The Domesticated Monster

 

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The Domesticated Monster

A guide to the 24 most suitable monsters to keep as pets.

Foreword

The word ‘monster’ has struck fear into the hearts of people around the world for hundreds of years. But in actual fact, very few people are ever attacked by monsters. Injuries usually occur when humans try to kill a monster or are mistaken for a food source (some monsters have very poor eye-sight). Most monsters in fact shy away from humans, and as a result are rarely spotted. An example of this was recently seen in Wellington, New Zealand, where a family was completely unaware that they had a nest of 23 Bandy Legged Stomples (the large, furry variety) living in their roof cavity, until they were discovered by an air-conditioning installer.

There are at least 190 known species of monsters in the world. They range in size from the poodle-sized Garden Gargoyle to the 30 metre long Three Humped Icthymorph, the most famous of which lives in Scotland’s Loch Ness. The legendary Kraken is at probably double that size, although no-one knows for sure. When your ship is being ripped apart and your crew devoured, the last thing you want to do is pull out a tape measure. The vast majority of monsters however, are somewhere between the size of a human and a hippopotamus. (The Green Polyform of the Americas can actually change its size and shape at will, and an individual can be anything from the size of a mouse to an elephant or even larger.)

This book is a guide to the 24 most common and useful monsters to keep as pets. Some species from the polar regions, equatorial jungles and the world’s undersea trenches aren’t discussed in depth (pardon the pun) – the main reason being that you are most unlikely to encounter one, nor want to keep one in your home. The aforementioned Kraken for example, would make a dreadful pet.

Each monster’s common and scientific names are included, along with its main distinguishing features.

Our fear of monsters usually stems from ignorance. Learn to understand them and you’ll develop a new respect for them. For example, the species most feared by children, the Three-toed Creeper, actually lives beneath the beds of small children, feeding on the urine and sweat that soaks through the mattress. Therefore they keep the underneath of the bed spotlessly clean. Their general shyness, coupled with their ability to flatten their bodies and camouflage against most mattress patterns, means that they are heard much more often than seen.

In fact, rather than removing monsters from the home, some should be encouraged to stay as they make very good and loyal pets, rewarding the owner with affection and protection. Some, like the Scaly Rat Eater (which will be discussed in volume 2) keep the home pest free. The Long-Tailed Imitator, once trained, will provide your children with hours of fun as it repeats sounds, words and actions.

This book provides all the information you’ll need to keep your pet monsters happy and healthy. Some require very little maintenance, while others need constant grooming, feeding and cleaning. Keeping monsters as pets can be very rewarding, but remember, a monster is for life, not just for Christmas (with the exception of the Whatsamecallit which only lives for seven days.)

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1: The Flatulot

Peeyoo peeyoo

If you are ever wandering through the western rainforests of Brazil and the fetid stench of rotten eggs hits you like a wet sports sock, you can be sure a Flatulot is nearby. This highly odorous creature is one of the few monsters you usually smell well before you see (the Flossoraptor is another). The offensive stink is a result of the monster’s dreadful flatulence problem, made worse by the fact that it has seven anuses.

The Flatulot can be trained to use its seven ‘blow holes’ to create a kind of methane fuelled musical. One Flatulot in Buenos Aires can supposedly ‘play’ the Argentinean National Anthem. If you train your Flatulot in such a way, never seat your audience downwind from the performance.

The Flatulot has been trialled as a weapon by several of the world’s armies with mixed success. The uncontrollable nature of the beast’s gaseous expulsions makes it extremely hazardous and difficult to transport. Another tip: DON’T take your Flatulot in the car, even with all the windows wound down. You will not make it to your destination.

As you can imagine, the Flatulot is an outside pet only. Do not bring it inside, or your home will be uninhabitable for several weeks.

You can’t slow down the Flatulot’s flatulence but you can improve its smell slightly. Put a couple of teaspoons of vanilla extract in your Flatulot’s food. It should be noted that this will only lower the offensiveness of its farts from ‘toxic’ to ‘totally rank’.

The Flatulot is easy to take care of as it requires minimum maintenance and eats almost anything. It almost doesn’t need to be said but never feed the Flatulot cabbage, onions, eggs or baked beans. And it your Flatulot ever suggests you pull its finger, don’t.

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2: Comatosa

Alotta Dozingus

If you ever see one of these strange monsters moving, stay as still as you can, because you will be privy to one of the rarest sights in nature. The Comatosa, when it feels even the slightest bit threatened, will go into a self-induced coma for weeks, months or even years at a time. This ability to ‘play dead’ is sometimes seen in other animals – snakes for instance - but never for longer than a few minutes. This unusual form of self defence makes it the Comatosa a particularly frustrating pet. Even after years in captivity, it can be startled into its inactive state by something as simple as a doorbell, alarm clock or even a sneeze. A family in Indonesia who kept a Comatosa for over 30 years report that the creature was only ever awake for a total of a day and a half in that three decades. At one point, the animal woke after nearly two years in a coma and passed wind loudly. The sound of its own fart scared it into yet another coma, from which it didn’t emerge for another two years.

On the flip side, the Comatosa is a very low maintenance pet and rarely needs to be fed. In fact, approaching the creature with food can often startle it into a coma.

In its comatose state it is often used as a doorstop, or worn as a scarf in winter.

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3: Green Polyform

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4: The Ugly Ugly

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5: The Arghhhhh.

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6: Giant Swedish Furball

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7: The Great Doofus

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9: The Mound Monster

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10: Bandy Legged Stomple (Long and Short Haired)

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11: The Gnaff

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12: Long Tailed Imitator

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13: The Lightning Lizard.

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14: Three-Toed Underbed Slider

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15: The Whatsamecallit

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16: The Invisiball

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17: The Hykle

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18: The Yorn

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19: Flossoraptor.

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20: Elastissimo

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21: Puffball

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22: The Quarl

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23: Yicketeeyak

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24: The Shocker

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