I open my eyes and the first thing I notice is Dad’s horrible driving skills; he has his right hand on the wheel and his left hand outstretched pointing to something. Mom is lecturing him to put two hands on the wheel, but she smiles as she says it. Jake’s body is straining against his seatbelt trying to get into a position where he can look at what Dad is pointing at. I try and look to my left to check if I can tell what the big commotion is, but my neck is stiff. Again. I close my eyes briefly and sigh, chastising myself internally for falling asleep in the car again.

     The next time I open my eyes is because I hear Mom scream and Jake swear and all I see is Dad gripping the steering wheel tightly enough to make the knuckles of his hands go stark white. All I can tell is that a bright light is glaring from the right side and it is getting bigger and bigger. I turn my head, this time with no difficulty, and see where the light is coming from. A car. A car is coming towards mine and realization dawns inside of me.

     “Dad!” I scream, loud enough to break my own ears and the rest of my family’s. I scream to warn him, to tell him to save us, but I’m too late. In my mind, this entire scene has been played out in minutes but in reality all this happened in a matter of seconds. The most important seconds of my life.

     And then I hear it: metal screeching against metal until I can’t hear anything at all. Not even the sound of my own breathing.

     Am I dead?

I woke up the same way as the day before, and the day before that, and all the days before that starting January 4th; my legs were drawn up to my chest, arms locked around the knees, chin gently tucked in allowing me to be in a fetal position. January 4th – I winced at the thought of the date. The day Mom and Jake had died. Slowly, I moved from under the covers and placed my feet gently on the cold hardwood floor. Sucking in a sharp breath, I cursed at myself for not staying under the protection and warmth of his duvet. For a minute I just sat there and thought about my petty whines – my family was gone and all I could think about was being nice and cozy in bed?

                In that moment, I was disgusted with myself. So much so that I wanted to claw the insides of my body, dig deep and yank my heart out. I wanted to go back to the day – January 4^th – and throw myself in front of the red Ford and stop it from hitting my car and let it hit me instead. Let it kill me. And that’s how my day starts, just like it had for the past eight months, with me wanting to die. My constant stream of negative thoughts was interrupted by a colicky baby’s cries, followed by a woman’s – Aunt Helen’s – voice muttering a song to my cousin to calm down.

                Her soft voice carried through from next door into my room, the lilt of her singing soothed my thoughts. I waited for her to finish before I took a few deep breathes and got up to change. As I stood up, I looked back to where I was sleeping; a small mattress, a blanket, and a pillow. The simplicity of my sleeping situation was over shadowed by the new baby cot, the rocker, the toys. For a second, I felt my chest constrict with a dull ache. This room was the one place I felt okay after the accident and it was being yanked away from me by the arrival of my newly born cousin. This new found jealousy had been stirring within me for weeks. Ever since Aunt Helen had explained to me that there was no room for me in their small two bedroom apartment with the baby, I felt this sudden urge to wish bad things upon their, at the time, unborn child. But when Jaime, the blue eyed, curly blonde beauty was born looking so much like Jake, the green eyed monster suddenly evaporated.

                And that’s when I understood the pitiful looks my aunt gave me. She pitied that my family was gone and she was just starting hers. That she would get a chance to raise her baby in her perfect little apartment while I was being forced out to live in the streets. But much to my luck and to my demise, my former best friend Griffin Adams and his family offered me a place to stay.

                It all sounded well and good. To finish up my senior year in the same high school, to live with my best friend, to not have to move across the country to live with my grandmother who was mourning her daughter. It sounded awesome. It wasn’t. I would have to walk the same halls that my brother couldn’t anymore. I’d have to see the same people, having to pretend that I wasn’t some sort of broken child beyond repair.

                Sighing, I shook my head trying to release all the negativity that just built in my head. I needed to get ready for school. It felt almost comical thinking of something so normal. I went to the bathroom muttering a quick greeting to Uncle Mav who nodded his head at me before closing the door behind me. Somehow, I was grateful that he never tried engaging in any unnecessary conversation with me. Stripping down to my naked self, I avoided my reflection in the mirror. I didn’t need to see the scars that covered my body from the accident or the dark circles under my eyes from not sleeping.

