A store, morning. JILLIAN sits on a barstool while TANNER dries a mug behind the counter. Also visible, two tanning beds and a worktable with several fine craftsman’s tools. A door leads into the back room.

JILLIAN

I still don’t know how you expect to keep this place open.

TANNER

What do you mean?

JILLIAN

Well. There’s no customers for one.

TANNER

They’ll come. We’ve only just opened.

JILLIAN

Are you sure this was a good idea?

TANNER

Yeah, of course.

JILLIAN

And you’ve really run the numbers?

TANNER

Uh, duh. This is what I went to school for. It’ll be fine.

JILLIAN

I just worry that you’re putting a lot of… hope into this shop, and I’m just not sure…

TANNER

Jillian, relax. This place is my magnum opus. I’ve waited all my life to own a business, and now I do!

JILLIAN

But are you sure this shop was the best choice?

TANNER

I need to learn to support myself, Jillian.

JILLIAN

And this shop is the best way to do that?

TANNER

Jillian, I don’t know why you’re so stuck on this. Can you just enjoy my grand opening with me?

JILLIAN

Are you serious?

TANNER

Yes, Jillian. I’m serious. What’s wrong with my business model?

JILLIAN

Nothing’s wrong, per se.

TANNER

What then? You think I can’t run a store?

JILLIAN

Damn, you’re really gonna make me say it.

TANNER

Get to the point, Jillian. I can take it.

JILLIAN

I just don’t think there’s a market for a combination Darque Tan, Cavenders, Starbucks.

TANNER

Oh. Wow.

JILLIAN

I’m sorry, Tanner.

TANNER

So, you think Tanner’s Tanning, Tanning, and Coffee Shop is doomed?

JILLIAN

I mean…

TANNER

And you’re just telling me now? Jillian, you’ve been in the know from the beginning!

JILLIAN

I thought you were joking!

TANNER

Why would anyone joke about opening a Tanning, Tanning, and Coffee Shop?

JILLIAN

You’re goofing, right?

TANNER

Jillian!

JILLIAN

Tanner, I’m sorry! It seemed like an elaborate joke! Say the name of this establishment and tell me again it doesn’t sound like a joke.

TANNER

Tanner’s Tanning, Tanning, and Coffee Shop. Fuck. Fuck, Jillian! I sank all my assets into this place!

JILLIAN

Yeah, I know. That wasn’t a super great idea.

TANNER

Then why’d you let me do it?

JILLIAN

I thought it was part of the bit! You came over and said you’d sold your house and I thought you were kidding.

TANNER

Jillian, you should know I rarely kid.

JILLIAN

I was a fool to forget.

TANNER

Well. Now what?

JILLIAN

I don’t know, man. You’re the one who went to business school.

TANNER

For two years, Jillian! I didn’t graduate.

JILLIAN

Look we just need to relax. Think this through.

TANNER

I should not have done this. This was a bad idea. I’m gonna lock myself in a tanning bed.

JILLIAN

That is a bad idea. Just. Chill. Lucky for you, I finished college.

TANNER

Jillian, your major was Gender and Women’s Studies.

JILLIAN

But I’m very clever. We will get you some customers!

TANNER

God almighty, Jillian, whatever you did worked! Someone’s walking up to the door right now!

JILLIAN

You greet them, I’ll get to work on some advertising. What do you have in the way of butcher paper?

TANNER

This is one third tannery, Jillian.

JILLIAN

Right, I’ll check the back.

TANNER

Hi, welcome to Tanner’s Tanning, Tanning, and Coffee Shop. I’m Tanner. How can I assist you?

ROSA

So, you’re the owner of this establishment?

TANNER

Yes. I’m Tanner.

ROSA

Interesting.

TANNER

Uh. Can I get you a latte? Or a leather wallet? Or…

ROSA

This place is a little understaffed, isn’t it?

TANNER

Um. Well. I’m fully qualified to run a business. My plan was—

ROSA

You have a license for those tanning beds, I presume?

TANNER

Um. Yeah. Around here somewhere. Excuse me, but who are you?

ROSA

My name is not a matter of public record.

TANNER

Um.

ROSA

I’m with the, uh, CDC.

TANNER

Oh god. Is there an outbreak or something?

ROSA

No, uh. You misheard me. I’m from the Better Business Bureau. This is an… inspection.

TANNER

Inspection?

ROSA

Yes! That is the word that I said!

TANNER

But I just opened today! Like, half an hour ago!

ROSA

That’s business, baby. And you need a better one. And that’s why I’m here.

TANNER

Did you hear something bad about my store?

ROSA

As a matter of fact, yes. I did. Thank you for reminding me. We got reports you were… embezzling.

TANNER

Embezzling? I’m sorry ma’am, but that’s baloney.

ROSA

Could be. But we at the Better Baloney Bureau need to investigate these things.

TANNER

Business.

ROSA

What?

TANNER

You said baloney. It’s the Better Business Bureau.

ROSA

Uh, that was a test! I know where I work.

TANNER

This is the worst. Why did I think I could run a business?

ROSA

Some people just aren’t cut out for it, sir. This is probably for the best really.

