The New Lottery.

 

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Introduction

"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed for you. If convicted, you will receive a PIN, and be entered into the Sex Offenders Lottery. Do you understand your rights?"

"Yes."

"Watch your head."

 

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Chapter 1

9:30 A.M.

The court room is filled with all sorts of people. A few I know, but mostly people I don't know. People I've never seen. It's dark and not a single window to see outside. The lights ran along the ceiling in rows like at my school. There were dead bugs in them too, just like my school. I scraped the edge of the table with my thumb mindlessly, chunks of paint gathered in a wad under my nail, I flicked it out, and scraped again. It smelled like a basement I used to play in, and like my grandmothers perfume. Funny, my brain danced from one thought to the next as  the smell put her right in front of me practically, I could still see her smile, and long dark grey hair always pulled up in a bun. Every time she hugged me she would squeeze so tight, and hold on for so long. I always felt safe with her. I wish she was here with me now.

The echo of a man's voice called out, pounding on the dark wood walls. Someone next to me spoke near my ear and pulled me from my mind, the murmur of other voices were fading in and out like a dream.

"The prosecution calls Valori Stevens to the stand."

It was like someone was yelling from inside a tunnel. Everyone was just staring at me, waiting it seemed. For what? Realizing the voice was talking about me, my skin got hot and I felt shaky. Then at the prompting of the woman speaking next to me, I stood, not sure what to do, even though they had told me like twenty times the day before.I tucked a chunk of my red hair behind my left ear and tried to focus, my head hurt, I think from the way my aunt pulled my hair into a really tight pony tail. My legs felt weird, they were numb, and heavy. My hands were beginning to sweat too. I held the crutches the same as the doctor showed me, and as tight as my hands could. I didn't want to look at anyone, not even my aunt Peyton. If I did, I'd freeze and wouldn't be able to tell anyone what happened to me. That was the most important thing, to tell them all what happened to me. ..And to my mom.

Even the tiny voice in my head was heartbroken shrank back at the mention of her.

I don't want to do this. I couldn't seem to hear much of anything, like I had cotton in my ears and a blanket on my head. Or like I was trying to listen to people talk through a wall. I finally came to an old wooden chair by the judge, it sat on a level higher than the rest of the floor, so I had to step up to get into it. I tried. I failed. The cop standing there caught me, and helped me. My eyes must have popped out of my head to him. I hope he knew what it meant. He leaned my crutches on the side next to me. The chair creaked and cried out as I scooted back and a little sideways until I knew for sure I wasn't going to fall out of it. The cop watched me. I assume it was pity I saw reflecting back at me. I allowed my eyes to scan the room once more ever so slightly, and there he was. The one who took my mother from me, and destroyed my entire life. I'd had no idea he was sitting there, just a few feet away from me the whole time. He stared at me with a tiny upward curve to his mouth. My heart drummed in my chest, I could hear the wooshing in my ears, and feel my skin vibrate with each distressed beat. 

 

A man with brown hair was walking toward me speaking, he thoughtfully stepped right in between us, blocking him from my view, and me from his. I allowed the distraction, welcomed it even, picking out little things to occupy my brain. He had on a light pink shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and dark colored pants. I could hear now better than before. When I finally saw his face I recognized him. He was friends with the lady that I was sitting next to. I had talked with him before, in the hospital.

"Hi." I blurted out before he said anything. His face changed when I said that, he looked sad, like he was going to cry.

"My name is Samuel Hudson, do you remember me?"

"Yes, from the hospital."

He smiled a half smile, "Yes, that's when I first met you. How are you?"

"I'm OK, how are you?"

A very gentle laugh escaped him, "I'm good sweetie. You know why you're here, right Valori?"

"Yes, I do."

"I'm gonna ask you some questions, OK?"

"OK."

"'Some of them will be hard to answer, and might be hard to remember. But I just want you to do your best, and tell the truth, alright?"

"Mm-hmm."

"You have to say yes, alright?" he whispered.

"Oh, OK. Yes."

"Great." He smiled again. "We'll start with a couple easy ones first. Valori, can you tell everyone your full name?"

"Valori Nicole Stevens."

"Perfect, and when were you born?"

"July 10th, 2004."

"So that would make you 10 years old, right?"

"10 and a half."

"Right, 10 and a half, I apologize. And Valori, do you know your address?'

"1616 Maple Court."

 

11:45 A.M.

"What were you doing when you heard your mother screaming?"

"I was in bed," Dreaming about a trip we had taken to the beach.

"What did you do after you woke up?"

"I jumped out of bed, and ran to her room."

"And what did you see?"

"I saw a man on top of my mom ---" My throat tightened up right there and I couldn't stop the over flow. I dropped my head and buried it in my hands. Nothing I did stopped the memories.

"Valori, take your time." His voice was soft.

I looked up at him from behind the blurry wall of tears built up in my eyes.

"Can you tell me what the man was doing?'

"He was hurting my mother, I thought he was hitting her but then, I saw the knife in his hand, and the blood." I remember the smell, the way her shirt was stuck to her skin.

"Go on, what then?"

Then? There was no then. Everything was one big block of a nightmare. "I couldn't move. I wanted to. I wanted to help my mom, and run away at the same time. I was so scared. She looked at me, she was crying. Her looking at me, that made him look. She tried again to fight, to protect me, but he just kept stabbing her." I could barely form the words. But I had no trouble seeing what happened. "He stabbed her again before he dropped the knife on the floor. He sat there for a minute, looking at me. When he saw that I was about to run he stood up. He was so tall, and I was so afraid. I turned around and ran back to my room." It felt like I was in a dream, or in water. My legs wouldn't go as fast as I needed them to. "My room looked like it was getting farther away, and even though I tried it felt like I was never gonna get to it. I don't remember getting to my door, I just remember shutting it as hard as I could."

"What happened next?"

"I locked it and sat against it to keep it shut, but then I thought it would be better to hide under my bed." My cheeks felt stiff, and sticky from me crying, and the tears drying up, and then crying again. "I heard a loud crack, and he growled, and then the door hit the wall behind it. I tried to get under my bed, but he grabbed both my ankles and squeezed and pulled me out." More tears streamed from my eyes, I cried so hard. I screamed harder. "He called me the B word, then he grabbed my leg, and he twisted it."

"What happened next?"

"I can't remember, I think I went to sleep, when I woke up I was in the hospital."

Mr. Hudson placed his hand on mine and squeezed just enough, "Valori, the person that did this to you, is he here today?"

"Yes." I pushed my answer out from my dry throat.

"Can you please point to him?" He asked as he gently stepped from his post, protecting me from the glares of my attacker, long enough for me to do so.

I stared at Mr. Hudson, afraid to even look at the monster who did all this. I lifted my hand, and pointed a small shaking finger at him. I couldn't pull my eyes away from Mr. Hudson.  

PROSECUTIONS CLOSING ARGUMENTS ---  1:40 P.M.

 "The sickest minds of Hollywood could not write a more twisted, depraved story, than what you are hearing today. This--" He stopped and didn't speak for a moment, "Is a page ripped right out of the Devil's playbook itself." He walked to the projector and carefully pressed the power button. The motor whirred to life in the small space of the courtroom. "Valori doesn't remember because of this person," he said without making eye contact but gesturing in the direction of the defendant, "Upon pulling her from underneath her bed, he twisted her leg until-- Until it shattered basically. Rendering her unconscious," He furrowed his brow, and cleared his throat, "And thankfully so. She doesn't recall anything of the vicious beating, beyond the initial attack," He clicked a button on the remote he held, and the first photo, that of small, beaten, bloody little girl lit up the room. "The gruesome rape," A second photo slid across the screen. "Or the savage stabbing." And then a third. The jurors had obvious reactions, some were crying, some looking away. "She didn't know that her mother had tried, yet again, to save her only child from this man, scratch that! From this monster. She crawled down the hallway, pulling her own broken body to her daughter's door way. It was at that moment that she saw what he had done to her baby, technically, what he was doing to her baby. You see, her desperate gasps for air had alerted him to her, and the fact that she was still alive. She had interrupted him. What does Mr. Ericson do? According to his boasting, he stops only long enough, to wink at her, then continues to rape Valori until he is satisfied. He stands, and walks over to Margot, kicking her legs out of his way, retrieves the knife from the floor in her room, and begins stabbing Valori. At one point, he plunges it into her so forcefully, that it leaves a gouge on the floor beneath her. It was a through and through stab wound. After all of this carnage, he still isn't finished. Using this knife," The prosecutor holds a blood stained knife in a plastic evidence bag, "He then turns his attention back to Margot, who is somehow still alive, he straddles her body, twists his hand into her blood soaked hair, pulls her head back, and delivers the final blow. Slicing her from ear to ear."

I felt like I was going to throw up when the pictures flashed on the screen. I had asked if I could be in another room while this part happened, but they said I couldn't. I just stared at the wood grain in the desk I was sitting at.

"Now when he is done, he goes into the bathroom and washes his face and hands, then to the kitchen to grab one of the Pepsis from the fridge, pops it, drinks it, and tosses the crushed can into the recycling bin."

 Everything is broken down, the reality and horror of what actually took place that night, into a forensic analysis-- to facts and evidence. He points to the route taken by my mother's killer on a drawing of my house, says which rooms he went into, what he did before he finally left.. But no one knows what it felt like. The smells, the sounds, the pain. Forever carved into my life. 

