The Banger

 

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The Banger

Scene 1

Opening Scene

Bill, an older 75 yr old in the garden with his wife, Jenni, sitting down trying to work the radio thru the tv with 3 remotes, while Jenni is working in the garden.

Bill: .. I am pressing button A …oh, woops, wrong controller… but where’s button A on this one?? No…umm.. do I want standby?? No, well, I am standing by, but nothings happening …Button A, Button A?? Hey Jen, Button A hasn't fallen off in the garden has it??

He laughs at the ridiculous – ness of not being able to turn off the radio and heads out side.

Bill: You know, 30-40 years ago Jen, I just cant remember it being that tricky to turn off a radio – there was just an on/off button wasn't there ??

Sitting on a chair on the porch for some peace and quiet while he reads the Saturday paper...and then the whipper snippers and leaf blowers boom into life

Bill: I tell you what, the mozzies are getting bigger and louder round here! Sleepy suburbia seems to have lost out a LOT! I always thought gardening was a peaceful pursuit??

Mumbles and laughs to no one in particular as he turns the page –

Once man invented the wheel, he started down a very slippery slope of labour saving devices!!

Jenny (Bill’s wife): What’s that Darl?

As she wanders in from the garden

Bill: Hmm.. what is the right question, and that is the unanswerable object - and possibly why, why, why, also! Firstly, I can’t seem to turn the radio off now! It used to be a simple on and off switch, but now it’s attached somehow to “standby” and “energy saving” or “mute” or some other term that has no meaning for me, and thus, therefore and thence, the radio stays on and I have to go outside to get away from the thing because some clown is ranting and raving about god knows what to god knows who! Then, I finally sit down, and a bloke four houses away starts up another one of those “labour saving” devices that sounds like a jumbo jet landing on the front terrace.

Or is it just me?

Y’ know Jen, the suburbs were always lampooned as being sleepy and tranquil. A place where life just breathed in and out quietly and people could simply surrender to the serenity, and slide away in peace!

Now… there’s noise from every corner of every household through over engineered, inefficient petrol driven “man tools”. Every fella seems to want “more of” and “bigger than” when it comes to his tools!

And THAT is the why I just don't understand.

You would think that If you’re going to garden, then garden naturally; get your hands dirty; like you’re doing Jen; feel and smell nature on your hands. Find the simple pleasure in the slow time some would say. But now, my used-to-be-quiet Saturday morning is being smashed with decibel madness!! And of course the other question is, do they enjoy it …or is it just another task that needs to be ticked off the list as fast as in-humanely possible?

(a pause and softens his voice…)

I just want to hear the birds when I have my morning cuppa. That should be a simple enough (request!)

As Bill says “request”, his neighbour Frank, complete with ear muffs comes barnstorming down the driveway with a whipper-snipper screeching over the silence…

(Frank could be a pre-prepared film rather than an on stage character)

Frank: He shouts over the noise - Morning Bill, Morning Jenny

And points to his new machine – Just trying out my new whipper-snipper the kids gave me for fathers day.

Bill: Shouts back – It's a bit on the noisy side Frank!!

(Jenny slaps Bill’s arm in annoyance!)

Frank: Sorry Bill, what was that?? .. its great .. saves me so much time and effort

Bill: Hmmm…bullshit at both those statements Frank! - he smiles and waves Frank away and looks back at his paper

Jenny: Now darl, don’t upset yourself again. There’s not much you can do. It’s just the way the world is now.

Bill: Really?? Really ???? That may be the world we have now Jen, BUT, and it's a big but, is that the world we want? Do we really want to live with….all this? (Bill makes some sounds like mowers, blowers, whipper snippers etc)….

I just think we’ve let ourselves get hoodwinked and manipulated - selling us a need we never had with a device we never wanted at a price we somehow found acceptable … just so we keep up with that influential Jones’ family who live mythically down every street in every suburb, and then pretty soon, the garage is full of …..

Jenny: Oh I know darl. It’s the same in the home – so many machines, yet we can do all those things with a few knives, a frypan and a stove top and a couple of bowls! I agree, it is a bit crazy but it seems to have just happened … over taken us and I dont think we can do much about it now. The horse has kind of bolted!

Bill: Woo on there then cow girl. We need to stable that horse. It’s just way too much. I don’t need it, use it, and most of all, I don’t want to pay for it! You know, the classic is when there is a council throw out. How many of those damned fitness machines are dumped on the footpath by over weight men who actually believed that doing not much more than nothing can create the body of a god? And those things are so-o-o-o convenient - just fold right up and slide under the bed. NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN!! There’s a whole industry out there making crap that some one pays for, digs up iron ore for, barrels oil for and makes plastic for, ships round the world for and sells to some mug for … for what? To be used once or twice and then chucked away. and you know the worst of that is that politicians call this market driven forces driving our economy forward. How can that be? How can THAT be??? Haven’t we got better things to do with our money, resources and brain matter? To every sense, it just feels wrong, wrong, wrong!!

