2^nd January 8am

As the bells chimed on my alarm clock, my head felt like a firework had gone off inside my brain. Why, oh why did I agree to work today? I should’ve known better, a night out with the lads never really ends before 3am on a normal evening, never mind on New Year’s Eve!

We’d ended up in Charlie’s house at the back of 4am on New Year’s Day, talking about how we were going to make this year our own and how we were going to ‘grow up and face our responsibilities’ this year. Yet, here I am, two days later, arguing with my alarm clock and my mother because I stupidly agreed to do a six hour shift at the bakers where I work, and then also agreed to go on a two day bender with the lads. It’s the 2^nd of January 2010 and this year I plan to make life exciting, make it fun and make the things I dream about a reality… but first I need to tackle getting out of bed; and this horrendous hairdo that I seem to have woken up with.

“Daisy. Get up now! You’re going to be late for work and I’m not phoning in for you again – you’re an adult now, start bloomin’ acting like one!” That’s my mum, and if you haven’t guessed; I’m Daisy. My mum’s the loveliest person you will ever meet, as long as you’re not her daughter, if so you’re destined for a live of moaning and groaning about what you want to do with your life. It was fine when Poppy took months off of work for no reason what-so-ever, but here I am with possibly the worst hangover to ever grace mankind and I’m being yelled at to get up for work. Stuff that!

Oh yeah, Poppy. Poppy’s my sister; Poppy and Daisy. Why mum and dad decided on the flowery names I have no idea, my mum’s called Rose so we were always referred to as dad’s three petals. Barf. It isn’t as if either of us is particularly flowery. I guess they wanted to have this perfect little family with two daughters who were sweet and innocent, but in reality they couldn’t have gotten anything more opposite. Poppy was pregnant at 16 and now lives in a rundown council estate with her ‘fiancé’ Darren. They’ve been together like two months or something, and now they’re planning to get married. I mean, fair play to the guy; Poppy is no easy feat, add in the kids and that’s a hat-trick that you couldn’t pay me to score. Little Kenzie and Mia, they’re the most adorable kids in the world and I love them to pieces but my god are they little rascals! Whenever we go to spend time with them all you hear is Poppy going off her nut about something the kids have done, or something that the kids will eventually do, or something that Darren has not done. It’s tedious, and boring, and I really never want to be in that kind of situation. I’d rather shoot myself in the tit, it would be more fun.

Anyway, I suppose I should get out of bed, eh? It’d probably help in this whole ‘getting my life in order’ thing that I’m planning this year. I don’t know why mum got me this diary for Christmas, it’s not like I’ve ever been one for writing. Although I suppose Hope and I did used to go through diaries like they were sweeties. We’d fill it up for that week and then swap them to see what was going on in the other’s head. We were just always that close. Hope’s my best friend, we’ve been close since first year at high school and I just couldn’t imagine my life without her. It’s been odd lately though, I haven’t seen much of her, and I’ll need to fix that. We have that kind of friendship where we can go weeks or months at a time without seeing each other but when we do it’s like we’ve seen each other the day before and we simply pick up where we left off. You’ll hear more about Hope in the future more than likely, since she’s one of the main constants in my life, but for now I better get ready for work and out the door in under twenty minutes or I fear my head may end up on a platter. I can hear mum coming upstairs, and she does not sound as if she is in the most forgiving of moods. Whoops.

Ciao for now.

Still the 2^nd January, 12.30pm.

For some reason I decided to bring this to work with me, I guess I have more to say than I thought I did, or I just like to rattle on and waste time; more than likely the latter. I’ve spent my morning making lattes and cappuccinos for unappreciative members of the general public, and it’s how I’m going to spend my afternoon too – how utterly soul destroying?! I genuinely can’t wait to leave this place, but it’s the best paid retail position there is locally, and with the lifestyle I like to lead, I can’t really afford to move jobs just yet.

After mentioning Hope this morning, I gave her a wee text and now we’ve got plans to meet up during the week at some point. Hope’s not into all this going out and getting absolutely plastered business like my other friends are, and I suppose my purse and liver would appreciate a quiet night in with the bestie. We’ll see what happens though. I’ve decided that this is definitely the year I get my life in order, so I’ve made up a little list in my head of what I’d like to accomplish this year and I’m going to put it down here to see if I can a) stick to it and b) watch the list get shorter as I tick things off. (Hopefully!)

1. Get a new job, or make myself enjoy the one I have. – I can’t spend my life selling sausage rolls, I think I would actually go stark raving bonkers!
2. Get a man! – Maybe if I was in a relationship it would stop me from wanting to go out all the time – who knows?
3. Lose some weight. – I’ve always been a chub, but if I lost some weight then maybe that would help with the previous goal.
4. Spend more time with Hope – obvious reasons.
5. Try and get on better with my mum and Poppy. – Probably not possible, but I can at least try.
6. Make more time for my dad – We’ll talk about him later on. I only get a half hour break.
7. Save up some money? I don’t know. Let’s stick to the previous six just now and see how we get on.

4^th January 11.30am

Off work today, absolutely bored at home so probably going to try and make some plans with Hope or something. Literally spent the last half hour refreshing Facebook constantly, even though nothing seems to change other than the minutes on the clock. Might sign up for that Twitter thing, although it seems pretty boring, there’s a 140 character limit per tweet; what are you supposed to be able to update the world on with that kind of limit? “Just ate dinner”, “Just slept in”, “Just finished work”? Seems like yet another way to waste time and encourage boredom if you ask me.

Anyway, enough ranting about the internet. I don’t even know why I’m talking to this book as if it’s a person, how utterly sad?! And now I’m asking myself questions… Bored. Bored. BORED.

Going to phone Hope and attempt to get out of this house for the night, mum’s in one of her moods and Poppy’s on about bring the kids round for the night – The mood I’m in, I’d rather eat my own face, thank-you.

C-yaaaa.

6^th January 6.50pm

I seem to only be able to update this thing every second day for some reason. To be honest, it completely slips my mind. I’m spending so much time on the internet these days that it’s making me forget how to pick up a pen and paper and actually write.

Finally joined Twitter, and although I’ve only been on there for two days, I think I might be in love. Either with Twitter or the amount of boys that are on there! There are definitely some hotties, like! Cheeky long distance relationship might be in the pipeline, but that’s all I’ll say on that matter just now. Ha!

Still not made plans with Hope yet, we’re both just so busy. Not the end of the world though, I’m sure we’ll catch up at some point and that way we’ll have even more to talk about!

Mum had a breakdown the other night, I’m getting so used to dealing with them now that it doesn’t really phase me. I just miss being a normal teenager I suppose – in fact, since when have I ever been a normal teenager?! I wasn’t allowed out in my young teens because mum was too worried about me getting bullied, and now she seems to think I’m taking this partying ‘too hard’ thing to a new extreme. She’s deluded. We all do it. I’ve never touched drugs, and I don’t plan to in the future. Just some alcohol, some music and some great friends and I’m all sorted.

I’ll try and keep this thing updated more regular, especially with all the exciting plans that are going through my head just now, but we’ll see! For now though I’m off to see if I can find something exciting to watch on the telly box, but let’s be serious, I’ll more than likely end up spending all night on Twitter as per.

January 7^th 3am

Well, it’s technically the 7^th. It is 3am after all! The reason I’m even up this late is that the past few nights I’ve had some trouble sleeping so I’ve been tending to stay up on the internet and have even started meeting people on there and building friendships!

It’s pretty awesome being able to meet people online and they do not have a clue about who you are. It’s a nice to get away from ‘oh, I knew you when you were bigger’ and ‘my how much weight have you lost!?’ comments. I used to be huge, I get that, but I’m trying to get away from that person now because I’m no longer her. For once in my damned life I’m popular, I’m confident and I’m enjoying life. Mum doesn’t see it like that though, she thinks I need to go to the doctors about this inability to sleep and about how any time I come in from work I’m in the worst mood ever – but isn’t that just normal? I mean, please, tell me someone who isn’t a celebrity who loves their jobs? How am I supposed to get excited and stay happy when I AM SELLING SAUSAGE ROLLS for a LIVING?! Ugh, she just doesn’t get it. Nobody does really, not even Hope.

