My Deepest Thoughts


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My Deepest Thoughts

By Ceria Mackonvitz

Copyright©2010 by Ceria Mackonvitz

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, without permission in writing from the author themselves or publisher. If you have any questions or you would like to contact the author please email them at:

Cover Design by Jayde Knight


To Jayde Knight, thank you for the wonderful covers you made and for listening to me ramble and vent when I needed too.


To Kelli. I’m sure you already knew my feelings towards you since I have probably said it a thousand times…but…these are the words I haven’t said out loud to you. I don’t know what will become with us…but no matter what, it was great while it lasted and if it continues on, I’ll look forward to the journeys ahead with you, Caitlin and your family and friends as well as mine. Let’s reach for the stars together and shine brightly in the sky above us with everyone.  If not, then I wish you luck in everything that you do.

Table of Contents:

“There’s no more love in my heart”___ Page 8

“My Fantasy”____________________ Page 13

“Angel’s Tears”___________________ Page 23

“Let You Go”_____________________ Page 24

“I Will Be”_______________________ Page 26

“Inside of Me”___________________ Page 28

“Is it you?”______________________ Page 30

“Valentine’s Day Poem”____________ Page 33

“What Is Magick?”________________ Page 34

“Through My Eyes”_______________ Page 36

“Over the Edge”__________________ Page 38

“Burden”_______________________ Page 41

“Broken”________________________ Page 43

“Dreams and thoughts about them #1” Page 46

“Bittersweet Dream”______________ Page 51

“The Imaginary “love triangle” story”_ Page 59

“What am I?”____________________ Page 63

“Confessions”____________________ Page 66

“Heartbroken”____________________ Page 72

     “My Prophecy of you”______________ Page 77

     “Things I won’t ask of you”__________ Page 78

      “Falling”_________________________ Page 79

      “Feelings”________________________ Page 80

      “Images”_________________________ Page 81

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

"There's no more love in my heart"

By Alina Igna Ardeleanu

No...There's no more love in my heart.

It's void and empty of it.

I don't want your love anymore...

And yet I can't seem to get you out of my mind.

I crave for you.

I crave for your touch.

But I must say...

No, there's no more love in my heart.

A deep dark angel exists there.

No angel with love in its heart.

There's too much pain that takes over me.

It turns this angel's love to hurt.

What will you do when that love disappears for good?

I can't imagine if I can live any longer like this.

This heart full of blood and hate...

Despair, and fear...

No...There's truly no love in this heart.

If it were, I'd give it all to you and hope you'd take it and keep it safe.

It's hidden away locked in a treasure chest..

I'm wondering if I can keep it closed forever.

But no, there's no love here for you.

There's no love here for anybody right now.

Only pain and misery.

Anger and anguish.

Truly a sad sight to see.

That the love is gone from me.

Me who would give it all to you and anybody else who would accept it.

My two sides are interacting..

Going back into my damn disease.

I thought I was gone from it.

But it seems that it came back.

Like always,

I'll have to say to everyone now...

No, there's no more love here to give.

No more love in my heart.

Only pain and misery,

Anguish and defeat,

Anger and Betrayal.

Insanity in a world full of misery.

I wish I could take it all away.

I wish I could take the words "I love you" away from my vocabulary.

But we all know the truth...

I can't.

I can't go back now.

I've said those words to you.

I meant those words.

I hope I didn't offend you.

But for anyone else,

There's no more love left over to give to them.

It's all for you.

All for you.

So no, there's no more words of Love in my heart.

No more words of kindness to give.

There's only fire in my eyes.

Sadness in my soul.

In my voice there's despair and anger, betrayal and hurt...

The knowledge that I have a job to do and that's all there is to it.

But there's no more love for you.

There's no more love for them...

My heart is broken in two and yet you helped me heal it little by little.

It's not fully healed, but I feared I might have shocked you.

So now I'm closing the lid.

Keeping those words that I said to you that felt so right to say to you at the moment,

Locked deep inside my treasure chest...

Because I already see the future of what I said...

Those shattering words feel like theyalready shattered what we had.

What we could have had..

I said them too soon.

Without thinking, just feeling.

So now I have to say to you.

No, there's no more love in my heart.

I have to lie and say that goodbye once more.

I have to cry when you're gone, because that's the only thing that I feel.

Pain and anguish for lying just to keep you near.

I have to build those walls up again because we both have our futures to look forward too.

We both have futures different from ourselves that we are working to achieve.

And in the same sense,

I must tell you, the person that I want to protect...

That will tell me, it might be over and yet in a dream you said we were lovers...

I'm sorry......but there's no love here for us anymore....

I want to get to know you better,

Before I let my heart go out again to someone...

I want you to get to know me better too.

That's why I've restrained from telling you "I love you"

And yet, I slipped and said those words...

I await the consequences and am getting prepared to say,

"It's doesn't matter, it was just said in the moment..."

There truly is no more "I love you's" to say to you right now...

Even if my heart is breaking...

I'll keep it inside, because it's not time...

It's probably too soon.

I love you

But I'll say to you

Don't worry, it's do what you have to do...It's not a big deal anyway... I have to go now. I'll talk to you later....bye

I'm sorry that I'm lying to you when I say, "no there's no more "I love you" in my heart.

Because there truly is a lot of "I love you's" for you.

But right now, this is how the game is played.

With no more "I love you’s" coming out of my mouth.

May 4, 2007

“My Fantasy”