                Grabbing my brush, I hastily dipped it in water and put a clean strip on tooth paste on.  While brushing my teeth, I simultaneously tried to unknot my hair. Unfortunately my hair resembled too much of a rat’s nest and needed a good cleaning before I went to school. I reached over behind me and blindly moved my hand until I felt a cold, metal object. Turning the knob, I pushed if all the way to the left to its hottest degree.

Quickly, I rinsed my mouth and my tooth brush and got into the tub letting the steam engulf me. I drew the shower curtain closed and let my thoughts slip away as the water pellets beat against my back. The water was hot enough to burn my skin, causing me pain that wasn’t entirely uncomfortable. In fact, if I were so bold, I would say that I welcomed – even relished – the pain. There was something comforting about knowing the fact that I could feel something as mortal as pain. Turning around, I stepped in directly in the path of the shower head and let the water brush over my face. The droplets slipped down my forehead, caressing my cheeks and slid down to my chin; the gentle touch reminding me so much of Mom’s small hands cupping my face with love.

For a few minutes I stood there, the sounds of water and the sounds of my breathing chiming in the eerie quiet. It felt odd to be so at peace of such a stressful day. Right, of course the entire point of this shower was to look presentable for school today. And so that’s what I did – I gathered energy that I didn’t realize I still had and finished my shower, blow dried my hair, wore my clothes and even applied a little bit of concealer. For the first time in months, I intentionally gave myself a lingering glance in the mirror. I looked … pleasant. Nice, almost.

In a half-hearted attempt at normalcy, my lips tried quirking themselves into a smile. It was awkward and didn’t seem to look right. Shaking my head, I almost laughed at myself for being so naïve to think that everything was going to be fixed today. I looked presentable and that was already stretching my limits. I know people would be expecting me to be sad and pathetic but some old spark from the personality that I lost after the accident wanted to prove the people at my high school wrong. I wanted to show up at my locker, flanked with my old friends laughing at all the things I missed in junior year. I wanted to prove myself wrong because I was sad and pathetic and at some point I realized in the last week or so that I didn’t want to be.

Once I was done getting ready, I grabbed my school bag which still had remnants of last year’s supplies. I didn’t feel the impending need to buy new school supplies like I had since I was four. The tradition was to salvage as many supplies as possible and go out and buy the rest with Mom. When Jake started school, he always tried to get out of shopping but soon learned that if he didn’t come along he’d end up with the Barbie supplies and not the Spider-Man supplies. It then became a kind of game between the three of us; who would find the best deal, who would find the most supplies, who had the best supplies? Mom always won because Jake and I always got sidetracked with silly things like expensive pens and ginormous erasers but she managed to get everything else at the best prices. The best part was, she always let us buy whatever we found, no matter how dumb it was, we always got what we wanted even if we didn’t need it.

Running down the stairs, taking two at a time, I glanced at my watch and saw that Griffin would come pick me up in five minutes. That didn’t leave much time for breakfast – not that I ate it anyways. But for some reason, I knew Aunt Helen would have a meal waiting for me at the table. Needless to say, I wasn’t surprised when the aroma of crisp bacon and a tinge of eggs hit my nose as soon as I entered the kitchen.

“Oh Laila –“ Aunt Helen started when she looked up at me, “ – you look so pretty. Even healthy. But go on, I made some bacon and eggs for you – you used to love eating that.”

When I was seven, I bit back. “Thanks Aunt Helen, it was, uhm, nice of you to make all of this with the baby and all.” I tried to keep the accusatory tone out of my voice, but it managed to leak in at the end.

Aunt Helen’s dark brown eyes nervously searched mine before she said, “you, my dear, oh God after everything that’s happened this year… you are welcome here any time. And as soon as we move into a bigger apartment, we would love to have you stay with us. Your Uncle Mav and I, we love you. You know that right? We never intended for this living situation to get so out of hand.” She nervously wringed her hands in front of her, a habit that I knew far too well.

Placing a few pieces of bacon on plate, I hesitated “I’m glad Jaime’s here and I’m glad you guys will get to be a normal family without a teenager looming around. And honestly, I’m almost eighteen, so its time I start taking care of myself. I – I love you guys too.” I put a piece of bacon in my mouth in order to prevent me from going into an emotional tirade of how thankful I really was to them for letting me into their house, even if it was short-lived.

