“What!” Mary sounded not at all pleased. “What do you mean you don’t want to go visit the kids?” “I said I don’t want to go visit the kids, ok? That’s all we do. I’m sick of it. Can’t we do something else for once? I mean, it’s not like anything changes, you know? We go. We’re completely ignored. We repeat the pattern again and again. Haven’t you noticed? Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.” Donald wasn’t proud that he’d brought this up again but it had to be done. They had lives too you know — him and Mary. At least, they had lives at one time. They’d had a life they’d shared. People say that a husband and wife can lose each other during their child-rearing days. But that wasn’t true of Donald and Mary. Trying to juggle three kids’ schedules was taxing. It left Donald and Mary little time for each other. Still, they were both invested in child rearing, Donald thought. They’d been in it together.

Now Donald wanted a life of his own. Not that so much — a life involved in the kids’ lives would be fine. A life with Mary would be even better. He still loved Mary — of that much he was sure. But he was angry with the kids — angry and hurt, as well as bewildered. Lately, trips to the “visit the kids” were more like watching television or a movie. Literally, the kids didn’t react to them. Oh, sometimes there was a slight reaction — maybe a moment of recognition. But then it was back to their own lives. If that’s how it was going to be, then why couldn’t he and Mary go on to have lives of their own too? He wanted to do something. He wanted to be something. He wanted to experience something. This wasn’t the retirement Donald imagined. Yes, given his druthers, Donald would prefer that something to be with Mary. But Mary seemed fixated on the kids and nothing else. Did she still harbor hopes that they could reconcile? Donald didn’t know. Donald did know that Mary cared for little else but repeating the same pattern over and over again. It seemed like that movie, “Groundhog Day.”

“I can’t believe you — I really can’t,” Mary continued lecturing. How long had she been going on? Donald didn’t know. His mind had wandered as it did more and more these days and he’d tuned out her scolding lecture at some point. “Don’t you know, the more time we spend away from them, the further they drift away?” Donald didn’t know that. He didn’t know that at all. It seemed to him that going to visit or not might be making little difference. It was true that they found the kids less often — that there was no denying. But did time spent “visiting” as Mary called it, have any impact? Of that Donald wasn’t sure. All this was old ground between him and Mary. There was no point in going over it yet again.

“Come with me Donald. Come with me just today. I have a feeling about today. Come on! It will be fun.” But it wouldn’t be fun. Donald already knew that. Why should it be fun today when it hadn’t been fun for a long, long time. “All right, I’ll go Mary. But just this once more, OK? I’m going because you’re asking me to go, but no more after this. I want to start doing other things after this.” Mary looked at Donald as if seeing him for the first time in ages. What else was there to do besides living vicariously through their three children?

Donald hated going to the airport even more than going to visit the kids. But going to the airport seemed a necessary part of this whole repetition. Going to the airport seemed logical enough. All the kids now lived in different cities far away from Milwaukee. But there was something deeper going on here. Donald didn’t have a clue what it was, but he was certain of it. He had his suspicions. Go to the airport in hopes of seeing those that were once an integral part of their lives. Mary would pull out that little tattered photo album of family memories she carried everywhere. They would look through it like they had a thousand times before. They'd comment on various pictures, telling each other the same stories. Arguing over the same points of irrelevant minutiae. A particular picture would draw extra attention. It was as though the two of them would be transported to one of the kids’ location instantly. That was the odd thing: They remembered going to the airport. But beyond that, there was no recollection of the actual flight. At least for Donald, there wasn’t. He was convinced that it must be the same for Mary because she avoided talking about their trip. Not that there was anything particularly noteworthy or enjoyable about air travel anymore. Only if you counted the occasional aggravation. No, 9/11 had destroyed what once had been the joyous occasion of travel. Once upon a time air travel was much like a luxurious ocean cruise, but not anymore.