"He walks out the front door, leaving it open, and goes home, as if returning home from work. Their bodies left like trash, in a blood soaked house, full of all the memories that had made it their home, like nothing happened. He walks the three and a half minute distance down the streets to his house, for the most part, covered in blood. Valori and Margot's blood. Of the--" He examines a piece of paper on the desk, raising his voice, "seventeen people that witnessed him walking away from the crime scene, not one said a word. No one said a word. These sounded like questions rather than facts. No one called the cops. No one felt a man drenched in blood warranted any sort of reaction. It 'wasn't their business' one of them said. He left these two people to die, sadly, one did." Hudson cleared his throat,  "In all honesty," He started again, "I think there is something worse than the evil S.O.B. that stole Margot, that's the fact that this little girl has to continue a life, without a mother, without her best friend, and she has to endure that life with the scars, both physical, and emotional, that were inflicted upon both of them that night. Now, I completely understand that people die, every day. But to be tortured, beaten and just cut from this world, torn from existence, in such a heinous way, in front of a young child ---your child, is just..." He stood still, examining the faces of the jurors. He waited for the flow of speech, for that sentence that would connect the dots in each of their minds, "Sickening." He pushed his hands into his pockets, "This is a disturbed, dangerous predator who targeted innocent, vulnerable, kind, loved people. What could possibly be worse, you ask, this detestable thing walking free. And that, is where you come in. Both Valori and her mother do not deserve to be made victims again." His voice was soft, and pleading. "Each one of you," He held the gaze of each individual juror, "You know that, this trial is no longer about Mr. Ericson's guilt or innocence, or lack thereof rather, this trial has become nothing more, than a sentencing. The penalty phase, of which, he deserves the absolute harshest. The only evidence you need, is right here," He pointed to me. "So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I beg you," He stopped once more, "No, justice implores you, give this piece of garbage," Points to Ericson, "What this beautiful lovely young innocent child deserves." He then turned and was now speaking directly to me. "He deserves to sit and wait, to anticipate his own end, however gruesome, by no one, but you, Valori Stevens. The prosecution rests Your Honor."  

IMPACT STATEMENTS

My aunt went first. She held a piece of paper too. Crumpled. Her voice was so sad. "My sister and I, didn't have a lot growing up. We lived on a small farm, and our parents were always busy tending to it to put food on the table and clothes on our backs. We did, however, have each other." She paused to wipe the tears away. "We were best friends, enemies too, but we were strong. We loved each other the way my mother taught us to, unconditionally. But we grew apart. Argued a lot about stupid things, and almost stopped talking completely. We had barely mended things when--" She dropped her head, and let the paper fall to the table, "When that son of a bitch ripped her out of this world!" Her voice powered through the room as she angrily looked at him. "You will get what you deserve you piece of crap! If not by Valori, then it will be by me! I promise." Tears streamed down her face as she picked up the paper she read from, looked at me and then walked back to her seat.

I stood up. My face tacky from crying. I held my note squished between my hand and the handle of the crutch. I hesitated once I got to the stand with the microphone, trying not to lose my balance again. Success. I unfolded the paper, damp from the sweat, and laid it as flat as I could beneath the microphone. Still the sound of it was like a bag of chips. I closed my eyes, and tried to block the tears that were building behind them, a couple escaped and fell onto my paper, blurring the ink. My heart was beating so fast, and loud in my own ears, I thought everyone else could hear it too. My whole body felt weird, like I was being pricked with needles all over. I cleared my throat, and began to read, "Two years ago, you destroyed two lives. One of them, was mine. You took everything from me. You took my freedom, you took any sense of security I would ever feel, you stole my innocence, I will never get the chance to be a mother, like my mother was to me. You did damage to me that cannot be fixed. Physically, and mentally. I will never be the same, carefree kid I was, just a year ago. I will never get to see my mom again, I'll never get to hug her, or say I love you to her. She'll never see me grow up, or graduate or get married or be a grandmother to children I might have had.  Because you brutally murdered her. My mother was--" My throat tightened, and I couldn't finish that sentence. I closed my eyes, and more tears fell, and in the privacy of my mind, I could see my mother's face. I wiped the tears, and inhaled deep, as deep as I could. "You stole my mother!" My voice came through the speakers like storm, and it was full of anger and hatred for this person. "And you tried to steal me! But I want you to know these three things, first, you messed with the wrong little girl, second, you should've made sure we were both dead, because third, I will repay you someday. Speaking of repayment, Your Honor, I would like to submit my request for participation in the Sex Offenders Lottery."

I didn't see him, but I heard him move around in his seat. I certainly hoped he felt even a shred of the fear he had planted inside of me.

VERDICT

SENTENCING

"You are hereby sentenced to serve A: The remainder of your natural life in a maximum security facility, and B: You are forthwith entered into the Sex Offenders Lottery. This sentence will commence immediately, and the identification number issued to you, will be called, at random, after one years' time."

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Chapter 2

11 YEARS LATER  +/-

"Oh, you're leaving now?"

""Yeah, I'm not flying, so I want to get started on the drive."

"You're driving?! All the way to Oregon? Why? Take a train or something, at least."

"You know I love driving, it gives me time to think, and just, be..."

"Wow, I would probably die of boredom, or start picking up hitchers to keep me entertained." Toni laughed, "I'm glad you're going though," She stretched out on her bed, "You need to get away from the pencils. From the books. And all those teachers' dirty looks." Giggling, "You don't have to be there 'til July though, right?"

"Yea, but aunt Peyton wants me to come out now. Spend some time together, you know, family stuff. I haven't seen her since I left..." I said kind of indifferently.

"Come on, you'll love it, and it'll be over before you know it." Sitting up, frowning, she picked small, likely invisible pieces of fuzz off her leggings, "You probably won't ever come back to see me again."

"Oh, yea, that'll happen. Not! I can't do anything without you. You're my sister, I already miss you, and I'll call you every day."

"Dang! All up on me," She leaned her head back and pulled the shoulder of her shirt, "Girls be trippin'!"

"I just don't know how it's gonna play out. I only wanted to go when it was, you know, time to take care of it, then, get back to my normal routine."

"Ok, but it also needs to be seen as a break for you, so go, go get some. Valori, it's a good idea, and you know it is, you're just too stubborn to admit it."

"No I'm not!" I made a face at her.

The fleeting landscapes melted past me. They blurred into a swift play of bland boring colors. It all seemed the same. One town after another city, One stop light after another stop sign. Seemed as though the world spun only while I pressed the gas pedal. I had been on the road for five days, and managed to only stay in motels for three nights. Driving straight through was so relaxing. I prefer driving to sleeping anyway, see the cities and towns parade past, and it doesn't hurt that they're definitely more beautiful at night too. Knowing that I don't have to take an exit, or have to be somewhere at some certain time made me feel better inside. It somehow fills the void, the black hole that had opened up a long time ago. Driving makes me feel like I can always be just out of its reach. As long as I was moving, making some sort of headway, it couldn't swallow me. However, man cannot live on exhaust fumes alone, so for the seventh night, as a sort of farewell to the road party, I did opt for a small, clean room, a combo pizza and 'Everybody Loves Raymond.'

Sometime after two slices and the first segment of commercials, I felt my mother's arms around me. she kissed my head like she always did, and told me she loves me. Her face was so beautiful, and bright, like an angel. "I love you more, mom." I said as I pulled my blanket up to my chin. My mother stood up from my bed, clicked off the light, and pulled my door to. Right away, a shrill scream ripped through my mind, and I was standing at my mother's door, the walls stretching as tall as they could into the darkness above me. I was frozen, watching as a dark figure loomed over my mom. I tried to scream, but my voice wasn't my own, it was my mother's, gasping for air. This thing rose up into the darkness, and came toward me. I wanted so badly to run, to be safe in my bed, or my mom's arms but I couldn't move. It sent a long boney arm after me, and wrapped cold fingers around my throat. I couldn't breathe to scream, and the only other thing I could feel was terror. My feet left the floor as it lifted my slack body up and pulled me into her room. It hauled me right up to its face, and a rush of hot putrid air hit me, I winced and turned my head from it, wishing it away, as I did, I saw my mother's eyes, they were fixed upward, but seemed peaceful in some crazy way. I felt tears running down my cheeks, and at that moment, her eyes slid over and looked right at me.

 I shot up out of bed crying and gasping for air. My hair was damp, and sticking to the side of my face. I pushed it back and slid my fingers into the knotted mess from all the tossing and turning. My body was so hot, and clammy and drenched in sweat, I kicked the blankets off my feet as if they were on fire, trying to escape it. My ears rang, and the beat of my heart intensified it, other than the noise inside me, the room sat in silence. I got up and went to the sink, splashed some cool water on my face and watched the girl in the mirror, I barely recognized her. She had become tired and weak and most of all, angry. I flipped around and turned my back on her, considering hitting the road early. I was awake after all, and if I did go back to sleep, there was pretty much a guarantee that I would have more nightmares. I waited, and listened for my body to tell me if I was leaving now, or in the morning. My eyes burned, the burn that only closed eye lids can help. I drank some water and got back in bed.

A blade of sunlight cut through the space separating the curtains and sliced into the dark empty peace of my sleep. I turned away from it and sat up, welcoming the possibility of a good day. I stared at the floor. Empty headed, eyes wide. I stretched and got up and peeked outside to see what the day might offer, the rush of cold, fresh air felt so good, I was in a better mood already.

A pit stop at the corner gas station filled up the tank, and got some hot coffee for my tank, and I was on the road once again, leaving that town, and that nightmare behind. I eventually came to the Oregon border, but even at its eastern most side, I could feel the ocean, like it had missed me, and I somehow had missed it as well. I mean, it wasn't like I'd been inland all this time, but being home was different.

But there was a good portion inside me that felt like the moon wasn't far enough away. So, for the time being, school in Massachusetts would have to do.

The melody of my phone tore through the silence in my bubble, which was in my mind, inside my car. For a moment, I thought about not answering it, but I pressed the button on my radio.

