flaws.

 

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rewriting.

I won camp nanowrimo with 50,120 words.

now im rewriting this awful piece of work.

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Elena Ramos

i need to read moree of it please heres my email if you desire someone to read your work before you publish it
ramosriveraelena@gmail.com

chapter one.

On the streets of the dreary town, the smell of rain still fills the air. It consumes and overrides all other smells as it travels into the nostrils of a boy with a half-smoked cigarette hanging in between his lips. He tenses up as a car passes quickly, splashing rain from a puddle onto him. He shivers and runs his hand through his gelled-up, dark brown quiff, taking another drag. It seems to him that when a bus passes, it just happens to be any bus but his own. He knows he can’t wait out here like this or he’ll catch a cold, and his sister won’t like that.

            He thinks about it for a while. Nah. They all will be pretty disappointed in me, he thinks to himself, referring to his sister and his two best friends, who he shares a house with. He goes to the same college as the boys, but his sister goes to an artistic college. She wanted to get a dorm, but was nervous about meeting someone new. The house they were looking at had enough rooms for all of them, so he invited her with one condition to the boys: she’s off-limits. He takes another drag and watches the smoke as it rises.

            Mason, the biggest player of the three of them, had no problem with it. He will take anything willing, and Jesse is far from willing. Logan, however, has had eyes on her from the start. The brunet shudders at the memory of Jesse staring at Logan with longing in her eyes. They both like each other, and that only makes his job of keeping them apart harder.

            The nineteen year old sighs and drops the cigarette onto the wet concrete, then forcefully smashes it with his shoe. He smokes more often than he likes to admit, but at least he’s responsible when he does. It’s not like the boy smokes because he’s addicted, although he might be. He smokes because living with Mason Flynn and Logan Hayes, plus the drama of his baby sister, is impossible.

            He hears the sound of another bus coming, and perks up. His eyes dart to it, but when he realizes that it isn’t his bus from the number on the screen, he grits his teeth in annoyance. How many stops are there? He checks his watch and reads 8:20 PM. He needs to get home soon. They’ll understand, right? he wonders. They know how far the café is from home. They should understand. I hope they do.

            Then he remembers that this bus line passes somewhere he can walk back home from. The vehicle stops and he decides to take this chance. If he really gets lost, he can always call one of the guys to come and pick him up. Preferably Mason. That boy has had so many lays that he pretty much knows the city better than the back of his hand.

            He gets on board, fishing out the money that he usually keeps for his usual bus from his pocket, and kindly hands it to the driver. The old man smiles apologetically and says, “There’s no room to sit, son.”

            Although he appreciates the concern, he doesn’t really care. He just needs to get home on time. “I don’t mind standing,” he says nonchalantly before turning and heading to the back.

            On his way, he notices an empty seat next to a brunette. His eyes widen for a moment, then narrows his eyes. No room to sit, my ass, he thinks bitterly as he sets himself down next to her. His ‘player instincts’ bring him to check her out, not caring how subtle he’s being. She’s reading a book, which intrigues him. He slightly tilts his head, trying to glimpse the cover, but he can’t. It bothers him greatly that he has no idea what she’s reading. He can’t see the color of her eyes because her hair is covering them. She also doesn’t seem to have noticed him.

            She has a plain black shirt on, and a gray hoodie over it, whose sleeves are rolled up. Her hair is straight and long, and her skinny jeans seem to fit her perfectly, but what really catches his eye is the black and white checkered armband on her left wrist. It just seems out of place.

            “You done checking me out?” she asks amusedly.

            He doesn’t miss a beat. “Not quite—go back to your book, I’ll get back to you,” he replies with a smirk. She simply rolls her eyes, which makes his eyelid twitch.

            “I think I’ve heard that one before,” she says as she turns to face him, her eyebrows raising slightly and the corners of her lips twitching.

            “Oh?” he asks, smirk widening. Her eyes are pine green.

            “Yeah,” she confirms, her smile finally breaking out. She chuckles a bit, then shakes her head. “I’m sorry, this is all so strange to me. I haven’t been hit on in years.”

            The brunet blinks a few times in disbelief. She hasn’t been hit on in years? No fucking way. “Are you surrounded by gay guys?” he asks.

            “Come again?” she asks in confusion. She’s bewildered in so many ways by him. He’s attractive, for one, he’s flirting with her, and he’s asking if she’s in the company of homosexual men? “What kind of a batshit crazy question is that?”

