I watched Phil make his video on his green and blue sheets that I've begun to love, with his genuine smile, and those stupid jokes that aren't even funny but make you laugh. In my head, I was on tumblr scrolling through porn and edits of Phil's face on mine. In real life, I was sitting. Doing nothing but staring at my friend attempt to make money for something he no longer wanted to anymore.

I'm not going to lie, I've stayed for the money. It's a lot of work, but I don't think I'd trade it for anything. (Maybe about 1,000,000 pounds). It gets harder to go out, to meet fans, to even talk to friends. We're known for being the best of friends, but we're not. We were at one point or another. It's the pressure. The constant reminder of how far we took this.

I rewatch our old videos, mainly Phil is not on fire and I can't help but cringe at the thought of a million people seeing that and wanted us to WooHoo with each other. I'm not going to deny the connection I believed we had in the beginning. But what I will deny is the rumors. I've heard that I'm secretly in love with him, that he's in love with me, that we're in love with each other, that Phil has a porn site, that I have a porn site. All crappy things.

We went out once. It was before YouTube. Before the fans appeared. Before our friendship became public. It was cool and all, but I realized that it would never work out. And I've denied it. And I will until I can't bear it anymore.