A soft silence fell over Aunt Helen and me, and I found myself eating comfortably for the first time in months. My mouth savored the taste of the eggs, the juices of the bacon reminding me why I had loved this meal so much when I was little. Just as I was about to reach for another serving, a honk sounded from outside. Griffin. In a sudden rush, I was taken back to two years ago, the first memory of Griffin driving a car. At the time we only lived two streets away from each other and my parents gave Griffin permission to drive me to and from school on a trial basis. The first time he came to pick me up in his dad’s beat up old Chevy truck, he thought it would be appropriate to honk to get my attention instead of ringing the doorbell. After that, it kind of become a routine. One honk meant “get out”, two honks meant “we’re late”, three honks meant “get the fuck out, before I come in there and get your annoying ass out myself.” It only ever got to three honks once, and he ended up dragging me out of bed just as the honks had promised.

Blinking once, I let the memory fade away to the back of my head before getting up and putting my plate in the sink. Turning around, I saw Aunt Helen’s wide eyes brimming with tears. In a daring move, I pulled her into a hug and tried to portray all my thankfulness and love to her. Her gentles arms locked around me, delicately but firmly. After a brief moment, she let go of me, and brushed of her tears quickly. We walked up to the front door silently, “you be careful Laila. And if anything happens, call me. Don’t even hesitate, okay?”

I nodded and looked over my shoulder to see Uncle Mav looming behind me a grim look on his face. Jaime was settled in his arms, his bright azure eyes looking at me with an intensity that couldn’t be matched by me. Gently leaning over, I placed a gentle kiss on Jaime’s cheek, his chubby fingers coming to rest on my cheek. His light touch sent a wave of emotion through me but before any tears could start forming, I stepped back from my cousin. Before leaving, Uncle Mav, in a very rare display of emotion, bent down and kissed my forehead. He offered me an awkward smile and whispered “good luck,” into my hair.

Without taking another glance, I walked out the door, closing it behind me a little harsher than I intended to. I drew my cardigan around me tightly, a little surprised by the cold September chill. A small rusted blue Shelby Mustang stood in front of me. Shelly. I recalled. Griffin had named the car Shelly. I walked towards the car, let a finger glide across the car door in appreciation before getting into the vehicle. The stretched leather felt cool under my thin leggings, the small rigid bumps provocatively pressing against the back of my thighs.

My gaze slipped to my left immediately latching onto the patch of tan skin visible from the low V-neck Griffin wore. The black material firmly pressing into his bicep as he reached over to start the car. My eyes trailed upwards to his corded neck, his sharp chin, his aristocratic nose, his high cheek bones, his beautifully crafted eyes lashes and for a second, I almost let myself meet his perfect green eyes. Almost. Instead, I skipped over to his hair, finding his short dark hair neatly spiked. While I was observing him, I hadn’t realized that Griffin hadn’t started the car at all.

I coughed once and muttered, “hey” under my breath.

“Hey” he responded back in a voice that could only ever be pleasant.

“Aren’t we going to be late?”

“Wh-oh! Yeah, okay.” I could feel his head turning and his eyes boring holes into the side of my head. He wasn’t going to drive until I looked at him. I knew he wasn’t going to let this go. So, I turned around to him, meeting his gaze dead-on. Our eyes locked instantly, and I was suddenly reminded of how good of friends we really were. If we weren’t so close, I wouldn’t have been able to understand all the emotions scrawled in his eyes. Sorrow. Griffin Adams was sad. No… Griffin Adams was sad because of me. His best friend.

“Griffin…” I glanced down into my lap, noticing that my hands were already knotting into themselves. Damn it. I unlocked my fingers slowly, placing my palms flat against my legs. When I looked back up, I saw him staring down at my hands.

“You did that when you were nervous or scared,” he said in a choked voice, “are you nervous? Or scared of me?”

“No,” my answer came out automatically. And that’s when I realized something: I wasn’t scared of Griffin. Outside of Aunt Helen and maybe Uncle Mav, I hadn’t ever been comfortable with anyone, not after the accident. And here I was, making more of an effort with him than I had with anyone else these past eight months.

