Whatever is on my mind is going to be put here. 

Whether it's happy or sad, confused or pissed off.. 

feel free to read, but note that it's not really a book but more somewhere I can't down my feels and know that

I can look back and see how change.. 

I feel like i'm living  a nightmare, but then i truly think about it it's actually someone else dream. Crazy when you  feel like you hate something so much, that someone else is just dying to be in your place even if it's just for a moment, and when you stop thinking about it what you are going through feel like shit again. 

As I sit here and ponder of what might have been, 

I start to get angry and confused again. 

If things didn't feel wrong I could possibly be married which doesn't sound right, if you want to know more then just ask me.. 

Nor would I  be living in Aussie right now but instead a small town in the middle of NZ, called Palmerston North or also known as Palmy Army, Or  possibly  I could also be dead. 

Things happen for a reason and I know that it's true, but why has this life had to turn out like it has been for me, though I'm pleased with my life it's not how i ever imagined.. 

With my work at the moment of three jobs a week, living away from 98% of my family. It gets a little lonely and I just wish that something could change that but it's impossible at the moment.. 

I'm unable to sleep from the nightmare I have, i thought it had left, but boy i was wrong, as i toss and i turn I feel a slight concern that what is happening in my dream will one day be my reality.

Due to lack of sleep I plaster a smile upon my face, and say I'm great when really I'm not, 'cause I'm actually standing on the line of a breakdown, waiting to be on my own so I can cry and cry over and over.. 

  So with this i found that I'm not only just tired, but emotional scared and physically drained, just dragging myself around at the same time as lying just to please other and not be a worry... 

Trying to fix others when I need to fix myself, but can't on my own so just keep of drowning.  

blah blah and bleh bleh are in a relationship, 

blah blah and bleh bleh are in a engaged,

blah blah and bleh bleh are in married, 

blah blah and bleh bleh are expecting a baby. 

This is my new feed on facebook for the past couple of months, and it's starting to get to me more than i thought it would/should. 

I keep getting asked over here, where or who my husband is.. To which I have to reply I'm single.. 

And once the awkward silents has passed and they have gone, I end up feeling really annoyed, childish maybe but for me, it's a sense of emptiness of something missing.. 

I'm probably just being stupid on the other hand. 

FIRED 

Well not really fired, but half half.. 

pretty stressed and confused about it all, 

busting ya guts for little brats that don't understand in the first place, and for parents whom don't back one up once then get home.. 

the life of an au pair isn't all fun and games, Don't get me wrong i love it at times but most of the time i just wish i could  smack the child on the butt and tell them to grow up, sadly you don't have the rights to. 

the last two months have been full on, and I've felt myself get darker within my thoughts, which isn't best, and my health hasn't been feeling the best. yet i've stood by and tried to push on with the feeling I'll get laughed at for failing.