By Alina Igna Ardeleanu

I put my blindfold on...daring to dream the unthinkable…daring to let my fantasy rule over my mind, body and soul...I walk into a room full of people.Dressed up for a masquerade ball.My black mask covering my eyes with golden moons and stars all over it.Showing only my mouth.Music is playingand all around there are people dancing and chatting all over.Not noticing me.I'm hardly anyone to notice.My hair is tied in a ponytail,or maybe loose so it covers the elastic holding my mask,my only solstice that hides half of what is me.Dressed in a white blouse,2 buttons loose, or all the way tied up to my necka black tight fitting suede jacket covering it,with black matching pantsand black leather boots.I scan for you across the hallway.A drink in my hand as I always look.To see if I can spot you before you ever spot me.One look is all I want really.Even if you don't notice me.One look is what I'm craving for.To spot your blue eyes,blonde hair,and beautiful smile.And there you are...talking with someone.I dare ask myself "should I interrupt?" ......or "should I leave her be?"I gather up my courage and walk towards you.Knowing the risk I will take that you will figure out who I am.You will pull that mask off my face and know who I am.And you will either accept me.Laugh at me.Smile at me.Or deny me.But before you can ever do that princess.I shall dance with you.I interrupt the conversation.Apologize for the interruption and turn to look in your eyes.A smile on my face.I ask you, "Would you care to dance?"And as I see in your eyes that you are pondering to just say no to me.Something changes and you say "yes"for one dance is all I ask for.All I would need for now.Until next time.I smile more,take your hand in mine and kiss the top of it slowly while looking in your eyes.It makes me very happy that you accepted to dance with me.And there I lead you to the dance floor.Where an old fashioned waltz music is playing.Knowing that in time, it will turn to a very upbeat track.I'm truly nervous inside.I never thought that this day will come.To dance with you in my arms, even for a second.And yet here you are.In my arms, looking in my eyes with curiosity.Wanting to know who's behind this mask.Wanting to know what I want from you.Knowing that by the end of this night you will figure and find that out one way or another.Curiosity runs deep within each of us.Sacrifices have to be made in order to get what we want.My arm is resting around your waist as I hold you as close as I can.And our waltz has now started.1, 2, 3, stop and turn, 1, 2, 3, move in a circle with you,1, 2, 3, turn you half way and embrace you in my arms,dip down with you a little, and back up againthe back of your body pressed against the front of mine,my right hand wrapped around your stomach.You’re getting it.Your eyes are closed a little,a smile on your face as my face is close against yoursswaying together with the beat,I lean my face closer against your neck…breathing against it thru my mouth opening cause of my desire to kiss you so.This is a dance I cannot stop...but you might be able to stop it...if you want to that is.And as the music slows,so does our dance.As I place a soft kiss on your neck.You ask me who I am.I just smile with no answer to give.Your hand is resting against my mask.1 pull and you'll know who I am, if you haven't figured it out already.I turn my face towards your palm slowlyand speak softly..."that is for you to find out another day princess."Holding your fingers in my hands I kiss your palm softlytrailing my lips across it.Taking in a little of your scent inside me.I turn you around slowly while you’re still holding my maskunmasking me at the same time.I look in your eyes and smilemy hair down fully loose across my face.I bow and say my goodnight.Leaving you with my mask.And I wonder..."have you already figured it out...?"I think you the look in your eyes.For if eyes are the passageways to our souls.You of all people, must recognize who I am.My lover.And as I turn around,walking away from you,I wonder if you'll figure it out before I walk away for good.I wonder what the future holds for us.And the next thing I know.I hear someone scream out "wait!"And grab my arm as I am out thru the door.The wind surrounding us."YOU! Who are U??????"I'm bowing now again, shaking a little at the touch.Feeling weak, the tears about to come out, I cannot turn and face you.So I say with my back to you..."you know who I am please let go of my arm..."But you won’t.You’re determined to find out who I am, so your grip tightens until you have me turned around to face you in the shadows and darkness of the night.I can't look you in your eyes, for fear that you might leave me, or never forgive me again.I did this without invitation.I took this risk to see you in person, without your notice on it.I planned it all, knowing that it might eventually lead up to this.So instead I turn around and look at my ring...and at your hand grabbing mine tightly.Not letting go,you look with your eyes on me.Serious...determined…wanting to find out who I am one way or another.You say "tell me...."at this point, my breathing is erratic...emotions are running out of control.I look into your eyes with my own and I tell you."Check the name on the cards...asks your'll figure it out eventually."I chose not to give in yet.As I am very close to giving into you, without you knowing it.Without even me knowing it.You don't like that answer so you drag me back inside,while I am trying to pull myself away from you...struggling with no success.Your sisters are seeing this,some are intrigued and some are suspicious.Who would U bring upstairs with you.And Why?Eventually one stops you, but you don't care.You let them know to watch over your daughterand that you'll be back down later, but you have to figure this out now.Next thing I know, I'm walking up the stairs, being dragged by you, for I do not want to make too much of a scene.And you lock me in your room, stating that until I tell you what you want to know, you’re not letting me out.But that you will give me some time to think and be back because you have to tend to your daughter.The only thing that I can do is smile while I'm sitting on the floor.I don't know how long it is.What time it is anymore.I could have dozed off for all I know, as you come back to try and figure me out...I hear a noise, but my body does nothing to awaken…my eye twitches but that's about it.It's waiting until that person approaches before I attack or do anything.The minute you touch me, I snap awake and gasp.

Grabbing your arm at the same time while looking deeply in your eyes with mine.Finally figuring out that you’re not going to hurt me, I loosen my grip and apologize to you.Still sitting down on the floor I look at you.You’re surprised at this.You didn't expect me to be so fast, with my reaction time.You don't really know what to expect from me, for we have never really met in real life.You just know that you have to figure out, who I am.Because you know that with knowing my name, you will know something important.You will know me a little more.So, when you calmed down enough you ask me again."Well......."I raise my eyebrows at you in a questioning look. "What?" I say.You’re getting irritated, but you still want to know.I smile as I see that on your face knowing damn well that I'm going to face big consequences once you know who I am."Who are you?" you ask in a whisper.I lick my lips a little and swallow my saliva down.I get up and walk near you...slowlygathering up my courage to tell you who I am."It's now or never…” I think to myselflooking in your eyes, I finally tell you with a smile on my that I cannot let go. Knowing that it will be wiped off my face soon enough."I'm luvroseleeny7, Kel...I'm Alina"knowing that I'm no longer safe anymore from you.The question is...Will you accept me?I look deeper in your eyes as you finally recognize it all.Our bodies closer to each otheralmost touching…I wonder how long I will last.I think..."not much longer" as you come closer,my palms hold your face as I kiss you slowly while your arms wrap around my neck,bringing us closer together,our bodies touching fully now as our kiss deepens.Knowing that this is how it's supposed to be.Seeing what the future will hold for us.Holding you deeply I think only one thought: "I love you, forever."This is a fantasy that I do not want to end.Ever.I want it to continue.I want this fantasy to be true reality.And in some ways, it is.But I smile as I dream away.Wishing and thinking that maybe one day.One true day.When you’re ready.And I'm ready.It will come true.It's scary.But I'll continue living in my fantasy world with you.Until I have you with me in reality.Forever.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

"Angel's Tears"

By Alina Igna Ardeleanu

When Angels cry the tears of blood and darkness...something is amiss...Terribly wrong in their lives that they try to love and protect...Be wary of them...Don't anger them...Comfort them...Love them…Understand them...Treasure them to get them back to crystalline tears...salty tears...regular real tears...Accept them whollyand give them something to live for.A reason to be here.More than what they already have.We all need someone to love and protect.Show us that we can protect you by protecting us.And we will protect you forever.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

"Let you go"

By Alina Igna Ardeleanu

I have to let you go because I need to.

