Waves in my Heart

 

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Preface

People have been always craving to feel. To fall in love and to have someone fallen for them. To be someone’s madness. To desire and to be desired. To find that ‘wild soul’ making them feel the way they would have never felt otherwise. There is no need to push. The pure soul that reconnects with yours so naturally. And what happens then? Let me tell you. Your normal routine is set aside. And the surprising thing is you never mind it to happen. From now on there is no other way but to follow what is happening. Right here. Right now. The things that remain unchanged, the conflicts that remained unresolved and the problems that have not disappeared yet. The angle you see them from is not that sharp anymore. And from now on that wild soul starts to bring the best out of you. And I don’t mean a sense of maturity or better manners but the fearless you who are willing to take risks. Just fall for that moment. Embrace every single second of it. You start living now.

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Introduction

Have I ever loved? Well, it’s your turn to guess. Was the story I am going to tell you real? Or was it just me who’s mind made everything up reacting to the tenderness of the night and the level of caffeine in my blood? The story of my heart that has only two settings: nothing at all or too much. You will never know for sure. Do you even need to know that?

Like many other stories, this one was very unlikely to happen. But it did. It made its way into my life with an unpredictably high pace. Like a number on the roulette wheel you would never bet on. Like an ancient tree putting down its roots through the ground. It reached even the deepest layers. It felt like something so valuable, so mature. But was it even real? Or was it just me who opted for the self-deception to satisfy myself? Isn’t it call love? What is love? Are there different kinds of love?

 

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And everything before feels like another life

Time flies but memories do not seem to fade. I was surprised when he got in my face for the first time. The wonder came across immediately. Was it a pure instinct to get curious about something that was so new to me? Well I do not like to stay unaware. When he appeared on the horizon for the second time, I was sitting behind a huge glass wall, making a very decisive division between those who tried to get some work done, and those who believed that their efficiency is much higher when the noise is there. And again, he became so unreachable. He was prohibited from the silent study. His smile was louder than the voice of a crowd. That smile and the wrinkles it sprinkled across his eyes. Shamming the right amount of disinterest was key in that game. I was sure I sucked badly in that one. Let’s be honest. I haven’t even been trying. It happened again and again. As soon as thoughts about him dimmed themselves, he managed to recover them so easily by appearing in the middle of nowhere. If I could only squeeze my memory, I would’ve. But I became so irresistible. You know what is the difference between spiders and feelings? Spiders are easy to squash. Feelings aren’t.

I was shaking being around him for the first time. But before that I was shaking even more trying to find a way to approach. It took me a while to make a decisive plan. What does it really take us to reach a complete stranger? Maybe all of us are just in a constant search. Looking for some meaningful connections that ought to justify why it hasn’t worked out with other people ever before. I didn’t know what to expect from a guy wearing a hat and shorts no matter what the weather was like. Like really? There was no logic behind that. After a couple of weeks, I was truly shocked and thrilled when I realised that he lived in the building next to mine. I always believed in the concept of coincidences. And that time I fully enriched it. I could see his window from the main corridor. He always kept his curtains open and I liked that.

Once I was on my way back from the library. One of my favourite time of the day when a pure light shadow precedes the dark gloom. The scarlet lurid sun is fighting its way until it is fully devoured by the black obscurity. The clear night sky left in confrontation. The time of the year when the marketing geniuses make us think, talk and prepare everything for the upcoming Christmas holidays. I wanted to get some lights for my room but I couldn’t find the right ones. The amazon wasn’t a great help. Even google doesn’t seem to always give you answers you need. And then guess what? I was passing his window as I did every single day. But something was new. I saw the same tree in a peach colour pot. I saw his cute notes and reminders on what was needed to be done. Everything was so organized and tidy. I was trying to figure his name out from a tiny business card on his desk. But I never did. Everything was the same way he liked it to be. But the lights. The lights hanging on the ceiling and gently looping down the green giant on the windowsill. Maybe the tree gave so much life to his room. Maybe the lights gave the room the warmth that I needed. The same lights I couldn’t find anywhere. And the decision was just out there. The same minute it crossed my mind and have never left since.

Christmas was already in the air with all the attributes ordered from amazon. The TV adverts were out leaving people with no choice but to fulfil their trays with a million of cards and presents. The most ‘sparkling time’ of the year I would call it. And I decided to add even more sparkles.

