Please, please any feedback would be amazing. I will hopefully have chapter 2 up soon!
So here I am drinking, a rather strong, cranberry vodka at my best friends going away party.
It's not that she will be gone forever, but it sure feels that way. Her girlfriend, Willow, of four months took an opportunity to study abroad for a summer semester in London and my best friend, Devin has decided to meet her out there.
I know what you're thinking; it's just a semester, 8 weeks...2 months. But, come on that's about as long as they have been together! Four measly months together and Devin, the wild child, is willing to travel almost four thousand miles to be with Willow. When before she met Willow she was banging any girl with a nice smile. Don't get me wrong Willow is awesome; she's really nice and thoughtful and does so much for Devin. Devin has completely changed from her wild and carefree ways and has started to settle down and think about her future.
I had always hoped Devin would start to calm down and now that she has... and now that she has I'm realizing I have always wanted her to settle down with me.
The worst part of this whole thing is Im in love with Devin.
I have always loved her, I suppose. I was always there for her through all of her fucks and fuck ups. Always there to pick up the pieces when she was too drunk to get home or too destroyed to get out of bed. She's my best friend and I did this all because I care about her and eventually that turned into me being in love with her. Devin was always there for me too through all of my breakups and breakdowns and everything in between.
The only difference is she didn't fall in love with me; she fell in love with Willow.
"Kaaaaate!" A drunken Devin came crashing behind me wrapping her lean arms around my neck and kissing my cheek instantly causing my cheeks to redden and twinges in my stomach. "There you are! I have been looking everywhere for you." She finished, leaning her forehead on the top of my shoulder, her arms dangling over me to my lap on the chair.
I grabbed her hands and squeezed them. "You've found me."
I tilted my head and leaned it on hers still pressed on my shoulder. I could smell the shampoo on her dark hair and her perfume was intoxicating. Being this close to her was so hard. I was struggling internally wanting to tell her she should stay and that I loved her, but knowing if I did that I could very likely lose her and I couldn't risk that. Could I? God, why was this so hard!?
She lifted her head, kissed me on the cheek again and squeezed me tightly. "I'm going to miss you so much Kate."
If only she knew what this does to me. I suppose to fully understand we need to go back to the beginning.
"How does it feel to be 21?" I asked like I hadn't just turned 21 two months prior on May 6th.
"Feels amazing! I can't wait to start playing gigs in Chicago. I will for sure double my income." Devin excitedly explained throwing back another random shot someone bought her. I could see her hazel eyes start to water. "Whew! That was a strong one."
Devin knew a lot of people in this bar. She has been bartending and performing here in Evanston since she was 19. In Illinois you can start bartending and performing in bars at 18, but in Chicago you have to be 21 for some stupid reason. It didn't make much sense, but after tonight Devin could start performing in the windy city.
"You know, you're so pretty, Kate. I wish I was as pretty as you." Devin smiled poking my nose with her slender index finger.
I could tell she was getting a little tipsy at this point. She always got touchy feely with me the more she drank. She was always touching me, but it increased when she was drinking. I didn't mind it at all. We were best friends and that's just how we were together. It wasn't uncommon for us to hold hands, cuddle or share a bed even though we lived in the same apartment. We just really enjoyed being around each other.
"Oh, please Devin." I smiled. "You are gorgeous! You could have any girl in this bar if you wanted and I'm sure you probably have." I joked, but was mostly serious.
Devin wasn't a relationship girl. Devin would sleep with you, but likely not call you the next morning. It was just her thing. She didn't do commitments. Her longest commitment and best relationship was our friendship, she would always joke.
"I can't have you." She smirked. "Wouldn't that be so weird," she laughed, "me and you together?"
"I mean, I am pretty perfect, but I don't think Court would be too happy with you if you decided to try to swoop me up." I laughed back.
Courtney was my girlfriend. We have been dating for about three months. We met in one my classes at Northwestern University. We both are education majors. I wanted to teach Kindergarten and she fourth grade.
