Here I am again: writing another story. Maybe I’ll finish this one or maybe it’ll end up ignored and forgotten just like the others I’ve written. But I’m sure this will be one of the most sincere story that I’ll ever be writing. My own feelings? Yes. My own experiences? Maybe. Some. Along the way, I guess I’ll be altering the moments that hurt me or would hurt others. But there’s no saying if my dog just died or my crush spoke to me as I write this story. If I have the worst case of chickenpox, maybe I’ll want to hurt you too and write something so painful. But who knows, right?

The reason why I opened my laptop and started writing these words is because most of my inner circle of friends are on their way to being responsible individuals and I just finished what I limited as my responsibilities are.

Nothing. That’s what I’m doing right now, aside from breathing and all those other involuntary activities my body is doing. They’re strange, these moments when you’re practically enclosed in one room alone. It makes you think of things in a more serious and unusual way. We come across people when walking alone and suddenly we see something we’ve never noticed from that person before and we wonder. And wonder. And wonder. And next thing you know you’re in China or maybe even Mars.

Do you cry alone? Or laugh at something? Laugh at yourself? Release any extreme emotion at all? Well, I do. It’s weird though, crying alone in the car or face palming yourself out of the blue. And whatever you do there are moments that you just can’t tell anyone else and only you can comfort yourself. Okay, okay… I’ll try to be less sentimental as possible. But I wasn’t really the sentimental type or maybe I’m just keeping it to myself and just gonna make you suffer by reading it here. Now I’m really doubting my intention of writing this. Writing is still writing, maybe I’m not writing like I am “supposed” to but I’m writing because I have the will to and all the intention in the world to. Oh, and expect to read about some of my fantasies. This would be a bit embarrassing.

I hate this. I hate that I have to carry all these things. Why do others get to carry a shoulder bag when I carry my backpack that weighs probably half or more as me And it doesn’t matter. When I return home I’ll be carrying more load from favors and such. It’s not that I don’t want to. Actually, it’s because I want to. Sometimes it really doesn’t matter if I tire myself out. I actually think that I do these favors even in my weakest moments because I have every intention to do so. ‘What I intend to, I do. Even if it means I have to give up ice cream.’ You know how people have their own life motto? I think I’ll stick with this one first. But sometimes it hurts me. Sometimes I’m reminded that I’m alone. When I’m there for someone, I wonder who’s there for me as much as I am there for him/her. But it doesn’t matter again, does it? They say that you shouldn’t be asking something in return. And that’s when I recall everything good that happened to me and I’d just let it past. I still have great friends and a joyful family. And I’m thankful for what I am now. But you can’t help wanting something. After all, nobody’s perfect and I’m no exception.

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“You’re delusional.”

“No, I’m not.”

“It’s probably a dare or an experiment or something, Andy. Don’t trust what he says so easily.”

“He looked very serious.”

“He looked very serious? See, even you’re not sure if he really is.”

“And you’re too suspecting. It won’t hurt to give a little trust.”

“Trust is precious in any amount.”

“When are you going to have trust on a guy, man-hater?”

“I do not hate them. I’m in good terms with them.”

“Yeah, right. I guess pushing the male population away from you means you’re in good terms with them.”

“I don’t have the time to argue with you about boys and I need to go out to buy our dinner. So, excuse me.”

Well, I’m not a man-hater. It’s just been a little harder for me to trust what they say or do after all the things they’ve done. Although, it was funny or laughable it’s still mean, rude and cruel for at least one person. It all started when I was in middle school somewhere in Ohio before I moved here. News went out in school that Tyler really had no affection for Selena who were both dating for two months already. Selena was one of my few friends there. People were already judging Selena because she had a lot of boyfriends in such a short period of time but experimenting with her feelings was crossing over the line. Apparently, a group of boys were testing how any guy could actually end up dating with her with only a few act of affection and flirting. But isn’t that how it really works? I don’t really believe that without doing anything, you’ll end up dating this guy just because he’s like the ideal man on your mind or something. And Selena may have had a lot of boyfriends but she loved them all sincerely even if they end up breaking up with her, I know deep inside that Selena still wants to be friends but couldn’t be because of her pride. And then there are those “Hey, did you know that I actually like you.” And then when someone asks that guy if he does. “What? I didn’t say anything. I was just joking.” Which is, by the way, stupid. He just said he didn’t say anything but later claimed that he was joking which tells us that he did say something.