***

I never knew that a single post-it note could change someone’s life. That time it changed mine. A yellow piece of paper created by the American scientist Dr. Spencer Silver was a failure to develop a super-strong adhesive. Let me just point it out. A scientific accident may easily become someone else’s safety net. That one became mine. Trust me you don’t want to know how many drafts I made. But at some point, I gave up trying to figure out the best way my hand writing could be. “Hey! Text me”. My phone number followed with a tiny smiley face at the bottom. His window was open so I just put a note on the opposite side of it (thank you Dr. Spencer Silver) so neither the wind nor curious strangers could ruin my plan. If someone saw me doing that they probably thought I was mad. But I was too excited to consider anyone’s opinion really.

The whole day went under the caption “too excited to do any kind of work”. It happens quite often especially during exams time when you are more enthusiastic about laundry using it as a solid excuse to escape from revision. That day it was all about group work. The one thing at university I hated the most. Maybe the God just saw my struggle and I got a push notification around 6pm. Of course, he was scared. Apparently not so many people put post-it notes on someone’s window. Well, it was my first time.

***

It was so smooth from the very beginning. You know the moments you feel yourself being in a movie. One of those sweet comedies like ‘Love actually’ or maybe the one called ‘How to lose a guy in 10 days’. The same moment you catch yourself smiling every single time your phone vibrates. And most of the songs and poems eventually become relevant. The moment music starts following whenever you go. The same moment you stop having control over yourself. Over the tempting impulses emanated from the deep of your heart. The level of your tenderness, your pure self is at its highest. It feels like a giant vapour engine.

As I was walking to his place I thought about the reasons we end up doing some things and choose not to do the others. The latter was far more reaching. The minute I saw him under the pouring rain that night I knew I was on it. The same minute I decided to be 100% honest and to unwrap my true self, holding his caramel latte in my cold hands. It was a ‘black hole’. There was no way out of it. But I was irresistible. I thought he was everything I ever wanted. But the fantasy doesn’t seem to last forever no matter how hard you are willing to try. The same fantasy covers itself well enough for you to believe that it was your reality, whereas the reality was a lot more messy and gritty than that.

I was the one who started that game. The one to press the ‘eject’ bottom being completely unaware of any consequences. He was too different from the crowd. I was too curious too leave it as it was. He smiled a lot. I wanted to know the reasons. He was tall and his sun kissed skin perfectly combined with the golden shade of his warm brown hair. Every time I saw him I had a feeling that once I get closer, the ocean breeze will bump into my face. The sand will gently pour down my salty hair, rubbing the skin. And the waves will eventually cover my whole body. It may be cold when you step into the water. But the deeper you go cutting the azure ‘canvas’ the more intense are the flows. It becomes warmer and softer with every step you take towards them. You just lose yourself to feel the lightness.

***

We all do that. We divide our life for the summer and the rest of the year. For the time we love and for the time we don’t. It seems to be so distinct. The way we feel. The way we act. The former appears to bring the best long-lasting memories and pleasure. Which is particularly useful if the rest of your year is pretty shite. He became my summer. English weather was known to be unpredictable so no one wondered when it happened in September. How long was it going to last though? Make another guess.

***

Half English half Italian. The perfect combination from a little English county in West Sussex. He lived next to the sea and maybe that was where he got his blue eyes from. He wanted to move to Australia so badly. Cannot remember him mentioning his favourite drink but he could not resist chocolate eggs for sure. To be honest, I would never even accept the thought of falling for something under the caption ‘British’. I wasn’t impressed by his sense of humour either. But we still had moments of unstoppable laugh.

P.S. Watch the Bert Kreischer’s stand-up show about joining the Russian mafia. It was one of those moments.

***

It was hard for him to talk and to be sincere in a way. Like most English people, he asked me if I were ok every single time he got a chance to or when silence was too much for both of us to handle. He liked partying and he got drunk pretty fast. Being from a country where a lot of architecture looks like Downton Abbey, he was ridiculously polite and apologised a lot. At least he didn’t like Doctor Who. Well, hopefully he didn’t.

