It's been a while. I haven't gone there in forever. Not that I haven't wanted to, but it's just been so hard since he broke my heart. It's been so hard to live without him, to see all of our memories in everything I do, everywhere I go, and not be able to do anything about it. That's why I haven't gone there. I haven't done anything that's reminded me of him in the longest time.

And if it's anything that I can't avoid - like merely eating my favorite food (which I changed thanks to him) or watching a movie - I just do my best to forget about it, to not think about the great times we used to have. Because the more I think about it, the more it hurts, the more I want to curl up in a ball and cry for the rest of my life. But that's not what I'm going to do.

I need to fix this. I need to move on despite how hard it is. That's why I'm here now, visiting Mother's grave. I used to come with him all the time, introducing him to her and pretending like she was still here. That's probably why I hated leaving him so much - it's like when he left me all the comfort and acceptance of her death has disappeared, so I suppose I'm also grieving for her on top of for the first love of my life.

I glance at the blue dandelions I have placed on her grave. She's always loved the color blue, and these were her favorite type of flower because she always felt like them - light, like she could fly away like their petals in an instant. Like she could have the petals abandon her and still be okay, still be happy, no matter what. I'm nothing like that, though. I can't bear the pain of abandonment - I suppose since I get too attached to things. Oh well.

 I look up as I hear a crack of a stick in the forest nearby. What was that? Is there someone else here? Usually every time I visit her there's no one here but me and Asher (though he left me - well, don't think about that now, Esmerelda, just get on with your life, it's time to move on). I spot a strange shadow moving between the trees. Why would anyone be doing anything shady at this hour? It's one in the afternoon. Sometimes I truly don't understand how people work.