Then on arrival, perhaps they would find the kids but more and more often not. Then the trips would be a complete waste of time. Even if they caught up with the kids, there was no recognition on the kids’ part. They acted for all the world as if Donald and Mary were not there. Donald couldn’t understand how they could be so cold. What had he or Mary done to be shunned like this? It bewildered him just like the airport did. Something happened that last time they’d all gotten together. It was to celebrate his and Mary’s 35th wedding anniversary in the Virgin Islands. Had he said something? He was kind of clueless that way. But he couldn’t remember anything. For the life of Donald, it seemed that they’d all had a wonderful time. Maybe it was that he’d let little Christopher get sunburned? Donald felt guilty about that, but no one seemed to blame him. Try as he might, he couldn’t remember any of Mary’s disapproving looks. Nor could he recall those of exasperation that he got from the kids when he did something stupid.

“So, who would you like to see first Donald? You pick.” Mary walked ahead as she always did and had seated herself to the side of one of the gates. She’d already pulled out the family album. The airport was busy today but she’d found a somewhat quiet, out of the way bench apart from the hustle and bustle. “Oh, I don’t care.” “Come on Donald, don’t be like that. You promised. Let’s look at the album. You pick.”

“Oh, I don’t know… Jason. Didn’t we go oldest to youngest last time? Let’s do it the opposite then. Let’s start with Jason.” “All right, Jason it is!” said Mary with exaggerated enthusiasm hoping to elicit some enthusiasm from Donald as well. “Oh look! Remember how furious he was that we went to see him at McDonald’s that first day he worked there? I thought he’d never forgive us for taking this picture. Jason was mortified.” He never did forgive us, Donald thought to himself. He just finally started talking to us again.

Just like that, Donald and Mary found themselves at Jason’s current workplace. Had they taken a taxi? Donald couldn’t remember. Secretly Donald was afraid he was getting Alzheimer’s. Was this how it started? Was this what it felt like? Maybe that’s why he found himself so irritable. He’d heard that people with Alzheimer’s could get downright combative. If it were Alzheimer’s to blame, he was blanking out for huge chunks of time. But Mary didn’t seem to notice and he was afraid to say anything. Whatever was going on, Donald completely and consistently blacked out the travel part. Donald sometimes dared joked with Mary that it might be Alzheimer’s. He did so on purpose to test whether Mary had any suspicions. Mary hated that. But she’d always hated his dark sense of humor. Donald suspected that Mary could remember nothing of their travels either. The complete travel blank started about the same time as these futile attempts at visits. Donald tried to write it off to coincidence, but it was a part of his suspicions.

Jason moved from their basement to San Diego last February. He’d wanted to get away from Milwaukee’s cold he’d said. That sounded reasonable enough, but his parents still worried about him being out on his own. Besides, San Diego was such an expensive place to live. “Hello, this is Jason from Transwide Mortgage. I’m sorry Mr. Lewis. We’ll need more verification of income before we can proceed with this loan.” It seemed Jason had a new job again. Jason was a hard worker but just hadn’t yet found his niche and floated from job to job. At twenty-five, he’d been an unplanned surprise. Donald and Mary felt sure it was a frustration and point of humiliation for him that he was not yet settled as his older siblings were. “He needs to be more upbeat, Mary. Customers can tell the lack of enthusiasm in his voice.” “Oh now Donald, he’s new at this. Isn’t that obvious? He’s never done anything like sales before. Him trying it should make you proud.” Donald had never been the best of salesmen himself. But he’d done all right. Hadn’t he managed to provide for the family all these years? Hadn’t he been able to keep up their part of the student loans for all three kids? “If only he would listen to me, Mary. I could give him some tips…” But Jason wouldn’t listen — he never had. Now Jason, like the other kids, seemed oblivious to anything they said. Jason didn’t even acknowledge their presence. It was as if they weren’t even there.