Courtney was great, but she really didn't understand Devin and my relationship. Devin and I have been friends since High School. We basically have been inseparable since meeting our sophomore year at a LGBT teen night event.
Devin's always been the wild and crazy one and I have always been the reliable and responsible one. We balanced each other. I grounded her and she helped me explore and take risks.
The longer I have known Devin the more I have experienced. There are so many things I would not have done if Devin didn't give me the push I needed. I loved her for that. I would probably still be scared and closeted about my sexual orientation hiding it from my parents if Devin didn't convince me to come out my senior year of high school. I would have never known how accepting, understanding and loving my parents really were if it wasn't for Devin.
"In fact, look over there." I pointed. "Cute blonde with the strappy blue top giving you those take me home eyes."
"This, this is why I love you. You're always looking out for your best friend." Devin grinned walking away towards the blonde.
After about three more shots I was ready to leave and it looked like blondie would be joining us home as she was currently lip locked with Devin.
I couldn't wait to get home. Courtney was meeting me at my place to spend the night after her late shift at the 24 hour diner she worked at. Unfortunately someone called in last minute and Courtney agreed to cover the shift instead of joining us out tonight. I'm pretty sure she only agreed to work so she could get out of celebrating Devin's birthday, but she would never admit that.
I could barely keep my eyes open and if it wasn't from all the banging around and loud noises coming from the next room I likely would have passed out before Courtney arrived.
"Babe, seriously, do you think they will ever sleep?" Courtney groaned pulling the pillow up over her head. "It's literally been hours. Hours! I get doing your thing, but how many orgasms does one person need?"
"Oh come on. It is her birthday." I smirked pulling the pillow off her head, brushing her blonde swoop away from her eyes and placing a series of soft kisses on her face. "We could always show them what we got." I joked knowing I was just as tired as Courtney.
After about 20 minutes more of giggling, moaning and other random noises there was peace and quiet. I glanced over at my clock that read 3:37am and I immediately dreaded the morning. I was curious to see if blondie would be joining us for our brunch or if she would be out the door before we all woke up. Knowing Devin she was probably hoping for the latter.
I hope one of these days Devin finds a woman that she feels like she can actually spend more than a few sultry hours fucking and learn to actually care and commit to someone. Although, we are only 21 and should be having the time of our lives right now. So, maybe she is doing the right thing and maybe I need to be more like her and stop having relationship after relationship. I wonder what a one night stand would feel like. I wonder if I could actually follow through with it.
I remember once, when I was 20, I thought I was having a one night stand, but it turned out to be a three month relationship. Maybe I'm not built for that kind of thing.
I glanced at the clock reading 4:32am and sighed. I really need to try to sleep. I looked over at Courtney who was fast asleep curled up with one of my pillows. She was beautiful and I felt lucky to be with her. Yes, this is what I'm built for. Commitments and stable relationships.
A noise from the kitchen startled me out of my thoughts.
"Hey, Dev, you ok?" I asked rubbing my eyes as they adjusted to the kitchen light.
"Yeah, I'm fine. I just can't sleep." She explained pouring herself a glass of water.
"What's on your mind?" I asked
"I don't know. I see you and Courtney together and so many others happy with one person and then I find myself wondering why I can't find someone like that."
"You mean blondie isn't the one?" I snickered.
"Shut it," she smiled. "you know what I mean. Why can't I find a girl like you, Kate? You are perfect. Although I don't even know if I found a girl just like you that I would even realize what I have and I would probably just fuck it up anyways by slipping out the next morning before she woke up." She sighed.
"Whoa, Devin Jacobs talking about relationships and commitment. I never thought I would see the day." I joked placing my hand over my heart and smiling.
"Laugh it up Kate. You won't be laughing when you're stuck living with me forever because I never grow up. You will probably always be my only successful and longest lasting relationship." Devin admitted walking towards me and wrapping her arms around me and squeezing my hand. "I love you, Kate."
"I love you too, Dev." I affirmed squeezing her hand back.
