Not Applicable

 

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Act One - Not Applicable

NOT APPLICABLE: a short film screenplay in four parts.

Cast:

Vern Smith: Father of Ed. Owner of LGBTIS Metal Industries. Slow moving in his 70's. A man who doesn't know where his only suit is.

Ed Smith: Son of Vern. Victim of too many pies and Pizzas 52 years old, balding, and forever single

DeBorah: Ministers Personal Assistant. Officious vicious and vacuous. Wears ill fitting two piece Tweed suits that expose too much of a not much cleavage. Aspires to be accepted amongst the cities cultural elites but has fat fingers and a lazy brain.

The Minister: Flamboyant Arts and Culture focused. Loves a party not just a political one.

Part One.

Opening scene: A grey sky over Collingwood. A yellow clad pushbike riding postman sorts through the mail at the front gate of Leadsheeting, Galvanising, Brassfittings, Tin, Iron and Steel Metal Industries works yard. A weathered paint flaking sign above the fence takes the first letter of each and concludes  with " Est. 1965". The yard has a few trucks being loaded with metal products  by forklifts. The Postie leaves his bike under the sign and walks through the yard to the office. The Postman gives the mail to Ed with a cheery smile and leaves.

 

Vern: [handing Ed a cup of tea] Anything interesting?

Ed: [sorting through the mail] Just the usual..... bills... a couple more bills.......Junk mail.. [ A big white envelope draws his attention]

Vern goes back his desk opposite, puts on a pair of old glasses with some tape holding an arm on one side and proceeds to look at the form guide. A crackling radio is tuned to the 10 o'clock scratchings and form tips.

Radio: [A sing song voice on the radio announces] Track for Flemington is a heavy 6. The first of 8 races starts at 11:55 a total of 12 scratchings and the rail is out 5 from the 200 metre mark.......[fades to background]

Ed: Here's one. [pause] Have we ever won an award?

Vern: [not looking up] ...No.....Not that I know of.

Ed: We got an invitation to enter [Starts reading ] "Dear Director "...... That's you...LGBTIS Metal Industries ... Government Community and Business Awards.. geez there's a lot categories.. [ Continues Reading] Best Community Diversity Initiative, Best Worlds Practice in Inclusive Diversity Practice by an Outstanding Individual...

Vern: [still not engaging].. Uh.. huh.

Ed: Hey here's one. Right up our alley and they have included a paid return addressed envelope. That should make it easy to enter.

Vern: [Eyes fixed on the newspaper race guide] And I suppose you get a certificate?

Ed: No. This category wins.... [reading again]  a trip to the US. All expenses paid to San Francisco for two people and ... And this is the good bit......$10,000 for the business development.

Vern: [Looking up] Now that's better than the Daily double. I need a holiday.

Ed: Don't worry about that Dad. The moneys not too shabby either.

Ed: [Holding up a piece of paper] Looks like all we have to do is fill this form in. Pretty straight forward. They want names, addresses, company details, ABN, Tax details, and a short statement about diversity in our workplace. May as well fill it in now.

Vern: [Going back to the formguide] You do that.

Ed: [After a while painfully thinking, screwing up his face, scratching his head and writing in a big cursive script style - show form in shot] There's a column for our middle names. We don't have any. It say it's mandatory what do you reckon?

Vern: [ Not looking up ] Just put in NA. You know as in "Not Applicable".

Ed: That works for me.

Final scene is a shot of the form with the large handwriting of Ed's showing the names Vern and Ed merging with the NA so it appears as Edna and Verna Smith. Slowly overlay the data entry form which transcribes the Vern and Ed into Verna and Edna.

 

 

 

 

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Act Two - The selection

Scene: A large open plan city office. Lots of people working heads down in shared pods and at one end a number of glass enclosed meeting rooms.

In one of the meeting rooms is a group of people around a table that has piles of paper on it. As they talk they reference a whiteboard with a matrix of scoring on it. The group is led by Graham, an experienced government bureaucrat with Einstein hair and a blue bow tie and includes Brian a thin dry witted public servant and a couple of notetakers

Graham: [Standing holding a whiteboard marker] That's great only two more to go and we have nailed the awards selection. The next one is...

Brian: [Reading] Outstanding LGBTI Diversity Best Practice in Business and Industry......Who makes up these titles?

Graham: The Minister does and he takes advice from his executive assistant ....and really I want to get a move on. She's indicated that she will join us at some point. I'd like that to be the end point!

Brian: [Flicking through his papers] Shouldn't be too hard we only got 2 applications for this category, "Pink Plumbing: we come to you" - plumbers obviously.... and...... [Pauses looking at the papers] " LGBTIS Metal Industries". They are a foundry of some sort....... in Collingwood. Been around a long time and run by too older women Edna and Norma Smith.

Graham: Okay lets knock this over before she gets here....

A loud noise distracts them. Three people exit the lift. The lead person is a mousey brown haired woman in her mid 50's striding purposely with a fat folder under her arm.

Graham: Too late. Her she comes.

 

 

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Act Three - Parking the Car

Scene: The night is dark. Light drizzle makes the city lights and traffic lights blur and bleed colour on the windscreen. Vern and Ed are in a hurry. Ed is driving an old F100 with bits of metal sticking out the back. A red flag is tied to the end of the metal overhanging the tailgate.

Vern: Quick there's a park.... too late.

Ed: We wouldn't have fitted in anyway. I don't know why you wanted to drive in anyway

Vern: Didn't want to get my tuxedo wet and besides I thought you'd know the city inside out. You come in here every Saturday night with your mates. You must know the parking.

Ed: Mates!! What mates. Its me and Trevor McKnight. We pick up 2 large pizzas from Totos and a dozen dim sims from the Lygon St Fish Supply and drive to the Newport power station fish for a few hours, drink 4 beers then go back to his house to watch wrestling shows. I never park in the city.

Silence

Ed: We should have trained it.

Vern: Don't worry son. even if we are a bit late i'm sure they'll keep a couple of parmagianas and a bit of salad for us. These government "doos" always overcater.

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Act Four - Awards ceremony

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