“Good.” Griffin said with a nod of his head. As if my answer changed everything, suddenly the atmosphere felt lighter. Griffin turned on the radio with his right hand as he pressed down on the gas pedal. We were officially headed to school.

After a few seconds of silence, Griffin turned his head slightly to look at me, “so, you ready?” He questioned.

                “I guess,” I replied in a short, curt manner.

                “The school’s changed a lot since – “Griffin paused and I could see him internally debating for what choice of words he should use next. It seemed like he kept evoking emotion in me that I didn’t want, but honestly I wasn’t surprised when I felt a slight twinge of pity for him. Here he was trying so hard to be the nice guy he always is, trying to include me in a conversation and all I could do was stay mute.

                While Griffin’s words hung between us, the air almost felt palpable, as if I could grab the awkwardness with my hand and twist it through my nimble fingers.  “The accident. You can say it you know. I haven’t been to school since Mom and Jake died.” I said suddenly.

                I could hear a sharp intake of breath. “I didn’t – shit – I didn’t mean to bring this stuff up Laila. I was just trying to get you to talk.”

                Nodding my head slightly, I shifted my eyes to outside the window. Everywhere I looked, bring green trees grew tall and proud. The barks strong, the branches long and lean as if they were limbs of a human body. The sight was achingly beautiful; it was a scene Mom would’ve loved to paint. I looked upwards and saw the stark contrast between the sky and the ground. Down at our level, the summer bloomed resilient and hard and yet the sky above was grey. Storm clouds were rolling in slowly, they’re heaviness could be felt in the atmosphere. She would’ve loved this too – the irony of a sad yet striking day.

                Griffin was rambling on and on next to me, but when I turned to him the only words I could catch were, “Sophie and Kat and well – the whole group is really excited to see you. I told them to try and back off a little, give you some space, but they really missed you.”

                “I – I missed them too,” my voice was barely above a whisper but as soon I saw Griffin flashing me a smile I knew he heard it. Oh, that smile, I missed that smile. My heart sunk deep into my chest as a realization dawned within me. I missed him. These eight months I was so alone. And it felt proper and right to be by myself, but being here, right now and seeing that smile… I could’ve lost him. I could’ve lost my best friend, my partner in crime, the person I joked about marrying. We were at a stop light when I reached over and awkwardly patted his knee, “I missed you the most.”

                Griffin placed his hand over mine, his large palm completely enveloping mine, and squeezed my hand reassuringly. “I know Laila, I know.” As soon as the signal turned green, his faced cracked into a wide grin, “who wouldn’t miss me? As the most gorgeous, superior being of our – “

                “ – oh shut up!” I interrupted. I had once gone on a narcissistic tirade the first time I had gotten drunk after my ex broke up with me. Griffin had been there as my moral support, and therefore heard my mumbling of “how could he break up with me? I’m the best thing!” and fifty plus different variations over a two hour span before I presumably passed out.

                “Ahh there she is. There’s the feisty best friend I’ve been missing.” He was obviously pleased about enticing a reaction other than flippancy with me.

                “I’ll get a whole lot feistier if you keep bringing that incident up.” I mumbled, my hands automatically crossing over my chest in a childish manner.

                “Okay, okay,” he said, putting his arms up in surrender, “I’ll make you a deal – you try and be something other than a zombie today –“ he looked over at me and saw anger flitting over my face. “What? What’s wrong?”

                “You should keep two hands on the wheel,” I said tightly.

                Noticeably, Griffin’s hands tightened on the steering wheel but he had already lost me. That’s all it took these days. If something triggered me, even for a second back to the accident, I’d shut off. My body would move, it would touch things but I wouldn’t be able to feel. My eyes would look, but not see.

                In a few vain attempts, Griffin tried to start me back up in conversation but I sat still, apathetic to what was going on. That was until a few minutes later Griffin turned into the school parking lot and I finally got a good glimpse of the building I hadn’t been to in so long.

                Suddenly, like an elastic band being pulled to its furthest point and being let go, emotions snapped back into me in a fleeting rush.  I could feel the cascading hesitancy when I saw bright white letters forming, “Union Jacks Academy” at the top of the building. There was a daunting joy spreading across my chest when I looked at the crowded students scattered around and in front of the building. But it was the twinge of heartache when I stared the faded, rusted blue doors that led into the school did I realize that this place was my safe haven. It was my chance to get away from everything, from the hospital and away from Dad, from Aunt Helen and Uncle Mav’s looks… just a place to escape.

