Sharing My Life


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 The introduction to collection of thoughts and experiences is one that may immediately be a turn off for anyone expecting something intriguing or interesting or well written. Maybe it's just me though, assuming that what I have to say or share is boring. Me saying that is me trying to warn you. Not trying to intrigue you.

 You could say this is a personal journal. But it isn't very personal now is it? This is just me writing, sharing ideas, talking about experiences, just trying out this whole writing thing on for size. I don't really expect much of it. I guess I am doing this in part for myself. It makes me feel as if I am really talking to someone. I hope that it could help some, in the way that others will be able to connect and/or feel like they aren't alone in the world. I have looked online and have seen others who are very similar to me... Actually deep down I know I'm like many others. My thoughts are all rethought or more scrambled or imperfect versions of millions or billions of others before me. You're probably thinking like I am right now. "Yeah that's the case". What makes me different is how and when I think of these thoughts. Others such as brilliant philosophers, authors, or just average everyday people have most likely thought of what I have. What really makes me different? Out of all the people before me, and exist with me, there's a good chance someone lived or is living a life almost exactly like me or just has been or is in extremely similar circumstances that give them similar thoughts or conclusions regarding life. Obviously there is no way they've seen everything I have and heard everything I have in the way that I have. 

I can only hope my writing makes sense and is written in a way that you can at least comprehend. I know my writing skills need much improvement.. practice makes perfect write? See what I did there. 

It will take some time for me to finish chapters. I will do my best to correct myself and make things clearer, and easier for you to understand. 

 I will be sharing experiences and thoughts. Jumping from subject to subject randomly and writing freely not really organizing thoughts or my life story. Which I am assuming through many chapters will be told. You might conclude early on that I complain a lot or annoyingly leave subjects or thoughts half explained, but I believe that is an opinion you may or may not have.  But there are thoughts and subjects I will most likely go back to in time. I think I am probably writing this more for myself than to help others. But I do hope it will help it will help others in some way. Feel free to ask me about certain thoughts or subjects if you like. That is me trying to be a little less selfish if that makes sense? I apologize if I insult your intelligence by assuming things. I know my own isn't something to be proud of. At least, that is the way I see it. 

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The Permanent Problem

 Getting really tired of everything going on. Low confidence? My own intelligence pisses me off. My thoughts piss me off. My inability to do things pisses me off. The lack of motivation I feel. It is all like a big circle of self destruction... I'm malnourished, I have constant anxiety, I am stressed out. The depression adds to it and is probably caused by those things. I mean other things contribute to the depression. They also piss me off. The fact that I have yet to accept them and the fact that they even exist. Everyone tells me the same thing. They give the same advice. "Change your outlook" "Find God" "Focus on the more positive things". The problem is me. How can I accept life as it is ?? I do not completely understand how others can? They block out thoughts they block out the war, the famine, the suffering that exists? They focus on god? Is choosing to ignore or accept those things really moral? Is that really OK? I feel disgusted and a little horrified by it. How they can ignore these things so easily and I can not. Perhaps, there is something wrong with me? I know depression is not normal. But it is something I believe I have lived with since I was very very young. I have coped right? I simply have these thoughts and continue to endure. I never liked things as they were. I always contemplated why everything was the way it was. I felt everything could only be explained to a certain point. Everything just is. It just was the way it was. So many unsolvable questions that since I was young have made me not want to exist. As I have gotten older things only become more complicated and scary. Life becomes more difficult. I have always felt a burden. To my parents. To the woman who adopted my full blood brother Jacob and for some time me. I can enjoy things don't get me wrong. But as soon as it is over I feel ashamed and disgusted that I could be like others, so easily distracted. Change my beliefs? Come to see life differently? I just want to not exist to cease to be conscious. To see the small amount of happiness in an unhappy unwelcoming world. So that makes me a pessimist right? That is what you would think. That I just see the glass half empty. I don't. I see the glass. I see the half water filled. I ask why is it filled? What of the empty space? Why does the glass exist? Can we ignore the half empty glass? Is it really okay to just ignore the darkness of life?  I see that as wrong. Why? 