Here's an update! I hope you enjoy chapter 2. Please any feedback is greatly appreciated! Also, remember to vote :)
I stood there in the kitchen for a few minutes after Kate went back to bed thinking about her. Kate was always there for me and I loved her for that. Im obviously capable of loving someone because I love Kate. How can I love her so much and yet not be able to like anyone enough to even see them for a second date.
I really didn't want to think too deeply about it because it honestly weirded me out to think of Kate like that. I pushed those feelings away believing this is how having a best friend feels. It feels a lot like love, although I've never really been in love so I honestly don't know what being in love feels like. If it feels anything like the love I have for Kate then I know it will be real. I'm barely 21, I have plenty of time to find that kind of love, but right now it was time for me to have fun.
I stretched out in my bed feeling a body next to me and instantly remembering going home with that cute blonde from last night.
Shit, what was her name? Did I even get a name? I thought for a few seconds before opening my eyes to look at her. Not wanting her to be awake yet because I wasn't even sure of her name at this point. God, I am a terrible person.
Here goes nothing. I slowly opened my eyes and her name finally came to me! Karen. Her name was Karen, I hope.
"Good morning." Her soft voice breathed out as she pulled herself closer to me.
Another reason I am a bad person. I didn't want to be pulled close. I didn't want to cuddle. I wanted her to get up and leave without talking to me.
"Good morning." I half smiled reaching for my phone to look at the time. 11:17am. Man, my head was starting to pound. How long do I have to lay her before I can get up and not seem like an ass. I am asshole why do I even care. It's not like I'll be calling her again and I really hope I don't run into her again. Fuck, what's her name again. Right, Karen. Karen please leave, I kept chanting in my head.
After about 5 minutes of this painful cuddle session with Karen I finally got up.
"I need a water." I lied. I just really wanted an excuse to get up. Although, I was really thirsty now that I said it.
"Me, me, please." Karen spouted in a baby voice.
I hate baby talk.
Karen needs to leave.
I found myself looking for Kate, but she wasn't in the kitchen or the living room. I opened her bedroom door and there she was lying in bed with Courtney.
Ugh, Courtney. Perfect Courtney. Courtney was nice and all, but I could tell she didn't really care for me. Oh well, I didn't really care for her either. She wasn't good enough for Kate. Then again I never thought anyone was good enough for Kate. Kate deserved someone amazing and I just haven't met anyone yet that could live up to what she deserved.
I jumped in the bed not really caring that Courtney was in bed with Kate. Fuck her I thought to myself smiling.
"Devin, whyyyyy?" Kate groaned as I practically laid on top of her. "Blondie gone?" She asked.
"No, and I can't go back into my room. I don't think she will ever leave. She baby talks, Kate. Baby talks."
Courtney started to stir around and I knew she was about to realize I was in bed with them. Sure enough her eyes opened and I could tell she was not happy I was cuddling with Kate. She really needs to get over it. Kate is my best friend and this is something we have always done and we will always do.
"Devin, you need to go back into your room and kindly ask blondie to leave. Tell her you have plans with your best friend for brunch and it's a tradition you cannot miss."
Have I said how much I love Kate? She always knew how to help me.
"You're so smart!" I kissed her forehead and jumped out of her bed. "Morning, Courtney." I smirked shutting the door behind me.
If looks could kill, I laughed to myself. If Courtney didn't already dislike me I am sure she completely does now. Kate has never said it, but I know. I can tell by the way Courtney looks at me and I don't blame her. I probably wouldn't understand Kate and my relationship either, but it's not like we have ever slept together, shit we have never even really kissed. I mean we've kissed each other but nothing more than a goodbye or goodnight kiss.
"This is sooooo good!" I muttered with a mouthful of stuffed French toast followed by a big swig of my coffee. "I love birthday brunches."
Kate smiled back at me. She was rather quiet today.
"What's up buttercup?" I questioned while shoving more food in my mouth.
"It's nothing. I'm just a little tired, I guess."
I could tell she was lying. Who does she think I am? I have known her for six years there's not much she can hide from me and she knows it.
"I call bullshit. Is it Courtney?" I speculated.