Okay. Maybe I hate them a bit.

“Two chicken meals please, one pineapple juice and one coke.”

“Any other orders?”

“None.”

“Umm... miss? Hello? Here’s your order.”

“Oh. Thanks.”

But who could hate them, really? In this world, they are loved and sought after. I’m just pointing the facts. You can’t really hate them generally because there will always be that one guy who makes you stunned for a moment or trip over a wire, or in worst cases, gives you an embarrassing moment that you’ll remember for the rest of your life. Or maybe just distract you from buying your dinner in a fast food chain. But you still won’t hate him.

“What’s up with you and your pineapple juice? Can’t you even give up one day of your life and drink soda once in a while? It’s much cheaper, you know.”

“You know how I feel about things concerning my health. Just eat up. The food’s going to smell in here.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever." My mom died because of an illness and that’s why I’m pretty paranoid over my health. Don’t ask me what disease my mom died of because I never got to know. My father left me in an orphanage right after my mom died when I was only four. He was decent enough to visit me every once in a while until I was adopted so I don’t really have that much hate for him. Just enough hate to not miss him all these years.

“Max called. He says that you’ll be switching somebody’s shift tomorrow morning. No bargains.” Andy says as she passes the straw to me.

“But I have a practical test tomorrow. What time did he say?”

“8:30.”

“Good. I’ll make it there on time.”

“Good luck. You know what happened to Mark when he got late in his shift.”

I don’t think I’ll forget. “Okay, okay but I can’t make an alibi that long. Be quick, okay?”

“Of course. Thanks.” Andy, you are my savior!

---

Aw. “You’re late! You’re late for your test! Wake up! You still have a shift after! Let’s go!”

“Shit! You should have slapped my face earlier!”

“Well, sorry for not being rude. Jonah’s here already to pick us up. Hurry up. I’ll wait for you downstairs.”

---

“Professor, can I go first?”

“Go after Alfred, he’s about to start. And next time… don’t be late.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you.”

Running was easy for me since it’s practically how I lived my life for the past years. My foster parents eventually got impatient and planned to send me away to another country so I ran away and grew up stealing and that sort of stuff. I got friends on the way and I’m thankful for them, for somehow leading my messed up life to this one though I still can’t say I’m living normally. There’s really nothing ordinary with me.

“Wow. As expected Mr. Wisp runs like a boy.”

“Shut up, Rose.”

“It’s Rosy.”

“Whatever, slut.” I don’t know what’s wrong with her and myself but she pushes me with all her body and it actually knocked me off. And just like that, I was unconscious.

“You’re in big trouble.”

“What happened? What time is it?”

“Ten o’clock. I told Max. He’s in rage. He’s sending a Guard.”

“What! Why? It was even just an exchange of shift. I’m not liable for anything. I’m gonna kill the person who originally got that shift. He’s so dead.”

“He is dead.” For the first time, my heart drops in fear.

“The Center was almost ambushed. Thankfully, the next shift got in early. You owe him.”

“Great.”

“How did you get unconscious so easily? I heard some girl just pushed you with her body.”

“I don’t know either… Rose! She’s so dead!”

“Can you please stop planning murders for a second and take care of yourself. Since you missed the shift, they assigned you for an overnight group, tonight.”

“Well, that makes me feel better.”

“Just sleep. I’ll wake you early this time.”   