I’m just done.

January 7^th 3.30am

Feel bad about saying that nobody gets it. Hope tries, I know she does but with us both being so busy we rarely get to see each other, and she has her partner and their new life together and I just feel like I’m drifting through life a little bit, y’know?

I know she’s there for me any time I need her, but sometimes I think I need something more. I need a boyfriend or at least someone that I can just be in an online kind of thing with. Someone to make me happy when I’m down; someone to just be there whenever I need them. That sounds nice.

January 10^th --:--

Not sure what time it is, don’t really care either. I’m so completely pissed off, and

maybe even a little hurt. Told Charlie about my plans to find someone online to build up a friendship/relationship and he told me that I was pathetic and needed to have a good hard look in the mirror about some of the choices I was making lately. What does he know?! I used to really, really, really like Charlie, but since he got with this new girlfriend of his he’s been nothing but an absolute thorn in our sides. Whenever we try and make plans, he just acts like a grumpy old man. Maybe I should spend more time with the drinking buddies instead of the boring ones, eh?

I just can’t believe he said that to me. I’m upset, I’m angry, but most of all I’m hurt. How could he say that about me? I’m supposed to be one of his closest friends; I mean for Christ’s sake I set him and his current girlfriend up!!
Stuff it, if he wants to be like that then let him. He can piss off for all I care.

January 11^th 8.30am

Okay, I was maybe a little bit hasty about Charlie last night. He’s not as bad as I made him out to be, and having talked it over with Hope (FINALLY), we’ve decided that he was more than likely just looking out for me, because to be fair I have been a bit of a riot lately!

Just a quick catch up just now while I have a smoke and finish my cup of tea before work. Off round to Hope’s for dinner straight from work so it should hopefully fly in! Genuinely cannot wait to see her. It feels like it’s been forever!

January 13th

 So, all caught up with Hope. She and the girlfriend are moving in together. Super excited for her! Kind of feels like everyone but me is growing up and finding their feet, yet here I am still stuck in my poxy box room with my mum nagging at me every five minutes about what I want for dinner or why I’m not wearing a jacket on a night out. Does she not realise that I am 20 and can make these kinds of ridiculous decisions for myself?! Getting real tired of it. I wish I could save up and move out, but then I’d just feel guilty about leaving mum on her own with Poppy being out of the house now.

Don’t get me wrong, mum is doing really great right now and I couldn’t be prouder of her. But, I don’t know, something just makes me hesitate from leaving her here alone. Maybe it’s me, maybe I don’t want to be alone? Wow, that’s pretty deep. Think it’s time to head to bed and then it’s up in the morning, off to the shops for something pretty wear and then off out tomorrow night with the lads to catch up on what we’ve missed these last two weeks – can’t believe it’s been TWO WEEKS since we’ve been out, or rather, since I’ve been out. I know for a fact that they’ve been out, but they just haven’t invited me. I’m sure there’s a logical explanation as to why they haven’t invited me along with them until now, I mean I’ve been pretty busy myself.

January 15^th – 2pm

Well, I was supposed to be in work and home again by now, but I didn’t get home until around 6am and decided that sleep was more important. Thankfully mum hasn’t been in so she doesn’t know. I wonder where she is actually. I know, I’ll go make some breakfast and then give her a ring and see where she’s got to, I’ll just say I got out of work early and see what she says. Back in a bit for a more detailed report on the entire goings on from last night – and trust me, there’s a lot to tell.

January 16^th – 1.15am

Well, mum knows that I missed work. She was walking past and Sophie shouted over to her asking where I was – Mum of course said that I was ‘probably’ in bed as I didn’t stumble in until 6am. This sent Sophie into a rage fit, making her storm into the office and scream at Mark for putting me on an early shift. It’s sweet f all to do with Sophie! She’s a sales assistant just like me.
Suppose I should probably phone Mark tomorrow since I’m not in and tell him what happened; I genuinely slept in. Okay, maybe I slept in throughout my entire shift and I was coming in the door only an hour before I should have been leaving for work, but still, I’m a young adult, my responsibilities are exactly that – mine.

I’m so sick of working with the people I work with right now, there’s so much bitching and stress when I walk into work that I genuinely dread getting on that rackety old bus every morning. Actually, I seem to be getting pretty sick of a lot of things lately. Maybe I should go to the doctor’s and get it checked out, but then that’s so much effort for her just to give me a stupid little questionnaire to see how I’m feeling. I can tell her how I’m feeling without a questionnaire, but ironically I think that’s out of the question.

Anyway, I was going to tell you about all the drama that went on last night, wasn’t I?! So, I got home from work around 5pm and jumped straight into the shower so that I could get the stale smell of sausage rolls and cupcakes off of me. We were all meeting at The Rock Spot in town at around 7.30pm, so that gave me two hours at least to get myself looking presentable.

The door went at around 6.30pm and I was screaming at mum to get it because I was running around the house in a towel, half my make-up done and my hair half dry. Not the best look really, is it? After a ten minute screaming match with mother dearest, she finally actually opened the door… you’ll never guess who it was!

It was my ex-Boyfriend Callum. He said he had tried to call me to see if it was okay to pop round, but of course I’ve changed my number – it’s been three years at least since the last time I seen him! He said he couldn’t find me on Facebook or Twitter either. Mum explained that I was in the middle of getting ready to go out and that now wasn’t really a good time; he should come back tomorrow. I was enraged. I know that mum doesn’t like Callum, she never has, but I am a twenty-year-old woman who can make her own mistakes, it’s not up to her. I yelled down the stairs telling Callum to come on up – I was decent. And, by decent I mean that I was in the absolutely stunning new blue dress that I got for the night out. It hugged my curves perfectly, and for the first time in a long time I actually felt feminine and sexy. It was nice to wave goodbye to the Doc Martin’s, plaid shirts and skinnies for a night.

He walked into my room and I swear his jaw nearly hit the floor. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL! That’ll teach him for all the times that he said I wasn’t good enough to be ‘seen on his arm’. Callum was an absolute tool when we were dating – God, I even moved to a different part of the country for him when he was offered that job down south and pretty much waved goodbye to the majority of my friends and family because they all said that I was making a huge mistake, that I deserved better than him and so on and so forth, but I was 17 and I thought I knew it all so I decided to take that jump. Three months later and I was back at mum’s door crying, planning murder with Hope because he had hurt me that much. But, here he was in front of me with his dark brown eyes searing into my skin as his eyes swept up and down my body and his soft lips parted in the shocked – almost overwhelmed look that he wore so well, so I figured he must have had something important to say.

Aaand, I was right. Sophia (the girl I caught him sleeping with) and he had split up, and since they had moved into her parents’ house within months of dating, he had given it all up and decided that life was much better if he spent his time helping Sophia’s dad’s business… I wasn’t the only person that made a huge mistake it would seem, considering he’s now back here in Glasgow broke and without a place of his own to stay.

What the hell did he think I was going to say? “Oh baby, I love you, I’ve always loved you, grab your things and move in straight away”? Jog on, mate. Never going to happen.

Callum and I were together for two years, and as much as I’ve never had that connection with someone before and probably never will have it again, I know for a fact I can’t trust him so there’s no romantic reunion on the cards anytime soon.

Wanting to be the good guy and the ‘grown up’ I made up some excuse about how that was a shame and how they had seemed to be made for each other – after all, they’re both lying cheating bastards; how much more similar can one couple be? And that I was off out with some friends and he was more than welcome to come along and meet them, maybe let off some steam from all the stress of moving back to Glasgow. Plus, a night out at Rock Spot – who can say no?

He agreed to come along and we set off. Mum’s face was an absolute picture as I left the house with him – her eyes certainly were not on my hemline for a change and there was no ‘get a coat on’, it was more ‘Get home tonight. We need words’.

