Tired of boring old Earth? Sick of being just like everyone else? Looking for a new Terrene to call home? Can't decide what's best? I can help.

    Hello, I'm Walter Scott, Terrene Reporter. Let me be your guide. I personally visit each new Terrene and write an article detailing what you can expect from everyday life on that World.

*Disclaimer-Despite what you've read, the Terrene may have changed in the several hundreds or thousands of light years it has taken you to get there. Neither Walter Scott nor any associates of Light Years Magazine or its affiliates are responsible for death or dismemberment to you or your family due to your decision to relocate. All of the views expressed are solely those of Mr. Scott who spends no more than one week on each Terrene.

    Nowhere have I met a man so prideful and full of self righteousness as on Terrene Midwest. I suppose some of it might be just, since Clyde Palmer is the purveyor of all the food.

    Terrene Midwest is a constant 42-52 degrees with a wind chill that drops it another ten degrees. Therefore all of the food comes from a greenhouse powered by wind turbines. And you guessed it, Clyde runs the greenhouse. Any attempts at politics and a government has fallen by the way side due to the fact that if you want to eat, you'll do whatever Clyde wants.

    I imagine Terrene Midwest was once beautiful, before man landed there. Now, a group of rebels have been importing fossil fuels to burn. I guess they're hoping to create a greenhouse effect and warm the place up. Naturally Clyde is furious. And why shouldn't he be? That would absolutely ruin the polar bear festivals. I've found that wherever Earthlings go, they take some type of tradition with them.

    A further impedance of any uprising is due to Caroline Sadusky, Clyde's girlfriend. A frigid woman in her own right, her sole concern is telling citizens of Terrene Midwest what they can and cannot eat. I believe she's what Earthlings call a hipster or perhaps a tree hugging hippie. Although I must confess, I've been away so long, I may have those terms a bit mixed up. Either way, nothing indigenous may be consumed or destroyed in ay fashion.

    Meat is too expensive to import. And Caroline won't allow legume eating animals, even if they could ingest the Terrene's plants. While I was there I was given an opportunity to tour the greenhouses. Soon they will be growing all their food with aquaponics.

    So if you like fish, and a dash of dictatorship, then Terrene Midwest is for you. Despite those setbacks, I do believe it would be a perfect home for biologists. But if Clyde decides he doesn't like you, you'll starve. But hey, in the 300,000 light years it takes to get there, he'll most likely be dead.

    Article by Walter Scott, Terrene Reporter for Light Years Magazine.