“She’s mental. Fred was the last guy who approached her for something not work-related. He still cries every night. She won’t even acknowledge his presence, heard she wasn’t able to attend her shift because she was taking her practical test in Track and Field. She’s one hell of a runner, fastest one I know.”

“You like her, don’t you? And you’re so afraid you’re peeing your pants.”

“I don’t like her. That’s suicide, dude. But I think I do need to pee now…”

“I just hope she’s polite enough to say thank you after putting my life in jeopardy to fight on her shift.”

“I doubt so. Oh, she’s here.”

“Yes, I am. And I heard everything you said.”

Well, I guess they hate me as much as I hate them. But I’m not that rude.

“Thank you.” I hate owing people but this guy was kind enough to take my shift and saved my ass so I’m grateful.

The other guy who called me ‘mental’ looks at me as if he sees a ghost.

“You’re welcome. I guess George’s really not that accurate in describing people. I’m apologizing for his sake.” He was tall, well-groomed hair and smelled fine.

“No need. I’m used to it.”

“Um, George really didn’t get to say your name and I’d like to hear it from you.”

His name probably starts with B, an only child and he’s probably had more than four girlfriends.

“Wisp. Asking what I can do would be rude in my side so please don’t ask any more personal questions.”

“I’m Caine. I think my brother mentioned you from one class he attends. But you look too young to be in the same class as him.”

I was wrong. I’m rarely wrong. Light blue eyes, tan skin, broad shoulders, brown hair, how could I have missed it?

“Your brother’s Ed?”

Please say no.

“Yeah! I guess you do know him. He always told me that he wished you would notice him sometimes.”

“He does?”

“Nope but he did mention you and some pink-haired girl or sometimes green-haired.” He laughs and at that moment I stared hating him even more than the others. He’s a living proof of all my judgments of his kind. But I’m not going to let him win that easily.

“Good. I thought I’d have to act kind and would need to notice him every day, what a burden.”

“Hard boiled, isn’t she?” I hear the guy called George say as I walk away.

---

“What were you thinking!?”

“I am sincerely sorry Miss Ras but I have to say it’s not entirely my fault.”

“I acknowledge that we have a fault here and because of that you are loaded with a much more serene punishment. Be thankful.”

“And what’s this serene punishment?”

“An additional shift.”

“You call that a serene punishment?! But Miss Ras—“

“Don’t worry. You’ll be with a newbie, you can boss him around if you like. You see, Ravens, this is what we consider serene for what you have done.”

Two knocks in the door and I knew it would probably be the George guy.

“Come in.”

“He’s a newbie!?”

It was Caine. And he looked mockingly pleased as he smiles at me charmingly.

“A bit shocking to all of us, really. Managed to counter an ambush that occurs during your supposedly post. I believe you owe him at least assistance in his first shifts.”

“It wouldn’t be sincere.”

“I don’t expect anything from you but to pay for your absence.”

There were a lot of punishments I was expecting to receive: eighty laps of one hundred-meter run, 200 push-ups… anything plus a whole year of paperwork. It was cruel of them to give me extra shifts and even though this lessens the load, it somehow insults and burdens me, having to share shifts with a newbie and worse: Ed’s brother. There was a lot going on in my head that I didn’t notice Ms. Ras leave the room.

“You must be dying to laugh out loud, aren’t you?” I said to him.

“And you must be dying to not see my face, aren’t you?” He smiles and I knew this was an opportunity given to me by the gracious luck giver.

“Not really. I think I’ve been fond of it now.” I smile. Oh, you don’t know ohw much I’ll torture you.

“What a lie. You don’t fool me. I may be a newbie but I’m not stupid.”

“Oh, I wish you really weren’t.”

And all my luck was taken back from me the moment Victoria entered the room.

“Hey Wisp. How are you? Must be bad—the punishment they’ve given you.”

“I’m fine, Vic. What’s inside those chests---?” I trail off as I see Reeds’ name on the side of the chest. Victoria smiled sadly as she noticed my change of expression upon seeing Reeds’ name. It has been almost two months but no one has forgotten.

