Into the Realm


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    Jasper Eska. A ladies’ man, nineteen, with jet-black, shoulder-length hair and dazzling green eyes, a build that many envy, and a really nice personality. Once you get to know him. If you just walk up to him, like many women do, they find a nice, caring, rich guy who might do anything for them. He’s broken many hearts, since he doesn’t know what to do with all the women surrounding him. But, once you get to know him, he’s as loyal as a dog that’s been with you for its whole life. He never actually goes after the women, they come to him. Most of the time, he tries to avoid them by walking a different way to work every day. But they still find him. Each one expects him to get them what they want, never thinking that he doesn’t want to do that. In reality, Jasper doesn’t have much money. He’s living in a run-down apartment, barely able to pay his rent money and buy the food he needs. He’s trying to hold down two jobs, one at a grocery store, the other at a pet clinic. His father disowned him when he turned eighteen, since Jasper didn’t want to be a doctor, like his brothers and father. He wanted to be himself, not follow in his family’s footsteps. Jasper has tried to get money from his family, but his father won’t have anything to do with him. Even though they could easily spare a hundred dollars or so, his father won’t give him a penny. His mother was able to give him some money, and Jasper hasn’t used it, and he won’t use it until he truly needs it. But Jasper doesn’t dare to go back home, since his father threatened to call the cops next time he sees Jasper on his property. So, Jasper shows the world that he’s doing fine, and that nothing is wrong with his life, and he keeps to himself all his troubles and problems, and doesn’t say a word about them to anyone, not even his best friend, Sajun. But what Jasper doesn’t know, is that Sajun already knows. Just like he knows practically everything.

    Teagan White is a shy girl of about eighteen. She’s really nice to everyone she meets and everyone likes her. She has beautiful long amber hair - down to her waist - and glittery blue eyes. She’s lived in the town her whole life, never leaving it unless she had an emergency. When people look at her, they think: ‘I wish I was her. Then I wouldn’t have any problems at all.’ But what they don’t know is that she has a failing grandmother with cancer. The doctors were able to get rid of it twice, but they can’t get rid of it the third time. She knows her grandmother doesn’t have long to live, so she visits her whenever she can. She’s glad that her grandmother doesn’t have any memory issues, so when she visits her, her grandmother knows who she is each time. The last time she left town was to go to her Great Grandfather’s funeral. She has many friends at school, but none of them know her real side: that she is a very sad and lonely girl, wanting attention, but never getting it. The only person who knows her true self is her best friend, Dorrie. They’ve been in every class every year together. They’ve laughed, they’ve cried, they’ve pigged out, they were sick, they do everything together. But her best friend doesn’t know about her grandmother, since Teagan likes to keep things like that to herself. Her family is a little different, especially since she’s the middle child, but she is really lonely. Her siblings are not close in age to her, and she spends a lot of time alone. She’s happy that her parents are together, unlike so many other kids’ parents, who are separated. So, Teagan has a good life, except for her loneliness and her family’s illnesses. But all that was about to change.

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FayeAnna Jones

thanks, but also remember, my sister is also writing this too, it's not just me.
Plus, when we edit, we'll be changing a lot of things in here before we publish.


Your prologue was interesting - but don't you intend to show their characters through the storyline rather than stating things about them in the prologue? Nevertheless, it's a good thing you've got a biography or your main characters.

I've only read chapter 1, but unfortunately, I don't think there was a flow. It felt like the scenes were jumping from one to another. Also in your paragraph before the old man scene, your sentences are short and simple, and you use 'Then' twice. The main thing with this paragraph is that you're simply stating what happened. Perhaps in between, show Jasper's thoughts? For in this place, you can use Jasper's thoughts to explain to the reader about why every girl chases after him.

There was only one part that didn't make sense - you said [...I still don't know why he backed off...] It didn't make sense because of the 'still'. This word suggests that Jasper was wondering before why the man backed off, but the man had only just backed off, so how could he be wondering that before?

Other than all of that, it would be quite interesting to see where this story goes, though, personally, I'm more interested in your 'Assassin' book. I hope this helps, and good luck with your writing!

Chapter 1: Jasper

    That evening, I found myself on a completely new street. It was a street that rich people lived on. The one that I used to live on.  walked down the street, looking at all the familiar houses from my childhood. I noticed that the house I used to live in wasn’t there. I went over to the land, and saw that it had been torn down. ‘Now what happened?’ I thought, ‘Why would it get torn down? But I had no answer to it. So I went to the neighbor’s house. I knocked, and in a few seconds, someone answered the door.

“Yes?”” a middle-aged man answered the door.

“Um… Why did the Eska house get torn down?” I asked..

“Oh, they moved, and no one wanted the house, so the next door neighbors-the other side- wanted the land for their kids to play on. You know, the ones with six kids. Wait, who are you? How do you know the Eskas?” he asked.