JILLIAN

I whipped up some posters. I’m gonna start putting them up around town.

TANNER

Jillian, it’s over. We’re finished.

JILLIAN

Okay, first of all, you’re finished. I take no credit for this crazy venture. Second, these posters aren’t bad at all, and frankly, I’m a little offended that you are reacting so violently towards them.

TANNER

She’s from the Better Business Bureau, Jillian! I’ve been embezzling!

JILLIAN

I’m not sure it’s possible to embezzle from no funds. You haven’t sold anything yet.

TANNER

I haven’t! I haven’t sold anything yet because I opened today, and I have had zero customers! Take that, Better Business Bureau!

ROSA

Well. Uh. I should still look around.

JILLIAN

Just a second. Who exactly are you?

ROSA

Name redacted. From the Better Business Bureau.

JILLIAN

Yeah, okay. Can I see some credentials, Ms. Redacted?

ROSA

No.

TANNER

Jillian, what are you doing? She’ll shut me down!

JILLIAN

Just chill okay. I minored in pre-law.

TANNER

I forgot about that.

JILLIAN

Now, credentials? Badge, license, warrant, anything.

ROSA

Now look here.

ROSA attempts to make a run for it, bolting for the front door, but JILLIAN catches her around the waist and sits her on the barstool.

JILLIAN

Oh, no you don’t. What’s going on? Who are you actually?

TANNER

Jillian, are you sure…

JILLIAN

Just let me do this, Tanner! Do you want to save this stupid store or not?

TANNER

I so do. I don’t have anything else.

JILLIAN

Right. So?

ROSA

I’m not from the Better Business Bureau.           

JILLIAN

Wow, really? Yeah, I knew that. Now tell me what’s actually going on here.

ROSA

Can I call my lawyer?

TANNER

Oh no! I’ve seen this on Law and Order. Now we can’t talk to her until her lawyer gets here.

JILLIAN

This isn’t a legal proceeding, Tanner. I just want to know—

TANNER

Oh no! This is an illegal proceeding! Now I really will get shut down. You’re a loose cannon, Jillian. You’re no good.

JILLIAN

Tanner, shut up. Now you. Tell me what’s going on?

ROSA

I was jealous. I was jealous and scared, okay! I saw competition, and I got scared.

JILLIAN

Girl. You realize he hasn’t sold anything, right? There is absolutely no demand for combination tanning salons, leathersmiths, and coffee shops.

ROSA

That’s what I thought too! At first, it seemed like no one would ever patronize a combination butcher, comedy hall, and coffee shop, but now my business is booming!

JILLIAN

I find that extremely hard to believe, but please continue.

ROSA

Rosa’s Roasts, Roasts, and Roasts was more popular than ever. It was a dream come true. But then I saw another niche combo store move in right next door, and I just knew I had to do something to save my little business. It’s all I have!

JILLIAN

You two have so much in common.

TANNER

This shop is all I have too. I sold my house to pay the contractor.

ROSA

Just this month, I had enough saved up to make a down payment on a real nice apartment downtown. I’m moving out of the storeroom!

JILLIAN

This is so sad. This is the saddest thing.

TANNER

Why would you want to rob me of that experience? We small business owners should support each other.

ROSA

Like I said, I got scared. I panicked and I came over here thinking I could sabotage you somehow. And I almost got away with it.

JILLIAN

Jeepers Creepers, and cry me a river, Mr. Carswell.

ROSA

I’m really sorry. You sell coffee too. That could really tank my margins and I acted without thinking.

JILLIAN

And you couldn’t just downsize to a plain old coffee shop?

ROSA

Oh, certainly not. The comedy business is huge right now. People are real hot for roasts. I can’t miss out on that sweet commission.

TANNER

Uncuff her, Jillian.

JILLIAN

She’s not cuffed. This isn’t a police station.

TANNER

I was moved by your story, Rosa. I see a lot of myself in you, and I’m gonna make you an offer.

ROSA

I see a lot of myself in you, and I feel inclined to make a deal.

JILLIAN

Where is this going, Mr. Wonderful?

TANNER

Let’s tear down this wall.

ROSA

I’m listening.

TANNER

Let’s combine. Go into business together. Independent owners of our niche markets and equal partners in our new shared coffee shop.

JILLIAN

Jesus. You won’t last a week.

ROSA

Clearly you have never sold specialty coffee then, my dear.

TANNER

She’s right, Jillian. People will pay anything for that good, good bean water.

ROSA

Tanner, you have yourself a deal.

TANNER

Oh, I’m so glad! Let’s start right away. When I moved out of my house and into the unfinished back room of this store, I had to bring all my belongings with me.

JILLIAN

I don’t like where this is going.

TANNER

I sold most of my stuff—furniture, clothing, treasured childhood keepsakes. But I did keep…

JILLIAN

Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say.

TANNER

My sledgehammer!

JILLIAN

I can’t be party to this. Good luck you guys. Keep the posters.

ROSA

Our partnership begins immediately! Tanner, you’re a genius.

TANNER

I did go to school for business.

END OF PLAY.