But let me move to the Italian part. You know they always say that Italians are all about ‘La Famiglia’. It was the case. Going through his family photos I was so jealous. The truth was I wanted to be part of it. I imagined myself among those lovely happy people enjoying the Sunday brunch on the back garden. He went back to his town every Friday. He loved those family weekends. The police academy gradiate, he tried to safe people’s lives in the sea being a lifeguard in the Royal National Lifeboat Institution. And he did. He failed just once when I found myself floating in the middle of the ‘ocean’ called misunderstanding. It was my own fault. I decided to conquer the storm despite any given warnings. But when we risk it we still hope that if the boat crashes, someone is going to find and rescue us. Right?

Soon enough I found out that he was a surf coach. Of course, he was! He had a motorbike. He smelled like a coconut oil and the boundary between his tanned skin and the black leather jacket was so blurred. You know when you get your morning croissant and instead of being almost empty it is filled to the brim with the chocolate cream. Each bite brings so much pleasure. The temptations are higher. And sooner or later you are not able to resist anymore. You always choose the same path but to unintentionally find yourself in the confectionary again.

***

I wanted to believe that the thing between us was special. He has managed successfully to hide almost every single bit of that passionate and expressive mentality. His emotions. His feelings. Everything I’ve been trying to reach. But well he failed to cover that handsomeness. And it took me a while but I saw his real self. And it was beautiful. The circumstances to make it happen were not the ones I was dreaming about. But maybe it wouldn’t have happened otherwise. I started to notice cracks in whatever we had. I was sure about us. He wasn’t. I knew that but I really wanted to be wrong. I was trying to write every red flag off. Even after the first ‘serious’ talk that we had.

***

He texted me the other night and we decided to meet up somewhere other than his room. The coffee shop was always full of people and I could barely hear myself. We always met in his room. That was the first red flag to notice. Or was it the time he asked me not to fall for him? How can you even ask for anything like that? What if I was already into it? And whenever I wanted to know the true reason behind that solid ‘wall’ that he has successfully raised, he used to beat around the bush. I might give up some things, but I never give up on people. I was so ready to wait and to give him the time he needed. And the only thing that was on my mind was “Shh. Just go with it!” Thus, I accepted the fact that it might not be the love from the first sight, but the one when you are growing in love. And I would want to know what was it for him really. I would have asked him if I could.

***

It happened. Somehow, I was neither surprised nor was I ready for that. But he did something that goes pretty well with the ‘casual’ relationship. The thing is, people who ask you not to fall for them would not even consider such a thing as a betrayal of any kind. But it still hurts.

Once an Ali Landry (American actress) said:

Chocolate is not cheating. After a salty meal, you need a bit of sweet. This is living. Not cheating.

But if so I wanted to know what was so ‘salty’ about me?

Both us took one step backwards trying to figure some stuff out. The same time I was asked for a date and I said ‘yes’. Not because I wanted to, but because I needed to escape. We went to a nice bar in a buzzy city centre. A couple of glasses of wine. It was one of those secret bars in East London where you had to call ahead to make a reservation. Then it will probably take some time to find the unmarked door to get in. The bar was pimped out with the vintage spirit posters, the red neon signs. A couple of glasses of wine. Pinot Grigio with its refreshing pear and apple scents muffled my worries. The delicate accents of blossom gave me the ‘punch’.

The date went great. And the guy was very nice. But I wanted to scream. I wanted to go back to the one I have been trying to run away from at the first place. I wanted to tell the whole world that he was my choice. I wanted to go back and to tell him what have I just unintentionally done. I wanted to tell him that he was the one I wanted to travel with. The one to wake up and to make the ‘grab everything in the kitchen’ breakfast with. The one I became so fearless and so ready to discover the unknown part of myself with.

Thinking about that day now, I know that I could only blame myself for not being realistic enough. But, how could I? Both of us made the wrong steps. I don’t blame him at all. Because I kind of accepted the status of ‘not falling in love’. But did I really have that choice? Assuring him that I understand the concept of the ‘wrong timing’ and accepting all the rules? Or opted to squelch my feelings to avoid the pain? Had I had to make the same choice over and over again, I would have gone for the former.

***

Once Vincent Van Gogh said that there was nothing more truly artistic than to love people. And when you do, everything becomes art: the way you dress, the morning showers. Even your Friday grocery list becomes art. I didn’t care much about the food shopping, but a single Christmas present. It has stuck in my head and marked itself as a number one world problem I was the only one to be aware of. I just wanted to give something worth 1000 words.

