Marriage does not have particular parameters to define its mirth, but I suffered through Ramish cold heart; if I longed to hold his hand, he shrugged his shoulders and pulled his hand out of my love touch. After dinner, while clearing the dining table and ordering the kitchen clean, he briskly proceed to bed, When I lied down beside him , he recoiled himself to the corner of the bed. I knew that he did not like my presence but why? I tried to ask him but his cold attitude made me feel quite red-faced. I loved him and my acts were not to seek a sexual relationship, though he was my beloved husband and I cared for him profoundly as when two people are married, they must care about each other’s feelings. They don’t always have to agree, but they must behave in ways that make the relationship feel safe. I began to feel threatened and betrayed. Ramish refused to talk, it may be a sign that a secret second life existed. Had he become an unfaithful spouse who carried his life a private matter? There was no divine sexual morality left between Ramish and I, the divine sample of soul and body then appeared as a sin between us, but being a woman I was more anxious to obtain his love and care, as my heart often fled away from sexual immorality which was practiced by him and I silently endured that derogatory act as he had a legal allowance of his lust after the holy noose. How naïve I were, how I sustained those disparaging moments; as there was no dubiety that I loved him. I had no sense of marital rape or sexual harassment as a critical sexual sin.

Providence meant to make us together. I recollected down my memory lane and this solar day when he collected his documents and scampered to his newly found love.

Was it the virtuous perk of my blind faith? I received no response of my sobs and tears. The door of trust was padlocked then when I received his threatening phone call that if I would ever dare to give him a call or tried to meet him, he will divorced me. Ah! The last and the best ticket to my disgraceful marital status. The threat seemed to me preposterous after few months, as destiny confirmed the tormenting news of his second nikah with a lady.

The end of contrivance love after eight years , no storm or lightening occurred to hinder his path of infidelity but it smashed my faculties ,leaving with an incessant echo ,

‘Why did he do it?’

There was no response, not indeed by Nature but long, dark, lonesome, sleepless nights.

Years back, I planned to visit the northern areas with my friend .as that visit was planned out by my department; being in the last semester, we all were very excited. My father was a bit reluctant to allow me, but my elder brother convinced him. The journey began merrily, when we reached Lahore, we stayed there for a day; that day was a complete twist in my life. While roaming on the road, I was dropped down and could not stand up. I was taken to the hospital where the X-ray report said that my ankle was badly fractured. My all friends were worried, and then my in charge made a phone call to my father who immediately booked my air ticket from Lahore to Karachi. I had pain but above that the feeling of leaving my desired excitement of tour along with my friends. I reached Karachi where my father was anxiously waiting for me. I was taken to an orthopedic doctor who was very kind and greeted me cheerfully. The next morning was my broken ankle surgery, who knew that would end up in heart to heart ties. The doctor was very kind to me and asked me many questions about me. I told him that where I was studying and how did I fall down in Lahore and shared my remorse of not continuing my tour with my friends but who knew the real game of fate that my broken ankle would drive me to be in love with that young sawbones. I restored my injury and returned to my home where my father so lovingly looked after me. I remained on the clutches for a fortnight, meanwhile my friends returned to the city after an exciting journey. There was winter break of a week, later our academic session initiated, I resumed my academic session, by the time I could walk on my feet. Days passed by, a day something unusual happened; I saw my orthopedic doctor standing in the corridor of my department who waved me in a gay manner. When he came near me, I was surprised whereas he was so delighted. That was the day, the beginning which never let me behold at my back, I drove ahead as he said that he sought me for many days as he loved me the moment he saw me .