            He laughs and decides that he likes this girl. “I find it hard to believe that someone like you hasn’t been hit on in years.”

            She raises an eyebrow. “Says the guy trying to score with me.”

            Nathaniel snorts. “Listen sweetheart, with us players, you’re either hot or you’re not.”

            She closes her book, leaving her index finger in it so she can go back to her place. She then extends her left hand, the one with the armband, to shake. “The name’s Andy,” she says, introducing herself.

            “Nathaniel,” he says, shaking it. “But most know me as Nate Ryder.”

            Andy makes an extremely unattractive grimace. “Oh, what a shame. I’ve heard of you and your conquests. I can’t swap fluids with someone who probably has a disease. And here I was considering going home with you,” she mocks, and Nathaniel rolls his eyes.

            “I’m quite aware of the existence of condoms,” he retorts.

            Andy can’t help it. “Let me guess, Durex Total Contact?”

            He snorts. “I don’t give my money for empty boxes unless they’re of a usable size. Anyways, I don’t use my hard-earned money from the café for condoms. If I don’t have any, I don’t get laid until I have pocket money.”

            “So whenever you don’t have enough money to be wasting on protected sex, you jerk off until you do.”

            Nathaniel glares at her. “No. I jerk off whenever and wherever,” he says, and a smirk forms on his face. Andy’s expression becomes pleading.

            “I swear to god if you make that-“

            “Because we’re meant to be together,” he finishes.

            “You are a horrible person.”

            Nathaniel laughs and covers his face. “I know. That was just so bad. You would find it under the definition of atrocious in the dictionary.”

            Andy laughs along with him. “I don’t think there’s any other joke that could be worse than that. You’ve hit rock-bottom, Nathan.”

            So Andy and Nathaniel begin to talk. Nathaniel doesn’t have to introduce himself much because he’s so well known, on and off campus, but Andy refuses to talk about herself. She only mentions that she lives with her mother and is the same age as him. She also mentions that she’s made her room in the attic and that it’s ‘quite cozy’ up there. Andy eventually brings up the question that everyone asks.

            “Have you ever considered dating?” she asks.

            “Dating?” he replies, remembering the nights he used to spend in bed with a certain strawberry blonde. The same one who he despises today. “I dated once. Last year. And a couple of times in total throughout middle and high school.”

            Andy nods. “Didn’t work out, huh? She broke up with you because you were a manwhore?” she teases with a small smirk, not knowing how much she’s set Nathaniel off.

            “I broke up with her because she was a slut,” he hisses, surprising Andy. He realizes that he’s overreacted and closes his eyes. When he opens them, he’s calm again. “How about you? Any past relationships?”

            This time, Andy stiffens. She doesn’t like to talk about her relationships. It brings up questions and criticism, and she doesn’t want to be judged by her past decisions. She just wants to be Andy. “One,” she mumbles. “Romance isn’t really for me. I mean, do you see what I’m reading?”

            “If in your eyes, Reacher and Roscoe’s relationship is nothing then I don’t think I can sit next to you anymore,” Nathaniel blurts out, and then flushes. Andy notices this, and instead of finding another way to mock him, she smiles warmly.

            “I see you read Lee Child.”

            Nathaniel sighs in relief. “I read a lot more than just Lee Child, but yes, I have most of the Jack Reacher books.”

            Andy’s grin becomes even wider. “Isn’t that fortunate? For me, of course,” she says. “How about we keep in contact and when I finish this one you lend me the next.”

            “And the next and the next and the next?” Nathaniel asks for clarification, raising his eyebrows slightly.

            “And the next and the next and the next,” Andy confirms. It would save her a lot of money if he would be willing to do this. “Like a library.”

            Nathaniel smiles. “Hand me your phone,” he demands, and she does so. He enters his number in, and names himself as ‘Nate the Great’. He locks it, then hands the black phone back to the green-eyed brunette.

            “So this is the part where you wink at me and tell you me to call you?” she asks, finally dog-earing the page she was on in her book, due to her lack of a bookmark. Nathaniel cringes slightly at the sight.

            “No, that’s when one of us gets off the bus,” he clarifies with a hint of amusement in his voice. “If you dog-ear my books, you will lose every bit of respect you have received from me during this conversation.”