Even if I don't want to let you go,

I must.

I have to let you go,

Because that is what must be done.

I have to let you go,

Because it's what needs to be done.

I have to let you go,

BecauseI already saw it happening long before it ever did come true.

Will we ever become friends again?

Will we ever get back to being more than friends ever again?

Will it ever end?

These feelings deep inside of me,

They'll never come to an end.

They'll always be there for you and you alone.

I have to let yougo,

In order to protect myself from you and from me.

I have to let you go

In order to let us both live.

Whether it will ever be together again

Only time will tell.

I have to let go of you

Because you let go of me.

And it wouldn't be right to hold you back from your future.

It wouldn't be right to hold myself back from my future as well.

I have to let you go for both of us.

But you will always stay in my heart no matter what.

Anger will stir from time to time

And then that protection that I have for you.

It's always there.

It will stay there.

I can't say that I'm leaving you for good,

But I truly have no clue whether that's true or not.

I can hope against all hope that you'll come back to me.

But I have to let go of that hope as well.

Because I have no clue on whether it will EVER come true again.

I have to let you go in order to get stronger.

I have to let you go in order to survive

I have to let you go

Because I love you too much to do anything else.

I have to let you go because you let go of me.

And it's the only right thing to do at this moment in time.

I have to let go........

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

"I will be" By A.I.A. I will be the one to shut you all down. I will be the one to rip you all apart. I will be the one to take skin over skin, Bone over bone, And tear it apart. Little by little, agonizingly so, Just so you can feel it deep in your soul. I will be the one you'll regret not being with. I will be the one to harden my heart, harden my soul. I will be the one to lock all that I have to give away once more. I will be the closed closet in your living room dorm. I will be that heart so long lost forgotten in that treasure chest up in the basement attic. I will be the one to kick all their asses! I will be the one to go crazy with grief, But I'll make sure to promise you... ...that you won’t ever see it in person. I will be the one to walk through heaven and hell for you. Fire means nothing, because I AM that fire that's so deep down inside. I will be that spirit that still stays with you even though I'm gone. I will be THE one. The one that's meant for you. I will be the one that spreads my wings far apart and wide enough to protect you and shelter you from harm. I will be the one to sacrifice it all, For your happiness to stay intact. I will be the light that stays illuminated in the deepest darkest corners of your mind. Keeping you safe from harm. My anger is my fire, my passion, my desire. Piss me off and you get a blazing heat of eternal justice on your hands. I'll pound everyone to the ground. I'll break the doors down. Walls will fall and crack all around. I'm the wind that surrounds you in the heat. I'm the water, cooling you forever. I'm the other half of your soul, Watching you in the darkness. Since I can no longer touch you anymore. And that is where I will always be. That's where you will find me.

September 24, 2009

“Inside of Me”

By Alina Ardeleanu Igna


I am two souls.....

One of darkness.

One of light.

I have two hearts.....

One that bleeds and is whole,

One that is crystalized and hard.

Both shining through the darkness within me.

Both fight for existence to take over my body and emotions

One always wins, while the other revives itself for another fight again.

My body is not in peace

There is always a war inside of me of who will take over.

They coexist and that in itself is a miracle

I am two souls in one body.

Two hearts, one that is always there and seen,

The other is masked in crystal and is hidden very deep inside of me.

The heart of the body and the heart of the soul.

I get too aggressive and turn into a beast...

A beast I want to silence forever

I wonder if there will be a day when both my souls will find peace within each other

When I can take control for good and not have to worry about my emotions overtaking me,

To the point where I don't feel the need to hurt the one's I love.

To the point where I don't have to live in solitude.

Every time I feel like I'm moving forward,

I get kicked back again and have to start over.

It's getting really tiring…

I want peace.



Forgiveness for the thing that I am.

But mostly what I really want is Love.......

And a family that I can call my own.

"Is it you?" 10/1/2009

By Ceria Mackonvitz

A foot step in between my legs,

The covers surrounding me.

I'm still asleep and yet still awake.

Thinking of you...

Trying to dream of you.

I believe I did dream of you.

But it's all fading at the moment...

I feel a small footstep hopping in between my legs towards me,

And just as quickly as I feel it,

It disappears.

Surrounded by my covers.

I feel your fingers caressing my cheek.

I can almost feel your breath and my chest tightens at the thought that it's really you,

I feel scared for some reason.

Scared that I'll miss you when you're here.

Scared that I'll forget you.

Scared that you'll leave me.

I feel you lowering your face down towards mine.

All I can think is "she's going to kiss me?"

I can't breathe.

I can't move.

I'm okay with it for the moment.

It feels like a minute has passed by and I get anxious.

"What’s happening?" I think once more.

I'm paralyzed to my bed.

Trying to move,

Trying to speak.

I can't do either.

I can only wait as my chest tightens more.

I feel the darkness like a shadow appear underneath my eyelids.

The only sensation that I can think of is that it’s probably you.

I sense the shadow getting lower and lower.

I'm waiting in vain.

And yet I still feel your hand hold my cheek and then caress my chin softly.

A lover's touch waiting for the time to lie down next to me in my bed and kiss me.

Are you floating above me?

Watching over me?

We haven't spoken in so long.

As the darkness covers me more...

Before we get the chance to kiss,

My fear overrides me and I escape from this power that has me held down onto the bed.

Not able to talk.

Not able to breathe.

I gasp hard for air as my body shakes at the same time.

I can't open my eyes.

Paralyzed, I was by this presence that was surrounding me,

Not a minute ago.

If I knew that it was you,

I'd have given in without a thought.

Given into you.

And let you take me away in a wonderful dream with just us.

My body shakes as I breathe harder and faster.

Taking in the air that my body so desperately craves.

My life force...

If only for certain I knew that it was you...

I would have let myself be swept away in the kiss that was to come.

But since I really didn't know,

And fear had grabbed my heart.

Fear of actually missing you and not talking to you.

I woke up instead.

To see if maybe today you'd come on so I can see you once more.

Where are you?

“Valentine’s Day poem” 2/14/2010

By Ceria Mackonvitz

I'm bleeding from my heart.

Bleeding from my soul.

Come home baby.

Come home.

So I can wrap my arms around you once more...

Is all I'm thinking right now, and wondering if I will ever find you in this lifetime.

I feel so lost.

So all alone.

Like my heart is breaking in two million pieces spreading all over the floor.

No matter what I try.

No matter what I do to survive.

I still feel that void inside.

Me without you equals to an incomplete life.

I wonder if you're out there searching for me too.

Unconsciously I think that's the only thing keeping me alive today.

