Imagine breathing in. Actually, breathe in right now. Start manually breathing. Now imagine what it would be like to be completely submerged, leaving all your air behind. Imagine your lungs burning, screaming for air, but being unable to provide it. That's what drowning is like.

That's what I experienced when I was eight. That's what I never want to happen again. One of the reasons I’m so uptight about it is because not only was I eight, but I experienced what is known as an NDE, a near-death experience. They say your life flashes before your eyes. I had no life to flash before me. My only thoughts where begging my parents to save me and that my brother was to blame if I died that day. My newborn brother almost killed me, simply by existing.

It's what haunts me to this very day.

No one ever taught me how to swim. I just figured it out on my own, I guess. Swimming is really all I have these days, but it’s also the one thing I hide from. It’s kind of ironic, isn’t it? My safe haven is also my deepest and darkest fear. The one thing I once trusted with my life almost shamelessly took it from me like a kleptomaniac incapable of feeling remorse. It was supposed to be a nice, sunny day at the beach, but it ended up much more.

I swim out to the deep waters. I smile as I pant. "Dad, look!" I yell.

He doesn't hear me. I frown. "Dad!"

He's playing with Aidan. Mom is smiling. It's like I don't even exist. Just as I'm about to swim out farther, a large wave crashes over me. I go under, frantically flailing my arms about to go above water. I make it and quickly take a deep breath. The waves keep pushing me down.

"Mom! Dad!" I shout. They ignore me. I see baby Aidan's face turn into a vicious grin despite the distance.

"Dad!"

He turns to me excruciatingly slowly and waves his hand side to side. I gasp and water fills my lungs. I begin to sink. In my dying breaths...

I scream and sit up in the bed, panting. My hands are sweaty and my breathing is ragged. When my breathing slows down I look to the right at my bedside table. My alarm reads 2:09 AM. I sigh. Just like every night, I grab the pencil next to the alarm and write down the time in the notebook next to it as well. The previous few nightmares had me waking up at around the same time. The sad part is, every time it's the same thing. I'm at the beach again, and I'm screaming for my parents as the waves crash over me. Only, they never make it. They're too caught up in four month old Aidan to care that I'm dying before their eyes.

"Noah?"

I turn to see my eight year old brother in the doorway. I'm still trying to control my breathing. I can't look Aidan straight in the eye. He knows about my phobia, and he knows about the accident, but he doesn't know that he's the reason I almost died that day. It's almost always difficult to look at him after my nightmares, but thankfully, he rarely comes after them. Which brings me to the question...

"Aidan? Why are you up?" I ask.

He frowns at me. "Mommy said to me what to do if you get a bad dream. Do you want anything?"

I clench my jaw. Mom has always treated my phobia like a mental disease. It's a fear of drowning or sinking, not epilepsy. She has steps for what to do if I have a panic attack. I curse under my breath, knowing not to do so out loud in front of Aidan.

"No, Aide, I'm okay," I reassure him. "Do you want me to tuck you in to bed?" He shakes his head vigorously and leaves. He leaves the door open a little bit, like everyone always does so they can hear me if I freak out.

I flop back on my water mattress, closing my eyes and imagining I'm at the pool. I wasn't always like this. I used to be a normal kid until I almost drowned when I was eight. The only ways it really affected my life at the time were the nightmares and panicking while swimming. Then as I got older and realized it wasn't going to go away, the nightmares got worse, and I almost suffocated in my sleep. That's why I have a water bed. It gives me the feeling of floating on water, so if I have the dreams, I usually am just floating. Among the other complications were not being able to shower properly and having panic attacks when water enters my nose or mouth uninvited, or covers my face. People stopped pouring drinks on me a while ago.

I really hate this phobia, and most of us should know how high schoolers are. If anyone from school found out about it, one of my rivals would hear of it, and I'd be dead soon enough. The only people who know are my family, my swim coach, and my teammates on the swim team. Nobody else knows, and nobody else needs to know. I guess if I got a girlfriend who I was close enough with, she would know, but I doubt that'll happen soon. The only girl I have my eyes on is Evelyn Walker, a beautiful brunette with blue eyes who I've known since junior high, but she has a boyfriend. His name is Trent and they seem pretty happy together. I close my eyes and groan.