"Hey sweetheart!"

"Hey aunt Peyton!"

"Where are you?"

"I'm probably about three, maybe three and a half hours away."

"Ok, how's pizza for dinner?'"

"If by pizza, you mean your absolutely de-lish spinach-tomato-basil-mozzarella-double-bacon-chicken-garlic-crispy disc of wonder, then pizza sounds wonderful!"

"Of course!" She reassured me.

"That sounds like a ton of fabulocity! I've just exceeded the speed limit, the cops are just gonna have to understand."

"I'll start it in a few minutes then?"

"Unless you want to wait, and I'll help you make it... It's only 11:30..."

"Oh, even better! Ok, well I'm gonna go run a couple errands then, and I'll see you when you get home."

"Ok, I love you."

"Love you too! Bye hun."

I renewed my quiet refuge with a click. All I wanted were my thoughts. Despite the fact that they often betrayed me, like many times in the past, they constantly disrupted the present. With no regard for my feelings, almost in spite of them, horribly graphic and violent shards of memories and dreams, frequently escaped the prison I attempted to lock them in, and would sneek into my deliberately sunny thoughts. I squeezed my eyes shut, as tight as I could, but it didn't matter, it wasn't as though it was taking place in real time in front of me, blinking was not going to help. I'd all but given up hope of finding anything that would. Finally, after what seemed more like two days rather than two hours, I was in front of my home. I hadn't been here since I left for college, just shy of four years ago.

I pulled into the driveway and paused for a second, waiting for the rush of excitement to hit me. Aside from seeing my aunt, it never came. Instead, it felt more like a war time flashback, never having been in a war, I only had the urges I'd heard of others having, ducking under kitchen tables and yelling about Charlie everywhere.

I looked around, nothing had really changed. In fact, Aunt Peyton sat in her same old spot, as if she'd been sitting in her rickety rocking chair since I left, waiting for me, and sipping her iced tea. A second glass, freshly made, sat next to her on a small table. So she had to have moved at some point, to make it. I smiled at my lonely joke. She put her glass next to it, and skipped down the steps of the porch.

"It's so great to see you stranger!" She hugged me real tight.

"Hey! It's wonderful to see you! I've missed you!"

"Oh, yea sure! I can tell. My cell phone is just-- Over.. Loaded what with all the text messages, and phone calls. Who needs communication from their family?" She scoffed, "I know I don't!"

"Aunt Peyton!" I pouted, "C'mon, I've been so busy with school---" She knew the real reason.

"I'm just playing, I know you're busy, no worries love!" Another hug, "I've missed you so much."

"Me too."

"So, now, pizza party!"

"Um, ok. Can I just take a quick shower? I feel kinda wound up, and grimey, and gross, and blah blah blah..."

"Oh, hey, love yea. No worries. I'll wait down here. Go on, everything you need is up in your bathroom."

"Thanks aunt Peyton."

I grabbed my smallest case, and started up the 14 step trek towards my room. Minus the thick layer of dust and a few boxes Peyton had put on the floor, my room looked no different, the same as I left it. In some ways, it wasn't too terrible being home. But in others, it only stirred the pain. This is where I had come after everything happened. My first night in a real bed, since my life was forever turned upside down. Sure I didn't have to deal with the doctors or nurses poking and prodding, asking and telling, but I obviously never escaped the nightmares, and the lovely panic disorder that accompanied me everywhere I went, and had no filter. I would never get away from it, safe to say, it will be forever etched into my DNA. An incomplete horror movie set to repeat, night after night, day after day, minute after minute . Over the years, my mind had graciously unlocked small bits and pieces of it. Each acting as a twist of the literal knife in my heart. I would push it away with every ounce of strength, try to tuck it away in the deep depths of my brain, an absolute necessity for basic normal function.

Speaking of, I grabbed my house clothes and shower bag and went into my bathroom. Water as hot as could be tolerated washed away the day, well, everything that wasn't waterproof anyway. Afterward, I got dressed, brushed my hair and teeth, and headed downstairs. The lack of the pleasing aroma expected had my attention before my foot touched the last step.

"Aunt Peyton?"

"In here!"

"No pizza?" I 'Wonder-Womaned' it with my hands on my hips.

"I have a better idea. Get some shoes on, change out of those PJs and c'mon."

I frowned. PJs? These weren't PJs... This is the latest in --- "These aren't PJs aunt Peyton." I said as if she followed any fashion trend. She just stared at me, waiting.

"They're 'non-pub.. Lic.. Clothes'." I tried to sound confident. "Plus, I'm not sure I'm up for 'public-clothes' though." I gave her the look.

"Well of course you don't feel up for anything! Just look at what you're wearing!" She giggled aloud. "Go put some 'public-clothes' and then you will feel up for it. Try it, if you don't, then we'll order in."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

I hauled myself and my heavier suitcase back up to my room. Peyton has this thing -- where -- she's always right. And she knew it. I clicked the buttons, lifted the lid, and pulled out the first outfit I saw. Cute, comfy. I combed my hair, once more, with feeling, threw on some mascara and lip gloss. Checking the reflection, "Hmm, not bad." I grumbled. I also couldn't help noticing that I did feel better. A smile polished off the look.

"Ok aunt Peyton! I'm ready." I said stretching out my arms, obviously fishing.

"Very nice! I bet you feel better too, right?" Peyton asked.

"Mmm, that depends..."

"On?"

"Where we're going."

"I wanted to take you to this great little pizza joint I've been going to for years."

"Years? We never went to any pizza joint... Except for Dominos. And even that was just, ..Delivery"

Yea, I started going after you left for college. They opened about a month later."

"Oh, they must have some good food and --"

"Not just good," She cut me off, "De-lish! C'mon, you're gonna love it."

"And be kinda boring..." I finished.

"Ha ha."

I headed for the passenger side of her car, and stood there for a second. I watched, as she walked right past me and across her front yard.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Oh, we're walking." My look must have prompted her to elaborate further, "It' right around the corner."

"Walking?"

"Yup. Walking."

 

"Hey Peyton!" A server said. "How are you?"

"I'm great! My niece -- Valori," Peyton gestured to me, "Is here on break."

"Ah, you're Valori!" She said with a touch of recognition. "Welcome to Lazio's!"

"Thank you," My eyes flickered to her name tag, "Katie."

'Katie' grabbed two menus and lead us down the cramped aisle, to my aunts usual booth, flipping around in a military about-face with a huge grin on hers. "Here you are ladies," She chimed as she placed the menus on the table opposite each other. "What can I get you to drink?"

"I'll have a draft beer please." My aunt, the alcoholic. Katie looked at me, "Two, drafts. Please."

My aunt looked at me, "Welcome to the club!" She smiled.

"Okie dokie girls. Any apps?" Katie asked.

"How about the spicy vinaigrette with olive oil and bread?"

I waited for Katie to react, I stared t her, staring at me. Me, oh, Peyton must have been talking to me. I looked at her, yup, sure enough, she was talking to me, and still waiting for an answer. From me, not Katie. "Oh, yea, that sounds, yummy in -- my tummy."

"Oh, honey, everything in this place is yummy, --in your tummy." She teased. "After that we'll have the Mediterranean with -- garlic sauce and extra olives and peppers please."

"Alrighty, I'll go grab that app, and those beers." She said as she scribbled the rest of our order on her little tablet before sliding it into her apron.

"Oh, um, is Jared working tonight?" My aunt asked her.

Katie's eyes flashed to me, then back to my aunt. "He ... Is." She answered with a reluctant tone, " But, I think he's pretty busy right now..."

"Could you go ahead and let him know I'm here please?" Instantly aware of her demeanor.

"Uh, yea, sure. As soon as he gets a minute." She slapped on a fraudulent smile.

"Thanks."

Katie was walking away before my aunt could even finish spitting the word out. "I'm not the only one that noticed that, right?" I said quietly.

"Noticed what? That the moment she got a glimpse of her competition, she panicked?"

"What? Competi -- What are you talking about?"

A beer was all but dropped in front of me, then another in front of my aunt. I sat back, against the booth.

"I'll be back with your appetizer." She mumbled and disappeared back into the kitchen.

"She's jealous of you." She whispered to me.

"What? I don't even --" I swung around looking for the server in question, "Why would she be jealous of me? We've never even met! " I stopped speaking, long enough to let it register. "Aunt Peyton! Did you-- You didn't! Aunt Peyton!" I whined.

"Calm down!" She snipped, "There's an explanation, listen."

I pulled away from the booth and placed my elbows on the table with my hands delicately under my chin, lifting my eye brows in silent expectation.

"I know the cook, well, the owner. He's my neighbor."

"And?"

"And!" Her voice jumped an octave, then returned to a six-inch voice, "He's a great guy, with an absolutely amazing head on his shoulders. And--"

"Oh no!" I squirmed. "No. No. No. No. A thousand times no. Aunt Peyton! What are you doing?" I sounded more like the parent now, rejecting her matchmaking.

"Valori. Relax! You're really going to like him."

"Well, no I won't. I'll ignore him, I won't even make eye contact with him. Oh my gosh! So, this isn't about a dinner to make me feel better, this is just a blind date. Essentially. In a pizza parlor."

"Well, um no, I'm just -- It's just an introduction. That's all. Promise." She cleared her throat, "He basically only knows your name. So, you meet him, and 'no me gusta?' Then no worries."

I took a death breath, willing it to calm me.

"Look, I'm only trying to help. You need a break, a disconnect from -- well, your life. Take some time. Have a 'big girl' time out."

"Ok, that's all lolli-pops and rainbows until someone drops a house on you."

"Ok," Peyton released a laugh through her nose, "Um, what does- that-- mean again?"

