I had never been so in love. I never knew it was possible to feel something like that . I'd thought I'd been in love but I hadn't. I thought this was it my only love I never ever want to go on another date again . I remember on the plane to Thailand and I just realised I'm in love when I thought , if we have a child it will be half of you and half of me . Our love would become a person that's when I knew it was real. But the day he ended it was the day I felt I wanted to die .

I was Lap dancing. I went back because he said I had no other choice of income . As I had moved into a new city and was struggling to get a job. He was an optistion on a very high wage. But I did it as he approved. I wanted to buy him a Rolex and get a cake made in a Audi R8 shape with his name on number plate as he took me to Thailand for my birthday 

. So I was willing to work hard. Work until Christmas so I'd have savings and our life could be set up. But I was wrong his word was not true. 

That day Saturday , he invited me out after saying he wasn't going out so I had arranged other plans to work . I wanted to make his birthday amazing , I was thinking long term not short .

He came into my work . The strip club. Boyfriends are not allowed and I was in underwear it was awful I don't want to go into detail but I'm sure you get the picture . 

It was a blur , he left I cried k went home he said it was over . 

That night I went on self destruct .

I hailed a black cab demanded to take me to an garage n drop me back. I bought a 70cl bottle of Russain standard thinking I might aswell do it in style . I cried and mumbled to myself smiling and drinking by the canal outside my apartment which was in his name. He had to live at home with his parent because he was Muslim and they wanted him there. They did not aprove of me even tho I never met them.

Anyway I stopped and sag my the canal I was going to jump in drown I don't give a fuck . I moved 300 miles to be with him away from everyone and he just lets me go like that. After everything he said and promised. 

Then I heard shouting from the 5th floor a black guy hanging out on the blacony I shouted back . He came down . I went back and I got smashed with them we partied then at 5am I went home . I see them as a god send because I would of jumped into the Canel that night .

I woke up still drunk spoke to him on the phone still sane situation screaming. So much pain I had never cried like this never in my life been like this . It's because I never loved anyone so deep. I smashed the flat up our pictures ruined I laid on floor howling . I wanted to die . So much I wanted to . I downed my vodka and I went out I bought 12 packets of paracetamol I still have some now! After 7 months . I walked to the park I'd never been to this park but always wanted to go in. Looking back it was beautiful but I felt I literally had nothing inside me empty . I couldn't give a shit . I was so bitter the bitterest anyone could ever be . I walked and sat down with my pills I wanted to over dose I took 12. Then drank. But nothing I laid on the grass by a tree I remember it being s beautiful day the only beautiful day I'd seen after 6 weeks living there. After a while of feeling awful n sore eyes I went home. I rang the suicide line . My emotions were also erratic as I had just come off the pill . The confined maybe that's why I feel so awful and the circumstances. I felt I had no one I was so far away from home . The next two days I stayed in and cried and slept to try make it go away . Watched box sets didn't eat. 

After becoming distant to life wondering how to die because I couldn't cope not being with out him. I rang my best friend if it wasn't for her I wouldn't know what to do. Then all my family and friends supported me I was around amazing people so amazing these people would never hurt me. They are on my side no matter what I do. They love me . That's what made me realise that no matter what if u loved someone you wouldn't hurt them like that. 

I'm just writing what I needed to let out for so long. No one knows about this . Writing is the best way to let it out . 

Love