"Noah? Tutto bene?" asks my mother from the hallway.

"Sì, non ti preoccupare," I reply, hearing the slight lilt in my voice. I feel the bed dip as she sits down next to me. "I'm fine."

"We heard you," she says quietly. It boggles people sometimes that she has no accent. We've just been living here too long. Both Aidan and I were born in America starting a few years after my parents left Italy.

"Aidan came," I say.

"We know."

We're quiet for a while. I sigh and open my eyes to look at her. Her auburn hair falls over her shoulders and her green eyes are sad. "Mom," I say. She turns to me. "Why did you tell Aidan? He's just a little kid. I don't need him treating me like I'm a fragile china doll, too."

"He wanted to be able to help you, Noah. He's worried."

"Does he know...?" My mom shakes her head. I nod and close my eyes again. "Go, I'll sleep," I say.

The bed rises slowly as mom walks away. I turn on my side, away from the alarm clock, the notebook, and the door. Soon enough, I drift into sleep.

* * *

I wake up and push myself off the bed. I stand up and groggily walk over to my wardrobe. I sigh.

I see a boy, about sixteen years old, with stormy grey eyes and brown hair. His face is red and stained with tears. He might have cried himself to sleep the previous night. His figure is decent, he appears to exercise, but he looks as if he doesn't sleep well. He nervously runs a hand through his hair.

That boy is me, Noah Ashton Rivers.

After a shower I fix my face. The puffiness has gone away and my skin has regained a little more of its normal color. I'm wearing a blue shirt and grey shorts.

It's my first day back at school. My summer was... uneventful. Besides my nightmares, swimming and hanging out with Evelyn, Chris and Jesse, my summer was boring. Just like a normal kid. We had wanted to visit Italy, but dad had a business trip.

My parents and brother are already eating breakfast. Mom made pancakes, and I welcome the scent. I eagerly sit in my chair and start eating. Aidan is stuffing his face. His brown eyes are sparkling with anticipation. You can tell from a distance that he's eager to meet his new classmates. I smile, wishing that I could have been that happy when I first started third grade. The lack of sleep caused by my nightmares was already taking its toll by then.

"Aidan!" my mother scolds. "Don't eat like that!"

"Calm down, Alessia. He's third grade now. He's excited," my father intervenes. My mother sighs and Aidan swallows a large bite of pancake. I finish relatively quickly, and leave my plate in the kitchen. I kiss my parents on the cheek and ruffles Aidan's hair.

"Have a great first day, buddy," I say to him. He nods excitedly with his cheeks full of food. "Bye, guys!"

"Have a great day, Noah!" my dad shouts after me. I give him a thumbs up and grab my backpack. I sling it over my shoulder just as I swing the door open. A black Mercedes is waiting outside and my mood soars. I shut the door behind me and run into the back seat.

"Amigo!" exclaims Jesse from the passenger seat, extending a hand. I laugh and shake it as the door slams shut and the car starts forward. Jesse's got long brown hair to his shoulders, but it's the blue eyes that get girls running to him. Well, that and his rock-hard abs which were pretty much nonexistent in freshman year. He can also rock the band shirt and jeans look pretty well, and today he's wearing Three Days Grace.

"That's Spanish, you faggot!" I reply and grin. "I'm Italian."

"Of course you are, man. I just forgot to check. What was it?" he asks.

"Amico," I say.

Jesse looks stunned. "What?" he asks. "That's the exact same thing!"

I shake my head. "No it isn't. It has a 'c', not a 'g'."

"Whatever," he says. I look in the rear view mirror and see Vince, Jesse's older brother, in the driver's seat. He bears a striking resemblance to his younger brother, despite having shorter hair and looking older.

"Yo, Vince, how's it going? You seen Cathy yet?" I ask. Vince is a sophomore in a local college, and Cathy is his girlfriend. They've been together since freshman year. He nods and smirks at me.

"Cathy is great. What about you, Noah? How many girls?" I chuckle. Vince has always been making jokes about us being part of the populars. Evelyn jokes around that we're just like the popular guys in the stories she reads.