Until I finally see you.

“What Is Magick?” 5/12/2010

By Ceria Mackonvitz

Magick is taking you in my arms and holding you deeply and tightly to me.

It's seeing the red invisible line of love and fate coming from inside my heart and body,

Going miles until it finally reaches you.

Warming you inside and out whileprotecting you in all angles and aspects of life.

It's feeling your warmth inside my whole being,

Making me feel energized and fired up.

Magick is knowing that I love you with all my heart and soul,

And knowing that I would give you the world if I could.

It's sending all the best angels that protected me to protect you.

Watching you from a distance and knowing that you're okay.

Magick is dreaming of you and feeling that you are near me even though we are so far apart from each other.

Knowing that when I feel tingles on my back, neck, or shoulders during my dreams and daydreams.

That it just symbolizes the strength I have of you in me.

And that you are always with me in spirit.

Watching over me.

No matter what I do.

Magick is the power that is between us,

Always pulling us back together again.

No matter the situation...

I can't seem to let go of you.

Even when I do.

The pull towards you is strong.

I can't say "no" to it.

It's a losing cause.

I belong with you.

Like you belong with me.

"Through My Eyes" 5/12/2010

By Ceria Mackonvitz

I see those white star flecks.

Sometimes they're blue,

Sometimes they're black.

But they usually pop out in front of my face as little bright shiny white flecks.

Emerging from deep within me and out there wherever I might be looking at the time.

That's when the dizziness starts.

Or my heartbeat gets faster.

That's when I think that you're on.

Because only when those flecks come out in front of me.

Whether they are white and shiny or metallic blue transforming into a star shape.

It's how I know that you're on.

Or if you aren't online.

You're here with me.

Watching over me.

But I guess I'm wrong.

Because you aren't on.

I am getting dizzy...

And reports on the news say that those flecks...

Including some black ones that I see.

Means that my eyesight is going bad.

Really bad.

Am I afraid of it?

Yes and No.

Because inthe end,

I'll put my invisible rose-colored glasses on my face...

And say to the world:

"She’s on. She's with me. That's why I see the white and blue metallic sparks that come in front of my eyes."

Even when I know least that's a lie I'd rather live with,within myself.

And most likely get blind as the consequence of it.

"Over The Edge" 5/12/2010

By Ceria Mackonvitz

I don't know where I remember this from...

I either read it in a book or saw it on T.V.

Or maybe not even that.

Maybe I saw it in a movie or read it online.

And I'm sure that I will get the saying wrong.

But in all cases...

You know you've gone over the edge...

When you can no longer look at your reflection in the mirror and count to 10.

Just staying there…

Staring at it.

I was somehow able to do that last month.

And maybe the month before that.

But now.


When I think of looking in that mirror to see myself.

Who I truly am.

I can no longer face it.

I might be able to face it for a couple of minutes if I'm doing something to my face.

But other than that, I can't.

I disgust myself.

Even though people might see me different.

I, no longer feel that I am the same person I was in elementary school.

Or Junior High School.

And maybe even high school itself.

I was never really a happy go lucky person.

I just knew how to bring myself up when people would make fun of me.

I knew how to ignore them.

Fight them.

Talk back at them.


I, no longer have that patience within myself.

I grow tired of games such as these.

I see only a beast inside.


I used to have my own personality.


It's grown more mature but I think in the worst way possible.

It's nothing I would want to share with anyone.

I've truly become a facade within my outer appearance.

A beast within myself that I feel is finally showing my true colors.

I'm so cold-hearted to people.

Even if I'm nice.

My outer appearance shows the total opposite.

I can't stand to stay next to them.

I've truly gone insane while trying to get that sanity back.

I don't think I'll be able to anymore though.

Maybe at one point or another I will.....

But I'm tired and weary...

And very judgmental.

I grow more impatient with certain people.

I grow more jaded within my naiveté.

I'll still be naive in certain things.

But I'll also still be someone you wouldn't want to wreck with.

Insanity can be a bitch.

Maybe one day I'll take her as my lover.

And lose the world that I have been living in for good.

“Burden" 5/13/2010

By Ceria Mackonvitz

If I ever get sick...

I mean really really really sick.

Sick as in I find out that I'm HIV positive.

Or have cancer...

Or go blind...

Or go deaf...

You know since anything can happen...

But if it's something deadly where I would have to have someone take care of me.

I promise...

I won’t ever ask you to take care of me.

I won’t burden you, my friends, or my family with that burden.

I'll live it alone and survive it somehow

I would truly turn into a hermit then.

No sense in having anyone worried about a death that is coming.

Blindness isn't so bad at least I can live with it.

Same thing goes for being deaf.

At least I won’t have to hear people bitching or screaming at me anymore!

I could get through.

But all those other tough times...

Those other tough diseases...

Those are the ones I'm afraid of.

My goal in life is to protect you both.

Not to burden you with more people to take care of.

So, even if you think I'm crude at the time.

For letting you go.

For making you hate me at the time.

For not letting you know why I'm leaving.

For pushing you away.

As long as you find happiness in the end.

Happiness with someone that can take care of you both and not be a burden at the same time.

Then that's what truly counts to me.

I'll bear it all just to have you be happy till the end.

I'll love you even when I know you might hate me for letting you go.

For not telling you what's happening or giving you the chance to choose if you want to even bother staying with me or not.

I'll carry that burden within me and keep on surviving for as long as I can alone.

That way no one gets hurt physically.

The disease won’t spread to you or anyone else.

It'll be okay.

Because it'll be just me and my cat.

With a forever prayer for you and your daughter to be happy and loved eternally.

Even through my death.

My angels will watch over you both eternally.


Because that is what my heart desires the most.

Your happiness.

Not my own.

That is my burden...

That is my resolve.

At least I'll have peace that way.

“Broken" 5/23/2010

By Ceria Mackonvitz

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

The clock winds down the road.

Time stops. Time starts.

As my time comes near an end.

No matter how many times you try to fix me.

My mechanics are broken down.

I'm broken inside.

No matter what the outside shows.

I can't work in this state.

I can hardly do anything correctly except to just relax.

So as the time keeps running around.

I stay broken inside.

The only way I know how to fix myself,

Is to try and do more.

But how can you do more?

When you're broken inside.

As I am.

I'm not a robot.

You can't just oil me up,

Upgrade my system,

Do a disk cleanup,

Disk defragment,

And think it'll work.

It's empty there.

Full of darkness.

Whoever I was before.

I've outgrown it.

I've become something worse.


I certainly am not a robot.

But yet you push me to the point where I think you really might think I am.

I have a body.

A heart.

A broken soul.