Love highly contagious, entirely futile and no doubt almost blind and we both were the worst victims. He was engaged to his cousin but he said that it was his mother’s decision, and he was sure that his mother would be agreed to his resolution of love. History witnesses that course of true love never sails smooth, so it happened a day when Ramish told me that his mother was cross on him when he declared his proposal to marry me. Ramish’s mother was quite stubborn and she did not agree to his decision to marry me. I shared about it to my elder sister who became distressed after knowing about Ramish’s engagement and his mother’s attitude. We shared it with our brother, who first smiled then patted my shoulder lovingly. We were three siblings , our mother died when I was born ,my brother was the eldest ,then my sister who was married happily and I were the youngest who was pampered by my father . When my brother brief it to my father, the very first thing he asked for, was a proper proposal by Ramish ‘s family. I knew that Ramish was trying hard to make his mother agreed to our marriage but she remained on negative mode. Ramish commenced his frequent drop in to our home and begged my father to allow us to get married. My father said to my sister that he wanted to talk to me regarding Ramish’s proposal. I entered my father’s room, who looked at me, his eyes exhibiting a profound concern, he asked me to sit on the chair. He did not come with chiding or threats but began to say politely.

‘I know that you want to marry him, were you knowing that he was engaged to his cousin?’

I nodded my head, he stood up from his chair and began to stroll restlessly, and then he resumed,

‘If I say that I would not allow you to marry this boy, until and unless his family would proceed appropriately,’

I raised my bent head, tears were brimming in my eyes, he stopped his conversation for a while, and then sighed.

‘Asmaraa… look such marriages are not apt to our society , I know you will be hurt , but in the long run you will be at ease , I may wait till the consent of his family ,otherwise there is no from my side. ‘

He left his room, leaving my propensities in dire. I was not banned to go outside, so the next day, I went to Ramish’s clinic and told him my father’s decision. He was discomposed and asked me to go home. I retrieved my steps to home where I found my father who was anxiously waiting for me. He did not ask me anything as he knew that from where I was coming from. It was the grand finale at Ramish’s home and after a persistent negative reply from his family; he came to our home in the evening and met my father.

My father listened to all his supplications and asked him a question,

‘Can you marry Asmarra tomorrow? Come at Zohar prayer, will you?’

Ramish took no time and within nanosecond, he said yes to my father; how it happened, God knew that. So Ramish and I happily married but not forever. After our Nikah , Ramish asked me to accompany him to meet his family , I was reluctant out of apprehensions but could not say no to him. It was pretty cinematic situation, I was pushed out of the home whereas Ramish was badly scolded, and in fact his name was struck out from his family. My first evening after the Nikah was wandering on the road; while Ramish was driving the car silently .We came back to my father’s home, where he dropped me and told my father that he was going to search for a place to live in. My father said that we could stay with him for the time being. We stayed there for a week, and then Ramish found an apartment for our dwelling. His one of the friend who lived abroad was the owner of that apartment, after listening to Ramish’s story, he asked Ramish to stay at his apartment, so we shifted to our new home happily.

My dear readers, you may comprehend my concern related to Ramish’s cold attitude, his frozen heart had ceased to exhibit endearment. That was the fifth year of our marriage, I did not conceive pregnancy, as a woman I yearned to be a mother and whenever I shared it with Ramish , either he became quiet or annoyed ,nevertheless we often visited to the best gynecologists in the city who came up with a medically certified verdict that I could be a mother , but why not yet , it was might be a God’s will , as I patted my restless longing . I tried to convince Ramish for his medical checkup, but his vexation nib the reservation .He was a doctor and his least effort was surprisingly dubious to my potential. Time kept on flying , my heart learned to seek refuge in compromises ; I shushed my aspiration to be a mother with a lullaby that not every woman can be having the consecration of motherhood; howbeit Ramish  frosty ,glacial behavior then stipulated to my lonely heart .

I never opened my heart to anyone, remained as mute as a church mouse; I realized it that Ramish had a problem of infertility but my love for him was above any physical pleasure, I loved him truly but his feelings of stress, depression, guilt, or anxiety in infertile cause psychogenic impotence, which heightens his feelings of inadequacy that already accompany infertility which created mental instability, along with our stressed marital status. I was aware that why Ramish glistened with ambers, whenever I asked him for a medical checkup and medication. He thought that diagnosis of infertility may cause infinite questions to his masculinity, associated with high level of stigma. I perceived his sexual dysfunction but never verbalized it, as his presence was like fragrance to me; nevertheless of my virtue it heightened insecurities in him. Ramish became depressive and anxious and believed his sexual inadequacy would generate social ridicule and his low self-esteem. He could not suppress such feelings for long periods of time without repercussions.

