[ a broken heart; a chaotic mind, and no tears to shed; no room left to cry. ]

What I don't understand, is how it has already been a year.

It's been a year since the crying nights and screams of silence. It's been a year since the quiet pleads for you that you will never hear. It's been a year since the repeating words that morphed into waves. And in as little as three weeks in that year, was numbness but no peace. There was a forceful end. A shovel and a whole lot of dirt. But there was too much to bury, that eventually, everything began to surface again.

It's been around three hundred and fifteen days since questioning things became second nature but the first thing on my mind. And just like every time, I tried to go back to the grave and bury as much as I could, as many times as I could, as often as my body would let me. But burying them felt like burying my heart. And it grew heavier and heavier by the second. And I drowned it all in questions and daydreams to block out the sound of a thumping, thrashing, and tearing heart so no one could hear. Eventually, even I could no longer hear it, and partly, that was because it no longer even sounded like a heart.

the dead and the questions became frustration. And it was so clear to see but yet so muffled to hear. They began to notice, but few cared. Frustration became a shield; a shield with a mouth. It'd say 'go away' and the heart would thrash into a beast but couldn't say a word for it was trapped and buried under the weight I tossed.

and that was only the beginning.

there was a boy, I thought he was nice, I said maybe when he suggested for a relationship that was non-existent. he thought it meant yes, and after two days, I drove him away and screamed at him to leave with a single request, 'can we just be friends?' and I never heard from him again. there was another boy, he also seemed kind, he was broken with a shattered heart like mine. he gave me butterflies but my mother told me otherwise; 'it's a lie you created.' I didn't realize how right that had been. there was a relationship, great for three days, but two nights. I desperately wanted it to end. he claimed he was in love and assumed I felt the same, I didn't say a word, just pushed him away.

his eyes would look down in confusion and what I recognized as pain. I hated seeing people in pain, but what if staying caused me pain? Eventually, he came crying, saying he kissed another for I was pushing him away so much.

the first thing I thought, was I knew it and I don't care. What a fool, I had said to myself, he thought he was in love. I didn't care he cheated. I left the relationship immediately after that. he said he'd leave me alone, and the next day he came to apologize and good God there was so much pain in those eyes and so much sorrow in his voice I couldn't help but get teary eyed myself and eventually cried for a short while.

he tried to get me back, what a fool, didn't he get it? I never loved him in such a way, I considered him a friend. And the more he tried, the more my choice sank and I desperately wanted him to be a stranger.

my mother had been right. I created a lie.

I only went with him, because he had something that reminded me of you and so did the first boy. I wanted to get rid of you, the feelings I had for you, the love I had for you. but it didn't go away. once again, numbness came but no peace. but this was a different kind of numbness because somehow I could also feel the pain of you without feeling anything.

I was empty.

one: I'm okay but my heart is in pain.

two: My body is functional but my lungs can't breathe.

three: you said you didn't believe you'd ever fall in love.

four: but you talk about her like she is the only girl in the world.

five: my heart fell in pain, and I began to cry.

six: and so no one could see the tear stains.

seven: I forced myself to stop crying; such a mistake that had been.

eight: because now no matter how hard I try, not a single drop will fall from my eyes.