We got to the bar just as everyone else was arriving – we’d waited on a bus for half an hour without any show, so we ended up just jumping in a taxi and to my complete and utter shock; Callum paid! He never paid for anything when we were dating, I remember going out for dinner one night and him yelling at me to hurry up and get ready. We were walking down to the restaurant when I had that blind panic of ‘SHIT, DID I LIFT MY PURSE?’ and had jokingly said “Oh well, if I didn’t have it at least you’ve got your wallet and can pay for a change.” Not only did this send him into a rage, it also revealed that Callum’s wallet was sitting on the fireplace – he had no intention of paying his share of the bill. A night out at a gorgeous restaurant turned into a take-away and a night of watching him work.

Anyway, sorry, Callum coming back has made me think about all these old memories instead of actually telling you the gossip of what happened last night – and no, Callum turning up is not the only shocker.

Remember how I had mentioned that the lads had been out without me, but I had assumed it was because I was a) busy and b) there would be a logical reason behind it? Well, Kayla got absolutely wrecked last night and finally came clean. Apparently they – ‘they’ being her workmates – don’t like being seen with me every week because I get drunk all the time. HELLO. WE ARE AT A BAR, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

Instead of doing the grown up thing and leaving when I had the perfect timing to storm out, I stayed and pretended that nothing had been said and that everything was hunky-dory, even when they were making ‘jokes’ about how much I drink and about how most of my wages go on nights out etc. I was dying to slap the smirks off of their faces, but I had to remain calm and cool in some ridiculous attempt to appear grown up and ‘sorted’ to Callum.

And, if you don’t count the raging argument that ended in tears with Kayla, then that guise went pretty much unmoved… Yeah, in my drunken fury, I decided that enough was enough and confronted Kayla – we had been best friends since high school, but here she was ditching me for her workmates and bitching behind my back. I thought we were close enough friends for her to be able to come to me about anything, but apparently not. I screamed, Kayla screamed, I yelled, Kayla yelled, I stormed off and Kayla ran straight through everyone crying her eyes out – little attention seeking never hurt apparently.

I’m so done with that shit; leave it in the school playground where it belongs. We’re all adults now.

Anyhow, there’s more to say but I really need to get some sleep. This hangover is killing me. The night, rounded up into a four word list;

• Callum
• Shots
• Tears
• Done

January 19^th 9.30am

Oh hello there, I seem to have forgotten about you for the past few days – Not heard from Callum really since that night out, but that’s no surprise. He was never a fan of crowds, especially of people that liked alcohol so he’s no doubt pissed at me or something, and the fact that I didn’t automatically run into his arms crying about how much I’d missed him; of course I’d missed him, but the truth is that I stopped missing him about a year ago. Three years is a pretty long time to not hear from someone for.

Callum was the first person to prove to me that it was possible for me to love someone with all my heart, but he was also the person that proved to be exactly why you shouldn’t – I couldn’t have given him more than I did, but somehow he wanted more and by cheating on me with several girls at a time, he made sure he got it. I just don’t understand why he’s back here. Like, what is there here for him? His dad had moved away when we did, and he doesn’t really get on with his mum.

He did seem pretty different when we were out though, so maybe a leopard can change their spots? We’ll see. I’ve added him on Facebook so I’ll give him a message later on today to see if he wants to meet up to have a proper catch up on recent events.

Just a short entry today, just to prove I’m not dead or anything like that. Working away as usual.
Ciao.

January 24^th 3am

Well, sitting here in tears at 3am… can you tell that Callum is back on the scene? Why will I never learn? We went out for dinner tonight, and he paid and then when we were heading our separate ways he leaned in for a hug, and I obliged; then he kissed me.

I’m not saying for a second that I did not kiss him back, but with every single bit of me I did not WANT to kiss him back, it just happened. Apparently I do miss him, a lot, considering I’m sitting here going through the box of stuff that we collected over the two years we were together in tears remembering how good it used to be before Sophia came along.

We were going to spend the rest of our lives together, we were going to lose our virginities together and everything; I suppose we kind of lost his together considering I walked in on him and Sophia fucking. That hurt so much, probably more than the lies and the mental abuse. It was just the final nail in that ‘not good enough for Callum’ sign that he had been pinning on my back over the last couple of months we were together.

Of course, the blame for him cheating on me was put on my head; I hadn’t done enough, I hadn’t treated him well enough, I didn’t ‘get’ him enough… the list goes on for miles. I just sat there and took it and even worse; I APOLOGISED. I APOLOGISED FOR SOMEONE CHEATING ON ME.

How pathetic can one person be?! Well, said person is currently sitting ranting to a diary, so it’s nice to see that in three years the pathetic little girl is still in there somewhere. Maybe Kayla was right the other night; maybe I should just start keeping myself to myself instead of having to deal with people and their, people-ness.

Going to attempt sleep. Don’t want to think anymore. Night.

January 24^th 11.50pm

Tried to get a hold of Callum today to talk about the kiss last night – no answer.

Not heard from him all day, he’s not changed one tiny bit, has he?! I’m just being the typical ridiculous girl that I always am whenever he’s around. Arse.

January 27^th 6.54pm

Still not heard from Callum; done caring. Sent him a text last night that said something along the lines of ‘Don’t care anymore – nice to see you haven’t changed one bit. If you want to stay in touch, then stay in touch but that’s it for us as anything other than friends. Absolutely done. Goodbye and good luck.’

Bitch Daisy is coming out to play apparently!

Good thing about Callum fucking me around is that it’s made me realise that maybe I don’t need a relationship to be happy; maybe I need to find a way to make myself happy first. Think an appointment at the doctors could be on the cards, I mean it’s better to be safe than sorry, right?

Going to give Hope a phone and see what she makes of it. Not sure whether to tell her about the whole Callum thing or what – I have a feeling that she would abandon me if she knew that I was thinking about going back there. WAS being the keyword in that situation. He can take a run and jump for all I care now.

January 28^th 7.18pm

Just off the phone with Hope – told her about Callum via text and she rang me up going crazy. ‘Daze, you know what he’s like!’ ‘I’m tired of hearing what he’s done to you’ ‘grow up and get over him!’. I’m not going to lie, even though Hope is my best friend in the whole world and I know she means well, that last one did hurt; how are you supposed to get over someone that can walk into your life for two minutes and completely turn it on its head?!

I need to get out of Glasgow – or at least make some friends somewhere else, somewhere nobody knows me or my back story. I’m just so bloomin’ done with this.

Hope means well, but she doesn’t realise that if it was the other way around then I would be there whenever she needed me, no matter what and most importantly – no matter how many times.

January 30^th 4am

Not feeling like me at all lately, it’s as if everyone I thought was my friends are drifting away from me. Feel so completely alone. Going out tonight with everyone, and I honestly just cannot be bothered, I can’t sleep from the thought of how shit I’m going to feel hearing about all their great lives and jobs. Not been into work for a week now. Went to the doctor and they said that work could just be getting on top of me so they’ve given me a sick line for two weeks to see how it helps and then I’ve to go back to them and see if there’s anything else they can give me.

Shall no doubt give you an update about how the night goes, no doubt.

January 31^st 5.40pm

Was having a good time last night with everyone until someone brought up the fact that ‘how dare’ I be out having a good time when I have a sick line from work. Ehm, sorry, but isn’t socialising supposed to help when you’re feeling down?

So, so, so sick of all this. All people here ever do is criticize me and I’m sick of it. I don’t want to spend every day hating life, but it’s quickly getting that way. I thought these people were my friends, but it’s certainly starting to not feel that way.

 What the hell do they know about my life?! They don’t even bloody ask. Neither does mum or Poppy, or dad. I’m just done. DONE.

Got a text from Callum today saying that he was suicidal; he’s not the only one. Fucking tired of all this bullshit.

January 31^st 11.20pm

Sorry for the rant, I just feel like people save up their problems for the one day that I can’t deal with it and then throw it all on me at once. I’m so tired of just feeling like poop all the time. I genuinely cannot remember the last time I laughed without it feeling forced, or went outside the house without feeling like I had to look over my shoulder.