"Aunt Peyton, my life isn't some perfect paperback story. It's muddy water. What happens when this --" I flung my hand back towards the kitchen area then at my aunt in a dramatic classical composer gesture, "Just makes it all worse?"

"That's simple, then you remove the complication. But! Cross that bridge when you come to it love!"

I stared at her. There was no point. "Ugh! Fine!" I tried to seem extremely upset.

"You know I'm always right, right? And you're just gonna wanna chew on him. I met him when he moved in next door, he was ---"

"Peyton!"

My aunts face told me exactly who the voice belonged to. Her eyes and smile widened uninterrupted. "Jared!" She said like he was some long lost son of hers.

"It's great to see you!"

"Yeah, it's been a few, I haven't seen you around your place."

"Yeah you know," He inhaled, "Just been dealing with this place. I hired a new cook, been training him." He leaned against the back of my booth, "This must be your niece, Valori."

I couldn't avoid hearing the confidence in his assumption, nor the blush that was not doubt warming my cheeks as my face flushed.

"Yes, she's on break, Valori, this is --"

"I'm Jared," He wiped his hands on his apron, and shot his right one out to me while still talking. I hesitated for only a millisecond, but he noticed. I shook it gently, and unwittingly held his gaze.

"It's nice to meet you, Jared."

"I've heard quite a lot about you," He unknowingly outed Peyton, and with a smile he liberated some of his charm.

"Really?" I asked, eyeing my aunt. "Wish I could say the same."

A loud clanging noise lit up the parlor, and startled everyone, except Jared who unfazed, calmly swung his head around and then back to us, "Ok, well, that's my cue. I'm obviously needed in the kitchen, it was great to see you, and it was a pleasure to finally meet you Valori."

He stared for an extra second, "Likewise." I returned.

"Uh, ok, if there's anything else, just uh, bang some pans together." A nervous laugh escaped.

"Thank you, sweetie." Peyton said, "Hey, actually, are you busy tomorrow?"

I felt the blood drain from my upper body down to my feet.

"No, um, it's my day off -- Thank goodness!"

"You should come by and visit for a bit then. We're just gonna be sittin' around."

I finished off my beer, and by 'finished off' I mean that I drank it all at once, as fast as I could.

"Ok, maybe I will. I could use some down time."

"Great!" She smiled, "It's a date then."

I was hoping she could feel my death-ray-stare-down. She knew exactly what she was doing. That hundred watt smile on her face said it all. Jared must have caught on, his eyes slinked over to me, then back to Peyton, grinning.

"Ok, um. You guys take care."

My eyes were locked and loaded on my aunt, and her non chalant attitude.

"What?" she asked feining concern.

"You know what!" I snipped, "I know what!"

"There's nothing wrong with hanging out with my neighbor Val." She put her hands up as if I had pointed a gun at her. "I always. Hang, out" Deep breath, "with him."

"Yeah, and now what, you're adding 'pimp' to your resume?"

"A pimp?!" She scoffed, "Hardly. I'm not getting paid!"

I really was beginning to question whether she was joking.

"Let's not go putting labels -- on my services. Which! By the way are pro-bono." She shook her finger at me' a la Granny,' "Besides, if I was gonna label it, I like to think of myself as a negotiator of, companionship of the feminine kind. Sounds alot better, don't you think?"

I didn't want to laugh out loud, so I did it in my head, but then it accidentally escaped my mouth. "Oh aunt Peyton, you sure can distract a girl and make her laugh."

"I try." She smiled, and saw my empty glass, then flagged our gracious server down.

"Yes?" Katie asked once she was at our booth.

"Can we get a couple refills?"

"Sure." Katie turned to walk away.

"Oh, Katie, you forgot our appetizer too, can we go ahead and get that now?"

She barely shook her head in response. Peyton couldn't help but laugh. "Boy oh boy! Isn't it crazy how people can go from zero to 'Princess' in a split second? She has never had such an ugly little attitude."

"Aunt Peyton, c'mon, maybe she's just..." I spun back to make sure she was standing there, "Having a bad day."

"It wasn't bad until she met you." She said watching her get the beers and food. The two beers were dropped in front of them, followed by the pizza, and finally, the appetizer.

Never one to be walked on, "Katie, princess..."

Peyton said behind her clenched teeth and a nice helping of sarcasm, "Aside from the fact that our app was placed n this table after our meal, I ordered extra olives and peppers. There are exactly one, two, three, four, five-- five olives which hardly counts as extra, and my latest count of peppers stands at zero. Could you please find the time to go fix it? Thanks so much!"

"I apologize," Katie blubbered out, "I'll go take care of that right away." Obviously uncomfortable, she flushed hot pink, picked up the pizza and went back into the kitchen.

"Vicious much." I whispered before taking a piece of the bread and dipping it into the oil and vinegar. Suddenly distracted "Mmmmm delicious much!" After tasting it.

"You know me Val, I stopped being a door mat years ago." She followed suit, dipping a piece as well, "She's not going to treat us like that just because the jealousy fairy gave her a beat down. She's lucky I'm not saying anything about the red sauce that was on it and make her do it all over."

I just chewed my bread quietly. Her mouth kept moving, and producing words, but my mind was busy, remembering when my aunt was a softie. It was when I was about five, most of the memories that I had were fuzzy, and I could only see pieces. I knew it had something to do with her ex-husband. He had begun abusing her, she put up with it for a minute -- in the name of love, or whatever, but after the last fight they had, she put him in the ICU. She didn't want him dead, she just wanted him to stop. She knew what she was doing, after all, he had trained her. It was about time he had a taste of it, he had put her in the hospital twice, and all she had was a piece of paper that was supposed to protect her, but in the end, she protected herself. After that, she was never really the same when it came to anyone outside her immediate family. Very protective, especially of her sister and of me. I also know that she blamed herself for what happened to me and my mom for a long time. Which was of course, ridiculous. She made plans to be there that weekend, but had to cancel for work. She couldn't have stopped what happened, she might have been killed too. I hope she knew better than to carry that burden for the rest of her life. A snotty voice sliced through my reverie,

"Here you go. Anything else?" Katie asked with only a minimal amount of politeness.

"Just the check, thanks." Peyton had even less politeness.

Katie pulled her black ticket book from her apron and slid our check onto the table. It read $34.98, in return Peyton pulled a twenty, a ten and a five from her purse and placed them on top of the check, "Keep the change -- Princess." To which she picked it up and walked away.

"Ok, I get standing up for yourself, but aunt Peyton?"

"No Val, this is crap. Walking around here like she owns him. I don't see a 'Katie' flag shoved up his rear end!"

"You don't even know for sure what's wrong with her."

"Yes, honey, I do know for sure. He hired her two days after I met him. I've seen the way she watches him, the way she flirts with him, smiles at him, touches his arm --- anything to try and get his attention. But she doesn't own him."

"We're they ever a couple?"

"Nope."

"Well maybe he led her on.."

"No, he and I have had many conversations. He's simply not interested, he's focused on his work. I've never seen him on a date even, with anyone. He is very responsible and knows his priorities. Which is why--"

"Wow aunt P, I haven't been here two days, and you're already trying to pawn me off on a guy, a stranger no less. One that is 'responsible?' Yuk! C'mon, you know that aint my type!"

"Well, you obviously are blind, as well as weird."

"What do you mean?"

"The minute he looked at you. He's interested in you."

I scoffed, tossed the last bite of that deliciously delicious bread into my mouth, "Um, well, I don't--- know." I said while chewing and slumped back into the booth.

"So, let's finish this up so we can go home and get you ready."

"Ready for what?"

"For tomorrow. I feel a trip to the salon coming on!" She chimed.

"Oh, aunt Peyton, you are dangerous." I laughed.

After I told her good night, I pulled my hair up, washed my make up off, brushed my teeth and climbed in the sack. Those clean cotton sheets felt just divine on my skin, I reached over and clicked the light off and melted into my bed. A light breeze carried the salt of the waves in through the window, the ocean smelled so good. I watched the lace curtain in its delicate dance, lifting and falling. Seemed like I watched it for a while, I checked. The glaring red number son my clock stared right back at me. 10:43. Back to the dance. I let my eyelids slide down and close. At first it stung, and then they watered, but after a few moments the burning eased. Then, true to form, they rose right back up. Wide awake. But of course, I'm used to this, so I sat up, grabbed the remote and turned the T.V. on to begin the surfing. I stole a secret glance at the clock, 10:56. Time sure doesn't fly around here. Stupid pacific standard nonsense. Click. Click. Click. I finally stopped clicking when I saw FRIENDS. I needed some humor. An entire episode went by.

11:30.

Still awake.

11:40

12:02.

Unbelievable. A car door slammed shut outside, I sat up to see that it was Jared. He walked around the front of his car to the back passenger door, and took-- I don't know a laptop bag out. He fumbled with his keys trying to set the alarm. I decided to employ my ninja skills, to no avail because somewhere between me standing and sneaking over to the window, he noticed me after executing a nice double take. Great he's staring. Our eyes connected, and for a second I whole heartedly considered dropping dead, but he held mine, and I held his. He was now raising his hand in some sort of friendly greeting, a 'hello' perhaps.. I threw him a bone and smiled back, but it wasn't all that unpleasant.

His feet moved, but his eyes didn't. And-- yup, walked him right into the front of his car. He stumbled , then steadied himself. The surprise had broke our tractor beam for only a second-- but I absolutely took advantage of it and ducked away from the window.

I sat on my bed. Perturbed. Plenty of guys had hit on me at school. None however, had the same effect of this guy. Who did he think he was anyway? Waltzing in from some greasy cheesy pizza parlor... Making her smile -- Making her stomach do cartwheels -- Making her feel. Rubbish and poppy-cock!

