I knew this was only supposed to be a small fling but I can't help but feel rejected and used. It's only been a couple months; honestly I can't recall if it's even been that long. "Amber?" His sweet voice brought me back to reality. I zoned out again. "What?" The word came out harsher that I had intended it to. "I don't want to hurt you. You know that." Of course you don't, or didn't, or whatever. That's exactly what they all say. "Are you angry with me?" I shook my head, furrowing my eyebrows.
"No, I'm not." That was a lie. I was angry with him. More than anything I was hurt. I just kept my eyes forward, staring at nothing in particular. Of all the times you could've left me you choose now. Right after we made love, right after you whispered in my ear that you loved me. Of course, you didn't want to hurt me. Normally, I could accept such a lie knowing it was exactly that. Maybe I accepted, forcing myself, tricking myself into believing it to protect myself from gaining anymore hurt than I absolutely had to have. You see, they always leave; they never stay, which I know will always happen. Of course the married ones always left, and I always left the ones who were single and genuinely may have loved me. Still, I somehow always find myself entangled in a net with yet another married man.
"What are you thinking?" He asked me. Something he asked often, and I just as often falsified my true thoughts or altogether refused to reveal them. I didn’t like the idea of dissecting my mind for someone who wouldn’t be around long enough to appreciate and value that part of me, as I so tenderly do. I’ll give you my body but I can’t let you walk away having explored and re toured the most fragile and intimate part of my being. My mind belonged to me and me alone.
I still couldn't look at him. "Nothing." I lied again. "Please look at me." He tilted my chin up until I was made to look nowhere but back in his tormenting and beautiful eyes. His touch was warm and comforting and that was the last thing I wanted or needed from him in that moment. Looking in his face felt like death. Instead of gently turning my chin to face him it felt as if he had spun me around and stabbed me right in my chest.
If you’ve ever had your heart broken you know that pain. You know that dull, familiar, hallowed ache in your chest with a wing span that reaches to the pit of your stomach and with monstrous strength clutches the length of your throat with the most vivid, death like grip leaving you struggling in the illusion for a breath. That's how it felt looking in his face.
I blinked excessively, fighting to hold back hot tears threatening to pour over at the first sign of disclosed affliction. "Please. Amber, tell me." His eyes reflected genuine concern but I couldn't move past the belief, perhaps fueled by all my agony, that it was all an act to spare not only me but his own "good guy" image. We both knew he was no good guy though; no matter how much he had told me he was my prince and that we were just meant to be.
His ex-words echoed in my head. "I want to protect the people I love. I want to save everyone. That's why I am The Prince." 'The Prince' was some stupid nickname. I imagine he came up with it himself.
“I would never hurt you. You can trust me." After this is over I don’t think I'll ever forget those words.
To me he was the same as any other bad guy. The only difference was he made extra effort to not only make his victims believe he was good but also, himself. I felt stupid to have fallen prey to his deception, and that only deepened my anger. The sheer fact that he was married and in bed with me (his wife having no knowledge of any of it, obviously) was proof enough to stain his pretty picture with the truth. He was no Prince at all.
My lips parted to respond, but I couldn't find the right words to say that wouldn’t cause me to regurgitate the tears I worked so hard to hold back. I didn't want to do that. He wouldn't see any trace of what he has killed inside of me. Not one tear. I composed myself and suppressed the pain as I brought my eyes back to meet his.
"I'm fine. Really." I laughed to make it sound more believable. The expression on his face was still concerned. "I'm having a hard time believing that." He said placing his terribly consoling hand on my bare shoulder. "Alan." I pulled the thin sheet higher over my breasts. "You told me from the beginning what it was. We couldn't fall in love and this..." I paused, turning my eyes away from his. "…couldn’t last forever." It hurt saying it aloud.
I remembered what I just explained very well. I knew what I was getting into when I was getting into it, and I knew he was married. So, why was I so hurt? I didn't understand where all these feelings were coming from. Did I even have the right to this anger? Of course I wasn't the one who made the commitment, but just like anyone else would have agreed, I was equally just as guilty as he was. I played a role in this game that was just as selfish as his. I helped him betray his wife. He couldn't have committed this without my consent. I was just as bad as he, what could I say? I couldn't fight against his wishes to end us now. So, I continued my facade.