I grin, remembering the beach days with her and Chris. Speaking of which, he's sitting next to me. He chuckles and I know he's remembering too. I take in his appearance. His blond hair is back to just below his ears. He's wearing black jeans, a light grey shirt and Vans. He turns to me and smiles. It's a real smile, and that makes me happy. He winks at me and turns away as I burst out laughing.

"Okay guys, you two don't have inside jokes often. What happened?" demands Jesse.

Chris and I are still laughing. "Some girls," I choke out. "They... hit on Chris..." He's in tears now. "He blew them off... So they came to me..." I still remember their faces when he said he had a boyfriend and winked at me.

"I told them Noah was my boyfriend. He got the hate glares reserved for the nerds the populars meet who end up their girlfriends," explains Chris. Jesse and Vince double over in laughter. While they're distracted, I take Chris's hand and give him a reassuring smile. He weakly returns the gesture before frowning. I sigh and nod.

When we arrive at school, Chris holds me back. I turn and see his pleading eyes. I know what he wants. I look up at him(he's a bit taller than me), then press my lips to his. He responds almost immediately and I'm scared to give him the wrong idea, but I pull away and click my tongue.

"Chris. First day. I told you, I'm safe zone and I want to be known as straight," I scold. He nods.

In the hallway, people greet us with cheers and snarls. I laugh at the confusion of the crowd. Most girls would kiss our feet, but there are the select few who find us revolting in every way and escape being ensnared in our physical charms. I like to call them Divergents, like the book. I scan the crowd, but I can't find Trent or Evelyn.

"There she is!" exclaims Jesse. I look at her and smile. She's talking to a new girl by the lockers. She's blonde and is wearing a hoodie. The conversation is most likely about the school and fitting in. The blonde turns and stares at me. She's obviously checking me out, so I smirk. She quickly turns back to Evelyn, who after a while, glances to me. I use the opportunity to wink and smile crookedly. She doubles over in laughter at my imitation of the beach girls. I turn to Chris and Jesse.

"Guys, I'm gonna go see Lynn, okay?" I say. They nod and I turn to Evelyn and her friend.

"Oh my god, he's so hot," says a voice I don't recognize.

"Ugh," scoffs Evelyn. "Don't talk about him like that."

"But... you're jealous!"

"What the?"

"Why else not?

"It makes me feel icky. Eugh."

I stand in front of them and clear my throat. "Aw, Lynn, am I not hot? That hurts my ego," I whine, pouting with a hand over my heart. The blonde looks like she's about to faint. Evelyn is a whole other story.

"Noah!" she exclaims, hugging me. I chuckle and hug her back.

"Lynn, I saw you two days ago!" I laugh. The blonde stares at us in shock.

"That's a decade when it comes to you!" Evelyn whines. I smile faintly and kiss her forehead. She pulls away from me when the blonde clears her throat. I wink at her and hear her breathing hitch. I stride up to her and lean my elbow on Evelyn's locker.

"Hey baby, your friend's no fun. Clear up your schedule 'cause we going out," I say, my voice low and husky. She backs up, afraid. Evelyn can't control her laughter anymore, and soon I follow.

"I can't believe... you did... that!" Evelyn chokes out between laughs. The blonde stares at us weirdly, but oh well.

"Neither can I... But really... Her face when Chris said... I was his boyfriend..?" I laugh.

"That was priceless, Noah, fucking priceless..." she compliments.

"Only because you get it," I scowl. She punches my arm. I hiss in pain. "Ouch, Lynn! Violent much? Oh yeah, what's your name?" I ask the blonde. Her eyes widen.

"U-uh... Naomi...?" she responds, unsure. I try to smile, but it falters when I hear Trent sneak up on Evelyn and kiss her. I sigh. Trent is Evelyn's boyfriend. He's in our little group.

"Noah isn't the kind who tries to take the innocence of girls," Evelyn says from behind me. Naomi sighs in relief.

In that moment, I feel insulted. What the hell? Who does she think she is to judge me by my status? I clench my jaw. So now I'm not only the golden child, but a player, too? All because I'm one of the more popular students. "This is bullshit," I snap. Naomi flinches. "I guess if I'm the guy who screws virgins, you're the shy girl who's actually a total slut." My voice came out lower and harsher than I had meant, but who am I to care now? I narrow my eyes at Naomi and turn to Evelyn.

