It all hit me when I turned 20; the past, the present, and the future. These are things that I had never even thought about, or at least not for a very long time. I guess you can say I had some sort of epiphany, a vision, or a self realization at the very least.

What’s wrong with me? Where am I going in life? Why am I so different now than I was five years ago? What am I doing to myself and who have I become?

These thoughts and questions began to flood my mind and filled my very being with uncertainty and discomfort. I couldn’t even remember when or how I had changed so dramatically. My whole character was different; broken, somehow. I always seemed to be angry, aggressive, disappointed, and disconnected; an emotional train wreck, if I may. I was stuck in a place where drugs and alcohol seemed to be the only place I could find comfort and solace. Those were seemingly the only things I could wrap my mind around to feel safe and happy. However, most times, I would just get lost in my own troubled mind. I was not safe there. In fact, this is where I would often turn against myself. At this time in my life I hadn’t even realized all the harm I was causing to myself; my spirit, my soul, my body, and my mind. In the end, it seemed as if my mental stability was really in question.

How did it come to this? What changed me? Was it all the drugs or was it the alcohol? Could it have been something else? Family problems, or what?

All I really knew was that I was not in a good place anymore, and I needed to get out - fast. It was one of those live-or-let-die moments for me; and I was not ready to die. As I thought long and hard about these questions, I decided it’s time for me to grow up. It was time to for me to be accountable for my actions, and learn to take control of my life. It was time for me to be a healthy person; spiritually, emotionally, physically, and most of all mentally. I wanted to be saved, and not in that Jesus kind of way - just saved from myself. I just wanted to be happy, healthy and normal again. This is a novel about my struggle from the cold, dark and lonely place that I was trapped in: to the warm, bright and happy place I am in now.

Because, I am not ready to die.

It was the summer of 2003. I was fifteen and living with my parents, Annabelle and Chester Bluesky. They were both unemployed and happily married. The only weird thing about this was that they were not my real parents. I was adopted into this family at a very young age. Actually, Annabelle and Chester were really my great aunt and my great uncle. Still, I’ve been their daughter for nearly my entire life.

My mother was a very wise, and friendly woman. She had medium length, brown, wavy hair. She also wore big framed glasses that rested on her small nose. My mother enjoyed reading, doing puzzles, making crafts and listening to country music. My dad, on the other hand, was sort of like a stone; he just was not an easy man to talk to. Especially when it came to feelings and other little problems; he was seemingly stoic. Nonetheless, he was still a very social man. He had plenty of friends and acquaintances throughout all of Blue Lake Reserve. In addition to this, my dad was a musician. In fact, he was once in a country band. Everyday, I would hear him play at least once, and if it wasn’t the guitar it was the piano. My mom and I enjoyed hearing him play, and he loved playing. Additionally, I also had four older siblings: William, Justine, Elijah, and Catherine. All of which had families of their own already and lived in their own individual homes throughout Blue Lake. Well, my oldest brother William had actually moved out of Blue Lake to be on his own somewhere. We hardly ever heard from him.

Although everyone in this family had already accepted me as their daughter and the little sister, I had never really grasped that idea in my mind. In fact, every now and then I would wonder what my life would be like if I had been raised by my own biological family. Now, don’t get me wrong; there was nothing wrong with this family. We all had our own little fights, laughs and good times. However, it was just there, clawing at the back of my mind. It was a question begging to be answered: Do you really belong here? In all honesty, I’m not even sure when or why I started thinking this. Truthfully, I had always known this was my adopted family - I mean, nobody hid secrets from me, or anything like that. But it’s not like anyone treating me poorly, as if I didn’t belong.  I guess I just thought that maybe I should give it a try. Try being with my real family for good this time. For this reason, I made the decision to move to Cherry Grove.

Cherry Grove is where my biological mother, Barbara-Ann Bluesky, lived, along with my older brother Dale and my younger brother Larry. I visited them during the summers for about a week at a time, as per the court agreements, for years. But this time, I wanted to be a part of the family, and not just some visitor every couple years. It’s just like my brother Dale said on a few occasions, “It’s like we’re not even a whole family. It just doesn’t feel complete without you. You’re the missing puzzle piece to make us whole.” Admittedly, I did have some bad memories from visitations in the past. On the contrary, I also had some happy memories! I mean, isn’t that what being a family is like? Sharing good times and bad times, of course. So, with that in mind, I had made the arrangements with my parents and Barbara-Ann, and everyone in between.

“Are you sure about this?” asked my mom. The three of us were sitting around the table discussing my options, and what I should do.

    “I think so. Well, I’m pretty sure I at least want to give it a try,” I replied. Up to this point, my dad hadn’t really said anything throughout the entire conversation.