My fire is deep.

But yet I’m still broken down.

And yet no one can fix me.

As the time comes near an end.

I know there might be someone out there who can fix me.

Who'll accept me as my broken down self,

And help build me back up again.

But until then.

I'll stay broken as I am.

Until I canput myself together again.

Broken Heart.

Broken Soul.

Broken Body.





And maybe soon to be outside as well.

I do not see the things other people see in me.

And if I do.

I just go away from it.

I'm scared of it.

My broken self and I.

I'm becoming the total opposite person of who I used to be.

More nuttier I think.

Less saner.

More scared of insects, spiders, pests, etc.

Less scared of the human population.

I am broken.

Can you fix me?

But I don't want you to fix me...

It's not your burden to have.

It's no one's burden after all but my own.

"Dreams and thoughts about them #1" 5/28/2010

By Ceria Mackonvitz

I know your address...

I don't know how I know it, but apparently I finally found it out.

So I decided to dress up like a newspaper reporter in order to see you.

Because let’s face it, if you found out who this was.

You'd deny me and say no.

I walk up to your house,

Go through the gates and up in the driveway.

Walking up the steps,

I look at the place in wonderment.

"So this is where you live at..." I think to myself.

I'm dressed in nothing fancy.

Just some pants and a beige shirt,

Blue cap on top of my head,

My hair in a ponytail with glasses on.

Since I don't want you to see my eyes.

Can't have you recognizing me yet...

I knock on your door and wait.

Nervous, because this was against the rules.

But I still had to do it.

"Time to be professional now...get into the role Alina." I say to myself as I wait and knock again.

I can hear you inside talking on the phone.

And then finally you open the door while looking out the screen door.

"Who are you?" you ask me.

I look at you.

I'm a little speechless because I finally get to see you.

Though this isn't how I wanted it to be,

At least it's better than nothing at all.

A minute passes and you're starting to get annoyed as I get my senses back and start to speak.

"Hi, I'm from the local newspaper and I would like to interviewyou for an article I'm writing." I say to you.

You look a little skeptical at me.

I pull out an ID that a newspaper reporter would have to prove to you that I say who I am.

"Is it okay if I can come in and ask you a couple of questions?" I ask again, almost pleadingly.

After a minute or so of having your blue eyes on me, you finally agree and open the screen door.

Letting me in.

As I walk inside your house and look up at the ceilings and the first floor rooms,

I'm amazed by them.

"Are you going to ask me questions or not?" you say impatiently.

"I'm sorry, but you have a beautiful place here." I reply back

"Thank you..." you say back and then walk towards the kitchen.

"You can stay on the couch if you want and we can talk there, is there anything you want to drink?" you ask me.

"Just water please." I reply back as I sit on the couch.

The minute you walk into the kitchen,

Youturn toward the door out there andgo outside and there I am.

My real body is right in front of you and I'm stunned by your beauty.

All I want to do is hug you, but I can't touch you.

I'm not allowed.

The reporter inside is no longer me but someone else entirely.

You know there's something wrong with them.

You get scared as warning bells ring in through your head while you bring the water out.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not feeling too well right now, can we do it later?" you tell them as you bring them up off the couch and towards the front door.

"But wait! I haven't asked you any questions yet!" the reporter states as you bang the door closed in their face.

I'm staring at you, trying to get your attention to no avail.

Trying to hug you, to tell you that it's okay.

You can't see me.

You can't feel me.

And I'm scared for you, because you're scared and I can't do anything to make you feel comfortable or safe.

I can only watch as this scene unfolds.

"Is it true???????" the reporter asks through the door

"Is it true that you're with her?" they ask again

You freak out and leave out the kitchen doorway again.

You take Caitlin with you and leave.

Put her and your baggage in a car and drive away as fast as you can to a motel where no one can recognize you.

My spirit still follows your blonde hair all around, making sure that you're okay.

The minute you get annoyed with the hotel personnel,

You pay for the room and go inside.

It's tiny and cramped but you don't care.

You feel safer there right now than when you were in your own house alone.

No reporters lurking around at least.

You take your laptop out, get internet connection, and log in.

I'm sitting in my room now.

Waiting to talk to you online.

You IM me and say "Hi"

I stare at the IM and reply back "Hi, are you okay?"

You don't really want to say anything but at the same time you do tell me something about what happened.

And all that I could do is give you a cyber hug.

I ask if you spoke to your sisters yet.

If anyone knows where you are and you respond back that no one knows where you are at the moment.

You tell me to hold on and call them.

After that we speak again for a little while longer before you decide to get some rest.

One of them will pick you up after the reporter is taken away and dealt with.

We say our goodnights.

Hug and kiss.

You turn off the computer while I still stay staring at the monitor.

Still worried about you.

Still trying to make sure that you're okay.

So...why is it that I can't reach you in spirit when I'm trying to do so all the time?

Why can I only reach you in my dreams online,

But on almost any other plain, it's like you're unreachable to me.

Right when I'm so close, you slip out of my fingers like you did just now.

"Bittersweet Dream" 5/28/2010

By Ceria Mackonvitz

I'm in my house,

When I hear a knock at my front door.


I go to answer it.

Knowing it’s you.

I had just came back from the grocery store and bought some food so I could make you dinner when you arrived.

I’m anxious and happy to see you and Caitlin, and give you a hug then invite you all inside.

I’m surprised to see Meg,

But I accept her in all cases since she’s your sister.

You and Meg come to my room and tell me that she needs to rest.

It was a long drive to get to my place.

I freak out, because of the mess that I have in my bed,

But she doesn’t care and just lays down on the bed and falls asleep.

We watch her for a little bit before we part the room and walk in the hallway.

I go outside for a little bit.

I don’t know why,

Nor have any recollection of the reasoning behind this.


I am transported into my old apartment in New York City with my mom.

We're arguing.

She doesn't like you.

Says that I shouldn't be with you.

I scream at her.

I'm extremely mad and pissed off at her.

"How dare she think to tell me who I can love or not love?"

"Why would I break up with you? There's just no way in hell that's happening!" I think to myself.

I'm fuming as I tell her "if you don't like it too bad. This is my life and I love her. I'm not leaving her and you can't do anything about it!"

I, then open the door and walk out.

Closing it behind me and go down the stairs.

I walk to your place.

Which is actually my place.

But somehow it turned into your place.

I don't understand this at all.

It’s all a little confusing.

As I walk up the stairs to your apartment,

I cool down some.

Though I am still upset, I won’t show it to you.

Or at least I try not to.

You're too special to me.

I don't like seeing you upset or angry.

Especially not because of me.