“They’re pretty heavy. Can you help me carry these chests they found to Sector 987?”

“Sure!” Maybe what Andy always told me was right. I’m too helpful. I was cursed not to refuse to help someone. But I didn’t need this curse right now. Not in front of Caine, who looked at me entirely different before Victoria entered the room. And as Victoria left the room first, he looked at me as if I was pitiful. But I don’t feel anything that makes me pitiful.

“Is she a higher authority?”

“No, she’s just a friend. Don’t you help your friends?” I laugh nervously.

“I don’t have any.” I don’t believe him but I was sure he wasn’t lying.

“Well… good for you.”

“How’s that good?”

I didn’t need to answer him. I didn’t need to complain about the unfairness of my life. I was tailing after Victoria when she started talking nonsense.

“You know, I won’t make friends with that newbie if I were you.”

“Why not?”

“I think you know well who his brother is.”

“Yeah, Ed. What about him?”

“Well, you know how every single girl in this institution knows the lot about him and one thing they never knew was that he has a brother. They only found out when the newbie applied here. Nobody’s ever seen him with Ed either.”

“They’re not in good terms, so what?”

“No. He’s not in good terms with Ed and that means everything. He’s probably adopted. A raw recruit.”

“Oh please. He managed to counter the ambush in my shift and you’re telling me he’s a rawrec? I must be an ordinary girl then.”

“Sometimes you disgust me with your arrogance, Wisp. You’ve made it embarrassing to be with you.”

~

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough!? You disgrace me, Caine.”

“Ed, I know I told you that I would only like to experience, that I was curious. But I’m going to continue. It’s my duty.”

“It’s not yet your duty. You just started as a rawrec. What are you doing? You never even wanted any responsibility, no less a duty.”

“I know what I want, Ed.”

“Being one of us is not an easy task, especially for a rawrec.”

“I acknowledge that fact. But I’m not the first rawrec. If others survived, so would I. I think you know that I have a big chance of being more than a rawrec.”

Ed sighs and sits down on the nearest chair. The moment he did, I knew there was something serious.

“Sit down.”

“I’m talking to you this way.”

“Someone was killed outside the Lines. A rawrec.”

“Outside the Lines? How could that be possible?”

“Ms. Ras arranged a team to investigate on the matter, and that includes me. This is a dangerous time for rawrecs.”

“Have you found anything about it?”

“Yes, but it’s strictly confidential.”

“It may have just been a coincidence—that he’s a rawrec.”

“The guy whose shift was before you but wasn’t there was a rawrec. He called off earlier but later, we received news that he died in his room.”

“Then I’m going to continue. Why would I stop when I don’t have any reason to?”

“Frank died three days ago!”

“F—Frank? And you never told me! Was it also strictly confidential? He was my only friend!”

“And you’re my brother! I don’t want you dying, Caine.”

~

“Holy pumpkin, I’m so happy you returned home early!”

“Yeah but I’ll be leaving early too.”

“Overnight shift? What’s the additional punishment?”

“More shifts alongside a pain-in-the-head newbie.”

“Is it Caine?”

“H-How did you know?”

“Do you even know what he’s capable of? For a rawrec, he doesn’t seem so bad at all. I heard he was the one who guarded on your shift.”

“A rawrec? But Ed’s not of impure heredity. I thought they were brothers.”

“Brothers by mother.”

“But Caine’s younger, it doesn’t make any sense.”

“Think about a situation that could lead to the possibility that Caine can only be related to Ed by his mother’s blood. However unlikely, what you thought of would be quite possible.”

“Okay, you’re talking the alien language.”

“I quoted. From a person who quoted the same words when I asked the same question.”

“Interesting.”

“Yeah, snap out of it. I know that tone. Caine’s interesting story is not to be meddled with.”

“Says who?”

“Says his overly skilled half-brother. Oh! And also, the same person you have been having a huge crush on for as long as I can remember.”