"It's bed time." I said as if I were speaking to a child that refused to fall asleep. I got back under the covers and willed my eyes to close. For once, they did, and only opened at the caress of the warm morning sunlight. I rolled over onto my back and stared at the ceiling. Jared's smile danced in my memory, two-stepping with anxiety. Not only to see him-- and his smile, but to apologize for how rude I had been when we met. I got out of bed, and snuck a peak out the window, I tried to stop my eyes, but they moved like ninjas. No car. A tiny pang registered in my stomach, which was weird.

He said it was his day off... I drummed my finger quietly on the wood frame of the window, then pulled my lip in from its pout. I promptly spun around on the balls of my feet and marched into the bathroom. I stared at myself and thought about the farfetched idea of actually having a man in my life. Nope. I have way more important things to focus on, my graduation in two years first of all. I have plans, big ones. a man would bring nothing but stress and derailment and probably a baby to the table. Sheesh.

Hoping to wash away these ridiculous notions, I splashed cold water on my face, brushed my teeth and turned on the shower. No sooner had I lathered up, I heard a car door shut outside. As soon as my foot hit the carpet mat, I began to rethink this whole running to the window naked, wet, and blind from my shampoo fiasco. What is going on? This giddy-excited behavior was really unfamiliar to me. I rushed the rest of my shower, thorough, but efficient.

"Val, you up love?" My aunt hollered, "I've got coffee!"

"I'll be down in a sec!" I rounded the hallway leading to the sunny kitchen that smelled of Foldger's, and inhaled as deep as I could. "I love love love that smell!"

"Here's a cup, sugar and some powdered creamer. The flavored ones are in the fridge."

"Oh how well you know me aunt Peyton, thank you my dear." I grabbed the amaretto from the fridge, then scooped the powder, dumped the sugar, poured the coffee, and topped it off with the liquid creamer. "It's been so long since I've been able to enjoy a real cup of coffee." A nice long sip, my eyes rolled north and my lids floated down over them. I was in paradise.

"So, are you going to get ready?" Peyton asked. I looked down, confused.

"What? What's wrong with what I have on?"

"Oh, real funny Val."

I'm surprised she was even able to speak in between the massive reckless gulps of her coffee.

"I hate to interrupt your little 'vacay,"

Ugh. Finger quotes. I hated when she did that.

"We actually do have an appointment at the salon. In about a half an hour." She eyed her watch, "I'm gonna go finish getting ready, K sweetie."

"Mm-Hmm. I'm gonna have another cup and go finish."

I sat at the island and nursed my coffee. I remembered how I hadn't wanted to leave school. I've always been sort of a work horse, I guess. I needed focus. Purpose. I had such great grades, nearly perfect, perfect attendance too. There goes that record. I'll miss at least two weeks here. But once I graduate, I can go anywhere I want. My thoughts wandered to my mother. A rare occurrence. I missed her so badly. Everything in my life, she will miss. As a young girl, I would beg God to give my mom back. After those went unanswered, I just started begging for him to erase all the memories of what happened, I even went so far as to ask that my mother be forgotten -- completely. But all the memories stayed, and the nightmares persisted. At any given moment I could paint a picture for someone that wasn't ever there that night. My prayers all but turned into interrogations. Angry questions. Hatred. Tears. Pain.

I felt a tear run down the side of my wrist, and snapped back. I wiped them away, and promptly chewed myself out for allowing this to surface. Very methodically, I tucked it back, into the black recesses of my mind. And of course, once more, hoping to never think of it again. I finished my cup but decided not to have another. Instead I went upstairs to find something else to wear, something that might pass Peyton's standards.

After deciding on some white shorts and a fun tank, I noticed Jared's car in his driveway. Seeing it gave me a surge of excitement. Butterflies, followed by a quiet smile -- and I was on my way downstairs.

"Ok, aunt Peyton, I'm ready!" I waited for a response. Nothing. "Aunt Peyton?" I saw her through the kitchen window talking to Jared. I hesitated, then grabbed my phone, prepared to look preoccupied, I went out the front door. "Oh, hey aunt Peyton, are you ready?" I asked going for nonchalant -- nailed it. "Hi Jared." I deliberately held his gaze.

"Hi, Valori." His voice was choppy, nervous.

"Yeah, I'm ready." Peyton said, "go ahead and lock the door, I've got my purse."

"Ok, I'm gonna go grab my wallet -- cause I'm unprepared to leave at the moment." I returned to the kitchen, thinking about what I had just said, what? 'I'm unprepar --" Was I nervous? Psshh, crazy. Anyway, I grabbed it and went back outside locking the door behind me. By now, Jared had gone and Peyton had the car running.

"So, I say we grab some frappaccinos on the way." I suggested, "My treat."

"Oh, sounds good!" Peyton smiled, "Ok, Java Detour is on one corner, Dutch Brothers is on the other, which one do you want?"

"It doesn't matter, I like them both."

"Okie dokie." Peyton said as she made a left hand turn into the drive way.

Coffee drinks in hand, we entered the salon. I always loved the smell of salons, the polish, the polish remover. I closed my eyes and inhaled the memories, and exhaled a content smile.

"Welcome miss Peyton!" A lady behind a booth hollered. "How are you?"

"Great!" Peyton smiled, trying to match the excitement. "I called Jon, he squeezed my niece and I in at 10:15."

"Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!" She said, "Let's get you situated over here." Gesturing to a row of spa chairs, she walked into a side room toward the back. Two other ladies came out smiling, and took their seats in the chairs waiting for us. I felt sort of rushed now, dang it. I wanted to relax. I frowned slightly. My aunt and I assumed our positions, and settled in for the next hour or so. The water was hot, and bubbling and so nice. I laid my head back on the soft pillow thing. Oh my goodness, was I in some sort of salon induced heaven. However, this lady was a tad rougher than I prefer, it was a weird mix of tickly-irritated-ness. Odd.

"So, when are you going to admit it?"

"Admit what?" My head popped up.

"That you like Jared."

"Uh," Quick-- think of something! " I don't like Jared." Fail. I gulped my coffee-chino thingy.

"Val, I know you like him. It's written all over your face. And we don't even need to go into how Jared feels..."

My eyes widened just enough to give me away. Ugh, stupid eyes, betraying my secret interest. I kept drinking to try and hide it. Laughter flew out of me as I pulled my foot away from the manicurists hands, Peyton startled and almost spilled her coffee.

"Valori!"

"Sorry, it tickles! Oh my gosh," Still laughing, I apologized twice more trying to quiet my giggling.

"What color are you getting Val?"

"Um, I really like this hot pink." I rolled the little bottle between my thumb and middle finger. "You?"

"I don't know, I like to just have a clear coat. Sometimes, if I'm feeling adventurous I'll get a pale color."

"You're joking right?" I asked as if I knew she was, "You do realize you can put a clear coat on in the privacy of your own home, you're paying for this, you might wanna take a risk." I handed her the sparkly neon blue next to me. "Try this one."

"Well, look who's working the carpe diem, what do you kids call it these days?"

"YOLO aunt Peyton, YOLO." I laughed. "It'll look great on you. It's your new favorite color."

"It is?" She asked.

"Yup, mix it up, get something different on your hands though. Like pink, or purple." I instructed.

"What are you go3nna get on yours?"

"Probably French," I thought out loud, "But black or hot pink tips."

"Ooh, sounds fun." Peyton smiled. "I'm  glad you're finally relaxing."

"I've been relaxed, I-"

"No, you've actually been pretty wound up -- tight."

I just looked at her. Not sure how to respond.

"It's ok. Listen, if anyone has a free pass, it's you. All I'm saying is, it's nice to, you know, see a different Valori."

I sighed, allowed my body to slack, and closed my eyes.

The manicurists finished our pedicures and told us to wait until they called us over to have our hands done. We put on the little foam flip flops provided and -- waited.

"You know, I don't mean to be the way I am. I want to -- be carefree and fun and crazy, and most of all to enjoy my youth, my life, but what about mom? Her life? If I enjoy my life, it's like I've forgotten her. Like I don't care. I just can't. I won't. Not until it's done."

"No one thinks you don't care Val, and you certainly haven't wronged your mothers memory by living your life. And, there's nothing wrong with being who you are! Enjoying the wonderful things that make Valori, Valori. You, my love, are driven, positive, smart -- beautiful, so many great things, just like your mom. But it's ok to slow down sometimes, and take advantage of the life you do have. Do you think she would have chosen for you to be like this? No! She would want you to live," She laughed, "Smell the roses."

"Gardenias." I returned.

"Ok, gardenias."

The ladies waved us over to their stations. I chose the hot pink for my tips with glitter, aunt Peyton, ever the risk taker, got the blue for her toes, and orange glitter flames over nude on her fingers. It actually was very cool looking.

"We need to run to the store," She looked at me, "I want to get some, party supplies.." She winked at me.

"Oh, yea, it aint a party unless there's booze in attendance." I smiled.

"Do you want to go?" The house is on the way so I can drop you before I go if you want to go home."

"Yea, I'll just wait at the house."

"Ok, anything you can't live without while I'm there?"

"What are you getting?"

"I was thinking margaritas, strawberry daiquiris, and some pina coladas."

"That sounds good."

After the polish dried we left the salon and headed home. The ride was relatively quiet. Peyton knew me well enough that sometimes she had to let me be alone with my thoughts. She learned that as a kid, when I retreated into my head, it was better for everyone to just let me go peacefully. Most days it helped.

Peyton pulled close to the curb and slowed slightly, "Ok, tuck and roll, sweetie!" She joked.

"Will you grab me some chocolate please?"

"Dark?" As if she didn't know.

I smiled.

"Alright, be back in a few."