So I decided to just leave it inside and not let you know about the fight.

I open the door and go into the kitchen,

Looking at the frozen dinners that I bought and wondering which one I'm going to eat.

For some reason I'm hungry.

"What are you doing here?" you ask me.

You surprise me and I jump up a little.

"You want my heart to get out of my skin?" I ask you while looking at you and then looking inside the fridge again.

You just stare at me.

You're amused with me.

"I just want to get something to eat is all..." I speak softly while still looking at the selections.

You decide at that point to come closer to me.

Leaning your body very very close to mine.

We're almost touching as I turn my face towards yours.

Our lips are so close together,

There is hardly any space left between us as our breathes intermingle with each other.

"We can't do this here, not right now." you whisper to me

I'm in a daze...the only thing I can do is nod in response.I truly want you really badly.

But I also respect your wishes.Even if I see different in your eyes.

I'm sure we both feel the same way.

But it's all about boundaries.

Meg is in the next room sleeping and so is Caitlin.

There's no way in hell we can do anything right now in the kitchen without waking them up.

"You should go..." you tell me.

This upsets me...

"I bought the food. Shouldn't I have a say in whether I get to stay or not? This is my house too." I reply back.

You just look at me. It's not stern, and it's not bad either...

You can't really say no to it, because it is true. What I said is true.

It was my house originally before you all moved in.

I exhale my breath out as I step a little away from you.

Giving us space from each other before we end up tearing our clothes apart from our bodies.

You in your casual black lingerie and thong,

Me in my white pj set.

"Fine...give me a minute...I need to get something from my room to give to Caitlin." I say to you as I turn around and head into the room where Meg is sleeping.

"Hey...can you get up a little bit meg? I just need to get something very fast" I speak softly as I lean over her.

She doesn't budge. She's knocked out,

So I try to be careful when looking for the stuffed animal I want to take with me while rolling her body up and closer against my leaning form above her.

I finally find the nice brown teddy bear that's the size of two of my palms put together in height.

I make sure to place Meg's back down carefully onto the mattress and then leave.

I go into the kitchen again where you're staying.

"Here...promise to give this to Caitlin?" I ask and tell you at the same time.

You just look at me as you take the teddy bear in your hands.

"Yes..." you reply back,

Knowing that I'm actually going to leave my own house because you requested it.

"Kay...well goodbye then..." I say as I turn around, open the door, and then close it.

I walk down the stairs thinking that this is the second time I said goodbye to someone.

And this is the time where I really didn't want to say goodbye again.Especially not to you.

Not after I defended you.

I certainly wasn't expecting this.

There are three guys waiting downstairs.

Lounging around talking shit.

Not really doing anything.

"Hey, why are you leaving?" one of them asks me.

"It's none of your business." I say to them as I turn to walk out the door.

"You know this pipe is broken right? You think you can fix it?" Another one asks me.

"What pipe are you talking about?" I ask back as I turn around and look at them.

"The one down in the basement. Here come down with us and I'll show you." He replies back.

I get annoyed...

"What? You're telling me big guys like you can't do your own jobs properly now? You need a girl to fix it for you?" I reply back.

That shut them up, but I'm still annoyed.

" me where it is and I'll see what I can do." I say to them as I walk down the stairs.

"It's not like I have anything better to do anymore with my life." I think to myself as I follow them.

I see the broken pipe and try to fix it. I'm almost done when one of them makes a crack joke at me.

I glare at them, take off my White Pajama Shirt, and wrap it around my waist.

"Give me a hammer and a wrench will ya?" I say as they pass it to me and then I work on fixing the pipe.

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5 minutes pass and I'm finally done fixing it. " that wasn't so hard now was it?" I say as they look at me.

It's a triangle and I'm somehow stuck in the middle of these guys as I see you walk down the stairs.

Apparently so do they,

And they get scared.

No words come out of their mouths as you approach me and touch my skin.

I jump a little and look in your face.

I see the love in your eyes and I know it's the same kind of love that reflects in my eyes as well back to you.

That connection is there and always will be as I hug you closer to me and kiss you.

Everything turns black.

When I open my eyes again,

I’m walking through a crowd outside.

It's dark out.

Windy and snowing at the same time.

Like a Blizzard at its peak.

The worst combination for me.

Everyone around me that I see when I put my face up is blurry because of the hail coming down and fast towards me.

I feel so wrong.

So numb.

Like I don’t know where I’m going or where I’m supposed to be.

Lost with no way, or reason to get back home.

And to what home?

At that point in time, I don’t think I had one if I was just wandering around like a lost soul.

My arms are wrapped around my waist as I'm walking in my white lacy hipsters in the middle of the street.

Tears are coming out of my eyes.

I'm sad.

And I have nowhere to go.

I'm just wandering around the streets,

My arms wrapped around my chest,

Covering my breasts as I try not to think of the people staring at my naked body with only my underwear on.

And no one even dares to stop and ask me if I'm okay.

They wouldn't dare.

I wouldn't let them even if they did.

So maybe that's a good thing.

The dream turns to black and ends as I wake up...

My spirit coming back into my body once more as I still hold onto my pillow whom I consider as the substitute of you,

Until I have you in my arms.

My covers aren't like they were when I first fell asleep.

Only one is covering me.

Itwasa bittersweet dream

Because I woke up both happy and sad at the same time.

I don't know how else to describe this feeling.

I'm happy that I love you and that I know that you love me.

And I'm sad that we're separated....

That there's no way in hell we'll see each other in person.

That in the end, I still wake up alone without you in my arms.

"The imaginary "love triangle" story" 6/13/2010

By Ceria Mackonvitz

There once was a girl...

Who fell in love with an Irish witch and her daughter.

She promised herself and her lovers’ sister that she would protect them both forever.

One day this girl wrestled her lover's sister.

She became hers for one night and one night only.

It was a very deep connection they had when that happened.

But throughout the whole time,

All the girl thought of was her Irish witch.

In the end, she got scared and confused.

Both sisters to her, it felt like it was a game.

Like they were using both s/n's to trick her in order to find out her true feelings.

It may not be true.

But the confusion led to secrets that aren't told fully and kept inside each other’s hearts.

Whatever the secrets the sisters hold,

Won’t be said to the girl.

Whatever the girl’s secrets are, those deep dark thoughts...

Well let’s just say that not a lot of people know.

Now back to the story at hand...

The girl got so confused that she started having feelings for the sister as well.

She knew she didn't love the sister like she loved her Irish witch.

But she still loved her and the daughter very deeply still.

She swore that even though there were fights between them from time to time.

She would still protect the sister for her lover’s sake.

Since she wasn't with them to protect them.

