‘This outfit is killing me,’ I whispered to the guy next to me while trying to adjust my helmet.
When they fitted me into this, they assured me that it would eventually take in my body shape. That was 2 days ago and it was still too tight. Right now I had a craving for talcum powder. It had been quite a struggle trying to keep stride with the troops.
I leant over. ‘Hey did you hear me,’ I said knocking on his helmet.
‘Is there anyone home, hello!’
He slowly turned to me and finally spoke.
‘Hush, we are storm troopers now, we must remain quiet for Lord Vader is nearby, I can sense him.’
‘Oh he can’t hear us,’ I said quite confidently. ‘We’ve been standing her guarding this Millenium Falcon thing for hours, I need a break, of the toilet kind.’
During training, they were teaching us all this Force stuff, too bad they didn’t teach us bladder control stuff. The tightness of the outfit didn’t help either. I wonder who chose white of all colours. and how come our leader got to wear black.
I turned to the guy next to me again.
‘I swear if I don’t have a break, something else will.’
‘Why don’t you use the Force,’ he said with a slight chuckle and returned to his military stance.
Nobody liked a wise guy, it wasn’t my fault that I failed levels 2 and 3 of Force training.
I studied the other troopers, all standing in formation, their white soldier suits shone in the bright lights of this Death star hangar. Each one of them equipped with state-of-the-art blasters. Loyal to Lord Vader, loyal to the emporer, loyal to the empire.
I bet some of them were busting to go as well I thought to myself.
I looked back at this space ship we were supposed to be guarding. It looked much like a ‘piece of junk’. Either that or it was only half-built. Nevertheless it was no match for our tractor beam. Our squad leader warned us to keep a sharp eye out for Rebel stowaways. Some may have even left the ship without detection and were now somewhere running around the Death Star. I couldn’t understand why they would want to do that. I had a lot of trouble just trying to find the canteen during my first day here.
That was the day I accidentally walked into Lord Vader’s chambers while he was shining his helmet. Luckily he knew I was a rookie. But that didn’t stop him from ordering me to a week of Death Star main reactor cleaning.
Just then I felt another twitch as the urge to go to the toilet just went up another level. If I broke formation now, my movements would be tracked and who knows what punishment they would dish out to me next time. I knew I shouldn’t have drunk all that coffee at breakfast. Finding the Death Star canteen was not a good thing at all.
I hope these suits were water proof.
The idea of trying to sneak onto the ship to find a toilet did enter my mind but the ramp was too far away and I would be seen. Unfortunately the next watch wasn’t due for at least another 2 hours. I couldn’t last that long. I began crossing my legs slightly which wasn’t easy to do wearing a metallic uniform. The moments ticked by. The pressure grew and grew. It would have been much easier if they didn’t have gravity in this hangar.
Just then I heard a familiar sound coming from the far side. The sound of a light sabre. The last time I heard something like that was that same day I accidentally wandered into Lord Vader’s chambers. After he sentenced me to my punishment, he drew his light sabre and chased me out with it. Hey that was a day to remember.
Now I could hear 2 light sabres. We all turned to see Lord Vader sabre-fighting with this old guy in a dusty brown robe. They were really going for it. Hey this was much better than guarding this ship. We finally had some entertainment.
‘Hey that old guy’s not bad,’ I said to my fellow trooper. But he simply ignored me and looked on.
It was quite exciting, Lord Vader had finally found a sparring partner. They were trading blows, each not giving an inch, each displaying their great fighting skills, sabre lights flashing everywhere, wonderful.
Despite the battle before us, it didn’t help my current dilemma. I felt some seeping due to all this sudden excitement. I didn’t think I could hold on for a minute more, I felt sweat trickling down the inside of my helmet. Things were getting rather warm. This was it, the point of no return, I hope my suit was rustproof.
‘Everyone over to help Lord Vader!’ ordered the squad leader to the troops.
I couldn’t believe my luck. Perhaps the Force was with me after all. His timing was perfect, the troops began running towards the fighting while I held back.
But there was no time to loose, I had to disappear before anyone noticed me. I quickly looked for the nearest exit but they were too far away across the hangar, I would never make it in time.
What to do, what to do?
Like an Empire emporer lightning bolt, the idea struck me.
‘The Millenium Falcon,’ I said out loud to myself.
Without a moment to waste I ran up the ramp leading into the ship. Once in there I began a frantic dash looking for the toilet. I searched room after room, down corridors, tripping over loose wiring and machinery. ‘What a piece of junk,’ I cursed.
During this moment of desperation, I heard a yell of ‘NOOOOOOOO!’ coming from outside the ship, followed by an array of blaster fire and explosions.
If I didn’t find this toilet soon I would have an explosion.
I entered another room and even through my helmet, something smelt familiar.
Yes, the wonderful smell of toilet odour and disinfectant. I opened another door and there stood my destiny. After locking the hatch, behind me, I snapped open my suit and began experiencing bliss beyond comprehension. I could hear yelling and constant blaster fire coming from outside but nothing was going to spoil this moment of ‘peace in the galaxy’.
I was near finishing when I heard footsteps running around inside the ship. They must be looking for me, I should have known not to talk to that guy before. I bet he dobbed me into Lord what’s-his-name. But the voices were not that of storm troopers.
‘C’mon Chewie,’ the male voice yelled.
‘I hope the old man disengaged the tractor beam or this is going to be a real short ride.’
‘Ok hit it!’
At this stage, I thought it was best for me to get dressed and stay hidden. Damn rebels, I was trapped.
I tried to radio the troops down below but my signal wasn’t getting through somehow.
Damn rebels and their jamming dampening fields.
Why didn’t I pay more attention in the Force class levels 2 and 3?
I heard engines roaring and felt the rumble and shaking of the ship. The powerful thrust of the engines unbalanced me, sending me hurtling to the floor. My head crashed against the insides of my helmet. The ship was taking off, and with me in it! It did a 180 degree turn around and with another blast of its thrusters, we were in full flight.
I drifted off into unconsciousness.
Soon I woke to the sound of talking.
‘They’re tracking us,’ said a female voice.
‘Not this ship sister,’ answered the male voice.
If only they knew, I thought to myself as I shook my aching head.
I sat down to ride out the journey and hoped that I wouldn’t be discovered.
I cursed that darn coffee.