"Ok." I shut the car door and walked up the sidewalk, to the stairs and unlocked the door. The smell inside took me all the way back to being 10, 11... 17. My eyes closed as I took the deepest breath I could. Despite the trauma I endured at 10, I did have quite a bit of good memories of my mother, and even more good ones thanks to my aunt. My life was more or less a battle. In trying to delete the bad, I lost most of the good. I had to live with both in order to enjoy the one. It was hell. I opened my eyes on my way to the fr+idge so I could graze. "Bless you aunt Peyton." I said aloud in the empty house. My choices were almost limitless. Yogurt, salad, sandwiches, anything I wanted. Salad it is. I simply adored salad, I really could eat it for every meal. Being the wonderful aunt she was, Peyton already had a huge salad prepped with a note on top.

I love you Val, enjoy this, RELAX! oh, and save some for me.

"I love you too aunt Peyton." Again, out loud. I pulled the glass bowl from the shelf with both hands. It was a culinary masterpiece. Spring mix, spinach, olives, tomatoes, peppers, blue cheese, mushrooms -- the list went on. I thought very seriously about just taking the whole bowl into the living room, but the recalled Peyton's request. A little sadder inside, I grabbed a small bowl from the cabinet, poured some homemade dressing on it and plopped myself on the sofa. Only after my first bite did I notice the remote -- on a table.. Across the room. Even sadder than before, I put my bowl down, got it, and sat back down. And the world was somewhat right again. After scrolling through the majority of what my aunt was paying a small ransom for, I decided to watch the news.

****NANCY GRACE****

"You know that sort of thing will rot your brain..."

I all but threw my salad to the second floor, as what could only be described as a dying hyenas last chance mating call/scream followed. "Wow, that was so un sexy." I blurted it out way before I thought.

"I'm so sorry, I knocked and no one answered, but the door was open--" His hand pointed to something.. Our door, maybe? I was seriously confused. Yup, it was our door, I left it wide open. I immediately began picking up the salad leaves that were now sprinkled about.

"I uh, thought you and Peyton might enjoy some of my meat."

By now I had bent over and was turned opposite him, but stood straight up, holding my bowl, and flipped around to face him, "Your what?"

"I brought some steaks from the parlor, they're gonna go bad," He held them up so I could see, "Who knew right? Steak at a pizza parlor. Guess they want -- I dunno, pizza."

My face was obviously flushed, "Oh right. I didn't know we were having food, er -- Well, I just thought..."

"No, yea, I was just hoping not to have to trash em, they're expensive."

"Ok, sure, I'll go put them in the fridge," I noticed they had been repackaged with a marinade, "Nice, I bet they're gonna be delish."

"Yea that's a uh, recipe I found in my grandmothers things." He slid his hands into his pockets.

"Uh, so listen," I said from inside the fridge as I fumbled with the steaks , double checking my thoughts, "I want to apologize --"

"For what?" He furrowed his brow.

"For the way I acted, you know, when we met, yesterday. I'm just --"

"Oh, hey no worries. I didn't -- I didn't even notice." He smiled.

"Yea right, the guy parking his car- outside- in the back noticed." I countered. He half smiled and looked away. "See! I knew --"

"Ok, so I picked up on a uh, a vibe... But hey, seriously, it's fine. I mean, I sometimes come across a little strong."

"No, Jared, it wasn't you. I'm in such an odd place right now. School and family, and you know, you're a sweet guy so far."

I smiled.

"So far?" He chuckled a little.

"Val, sorry it took so long!" Peyton complained more for herself than for either one of us I think. The door flew open and banged the wall behind it, I could hear the plastic of the bags calling to me to help. "Apparently, everybody in the tri-state area decided to go the store." She rounded the corner and both Jared and I helped with the bags. All three of em. "Oh, hi sweetie!" She said to Jared, "It's nice to see you here!" And she winked at me -- a gesture that was not lost on him. He grinned, and I blushed. "Well what brings you here this early?" She asked.

"Oh," He suddenly remembered the meat, "I brought some steaks from the parlor, I thought we could make a day, and maybe an evening out of it. I just, they were going to be thrown out."

"Absolutely!" She lit right up and flashed her saucer sized eyes at me in a non verbal confirmation. "A bar-b-que sounds great!"

"We can use this amazing salad you made aunt Peyton," I offered just before stuffing a huge bite into my mouth.

"Yea, if there's any of it left!" She laughed, "Wait a minute," Her face paled, "You're gonna share your salad?!" She joked. "Man! Jared, you sure lucked out. Valori is a salad junkie."

"Aunt Peyton!" I snipped.

"What? You are!" She whispered to him, "And she never shares."

"Well, you don't have to advertise it."

"Aw, Jared knows were just playing." She winked at him.

"Oh, y-yeah." He tried to convince me.

"Uh-huh," I smirked, "Anyway, we can have the salad and," I thought for a second, "Just salad and steak?"

"That sounds fine with us." Peyton answered.

"Me too." Jared added.

"Okie-dokie." I said.

"Do you have briquettes?" He asked my aunt.

"Yup, they're outside,, right next to the bbq, I think there's enough." She replied, "Hey sweetie, why don't you go help Jared, and I'll get the drinks ready?"

"Oh, yeah. Ok."

"What kind do you want?" She asked pointing to the different bottles she bought.

"Ooh, pina colada definitely." I said before walking outside.

"Ask Jared what he wants too will ya?"

"Yup." I walked out to the patio. His back was to me as he set up the bbq. I couldn't resist watching him for just a second. I smiled, fidgeted with my nails, and seriously considered scaring him. The idea tickled me, and my smile grew wider. But I thought better of it. Probably not the best idea given the lighter fluid he was working with, and I would've felt really bad being responsible for his visit to the ER, regardless of the laugh I would've gotten out of it. I cleared my throat, gently, which had the a more muted version of the desired effect. Alerting him -- without a code blue or third degree burns.

"Hey." He said. Was that happiness to see me? Hmm.

"Hey, uh, aunt Peyton want s to know what kind of drink you want." I threw my thumb up and back as if hitching a ride on a highway.

"Oh, um.."

Sensing the distress, "There's margarita, strawberry daiquiris or pina colada."

"I'll take a strawberry daiquiri, please."

"Ok, I'll go tell her." I flipped around and pranced back inside. He finished with the bbq, closed the lid, and came back inside to wait.

"Ok, they'll be ready in a few." He said.

"Great, thanks love." Peyton said, handing me my drink, and then giving Jared his.

"Thank you Peyton." He said.

"Mmm thanks aunt Peyton." I said after gulping some down.

"Y'all are very welcome," She responded, "So, Jared how is the restaurant going?"

"Well, it's going -- pretty great, actually. I've almost doubled my profits." He smiled, "Got a new chef -- well, cook, so that gives me some free time. Finally. Great staff, lots of regulars. It's really just taken off, better than I anticipated."

 

"That's fantastic!" She managed to say in between gulps of her margarita. "So, you're setting yourself up? Very smart love."

"Yea, I'm trying. It's hard sometimes, you know, others my age get to party all hours of the day and night. Sleep in. Have relationships..." He looked right at me after saying that last part. I felt my face flood with warmth.

"What do you mean, have relationships?" Peyton asked.

"Well, most girls don't understand all the time that running a restaurant requires. Late nights, early mornings, basically, it becomes the mistress. I'm pretty much on call most, if not all, of the time."

"Well at least you get along with your staff, they relieve some of the pressure right?"

"For the most part, yea, but they bring their own obstacles to the table..."

"Really, how?"

"Well, like if one person calls in sick, I have to cover their shift, or if someone quits, I have to find a replacement. I've considered walking away more than once to be totally honest."

"So why haven't you?" I asked before thinking"

"Um, the end result. Knowing, well hoping rather, that one day, it'll all even out and make sense."

I nodded as I sipped. "It will," I encouraged. "Just keep reminding yourself of your goals, and what you want from it."

Before I even finished the sentence, his cell phone rang. He pulled it from his pocket and stared at the screen, "Speak of the devil," He said, "It's the parlor, I need to answer it."

"Of course!" Peyton shouted in a whisper, gesturing for him to go into the living room.

"Hello. Hey Katie," The conversation quieted as he walked farther from the kitchen. Peyton looked at me. "What? No. Nope. Don't even say it."

"I didn't say anything Valori."

 

"Ok, well I know you were thinking it, and for you, thinking leads to saying." Again, she just stared at me over the top of her glass. No words, just thoughts.

"Oh my gosh! Fine. Let's get it over with."

Peyton smiled. "I just think he's something -- someone, you should consider. That's all."

"I know you think that aunt Peyton. I'm just not sure if I think that too."

"Just don't -- veto it, without giving it some thought."

Jared came back into the kitchen, sliding his phone inside his pocket. "Well, I guess we -- or I need a rain check for today." He looked upset.

"What's wrong?" Peyton asked it, right as I thought it.

"That was, Katie, one of my servers. She said there was a problem, and she needs me there right away. But when I asked why she said 'just c'mon' and then hung up." He exhaled and apologized. "If I can, I'll come right back. Go ahead and cook the steaks, they shouldn't have to die a horrible death on account of me." He winked.

"Bummer." Peyton said, "Are you sure? We can wait."

"Yea, I'm sure. I don't know exactly what's going on, and if it's something serious, then, I wont be right back."

"Well, keep in touch, ok?"

"Sure, I'll call as soon as I can. I'm sorry guys."

"Hey no worries," Peyton said. "Ok, well I'll go start the steaks, you and I can have your girls night after all. Hang out, talk, rent a movie."

"Ok, sounds great." I said trying to sound happy for my aunts plan, but also sad for Jared having to leave.

