“Whew.” He said as I picked myself up off of the dirty floor and began to put my pajamas back on. “I knew we’d have some fun, but… wow.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it, too…” I replied.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” Here we went again. Every time we finished one of our “get togethers,” he pulled this. ‘It wasn’t that great,’ ‘I didn’t really enjoy it.’ Give it a rest. At least let me think I did alright. “It was good, but I didn’t really like it that much. I thought I might, but it looks like I’m just really not that into it.” Got it. This was typically my cue.

“It’s getting late…” I started. “Do you mind if I stay here tonight? I know it’s not really your style, but…”

“I’ve got to get up early in the morning and my bed doesn’t really fit two people. You should probably go. Let me check to make sure nobody’s in the hall.” And off I went once again; taking the oh-so-familiar route back to my dorm, passing by the school’s sprinkler system and trying not to get hit. Why the hell was this thing always on, anyway? Seriously. Was it really necessary to water the sidewalks nightly? 

Whatever. That wasn't important now. What was important was what just happened - to me, anyway. He had invited me over to his place... and rushed me off just as fast. I didn't even get a chance to finish before he bussled me out of his life... aain. God, how was I so stupid? Why did I let myself get used agin? I just felt dirty; unclean - like I needed to bathe away the memories and my personality. How could I be such an idi-"SPLASH". 

Right. The sprinklers. Those damn sprinklers. I'd somehow managed to walk right into the path of an oncoming, quickly-moving water stream. "Great going, Mikey." I mumbled to myself as I continue back on the path to my dorm. Now you're pathetic, used, AND drenched. 

Beep. 

Beep. 

Beep. 

Damn. Moday morning. Can't it be Tuesday? Hell, I'd even take Monday evening - just not Monday morning. Three times. THREE TIMES - I have to see him today. Our paths cross right after psych, then again before and after my sociology class. It's not that big of a deal; I mean, we don't even talk when we see each other in public. "Can't risk somebody assuming anything." Still, it stings a bit. 

Three awkward pauses in my day; three times I have to put on a smile or look towards the ground while acting like we're complete strangers. Damnit, James. Just talk to me. Say something - anything. "Hello." "I like your coat." "I'm secretly in love with you and can't express my feelings because the world doesn't tolerate anything outside of the social norm."  Okay; maybe not that one. But something, at least. Don't leave me in the dark. 

God, did this seriously have to be what plagued my mind every morning? This was beginning to become a daily routine. Actually, I'm pretty sure that this thought process was the reason I'd been late to my psychology class 3 times already. Sheesh; one more time, and my grade gets knocked down 5%. Shit. Maybe if I sprint, I can get there on-

Beep. [Incoming Message]

     James: We're good, right? You feel fine? 

Screw it. I'll skip this class. Maybe we'll get an actual chance to talk - a chance to truly talk. Maybe this will be the day when he starts to think of me as more than just a "fuck buddy" as he so happily calls me.  Good lord; Be still, my heart! Really, though; enough with the butterflies. God, these butterflies kill me every time. But why? Why the hell do I feel like this? I mean, there's no way I'm getting caught up in feelings with him, right? We haven't had any chance to really "get serious." It's just been sex. Maybe one or two deep conversations, but nothing too special.  Still, it's weird that I feel this every time there's even a chance we could talk. Could this be... No. This isn't 'love.' Not by a long shot. Not unless somehow I'd started seeing the 'most magical force on the face of the earth' different...  But there's no way that my mind started to view a cheap text message the morning after we hooked up as love.  Love is supposed to be waking up next to each other the next morning; taking a moment to notice sleepy faces and dreaded morning-breath. It's the act of leaning over just to give a kiss and say "we've got to get up" followed by a slight chuckle, right? Love is the two-sets-of-feet-in-the-shower, two-cups-of-coffee-together, two-peas-in-a-pod lifestyle. There's no way a "you're not getting all weird again and you aren't too sore" text is love... 

Beep. 

     James: Hello?... Right? No issues? 

No time to think about this now. I should probably write this off as nothing, right? Right. No way this is anything more than some momentary confusion of emotions; and if it is, there's no way he's going to keep this going on again. One step at a time. I'm fine. 

     Mikey: We're good. I feel fine and I'm not ogling over you, so that's a start. Right? Haha. How are you feeling?