Break time came and with it water cooler talk of how stupid the boss was, how idiotic company policies were. Hanging around with some of the company’s malcontents, Donald thought to himself. Great way to start, kiddo. Then lunch time spent alone in Jason’s car drinking some sort of alcohol out of a flask and smoking a joint. Jason spent the afternoon surfing the internet, playing video games and pretending to work. After work came a workout at the gym. Then home to a shabby studio apartment. Jason spent the rest of the evening channel surfing between a rerun and a college basketball game. Finally, he fell asleep on the couch with the game still undecided. Mary spent the entire time trying to communicate with Jason or trying to get his attention. Donald dozed. When he wasn’t dozing, he watched the clock. He watched the squirrels outside. He watched the young women in the office. He watched TV. He watched anything to while away the hours. Mostly he dozed. At one point while dozing, his elbow slipped, knocking an empty energy drink can on the floor. That startled Jason. “Fuck.” He said. That immediately got Mary’s attention. But Jason went back to watching TV while fiddling with a disposable lighter. He didn’t give it another thought. Finally, it was time to go at last.

Far from discouraged, Mary insisted on going to the airport extra early the next morning. Amy was her favorite and of course, there was a chance they’d see the grandkids too. Even Donald looked forward to that possibility. Regardless, he didn’t argue about rushing to the airport. He knew this would be the last round of visitations for him. Only two more to go and he would never have to endure another one. Unless he wanted to again some time of course.

Oh good! Mary made a beeline for the Disney World pictures. Neither Mary nor he were happy that Mark, Amy’s husband, accepted a transfer to Orlando. For one thing, Mark was Donald’s football watching buddy. But mainly it was being so far away from the grandkids. Mark’s company gave managers at Mark’s level and above passes to Disney World as a benefit. Disney World had long ago ceased to be special to the Jewett family. But for Donald and Mary it remained magical. “Remember when Louella got lost? Look, there she is still crying but distracted by Minnie Mouse. The Disney staff were so great, remember?” Donald loved Disney. One thing he hoped to do with Mary was to talk her into another Disney cruise even if it were just the two of them. Going with the grandkids would be perfect of course.

They found themselves at Cinderella’s Castle. But Mark, Amy and their own three kids were nowhere in sight. Donald immediately dreaded the worst and saw the panic in Mary’s eyes. Would this be one of those times when their loved ones wouldn’t even be there? For Mary’s sake, Donald hoped not. “It’s still early. The parade won’t even be starting until dark. I’m sure they’re still at one of the rides.” “I’m sure you’re right, Mary,” Donald consoled her. “What say we stroll the park for a while before the crowd starts gathering?” “Don’t you think we should stay in case they do get here early?” “No no, it will be fine, Mary.” “Oh, you just want to wander the park for your own enjoyment. You don’t even care if we see Amy or not!” “That’s not true!” Immediately their tempers flared. Mary turned away so Donald wouldn’t see her angry tears. Donald knew she was crying but was indignant at the accusation and began stomping away. “You get back here right now Donald Jay Provost! Don’t you dare walk away from me!” “What difference does it make if I do or I don’t? You ignore me almost as much as the kids do.” It is a sad truth that what should be talked about at calmer times too often comes out only in anger. “You leave right now Donald and you don’t ever need to come back.” At that, Donald stopped cold. This was a tone Mary hardly ever used and he knew she meant it. For as often as Donald had contemplated going off on his own recently, Donald didn’t want to lose Mary. In fact, he was desperate to hold onto her. She was the only one he had left. Mary had come the few steps between them and touched his arm. “Look there they are!” She whispered pointing in happy relief. As though whispering mattered, Donald thought.

