Reasons

 

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H.E.L.L

 Sweat dripping from my forehead, knees buckling and fingers shaking. The hair on the back of my neck stood up completely. I felt a lack of air,  I took a deep breath. I hear a few screams here and there, he is walking closer. Something is in his hand, a gun. It's aiming towards me. I walk back and hit a wall. I slide down the wall till I'm sitting on the ground. Wondering how I got here? Wondering what the f*ck I must have done to get in the position I'm in now? Wondering who that man is? Let's go back, I don't know about 24 hours ago.



Every one has reasons. Reasons for things they do, things they are. I live alone in a two bedroom house near town, I probably should have bought one further. I don't have many friends, I'm known as the "weirdo" at school. I'm in year 11, senior year. And all I do in my life is wake up, go to school, come home and do whatever. Right now it is 8:10 am and I'm on my way to school, or as I call it H.E.L.L it stands for Horrific Endless Long Lessons and hell (duh)  Makes sense right? School starts at 8:45 but I get to school early to avoid the bullying. I have had my head down the toilet, hand in hand dryer for a long time, stuffed in a locker and i have lost my lunch a few times to the floor because of bullies.



I fast walk to my first period and sit in the seat on its own at the back of the desolated class room, my first period was textiles. I took out my book and pens and walked over to the pile of nearly finished clothes and went to a stool and started to carry on the dress I'm making, a black dress with a neon pink stripe on either side of the short dress. By the time people start coming to class it's 8:42 exact. The "mean girls" come at 8:57exact every day on a first period. I clear up the dress I'm making and sit at my seat before anyone takes it from me. At 8:57 the mean girls open the door with a force and walk past the teacher ignoring the detention they just got, Brittany gives me her death glare which could kill. She sits next to one of her many boy toys that she supposedly owns not letting another girl touch them but her two main b*tches, Belle and Mary. As class finishes Britt walks up to me and stops me from getting out of my seat. She gives me another death glare and says 'Watch your back Weirdo' and they walk away leaving me stunned in my seat.





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Kate S

Hi. This story has me intrigued. I like the tone and the narrative voice you've created.
Some things I noticed that would improve your writing: description - show, don't tell, and try work some figurative language into your work. It helps create mood and atmosphere for the reader.
Congratulations on maintaining present tense - not always easy to do without slipping into past. This story, and the tone of it, would work in second person POV as well (in case you were ever interested in experimenting.)
There are some minor punctuation errors in here - a quick edit will fix those up.
Well done. I'm looking forward to where this goes.

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Thanks Kate

Black Mercedes Vans

 The rest of the day was the same usual cr*p. Let's skip to the end of school.


On my way home I feel something weird,that's when I notice all the black vans around my street. Shaded windows, and lockable doors. I try to ignore it but it's nearly impossible as there are over 7 Mercedes vans covering my block. I enter my house to see three men in black, all taller than me. I get frightened, and I freeze. They walk up to me and place a white cloth over my nose and mouth. I instantly knock out. When I wake up I feel the Sweat immediately start to drip from my forehead,  my knees start to buckle and fingers shake. The hair on the back of my neck stand up completely. I feel a lack of air,  I take a deep breath. I hear a few screams here and there, someone is walking closer. Something is in his hand, a gun. It's aiming towards me. I walk back and hit a wall. I slide down the wall till I'm sitting on the ground. He puts the gun down and I look at him with a confused expression. He grabs my arm and ruthlessly drags me to a room with a bed In. He sits me on the bed and chucks a bottle of water at me. I don't drink it because for all I know it could be poisoned. 'Lorenzo' he abruptly says. I guess it's his name, when I look at his face I feel breathtaken. I nod and say 'Lexi' he walks out the door, and comes back in with a green apple, I finally find the courage to ask why I was here or why he kidnapped me his answer was one word, reasons. At first it made me confused but then, i needed more answers. One word that makes no sense is not good enough.

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Kate S

Okay I feel with this chapter you need to up the emotional responses of your narrator. Pull the reader in and hold them there. We need to be invested in your narrator and what happens to her. Write with the senses - a situation that creates fear and anxiety is ripe for it, and again, like rich descriptive language, it adds depth and engages the reader.
Usually when a character speaks they get their own line, for example,
'Lorenzo,' he abruptly says. etc etc
I nod and say, 'Lexi.'
I'm not sure if the way you've done it is a deliberate choice of yours (and as the author it is your choice to make).
Again, run a fine-toothed comb over this for grammar and punctuation.
Looking forward to the next chapter.

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Thank you Kate
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