Jared got in his car and headed over to the parlor. A combination of worry, curiosity and frustration plagued him. As he drove though, those feelings gave way to a calmer sensation. He let his mind wander to Valori. He couldn't deny the way she made him feel. He felt good around her. Happy even. He was suddenly wishing he hadn't left. Hoping to go right back, he scoffed what does Katie want? Moments later, he pulled into a parking space. When he opened the back door, it was oddly quiet. He couldn't hear anything, not a single customer. "Hello," he called out. "Katie?"

"Up front!" Her voice announced.

He proceeded cautiously, "Where are you?" He asked aloud as he reached the dining area, he saw a table set with a few candles, wine and what looked to be fruit. A very scantily clad Katie stood from a booth seat.

"Katie -- What is this?" gesturing to the table.

"It's for us."

"Us?" He repeated confused.

"Yes. I know exactly how you feel about me. And I know it's been very difficult for you to remain a gentleman, but I want you to know," She stood, showcasing the lace lingerie she was wearing under her trench coat, "that you don't have to be."

"Wait a minute, I think you've --" She closed the distance between them and ran her hands over his shoulders.

"I know you want me Jared, and it's so mutual. I've wanted you since the day I decided to apply for work here."

"Katie --"

"Hush."

Leaning in to kiss him, he stepped back as though they were magnets on the same sides. "Whoa! What are you doing?" He asked knowing the answer.

"Jared, I've seen the way you look at me."

"I don't um," He cleared his throat, "I don't look at you, in any particular way, Katie."

"Look, Jared, you've got something I want, and I know that I have something you want," She winked and drug her finger down the center of his chest. "And if we don't work something out, it'll just break my heart, and we don't want that." She again tried to kiss him, he placed his hands on her shoulders and squeezed, pushing her back in yet another rejection.

The look in her eyes shifted. "This is about that Vanessa tramp isn't it?!"

"Valori..."

"What?!"

"Her name is Valori, and she's not a tramp. Also, if you cannot conduct yourself in a professional manner, beginning with cleaning this mess up and, seeing as how you've cleared the place out as it is, closing the parlor, and in the future performing the duties outlined in and required by our contract, I will have no choice but to terminate you. Are we clear?"

She backed away slightly, absorbing his words, shocked at the outcome of this perfectly planned evening. "Crystal." She said quietly, "I'm -- I'm sorry."

"Um, it's ok." He said instantly feeling sorry for her. He turned around and walked back to his car. He sat there, re-playing everything that had just happened. That was crazy, he thought. Even crazier, was the fact that he had just turned down an attractive female, who he knows, for a girl he just met. And it was so easy. He wasn't one hundred percent positive about it all, but he knew he wanted to know for sure, and what better way to know, than to go explore it. Explore the possibility of her. It wasn't technically part of his initial plan, but, plans change. Besides, after meeting her, and talking to her, his original plan seemed so purposeless.

He sat in the car for a few more minutes before starting it up and driving back. Just as he was pulling into his driveway he noticed Peyton at the bbq. He parked and stared at their house. The smell reminded of what happiness could be. He had no childhood memories of family barbeques or even just family days. He figured it would be like this, calm, laughter, love. It was early evening, the air was cool, comforting. It was that time of day that felt hopeful, when the heat of the sun wasn't beating down on you , but it still broke through in places creating long streaks of light painted on the ground. Exciting. It wasn't over, and the possibilities of a new day weren't far off either. His mind could already taste the meat. Shoving his phone back into his pocket, he walked back over to Peyton's.

"Hey you! That was pretty quick." Peyton said s he came up the few steps.

"Yea, just, uh, Katie -- She had some kind of issue with the inventory orders," He stammered and half smiled. "Listen, um if it's all the same, maybe we can do this another time. You know, rain check it."

"Oh, hey sure love. Is everything ok?"

"Yea, it's just been a long day --"

"Jared, it's only," She double checked her watch, just to be sure, "2:30.. You sure somethin' aint wrong?"

He stared at her for a moment, No, Peyton, nothing's wrong. Everything is so right it's scaring the crap out of me. "No, everything's ok," He said gently. "Just tired. The uh, parlor's taking its toll on me."

"Ok." She replied. "But you know, if you ever need to, I'm here."

He walked over and hugged her, "I know. And thank you Peyton."

She watched as he crossed their shared driveway to his house. Then grabbed the steaks and came back inside. "Val," She called from the kitchen, "Do you want to come doctor your steak?"

"Affirmative!" I answered jumping up from the couch and jogging through the house. "Oh. My. Gosh. This looks so good, and smells so good! You have the stuff right?"

"You know it," She said handing me the extra huge bottle of A-1, "And hey! No drinking it, ya herrr?"

I was visibly shaken by this news.

Jared took a Corona from his fridge and stood in front of the window in his dining room, watching them with a thoughtful stare. Everything that he had anticipated happening at this point in his life wasn't going to take place. The thing was, he wanted something different that what he had planned for, and it was going to affect his goals and now his dreams. The soft yellow glow of Peyton's kitchen and dining room lights almost gave him away. They laughed, and gestured, and moved from one room to the next, carefree, happy. In two large gulp, his beer was just about gone. He went and grabbed one, then another just in case. This time deciding his porch was a better fit for relaxation. Leaving his front door open, the screen door slammed behind him. He sat in his old beat up chair. He put it out there to be thrown away, but the task kept escaping him, which at this point, he was fine with as it suited the purpose at hand. It was strange, the changes that had revealed themselves recently. He had begun this part of his life with one outlook, and he knew -- now, he would leave that behind and continue with a very different one. Nothing could've prepared him though, for what he felt towards Valori in the last two days. He'd have to be crazy, right? Lonely perhaps. But what about Katie? If loneliness were indeed the culprit? He shattered that poor girl. It takes balls to tell someone how you feel, and to assume they feel the same out loud. To risk that rejection. Rejection he too, might face. He had finished three beers, and was basically spent. Not one to half-ass anything by remaining simply buzzed, he shot for the fence and headed for the fourth. He stood and two steps into the journey to his door, there she was, standing by his front steps.

"Hey, sorry, I saw you sitting out here," I lifted my hand towards his chair, "I don't mean to bother you."

"No, you're fine." He said.

"Are you sure? I just wanted to see why you never came back.." He voice like honey.

Because I'm terrified of how I've been feeling and I felt the need to hide behind some alcohol. "Oh, I just need to drink -- To think! I needed to think, that's all." He tried to correct himself but it was too late.

At that I acknowledged the two empty bottles in his hand, "Ok, well if you want to be alo --"

"No!" Clearing his throat, "No, really, um, I'm glad you're here. Do you want a beer?"

"Sure," I said, "aunt Peyton skimped on the liquor anyway. Pretty sure those drinks were practically virgin." I laughed.

He motioned for me to follow him in, to my surprise, my feet did so without an ounce of hesitation.

"You'll have to excuse me, I don't have a lot of company." He said sheepishly. I looked around, and then gave him non verbal affirmation with an understanding smile.

"No worries, it's better than my place." I laughed again.

He popped an ice cold beer and handed it to me, then opened another for himself as we went back out on his porch.

"I don't mean to pry but I'm so curious about what happened earlier.." I spoke with my hands, thanks to my nerves. "The phone call."

"Oh, you mean with the parlor?"

"Yea, I know it's absolutely none of my beeswax. I was just wondering if everything was alright, if you were -- alright?"

"Um, yea, I'm fine."

I got the hint, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so nosey. I get it from my aunt you know."

"No it's fine. I appreciate the concern. I'd love to talk to you, just not about work," He paused, "If that's ok with you..."

"Oh my gosh, of course!" Good lord Valori! Keep your mouth shut!

"I'm actually pretty curious about you."

"Me?" I was as surprised as I sounded I'm sure, "You are?"

"Yea, you know, where you've been, where you're going..."

"Ok Forest Gump." I smiled at him.

"Now I'm being too nosey." He shifted his body and chuckled, "If you don't feel comfortable telling me about you, and your life, I completely understand. I am sort of a complete stranger."

I couldn't help a smile. "It's ok, I mean, nothing uber interesting really. I was born in California but my mother moved up here when I was like eight or nine months old I think. So except for college, I've grown up here."

"Do you like it?"

I took a deep breath, "Define like." I must have grimaced.

He laughed, "I think I can safely take that as a big fat no."

"It's not that I don't like it, so much as I just want to knw what else -- Iwould rather have an acid enema." I giggled.

"Yikes!" He laughed as well and took a drink of his beer, "An acid one? Is that even a thing?"

Laughing, "I don't know, but I'd take it over having to stay here beyond my three week vacay."

"How come?"

"I dunno. It's hard to explain. I want to follow my heart, and my heart isn't -- here."

"Where is it?"

I stared at him. "That's what I'm finding out."

"What about school? What made you choose Law School?"

"I see my aunt has already filled in some of the blanks for me."

"Kinda."

"I really want to cleanse the world of evil."

His eyebrows lifted. "You sure you wouldn't prefer being a super hero instead?" He smiled. I laughed at his quick humor.

"Well, I can't fly and I don't want to wear my underwear over my clothes, so I figure I'll save the world one creep felon at a time."

"Well, that's very noble."

"Eh," I shrugged, and sipped. "Not entirely. I want to have power. The power to put the worlds garbage right where it belongs."

"Behind bars?"

"Nope, in the ground."

"Wow, you don't mess around do you?"

"Not really, no." My eyes connected with his, I could feel the atmosphere change, like it was heavy. I tried to change the subject, a move he graciously accepted. "What about you?" I asked.

"There isn't much to reveal about myself either."

"Well, are you from here?"

