by Dominique’ Jade

The thought of going outside makes my stomach knot up and makes me believe that I might see what I ate for lunch again. I suddenly feel a cold shiver run down my spine and a chill over my entire body.

I just want to be part of the outside world. I've been in this apartment building for over two years and everytime I try to leave, I feel a huge weight on my chest. And I get tunnel vision. My breath becomes shallow and a panicked feeling overwhelms me. It always ends in me running up three flights of stairs back into my home and into my bathroom. I hide in my large tub for a number of hours curled up in a ball trying to breath normally again. Once I regain normality, I tend to make myself some tea and go talk to Brian (my neighbour who goes shopping for me whenever I need something).

With these thoughts already places in my mind, I walk into my kitchen and make myself some tea.

And I quickly call Brian to see if he's home. Luckily he answers after the third ring.

"Hey Danny, what's going on?"

"Oh nothing much," I say,"Are you busy?"

"Nah, just listening to music and relaxing. Would you like to come over?" he asked.

"Sure! I'd love to! I'll just finish making my tea and then I’ll be over."

We hang up and I feel my heart start to beat a little faster than it normally does and I sit down. I can hear the kettle whistling so I quickly get up and make tea for the both of us, taste it, and head over to Brian's place.

Walking toward the door with two mugs in one hand and my notebook and pen in the other I take long, deep breaths and finally open it. I rush over to Brian's door and knock three times and wait for him to let me in.

“Danny! Come in, come in!” he says as he takes one of the mugs out of my hand “How’s the tea?”

“It’s quite different and interesting. I haven’t decided if I like this tea or not.” I said while staring into the burgundy colored tea in my mug.

We were sitting on his couch enjoying the tea I made and chatting when all of a sudden he brought it up. He brought up going outside. Brian wanted me to go outside.

“I think you should really try today. I have a good feeling about it.” He said breaking the short silence.

“That’s what you said last time, Brian.”

“Yeah, but, this time I really do. Last time I thought it was just a good idea.”

“Just so you know, I now question everything you say.”

“Yeah, yeah, I knew you would. Just trust me. This time I feel like you might get outside.”

“I just feel like today isn’t the day.”

“Well if you really don’t want to then, I suppose, you don’t have to try. You’ve got to be willing to go outside or else you’ll never get out there.”

We sat in silence for three minutes. Brian sipped at the tea while I had my eyes closed and began the process. I began taking deep breaths while gripping the mug for dear life. He could tell I was going to try today. This is what I do every time. I knew a small grin was growing on his face while I had my eyes closed. He likes when I try to leave. I don’t exactly understand why, but it seems to make him happy. One more minute of slow deep breaths and I would be ready to try.

I heard Brian set his cup down on the coffee table and then get up and walk away. As I opened my eyes he was returning with his shoes in one hand and a pair of socks in the other. I slowly stand up and walk toward the door. I have a feeling that it might work this time. Turning the knob and opening Brian’s front door makes me feel nervous. Once the door was open I stop, right in the center of the doorway. Standing there, I imagine the hallways expanding and the stairs moving further and further away.

I began walking, quickly toward the stairs.

I feeling the urge to get outside growing stronger inside of me.

I will go outside today.

I know it.

I’ve never had this feeling.

This… this strong of an urge.

It will happen today.

I am now running down the flight of stairs. No longer in control of how my legs are moving, I race down one flight of stairs and almost bump into an elderly man and his wife. I mumbled an ‘ I’m sorry’ as I kept running knowing I couldn’t stop now. I had to keep moving. Just one more flight of stairs and I’m there. I feel the speed of my run pick up during the last flight. I stop, dead in my tracks, in the middle of the hallway as if someone pressed pause. I stand almost ten feet away from the door and slowly walk toward it. I stop, again, a little over three feet away and stare. I hear Brian walk down the last few stairs and I turn to look at him. Just to get that reassuring look, that look that tells me ‘You can do this.’ I try steadying my breath as I turn back and look at the large white door.

I can do this. I know I can.

“Okay,” I say, “I’m ready.” I can feel my palms getting clammy and my heart rate quickening.

“Are you sure?” Brian asks me hesitantly.

“Yeah. I can do this; I have to do this now or else it will never happen.”

“Alright buddy, just take your time.” Brian says to me in a comforting, supportive tone. It kind of reassures me even more that I don’t have to do this right now. I feel like everything is going to be okay. I feel calm.

I was ready. Slowly, I raise my right arm to place it on the door knob. It felt like eternity was passing by me. I could hear Brian’s breath from behind me. Slow and deep.

Right as I was about to pull the door open, I hear footsteps from behind me. There’s a woman, her husband and a small child walking down the last flight of stairs. Damn it! I feel my heart race even faster. My head starts hurting and the room starts spinning. Uh oh, this cannot be good. I know this isn’t good. I get tunnel vision and all I can see is the door knob, my arm, and my hand. Maybe I should just stop now and run back to my apartment. I hear a light cough come from behind me and I know it’s the couple, possibly the wife getting impatient. But it made this even harder to accomplish.