                The pieces started to click into my brain, and unconsciously I hastily unbuckled my seatbelt and leaned forward pressing my palms against the window. My lips were almost touching the glass, causing a warmth fog to spread across the pane. Griffin started to park the car and my view was blocked by the green Honda Civic beside us. Giddyness swifted through me and before I knew it, I had eagerly gotten out of the car, my backpack automatically sliding into my back. Griffin and I both slammed our car doors shut at the same time, but the resounding sound barely registered with my ears.

                Without realizing it, my long legs started carrying me towards the front doors. Beside me, I could feel Griffin struggling to keep pace with all of his textbooks in his hands – ah, I forgot.  Juniors and seniors had to pick up their textbooks before school officially started. It was all part of the whole “first day, first lesson, first chapter” bullshit the new principle had come up with when I was a sophomore. When I reached within a few feet of the front doors, something clicked within me. I casually stopped and pretended to fiddle with my backpack, when really I assessed how many people were staring at me. Everyone. Everyone was openly gaping at me and for the first time in months, I was tempted to throw out some sarcastic commentary in true Laila Matthew fashion. Old Laila Matthews that is.

                For some inexplicable reason, even though the entire student body was looking at me, I felt a certain pull towards my right, as if someone special was watching me. Nonchalantly I peered over the top of my lashes only to meet four sets of eyes; four very important sets of eyes. Two of them were the same exact shade of honey-gold, the third was a dull ice blue but piercing nonetheless, and the last were dark charcoal eyes with a warmth resembling the deepest pit of a volcano. All of these beautiful shades I knew all too well, almost as well as Griffin’s grassy pupils. Each set of eyes was attached to a body, and if this had been eight months ago, I would’ve instantly recognized them as my friends – best friends. But today, I felt no such inclination except to nod at their presence.

                Griffin gently took hold of my upper arm and guided me towards the group. If it had not been from my shock at his touch, I may have resisted and insisted to not go, but of course things couldn’t possibly be going my way. As we walked northeast, I noticed my former friends standing just to the corner of the main entrance. The location felt all too familiar; after all I had spent majority of the beginning of the school days for the past three years casually hanging out with the very group standing there right now… except almost always, there had been one extra addition to the group. Jake. It was one of the only time I tolerated him being around my friends, but only because Griffin insisted that no one thought of him as the annoying little brother. And after the first couple of days of Jake holding his own with the group, I was inclined to agree.

                Once we approached the group, a soft hush fell upon us but before I could feel the awkwardness of the situation, the short brunette with the coal eyes and pale skin hurled her body towards me, her small limbs wrapping around my neck as if they were a life jacket. “Oh my God!” she whispered into my hair, “you’re really fucking here…”

                “K-Kat,” I choked out. My voice was strained not just because of Kat’s arms wrapping around me in a death grip but also because my chest was constricting with emotion.

I was just about to glance at Griffin for help peeling her off me, when I head a small voice “Kat…Kat, let go of Lulu. It’s my turn.” If it had been anyone else, I know for a fact that Kat would’ve told them to shove it, but she gently moved out of my arms and gave me an impish grin.

Behind her, a tall blonde with the dull azure eyes was smiling timidly at me. “Hey Lulu –“ I winced slightly at the mention of my old nickname, but no one caught it, “ya mind if I hug you?” I nodded my head slightly in assent and I saw Sophie’s body sag in relief as she stepped up to me and carefully placed her arms around me. In slow motion, my limbs stiffly wrapped around hers. I caught a brief mumble that sounded something like “we’ve missed you” before she stepped back herself.

Only then did I noticed that Sophie had stepped back in Griffin’s protective arms. A lightbulb flickered in my head; so they were still together… I didn’t know why it had struck a chord within me just now, considered Sophie and Griffin’s relationship had never bothered me before but I knew right now was an inappropriate time to chase the feeling.