She left it in her sister’s hands to be handled.

Well...One day the girl had another thought.

She wanted happiness.

She wanted love.

And she very much wanted a family to call her own.

But she knew that no matter how much she might want that,

It will disappear from her.

Months later:

She is living alone over 2000 miles away from her lover and friend.

She has realized that there is only one true thought in her mind.

If she were ever to be with her witch.

And if ANYONE would ever try to tear them apart.

She would not only fight them, but she would tell them this:

"What the hell are you trying to do going after my wife?

You do realize that she's mine right?

And no one else can have her.

The factor that I allow her ex and her sister to have her is for my own benefit as well.

I am not as sexually inclined as all of them are.

As I see it, she is my wife.

Her sister is my lover and her ex is her lover when she needs it.

I can't just let her ex go, because god knows she still loves her plus we don't want anything damaging to happen to her physically.

It's bad enough she's not in a stable state in her mind.

But I swear to you on this.

If you EVER go and touch my lover, my wife, her daughter, or her ex in any way that I deem unnecessary...

I will cut you down to pieces and you won’t have a chance in hell for a regular normal life.

Leave now before you get physically hurt by me.

You don't need to worry about them.

You need to worry about me.

For I can do more damage than all of them put together,

And I will protect them all with my life in order to keep all their happiness intact!

Now get the hell out of this house before I literally kick you out."

After the long speech was done,

She would then give them a seriously cold threatening look that would tell them to back off and leave for good.

Forif they crossed the boundaries thatshe had already set.

If they didn't listen then she would fight them to the death.

Even if it cost her, her life.

But luckily that never happened.

No one dared go against her,

And the opponent had left or just stayed silent just like the sisters did.

After that the girl would turn around and walk away.

She had to walk away because she was losing strength after all the energy she put into the threat.

Her body starts shaking as the anger still takes over her and subsides at the same time.

She feels her energy slipping away from her,

"Just like before..." she thinks to herself as her body starts to fall to the floor.

She's blacking out again,

But she thinks this time, it's more serious.

This time, it might kill her unlike the last times.

Her time is up but at least she protected them once in her life not only in person but also with her spirit as well.

And with the knowledge that she was loved in a different sort of way…

She smiles as her sister holds her and brings her to the couch to lay down and calm down.

Everyone's worried at this point,

But there really isn't anything to be worried about.

It's more than a love triangle.

It's like a full-blown circle.

The one thing she understands fully is that she is not meant to be with only one person and one person alone.

She's meant to love more than one and it kills her inside.

Because she knows that in truth.

She won’t be able to have any of them at all in real life.

That's just wishful thinking and a dream.

Too much to hope for at this point in her life.

After all it’s just a dream…

The end.

"What am I?" 6/19/2010

By Ceria Mackonvitz

What am I?

In these dark deep depths that is me,

I keep on asking myself that question.

I feel like I’ve lost myself.

What I once was, I am no longer.

So...what. Am...I?

As I see it...

I am a demon and angel combined.

I am a warrior who seeks death, vengeance and justice.

I am a witch who wants to heal and protect those I made promises in protecting with my life eternally.

I am strong and weak at the same time.

I show both always.

I cannot go one way without going another.

I am a leaf blowing randomly in the wind and just following it with no real passage or home to go too.

For, I am still searching for that home.

That home that I truly belong in.

Truly belong too.

Truly belong with.

Belonging with full acceptance and disclosure of who I am.

I am one that maybe when I was little,

I didn't think that I belonged to death.

Wasn't really seeking it.

But I could be wrong.

I could have seeked death even then.

Without really knowing it consciously.

I can laugh, talk, and cry,

I can threaten, shake, and break down,

But in all cases,

Tears will always come out of my eyes.

As much as I crave to die.

I only crave to die in my own way.

At least once in my life, I hope to do things right with the correct person.

I hope to protect them with my life, fully and eternally.

From those people who want to harm them.

I hope to shield them from the pain and soothe it away with my body and soul.

I am a martyr.

It seems I always have been and that will not change even now,

Nor even in the future.

But I still wonder...

To this day...

Who am I?

Because even as a warrior,

Even if I fight, I know I will not use 100% of my strength to defeat the enemy.

If I can't even kill a spider, or fly, or animal or anything for that matter that wasn't dead before hand.

Because I break down and cry.

Because it affects me so deeply.

That I can’t even sleep at night afterwards anymore.

How can I truly be a warrior?

This strength that I have is not that of a warrior.

The strength that I have,

Is to sacrifice myself, my body, my spirit and soul

To protect only the people that I have so chosen wholly.

I break down and my body shakes after a fight.

It can't handle hurting other people.

That is why I can't, nor won’t really defend myself.

My ultimate unconscious goal I guess...

Is to see the angel of death.

To finally have eternal peace my way.

To die in my own way.

But if you have it in your heart to see what my goal is,

Accept it and not accept it at the same time

And get me to come back to life,

With full love in my heart and soul.

I would be a better person for it.

I was yours eternally to begin with,

And I believe that will still stand even then and now.

"Confessions" 6/30/2010 & 7/19/2010

By Ceria Mackonvitz

I think I'm going insane...

I have to be, right?

Or maybe not...

I'm worried about you.

I probably shouldn't be,

But I still am regardless of that factor.

I have so many thoughts going on in my head right now.

I'm sad and missing you.

And at the same time I'm thinking that you're okay now.

Where ever you are.

That things are okay between you and your sister.

I feel guilty.

I probably shouldn't.

There really is no reason for me to feel guilty right?

I mean....

Let’s see here...

When it comes to us...I don't even know what to call us anymore.

But yet when I'm with you I feel whole.

I feel right.

I want to protect you and make you feel safe and happy.

I want to make you feel what I feel.

I don't want to make you feel guilty.

I guess we can say that we're friends with benefits?

Or lovers?

I dunno...

I don't know what we are anymore.

So there's no reason for you to feel jealous.

There's no reason for me to feel jealous if you decide to spendtime offline with other people.

We never had an agreement that we would be together forever in life.

That wasn't part of the plan.

It wasn't part of our original agreement.

Almost 5 years will come since I spoke with you.

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5 years of when you asked me about what I plan to do with my future.

Without thinking of you, just of myself.

Even then, I thought of you in my future.

Even now, I still have you in my future thoughts.

You're someone I can't let go of.

Every timeI try,

We always come back to each other.

It's very uncanny, I think.

Every time I try to move on.

I think I can move on.

You come and grab my heart again.

Even if I made you hate me.

Even if I would be cold to you to get you away from me.

You'll always have my heart.

That is the one constant in this relationship that we have.