"I fell for you..." I confessed what he already knew. I started to speak again. "It was my mistake to allow myself to fall so hard, and so suddenly." I kept my composure as I felt myself start to slip into revealing my true emotions to him. "I knew you were married. I knew this couldn't last forever." I faked a pretty good smile. "If anything, I blame myself." I sounded believable enough.
"I fell for you too." He said. "I do love you." He exhaled. You would think he’d at least have the decency to sound as believable as I did, but obviously he didn’t care.
"This whole situation is just so messed up and it was completely arrogant of me to believe I could have both of you." I didn’t believe anything he said to be his true feelings. But it was still very apparent to me that I did care deeply for him. I wanted to believe him so much. My heart sank deeper into my chest, plunging an overwhelming amount of sorrow further into me. I closed my eyes for a brief moment and swallowed hard.
He continued. "I had to choose the lesser of two evils." He shook his head. "And I can't have my wife hurt." His words caused the remnant anger left inside of me to bubble. What I heard him really say was "You're nowhere near as valuable to me as my wife, so I choose to sacrifice you."
"I understand that." I hid my anger beneath another smile. He leaned over and kissed my forehead. I wish he hadn't. He just kept finding ways to cause all these emotions to swell within me making it tormenting and difficult to hold back from him my true feelings.
"I wish there were another way." He said stroking my chin with his thumb. I didn't respond. I sat there swimming around in my own miserable thoughts as he got up from the bed. I watched his naked body move across the room to gather his clothes and begin to dress himself; preparing to leave me behind.
Rays of light pushed past my closed eye lids so that I could see the red tint behind my skin. I laid there in bed awake and conscious. A bit too conscious of especially what happened last night. He was really gone. I finally opened my eyes. I knew he was gone by the state of the room. I still laid naked underneath my white sheets. The intoxicating scent of his cologne lingered on them. I could even smell him on my skin. The sheer curtains of the balcony french doors lightly pushed back and forth by that consistent breeze from last night. And my bedroom door still left ajar from his exit. I was devastated... but not as devastated as I expected to be the morning after. That was good. Maybe it was the sun shine. It was beautiful.
As much pain as I was in I still couldn't deny the beauty. It was something to look forward to even if it didn't last; which I knew it wouldn't. The sun would continue to rise and eventually rise past that perfect angle that completely warmed my room; beaming its glorious light through the windows and casting perfectly angled shadows over the carpeted floor. It felt like a dream just like the majority of my life. It was a dream, and just like that sunrise it be glorious for only a short phase. Men have come and gone. All beautiful. Casting excitement and beauty into my life but only for a short phase before they were gone...and just like today even despite of that beautiful sun, I was in the dead of night until someone else came along.
I got up from bed and showered in hopes of scrubbing his scent from me in the process. This wasn't the first time this has happened. Which is why I couldn't quite understand why I was so hung up. There was one before him. I was only eighteen at the time. He was tall, handsome, charming, just a dream. He showed me everything, gave me everything.That's how all this started. Him. He showed me my potential and my beauty by such a simple act. He bought me a cocktail dress, made me up, and paid to have my hair set. I'll never forget him or that night he dressed me up, told me how stunning I was and took me to 'Top Lounge'. I had never received so much attention in my life. And to this day I still don't know how he did it. I was crushed when he left. What I wouldn't give to see him again...but because of him I learned to be appreciative. Take what I get and don't throw a fit. Be graceful in every farewell and never look back. But if you did...never let them see you turn to catch that one last glimpse.
Today is Saturday. Shopping. I have to always keep myself up in order to maintain the charm. Shopping trips are usually the bait that catches them and today I'm positive I'll attract a few new suitors. I showered for too long considering I wasn't sure what I was going to wear. I got out, wrapped myself in a plush towel, and went to the sink to brush my teeth. After I applied my make up; a subtle smokey eye look, I entered my walk in closet to choose my attire for today. I chose black lace panties and a front hook black bra. Lace always made me feel sexy and it kept me on my toes with my confidence. After strutting about in my lingerie and black pumps, checking my posture in the mirror; I finally settled on a simple black, over the knee dress. I was tiny but modest enough to leave something to the imagination. Looking back in the mirror I was more than content with my overall make up. I pulled my long hair up in a messy but chic bun to show off my collar bone before grabbing my purse and walking out the door.
