Hey.

It’s me. 

It’s been a long time since we last talked.  

I’m sorry I haven’t really written to you in such a long time. 

Do you remember what I told you the last time? 

That I was finally capable of loving again. 

Since you left, I didn’t actually think I could.  

And I can’t. 

I can like someone; I can fancy someone. 

But I can’t love them. 

I’ve got that figured out now.  

I really thought I loved him.  

I did, well, I could’ve loved him.  

I still can.  

He can love me. 

He likes me; he fancies me. 

It’s just not the right time. 

That hurts. 

And I don’t doubt that you have felt this once too.  

When two people like each other; when two people fancy each other.  

When two people are capable of loving each other, maybe. 

But it’s just not the right time.  

That’s what hurts the most. 

We both fancy each other, we both are capable, maybe, of loving each other.  

But we could not have chosen a worse time to do so.  

I wish I hadn’t fallen for him. I wish I hadn’t let my guard down.  

I wish I still had that wall built around my heart, but he tore it down. 

I’m glad that it was him who was the one to tear it down. 

But it hurts too, that it was him.  

I wish it hadn’t been anyone who was capable of tearing the walls around my heart down.  

I wish, oh how I wish, I had never met him.  

Or maybe it was because I’m always so negative and down that it was I who made the timing bad. 

Maybe this ‘secret’ thing I have read once, is true.  

Maybe it was I that ruined it. 

Or maybe it was him too, maybe we both ruined things.  

Maybe we were both two sad human beings.  

Maybe not sad, maybe just… 

Maybe just negative.  

I’m not an optimist, I can say that for sure.  

I don’t see him as an optimist either, I don’t see him as a sad kid.  

I’m a sad kid. 

Maybe I jinxed it.  

Maybe I jinxed it by telling my friends how much I liked him.  

Maybe he jinxed it by telling his friends how much he liked me. 

I guess we will never know. 

We said it wouldn’t work out. 

Not now.  

Maybe in some years. 

He didn’t even want to try. 

Maybe he’s scared.  

Maybe he’s scared to commit.  

I don’t think he’s ever been in a long-term relationship. 

Neither have I.  

I have never been in a relationship before at all.  

Loads of things were ruined in my teen years.  

Even in my childhood. 

I had a horrible time being a kid. 

I too had a horrible time being a teen.  

I have had a longer period of time where I was happy. 

Not that I can remember, that is.  

I do think you leaving has had its part of making me a sad kid.  

I am most certainly not blaming you.  

I love you. 

You are the uttermost person I have ever loved.  

I miss you.  

I miss him.  

I miss everyone that has left me.  

I miss him loads.  

I wish we could’ve tried. 

I know I’m not ready for a relationship at all.  

But the least we could’ve done was … try.  

We didn’t even try.  

That hurts too. 

Being so sure that this would not work because we’re both… ourselves.  

That we just decided not to make it work.  

I’m even more sure that we could’ve worked it out. 

If we had tried.  

I know he knows that too. 

I could see he was sad while he was telling me things weren’t going to work out.  

I was sad too. 

At that moment I was not sad.  

I was euphoric. 

I was so happy because I was scared. 

I’m scared of commitment.  

Because no one has ever committed themselves to me.  

I don’t know what it’s like.  

So, I don’t know how to act.  

How can I commit to someone when I don’t know how?  

My dad was always my role model. 

That is why it hurt so much when he did that to mum. 

It’s not that mum was such a good person to me. 

That’s not why I cared. 

I didn’t even realize how much it could hurt.  

I had never experienced heartbreak.  

I was barely five.  

You were there for mum. 

You were there for me. 

Even though I couldn’t quite wrap my head around what had occurred.  

I knew my father had done something terribly wrong.  

I didn’t really care about how much it had hurt mum.  

It hadn’t really hurt me. 

Not until I grew up; got older; started fancying people. 

Dad has had loads of relationships in the years after.  

It has got to be one of the reasons why I have these trust issues. 

I don’t think I’ll ever be capable to commit. Or love.  

Again.  

I know I’ve told you many times that I might love him. 

But after this, after deciding we shall not try to make it work.  

I know I will never be able to love anyone.  

I’ve been through enough. 

I miss you. 

May we meet again.