April 4th, 2050 

    My source agreed to meet me at 10:00AM on April 7th, 2050. We're meeting in Oxford by a boat-rental. Can't say I'm much for the idea of floating on the river (the luminescence puts me off), but it's the only place where they'd meet.

    April 7th, 2050

   I'm dictating today's entry on my phone Too busy. Didn't eat breakfast. Hey, watch where you're going! God, I hate cyclists...And I'm here. Time for some reporting. Only hope that this won't be a waste of my time...

    AL: Hello, you're [removed]?

    "Yes."

    AL: Wonderful. I'm Andre Lewis. Shall we?

    "Okay."

    AL: So, you told me that you used to work for the royal family?

    "Yes. For fifteen years."

    AL: Wonderful, wonderful. I'm afraid I'm not much for tact, so let's get right down to it. What's the secret?

    "They're all in on it. Family, staff, closest advisers."

    AL: Right. Okay. Now, about the Queen herself..?

    "Queens."

    AL: ........What?

    "Queens, plural. Let me start at the beginning. Have you ever read the Princess Bride?"

    AL: Yes. What does that have to--

    "In the book, the Dread Pirate Roberts has been terrorizing the seas for decades. Turns out that the real Dread Pirate retired long before and appointed someone else in his stead, who then appointed someone else when he retired... That's where they got to idea for it."

    AL: ...Go on.

    "The real Queen Elizabeth died about sixty years ago in a hunting accident while she was up at Balmoral Castle. Well, no one wanted Charles as king...so instead they found a woman from Blackpool who looked exactly like the late Queen and hushed it up."

    AL: ....From Blackpool?

    "Yes. Let me tell you, it took for-ever to train her out of the accent, but I think we did a good job."

    AL: ....We?

    "I was just a girl at the time. My mother was a drama teacher and they brought her in to train the new queen. The queen was called Lu, by the way."

    AL: Lu, eh? Huh. And how old is this Queen substitute turning, then?

    "Oh, no, Lu died twenty years ago."

    AL: Oh?

    "Yes. She was assassinated during a trip to Belgium. Thought they were being clever, I suppose."

    AL: I guess that explains why the entire royal family of Belgium was killed mysteriously...

    "Yes. The next queen was called Tiffany. She was from America."

    AL: Dead?

    "Yes."

    AL: And who's the current Queen, then?

    "Some old woman called Fiona from Scotland."

    AL: Scotland?

    "Take what you can get. Hey, isn't that boat acting a bit strange? Why is it drifting so close--"

    BREAKING NEWS -- MISSING REPORTER...