"Let's not do this now." Kate insisted.
"There's never a bad time for you to talk to me about whatever is on your mind, Kate."
"Yes, It's Courtney. She is a little concerned, well worried that there is something more between us. No matter what I tell her she just keeps going back to questioning our friendship boundaries."
Yep, I knew it. Courtney hated me. Our friendship boundaries, come on, hasn't she ever had a best friend?
"I'm sorry, Kate." I frowned. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Actually, yeah. I mean, I really, really like her, Devin. We have so much in common and we have the same goals and are heading down a really great path together. I don't know, I just need...if you could maybe knock before coming into my room when you know Courtney is there and maybe not cuddle with me or kiss me when she's around. She just gets really insecure that you" she paused, "that you have more than friendship feelings for me."
"Devin" she interrupted, "I know you don't and I know this is just who we are together. I love us. I wouldn't change us for anything, but maybe when Courtney is around we just tone it down a little."
I could tell she felt bad. I did feel bad too, in a way, sort of, well, not really. Fuck Courtney. But, I understood and I wasn't trying to intentionally break them up. Obviously, I wasn't in love with Kate I brought home random girls almost nightly from the bar I worked at. Courtney needed to fuck off.
"Kate, I understand. I will do my best to respect Courtney while she is over." I agreed hoping I didn't just roll my eyes when I said that because internally I was rolling my eyes at this whole issue.
We finished up brunch and took a walk around Arrington Lagoon. We loved this place. It's been a birthday tradition since we moved in together three years ago to spend our birthdays together, go for brunch and then walk around the Lagoon.
When we were kids we use to ride our bikes around and stop to skip rocks on the lake near Kate's parents house. We would talk about all the things we would do once we graduated. So far, we've mostly stuck to our plans. We are roommates, Kate is studying to be a teacher and I am bartending and performing any chance I get. The only thing we are missing is the dog we always said we would get, but damn who has time for a dog when you're 21!
Thinking back to those simpler times always made me smile, especially thinking back to how uptight Kate use to be. She was still pretty strict with herself, but she's definitely opened up to more experiences. Hell, we are going skydiving next weekend for a late birthday gift to the both of us.
That's something else we do as a tradition. Since our birthdays are only a couple of months apart we try to cross something off our bucket list together, no matter how small, each year. This year was my pick and I picked skydiving.
Are the chapters too short? What do you think so far?
Here's chapter 3 - let me know what you think!
"I can't believe you've talked me into this." I whimpered my voice sounding a little shakier than I intended.
"Well, believe it because we are about to jump 10,000 feet out of a perfectly good plane!" Exclaimed Devin her hazel eyes looking a little greener today.
How could she be so excited and carefree about jumping out of a plane? I was excited, but I was also freaking out. I mean we could die! What if our parachutes didn't open. Am I really ready to call my life complete? There's so much more I wanted to accomplish.
The instructor tried to make me feel better by telling me more people die from vending machine accidents than skydiving.
I laughed now questioning everything I knew about vending machines. "I didn't realize they were so dangerous." I joked.
"Group 3 please come up to the ready zone." A polite voice sounded over the PA system.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck, this is about to happen." I panted grabbing on to Devin's hand squeezing it so hard she yelped.
"Kate, we will be fine. I will meet you at the bottom and we will have a memory to last a lifetime."
"Devin, what if we don't make it? What if I never see Courtney again? I should call her and tell her I love her. We haven't said it yet, but I don't know what is holding me back," I rambled, "what if you never get to find love and experience what it feels like to love someone so much that nothing else matters in this world."
"Kate, stop it. If you want to tell Courtney you love her do it, but do it when you actually mean it and as for me and love, I have you and when I'm with you nothing else matters." Devin voiced squeezing my hand her hazel eyes looking softly into mine. She really did have beautiful eyes. Unlike mine, mine were just a light brown. Nothing special.
For some reason when she said that I felt so much better. I felt more relaxed and calm. She always made me feel better and I loved that about her. She was the perfect best friend.