“Daddy? Who’s at the door?” I heard a girl’s voice from inside. ‘Uh-oh.’ I thought. A girl of about sixteen looked out from behind her father.

“Oooo! He’s cute! Who are you?” she asked in a flirtatious voice.

“Um…. No one important. Thanks. Bye.” I said quickly, then left. I didn’t want any interactions with girls right now. I needed to find out where my family moved. Even if my father said that I was no longer part of the family, I will still care about them. Who wouldn’t care about their little brother and sister? My older brothers still stopped by my apartment sometimes, bringing food, but I don’t accept it. Sometimes, I wish I did. One of my brothers, Sage, is always leaving a little bit of money in my mailbox when he visits, so I can’t decline it.

    I started to head home when a random girl jumped on my back.

“Whoa! Who are you?” I asked, startled.

“I’ve been watching you from afar. I think you’re cute! Let’s date!” she said in a rush.

“Um…. how about not?” I extracted myself from her.

“Why not??” she whined.

“For one, I don’t know you. Two, I don’t know you, and three, I don’t know you!” I told her.

“I’ll tell my father.” she said.

“And what will he do?” I sighed.

“Arrest you.” she said smugly, “He’s the chief of police.”

“Do I care? No. Leave me alone. Threaten me all you want. I’m busy.” I started walking away.

“Hey! You don’t care if you go to jail?” she yelled.

“Nope! I do care if I give a spoiled brat everything that she wants. And I don’t do that!” I quickly turned the corner and hid. I saw the girl run after me, but when she turned the corner, she couldn’t find me. She eventually gave up.

    I stayed hidden for a few more minutes until I was sure she wasn’t coming back. Then I left and went on the main road. I started to head home. Then I was approached by an old man.

“Hey, there young man.” the guy said. I sighed.

“What?” I asked, tired of all this.

“No need to be angry or short with me. I’m offering you a job.” he said.

“Not interested.” I pushed past him.

“A young, handsome man like you, not interested in a job?” the man asked, surprised.

“Nope. Bye.” I tried to leave, but the guy grabbed my arm.

“You don’t even know what the job is. I’ll tell you. I’m a manager for a modeling company and we need a model. Wanna do it? You’ve got the body we need.” he said.

“No. Not interested. How many times do I have to tell you people?” I shook the guy off.
“What? You don’t want to model? You’ll get rich. It’s too hard to find a guy like you with your looks and body.” the guy protested.

“I. Said. No.” I said with clenched teeth.

“Hey mister, he said no, so leave him alone.” A girl’s voice came from behind me. I turned around and saw the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. She has long amber hair and gorgeous blue eyes.

“Oh, you’re with him? Too bad. I could’ve used both of you.” the guy backed off. I still don’t know why he backed off.

“Thanks…. What’s your name?”I asked the mystery girl, but when I turned to find her, she was gone. I wish I knew her name, since it was love at first sight.

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Chapter 2: Teagan

      When I was walking to the library, I saw a guy that I’ve never seen before. His arm was being held by the old guy who recruits people for modeling. Even though this guy was way too hot for that. But that’s my opinion.

    Something was happening between the two, and I wanted to know what, since they looked like they were arguing. When I got closer, I noticed that the hot guy didn’t have brown hair as I’d thought. Instead, he has black hair which made his green eyes stand out. I don’t know why I said it, but to me, it looked like the guy could have used some help. So I told the old guy to leave the hot one alone. When I said that, the hot guy turned to look at me. Which, of course, set my heart thumping. He was even more beautiful close up. I waited for him to turn away before I hurried off around the corner. I heard him say thanks…. but I wasn’t around to say anything.

    Now that I’m at the library, I wished that I had stayed to talk to him so that I would at least know his name. But I’m also convinced that what just happened was a dream, since no one can be that hot in real life. ‘Yes. That was definitely a dream.’ I told myself, ‘I hope I dream about him again.’ For the rest of the time I spent in the library, most of it was just staring off into space, thinking about the boy.

    When I got home, I found my mother sleeping on the couch with the TV on. I took the remote out of my mother’s hands and turned the TV off. Then I kind of woke up my mother and led her to her bed. After that was done, I went to my room and got out my cell. I looked in my inbox, but the only message in there was the daily ‘good night’ message from Dorrie. I decided that I’d call my grandmother.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Hi grandma!” I exclaimed.

“Hi Teagan! How are you doing?”

“I’m good. What about you?”

“Oh, I’m fine. I’m watching my favorite show so I can get a glimpse of my man.” she said, laughing.


“Hey, I may be old, but I still have eyes.” her grandma said.

“Well, have fun.” I said, shaking my head.

“Oh, I will! Ooo!” her grandma exclaimed.

“What?” I asked.

“Just saw his chest!” my grandma said, giddy.

“Oh, grandma. Well, I gotta go now, night.”