"Noah! Why would you say that?" she asks. I scoff and roll my eyes. She knows how I feel about these kind of things.

"I'm going to class. See you later, Lynn." I turn to Naomi.

"Puttana," I say under my breath as I walk away. I honestly don't care that Evelyn is taking Italian because of me. As predicted, she shouts my name angrily. I walk away. I'm insulted, pissed off and hurt that the girl I've known since middle school didn't defend me when her new friend did the one thing that she knows grinds my gears. She didn't do anything. Some friend.

When I reach the class, I sit down in my usual seat and take out Paper Towns. Most people I know haven't even heard of John Green or anything he's written besides The Fault in Our Stars, but Paper Towns is a pretty good book. This girl the main character has known since childhood takes him on an all-nighter to get revenge on a bunch of people, and disappears the next day. The rest of the book is spent trying to find her. Jesse comes up next to me. I scowl at him. He throws his hands up in mock surrender.

"Woah. What crawled up your ass and died?" he asks. I scoff.

"Lynn's new best friend, Naomi," I reply, saying her name like it's a disease. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Now that I think of it, she looks kind of sketchy. Naomi looks like the kind of person who will leave Evelyn to rot when she becomes popular. Those are exactly the kind of people Lynn needs to stay away from. I know how she feels when friends leave her, and that's why I make sure never to leave her out when the other populars talk to us. She'll be heartbroken if Naomi is using her.

"I see," Jesse says, giving me a knowing smirk. "You jealous, Noah?"

I snort. "Me? Jealous of a little bitch? You know me better, Jess." He laughs and shakes his head.

"Sure," he says, his tone suggesting something completely different.

I shake my head. "I'm just... I don't trust her. She seems sketchy." Jesse chuckles.

"Noah, it's our first day as juniors. Of course everyone new looks sketchy. You haven't been learning with them for two years," he points out. I nod. That might be true.

"As right as you are," I counter. "Had she not thought I was trying to get her virginity, she would've thrown herself at me. You should have seen the look in her eyes. She isn't Divergent. She's just hiding. I think she's using Lynn as a link to get into the popular crowd." He frowns. Naomi and Evelyn walk in together. We both tune in to their conversation.

"Sorry about Noah," Evelyn says, sighing.

Naomi shakes her head. "It's fine. I was wrong to judge him. He just could've been a little less intimidating about it, you know?"

"Yeah. He's hard to read. Sometimes even Chris and I don't know what's going on in his head," Evelyn muses. I scoff. She turns to me and narrows her eyes. Jesse notices the tension between us as I silently watch her sit down next to me with a neutral expression. I am happy to see her, but Naomi just ruins it for me. I should talk to her about Evelyn, but not today. I'll just let things unfold before confronting her about how little trust I have in her. I'll give her a chance, but if she even gives the slightest hint that she's using Lynn, I'm acting.

Naomi sits down in front of Evelyn. She meets my gaze. I glare at her, and after a while she turns around, blushing. What the-? "Noah, I'll be on my way," Jesse informs me, and I simply nod. I look to the door and see a couple of blondes and an artificial redhead walk in. The two brown eyed blondes are wearing matching plaid skirts and Ed Sheeran t-shirts. I know them as Brittany and Ainsley Novak, twins on the cheerleading team, a.k.a. the slut duo. They've seduced, or tried to seduce, every remotely popular guy in the school. It's the redhead behind them who catches my attention. She has captivating brown eyes and just as I notice her band t-shirt for some band called The Neighbourhood and decent denim shorts, I see the key on her necklace. It seems to hold some deeper meaning, and immediately I'm curious. She's new, seeing as I know, or have seen, everyone so far. She stands at the desk in front of me and is quiet. She looks at me and I don't see lust in her eyes. I smile.

"Hey there, divergent," I chirp happily. She tilts her head and brushes some of her hair out of her face. I note that it goes down to the middle of her back. She looks to the desk, and then to me. I nod and she sits down. I turn to Naomi, who scoffs. "Not a player, he says," she mumbles. I shoot her a glare and she gives me and obviously fake smile, then flips me off when Evelyn looks away.

Is it wrong of me to think that this girl is suspicious?