I stepped off the elevator and started toward the parking garage. I got chills every time I saw her. My 2015 Black Bugatti Veyron. She was a gift from Adrien, a wealthy french gentlemen I met at a black tie event; who for a while now has been trying to score a date with me. He sends a dozen white roses to my condo every week, hand delivered, and card with nothing but his perfectly polished signature. He is immensely charming. I ran into him last week at Top Lounge. More like he spotted me sitting at the bar. He ordered me a red apple martini and we spoke for such a long time. He has a way of lightly touching your shoulder as if you were made of thin ,blown, glass and might easily shatter. The way he looks into my eyes is as if no one is in the room except the two of us and we're surrounded by nothing but an infinite emptiness. He is walking poetry and my god I would love to have him. But I can tell he's the type of guy who doesn't take well to an easy catch. So, I've kept him on the chase for quite sometime now.
I slid into the beauty and started her up. I was going downtown.
The valet took my hand and helped me out of my car. Already all eyes were on me. I kept my chin up and walked through the glass doors of the huge galleria. I took the escalator to the fourth floor, having decided to have brunch at Coriander, a hush little restaurant and bar I go to on occasion. I slid into one of the glass bar stools and ordered a screw driver. I didn't recognize the bar tender. He must have been new. As he made my drink I noticed he kept stealing glances in my direction. I didn't have to look his way to know he was. It was a talent of mine developed over time.
The bartender delivered my screwdriver unnecessarily making extra effort to brush my dainty hand in the process. "Excuse me." He made eye contact with me, and as usual I played along and further seduced him with my eyes. I didn't want to fully engage so I chose not to speak. I sipped my drink. "How are you?" The bartender attempted to speak to me. "I'm well. Thank you." I said as I glanced in his direction before taking another sip. I wasn't in the mood for him but had to pretend in order to keep up my reputation. Everyone was to be treated equally. It was of the utmost importance that I keep good rapture with everyone I came into contact with. Especially the men. I was always easily the object of desire and it was to be kept that way.
One thing I hate most is small talk. I pray this isn't his attempt to woo me. If it is he clearly is uncultured in upper class "game", and what could I do about it? Nothing. I couldn't be rude. I wouldn't. That just isn't the type of woman I am. "I haven't seen you around here before." He continued. I responded sweetly, a sultry edge to my tone. "I could say the same." I took another sip. I am a regular you could for the most part and...I have never seen you here before." I placed playful emphasis on 'never'. I looked him dead in his brown eyes. I suppose my confidence made him a bit uneasy. "You got me. Heh heh." He confessed dragging his fingers through his messy dark hair. I had to admit it was cute the way he did that. Not to many women I knew could resist a move like that. Plus with a crooked smile. I couldn't help but smile. I touched the rim of my glass to my bottom lip to elegantly hid it.
"So are you waiting on a friend perhaps?" He asked naturally taking advantage of the opportunity. I began to answer but was taken off guard when I felt a soft, but extremely cold hand touch the side of my shoulder. A gentle, but masculine pleasantly toned voice interpreted. "Why yes she is."
I look up to meet eyes with the most dashing human being I had ever seen. My voice was caught. I was caught! I was caught in those electric blue eyes he peered back at me with. Then he spoke again. "I don't think you noticed me sitting in the lounge." His voice was intoxicatingly smooth and alluring. His eyes weren't the only thing electric either. His touch. He hadn't moved his hand from my shoulder since he'd approached me and it was excruciating. Excruciatingly blissful...and...cold. Damn cold. I had to blink a few times to break my gaze from his. I looked over toward the bartender. The poor guy looked as stunned as I was. "Yes." I said too quickly. I exhaled a small smile to pull myself together before looking back at the stranger. "I guess, I did miss you over there." I played along looking back into his magnetic features. Again, I looked back at the bartender. Clearly defeated he withdrew behind the bar with a gracious smile.
"Thank you for the drink." I spoke lifting my glass for another sip. "Yes, thank you for keeping my companion occupied." The stranger smiled at the bartender as he moved his hand from my shoulder to my elbow to gently guide me from my seat. 'Companion?' I thought silently to myself. Who is this man? I'm more than sure I've never met him before. I'd have remembered so If I had. He is by far too striking of a person for anyone not to remember.