Oh, speaking of wrong and useless machines,(chuckles Bill) here he is … (space)…. morning Frank…cuppa??

Frank: Thanks mate… how are you Jen?? I tell you, that whipper snipper is fantastic…

 

Bill: Peers across the backyard… Fantastic eh??? There’s a lot of umm…. individual flair in that edging Frank!! (chuckles) And straight doesn’t seem to be a compulsory direction either!!

Frank: Yeah, I know, it’s dynamite on edges, but you do have to watch where you’re going! Just getting used to it!! But gee it’s quick!!

Bill: Quick? Quick? Three times I saw you struggling to get that thing started, and then you spent another half hour trying to change the plastic line! I could have done mine with the garden sheers and had time for a snooze after. It’s not quick at all if its like that every week. And, have you actually considered the noise that thing makes?

Frank: As he helps himself to a cup of tea - Oh the noise is not an issue with these ear muffs – I can’t hear a thing.

Bill: Under his breath - Hmmph… I cant either you selfish git!

Frank: Sorry, what was that Bill?

Bill: Oh nothing mate. But you know, I reckon we have just too many of these specialised devices and tools and knobs and buttons and computer this and computer that. Life just doesn’t need to be that complicated and, y’know half the time, you get more than you want, we end up paying for stuff we just don’t really use, because it’s (pause) included in the price. Sometimes, I‘d like to have the choice as to if and when it is INCLUDED.

(Frank is a little confused)

Jenny: Gets her handbag and starts heading for the door

Sorry Frank, but we’re off to the doctor ,and then, to buy me a new car - one that looks new, smells new and IS New! C’mon Bill, and as that man at Nock and Kirby’s used to say, bring your money with you!

They all chuckle and head out the door

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Scene 2

As they walk into a car yard, Bill and Jenny are in quiet conversation

Bill: … and so all was good??

Jen: Yes, I think so, though she said she had a couple of issues with some of the figures and was going to have them checked again, so she took a couple of blood samples.

Bill: Ha - there a bit like the new cars also! Too many gadgets and computers to give too many answers from too many tests. Anyway, youre feeling ok aren’t you Jen?

Jen: Oh yes. All good, but I just don't like it when they do more tests. But anyway, lets go and talk to these nice young men about my new car!

Bill: Ha! They do appear to be really nice men, but, while they are talking politely and ever so nicely to you Jen, they are reaching round behind my back and trying to ever so gently put my wallet in their pocket!

Jen: Darl, look there’s a bit of money here, and a bit of money there, but basically it’s all round about the same isn’t it, at the end?

Bill: Not after old Bill here gets through to these young sharpies that we are not only here to buy Jen, but we are here to buy at his rock bottom price, with none of that extra stuff we don’t need thrown in! You know I’ve been thinking about that conversation we had with Frank this morning, and if we are going to get a new car, then we are going to get one WITHOUT all the stuff we don’t use or need. And stuff that neither of us know how to work!!

Remember that last car, it took you 4 years to realize that it had a washer for the rear windscreen, let alone the wiper! But y’know it didnt matter, ‘cos we just did what we did. If it was dirty, you washed it!

I mean which one of us touched that central computer thing?

Jen: Oh, and its not just me young Billy!! (laughs)

Bill: I know, I know … the CD player in the boot

Jen: You pulled it out of the way to make room for the golf clubs.

Bill: Well, it didn’t matter anyway as neither of us knew about it or played CD’s in the car anyway. So why did we need to pay for that little extra?

Jen: It was standard darl, came with the car, and all the other bits - so it was free.

Bill: Free? How can it be free when it’s in the car as part of the whole package? No matter what you think Jen, we paid for it and a whole lot of other junk we didn’t need or want. Temperature gauge for in and out of the car. Really? Electronic seat adjustment? Is it that hard?

Well this time I’m gonna put my foot down and not pay for those extraneous extravagances. Hmm, I like the sound of that.

If I don’t want it, then why should it be there? If I don’t want it, why should I have to pay for it? Yes, extraneous extravagances be gone (laughs)

Jen: If you’re going to carry on like this, no one will sell us a car!!

I do know what you are saying though darl, but, really, can we just go and buy a new, fresh, clean smart car for ME! I don’t care if we never use half the things inside - doesn’t worry me. Im not buying the car for that. Im buying a smart, cute, new, reliable little zot car to zip and zoom around in.

Bill: Oh I do know all that Jen, and I do want you to get what you want. But it just the waste and cost because we never use it, but they make profit on it because we cant have it any other way, and we have to pay for it, because “its standard sir”.

It’s like going to the green grocer, ordering half a dozen apples and finding that you got a pear, tomato and a few grapes thrown in – you paid for them in the price, but you didn’t want them and should have been cheaper without them, but that’s the way they are sold now. The car is exactly the same!!

Anyway, let’s get this show underway, and I AM going to whinge about these (Bill laughs) extraneous extravagances!