I’m not suicidal; I’m not quite sure what I am. I don’t want to be here, but I don’t want to die. I want to be left alone for a while until I figure out who I am, who I’m not and who I want to be. I want to make a future for myself without it being dictated to me from other people.

I guess I just want to figure out who I am and what that person wants to be. We’re a whole month into this ‘new year, new me’ thing and so far all it is, is me being a drunken, depressed mess. Nothing new there.

Here’s hoping February’s a little better, eh?

February 3^rd 10pm

Ha! The last thing I wrote in here was ‘let’s hope February’s a bit better, eh?’ how wrong I could be. So far, February is just as bad, if not worse than January. How can it possibly be one month into the year that I was planning to change my life around, and if anything my life’s just got worse?! Sod’s law, I guess.

Still not been into work, thinking I’m just going to leave. The thought of going back to all the bitching and stares is not appealing in the slightest. They know that I’ve been off with depression, so no doubt that will have made its way right round the shop. Already sick of the pathetic ‘aw, I know how you feel’ looks I get whenever I pass the place when I’m in town.

I need a plan, I know I’ve already written a list of the things that I want to do this year, but so far that list seems to be pretty impossible. I need a plan that’s set in stone so that I can get on with things and just tick them off as I go. First thing’s first, I need to beat the blues; even if I could just control it instead of it controlling me then that would be a huge thing for me.

Started talking to this girl on Twitter about depression and stuff, and it’s amazing just how many people out there are going through the same thing as me, and have done for years. I mean, I know that I’ve been affected by this before; I had a bloody therapist at 14. Maybe talking to other people about how I’m feeling and how I’m dealing with things could be the way forward? I don’t know, but one thing’s for sure, I know that talking to Ann about how I’m feeling is definitely making it less daunting to deal with. We share tips on how we deal with symptoms, and I think it’s definitely a good thing. Thank god for Twitter, eh?

February 5^th 3.35pm

Howdy! Spent the last twelve hours on Skype to Ann, and I think we may have come up with the best idea that I’ve ever been part of! We’re going to start a Twitter account for people who have any kind of issues concerning mental health; whether it’s depression, anxiety, OCD or eating disorders. The Twitter account will be run by both of us and we’ll hold discussions about how to deal with symptoms and I guess just so that people will open up about what’s bothering them. Better out than in, as they say!

Today’s entry is just a quickie. Nothing else going on in my life just now, so that’s not really new, is it? Just thought I’d mention the idea for this Twitter account. Need to think of some names…

February 6^th 2am

Really loving Skype! Still not been to sleep since Thursday morning; insomnia is well and truly kicking my butt. Been on Skype since about 10pm to this guy I started talking to on Twitter, his name’s Lewis and we originally started talking back in January. (He was the guy that was making me love Twitter so much). We finally decided to Skype; but only via voice because he doesn’t have a webcam and I don’t particularly putting my fat mush on camera either! We’ve spent the last four hours talking about tons of things; depression, music, movies, comics and how great it is to finally put a voice to all the hours of conversations.

He lives in Inverness so we’ve been talking about how awesome it would be to meet up in person and go see a show or something. This along with the Twitter account thing I was talking about last night has really made me perk up. It’s just what I need; things to look forward to.

I think I might have decided on a name for the Twitter account. How about Don’t Lose Your Grip (DLYG)? My reasoning is that how many times does someone tell you to ‘get a grip’ when you’re feeling down? What if you didn’t lose that grip in the first place? I’m quite a clever cookie when I want to be! Shall run it past Ann when I get the chance; she’s being sane and sleeping.

Anyhow, I better go. That’s Lewis back now and this was just to pass the time while he ate his dinner/lunch/breakfast. Who knows how the diet of a professional insomniac works?!

February 9^th

Not sure what time it is – Don’t even care, think it’s around 9pm or somthing. Today has been rough. I’ve not felt this bad in years; I don’t even know how to describe it. It feels like I’ve been given really bad news, and that gut feeling of doom that you get when you’re nervous for a test combined. I just want to sleep, but it seems impossible.

Whenever I close my eyes to get curled up in bed and fall asleep, I can’t stop my mind from wandering off into territory that’s been blocked off for years. I’m 20 and so far I’ve done nothing with my life; that makes me feel incredibly guilty. I feel like I’ve let everyone, including myself down. I feel like a fat, stupid waste of space. The only person that makes me not feel like this is Lewis, and he’s been nowhere to be seen today. Hope he’s okay, I know he was having a bad day yesterday and I just hope that he’s not done anything stupid… That doesn’t bear thinking about.

I need to get Don’t Lose Your Grip off the ground, I can’t stand sitting here not being able to do anything for people who are suffering. I’ve went all my life watching my mum suffer; and nobody deserves it. I wouldn’t wish mental health problems on my worst enemy.

Note to self; Message Ann tomorrow about getting this thing up and running.

Who knows, maybe after we get our feet on the ground we could even start raising money for mental health charities or something?

February 10^th 7am

I actually had a good sleep last night! Hallelujah, praise the lord, etc.!

Got a message from Lewis around 11pm last night, this is what he said;
“Hey, you. Sorry that I’ve not been in touch today. My mind has been my worst enemy. I’m okay, I’m home and in bed safe. Wish you were here, I adore you Daisy. Sleep well and we’ll catch up tomorrow. X”

OMG – HE ADORES ME?! AND WISHES I WAS THERE! How cute is he? Can’t wait to catch up with him later on today, he makes me smile just by being himself. It’s Valentine’s Day in four days, I wonder if I can talk him into maybe meeting? It would be absolutely nerve-wracking, but it would be worth it to be able to just give him a cuddle.

Going to get breakfast and stuff, need to actually leave the house today sadly, but I shall be back later with some good news (hopefully!). Must remember to get in touch with Ann at some point today, too.

February 10^th 8pm

I genuinely think that my heart could burst from happiness. Two great things to tell you from today:

1. Don’t Lose Your Grip is officially on Twitter and we already have 200 followers! Everyone seems to be really supportive of the idea, and the great thing is that people are already opening up about their own issues. There are people I’ve followed on Twitter for ages that are coming out with mental health problems that I would never have thought had anything wrong with them! Although. I guess that’s the thing with mental health, it’s silent and nobody can tell what’s going on inside that odd brain.
2. Now, this is very exciting – this could potentially tick something off of the list that I made in January… LEWIS AND I HAVE A DATE ON SUNDAY. We’re meeting up in town and going for lunch and a coffee. I’m so excited, but I’m so nervous too! Emergency meet up with Hope needs planned; what will I wear? How will I wear my hair? ARGH! So excited!

Other than those two AMAZING updates I’ve nothing else to tell you. I’m just so bloomin’ excited for Sunday! I know we’ve only known each other for around a month, but I feel like I know Lewis more than I’ve ever known anyone, and I feel like he knows me better than I even know myself. This could be the beginning of a beautiful thing. Fingers, toes and everything else crossed!

February 11^th 9.15am

Up early as I have a doctor’s appointment shortly to discuss how we’re going to deal with this depression. I don’t really want to take medication, as I know how addictive it can be and I never want to get to the point where I’m relying on it to even out my mood, but it’s getting on top of me and as I said, I want to start controlling it instead of it controlling me and if medication is what will help me do that, then needs must.

Text Hope last night and told her about the Lewis news and she seems super excited for me. She’s popping up this evening to help me choose what to wear. I still can’t believe it is happening. I’m nervous, but I think I’m more excited than anything else.

Anyway, I best get out of bed and get ready to head out for the doctor. Ciao.

February 11^th 10.05pm

Hope’s not long left, so I thought I’d write this just before I head for a shower and then get ready to Skype with Lewis for the rest of the night (and more than likely most of the morning too!). It was so nice to catch up with Hope, that girl really is like my right arm. She’s been here through everything, and she knows exactly what to say to put my mind at rest.

Told her about how the doctor thinks I should be taking medication and has prescribed me some to see how I go; I was considering not taking it, but after the ‘what’s for you, won’t go by you’ chat from Hope I’ve decided to at least give it a try. They say the first three days are pretty bad and can make you worse because your brain is dealing with the change that the medication is trying to make, so we’ll see how I go.