At the end of the introductory class, I try to catch up with the redhead. I find her easily and tap her on the shoulder. She jumps and stares at me shocked.

“Hey there, divergent,” I say to greet her. She looks confused. I chuckle. “Divergents. That’s what I call the girls who don’t throw themselves at the popular guys. Like the book by Veronica Roth?” She nods in understanding. I smile at her. She’s awfully quiet, and that gets me thinking. She looks down at her feet, so I gently push her chin up with my index finger to get her to look at me. She doesn’t meet my gaze, and I can’t help but wonder why. I place my hand back at my side and watch her for a moment. She notices my gaze on her and blushes. I can’t see why she would, but- oh right, I’m popular.

I hold out my hand. “Well, I’m Noah. Noah Rivers. You’re new here, right?” She shakes my hand weakly and nods. “What’s your name?”

She looks up at me worriedly and looks around the hallway. What is she looking for? It’s pretty much empty. “Well, I have Biology next, what about you?” I ask. She nods, and I’m assuming she means she has the same. I gesture for her to join me, which she reluctantly does. There’s obviously something I’m missing here.

We arrive at the classroom, which I remember extremely well. I used to pass by here and think, ‘One day I’ll be in that class!’ then smile and walk off. I honestly have no idea why I was so excited for Biology. Maybe it was because then I was working on convincing my parents to buy me a dog? Anyways, long story short, I don’t have a dog. The teacher looks disappointed when she sees me walk in with my arm draped over some girl walking extremely stiffly. I shrug at her, then let the redhead go. She looks around the class and relaxes a bit. I smile faintly.

“You okay? Seemed pretty nervous back there,” I point out. She nods and starts to sit down in front of a guy called Collin, who sits in the back row of every classroom. I grimace at her and mouth ‘total player’. She sees his lecherous smirk and moves to sit in the second row. He pouts, trying to be attractive. I sit down in my third row seat, in front of Collin. He scowls when he sees me. I flip him off discreetly.

A paper lands on my desk. It reads, I’m not allowed to be seen with you or anyone else popular. I look at the redhead. She frowns. I write down What does that mean? and pass it back. She bites her lip. Had I not promised never to fall for a divergent, I would find it attractive. I should introduce her to the others.

I'm not allowed. I'll get in trouble.

I frown. The teacher stands up. "My name is Mrs. Reeds. You will be learning biology with me this year."

"Obviously," snorts Adrian Moore, a rival of mine. He's also been trying to hook up with Evelyn since freshman year, the jerk that he is.

"Shut up, Adrian," I snap. "Let her speak."

"Pet," he mumbles. Mrs. Reeds nods and tells us to introduce ourselves.

"Kara Flynn. I'm from Seattle."

"Matt Dane. Oregon. I'm known for things." Like being a huge faggot and almost overdosing on cocaine.

"Dakota North. I'm divergent, boys. Noah can explain it to you," says a blonde, winking at me. I smile. Dakota is one of the more outgoing divergents. She teases guys, then hilariously rejects them.

"Collin Carter. I'm available, ladies." He winks at the girl in front of me. She shudders.

"Noah Rivers. Divergents are all the girls who refuse to fall at your feet. I'm probably the only popular person who doesn't get to know you for your looks," I say.

"V-Velia," the girl in front of me stutters.

"Louder, please," asks Mrs. Reed.

"Velia Novak," she says. Her voice is shaky. My heart sinks. She's a Novak?

Well, she was apprehensive. Maybe she doesn’t want people to know that she’s related to them. Then again, claiming she’ll get in trouble if she’s seen with popular people? What’s that about? Seen by who, the twins?

Everyone stares at Velia. I put my hand on her shoulder. She turns around and frowns. I smile. "Guys," I say sternly. "This isn't a theatre." They turn away and continue introductions, but I’m not listening anymore. Velia now has my undivided attention. Suddenly, I have the urge to learn. I want to learn about her, become her friend, and include her in my circle, but I don’t know if she wants the popularity. Plus, if she isn’t allowed to be around the popular people, how would the twins react to her literally becoming one of us? It’s something I don’t want to consider right now.

Mrs. Reeds assigns us our textbooks at the end of the class and tells us to read the first chapter. She then dismisses us and I tail Velia to the cafeteria. I notice how she tries to make herself hidden as soon as she’s out in the open.