"I was trying to be mysterious, but you are so persistent." He chuckled and sat his beer on the ledge before crossing his arms, "No, I moved here about four years ago, my mom died and my family thought it would be good to get away -- so they left me. And judging from the look on your face you're just as disgusted as I am. Er, was. But I got the restaurant and I did my best to forget those things and try to get comfortable for a minute." He finished his beer and sat it down.

"Wow. I'm very sorry to hear about your mom, I know that pain all too well."

"It's alright, It's one of those things. People say time heals all wounds or whatever, but it doesn't, you just learn to live with it. Anyway."

"Ok, so where are you from?"

"Montana. But I have sort of bounced a lot. I think it had to do with my mom, never felt like we belonged any particular place for too long. I guess she really loved to travel too, or wander as she liked to put it. Must be hereditary."

"You like to travel?"

"Yea, you could definitely say that." He said slipping his hands into his pockets.

"Do you ever imagine you might eventually park it?"

"Um, like you, I'm not really sure. I suppose when I decide to leave here, If I found someplace where, everything felt right, I might consider it. But you could say that for the moment, I've reluctantly parked it here."

"Yea, I was gonna say, gypsies don't normally have restaurants. They have fifth-wheels!" We both laughed.

"I know. But hey when your rich aunt gifts you -- uh, a restaurant, what are you gonna do right?"

"Right! So, is this the dream you had as a kid? Did you always want to own a place like this?"

"Oh, gosh. No! I mean I like it, don't get me wrong, but it's definitely not part of my retirement plan that's for sure." He went inside to the living room, again, I followed suit. We sat on the couch, the room dark except for the overflow from the kitchen lights.

We sat facing each other, "So, then what do you see yourself doing?"

"See, that's the thing. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.. I think as long as I'm happy, I'll be happy." His words resonated with me, I could feel myself relaxing and felt a little more comfortable with him as each minute danced by.

"Ok, here's a test. What do you find yourself wishing you could do in your free time? That sometimes can be an indicator of what could make you happy."

"That makes perfect sense, Valori."

"Mm-hmm."

"I don't even know if I've had the time to wish I could do anything in particular. That's so lame, when I admit it out loud."

"No, it's not lame. A lot of people don't have the luxury of time."

He looked at me with a crooked smile, setting a single butterfly free in my stomach. "You got any brothers or sisters?" I asked.

"Nope, just me. You?"

"Same." I looked at the glowing numbers on his clock, "Oh, wow, I should um, get go -- I gotta get back home. I left while she was in the loo." I giggled, "She's probably really confused."

"Oh, ok. I enjoyed your company Valori."

"I did too." Wow, I actually meant that. I smiled and stood up from the couch, he stood as well.

"Let me walk you out."

"Thank you." I said as I walked in front of him.

On her heels he could smell her hair as she moved. He had never been a big fan of coconut, but on her.. He pulled it in as deeply and quietly as his lungs would allow.

I stopped on his top step, "You know, you still owe us."

A question mark clearly visible floating above his head, "Owe you for..?"

"The dinner. This," I pointed to him and his house, "It doesn't count as a barbeque. Just so you know." I smiled.

"Oh yea?" He smiled back, "Ok, rain check. Definitely."

"Sounds good."

"I'll see you later, have  a good, uh -- rest of the night."

"You too," I continued down the steps, "See ya."

 

"Really?" Peyton chirped just as I walked back in.

"Aunt Peyton! You scared me!"

"I go sit on the pot for two seconds, come out, and you're gone."

"I wasn't. Gone..." Too forced.

"Uh, you weren't in here."

"I was just.."

"At Jared's!"

"What?!"

"You were at Jared's."

"Um, what do you mean? At Jared's?"

"Funny Val, I totally saw you." She pointed to the window.

"Ok, slow down, I can't understand you. Your accent is really heavy. Start over, but speak slowly."

"Valori Jane!" She propped her hands on her hips, in the way that said I better watch out, "I know exactly what's going on here."

"What are you trying to say, aunt Peyton?"

"Well Valori!"

"Well aunt Peyton!"

"Ugh! Whatever!" Flinging her arms up and turning around, "Goodnight I'm going to bed. He was a gentleman though right?"

"Of course he wa --"

"Ha!" She flipped around and pointed her finger at me. "I knew it."

Busted. My face warmed and the only reaction to downplay my embarrassment was to roll my eyes at her.

Peyton continued up the stairs, "Love you sweetie."

"Yup."

"Goodnight."

"Night." I made sure the doors were all locked, and the windows were closed enough that a burglar couldn't get in. I put a couple things in the fridge and wiped the counters down, I cannot stand going to bed with a dirty kitchen. I stood there when I finished, next to the sink. Worry etched into my brow, should I have hot cocoa? Or just go straight to bed?

Straight to bed. I turned off the lights, went upstairs and climbed into bed. The sheets were crisp, and cool, and smelled so good. It felt amazing, for the first time, in a long time, I felt content. In more ways than one. It felt as though things weren't on track as I would have liked, but, it all still seemed to make sense. I didn't feel that warring inside, the all too familiar urge to resist. I let my eyes close, expecting the usual -- nightmares and restlessness...

Moments later my room was lit up, like my light was on. "Aunt Peyton!" I sat up expecting to see her in my doorway. Nope, not in my doorway, not my light either. It was daylight. As in Sunday? I slept through the night? My eyes slid from the left to the right waiting for my mind to answer the silent question.. What the heck? I couldn't hear anything, the rest of the house was quiet. It was only a little after 7 A.M. but I didn't feel too tired. For the first time in, well forever, I felt rested. I stood up and looked outside to admire an hour I hadn't seen in a couple weeks at least. Jared's car was gone, at work most likely. I followed my normal routine, teeth, shower hair make up, yada-yada. I felt happy, like only good things could happen from now on. It had been a very long time since it felt like that for me. In fact, the good memories were so distant and over shadowed by the bad, I often had a hard time pulling them up at random. I relaxed, the hot water nowhere near its potential, poured over me. It seemed to take the stress and anxieties right down the drain with it. Over the years, especially while at college, I had tried so many things to relieve the stress, quell the nightmares and calm the current of electricity that lived inside me. Nothing ever helped. And I wasn't stupid, I knew exactly what the secret ingredient was. Jared. What a difference considering her male counterparts might have made in her life. Perhaps I wasn't meant to see them then, maybe the fates weren't whispering, they were probably yelling.

"Coffee-coffee-coffee..." I whispered to myself jogging down the stairs. Bee-line. Coffee pot. I waited impatiently, tapping my nails playfully on the edge of the counter, watching it, ever so slowly fill the carafe. I looked at the clock, 8:15, the pot, 1 cup. I felt an urgency, like I had to be somewhere, or do something. Like I do, or did at school. My classes started at 8 A.M. every day, well every weekday. I had been on the same schedule for pretty much the entire time she'd been gone. It had absolutely become second nature. Shoot, first. On occasion, during finals or other stressful times, I found myself in class, and couldn't recall the details of how I'd gotten there. God bless auto pilot, it felt nice though, to really be able to relax, Once I reminded myself that I could anyway. Which I had to do more than once.

Finally the beep of the coffee pot signaled its completion. I made my cup, and sat an empty one out for Peyton, quietly unlocked the front door to sit on the porch. The rocking chair welcomed me with a loud creaking. It was cool outside, crisp as I blew the steam from above my cup. Such a perfect combination, the warmth of the coffee, the sounds of kids, and even the dogs, the cars... None of the hustle and bustle and blaring cop or ambulance sirens of the larger cities. It was nice. I sipped my coffee, watching everything around me. The front door opened, and out staggers Peyton, coffee in hand, house slippers, mis-matched socks, lop sided pony tail, and a yawn exposing a mini black hole.

"Morning." I perked. She mumbled something about the elephant that woke her. "You and your dreams aunt Peyton," I giggled.

"How come you're up so early?" She asked, "Shouldn't you be sleeping in?"

"Well, normally. I'd sleep til tomorrow if I could, But, I slept so good last night, I didn't wake up , at all, and the strangest -- I don't remember having any nightmares."

She looked at me, eye brows raised. She knew what I had been like. What I had dealt with as a kid, and as an adult. Strange variations of the truth had plagued me, some dreams felt so real, I could have been reliving a documentary. Others, well others could be summed up as role reversals.

Peyton had held me as a crying frightened child, a sobbing depressed teen, she'd consoled me over the phone at all hours of the night for the last three years while I was at school. There was never a time that my nights, and even my days, weren't ruined by the hand of that piece of crap.

"Are you sure love?"

"I -- I'm pretty, positive. I -- in fact I think I dreamt of being at the beach."

"The beach?"

"Yea, there were three of us... Me and you, and someone else..." My eyes searched my memory.

"Who?"

"Well, that's it, I don't know. I only saw their feet, in the sand, but I woke up before I got to look at their face."

"Wow." Peyton took a drink of her coffee, "What do you think it means?"

"I'm not really sure," I said looking out the window, "I don't know that it means anything."

"You don't think, that, it has anything to do with," She took another drink and cleared her throat, "Jared?"

My eyes shot directly to her and widened, "No!" I snapped. "Why would it -- No."

"Ok, chill." Peyton defended. "I'm just saying, can it really just be a coincidence is all."

"Can what be a coincidence?"

"The fact that your entire life you've had horrible nightmares, flashbacks -- the whole nine, then you meet someone, nice, and shortly thereafter, you finally get to experience a restful night."

I looked at her, contemplating. "I don't think so. I'm sure it's because I'm home, and maybe because I'm ready and able to let it go. Let the past be. I'm so tired of it governing my present.." I drank more coffee.

"So, what better way to let the past be, than to embrace a future?"

I clicked my tongue, "Touché."

"Nothing even has to happen love, but just be open to it, is all. It's ok to let it take its own shape, and plot its own course."

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