Axe-d

 

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    This afternoon, after an exhausting work day and an arduous journey home, I looked forward to my evening shower. The key felt heavy in my hand as I turned the deadbolt and opened my front door. Lila, my dog, met me in anticipation for her evening walk. I felt it was necessary to walk her before I took my long awaited shower so that way I could spend more time with my beloved loofa. I turned to grab her leash from the closet by the door but it was laying on the floor. I've never in my life dropped this leash and its hanger is secured to the wall with 3 screws so it could never have failed. Suspicious I decided it was necessary to take a walk around my home. Her crate and the couch she usually laid on was undisturbed. The carpet was clean with the usual path-marks through it from her and the cat pacing the floors. The kitchen was a mess from the night before. I had fallen asleep right after eating so I had no time to really get a chance to clean it like I usually do. The bedroom light was on and the bed was ruffled from the uneasy nights rest I had gotten last night. Nothing seemed to be missing or wrong so I took Lila for her walk as usual.

    The stairs down to the first floor were as taxing as the climb up them this evening. My legs, like jell-o, wobbled underneath me and it made me question my footing on the stairs. Luckily the "designated pet area" is about fifteen steps from my door. After about fifteen minutes of my dog doing dog things we were headed back up the twelve steps from hell to my apartment door. Lila immediately ran inside and continued chewing on whatever bone or toy she was working on before I cam home and I was finally allowed to take my long awaited shower.

    I grabbed my "home clothes" from the drawer which consisted of a pair of flannel pants and a Sandlot novelty t-shirt. My clean towel hung in my closet and I swore that when I opened the door an angelic choir rang out and heavenly lights lit up my towel. I grabbed the plush, wonderful soft towel and headed to the bathroom with a skip in my step. My usual shower regiment began with me setting up my phone to play some nice Spotify station and I would let the water get to the perfect temperature. I would sit on the toilet with the seat down and ponder the mysteries of the universe before jumping in the shower. Todays thought was why would a family of witches have a cat named Salem? Wouldn't that be like a Jewish family having a cat named Auschwitz? Honestly, it's quite deplorable. Anyways, The water was perfect so its time to hop in. I let the hot water soak in a bit before I reached for my beard shampoo and hair shampoo. I lathered up and with my eyes closed I reached down for my body wash. It was gone...

    Maybe I had just kicked it over when I hopped in, so I rinsed the soap from my eyes and looked around the floor of the shower. Nothing. I pulled the shower curtain aside and looked on the floor. Nothing. Now I was beginning to panic. How could I enjoy a shower without the wonderful scent of my body wash. There was no way. I turned off the water and sat on the corner of my tub. There had to be a logical explanation for this. Maybe my wife took it with her to work this morning so she could get me more on her way home. I was running at about a quarter of a bottle. That can't be it, she knows that I shower when I get home and I cant deter from my normal regiment without it ruining my evening. Plus she should be home from work by now, but she isn't. I turned off my music and dialed her number. "Jen, did you take my body wash?" I asked as calmly as possible. "No honey, I wouldn't move your body wash without telling you first." she said drolly. ~She's in on it~ I thought to myself. She must be part of the conspiracy. "I need to make a board of possible suspects!" I yelled out to nobody. I wrapped myself in a towel and headed into the bedroom. I found some red string and a bunch of thumbtacks. Next thing I needed was tape and some pictures.

    I headed out into the living room to find Lila standing by the door. Foam dripping from her lips. How could she have gone rabid so fast? I thought to myself. She let out a bark and chased after me. I jumped to it and ran into the living room. The dog right on my heels the entire time, I panicked and fell onto my back. She jumped up onto my chest and stood in my face. The foam dripping onto my neck and chest. Suddenly I smelled it. The sweet smell of my body wash. I looked up at her, then to my left. On the floor next to me was my bottle of body wash chewed into pieces. "Damn it all Lila, now I need a new bottle!"

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