Three sleeps until I get to properly ‘meet’ Lewis! So excited but, also so nervous. What if he doesn’t like me when he sees me in front of him? What if it’s painfully awkward?! Going to talk to him about it tonight and we’ll see what happens. Terrified.

February 12^th 12pm

I think this is the most consistent I’ve been when it comes to updating this thing! I just have so much going on in this head of mine with Sunday coming up. Spoke to Lewis last night about how nervous I am, and he says he’s the same. He’s worried I won’t like what I see when we meet, but he couldn’t be more wrong. He’s absolutely gorgeous and we just seem to click so I don’t see why there would be an issue there. However, I can see him not liking what he sees. I mean, I’m just some fat lump that’s got a way with words… what if that’s all he’s fallen for? I might be good with words behind a computer, but when it comes to actually speaking to someone then I’m so socially awkward that it’s embarrassing.

First day of the medication today, spoke to people on Don’t Lose Your Grip about it and they said they’ve felt the same about medication; some with good experiences, others with bad. I guess medication is just one of those things that works for some people but won’t work for others.

Forgot to tell you yesterday what I’ve decided to wear! I’ve decided that I’m going to wear my red skinnies, with my black baseball boots and my ‘I met him on the web’ Spider-Man top. Marvel and bad puns? It’s basically my life in one t-shirt! Hopefully he’ll find it as funny as I do; otherwise I’ll just look a bit creepy!

I suppose I could have chosen something it bit more ‘pretty’ but as Hope said, if he really likes me then it shouldn’t matter what I’m wearing. Still going to make sure that my hair and make-up are on point though! It doesn’t hurt to make an effort especially when this one date could potentially change my life, although I suppose all dates have that potential.

13^th February 2.50pm

Spent the day pampering myself so that I can at least look like I make an effort all the time when I see Lewis tomorrow! I’m so nervous, not even about actually meeting him – just that first introduction when we actually ‘meet’. What will we say? Do we go in for a hug, a kiss? God, I wish there was a hand-book to online dating that you could download...

I guess it would be easier if I knew what ‘we’ were. Are we dating? Are we good friends? We tell each other that we adore each other all the time and we speak all day every day… so I guess you could say we’re dating? Who knows? Whenever I ask him he says “let’s just see how things go on Sunday” which is pretty worrying; is he having second doubts about how he’ll feel when we meet?

This is all so frustrating, exciting and nerve-wracking! Why did I sign myself up for this!?

In other news, the medication seems to be kicking in a little bit, but it’s not really making me feel any ‘better’. I broke down crying today because my mum told me that we didn’t have any cigarettes until she went to the shop. Maybe I should rearrange with Lewis in case I’m an absolute mess tomorrow. My head just isn’t a very nice place to be right now, so maybe it would be best to rearrange for when the medication has settled and I’m feeling a little bit more human.

13^th February 9pm

I’m an idiot. Why the hell would I rearrange with Lewis when he’s the only person that makes me feel remotely human?

I can talk to him about absolutely anything, and he just gets me. I talk about the past and it’s almost as if he was there. He just ‘gets’ me and makes me feel like he’s known me for years. I don’t think I adore him though, I think I love him, and that’s absolutely terrifying considering how that ended the last time… Did I ever actually get around to telling you about that in detail?

Basically, with Callum and I it was ‘love at first sight’. We met at a youth club when we were both 15 and hit it off straight away. We laughed together, cried together and more importantly we loved together. We were planning a life together, and nothing could have made either of us happier. He got offered a job down in Manchester when he was 18 and I was 17, and the obvious thing to do was to move down there together; the company was paying for an apartment for him anyway, and the thought of being miles apart for any length of time really broke our hearts.

We moved in in the June and we had a wonderful time becoming ‘adults’ together by living in a new city and only having each other to count on. Callum loved the new job, and he had made a good few friends in the first week or two; that’s the thing about Callum, anyone who meets him seems to instantly love him (with the exception of mother who was never too keen on him).

We had been living together for around two months when he started acting odd. Even though we had never had sex in the two years we had been together, we were still a very passionate couple, and that showed in both our love life and our arguments, but one day this all seemed to change. Although we lived together, we never seemed to actually spend any time together, and I couldn’t remember the last time we had an actual conversation about anything other than his job.

One day he had went into the office to pick up some stuff that his boss had asked him to do over the weekend, and as he left the house I noticed he had left his laptop on and –more importantly- had left his email client logged in, and as much as I tried to resist, I couldn’t help but have a nosy…

“Yeah babe, just tell her to bugger off back to bonny ole’ Scotland if she’s being that much of a freeloader. You know that you’re always welcome here if you need some space from her. I understand that you’ve been together for a while so you’re bound to feel guilty, but just remember that there’s always space for you in my heart… and more importantly in my bed. ;- )
Speaking of which, bed is missing you. Fancy popping round this afternoon for a while? Tell the flower that you’re headed to the office or something? Three months today since we’ve been ‘dating/talking’ and around two months since we’ve been fucking. How time flies when you’re having fun, eh? ;- )

S xoxo”

I can still remember just how badly the wave of nausea hit me. HE WAS CHEATING ON ME. More importantly – he had been for THREE months. This means his dirty little secret started before we even moved down to Manchester. He had begged me to go with him, and yet he had this girl there whenever he needed someone?! AND THEY WERE SLEEPING TOGETEHER?

So yeah, safe to say that that was the end – of course I didn’t realise this until after two weeks of begging him to stop it and him blaming me continuously for it actually happening – his family blamed me too, because their Callum could do no wrong. I eventually realised that he was scum when I came home one day to find her half naked in our bed - after I asked him to choose between us, he handed me a suitcase. That was it, before I knew it I was on a train to Glasgow drowning myself in tears.

As you can imagine, after an experience like that I like to keep my walls up pretty tall. Lewis is the first person to ever be able to break them down a little bit again. I really hope that things go well tomorrow, because I really don’t know what I would do without having him in my life, even as a friend; what if he’s so repulsed by me that he doesn’t even want that?!

Speaking of Callum, though, I did receive a text from him today which is probably why this is all in my head. The text only said ‘hey’ but even at that, Callum still has this magical way of being able to completely take over my head. Hopefully seeing Lewis in person will give him the ability to completely wipe any memories of Callum.

One more sleep until we see…

February 14^th 8am

Attempted to have a long lie, but I couldn’t dorce myself to sleep any longer than the four that I did. So nervous and excited for today! Not actually heard from Lewis today though, so that’s pretty scary. I’ll send him a message just now actually…

Okay, sent him a text to confirm the plans. “Central Station at 12noon, then on to Starbucks for a coffee and into Forbidden Planet for a mooch around before dinner? So excited to ‘meet’ you, mister! Xxxxx” hopefully he doesn’t think I’m being clingy.

Righty, four hours to get ready to head out on the most nerve-wracking date I’ve ever been on – not that I’ve been on a lot mind you! Got my clothes out waiting for me after I get out the bath, hair’s washed and straighteners are sitting ready to be used, next to my make-up bag. Thing I’m all sorted, just a shame I couldn’t lose four or five stone overnight.

Anyway, I’m off for now – I’ll be back tonight when I get home with all the gossip! Wish me luck!

February 14^th 11.45pm

I’M FUMING, AND UPSET AND READY FOR BED. I’M READY TO GO TO SLEEP FOR A VERY LONG FUCKING TIME. I’M AN ABSOLUTE BLOODY IDIOT. GOOD FUCKING NIGHT.

February 15^th 12.34pm

I’ve been awake for about eight hours now, but I’m still lying in bed wishing myself back to sleep. I must have got around two hours sleep between crying fits. Currently lying here wishing the ground would open up and swallow me, or wishing I had the guts to actually go through with something to end it all.