Let me just reassure you that when it comes to me, the timing is always wrong. Maybe I am just that type of a person, but when I meet someone for the first time, I can never control my emotions, neither can I ever concentrate on anything else but sitting there and counting hours. Thus, the chance of me going an extra mile to prepare myself for a very important job interview, or going through revision notes is equal zero. And only now I changed. Because it will never work out that way. But I didn’t know it that time. Somehow, come rain or sunshine, the more stuff is stressing me out, the less do I care. I don’t have any worries, but a single thing going through my whole body: ‘What if?’. So, that time I just thought what if a single present could change our relationship? For the better or for the worse. And I didn’t want to fail on that.

***

I felt it once in my life and I was thankful that it happened to me again. It was the first time I didn’t want to leave the UK border. It just felt right to stay. What was the possibility of me considering staying in the UK for Christmas a couple of years ago? The possibility would equal zero. I was always the one begging for the early ticket with the sole purpose to leave England as soon as possible. I thought that my life was back home. And only now I realize that the home is where I am. My soul is not ready to settle down yet. It is much easier to find the right people then the right place. But the right place is always going to be the wrong one unless the latter follows.

***

It is amazing how the same things appear to be different as night and day. The truth is, we live for the people we love. Always. And whatever we do, we do either to find them, to keep them or to simply make them happy. I think I disregarded the power of my own feeling. It was the strongest, the most solid and stable thing I have been ever present to. Yet, it was the purest of its kind.

***

I was grateful for knowing some of his dreams. I liked when he shared some intimate thoughts bothering his mind. His family stories, his imperfections the way he saw them. Everything he shared with me made me feel that our souls became pulled closer together. Did he even know that my love made me blind? Or does the love makes us more vigilant so that we can easily overlook any defects?

I wanted to show him that I became a collector of his words. Things that mattered to him became important to me. We lived different lives but I was curious to find out his way of doing stuff; not to substitute my own routine, but to complement it.

I found myself wandering on the Oxford street, when I saw that one shop. I thought that that one might have caught his attention. I think I was even right treating everything as a way of fate to reach out to me. That’s why I have been always the one to shake the magic ball waiting for the ‘Yes’ answer. Or the one who got very excited giving a chance to pull out a fortunate cookie.

And only those who love with their heart and soul, are able to relate the way the moon shines at night or a number of the golden sparkles on their toffee fudge latte, to the feeling that grows inside them.

***

My mind was blown up with the idea of moving to Australia for the sole reason that it just felt right. Then I met him; the one who woke up before the sunrise. The one who wanted to catch the morning breeze and to conquer waves. The one with whom everything felt right. The fact that he loved Australia was the first sign. Unaspiringly, Australian sales assistant became a second kind of omen. A guy in a hat who had something I was missing. The courage to do things I was scared even to try.

Back to the shop, the guy who was willing to help me looked a bit Mexican. He was very tanned and his expressive black eyes were the first thing to notice. His long eyelashes seemed to cause a hurricane somewhere in the world every time he blinked. He was very friendly and ingratiated himself with his wide smile.

‘May I help you?’, he said.

‘Hey, I was just looking for a Christmas present. You know how hard it may be to find the right one?’

“Oh, trust me’ he said. ‘There are questions to which answers do not exist. But I can assure you that it is not the case.” He smiled.

I told him everything I knew about Mr. Right. I bet he could see the sparks in my eyes. I bet he could see that I was madly in love. I felt that I was honoured even to choose a present. Just so proud that he was my present.

“Wow, he is a lucky guy” he said. Then he turned around and brought a small box from a shelve behind the till.

His name was Oscar (of course his name was amongst the most popular Australian names). That day Oscar became my own oracle. Sometimes we need those ones to justify our feelings.

***

Moments with him made a perfect equation. A number of tiny coincidences made me smile. I tried to figure it all out. Any kind of rationale behind our relationship. When we are in love, are we not always longing for the true reasons for the two strangers to meet up. For the possibilities to appear? You think about what ‘the love’ is, raising your own theories and assumption. All of these are products of your heart. And them ‘boom’. The process is on. Your heart supplies the vibes to every corner of your complicated internal mechanism. Like a steam engine, it produces a ‘mechanical motion’. It is one of the greatest invention of your own.