But the Jewetts were having an angry moment of their own. Little Chris was throwing a fit about something, having thrown himself on the ground. Mark was more furious than Donald and Mary had ever seen him. He was yelling at Chris to get up even using some profanity, which was unlike the Mark they knew. “Goddammit, Chris I’ve had enough out of you, young man. You know you’re too short for the Barn Stormer.” It had been a long and trying day for the Jewetts. This had not been a joyous Disney visit — that much was clear. Mark and Chris were gaining quite the crowd of disapproving parents and their terrified children. Now Amy was in the middle of incident too, scolding Mark to control himself in hushed tones. Pluto and Snow White were hurrying over. Donald was crestfallen at this turn of events. He so wanted this last visit to Disney World to be a happy time. Mary was hurrying over to Amy, “Amy dear!” And then it happened. Something that had never happened before. Amy looked straight back at her mother as though hearing her. It was only a fleeting moment, but still. Pluto and Snow White were doing their best to de-escalate the situation. They were good at it. Soon the anger was dissipating but the incident left everyone sullen and drained. For the first time he could remember, Donald took no pleasure in the Disney parade. Whatever that moment was where Amy seemed to be aware of her mother was not repeated. “Did you see that Donald? Amy heard me. I know she did. She looked right at me. Mary said in desperate need of reassurance. “Yeah. I saw it too Mary. You didn’t imagine it. It gave me chills.” “I told you we could get through somehow,” exclaimed an exuberant Mary.

The Jewetts left as soon as the parade was over. “We won’t be going back to Disney World anytime soon. I’ll tell you that much.” Mark went on and on like that as the family walked across the parking lot. He was almost dragging Christopher, who was acting up again, by the arm. “Oh Mark, just stop it. You’re worse than the kids. It wasn’t that bad.” At this, Mark wheeled on his wife, their daughter, as if to backhand her across her face. Donald and Mary watched on in stunned horror. Their only daughter cowered. But the moment was over so quickly that it left Donald and Mary wondering whether they’d actually seen what they had witnessed. Donald was furious, and felt powerless to do anything with his fury at the same time. He turned and watched the fireworks from the parking lot in complete silence, shaking.

The next morning, Donald and Mary said nothing of the disturbing incident the night before. Over the years, they’d become accomplished at avoiding unpleasant topics. Their burdened demeanors spoke volumes through the silence.

It was Mary that broke the silence first, “Donald, this changes everything.” “Does it? What’s changed? Did you notice except for that one moment, nothing changed? Things returned just like they were before. I think it was some kind of fluke or something.” There was a long pause. It was Mary that broke the silence, “Donald, don’t you want to see the kids again? I mean not just see them but be with them?” “What? Don’t be silly. Of course I do. How can you ask such a thing?” “Because sometimes I think you don’t. You’ve been fighting me about going to see them for a while now.” “Mary, in case you haven’t noticed, it does no good.” Mary looked away again but only for a moment, “Maybe it doesn’t, but we have to try.” “Mary…” Donald tried to wrap his arms around his wife, but Mary resisted pushing him away. “Mary, in case you haven’t noticed, it’s not just the kids who act as though we’re not there. Haven’t you noticed? No one else acts like we’re there either. Of course you’ve noticed. How couldn’t you have?” “Donald, don’t. We just had a breakthrough. Can’t you be happy with that? Can’t you allow me to enjoy that for a bit… Please?” Donald reached out and turned Mary to face him. “Mary, we have to talk about it sometime.” “Not now Donald…” Mary pleaded. “But when then? Mary, how are we affording all these plane tickets? Are you buying them? Because I’m sure not. And how are we winding up back at home in our bed every night?” “Donald please…” Mary was in tears again.

“Mary, something happened. You know it and I know it. We’ve been pretending that it was just the kids ignoring us for too long. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t.”

Mary composed herself as best she could pulling a kleenex out of her purse to blow her nose. “Donald? Can we just go see Jeffrey tomorrow… please? Can we just do that? Then I promise we can talk about all this. You’re right — we’ve been avoiding talking about it for too long. Of course I’ve noticed that something isn’t right. But I’m just afraid… I’m just afraid if we talk about it now, it might change things. We might not be able to see the kids ever again. I can’t bear the thought of that, Donald. Please, just one more day and then we can discuss it. I promise.”

Donald studied his wife. How did it ever come to this? She had always been the family’s rock — his rock. But now she looked so frail. For the first time, Donald noticed how much she had aged. “OK Mary. We’ll go see Jeffrey. It can wait one more day. But then we have to start figuring things out.” “I promise Donald. Thank you.”