“Night.” I hung up. I can never get over how good my grandma sounds, even though she’s battling cancer.
    I changed into my night clothes and got into bed. I stared up at the ceiling for a while, then sat up. ‘I forgot! School is in two days!’ I thought. ‘Ugh.’ So. His name is Jasper. Is it just me, or does the sun make him more attractive? Emily needs to stop prying into other people's private lives! I looked down.

“He didn’t want to be a doctor.” a boy’s voice said. I looked up to see a guy with very light orange eyes, which was weird, since no one has orange eyes. Wait… he must have contacts in. His hair is…. blue? Or is it black? Which is it? Judging from his eyebrows, the color is natural. Does that mean his eyes are too?

“Sajun?” asked Jasper.

“So his father di-” Jasper covered Sajun’s mouth. Now, why did he do that?

    Jasper pulled Sajun away from us. Once they were gone, Emily and the others started talking about them.

“Oh my goodness! Those two were incredibly hot!” Emily exclaimed. Just then, Dorrie walked up.

“Whatcha talkin about?” she asked.

“These two hot guys; one had blue hair and orange eyes and the other one black hair and gorgeous green eyes! Teagan knew one named Jasper, which was the one with black hair and the gorgeous eyes!” said Emily.

“His hair was blue? I thought it was black.” Rebecca said, confused.

“You might be color blind then.” said Emily.

“Hmm…..I don’t think so.” Rebecca muttered to herself.

“So…. Did you get their names?” Dorrie asked.

“Yeah. I just said that Jasper was the one with the black hair and green eyes. The other one was named Sajun.” Emily told her.

“Well, during school, Teagan, you are going to have to point them out to me, since they obviously signed up.” Dorrie told her, smiling.

“Well, that’s easy. Truthfully, they are hard to miss.” I told her, smiling.

“Well, a guy with blue hair, like Emily said, would be hard to miss. But since Rebecca thought his hair was black…. I’m not sure.” Dorrie smiled.

“When you see them, you’ll know what I’m talking about.” I said, taking her by the arm and going home.

    Once we got there, both of us flopped onto my bed. I looked around my room, looking at it from Dorrie’s perspective again. I saw a love for music, with all the band posters on my walls, the individuality of all the different kinds of stuffed animals I had (you’re never too old for them), and a love for red, since that’s the color of my walls.

“I’ll never get tired of your room because I love it so much!!!” exclaimed Dorrie.

“Thanks.” I said.

“Well. Do you suppose that either one was attracted to you?” Dorrie asked with a mischievous twinkle in her eye.

“I don’t know. The guy named Jasper was the hottest one and Sajun was kinda hot. I don’t think either was attracted to me!” I said.

“Why do you always do that?” Dorrie asked, exasperated.

“Do what?” I asked.

“Put yourself down like that. You’re gorgeous. Who wouldn’t be attracted to you?” Dorrie pointed out.

“Uh, them.” I said pointedly.

Dorrie looked out the window as some hot guys from school were walking outside my house.

“I promise you that those hotties would like you. To make sure I’m gonna go ask them! Be right back!” exclaimed Dorrie.

“Dorrie!!! No!” I shouted, trying to stop her, but failed and stayed inside while Dorrie went to go ask her question.

“Tyler! Taylor! I have a question for you!”

“What?” asked Taylor.

“Do you think Teagan White is attractive in any way?”

“I think she’s hot!!” exclaimed Tyler.

“I think she’s gorgeous!!” exclaimed Taylor, agreeing with Tyler.

“Thank you guys for the input.” said Dorrie.

“You're welcome.” said Tyler.

“See I told you!” Dorrie said walking inside the house very proudly.

“Whatever.” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Don’t ‘whatever’ me, you heard the truth and there’s your proof! Hey, that rhymed!” Dorrie exclaimed. I busted out laughing.

“How can you do that?” I asked after she stopped laughing.

“Do what?”

“How can you be all serious and then say something completely random that has nothing to do with what we’re talking about?” I asked.

“Oh, I just say it as it is.” Dorrie told her.

“Good thing you’re not a boy. Girls would hate you.” I said, jokingly.

“Oh, why would you think so?” Dorrie asked innocently.

“Oh, just when they ask, “Do I look fat in this outfit?” you’d say “Yes” if they do.” I said, smiling.

“You don’t know that. I might not say it if I didn’t want to!! I’d be different if I was a guy.” Dorrie said.

“Sure, whatever you say.” I said.

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Chapter 3: Jasper

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Chapter 4: Teagan

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Chapter 5: Jasper

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Chapter 6: Teagan

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Chapter 7: Jasper

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Chapter 8: Teagan

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Chapter 9: Jasper

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Chapter 10: Teagan

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Chapter 11: Jasper

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Chapter 12: Teagan

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Chapter 13: Human Realm

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Chapter 14: Jasper

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Chapter 15: Teagan

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Chapter 16: Jasper

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Chapter 17: Teagan

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Chapter 18: Jasper

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Chapter 19: Teagan

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Chapter 20: Jasper

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