I have thought of all of this. I think it could be that due to my rough childhood and being surrounded by mostly empathetic people my whole life I am overly sympathetic. I am aware that there are people suffering and being hurt every second and that makes me uncomfortable because even if i spent every moment available helping others I can not help them all. That is what's wrong with the world maybe. The fact that everyone knows of the millions of those in need but sit comfortably like me and see it as futile. That makes me more sick. For being a part of them. For continuing. I don't want to exist I want the easy way out. To just give up and not want to deal with everything. Perhaps that makes me weak? Another thing that makes me have a low self esteem... I am not happy with myself in any way. My physical body and how the world sees it. If it is not supposed to matter much or matter at all then it is only supposed to matter to me right? Why does it matter to me? Because I want to be beautiful and admired like all of those who won't admit it. It should not matter. I see that. But I, deep down, want this and can not accept this. That makes me what? Wrong? Bad? Lazy for not bettering myself? People like me I see may not deserve to live even. So  I continue to waste others time and money and that makes me want to not exist again. I want help I have tried to seek it out. The man they send to me is named Brooks. He only tells me "you are looking for a permanent solution to a temporary problem". I am? This world will never change. That is a permanent problem. All of this. This endless circle. Is a permanent problem. 

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Now and the Future

 Looking to the future I'm not sure what to expect. Sometimes I am hopeful. Most of the time I am wondering how and when I will get there. I do not spend enough time doing what it takes to get there. That is because of the lack of motivation I spoke of earlier. What it takes to change is something I am attempting to obtain. Breaking down the mental barriers within myself. I like to tell myself that I am doing so by being more self aware. Is everyone as self aware as I am? Is it depression that brings me to constantly question myself and contemplate my existence? Or my self awareness? Either way is it healthy to do so? I want it to be. I feel that if it is so there is a chance I am not depressed. Just anxious a bit stressed and scared. It would make sense. I have bouts of joy and severe depression. The depression is definitely more common. With my uncle being here it makes things a lot easier. But lately it hasn't been  helping as much as it did at first. I can feel soon he will be gone again. He talks of leaving to Canada to live with his girlfriend. They have been talking for I am not sure how long exactly. Maybe a few years. He's been talking about leaving for around 3-4 months. It is just difficult because the legal matters concerning him leaving the US and entering Canada. Good for him though. She is doing very well off. For me I'm not sure how well it will be. I miss my old home. I loved being self sustaining. Being able to have all that privacy and freedom. Feeling accomplished. I felt it wouldn't last. Something always would happen being in that town (talking about Lubbock). A lot happened. First, my mom started having trouble with her boyfriend Gabriel, her new drug addicted friends, and her not having a job or any source of income other than Gabriel. Second, my uncle, the person I looked up to most in life came to stay with me. It wasn't his fault whatsoever. But it brought me to where I am now.

Nora, his mother, married my mothers father around the time my mother was a teenager. They were divorced around 5-6 years ago. It was a pretty tragic tale that I may or may not get into later on. Anyway, there is no blood relation. I only knew her when I lived with my grandpa due to granted custody. He  had somehow proven my parents and Rosalinda were unfit to raise me and my full blood brother Jacob. I am unsure of the details as I was only 11 years old at the time.  Back then, I called Nora grandma. So it feels I suppose somewhat normal to call her grandma.

My uncle had gone into the military to be a US airborne infantryman. He had come out of it due to his wife leaving him, alcohol, and drug addiction. All most likely related.  He hadn't spoken to his mother or father in 5 years... It was hard for him to message his mother asking for a place to stay. But we had no where else to go except my mothers trap house and a shelter. 

Now here I am. All I can contribute each month is my $200 food stamp benefits obtained each month on the 12th through a food stamp card. It is difficult for me. My uncle now has a job working with cotton and contributes any amount of money they ask for. He hopes to get to purchase a vehicle, and then leave to Canada as soon as possible if possible. It is a complicated matter indeed. I am finishing school. I missed a lot of school for many reasons the main one being my parents being drunk or just lazy. I get angry still that I didn't just walk or keep trying to get them up. Growing up I didn't know how much it really mattered. It was never stressed to me the importance of attendance and my GPA. Now, I am finishing school working towards graduation. It is difficult. Everyone expects so much of me. The principal Mr. Williams thinks I am some sort of genius. I don't want to disappoint him. Him or Mr. Morales. Who believes in me as well. He seems to really try to understand and help me. I am a little unsure if it is pure sympathy or sympity (which I know is not a word). I am not entirely sure telling him my story was a good idea. I wanted their mutual respect not the pitiful stares I feel I get. I tell myself they simply sincerely care and want to help. But as I have said, I am unsure. I do not mean to insult their morality or insult their character by insinuating they are not sympathetic in nature. Whether it was out of sympathy or pity, I am not used to people caring as much as they have.  

When I go to college if I eventually do.. I want to major or minor in journalism. I want to put my life in danger in order to inform others. I want to report stories that inform and intrigue the world. I want to be one of the journalists responsible for changing the world for the better. I want to travel the world as well and see and meet amazing people. That is  my dream. My only motivation. And I am constantly doubting myself due to low confidence. Can I do this? Can I achieve such a goal? Am I strong enough or wise enough? 

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