Escaping to my dressing room after a tiring last minute rehearsal. Escaping I thought.. no.. 

as I pass the stage managers lair,  the director and friend of mine stepped nimbly out before I passed. He's tall masculine distinguished... only about 32..

I'm nearly 20.. I'm sure.. no.. no

He smiles at me. "Are you ready for opening night Lottie?" 

Instantly I get shy and reserved. 

 I swallowed and picked my words carefully. 

" I.. well.." oh no the panic the anxiety.. I can feel the blanch on my face.. 

Tom notices It too. His face is crescent alen he looks concerned. 

" Lottie what-" 

I try to smile.. "I need my dressing room." 

I stammer over my words. He catches me as I lean to one side.. 

" do you want me to get your mo-" 

"No! ... don't please.. I'm fine.. I mean.."   nausea.. this pattern was so familiar to me. Like a heavily indented path. An image rose to my minds eye. I had once visited a zoo with my mother. It was the only time I had felt truly excited.. NOT at all nervous, well maybe a little nervous. Anxiety was my security blanket. If I didn't have my anxiety I knew I wasn't safe.. anyway a crowd of people where gathered around staring, pointing pressing their noses against the glass that surround an inclosed exhibit. I needed to see. Thsi crowd reminded so much of all the people who pressed around me after the show at the stage door. Thsi was like the people who sat and watched me onstage like wolves and jackets their eyes hungering after me..  I reached the exhibit. It was a huge anteaters habitat. He was walking in a path that had been pounded down to the very ground of its cage. Year by weary dreary year he had trudged the same path. Not noticing the crowd... trying to stay focused on this path. This safe way.. 

I am that anteater. I am stuck in his cage.. but only two things drive me on to preform better and better and better.. Frist my anxiety that allows me to keep going.. that makes me safe on stage.. and my mother. 

My mother is the reason I have a panic attack before I go onstage. I have one so I can be so exhausted of my panic that I am physically able to preform. Then I have another one before the second act starts. But.... I do it for my mother. I never let her know I'm weak. I can't be. She wants this for me so badly.. I ache hours and hours alone. "Once I take a shower and strip away all the pounds of makeup... I look into the mirror. And all I see is a small...  ugly scared anxiety and depression laden girl.. " I wake out of my thoughts. I was in my dressing room. With the man I had had a crush on for a year. He, whilst I was thinking and remembering, had managed to get me to sit down. He was now standing over me with a confused and sad expression. I realized I had said that last thing out loud. He opened his mouth when the speaker in my dressing room cracked making me jump. " 20 minutes till Curtain.. 20 minutes to curtain." Tom let the echoes of the stage managers announcement die away, then he moved closer. And closer.. what was he doing.. I wanted to.. to.. 

my phone rang. It made me jump. I looked at it.. it was my alarm for getting tot he wings. I left hurriedly.. feeling bad for leaving Tom alone. "Two minutes till curtain." My breath catches in my chest. I start to swallow the panic now swelling into my head. I reach my small close spot. I have my short but wild panic attack. After the stage manger quietly comes to my side and tells me that we are delaying the performance for 5 more minutes. I start to panic.. when Tom appears behind me. I can tell it's him because of his confident yet gentle tread of his footsteps. I turn and smile at him. He smiles back. Then slowly leans closer to me. "I was interrupted last time.. I won't now.." he leans in and i kiss him.. long hard. I melt and give in.. 

And I preformed. I preformed so well. I saw my mother her stern face staring out of me for my tHE same seat she had always taken. Staring and taking mental notes of what I need to fix. What I need to do.. the audience felt my heart the life I threw into my performance. Thunderous applause and a standing ovation confirmed my suspicions.