     James: That's good. Look... it was fun and all. But I think we should stop with all this. Cut the benefits out. Just friends. I know I asked you over, but this is for the better. 

Strangely enough, I'm not surprised. This again? Every time. Every single time, without fail - that's how this worked. He'd screw me, feel guilty, refuse to talk to me for at least a week, get horny again, and then start from phase one. Just like clockwork. Given, that didn't make it hurt any less, but that's life. My life, at least. 

     Mikey: Yeah... That's fine. Friends works out cool. Let's start it right this time. Just friends - lunch today? 

     James: ... You know that's not how this works. I mean, I'm here if you need something, but we can't just become best buds overnight. What will people think?  I've got to go shower. See ya' around. 

     Mikey: Gotcha. 

Well... so much for that. Ha. Did I really think we'd talk this out and make a happily ever after out of a midnight fuck-session? Screw it. I need to drop this; get my mind away. Get out of my room. Run to class or something...

Oops. Forget that one. No class now -I'm late enough that walking into the lecture hall means sudden death... So I'm left here in my room with nothing to do but think about that asshole. Why the hell wasn't I good enough for him? It's not like he's not really into it all. I mean, the way he acts around me hints around a bit. Straight guys don't  tend to get as active as he does when it comes to the two of us in a bedroom... Speaking of which, did I not screw good enough? Was I too 'clingy?' What made him want to use me and lose me so many times?!

Beep. [Incoming Message]

     Danielle: Please tell me you skipped class this morning. Mine got cancelled and I do NOT want to walk back to my apartment.

Saved from my own mind by Danielle. To this day, I cannot put into words how much I love this girl. My best friend and confidant through my entire trials and tribulations with James. In fact, that's kind of how we became friends. I came out of the closet to her when James started texting me, asking for pictures.  She is the closest (and practically only) companion I keep, and perhaps the most loving individual on earth. This girl keeps me sane more than she'll ever know. 

     Mikey: I'm here. Come on over. 

     Danielle: Good... Because I'm kind of already in the lobby. Come let me in. 

Of course she was. Danielle always had this sort of... habit of coming over unannounced. 

     Mikey: Give me 5 seconds to put pants on, and I'll be there.

                                                                 *****

I'm so thankful to have had much-needed Danielle time. That girl could brighten my mood any time she pleased. It didn't matter if I'd had the  worst day in the world, she could make it better. She needed to have a good rant about how much she hated her cancelled class and the assclown of a professor she had. Her incessant jokes and constant snarky remarks brightened my mood greatly. I was just happy to get my mind off of him for awhile. Ugh. Speaking of him - We'd be crossing paths in the next 10 minutes. I wasn't about to miss sociology. Skipping one class - shame on me... But skipping two?!  Might as well just schedule myself a meeting with my advisor already. "Inexcused absences will not be tolerated and will be dealt with accordingly."I could recite the handbook directly.  The school wasn't too appreciative of anything less-than-perfection. 

Alright. Anyway. Time to pump myself up. Seeing him in person and not being able to say a word... was rough every time. It felt like a sharp pain stabbing through my abdomen; like a lightning bolt of negativity and regret surging through my thoughts. "You can do this." Right. Louder. Mean it.  "You. Can. Do. This." Good. "He's nothing more than a dog. You deserve better." True... right? I deserve more than this? Of course I do... I think. That'll have to do. I've only got five minutes until class. Just enough time to walk across campus to class. 

Sure enough - just as I'm walking up the steps to the door - He walks out. James. In all his wonder. Scruffled hair. Fleece Jacket. Blue jeans and baseball cap. Thin, but not a twig. Smile on his face that could brighten the world. Amazing green eyes that are as clear as - wait. I can see his eyes. Shit. That means he's looking back... so much for a smile. Whoops. That faded fast. What to do? Quick. Look down. Just act like I wasn't staring and it's fine. "Hey..." I mumble as he passes. Silence.

Great going, Mikey. He caught you staring, you acted like a weirdass, and then, on top of everything else, you chose to try to make a conversation? Smooth. He's really going to go for me now. Did I really have to act like a fool every time we were near each other in public? Did he really have to have that effect on me? What happened to "You can do this" and "He's nothing more than a dog"? 

Beep.

Beep. 

Beep. 

Ugh. Monday. Again? How'd it get here so fast? I mean, where'd the weekend go?