And she was right, when I was with her nothing else ever seemed to matter to me either. I realized if I died today I would die feeling loved and knowing what love was. In that moment I felt ready as I'd ever be to jump out of a plane.
Soon we were putting the jumpsuits on over our clothing and getting attached to our tandem instructor. It was a little weird to have someone attached to your back. My instructor was quite a bit taller than me so it felt like I was in a baby bjorn carrier. I could see Devin laughing and I knew she was thinking the same thing.
We flew higher and higher in the plane and soon it was time to prepare to jump. A few people jumped a head of us and quickly it was Devin's turn to jump out of the plane and then mine.
"See you on the other side, Kate!" She yelled back at me right before jumping out of the plane.
When it was my turn to jump I stood at the edge of the plane waiting for the instructor to give the go ahead. He was joking with me about doing a front flip out of the plane. I told him if he did that he would get a swift kick in the balls as soon as we landed.
"Go" yelled a voice in the plane and before I knew it I was free falling 10,000 feet in the air.
It was hard to breath and my lungs were burning, but it felt amazing to feel the wind in my face. I felt like I was flying.
It was so hard to focus on my surroundings. Once the canopy opened the world seemed to stop. I have never felt anything like it. It was like I was floating in the air and nothing else in the world mattered. I could see the Chicago skyline and the Lake Michigan Shoreline. It was so beautiful. Breathtaking. Surreal.
I could see the ground getting closer and I positioned my legs as we were instructed to during the orientation. Once I hit the ground I felt like I had sea legs. It was hard to walk for a moment and my head was a bit foggy. Apparently it is very common to get a little motion sick from the canopy.
Once I gained control of my body again I quickly looked for Devin and when I spotted her she came running towards me.
"That was unbelievable" I screamed.
"I know! It was incredible." She smiled. "It was so beautiful up there I have never experienced anything like that before. It was life altering." She finished grabbing me into a hug. "See I told you I'd be here when you landed." She kissed my cheek and we walked back to the truck that came to take us back to the building.
We decided to grab a bite to eat. Man, did that jump take a lot out of you. I was exhausted and it was only 2pm.
"I could pass out right now." Sighed Devin. I vote we go home for a nap before going out tonight.
I nodded in agreement taking a bite of my cheeseburger.
"So, what did you think about while you were floating down to the ground?" Devin asked.
"I don't know. Not too much, I suppose. I was too overwhelmed with how beautiful everything was and my adrenaline was still pumping pretty hard I'm not sure I was able to really comprehend what I even thought about."
"What about you?"
"Lots of things. I thought a lot about what you said before we jumped."
"Yes, about feeling in love and..." My phone rang cutting Devin off.
"Sorry, one sec, Dev, its Courtney." I explained answering the phone.
I went on explaining the experience to Courtney through the phone. She didn't sound as excited as I thought she would be, but I suppose you have to really do it to understand what it feels like.
I ended the call after we agreed to meet at my place at 8pm to predrink and then go out to the bar.
"Sorry about that Devin, so what about love?" I smirked.
"Erm," she faltered, "nothing really, just that I don't think I need love to feel complete." She finished looking down and putting a fry into her mouth. I noticed the light and excitement in her hazel eyes had faded from a moment ago when she was talking, but I didn't know why other than she was probably tired just like I was so I didn't press on.
We finally got home and we both agreed it was time to crash. Devin immediately went into her room, which was sort of odd, but not really, I guess. Usually she was a little more talkative, but it has been a really long day.
I stopped and grabbed a bottle of water and opened Devin's door slowly. "You ok?" I asked.
"I'm fine." She half smiled. I knew that smile and something was off.
"Want some water?"
"No, thanks, I have some on my nightstand." She pointed.
I crawled into her bed with her and wrapped my arms around her. I don't know why, but it was always more comfortable sleeping in her bed than mine. I felt her tense up and breathe out slowly as she pushed her back closer to my front and wrapped her arms into mine in front of her chest.
It didn't take long for me to fall asleep. It was a struggle to even keep my eyes open.