“Velia!” I shout when she’s by the entrance. She stiffens and slowly turns around. I notice that Brittany is nearby and has turned to see whoever has offended her rule. Like anyone genuinely likes her. Ainsley has noticed as well, and Velia gives me a pleading look, like she’s begging me to pretend I hadn’t just shouted her name. I change my gait and clench my fists. She looks intimidated, and I grab her roughly and pull her away from the twins. When we’re out of sight and earshot I release her. She sighs and slumps against the wall.

“What the hell was that?” she asks after a while. My mood skyrockets. Her voice is sweet, like honey, and I recognize the Italian lilt that I grew up with. I hadn’t noticed it before because she was so quiet. I should have guessed when she said her name was Velia.

I decide to get to the point. “Why can’t you be around us?” I ask softly. She starts shaking. “Velia? It’s the twins isn’t it?” I follow her gaze and see Chloe, one of Brittany’s followers. My curiosity dissipates and I glare at Chloe. She cowers and runs off. For a while, the only sounds are that of our breathing.

“They don’t want me to associate with anyone... They say I look bad to the family. They don’t like me. We aren’t blood-related,” she whispers. I frown.

“Why are you going to ruin the name?” I ask.

“Our father got my mother pregnant a few months before theirs. He supported us for a few years and visited, but then cut off all ties. My mother and I grew up in Milan, and I was sent here a few years ago when she was arrested for murdering someone and their child,” she says the last part quietly. “I had to move to this school because they complained about the wasted time in the morning.”

I nod and hug her. I don’t know exactly why, but she’s talking about something that seems to hurt her. I am truly regretful for asking, but at least I know why she’s being hidden away. I don’t like the idea of this.

“I’m assuming they treat you badly,” I say, my voice cold and hard. My face shows no expression. She nods into my chest. “You can stay by me. My friends are nice.”

Velia moves away from me. “No. No, no, no. That’s a bad idea,” she says, worriedly. She begins to pace back and forth, causing me to chuckle.

“Smettere di preoccuparti così tanto,” I chide. She looks up at me in shock and a bit of joy. “Yes, I’m part Italian as well, you’ll be fine. So?”

After an agonizing silence, she accepts my offer with a slight nod of her head, and to keep the twins off her back, I don’t see her until she goes home at the end of the day.

* * *

“Hey mom, I’m going to swimming!” I shout, slinging my backpack over my shoulder.

“Buona fortuna!” she shouts back from the kitchen. Aidan runs up to me and I pull him in for a hug. We laugh and I ruffle his hair. “You’ll be okay, right?” he asks. I smile. For a kid so young, he sure does worry a lot. I get on one knee and face him.

“I’ll be fine, buddy. I’ll be home before you know it!” I reassure. “Promise?” Aidan asks, holding out his pinky. I take it in mine and chuckle. “Promise, Aide.” He runs back to the kitchen shouting, “Pinky promises can’t be brokennnnn!”

I walk out the door and stretch my arms. After a minute or two, I start a slow jog to the pool. It’s convenient living nearby, even though that means we always have a constant reminder of the accident because we also live near the sea. After a ten minute jog I arrive at the pool and push through the glass doors.

“Noah, hey!” greets May, the receptionist. “Hey there, May,” I greet in return. “Who’s out there?”

She chuckles. “You’re all good, Rivers.” I smile and nod at her before walking into the mens’ changing room. I lock myself in a cubicle and take off my shirt, slowly. My chest constricts. I look up at the mirror and sigh. My eyes idly follow the outline of my abs. It’s a nervous tic, and it’s extremely calming. When I finally manage to change out of my shorts and into my swim shorts, I’ve calmed down enough. Mentally check step one: getting out of the changing room without a panic attack. I drop my bag by the pool and begin my breathing exercises. Commence step two: drowning exercises.

I stand at the edge of the pool. I curl my toes around the edge, savoring the feel of the water on my feet. I take a few steps back, then in three strides I jump in, spinning in the water so my feet reach the bottom. I stay there, hugging my knees and slowly exhaling. I feel claustrophobic, like the walls will close in on me and let me drown. My air supply has nearly run out, so I push myself up to the surface and take a deep breath.

