Suicidal Girl

 

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Normal

 My parents thought I was a normal girl but little did they know I self harmed. At first I was hesitant but then i rummaged through my dads diy kit and took a small tool. I went all the way up to the unused room on the top floor and took the first sharpener I saw. I unscrewed the small screw and hid it under a wonky floor board. I carefully took out the miniature blade in the sharpener and stood infront of the wardrobe mirror. I place the sharp end of the blade against my wrist, I wasn't sure why there but in movies it's the most common place. I dug it in not as deep as I do now but deep enough to make it bleed,  I pulled it across my skin staring at my bloody wrist I did a few more small ones until I hid the blade under the wonky floor board with the screw. I tip toed to the bathroom tap and locked the door, I turned on the tap to freezing cold water and left my arm there for who knows how long, I just wanted to feel the pain, why I was doing this was not because I was being bullied at school because I wasn't, but more or less school itself. I've had two detentions so far and I'm not proud of it either one of them. All because of the same teacher Mrs Arson, I felt like she hated me, no I was sure she hated me she had to. My parents were no help at that, they gave me extra work saying that the school told them to give us extra work and so on. They wouldn't hurt me physically just mentally I guess, saying 'do you want to be the top' 'remember when you failed at school, I bet that your going to do it again' I don't know if these things should really mentally hurt someone but it did to me and badly. That's where it leads me today, I'm not allowed home alone, I have to have someone following my everymove at school and I'm not allowed near any sharp objects that I can somehow use to cut myself, my so called body guard is horrible she still hasn't caught me sneaking out of my bed at night to go to the toilet and grabbing my dads shaver to hurt myself. My dreams are about either hanging myself or jumping of a roof or cliff. If they catch me self harming I get sent straight to an asylum for suicidal girls and boys. Let's get to where I am today, on my way to school.

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Blacking Out

 Nina is my best friend ever since Millie left me once she found out about the harming. Nina has been there for me through good and bad times, oh I haven't introduced myself yet. Hello my name is Chloe Clarks and this is moi livre (if you haven't yet picked up I learn French at school but speak English and Portuguese fluently). Well I'm on my way to school, it has been 782 days since I started self harming,  I keep track in a small booklet, I'm in year nine of a girls only school, I have seen friendships come and go but I have two friends that have never left Nina and Josh. You've met Nina now meet Josh, he goes to the school opposite mine, he has been my friend longer than Nina,  we met in year 6 when I moved schools and I sat next to him in English when everyone else would swap seats I would stay next Josh wherever the teacher put us. We had a love hate relationship but we always ended up as friends at the end of the day. Now where were we, oh yes on the way to school with Nina. As we were walking through the bundles of older children in year 10 and 6th form Nina out of the blue asked 'your at it again immediately I start to look at the floor and then I look at my blazer sleeve and nod slightly, not even sure if she saw that I nodded. I put my hand back in my coat pocket like always and we carry on walking like nothing happened. As we walked in at school Nina said 'I have to put my foodtech stuff in the kitchen, we're making cookies! Mrs Sira said I could make extra for you again!' 'Thank you Nina' I wave at her as she walks the opposite direction of me. As I walk into form I sit at my desk and Iggy comes and sits on my desk and turns her iPad around as she shows me something. Headline 'more suicides less space' as I scroll my eyes down the news page my eye caught when I saw 'as more people are becoming suicidal in 2019 we are opening suicidal and mental hospitals to conserve space for more serious matters' I feel light headed, I get up and out of my seat, probably not the best thing to do but I do it. One hand on my head the other on Iggy's shoulder trying to steady myself from collapsing but I do either way, i fainted there and then. I heard iggy's voice calling for a nurse and then I blacked out.

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Future

 Do you want to know why I blacked out, I was always told that I'd get to go to a girl only asylum if I ever went and knowing me I'd be there this year tops. None of the teachers know about this, Millie told everyone in my form but kept it away from teachers. When I blacked out all I could see is me trapped in this small dingy room, two bed both worn out and frail a small, filthy sink and a plastic, cracked mirror. The walls were soft and like cushions stuffed in the wall. The floor had wonky floorboards and this girl around my age sat on one of the beds and she said 'this isn't a dream' 'this is your future' well at least I won't share with a perverted boy. I could hear screams, from an older lady, much older, she kicked down the door and screamed an unknown girls name, the lady sighed and face planted herself while walking away. I started feeling scared a tear fell out of my eye followed by a few others, my head hurt, everything went dark. I woke up on the nurses bed, shaking in fear. 'Are you okay sweetie'  the younger nurse out of the three said. I nodded. 'Why did you black out?' the eldest nurse asked. I just sat there, I picked up my bag and walked out, I was known for ignoring adults, or at least teachers. As I walked out of that building I could smell the rain and I decided to just stand there while playing with my now soaked hair. I could feel the fine raindrops on my eyelashes, dropping onto my rosey cheeks and cold nose, they would run down my face until dropping onto the muddy ground. I started to walk away into the main building, I went to the office and asked if I could go home, the newly hired woman didn't know my problem, the only people who knew where the headteacher, head of year and the people at the office. I told her that I had the right to go home but she kept that straight wrinkly face plastered on her pale ugly one. I stood there. I wouldn't move, like in a petition but this one was a one on one petition. The head of my year was walking by so I ran up to her leaving my bag on the floor, I told her that I wanted to go home and she brought us to the room behind the office desk and she write my name down with her cursive writing and signing me of. Before I left I gave the new girl a devilish smirk she immediately looked down to the waxed floor boards and then up to her 2009 computer screen.

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Home no more

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New girl Newer girl

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Friends and foes

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One way out

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