There’s a principle some where in this and I am going into bat for it!!

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Scene 3

Bill and Jen are at their 4th or 5th or possibly 14th car dealership and it’s the same story repeating itself… different scene grabs ….

(GRAB 1)

Jen: Oh that’s a pretty colour ….. Bill: Jen, we can get a-n-y colour you want.

(GRAB 2)

Jen: I do like the look of that one …. Bill: Yes.. looks good

(GRAB 3)

Jen: That little flower is very cute …. Bill: Hmm.. a bit girly for me girly!! (chuckles)

(GRAB 4)

Jen: Oh the levers are on the wrong side… Bill: Yes a bit tricky at first but you’ll pick it up quick enough Jen

As they are looking at their umpteenth vehicle…

Salesman Tony: Good afternoon. How are we today? My names Tony and I am most definitely here to help you into your next new car!!

Jen: (laughs) Next? I’ve never had a new one Tony. I’m Jen and this is my husband Bill.

(They shake hands and greet)

Salesman Tony: (he opens the door) Oh, how can you beat that beautiful new car smell. Makes you want to trade up every month, which would be great for me (he smiles)

Bill: (in a dead pan face and voice) Most unlikely son! Most unlikely! Now, Jen and I, have spent the afternoon looking, and you know what - we are just about looked out! So you may find yourself in the right place at the right time!! BUT…. (and he pauses for dramatic effect and leans into Tony…) BUT only if you can wheel and deal something really special here for my wife Jen. We have the money right here, and she has the will. So, let’s talk the talk, walk the walk and let’s dance the dance Tony while you tell us all about this nice little rice burner and it’s mates! (and whispers..) .. and Tony, spare us the bullshit. We’ve been wading through it all day and it will NOT help your cause! Not one little bit!

Salesman Tony: (smiles sheepishly and adjusts his tie) No worries Bill. I can talk it, walk it and dance it your way, and no .. ahh … (quietly) bullshit.

Jenny: Oh enough of this boy talk and circling round each other like old drunken sailors swinging wildly. Tony, I’d like you to show me this one and tell me all about it!

(Tony goes into salesman mode and directs his all towards Jenny, glancing every now and then at Bill for a nod of approval that all is well in the world so far… and then after each nod he ramps up his spiel! This is done through a montage of slides and images and car talk projected with real time Tony gesticulating evocatively with Jen and Bill looking on))

(BACK TO LIVE)

Tony: … and Jenny this is the best value small car on the road today in Australia. It has just about everything you need…

Bill: (jumps in quickly) Yeah, and probably a whole lot of stuff we don’t need either – all that extraneous extravagance! (Bill smiles to himself as he knocks out this phrase again)

Tony: Now Bill, this little car really is a champ in every sense

Bill: hmm… well let’s see what’s under the hood. I like to dabble in the forgotten art of car servicing, home maintenance and minor adjustments you know!

Tony: Ahhh, well you might find this a little different (as Tony opens the bonnet and Bill starts to lean in and fiddle about) and unfortunately Bill, I’m not a mechanic, just a salesm ….

Bill: Well Tony, can you find some one around here who CAN talk to me about what all this …. stuff…. is in here, cos at the present, I’m struggling to find the bloody dipstick!!

Jenny: Tony that’s just not necessary. This is MY car. My first NEW car and for a change, I don’t really care whats under the bonnet or how many cylinders it has, miles per gallon it does or in fact how many horses require feeding for it to go. So, I’m not sure about Bill, but I am definietly here to buy a car, and so I think I might like to look at a silver one of that one thank you Tony.

Tony: (jumps in at the chance of a sale, but covers himself looking back and forth between Jenny and Bill) Oh you will not regret that decision Jenny. This car could take you to the moon and back and still have some left over!!

Bill: The bullshit meter is rising Tony!!

Tony: No really Bill, this is a little beauty

Bill: (looks at Jenny and then back to Tony) How would I know Tony? I don’t even know if it’s got an engine in there. Nothing in there looks like an engine - great design, but not the engine I know and trust!

Jenny: Well Tony, you and I can go inside and discuss the sale and leave Bill to discover the fact that it does have a wonderful engine. Maybe just a little too modern for an older gentleman like Bill to appreciate! His horse and buggy are hitched out the back you know.

Jenny and Tony head for the sales office with Tony heard talking

“…..about colours, wonderful accessories and you’d be a proud owner for years and years”

Bill opens up the car manual and starts looking at the manual, then scratching his head and looking in at the engine confused…. And in frustration…

Bill: Bloody hell, you couldn’t find a neater little donk, with everything squared and tidy and in its place, but I’ll be buggered if you can get a wrench anywhere near anything. What’s that? And that? And why do I need that? And that’s a useless must have … oh I just don’t know about all this … stuff!!

( And he heads for the car sales office shaking his head)

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- And a speech to the Press Club of Australia ...

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