Let me explain… or rather, try to. Y’see, got the train to Central station to meet ‘Lewis’ and was standing there for around half an hour when all of a sudden I felt two arms wrap themselves around my waist. My first thought was “OMG, this is adorable” but then I turned around, and you will never bloody guess who it was! CALLUM. Callum was Lewis all along! He had been playing me to see if I was still in love with him. That’s why he’d turned up that night in January too, to see if I was single or if I mentioned a boyfriend.

I am still so fuming and upset. How could he do this to me!? After every fucking thing he’s put me through, he goes and adds this to the list? I guess it just shows that a leopard really doesn’t change his spots.

I started going insane at him and he started CRYING as if I was the bad guy! He started pleading with me saying how sorry he was and how happy he had been the last few weeks talking to me like we used to. AND THEN, he tried to justify it by saying that he had warned me that I might not like what I seen. OKAY. When someone says that to you, you think they’re just not that confident or that they don’t think you’ll find them attractive; you don’t think they’re going to be you’re bloody psycho ex boyfriend that you haven’t seen in three years!

WHY do I have gullible written on my forehead?! Why do people think that this kind of shit is okay? I’m seriously devastated and doing everything in my power to be strong enough not to just say goodbye to everyone and leave.

That may seem pathetic, but this guy has now fucked me over twice, and it just feels like he’s never going to stop. It feels like he’s always going to win. I’m so done with this, I’m done with losing and I’m done with being everyone’s doormat. Usually I’d go to Hope when I’m feeling this bad in fear of doing something stupid, but to be honest I feel so bad that I’m too embarrassed to even go downstairs at the risk of having to see my family, never mind actually calling Hope and telling her, or worse making plans to tell her face to face.

I don’t want to tell anyone, and I think this is the first time I’ve been glad to have this way of telling someone; it gets it out my head somewhat, but I don’t have to feel judged. I don’t’ have to feel even more pathetic than I already am, than I always have been.

Life is shit. Love is shit. Everything is shit. I’m so bloody done with everything.

February 17^th 7pm

Had a surprise visitor today – yeah, I’ve still not left home – and, it wasn’t Callum, thankfully. It was Hope, she hadn’t heard from me since Sunday (not even a tweet or a Facebook status) so she had gotten worried and decided she’d pop her head in the door before she headed to work to see what had happened; and to make sure I was still alive.

I told her about Callum and everything that had went down and she just hugged me. She didn’t say anything, but she knew there was nothing she could say to stop it from hurting. She’s dealt with the destruction that Callum leaves in his path before, and she knows that nothing can fix it other than time.

The truth is though, and this is something that I didn’t tell her; I don’t know how much more time I can give it. This man – Ha! More like boy – has seriously fucked me over that much, and fucked my head up so badly that I don’t ever see a point where I won’t have a Callum shaped shadow hanging over my life. I’m done with everything and I just want to continue laying around in my bedroom feeling sorry for myself, because it’s the only thing that’s making me feel remotely human.

I haven’t eaten or slept since Monday, I can’t. My mind is just so all over the place and the pills aren’t helping. I don’t know what to do anymore and there’s nobody else to talk to other than you. I’m just so lost, and I was feeling lost before, but this has made it infinite times worse.

February 17^th 5pm

Just home from the hospital. Decided that I’d had enough yesterday morning, and while mum was at work decided it would be a good idea to empty out the medicine cabinet into my stomach; bad move considering I didn’t realised mum’s boyfriend was upstairs. He came downstairs about noon and noticed I was lying on the couch asleep, he had tried waking me and since I never woke up he called an ambulance. They managed to wake me up and took me to the hospital where I got my stomach pumped. Great. I wish he’d just left me where I was, because now not only do I have to get a home visit from a doctor every day, I also have weekly appointments to attend for the next two months with a therapist; all because I refused to stay in hospital.

I just don’t want to be here anymore, why can’t the realise that? No amount of ‘how are you feeling?’ meetings are going to change that. There is nothing in my life right now, nothing but self fucking pity.

February 24^th 3am

Can’t sleep, and since I haven’t updated you in a while I thought it might help to get some of the things that are in my head out on paper. Hope’s been popping in every day to see me, giving me pep talks and making sure I get the stupid notion to do something ridiculous out of my head. She means well, but in this current state I wish she’d leave me alone.

She’s on about me moving in with her for a week or two once the doctors are happy with my progress, she says that we can just be young for a bit and live life the way we used to before it all got a bit too hard.

Life has never been easy, but I’d say this is the hardest it’s got. You know every little thing that goes on in my head; if only you were really here so we could be besties and save the world together, eh?

I’m definitely going doo-lally, talking to a book as if it was a real person.

February 25^th 4pm
Suppose you are kind of real, I mean you’re the closest I’ve got to someone who I can share everything with… so I’m sorry about being mean to you last night, I guess. Do books even have feelings? (Yup, definitely mad…)

February 25^th 11pm

Spent the night with mum, just us two watching shitty movies together; it felt so good to just spend time with her without anyone else making it odd. I always take my mum for granted, I guess most people do; your mum is there from the second you’re born to look after you and care for you, and I guess sometimes you just forget that they’re a person that you can treat as a friend too.

Mum and I haven’t always seen eye to eye on most things, but I know that she loves me and I know she tries her best for me; she always has, even when I haven’t deserved it.

She’s been through so much, yet she’s the strongest woman I know. I hope I can grow up to be even half as strong as she is. She’s the best mother I could wish for, and I just wish I could spend more time making her realise that, but we’re not one of those touchy feely families, so it’s only acceptable to tell her how much I love her on birthdays, mother’s days and Christmases.

February 26^th 3pm

Had Doctors today, pleased enough with progress to stop the daily visits, but the weekly therapist visits need to stay. Meh.

February 27^th 3am

Hope stayed over last night. We had so much fun! It was as if we were 14 again. All the talk of boys (and girls, in Hope’s case), partying that we wish to accomplish and dreams we want to see come true.

I guess it’s kind of put me in the mood to concur the world, almost. Whenever we have those talks it always does, I swear Hope and I will save the world one day… just in our own little way.

 February 28^th 9pm

Just looking back over how much my life has changed in this month; March tomorrow, and I don’t hold out too much hope for it, but I guess it couldn’t really get much worse, could it?
Staying at Hope’s this week, so shall only be updating you when I can. She thinks that this is for the therapist, but we all know that you’re the only therapy that seems to work lately.

We’ve got a few pamper days planned this week, and then she’s having a house party on Friday, so hopefully being around people; new people at that, will give me some positivity. Not going to drink though, my stomach is still ridiculously sensitive. Here’s hoping… (Hoping at Hope’s ha! I am a punny genius)

March 6^th 9pm

Back from week at Hope’s today! Sorry that I’ve not written in a while, didn’t really have much to write about this week because anything that was on my mind was coming out to Hope. Had a great night last night, it was lovely to just catch up with old friends from high school and talk about real things.

No crazy antics, and no hangover – I had ONE glass of wine! So proud!

We started talking about online dating and I told them about what happened with ‘Lewis’. They were all disgusted; but the beautiful thing is that they all know Callum because we were all at school together! Some of the guys wanted to do the same thing to him, but of course sensible Hope was all ‘an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind’ etc. so they got told not to, it would’ve been pretty funny though!

Hope met her current partner on an online dating site, so we were talking about those and how they work. I’ve never seen Hope happier, so they obviously work depending on the people that are using it; you can’t expect your relationships to be a success or not purely based on how you met. So many people were saying how they would never use it – and to be honest, neither would I. I wouldn’t even know where to start!
“Hi, I’m Daisy – a depressed mess, but I’ll happily make you laugh while we drink tea and watch quiz shows”? SNAP ME UP, MEN EVERYWHERE. I’M CLEARLY THE CATCH OF THE CENTUARY.

March 8^th – 3pm

Got a letter from the local college today informing me that they’re now accepting applications for their courses… quite tempted by the photography course, but I’m not sure. I mean, am I really in the mind-set to learn just now – never mind meet a class full of new people. Don’t know if I’m ready to make that kind of decision yet. Will see how I feel in a few days.