In attempt to seem normal, I shifted my feet slightly before I was crushed into not two, but four enveloping arms. The twins. When both of them stepped back, I was met by a wolfish grin from Connor and a trademark smirk by Brandon. CJ and BJ as they were fondly known by everyone, including their parents. “You look – “ both brothers started at the same time.

“- nice,” Connor (CJ?) said

“- still hot,” Brandon (BJ?) overruled his brother at the same moment.

All five heads; Griffin, Sophie, Kat, myself and CJ whipped our heads in Brandon’s direction, with the last sneering in disgust before elbowing his brother in the stomach.

Immediately Kat jumped in, “the hell BJ, chill on the perverse commentary for a day would ya?” BJ just smiled at everyone and put his arm around Kat drawing her close when she not so subtly stepped away and went to stand beside Connor.

                As if on cue, the first bell rang overhead and immediately all the students started to walk in an organized chaos to their respective destination. My group however, stayed put until almost all of the students were inside the building. CJ and BJ were the first to break up the silence, “well, we have –“

“ - football first period –“

“ – so we’re heading to the field – “

“ – we’ll see you at lunch – “

“ – everyone’s got fourth block for lunch?”

“No shit CJ, its senior lunch,” Brandon muttered. He stepped aside and whispered something into Kat’s ear who blushed a deep scarlet from either embarrassment or anger. Perhaps both, but she gave a slight nod in his direction either way.

In an uncanny way, Connor picked up where Brandon had left off and said “Whatever bro, still the smart one. We’ll see you guys later.” Both the brothers started to walk off when Connor turned around and said, “Lulu – “

“Don’t be a stranger,” Brandon finished. The brothers stayed frozen midway to the field waiting for a response.

I managed to choke out a hasty “sure” which seemed to satisfy them both and they proceeded to walk off.

Kat’s animated voice piped up, “finally, he left.” Curiosity spiked within me, but I took an educated guess and deducted that the “he” she was referring to was Brandon.

My suspicions were only confirmed when Sophie said, “give BJ a break. He’s trying and you’re being… mean.”

A giggle bubbled from my throat and escaped through my mouth before I could stifle it. When everyone’s eyes turned to me, it was Kat’s questioning eyebrow that coerced me into saying, albeit hesitantly, “Kat’s always mean,” as an explanation for my shocking display of emotion.

My best friend’s eyes widened in shock at my casual speech but then narrowed in speculation before her wide grin demolished any negative emotion behind her eyes, “I am not!”

Sophie’s staccato laugh made me look at her and I caught Griffin’s smirking lips resting against the blonde’s forehead in an intimate gesture before both of them sarcastically said “sure Kat.”

Kat dismissed what they said with a wave of her hand and turned to me, “what’s your schedule? Soph’s got bio and I’ve got chem so we’re walking the same way for first. Griffin’s got… study hall right?”

Griffin nodded his head in confirmation, and once again all sets of eyes were looking at me expectantly. “Oh I – I haven’t got my – “

“Shit! I should’ve known! We should’ve taken you to the office already but we’ve got to get to class before second bell,” Kat interrupted.

As a sudden reminder, we all started unconsciously entering the building. I wanted to say that a wave of nostalgia hit me – that I was suddenly brought to a time of laughing in the hallways, being careless and carefree but one thing the accident had taught me well was to suppress my feelings. After the jolt I got from remembering Jake by the door, I immediately put a lid on my feelings. If I was going to get through today, this was the only way I could possibly do it without suffering a breakdown.

By the time we got to the science wing, it had been decided that Griffin was to take me to the office and that we were all going to try to meet up again in between classes. I was going to protest that this was too much and I was going to be okay, but the look Kat and surprisingly Sophie sent me told me to not argue. Although I knew secretly, Kat wished to entice me into a harmless argument like the good old days. But that wasn’t going to happen. Not today. Perhaps never.

Before parting ways, both girls gave me brief hugs and searching looks and went off on their ways. Although before Sophie had left, she endured a lingering kiss with Griffin. I swear she chastised everyone for PDA and now suddenly she’s doing the same thing? I suppose I was being a bit harsh. Every one must’ve changed while I was gone. It was a whole eight months after all. I meant things had shifted in obvious ways that glared me in the eye from the first moment I came into contact with the group. Like BJ and Kate.