"I still have no clue why you do those exercises, Ash," says a voice I recognize. I jump, startled. I turn to see a mop of brown hair styled in such a way that I'd be startled if he wasn't who I thought he was.

"Hey, Olly," I greet, holding out my hand. He smiles and helps me out.

"One day you'll get a panic attack as your air supply empties," Oliver says. "Then you'll think, 'Damn, Olly was right. I'm a dick'." I chuckle.

Oliver Moore. Brother of Adrian Moore(what a shame, man) and one of my swimming team mates. He got an academic scholarship at another high school, so he doesn't learn with us. He's a smart kid and has a bright future ahead of him. He's on the team, so he has the privilege of being in the circle of people who know about the accident and have vowed not to tell anyone.

"Yeah, sure, Olls. Anyways, you seen Nick lately?" I ask as I tower over him. My 6 feet make his 5'9 look like a dwarf.

"Nick? Not much. Sanjay's started training more and sadly we've been seeing a lot more of Hall," he says, grimacing at the end. I sigh.

"God damn it," I swear. Oliver punches my shoulder.

"Hey, Ash, any new hotties?" I roll my eyes and smirk. Oliver has always asked about girls, even though Adrian talks all about them. My mind runs through the new girls. In Freshman year: Meghan Lime, divergent; Lola Matthews, future queen bitch. In Sophomore year: Maxine, Samantha and Peyton Grey, triplets and future hottest three girls in school. In my year: Laura Hayes, hot, taken, likes those Neighbourhood guys; Jocelyn Hansen, bookworm; Mia Morris, divergent; and last but not least... her. She's an enigma. The key on her necklace, her dyed hair, her past in Italy. Not to mention how the twins have banned her from popular contact. Oliver waves his hand in front of my face.

"Ashton, tell me who you're thinking about!"

"Velia Novak. I can't wrap my head around her," I say.

"She hot?" he asks. I chuckle. Perv.

"Very," I say without thinking. I sigh in frustration, but Oliver mistakes it for lust.

"Really?" I nod. I've gone and slipped up, no hiding it know. She is hot. "Well the way you describe her I want to wrap her around my head! Velia... Wait, Velia Novak!? Like, Brittany and Ainsley Novak? They have a sister?"

"Yeah. I hate the twins," I say, gritting my teeth. They can't control Velia.

"Why?" he asks.

"It doesn't matter, Olly." He drops the subject. He dashes past me and jumps into the pool. I chuckle and follow after him, shouting a war cry that sounds like a dying hippo. We race each other doing freestyle until one of us gives up. The person who’s ahead when one of us gives up wins. About ten laps in, I notice someone join us in the lane to our right. I’m on the left side of the lane, so I don’t get a good look, but I notice he’s African-American. Like, extremely black, not any of that annoyingly light brown malado bullshit. I smile. Oliver’s noticed him too. Seven laps later, we both stop on the other side of the 25 meter long pool. We watch the other lane grinning, but mine falters when he stops and I notice a white guy of our age next to him. I bite my lip. Sometimes I want to stab whichever part of nature made me bisexual, because I can’t look away from the one male I hate. Oliver sees him too.

He has brown hair and eyes. It’s short and dripping wet. His swim trunks are grey, with red stripes at the sides. He smirks at the African-American still in the pool, panting and glaring at him. My eyes drop down to his toned abs and I want to strangle myself.

“Lennox,” I hiss. He turns to me as I grit my teeth and clench my jaw. “What the fuck are you doing!?”

He lowers his head and releases a hearty laugh. “Oh, Noah,” he pouts, holding a hand over his heart. “You injure me deeply. Don’t think I miss you checking me out every time you see the glory that is moi. You’re as attracted to me as all the girls I see at high school and summer parties.” I scoff.

“I’m not going to agree with or deny that, but your personality totally ruins it for me,” I snap. “And that’s probably what ruined it for your ex.” Lennox sucks in a rush of air through his teeth. I’ve hit a nerve. Oliver intervenes before our usual onslaught of hurtful words and insults begins.

“So, Nick,” he says to the African-American, who smiles. “How’ve you been? We haven’t seen you all summer!”