Meetings with therapist are going well, but I’m still finding it easier to talk to people on the Don’t Lose Your Grip twitter; I mean this therapist may have had years of training, but there’s nothing quite like experiencing a mental health problem, that’s why I find it better to get help from other sufferers. Haven’t told the doctors that; doubt they would approve.

March 9^th – 7pm

Been taking sleeping tablets ever since my ‘incident’- they are a gift from the gods. I’ve been sleeping better than I ever have in my life, and I think that is helping me get my head together too. There’s nothing like being depressed, and then adding to that a couple of days’ worth of tiredness, any one would snap and I clearly have.

Been thinking a lot about where I want to take Don’t Lose Your Grip and I think I might make some phone calls in the morning and make some appointments with business people to see if we can come up with any ideas on how to make this work in order to raise some money for mental health charities. The help I’ve received since my ‘incident’ has been excellent, and everyone deserves the chance to have the opportunity of that kind of care.

March 11^th 11pm

Met up with Rachel today, she’s a woman who I interned with for a few months who is pretty well known in the local business scene and she suggested some coffee mornings to help raise money, so we’re going to get round to planning those in the next coming weeks! Exciting!

Spent some time with Hope today, we were talking about online dating again and she was saying that I should maybe sign up for a dating site and just take things slow to see if there’s anyone who really takes my fancy – doing it that way I’m in control and anyone I meet will be purely by chance so there’s no danger of it being an arse just trying to fuck with me. We’ll see, right now though I’m not in any mind-frame to start a relationship with anyone, I’m not prepared to put someone through this voluntarily.

Life has a weird way of making us realise what’s important. I used to think it was important to have as many people around me as possible, but these past few weeks have taught me that it’s more about quality than quantity; I have the most supportive people in my life, and I have taken them for granted for far too long. It’s time for me to grow up and realise what I’ve got instead of chasing what I don’t have.

Hopefully all this work with Don’t Lose Your Grip will help take my mind off of the stuff in my head, and if anything it should help me turn the experiences I’ve had into positives for other people, and myself. There’s no better feeling in the world than being able to help someone out.

March 13^th 6pm

Got a letter from work today (Ha! Remember that place?!) They’ve decided to let me go because they can no longer pay me sick money. Oh well, it’s not the biggest loss in the world. I didn’t ever really see myself having the confidence to return, especially after Sophie messaged me on Facebook saying that she had heard about my ‘incident’ and hoped I was okay. How was I ever going to face them again knowing that I has been the smoke break gossip topic for the past few weeks?

Why do people feel the need to spread my business around as if it’s the common cold? What goes on in my life, goes on in my life – not theirs! Ugh, people.

I’ll show them though. I’m going to change the world somehow, I don’t quite know how yet, but I can promise that I will. Been thinking about college a lot today and I think I’m going to finally take the plunge and apply for the photography course. I might not get in, but it’s worth a try. Who knows? Getting out of the house and learning might help my anxiety and it would certainly keep this old head busy…

March 14^th 2.15pm

Just sent off my application for college. Here’s hoping!

I recently made a blog, so I might change this entire thing over to there, but not until I’m feeling a bit more confident and open. I’ve found some wonderful people on Tumblr though, a lot of them are plus size fashion bloggers or plus size models and they really inspire me to get out there more and make more of an effort with the clothes I wear and how I present myself. I think that if I wore certain clothes that made me look confident, and then I could fake confidence until I had it. Fake it until you make it and all that…

March 16^th 11.45pm

Late one tonight! Spent most of the night talking to some fellow big girls about fashion and how difficult it can be to feel confident enough to where what you want to, despite not fully loving your body and it gave me some time to think about it. I wrote a blog about it, and decided that instead of transferring this entire thing over to there, I’d just write some of my important blogs in here as well as online. It doesn’t make any logical sense, but none of my life does. I guess I just really like this piece and want to be able to look back at it whenever I’m feeling really down.

“What gives people the right to comment on another person’s body? Society. What gives people the fear of wearing what they want to? Society. Who teaches us what is ‘right’ and what is ‘wrong’? Society.

That’s today’s biggest issue; the herd mind of the society we live in. If just a handful of people are fighting for change then it isn’t going to happen. We live in a society where it’s socially acceptable to judge people who think differently from us, but it’s not socially acceptable to be your own person and this has to change.

We wouldn’t be where we are as a society if it wasn’t for people who think differently. The great minds out there; Steve Jobs, Einstien to name a few… they thought differently and they changed the world. Okay, it may be a bit ‘out-there’ to compare these great minds to plus size people who want to be able to wear whatever they like, but if you really think about it – what if these people have ideas that could change the world but they’re so insecure that they don’t even have the confidence to wear a short hemline, never mind try to change the world?!

We live in a ‘free’ society that supresses people and their originality. It’s biggest irony I’ve ever known; a free society that’s supressed by its freedom.

What’s ‘normal’ now, wasn’t ‘normal ten years ago, and it won’t be in ten years from now. We need to realise that times change, that people change – and that this can only happen if we ourselves change.

Life isn’t about fitting in (to society, or those size eight jeans) it’s about being yourself and making a change to the world we live in for the future generations. I’ve been bullied all of my life because of my weight, and I want to stand up and speak out before I bring children into this judgemental world.

Here’s to originality; here’s to change. “

I don’t know if it’s a ‘good’ blog, but I thought that it had quite a positive tone and that writing it really put me into a positive mind-set. Hopefully it did the same for others too.

March 18^th 4pm

Got a letter through the door this morning from the college – I’ve got an interview for the course! So exciting. It’s not until June, but that’s okay because it gives me plenty of time to get some of my decent photos together, and hopefully that will help me when it comes to actually getting on the course.

Spending tonight with Hope. We’ve got a bottle of wine, money to order a Chinese and all night to gossip and catch up. I cannot wait. Feeling really good today, and hopefully nothing will be able to take me down.

March 19^th 7pm

Had an appointment with my therapist today – and guess what?! It was my final appointment with here. She’s so happy with my progress that she thinks I’ll be fine with controlling my depression with just medication from now on. I still need to go to monthly visits to the doctor to see how I’m getting on and to discuss said medication on a monthly basis, but I’m so glad that the therapy section of my treatment is over now. I’m so proud of myself, and how far I’ve come.

That feels odd to say, I don’t think I’ve ever really been proud of myself… Looking back on my life up until now, I’ve not really had anything to be proud of. I mean, there was the whole missing school for a year due to depression and then going back after that year and still passing all of the exams I took, but that was really by the skin of my teeth.

This is the first time that I’ve been proud of something that I’ve accomplished myself and that feels so good. Mum and dad are proud too, so I think we’re going to attempt a family dinner to celebrate… that won’t be too easy considering they haven’t spoken to each other since mum’s boyfriend came onto the scene.

I know for a fact that my dad is still in love with my mum, but with the way things ended, I’ve always known that they will never get back together. It was messy, hard and awful but I won’t go into it because that will just bring my mood down. That’s been spoken about a hell of a lot with the therapist, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it had to happen because otherwise I wouldn’t be the person I am, and for once, I’m proud of that person.

March 24^th 4.50am

It’s a very early one this morning… no idea why I’m awake. Just can’t seem to get back to sleep so decided that a wee writing session may get my head empty enough to sleep.

Going shopping today with Poppy and the kids, haven’t really spent that much time with them lately and I figure that while I’m feeling positive then it would be a good idea to spend time with them and catch up with my little Kenzie. He’s getting so big, and it’s just beautiful to watch him become his own little person.

I can’t wait to be a mum one day, simply because you get to watch this little thing become a person that you’ve helped create. My favourite things to do with Kenzie always include watching him learn something, I can’t wait to have kids and see them learn how to read and write, how to walk and talk… I just think learning is this magical thing that a lot of adults take for granted. It’s lovely to see a beautiful little mind become educated and become their own person.

I’m completely blethering now, can you tell that I’m tired? I don’t even have a partner and yet I’m here talking about how I can’t wait to become a parent. Don’t worry, I know about the birds and the bees, I’m just looking way into the future. There’s no chance in hell I’ll be becoming a parent anytime soon, I need to really sort myself out before that.

