you were the most beautiful thing i'd ever felt, up until now of course. learning the small things about a relationship, one major thing that i have just finished learning, is you taught me how to love, and what it feels like to be in this. 

but you also taught me what it feels like to have that feeling taken away. and you proved to me who i truly wanted to be with. and then who i didn't. and you ticked every box and drew lines, you weren't mine to begin with. and now not to end with. 

you looked like everything i wanted and more, you taught me you weren't. you then became something i then came close to hating. then you did the worst, you let me leave, and then wish i stayed. you almost killed me, but i didn't die. i do not get to pick when i get hurt in this place we call earth, but i do get to pick who hurts me. and i chose you. 

falsehood, what is falsehood you ask? i was fully convinced you would remain the same, the most beautiful thing i'd ever feel. do you know how limiting that is? to think at such a young age i would feel this compasion for one specific person. you made me think nothing beyond this point could ever add up. to all the years ahead of me could never add up to be as sweet as you, that was falsehood. 

i don't live a balanced life, i don't cry i bawl my eyes out, i don't get mad i get raged, i don't get sad i get depressed, i don't get happy i glow. the good thing about being this extreme about emotions is when i love i give them wings, but that wasn't good enough for you. 

i didn't leave because i stopped loving you, i left because i started to lose myself and stop loving myself. 

you drove me towards this point, losing myself. 

do you see a bright flashing neon sign above my head that reads "use me" am i just another girl in your eyes? 

it must hurt to know i will be your most beautiful regret, as my name slips off your lips like i slipped away from you, you start to feel enraged, knowing you let me leave. 

i go out of my way to give you these things, but you never looked. as i sit in my room late at night watching my ceiling till the sun comes up, rivers fall from my mouth from the tears my eyes can't carry. 

trust that neither of us were happy, but neither of us also wanted to leave, so we kept breaking one another but we labeled it love. we were being so untruthful. 

we're so cruel, is that what love is now? i thought it would be the sweet flowers and birds singing, but this was a false accusation. a love like this won't last forever, i know this. but i do pray to god that the memories of you don't expire in my mind like our relationship did. 

does grieve have an expiration date? because if so i must know mine. i lost parts of you like i lose eyelashes, unknowingly and everywhere. i miss how you used to love me, it had so much to do with the person i was. but you took my love for granted, and minipulated me. 

as time went on i took your love and hurled it into stones as if it was hard to carry, and hard to take. 

i have now vanished, and you didn't do anything about it, but you'll never see this because i'm writing this for myself in my notes. what's the point?