The Swimming Pool Salesman
‘You wanna know what I think of the Hydra-Klean 2000? It’s a piece of shit, that’s what I think. You can Hydra-Klean my butt and it’ll still stink. But what would I know? I’ve only built thirty-three hundred swimming pools in the Tri-State area over thirty-five years. And paid taxes through my ass all that time. Thirty-five years I’ve been creating jobs for real Americans. Yeah it’s my company, my choice but damned if I’m going to pay some lazy Mexican pot-head to dig a hole in the ground. If we all did that then where would the country be? Ma’am I love this country and if you want to call me a patriot then I’ll wear that badge proudly, so shoot me.
Now hear me out, if you want a real pool cleaning system you can’t go past the Ezy-Suk Suction-Plus. It’s got the twin-head dual-suction system with remote-controlled delta-mobilization, all on Tru-Glide wheels. NASA developed it for one of the Apollo missions. Sure, it’s a few dollars more. Hey, it’s not perfect but nothing is these days. What? Yeah but those claims weren’t proven in court. And anyway those Commy-lawyers wouldn’t know a pool cleaning system if it sucked them down a plughole. Take my word for it, and believe me you can, this is the real deal.
You what? You think I’m shittin’ you? Hey, Bob listen to this. This one thinks she knows it all about pool filtration systems. Sure Honey, it’s real simple. Yep, sure Sweetheart, just pipes and pumps. Hey Bob, did you hear that. Bob! Bob? Anyway Darling, are you going to buy a pool or am I gonna have to buy you a drink? Hey, no offence, no really. No, that’s not necessary. My hair? Who are you to talk about my hair? Ok, your loss, see you in the next life.
Oh, hey Bob there you are. You getting coffee? Great, I could do with a pick-me-up after last night. Better make it a double. And one of those, you know those Cro-nuts. Don’t tell the wife. Yeah Jo-Anne’s got me on this Pa-Leo diet, thinks I need to lose a few pounds. Like she’s J-Lo or something. So with this Pa-Leo bullshit you eat anything you like for five days of the week and then just meat on the other two days. It’s not too bad but I sure do get some cravings. Still, it’s better than my second wife Pam, she was feeding me, like salad and lettuce and shit. Well fuck me if that wasn’t a tortuous way to treat a man. God bless her and may she rest in peace but really, lettuce? I was wasting away. So anyway, better get two of them Cro-nuts: lunch isn’t for a couple of hours and if yesterday’s buffet is anything to go by I’m going to need some buffer in the tank. Man, these conference venues aren’t what they used to be. You remember that all-day buffet in Minnesota last year. They had to haul my ass home in a pick-up after that one and….
Good morning sir, and how can I help you? Well of course, we can help you with that. Are you thinking outdoor, indoor, in-between? Frankly, sir we could put a pool on the moon if that’s what you want. We like to say that a swimming pool is an extension of your personality. What kind of personality are you? In-ground? No problem. Salt water, freshwater, or chlorinated? Sure, that’s a great choice. Filtration, very important. Personally I’m an Ezy-Suk kind of guy but it comes down to personal preference and whether you want a Cadillac or a, pardon me? A Hydra-Klean 2000? Yes, well that’s a very reliable system.’