This is somewhat of a confession but I'm not going to say dear diary.

Feb, 20. Late evening.

I never have liked funerals. Seeing other people scream, cry and talk about all of their fond memories with the now dead individual is just depressing. 

Not to mention that uncle Jessie was a real shit person. A wife beating, child molesting piece of shit. And now everyone was going to stand up talk about how he was such a wonderful, family loving man that is now with god. 

Well, all of that will be a damned lie and I'm not a big believer in deities...so. I got the news from my mom. 

"Do I have to go?" I asked. 

She looked at me side glance, "Yes, You do. Your uncle Jessie is your biological dad's brother and it's not right to miss the funeral."

"He was bastard," I said. 

"Veronica..."mom said with a look that completed her sentence without further words. 

"Fine," I said. 

"Your sister Marnie will be coming," mom said. 

"Marnie?" I exclaimed sitting forward. "I haven't seen her in two years."

"Well, the two of you can catch up now," mom said.

Marnie is my half sister. She and I haven't seen each other since she moved to the big city a couple of years ago. I haven't heard from her very much other than a few text messages or a hit on social media once every few months. 

Marnie and I have always been close so not hearing from her very often for two years made me miss her so much. I just didn't know how much but I was about to find out.  

Feb 27. Midday 

    The funeral is at a small little church out in the middle of nowhere. A gravel road leads from the main highway about a mile down. When we arrive, I see a larger than expected number of family members beginning to funnel in through the doors.

    I see Marnie pulling up in a white SUV with my biological dad in the driver seat. I also haven't seen him in a couple of years although we talk on the phone about twice a month.  Marnie just sits there for a minute or two talking to dad; her mouth making inaudible movements. And then, she looks up. Her eyes meet mine and lock as she fumbles to open the door.

"Hi!" we exclaim running to each other and meeting with a crash. Just like when we were younger.

"Oh, my goodness," I say. "I missed you so much."

"Oh sis, I miss you too,” Marnie says.

"How is everything?" I ask." How've you been?"

"Girl, life has been crazy," she says emphasizing the "crazy". She hugs me so tight that it almost hurts but I think that I hug her equally as hard. She and I finally make it to an opening on the front row after being stopped by several family members offering their condolences to the both of us. 

    Aunt Kelly how always smells of enough perfume to me light headed, grabs me in a death grip," Oh, baby I'm here for you in this difficult time."

    Difficult, I think. For who? Perhaps, I need to be offering my condolences to those that are actually having a hard time with this. Maybe, they genuinely don't know the side of uncle Jessie that I do. Marnie knows. I mean people like him usually have two faces anyway. Whatever, the case I am more focused on making my way back towards Marnie than anything else. But before I can get to her my dad steps in front of me. 

“My baby,” dad says swooping me into a big hug. I still feel like a child in his big arms. My dad is a 6’2, broad built, gentle giant. We’ve always been close, even after he and mom split. Sometimes we talk for over an hour on the phone just about trivial stuff. It hurt a lot when he and my split but I'm grateful that it wasn't ugly. 

“Hi, dad.” I say. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “Your uncle Jessie lived a wild life…made a lot of bad decisions. You know?”

“Yeah,” I grunt. “I know… I know.”

“I have to make the rounds,” he says giving me another hug before walking over to another group of people that I assume are just friends of uncle Jessie.

I finally find my seat and Marnie sits down next to me. We hug again.

“It’s been too long, sis” I state.

“I know,” she says lowering her head. “I’ve been so busy and I’ve been going through a lot. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” I tell her. “But we should really catch up after this.”

“I know,” Marnie says placing her hand on mine and giving it a squeeze. I smile because her hand feels so good, so soft, so loving; her smile as she looks at me is captivating.

    What the hell? Why am I thinking this? This is my sister but I feel like I want to kiss her. I shake my head and take a deep breath. This isn’t the first time that I have thought such things about her. I’ve always been ashamed of such thoughts. Not that I’ve had them very often but once and a while, generally when I was feeling really emotional. I’ve wanted to embrace her more intimately.

    And I am hit with the realization that I gotten emotional after talking to my dad. I could give two shits about uncle Jessie being dead but I could see the hurt in my dad’s eyes. And his hurt makes me hurt.

“You okay?” Marnie asks me once we are seated.

I give her a side glance without saying anything.

“I know,” she responds. “He wasn’t exactly the best uncle.”

My dad stands up to give a few words during which I feel Marnie’s hand clutch mine. She looks at me, “We really have to catch up. Seriously.”

“Yes,” I whisper, positioning my hand to fully interlock with hers. I kind of space out after my dad shares his thoughts and then others begin going up to speak, the whole time me never letting go of Marnie’s hand. For over an hour we sit listening, occasionally whispering some comment about each speaker.

    A few times I feel Marnie’s other hand reach of gently stroke the wrist of the hand she’s holding. And I wonder what that means. I start to think just for a second that could it be possible that she is thinking the kind of thoughts about me, that I am thinking about her. I have a mixture of excitement and shame.

    Afterwards, everyone kind of congregates outside the church talking, hugging, crying; the kind of shit that I really hate about funerals.

“You’ve really grown,” an older lady that I don’t recognize says to me. “I went to school with your uncle. I remember you when you were just a small child.”

“Oh, I say. “Ummm. How are you?”

“Great,” she says hugging me, then almost pushing me away. “You take care now.”

“Sis,” I say taking Marnie by the hand again. “We should go somewhere and talk.”

“Absolutely,” Marnie says excitedly. “How about the old park by the lake? The one we use to go to when we were kids. Let’s say in an hour or so?”

“Perfect,” I say.