***

I knew the feeling. What was more important, I knew the possible consequences. ‘Never play with the fire’, one must say. But love makes you fearless. It makes you boundless. Restless. I was not scared to be burn. Every single time his hands and my body had those ‘conversations’ I was risking my own life. My checks hurt, my smile wrinkles appear. The ones on both sides of my lips. Damn! I miss it. I miss everything about it. I wanted them to stay. And I wanted him to stay.

***

I had so many questions to ask. But there was no one to claim answers from. Just me, myself and I. Being very grateful for all of the Silicon Valley’s inventions, I wanted to ask for some time dedication for creating an artificial intelligent mind to answer my questions. Someone who would always help us when the big life decision is there to be made.

grateful for whatever the Silicon Valley has invented so far but can you please dedicate some time for something or someone who would help us out when the time to make a big decision is there? Like it was in the ancient Greece. Anyone from slaves to politicians and royalty could consult the oracle. So, this is how it all worked. You get on your knees and bring whatever the most important life’s question brought you there. Meanwhile, the oracle would go into the trance state and after a couple of days the answers would be there for you. We all want to make the right choices. From ancient China to Mayan calendar we have been seeking prophecy, craving to know what was going to come next. I needed just one answer. And I knew exactly the answer I wanted to hear. Here comes a problem. Life seems even harder when you don’t get the answer you want. Thus, it is never a good idea to have any kind of expectations especially when it comes to the most unexpected — other people.

***

Most of you will probably try to prove me wrong, but I think that there are two ways to be happy. The first one is that we must constantly move around a bit. Someone told me that to find the right answer for whatever controversial situation appears on the horizon, we had to go back to our savage selves and instincts. Well, the one I decided to strive to was to seek new environments and experiences. It was always the one to allow me to flourish. To shuffle my surroundings. To wake up in places I don’t know my way around and to meet someone I couldn’t entirely comprehend. Like a new language. But with whom I was always curios. A tremendous need to be lost somewhere or in someone. To be far away from all of this. To be free. The only problem we all grow up without anyone teaching us to be somebodies instead of somebody’s. Before we know that through our own mistakes.

***

I would not say I never look back. It’s out of my control. And I think that it would be awful if in the world where people strive to keep everything under their domination the feelings were something we could easily change or simply get rid of. Even if given that privilege one day, I’d rather not to. Of course, I wanted to know if he felt the way I did. And I would read his mind if I could. But probably it would be too selfish.

***

There are people in our life who are like a journey. When emotions and passion has faded away, we like grim death are searching for them. Looking unintentionally for someone’s acceptance. And we find it. Unfortunately, most of the time it comes from the people you never wanted to hear it from. The tragedy of present is that we feel useless if not used by anyone. Am I right?

***

I think that we misinterpret the concept of self-love. There is a bunch of studies and theories that the only way to find the true love is to love yourself first. Until now I believed that. But the truth is that we only love ourselves when we either feel loved or we do love someone. In other words, even if someone we are craving for doesn’t love us back, but there is a solid belief that that someone really does, we still feel loved, inspired and special. The best moments in life are the ones we can share with someone. The time never flies in the moments of loneliness, but it does when we don’t remember the way we fall asleep because we were too busy watching the moon or having a random midnight talk next to the fireplace. The flow of emotions, the temptations, the memories. We don’t have an ability to create them on our own. It would be too tiring. Friends family, lovers remind me on the watercolours. And I am a blank water-soaked piece of paper. So, when the water colours reach me, magic happens.

***

I don’t remember exactly who was it. But someone once told me that if you are the only one who is willing to make steps towards someone, you are going to pass by leave the person behind at some point. Thus, just leave it. As for me, it was always a wrong belief. As if the only pair of gloves you’ve been looking for is in the store next street. But you decide to leave it just because the shop doesn’t happen to be on your ‘planned route’.

I would turn around. I would ask him to try and to come with me. I would give him my hand. I did. More than once. And I still do.

***

What was my favourite moment? The very few seconds before he kissed me. I always wondered if he did that to anyone or if anyone he had done it to felt the same way I did. But it didn’t matter really. Whatever it was and whatever his intentions were. I could feel him through his fingertips left all over my body. He brushes my hair out of my eyes and leans to kiss me. If I could only collect those magical moments, I would have kept them in the same jar he put the sand in. I called him a child of the ocean.