    “Well, ok. I do understand, sweetheart. They are your real family. But I just want you to remember, we are still going to be here for you and we always will be. No matter how far you go, we still love you,” said my mother with a smile, “and don’t hesitate to call us if it doesn’t work out, or if you need something.” I nodded and looked to my father who appeared to be frowning. I could tell that he didn’t like the idea of me leaving, at all.

    “Dad?” He looked at me and took in a deep breath.

“Every time we went to pick you up after your visit with Barbara... you were either crying, mad, or relieved to see us. You were always hurt and upset. And then the last time we went to pick you up… you told me to never, ever bring you back to that place again. I don’t know what happened to you, but I promised that I wouldn’t take you. Now that you want to go back, I don’t know what to do. I want you to be happy, but I’m afraid you might get hurt again. And there is nothing I can really do, because I can’t stop you from making your own decisions,” he said with a confused and sorrowful expression. I gave him a reassuring smile.

“Don’t worry, dad. That was then and this is now. She said she quit drinking for some time now and my brothers really miss me. I haven’t even been there for years. I’ll be alright.” He let out a deep sigh and nodded, “fine.” My mom and dad both gave me a big hug and I thought to myself; everything will be alright. You guys don’t need to worry.

* * * * *

Throughout the rest of the week, I began to pack all of my belongings; clothing, video games, knick-knacks, electronics, right down to the very last scrap of paper in my room. To me, everything had a memory, and I definitely didn’t want to leave anything behind. Especially, since, this time, I planned on leaving for good.

At the end of the week, after all my packing, I wanted to visit my best friends one last time. So, I invited them all to my house the day before my departure. When they arrived, each of them gave me small gift to remember them by. I shook my head, and grinned.

“Ever crazy you guys, I could never forget any of you! We’ll all still be friends, forever. We can write letters or emails to one another. And if none of that will work out, then we can send smoke signals to each other!” I smirked then we all laughed wholeheartedly. Grace, Jocelyn, and Nell; these were my best friends. We were all the same age and have been going to school together for years. In fact, this year, we would all have been entering grade ten together, if I wasn’t moving. So, I was actually really sad to be leaving them. However, they each understood my reason for moving and agreed that it's probably for the best.

"We're going to miss you, Chloe," frowned Jocelyn. Jocelyn was my cousin. She had glasses, like me, and long, dark brown hair, which was always tied up. I had known her the longest out of any of my friends; practically my whole life! Whenever she would sleep over, we would always watch anime and play games like truth or dare. As a matter of fact, I remember this one time when she came over, we played hide and seek - just the two of us - and she thought it would be funny to pop out and scare me; However, out of fear, I ended up punching her in the face. We both laughed so hard that we ended up waking my parents and scuttled back into my bedroom. I smiled to myself when this memory emanated in my mind.

“Well, I’m definitely going to miss all of you too!”

"Yeah. It's not going to be the same without you," chuckled Grace, "with all your randomness, and jokes all the time." My friend Grace was a straight A student with straight, blonde hair with hazel eyes and she was pretty athletic, too. We were often competing for the best marks in class. You see, I too, was quite the brainiac. My other friend, Nell was definitely more quiet than the rest of us. She had braces and a soft voice; pretty shy, in fact. Especially in comparison to me; I was quite the chatterbox.

The four of us were hanging out in my empty room on a Saturday afternoon. It was a beautiful, warm summer day, but none of us seemed to be in the mood to play outside. Nell looked over at the boxes piled neatly in the corner of my room, "So, I guess you already finished packing?"

"Yeah... Pretty much. I just have a few more bathroom things, like my toothbrush and shampoo… But, everything else is is pretty much all packed up and ready to go."

"Well, we originally came over to help you, and to say good-bye. But I guess you've already finished..."

"Yeah, sorry about that," I replied with a chuckle, "I'm just... really, really excited, guys!" Nell responded with a half-hearted smile, "I know, it's alright..."

"So, Chloe!” interjected Grace, “umm, what's your family like in Cherry Grove?"

"Well," I started, "I can't really remember them too well, because I haven’t been there for years. Plus, I’ve never really visited them for more than a week or so at a time. So, I don't know for sure what they're like." I laughed, "but my older brother Dale is really funny and random! I guess he’s kind of like me, always making me smile, too. But, my younger brother, Larry, is pretty whiny and annoying. The last time I went there he got everything he wanted. He’s spoiled..."

"Don’t worry about it, all little brothers are annoying!" exclaimed Jocelyn. All of us laughed so hard, we couldn’t even catch our breath. At this point, my eyes began to water; not only because it was so funny and true, but because I was really going to miss my friends, my family, my home, my memories, and  laughter. Regardless of the distance between my family, my friends and I, I was still confident that we wouldn’t fall apart. Thus, I knew I would always have a home to come back to, and friends to welcome me back with open arms.

I was ready to start a new chapter of my life in Cherry Grove.