Nick grins. “I’ve been great, man. I went down to Miami and you will not believe the girls I saw there.” They laugh, and Lennox and I join in, temporarily forgetting our rivalry and hatred for each other. When it comes to our holiday escapades, everyone gets along.

“Bro,” I cut in, remembering what Evelyn, Chris and I were laughing at the entire week. “So Chris and I go to the beach with Evelyn and we’re hanging out, you know? So we’re up by the beach and Chris is play-flirting with Lynn. These two girls in extremely skimpy bikinis come up to him and start hitting on him, obviously trying to get into his pants, and he’s like, ‘No thanks, I’m not interested in you. You aren’t my type,’ and then they come up to me. They’re all, ‘Hey babe, your friend ain’t got no game, so hows about we go somewhere private?’ and I’ve got no idea what to do, right?” They nod, showing they’re listening. “So Chris cuts in and he’s like, ‘Sorry girls, but he’s taken,’ and they’re like ‘Well that can change,’ and he gets up all dramatic and shouts at them – like literally shouts – ‘I will not have you hitting on my boyfriend in front of me, you sleazy little bitches!’”

Lennox and Nick laugh the hardest, with Oliver and I in a close second and third. They’re just about gasping for air by the time they quiet down enough for me to finish.

“So I confirm that I’m his boyfriend and he fucking kisses me, right then and there, to prove his point. We’re there, mildly making out, and they call us faggots, then Evelyn goes all third grade and shouts, ‘IT’S NOT WRONG! IT’S LOVE!’ and starts singing Everyone Is Gay,” I say. Lennox looks constipated. “Hey, Hall, needs some grapes? You look like you’re having a little trouble getting it all out.”

That cracks us all up, and soon someone has to grab Lennox so he doesn’t fall into the pool. “Thanks,” he says, laughing. “I could’ve drowned!” My body stiffens. Oliver and Nick glare at him.

“Dude,” Nick says, obviously pissed off. “That was really insensitive, you know that?”

Oliver nods. “We don’t joke about drowning, man. It isn’t cool.” He turns to me and puts his hand on my shoulder. “You okay, Ashton?”

I nod weakly. The memories start flowing back, along with the painful truth. “Y-yeah, Olls. I’m fine. I think. Yeah.”

“Daddy! Look!” No response. Daddy doesn’t hear me... Am I too far? Maybe he’s just too caught up with Aidey! “DADDY!” He still can’t hear me. Oh well, I’ll just go farther and tell him when I go back!

I turn around, but I’m swallowed by a large wave.

My throat constricts and I know I have to get out of there. I hurriedly push myself out of the pool and run to the wall of glass that leads out onto the beach. I fall to my knees and grasp at my throat. My mouth is wide open and I’m gasping for air. It’s like I’m drowning all over again, only when I try to breath, nothing comes.

I flail about, trying to get above the water. I succeed, but only for a moment. I try again and shout “DAD! HELP!” before I’m plunged down to the bottom again.

“Noah!” shouts Nick. I ignore him. What more can I do? I suffocate every time. It’s like my body wants me to drown when I remember. It’s like my body gies up when it remembers what actually happened.

“Somebody, help! Somebody! He’s going to die!”

I take in one last breath of air before I’m too tired to keep on fighting. I let myself sink to the bottom. I’m in the deep area. Why did I swim out here again? Was I curious? Or did I want to impress mommy and daddy so they would stop paying so much attention to Aidey? My air is gone. I try not to, but I attempt to breathe in and my throat fills with water.

I start coughing violently. Oliver and Lennox are by my side, worried looks on their faces. Nick is shouting out the code for a panic attack: Code 389. I think I hear someone telling him to shut up and deal with it. Obviously a one-timer.

I stop trying and let myself sink into darkness. It’s over now. Daddy and mommy won’t save me, and Aidey is going to grow up without a brother. I don’t want to die. I don’t want Aidey to grow up without a big brother. I want to teach him things. I want to be his role model. Now he’s going to be alone.

It’s over.

I feel the tears prick my eyes. It’s always back to the same thing. It’s always a reminder of the horrible truth. The one thing that nobody knows about the accident but us. The one detail that is behind me always thinking that I can be surrounded by people but nobody will save me.

My parents weren’t the ones who saved me from drowning that day.