Brandon and Kat’s friendship had always been rocky – they were two big personalities. They were both smart and athletic which always seemed like a perfect match, but there was something so incompatible between them. It was a wonder that they hadn’t had a huge all-out argument yet. I mean, they’ve known each other forever. Close family friends since they were kids, not to mention Kat practically lived with them all summer in their cottage up north. The weird thing was that it didn’t seem like the two were growing apart… instead they seemed closer in a way that I couldn’t quite pinpoint. The idea of them having romantic feelings crossed my mind, but it was just too impossible. After all they had been down that road already and it just didn’t seem to work out.

Griffin and I started to walk down to the office in silence, and I took the time to reflect on how everyone else’s relationships had change. And for some reason they all involved Kat. Maybe something happened over the summer. I made a mental note of asking her, but as soon as the note was stocked away in my memory I knew it would be forgotten by the end of first period.

Unlike Kat and BJ’s relationship where I couldn’t tell what was going on, with Connor and Kat I knew exactly what was going on. If Connor’s longing eyes meant anything, which I knew they did, the nicer twin wanted my best friend. And for a few seconds back outside the school, I saw a glimpse of Kat wanting him back. And yet, it felt so goddamn wrong. I didn’t know why, but it just did. Connor balanced Kat out perfectly; he seemed to reel her back in when she got to careless and she seemed to pull him out when he reverted into himself too much. Plus, like her and BJ, Connor and Kat had the same interests too but it worked. They were competitive in a friendly way and always seemed to benefit. But for some odd reason, when I saw Kat standing next to Connor a little too closely, alarms rang off in my head. It was just a best friend instinctive feeling – it was funny because when the alarms first started, I didn’t know what they were. I hadn’t had one of those feelings in so long, but after a moment I recognized the feeling.

This time though, when I took a mental note to ask Kat about Connor and where she stood with him, I put it under the section of my brain labelled “To Be A Good Friend” where I would most definitely remember it.

As my internal self was examining through all the changes, I hadn’t noticed we were nearing the main office. We were only a few steps away, when Griffin and I looked at all the students lining up at the door. He leaned down and whispered, “I’ll stand out here, just go in and ask for Miss. P and you’ll get to skip the line.” At my confused look he added, “senior privileges. She was brought in last year to stop the traffic at the office.”

I nodded my head and whispered “thanks,” and walked away feeling his crooked smile and sweet eyes blazing into my back. Dodging a swarm of exited freshman, I made my way to an old wooden desk where Ms. Smith, the secretary sat sifting through papers. I cleared my throat in a polite manner and watched as her hazel eyes flicked up once and went back down to her papers in indifference. A moment later, as if recognizing who I was, she peered back up at me, her eyes widening slightly.

“Yes dear?” Although she seemed nervous to see me, her voice was strong and confident, just as I remembered. Everything about her was just like I remembered: her skin was leathery yet appeared soft, her silvery hair was cropped short and gleamed slightly whenever the sun rays coming from the window hit her, and her eyes were still kind as ever.

“I need my schedule. Is Miss. P here? My name is – “

“Oh not to worry dear, I remember you. I may be old, but my memory as a – what was it – a giraffe… oh! Elephant. Yes, that sounds right. Before you go to classes, you’ll need to pick up your textbooks from the library.” She smiled warmly to me as she handed me my schedule. In this space where no one could see me and with only harmless Ms. Smith to witness what I was about to do, I attempted to smile back. Quickly I turned out of the door, clutching my schedule to my chest before I could see the secretary’s reaction – probably a grimace.

When Griffin noticed I was out of the door, I handed him my schedule before he could ask for it and hastily started walking towards the library. I was a tad bit surprised that I remembered all the routes to the different places at school. Griffin’s long legs helped him keep in stride with me as he read over my schedule. “Oh cool – we have math and study hall together. I’m thinking about transferring into art so maybe we’ll get that too.” My head nodded in assent automatically.

 “You should go to study hall,” I told him when we were in front of the library.

He shook his head slightly, “s’okay. All they ever do is cover the rules on the first day so…” he let the sentence trail off, but I knew what he meant. He’d rather be with me right now. And despite my mind heavily resisting the thought, I wanted to be with him too.