I close my eyes while Brian mutters something sharply. I knew they were getting aggravated by the tone the husband responded with. I feel my fingers uncurl from around the doorknob and my arm fall to my side. I sigh and Brian knows I’m not ready tonight. So I back up five steps to my left and open my eyes. I lower my body to the ground and close my eyes again. I turn around and curl up in the corner. This is so embarrassing! I’m a grown man, who cannot leave his apartment. My heart pounds and my chest heaves, like someone was taking a hammer to my head. I clutched my legs and put my head on my knees.

The couple and the child walk past me and out the door. And I was stuck here, on the ground, inside an apartment building. Unable to open a door.

“Maybe today just wasn’t the right day.” Brian says in a sullen voice from behind me.

“Maybe, but, I think… I think I want to try again.” My heaving becomes faster and stronger. I know that today is different. Today’s the day this has to happen.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I have no choice.”

"You shouldn’t rush into it.”

“How am I rushing?”

"By now you’re normally back in your apartment in your tub.”

“That’s just it, Brian, that’s why I feel like I have to do this today. I’ve never made it this far. And stayed here for so long. Today is different.”

"That might just be what’s supposed to happen. Maybe today was different to get you ready to go outside.”

“Maybe, but I want to try at least one more time.”

“Alright man, if you really think so.”

“I’ve come this far, I know I can do this.” I say while turning around to stare at the closed white door.

I notice the little girl that was with the couple staring at me from the window next to the door. She was staring at me with these big blue eyes and I couldn’t look away.

I walk toward the door and place my hand on the knob once more. Turning the knob I can tell this is in fact the day I breathe in fresh air.

I could feel my arm moving the door ever so slowly closer and closer to me. And then. Air. A gust whips my hair against my face and I know I’ve done it. I smell the fresh air dancing in my nose, feel the breeze all around me.

“DANNY! You opened the door! That’s so amazing!”

“I knew I could do it!” I say with a smile on my face.

“The hard part is over; all you’ve got to do now is step outside.”

“Yeah,” I say with a hint of hesitation and excitement in my tone.The door is wide open and I can feel the fresh air dancing in my nose as I breathe in. Hear the kids playing down the road. See the large roots of the tree cracking through the cement walking paths that lead to more of the world.

“Hello world.” I finally yell with a smile on my face. I close my eyes and move one foot forward and step down. I keep moving my feet with my eyes shut and nearly fall down the steps. “Ah!” I let out in shock. I forgot those stairs were there. The child giggles and it widens my smile even more. I look down and it finally hits me.

I’m outside! I am no longer stuck in an apartment building! I’m finally free!

I can hear Brian from behind me. He’s dancing up and down not talking, like he's afraid he'll ruin it.

And then it hits me. A wave of nausea, chest pains, racing heart, sweating. All at the same time. I run down the last two stairs just in time to throw up in the bushes.

“At least I’m outside.” I say with a smile. And then laughter erupts from the both of us and we can’t help but laugh at what just happened.

I watch the little girl skip down the stairs and off to catch up with her parents, and I’m happy. I’m happy that I can begin living a new life. I want to run a mile! I want to go swimming! I want walk a dog! I don’t even have a dog! I just want to be outside and never have to be stuck indoors.

That worried feeling is still present. What if when I go back inside I’ll never be able to leave again? What if this is my last time outdoors. What if this is just a cruel joke my mind is playing on me? I cannot stay inside. I don’t want to go back inside. I just know that I can’t. I’m too worried to go back inside right now, so I run. I run far and fast.

“Where are you going?” I hear from a voice shouting at me. I can’t even respond. I just keep running. I think about all the time I spent inside. All the things I’ve missed out on. The life I didn’t have and how I can start doing things now.

I can walk to the market to get groceries. I can ride a bike at night just for fun. I can skip in the middle of the road if I felt like it. I can do anything I want now I can go into my office and actually work with people. I can finally have a dance party in the park, or just hula hoop at the park; anything having to do with me being outside to be honest.

I keep running and I can feel the wind whoosh past me and through my hair; getting caught in my jacket and going through my jeans. And I feel happy.

“Hey! Wait up!” I hear Brian yell from behind me.

I turn my head to see him running to catch up. I let out a small laugh and trip over a crack in the road. I stumble but regain my balance and keep running. I trip again and this time I roll my ankle. I feel my body begin to fall toward the ground and know there is no way of stopping it. So I fall and hit my head on the ground.

Everything goes black.

My leg spasms and I slowly open my eyes to look around. I'm in my bed, in my room, in my apartment. Still inside and my heart sinks.

Was that just a dream? I look at my clock and notice that it’s only six forty-two in the morning. I rub my eyes, roll over in bed, and sigh as I try to go back to sleep.