That’s probably my biggest fear when it comes to having kids; passing on this horrid disease to them. I’ve watched my mum suffer it, and I’ve also seen the pain she sees when I have episodes, and I couldn’t bear seeing my own kid go through that. I need to be the best possible person I can be before I even think about creating a life.

March 24^th 9pm

Got home from shopping at around 3pm, and since then I’ve been spending time with Kenzie. He’s staying over tonight so it’s good to get some quality time in with him. So far it’s been an evening of Thomas the Tank Engine and Peppa Pig… not the usual idea for a night of television.

Spent around £50 on clothes today, clothes that I would normally lust after for weeks but be too afraid to buy, but today I took the plunge and just bought them. Hopefully the world won’t end when I wear them… Or at least, my world won’t end.

Bought a floral skirt and black see-throughy top that is kind of leopard print. Got a blazer and some heels to wear with them too, so hopefully it’ll all go together quite nicely, now I just need an excuse to wear them! Must get in touch with Hope and try and talk her into having a house party, or even a nice little bestie night out. We’ll see!

March 26^th 8pm

Made plans with Hope! We’re going out tomorrow to the Rock Spot in town. Haven’t been there since that dreaded night in January, but I’m sure this one will be a lot better. Going to wear my new clothes and fake it until I make it with the confidence thing.

Who knows what will happen?

March 27^th 3pm

So excited for tonight, and I don’t even know why. Probably because Hope and I haven’t been on a proper night out since her 18^th birthday! It’s been two years – almost three. It should be a nice night, and who knows it could even end up being a nice morning depending on what time we decide to crawl home at!

Tried on my outfit all together and for the first time in years I genuinely felt beautiful, I didn’t even feel that fear in my belly about getting comments on what I was wearing; thanks to the internet for that. The beauty bloggers and DLYG family have made me more confident and I haven’t even met any of them in real life. The internet can be a wonderful thing, or an awful thing. I guess it depends on who’s behind the screen.

Speaking of people being behind screens, haven’t heard from ‘Lewis’ aka Callum since the incident, I think he may have got the hint that that is it for us. No relationship whatsoever, even a friendship would be possible with him. He’s so self-absorbed that he doesn’t even consider how other people feel, if only I had noticed that when I first met him then I would have saved myself a lot of time, effort and pain. But, everything happens for a reason and all that jazz.

March 28^th 12pm

LAST NIGHT WAS INCREDIBLE. It seriously was. It was even worth this terrible hangover that is currently gluing me to my bed. Good god, I love Hope. How did I ever get so lucky to have such an amazing best friend walk into my life?!

I want to tell you everything, but the only reason I’m awake right now is because my mum has been yelling at me since around ten to wake up and get ready for heading up to my grandad’s in half an hour, and considering I currently smell like a brewery I think it would be best if I went for a shower before we left so I’ll tell you all about it when I get back!

The night summed up in four words; INCREDIBLE, LOVELY, ALCOHOL & CONFIDENCE. More later! Xx

March 28^th 9.50pm

Not long back from Grandad’s house. Was really nice to see him, even if it always a little bit awkward because neither of us is the chatty kind. Found out today that he used to be a photographer, so it’ll be nice to have something we can bond over!

Anyhow, the important thing to get into here today is what went down last night! Hope and I arrived at the Rock Spot around 8pm, and we were already a wee bit tipsy by the time we arrived so we were in good spirits to say the least. We headed straight for the bar when we arrived, got our drinks and grabbed a pew at the bar and started talking the night away.

We were sitting at the bar for around two hours (inhaled around 6 drinks and had about ten cigarette breaks…) before the bar really started filling up and we were getting elbowed out of the way every five minutes with everyone trying to get their drink orders in. We decided that it would probably be a good time to move to a booth, or at least an actual table – issue being that while we had been sitting putting the world to rights, they’d all seemingly filled up!

We finally found one that looked empty – minus a few empty glasses, but who could blame the bar staff; they were all behind the bar trying to get everyone served. We sat down with our drinks and started talking about all the goings on of everyone we’d went to school with; blahblahblah is pregnant and soandso is working there – that kind of chat. We decided to take some photos together since it had been a while since we had got an up to date one and when we were looking back through them we noticed that the guys who were sitting behind us had decided to photobomb them with stupid faces.

Apparently the ‘faked’ confidence likes to rear its head after a few drinks and I ended up telling them that if they were going to do that then they should at least buy us a drink. – THEY DID! After they’d spent like half an hour at the bar getting the drinks they came down and sat beside us. They introduced themselves;

The first one was Adam. A blonde 23 year old from Edinburgh who was through visiting his friend Brandon (the second one…). Adam was a nice enough lad, and he was clearly smitten by Hope – who could blame him? Hope’s absolutely gorgeous, but she’s also probably had more girlfriends than he has so there was that.

The second one was Brandon, a dark haired, blue eyed, handsome-as-hell 23 year old student who happened to live in town. I couldn’t stop staring at him, he was just so easy on the eyes – and that wasn’t all he genuinely seemed like a lovely person too, we had a lot in common and he actually seemed interested in what I had to say, instead of what was under my skirt. It was… refreshing.

We sat with the guys for a good hour or so, before we both sneakily excused ourselves and headed for a cigarette. We needed to discuss this recent update – it was the first time we’d ever been out and BOTH had this kind of attention from two NICE guys. We decided that we’d just see how the evening went and continue enjoying ourselves without overthinking it. A first for us!

We headed back in and decided to buy the guys a drink to repay them for the ones they had bought us. Hope disappeared to the bar to do some shots with Adam, and Brandon and I got chatting. We really did have a lot in common; he’s a big fan of Marvel and general geekery and we were both music and movie lovers so we had a lot to talk about. Before we knew it, it was kicking out time at the Rock Spot; 3am! We had spoken for hours on end, and I thoroughly enjoyed his company. We headed outside in search of Hope and Adam and finally found them helping out some drunken girl who had fallen down the stairs. We helped them get her to her taxi and off she went. We said our goodbyes to the guys and thanked them for a nice night in their company and vowed to find each other on Facebook. I hugged Adam and then went to hug Brandon, and just as I went in for the hug I thought ‘stuff it’ and went to kiss him; he kissed me back and I’ve never felt a spark like that before with anyone, even Callum. We hugged, had one more peck and then we headed our separate ways.

Drunk and giddy in the taxi home, Hope and I discussed what a great night it was and then the taxi pulled up outside my house and I gave Hope my share of the taxi money and crawled in the door blissfully happy.

See why the night was so incredible?! I’ve not stopped smiling all day. I’ve not heard from either of them yet, but I’m not worried – what’s meant to be will happen and I’m happy to have just had a great night out with some great people. Now I think I’m off to bed, still with that smile firmly placed on my face.

March 31^st 8pm

What a day! Spent most of it with family, which was actually lovely. The family meal plan didn’t work, so we ended up having a day with my dad (we being Poppy and I) we took him out to get some lunch and shopping and then spent the rest of the day at his watching bad western movies and game show reruns. It was great, it felt just like it did when Poppy and I were younger and used to stay over at dad’s on the weekend.

I wish I could explain to my dad just how much he means to me, but we’re not that kind of family. He’s the strongest man I know, and any man that hopes to walk into my life needs to realise that he is who they will be compared to.

Speaking of men walking into my life… I got a friend request on Facebook today. Guess who it was?! Brandon! He sent me a message after I accepted saying;

“Hey Miss, it was lovely to meet you on Saturday. Had an absolute blast with you and Hope, hope you guys are well. The kiss was a great way to end the night, and it’s the reason I’ve had a smile on my face for the past few days. Finally found you on here; you’d be surprised just how many Daisy Lynton’s there are out there. Hope this isn’t too creepy, but I figured that we seemed to get on well on Saturday so thought this would be a good way to get to know each other even better.”

AH! We didn’t half get on well. Sent him a message back trying to play it cool, but he could more than likely tell that the message made me feel like a silly little teenager. Shall keep you updated on anything that happens!