***

There are a few things in life so beautiful they hurt. The night sky full of stars when you are miles away from the city of billboards and street lights. The walk under the rain, the kiss in the water. The way sand gently pours down your fingers and the first hug after a very long wait. One of those things is love. Some might compare it to the wild rose. It is so alluring, beautiful, mysterious and gentle. But as soon as it senses danger it draws blood in its defence. Maybe I scared him. Did I really?

***

The best feeling. Remember I asked you to stay patient? Whenever I looked at him I was proud of being the one to get a chance to know him better. The one to become closer to him. You might be aware of the feeling, when you pick up that one stranger out of the whole crowd. From that moment your eyes are just stuck. Was it his perfume? Or maybe some facials features you found cute? Sometimes you notice tha similar habits to yours and you are like “Damn, I always do the same thing”. And then the wonder is there. Maybe it was just one-time coincidence? But you are already too curious. And the more you wonder, the more you want to be noticed to. And I wanted him to notice me back. I couldn’t afford to let him go and stay unaware.

When you finally get to know someone, who was so alien to you, the magic happens. He is not a stranger anymore. And even the way you smile at each other is different now. You became more approachable to each other. You became more honest. You know that you do not have to wonder anymore. You do not have to overthink things, but to explore that new soul.

As for me this is what the real magic does look like. For me, he was magic. And I looked at him the way I barely look at anything or anyone. It felt like I was honoured. And I don’t want to simply use these ‘big’ words just to make it more appealing and valuable. But I mean it. It was exactly the way I felt every single time he crossed my path. And I liked to watch him. I always need time to watch a stranger to find the very small but meaningful connection points to build upon later.

***

The calls and texts became rare. And when contacted me it felt more like a polite gesture rather than an uncontrollable action of passion. Meanwhile, I was full of what he was probably missing. Maybe it was my own fault and I simply haven’t left anything for him. Is it even possible to run out of feelings? Are there any limits or quota for everyone out there? There was no limit for me.

Every single relationship is built upon passion anyway. Or at least I believed that. Maybe that’s why I failed every single time. But I feel that if there is a small sense of rationality, it is not going to work exactly the way we all dream about it. And eventually you are going to notice tiny cracks. And it is going to break. As simple as that.

***

The second week after the Easter holidays. The only thing I wanted was to see him. I was patient. It took him a couple of weeks to text me. Those two weeks became a torture, because I could see his room from my window. I could observe him following his normal daily routine; the one I was not able to become a part of. Soon enough, it became a habit. A very bad and poisoning one. Every time I got back home I used to snuggle to that window and watch him. I caught myself smiling. But I could never get why he wasn’t able to find time to see me. Because I didn’t want to merely accept the fact that he didn’t want to.

***

I should have just respected his time. I should have been more sensible because I knew exactly the person I have been falling for. And with the time passed, I know that I was wrong. And I was the one to push him away. All too often, we are mistaken why people leave us. Sometimes, because it is not enough. Sometimes, because it is too much.

***

Every time his number appeared on the screen my pulse raised to 150 at least, and for a moment I could catch myself losing my consciousness.

The phone buzzed:

‘Yooo, when are you back?’

(god please no yo-s with me)

‘I am back. Came back last night’

I tried to act like I didn’t care. I tried to send on of those ‘empty’ and meaningless texts. But I wanted to share so much with him. And every single time I forced myself into that ‘game’, it left a very bitter aftertaste.

‘Fancy coming around for a chat?”

I was shaking. I wanted to see him more than anything but I had a feeling that something was wrong. I didn’t know what was it, but something was bothering me. I just wanted to swallow that annoying ‘lump’ in my throat. I wanted to be less emotional, less attracted less attached to the whole situation. I wanted to seem more independent but I could not. I took a deep breath and texted him back.

“Yeah, sure. I will come in a bit.”

Not that I didn’t want to appear in his room the same second he texted. I made my mind even before he invited me over. It would have been particularly useful to be able to read his thoughts sometimes. Would that ability help people to be less hurt or to hurt even more people?

***

He had a thing. He used to get an inside hint before whatever could happen to take the ‘wrong direction’. Maybe being with someone means that we, in a way, adjust our way of thinking to theirs. That day I got the same hint. I waited for a while. Something made it harder to breath. I felt that. I took a shower as if it could ever help me to get rid of anything that disgusting aftertaste.

“Can I come now?”

I always asked before showing up. I dint want to be inconvenient or to appear as a burden in any way.