I will stay by your side for as long as I am needed.

For as long as you will have me, need me, love me, and want me.

The minute those factors slip away.

The minute I am no longer needed, wanted and loved.

I will eventually disappear from your life.

We made a promise to each other.

That ifone doesn't love the other anymore.

We would tell each other and then move on.

We won’t stay in a loveless relationship.

I wonder if you still remember it.

I promised to always behonest and truthful with you.

The reason it worked out so well is because we had an understanding with each other.

That is why,

I did not make a scene or a big deal about 99% of the things you did and still do with other people.

I try to take it in stride.

I have no reason to judge you.

Because by judging you I would have to judge myself.

And since I do that daily to myself,

There is just no reason to do that to you.

It's not what I want in our relationship.

I don't expect it to be pure and innocent.

We have both been through traumatic experiences.

But I would hope that we would be able to make good on what we have.

Make it into more.

I can't ask you anymore.

Because it seems I always fuck it up.

I have really bad timing on these things.

And my fear takes over me too much as well.

So I wait for you like an idiot to move forward with us.

Wait for your questions.

Wait for you to tell me that you're ready to continue forward.

It's a dreamI know.

Wishful thinking at its best.

Because I can't take you saying "no, soon, or later" anymore.

I know you want to say yes.

I feel it in my bones.

In my heart and in my soul.

I'm sure you want me to ask.

But I can't anymore.

So I wait for you to gather up your courage.

And just ask me plainly and bluntly to see me.

To talk to me over thephone.

To call me.

I know you said 4 years ago that we might see each other in New York.

I know that when you left me,

You used that against me with someone elseto hurt me,

To get back at meinstead of asking me straight up what was going on.

I wonder if you're trying to use that same thing again with Jaimee this time against me.

It didn't work once. It won’t work now.

It will only make me want to disappear from you for good.

I'm not cut out for this crap.

I want a serious relationship.

I don't want you playing games with my heart.

And yet, I take it like a fool.

I don't know what to do...

I love you so much...

But I don't know what to do anymore with you...

I talk with you online.

Love you so damn much.

But the pain is so hard to bear inside sometimes.

The tears come out.

The sadness creeps in every time I hear you're with someone else.

Or have chosen someone else.

To you, I'm nothing but an online fuck.

It's fine.

Even if I'm wrong.

It feels that way sometimes.

So I try to keep my heart at bay.

Locked up so it doesn't get hurt again.

But it doesn't work.

It comes out by itself.

My unwilling partner.

It will go to you because it's what I want deep down inside.

So I open it up to you,

Knowing that there is a greater factor it will get hurt by you over and over again.

Even when we had something good going on,

One of us always seemed to mess it up.

I'm not blaming you for it.

I just feel like there could be more for us.

And in some ways...

I'm sorry there can't be more for us.

"Heartbroken" 7/19/2010

By Ceria Mackonvitz


You're tugging at my heart

Tugging at my soul.

In order to keep that control,

That you have over me so well.

I wish I could say no.

But even that won’t do.

Because you have me heartbroken baby.

My heart is split in two.

When it comes to you.

End of Chorus:

I feel your fingers touching the strings of my heart.

They're so deep inside of me.

Deep inside my soul.

Playing an invisible tune.

I grasp your imaginary fingers with mine inside my mind.

Trying to stop this pain from corrupting me.


You're tugging at my heart

Tugging at my soul.

In order to keep that control.

That you have over me so well.

I wish I could say no.

But even that won’t do.

Because you have me heartbroken baby.

My heart is split in two.

When it comes to you.

End Chorus:

You told me one day,

A long time ago.

"We are meant to mate."

True to my faith.

True to my hope.

True to my belief in you.

I prayed and trusted that it was true.

Hanging on to those five words in order to keep me going.

Keep me living.

Keep me hoping, praying that one day it would come true.

But only now do I put it down on paper.

That it wasn't true.

It was all a mirage.


You're tugging at my heart

Tugging at my soul.

In order to keep that control.

That you have over me so well.

I wish I could say no.

But even that won’t do.

Because you have me heartbroken baby.

My heart is split in two.

When it comes to you.

End Chorus

The control I let you have over me is unsurpassable.

No one could ever take my love for you away.

No one could ever replace it either.

The minute you came into my life.

I'm destined to be with you.

My broken heart.

Broken soul.

I live through it day to day.

Hoping that one day

We'll make destinies words come true.


You're tugging at my heart

Tugging at my soul.

In order to keep that control.

That you have over me so well.

I wish I could say no.

But even that won’t do.

Because you have me heartbroken baby.

My heart is split in two.

When it comes to you.

End Chorus:

You want me in New York

You know I can't go back.

You aren't there.

It would be different if I had you by my side.

But I don't.

I only have you online.

And I wonder how long that's going to last.

Before you find someone that is ten times more compatible than I will ever be for you.


My faith is dwindling.

My spirit falls.

I'll love you eternally.

Through time, life and death

Forever you will always be protected by my angels.

You have my heart in your fingers.

Whether you know it or not.

End Chorus

I can't help but compare myself to almost everyone else.

I try not to.

I hide it well sometimes.

Probably more with you than others.

But if you actually saw me in person.

You would see the true sadness in my eyes.

The tears that flow.

Whether I want them too or not.


You're tugging at my heart

Tugging at my soul.

In order to keep that control.

That you have over me so well.

I wish I could say no.

But even that won’t do.

Because you have me heartbroken baby.

My heart is split in two.

When it comes to you.

End Chorus

I'm a broken fighter baby.

I'm a true martyr.

I will sacrifice my life and happiness for the person I love most in the world.

To see them happy. To protect them, to make them happy.

It is my destiny.

I refuse to be a burden on them.

I'd rather leave than do that to them.


You're tugging at my heart

Tugging at my soul.

In order to keep that control.

That you have over me so well.

I wish I could say no.

But even that won’t do.

Because you have me heartbroken baby.

My heart is split in two.

When it comes to you.

I can't see anyone else.

The moment you say hi.

It's like time stops and all I see is you.

I can't even think of paying attention to someone else.

I'm stuck on you.

You're my center.

The person I want to make proud of most.

The person I want to love with my all.

The person I want to protect with my all.

End Chorus

When you talk to me.

No one else matters.

We can make up and break up so many times,

But each time we get together it's like we're meant to be.

Nothing changes between us.

The connection is always there.

Stronger than ever.

It feels like an unwritten rule that whenever I talk with you I'm with you and no one else.

I don't know how it got that way.

But it's written deep in my soul.

My attention goes straight to you.

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10/2/2010 6:51 Pacific Time

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