I recalled a night ,when he was deep in his slumber , snoring beastly , out of my inquisitive gene , I picked up his cellular phone but to my disappointment , the phone was asking for a code to unlock it , I had never checked his cellular phone but just to perceive the design of his extra marital affair . The code was beeping like a green serpent in my mind .In this all perturbation; I abandoned to mention that Ramish used to slip away from home for weeks silently; that was pretty troublesome for me. My brother who became my secret recipient searched for him far and wide, later we came to know that he was living at his mother’s house, as his family agreed to meet only him, however I was not welcomed in any aspect. It was the first rationale of our tiff but he substantiated himself by saying that he yearned to possess some space. ‘SPACE’ fleeing away from me, but why?

Life is unpredictable and mine was a roller coaster ride, Ramish and I were miles apart in every strand of marriage. One night, when he returned from his work, he was quite changed; relaxed and peaceful. We had our dinner and then as usual pattern, I was completing my household chores in the kitchen, I felt the warmth of his embrace as he hugged me from behind and whispered that he felt sorry for everything. His enthralling shower of lost veneration beguiled me unreservedly .He was the man whose powers were more subjugated sexually , in a wider contrast my heart being a woman learned to become attracted to the man I  fell in love with years ago.

I wished I knew what Ramish was really thinking about us; many important blank spaces addressed with honest answers about what he truly thought later perforated my heart and soul. 

The next morning, before I woke up Ramish left the home, again without intimidating me, he left for ever as his tone was defying me threats of divorce. I with bewildered propensities had no conviction of his last crime before takeoff. I woke up and as a sense of being at the marital threshold , I pursued his presence beside me but my other end was void but wrinkles  of bed sheet was unfolding his forsaken falsification, I searched him in that little apartment where we commenced our journey together. I was not receiving good vibes of him; I dialed his contact number which was powered off. I wildly rushed to his wardrobe which was all messed up , the drawer which was containing his documents , was exhibiting the tale of deception as it was perfectly all swiped away . He was then a fugitive, a delinquent of my morality.

I was dead, almost dead, then rang my cell phone, I hurriedly picked it up, Ramish was there on the other end; there was no guilty or shame in his tone, he sounded so peaceful rather happy as he narrated the tale of his mockery that he was going to tie in holy ties again that evening at his mother’s home and threatened me that if I would have been tried to create a scene, he would distort our lame relationship by ejecting three words of talaq . I was shocked terribly, my potential was numbed as a volcano was erupted fiercely, I managed to gather myself, just to inquire about his last night marital lustful rape of mine; he just chuckled and replied,

‘It was a long awaited answer of your persevere about my medical checkup; I am no longer sexually dysfunctional, Asmara.’

‘But I insisted for our baby, not for any pleasure,’ I broke into tears,

‘You know me Ramish , I am not like this ,please don’t do this to me.’

I beseeched I cried but he did not say anything and hanged up the phone.

That was the end of my tale, I was left with no aspiration but infinite apparitions wrapped me to an undefined destiny.

Dear readers, time is a magician, time has the best aspect that it passes away whether good or bad , the worst experience bestowed me more power than I ever had before. I mentioned it earlier that my small family with my brother and father who were always my supporters but I had no courage to share it with my father as his words echoed in my sense of hearing that such marriages are not successful. However I shared it with my brother who was fallen into the deep pit of grave silence. I kept on living in the same apartment where I came as a newly married bride as my father was a heart patient and my sibling and I decided unanimously that he could not stand that tragic deformity of his youngest daughter. Later, my brother got to know from somewhere that he married to a widow who had two sons and I know how manipulative was Ramish , as he assumed that soon people would take him as those boys father which may encapsulate his sexual dysfunctional syndrome.

Where that love was swept away, beyond my presentiments all whirled like a smoke in air as it had never happened to me. I was brutally stricken by male chauvinism that I were  taken as male chivalry pig for years, then as guinea pig on that sinful night of crime when a son of Adam tried to validate his sexual functionality.