“Objection. That was when I did not possess even a slight sense of maturity. And I am truly embarrassed in myself.”

“Oh, shut up. I’m not gonna argue anymore. Just eat.”

“Thank you.”

~

“Hi.”

“I should inform you that in official work hours like shifts, you are to address me in a more formal manner.”

“Well, then I sincerely apologize.”
He smiles and bows in an unnecessarily elegant way. I roll my eyes in his mocking actions.

“How come you are assigned to an overnight shift? It is an entirely ridiculous decision to assign a rawrec to an overnight shift.”

His face turned cold at the word rawrec.

“How long have you known?”

I know I went too harsh but I wasn’t about to surrender in his pitiful condition.

“You have no business on how I let information enter my system.”

He wasn’t gonna say anything back and for one hour we stood at the gates, restless and in total muteness. Overnight shifts were the worst. And most dangerous. Andy said that he ‘doesn’t seem bad at all’ for a rawrec but it doesn’t count as a reason on how he got assigned for an overnight shift. Even though we haven’t been hearing about ambush or attacks during the overnight shift for more than a month now, no one would mark this shift as safe after what happened to Reeds.

“You look worried.” Caine stood up to read the radioactive levels, which he is supposed to do every hour. I do not respond to his statement but I knew he would ask more.

“Is it because I’m a newbie rawrec and even with your remarkable skills, being with a newbie or a rawrec, in this case you got both, you are afraid that you wouldn’t survive an ambush on an overnight shift?”

I snicker at his humor but appreciated his try on generating a conversational environment.

“There are three things I’m worried about right now…” I was going to play along.

“The first one you have succeeded to guess.”

He laughs and looked at me, signaling he was ready to listen for the other two things I would mention. I stare straight down at the ground.

“Second, that a newbie rawrec might lead himself into big trouble…” Or death, just like Reeds. “… and lead me into big trouble, too.”

“Third, that my roommate might forget to turn on the thermostat and I’d later enter our mini Alaska apartment.”

He laughs. “I didn’t know you were funny.”

“I’m not.”

“Sure you are. Even Ed tells me that.”

I’m surprised on how many things Ed has told Caine about me. Okay, I admit it. I’m flustered.

“I’m not sure I have interacted with him that much for him to arrive to such an absurd conclusion.”

“What I said earlier that he would wish you to notice him sometimes…”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m not. I like you.” I was waiting for him to smile or laugh but it was quite the opposite. From laughing, his face flushed.

“What? What does that have to do with anything you said earlier about Ed?”

“I know you moved near our apartment ten years ago because of him.”

“I did not.” My first lie.

“Of course you wouldn’t admit it. You must have seen me before back then.”

“I’m sorry. I haven’t.” My second lie. I did see him before but only now did I remember it again. And I swear to Nutella that it would’ve been better if I hadn’t.

He laughs. “It’s funny.”

“What’s funny?”

“That I’m laughing right now. It’s funny because it reminded me how I loved making you laugh.”

It was painful. It was painful to remember such an unhappy memory.

“You’re not telling me-- Why did you never show me your face back then? I thought you said your face burned but you look totally fine to me. I thought you were--”

“I’m not ready to talk about that yet.”

“Okay.”

“I missed you a lot, Wisp.”

“I’m sorry if you misunderstood our situation but I never liked you that way.” My third lie.

“But hey, we can start over as good friends again, right?” I offer him a handshake. But I really wanted to hug him and tell him how much I missed him.

We stood there for a long time and it was haunting me, the space between us.

 ~

“Andy, wake up!”

“What’s this all about now?” Andy rubbed her eyes from sleeping.

“Caine is the guy I met eight years ago.”

“What guy?”

“Oh, I forgot. You hated flashbacks and so I never got to talk about him.”

“Him?”

“Never mind.”

I still couldn’t believe it was Caine. But no one else knew about the guy I met ten years ago. Not even Andy. Or Ed.