His door with the bright poster on it was at the very end of a corridor. His kitchen was always full of people from the halls, having parties and pre-drinks before the nights out. Things that usually annoyed me became unfeasible. I liked those loud noises on the background His room was a place to discover. The guy with a surf, coconut oil and a giant tree. I liked the noise that appeared every time I stepped on that bamboo carpet.

The second I opened a door, something about him was different. He was good at pretending though. I knew it.

***

Had I had an oracle, he would have told me.

It was over. He wanted to end it. He was honest and told me that he has met someone he was brave enough to believe in the whole concept of relationship with. I was speechless. Empty. The only thing in my mind was a

myriad number of flash cards in your memory. Trying to pick the right ones; the ones reminding me of the greatest moments with him. The moment the world starts falling apart. But you are the only person to notice. The ground underneath your feet starts slipping away. The walls around you become a huge metal cage. The moment you lose the connection with the reality. No matter how hard you try you are not going to understand. And you look straight into his eyes with that damn solid look. You keep breathing. The air becomes heavily saturated. The tensions between what you want and the ‘tape’ that is on become so evident. Your purest temptations and dreams just fade away. You sigh heavily and the only thing you could whisper is “That’s all right”. How many times do we say that to the people who screwed us over somehow?

I turned around. I saw that smile. The one I fell in love with. His smile that made me so happy eventually could have a completely opposite effect too.

I slid down the door. One heavy inhale. I could barely cry. Maybe that night gave me a chance to outcry the abundant amount of tears that has been resting there for years. What was more important, I smiled when I cried. Why? Because I was the one who opened his heart, even though I was not the one to whom he has opened his heart to. It hurts. And it did. But something was much more powerful than that pain. And I forgave him the same day. The same night.

***

I think for most of the time we all look for something that would make our life exceptional. For the people who would be of a different kind. For the things, we couldn’t even have dreamt of. Perhaps, we just want for the day-to-day routine become special without realizing that the steam engine never works if there is no water at the first place. Or is it our human nature to question everything, ending up with a bunch of unnecessary doubts? He had a lot of them for sure. I was too emotional and probably my actions were just far from what he was used to expect from a girl. Sometimes too brave, to straightforward, too caring even. When someone is not ready to accept your feelings, it seems more like a burden than a life gift. I wanted to stop, while he was still looking for the other options.

***

Is there such a thing as a low pain threshold? I’ve always thought that I was one of those people who were fearlessly moving from one life drama to another. Maybe that was it. Maybe I just reached my limit? My low pain threshold has finally played out. There are always two sides of a coin. The agonistic reality erased the purest layers of my heart. Perhaps, it was the only way to get rid of that solid protection that have been stopping me for years from the life I always wanted to live. From reaching out for the things I’ve been always craving for but was not brave enough to allow myself.

Its been a while since we last spoke. I saw him coming all the way up from a sunny side of the hill. I was standing there not knowing where to hide that rebellious constant urge of pleasure. The one I’ve been always going through just from being able to see him. The flawless linen shirt perfectly matched his perpetual tan. His rugged face and small freckles in between those small wrinkles became a necessary ingredient for my daily routine. It’s been about a month since he told me that he met that girl. And I saw them together. I opted to be happy for whatever made him happy. I tried not to look at him so that he could not spot anything in my eyes. So that he couldn’t spot the fact that I was missing his presence; his artistic hands wrapped around my body. He was holding a big wooden cage with the erratically planted white flowers. The sun laid on his skin neither the whiteness of his shirt nor the flowers could eclipse his smile. That was something I would have agreed to look at over and over again. I couldn’t move when I saw him. I couldn’t hear what my friend was telling me. So, the fact that he came up to talk to me should have not came as a surprise. I offered to walk him to his building and as we were walking I was begging the universe to give us a chance. Long lost treasures revealed themselves.

***

Sometimes it feels like the most valuable things comes through denying. When I was a kid, I used to leave coins in places I wished to go back to. The night I cried out my pain and refused to lose my love for him, I left that ‘coin’.

***

My phone buzzed in September. He called me on my birthday. I could not deny that hearing his voice smoothly touched something inside me. I was not expecting anything. We met up in October. The rainiest month of the year. But the sun was shining above us. The moment I saw his smile. I threw that coin in the ocean. And I found myself on the beach again.

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