Mary and Donald took their time getting ready the next morning. They did so in awkward silence, both lost in their own thoughts. Both were afraid to move forward from this point. Even without discussing anything, everything had changed. What if Mary was right and they could no longer travel to see their kids? Finally, they could avoid it no longer and got in the car to go to the airport again. Much to their relief, nothing seemed to have changed. They sought out a quiet place in the airport even though both now knew it didn’t matter. Mary pulled out the little photo album, her hands a little shaky. They took their time studying each picture saying little. Finally, they paused at a picture from Jeffrey’s high school yearbook. It was of Jeffrey’s senior musical. Jeffrey played the part of Lancelot in the school’s production of Camelot.

“He was good, wasn’t he?” said Mary. “Yes, he was great. I think it was one of his happiest times in all his high school years. Don’t you?” “Oh yes! That theater program was such a haven for our darling.” Jeffrey was their oldest and as such had a special place in their hearts. But Jeffrey had always been an introvert. He was in his late thirties now. The parents worried that he would forever be alone.

They found themselves in a large theater. Not a high school theater at all but a professional-seeming one. On stage, there was a rehearsal going on. A dance number from a musical neither Donald nor Mary knew. They scanned the dancers for the familiar face of their son. It made no sense that Jeffrey would be on this stage in any capacity. Jeffrey was a successful Wall Street stockbroker. He hadn’t acted or danced since high school that his parents knew of. They made their way backstage looking for Jeffrey there to no avail. Jeffrey was in the shadows in the back of the auditorium enraptured as he followed the rehearsal. Finally, Donald and Mary saw him there.

Donald and Mary walked up the aisle to their oldest boy hand in hand. It was the first time for such a gesture in forever. But it was not born out of affection so much as it was of fear. Things somehow didn’t seem the same and they both knew it. When they were close to Jeffrey, Mary blurted out, “Jeffrey, it’s me. It’s Mom. Can you hear me?” There was no response from Jeffrey. Some things hadn’t changed.

Donald and Mary waited for the rehearsal to be over while Jeffrey remained riveted. Both wondered about their son’s interest in this rehearsal. They said nothing about it to one another. Finally, the rehearsal came to a close. Jeffrey bolted from his seat rushing past them towards the stage. Donald and Mary followed. By the time they caught up, Jeffrey was in conversation and laughter with one of the actors. The actor was much younger than their son. The actor almost seemed young enough to be the nearing 40 year old Jeffrey’s son, Donald thought to himself. Jeffrey was more animated than his parents had ever seen him. It became clear to both parents that this relationship had special significance.

The two men were leaving the auditorium still engrossed in conversation and each other. They seemed oblivious to the buzz of the Manhattan theater district. But Donald and Mary couldn’t help looking around in the awed amazement of the tourists that they were. Realizing that they were falling behind, they rushed to catch up. As they did so, they picked up conversation having to do with dinner plans. The four waited at the corner for the light to change. When it did, Donald and Mary hesitated, distracted again by all the commotion. Jeffery and his companion immediately stepped out into the street still engrossed in conversation.

It all happened so quickly. Donald barely had time to hold Mary back. She let out a blood-curdling scream trying to rush into the intersection. A careening car appeared out of nowhere ignoring the red light. In hindsight, Donald doubted that the two boys ever saw the car careening towards them.

Donald never saw the impact or what ensued. For once he was grateful for his failing memory. He knew in his heart that Jeffrey was dead. An immense sorrow started welling up inside him. How could any parent endure watching their child die that way? And Mary… what about Mary? He knew Mary would never recover. Through his tears, Donald looked for his wife. As he did so, he became aware that they were seated at an upscale, trendy, Manhattan restaurant. Mary was next to him and to his amazement, their son and the other young man were across from them. Mary put her hand on Donald’s thigh. He looked first at her and then through the candles in the middle of the table at the two men seated across from them. “Mom, dad… Quinton and I have something to tell you.”