We walked over to his table in the far corner of the lounge. He pulled my seat out for me. Of course, he was a gentlemen. With a face like that how could he not have it all? Before I could come up with what I could possibly say to him, he interrupted my thoughts. "I'm Mathis." He pushed his sleeves up to expose his brawny forearms before reaching a hand out to gesture for mine. I placed my hand in his expecting to shake. Instead, he planted a soft kiss on the back of my hand, his electric eyes still staring back into mine. His gaze almost felt eerie. I had trouble stating my name. "Amber." I finally got out.
'What the hell is wrong with you Amber?' I thought to myself. 'Get it together babe...' I mentally coached myself. With an exhale and a shift in my chair I had successfully managed to relax a little. I had more of my drink and finally sensibly spoke. "Thank you for rescuing me over there. I didn't think anyone could see my desire to be left alone." I finished off my drink with a last sip and Mathis gestured for a waiter. "I'd like a Screw Driver for the lady and for myself a White Russian. I'm in the mood for-" He paused. "Something sweet." He turned to me upon saying that last thing. If my skin where white I would have blushed hard, but because I am not I have never been more grateful. The waiter nodded and turned to fetch his requests. I sat there looking sweet and desirable as Mathis so smoothly put it.
"I do hope I am not being too forward with you." He was. "But I must admit..." He continued. I was curiously taken with this man already. "I am substantially interested in getting to know a ravishing young woman such as yourself." I was totally breathless, but gratefully well held together in that moment. His piercing eyes stabbed straight through mine and although It felt as though he could see through my attempts to act normally I still maintained up my dignity.
Its very difficult for me to respond to such strong advances from this man. Anyone else would have been easy to deal with. I'd simply turn them down. Believe it or not nobody has ever been this bold with me before. Men have merely been as gentlemen as they could and made extra effort to empress me with trivial things such as money and what all they could do for me with it. That and sex. "Is that so?" I beckoned. Mathis nodded his head once. There was a brief silence between us before the waiter approached our table with the drinks. I turned my head to greet the waiter. He handed me my Screw Driver, all the while Mathis never peeling his eyes from me. I took a sip before thanking the waiter. Mathis took his drink still without turning his gaze from me.
"You come here often." It wasn't a question but I answered as if it were. "Often enough." "I do too." He claimed. I squinted my eyes in a more kittenish way that accusing. "I can't say I've seen your face here before." Mathis chuckled flashing his perfectly white teeth. "I wouldn't think you have." I followed his eyes a level up towards the far corner area in the high lounge ceiling. There was a sky box up there... As I gazed up at it I felt his eyes his me again, drawing my stare back to meet his. A subtle and sophisticated smile played at his lips. His eyes were vast, and once again I had to blink to brake our gaze. "I've never noticed that there." I finally said. He nodded and took a short drink from his White Russian.
"I know." He responded. "Most don't. It's windows are tinted once traffic picks up." His eyes scanned our surrounding as if he were looking for something or someone, but he continued. "It tends to camouflage in the ambiance...I like my privacy." He said. I looked at him. "It's mine." He read my mind with that response. He finished with another swallow from his drink. "Your's?" He nodded verification. "Must be nice." My voice soft and somewhat erotic. He nodded again, this time slowly as he studied me, perhaps sexually analyzing every inch of me as I would expect. "Perchance, I could give you a tour one day." He offered kindly, but the look on his face looked like he wanted to do more in that sky box than just give me a tour.
"That could be...possible." I wouldn't give him the satisfaction so soon so I rose from my chair. "It was a pleasure meeting you, Mathis." He then rose from his place and took a few steps to stand in front of me. "Trust me." He said catching me one last time in his stare. "The pleasure is all mine, Amber." He took my hand and kissed it again before letting me go. I didn't notice the slip of paper in my hand until I had walked away. It was some kind of business card with his name, Mathis V. Phillips, and a phone number. There was no more information on it. On the back I could feel indention but when I flipped it over there was nothing to be seen. It was odd, but nothing I was seriously interested in.
Shopping went well. I did most of it in the galleria as planned before, but later on left to shop else where. At the galleria while shopping I ran into Mathis again. He didn't say one word, but the look he gave me was intense; magnetically enticing, but somehow sinister and repealing. I wasn't sure if I wanted him or if I wanted to run from him. He isn't that sort of 'one in a million' kind of guy but he is easily 'once in a life time'. I'm just not sure if it's the good kind or the bad.