            Andy nods in acknowledgment. “What if we never get off this bus?”

            “Well then, you’re never going to call me and I’m never going to see my bed or my bookshelf again, which is a real shame,” he explains nonchalantly. “But I can’t stay. I have work, and I have school, and I have to get home or else my sister and my other two roommates will get annoyed.”

            “Where do you work?” she asks.

            “It’s cliché,” he says, blushing slightly.

            “It’s Starbucks, isn’t it?”

            Nathaniel shakes his head. “Nah. I knew this guy a while back and we were pretty close. He owns this little indie café downtown and offered me a job there.”

            “Oh,” she says with a smile. “That’s nice. I might pop in there sometime.”

            “I guess you could, if you really wanted to.”

            Andy replies to that statement with a smile. It’s nice to know that someone is accepting her. To go the distance of subtly inviting her to see him again is a nice move on his part. She respects him for that. The brunette gives him a warm smile and looks at his eyes again. They’re gray, and they remind her of a raging storm at sea. She turns to the window, and realizes that she’s almost at her stop. In a few minutes, the bus halts, and she gives Nathaniel her parting smile.

            “Well, I’d best be off before the bus leaves and I have to walk back,” she says, and gets up, slowly passing the boy. He ends up staring at her butt far too long, and calls out to her.

            “Andy!” he shouts, and she turns around. He smirks and says, “Nice ass.”

×××

            Nathaniel eventually notices that the bus is passing by an area close to his house, and grabs the pull cord. The bus slows down, and he gets up. He makes his way to the door, salutes the driver, then jumps over the stairs and onto the concrete below. He mentally congratulates himself for landing correctly.

            "Good job, Nate," come the familiar southern drawl of his friend, Dane. "This time you didn't screw up your ankle."

            Nathaniel grins at the sight of the Texan's brown leather jacket and faded jeans. Dane always knows how to make an entrance. "Go fuck yourself, Dane," he says casually, before bumping fists with the twenty year old.

            "Going home from work?" Dane asks curiously. "This isn't your stop."

            Nathaniel shrugs. As long as it gets him there. "My bus was taking too long, so I hitched a ride one someone else's line."

            Dane gives the boy a knowing smirk when he sees the glint in his eyes. "You met a girl."

            Nathaniel blinks and looks at the Texan. "What makes you say that?"  He asks, thinking of a lie to cover up the fact that he was, indeed, thinking about a girl he met—the colour of her hair, to be exact.

            "It's all over your face, Nate," Dane clarifies. He's known the boy far too long to be fooled by his tricks. "Don't you be tryna hide it. I can see y' cogs turning."

            Nathaniel rolls his eyes in denial. "Yeah, whatever helps you sleep at night, Dane."

            Dane chuckles at the nineteen year old's antics. "So how's Kade doing at the ol' cafe? What's it called again?"

            "Kade's doing fine. Says he wants to see you," Nathaniel replies, remembering how fondly Kade speaks of Dane. The two two of them are like the closest of friends, seeing as they're brothers. "The cafe is called Starlit."

            Dane smiles at the thought of his brother missing him. "Well then, tell Kade that I said howdy, and that I'll see if I can come by the place without ruining it's rep."

            Nathaniel laughs loudly, startling Dane for a moment. "Howdy? That's so unlike you."

            "Gotta embrace them roots," the Texan replies with a toothy grin. "I'll be seeing you 'round, Nathaniel."

            With that, the two exchange their goodbyes, and Nathaniel starts his trek back home. He hasn't even noticed that the rain has started up again until the small drops of precipitation start hitting the back of his neck. He begins to question his choice of his black leather jacket for his only covering when the forecast predicted rain and rain is not something uncommon where he lives. With no umbrella, he's forced to hide out under the low balconies and roofs of the surrounding building. He sighs loudly, although it sounds more like a groan, earning him a strange look from the little boy and his mother nearby. He smiles warmly at the child. He's always liked children. One thing that makes him different from other's of his 'kind'—as said by official 'good girl' Charlotte Goodwin—is that he wants children. Nathaniel doesn't really care how many but one day he wants to settle down with the girl he loves and raise a child or two with her.

            The rain starts coming down harder, and Nathaniel begins to curse at the city. "Fuck you, Seattle," he swears under his breath, and the rain comes down harder.

            He sighs loudly again, and the nearby mother sends him a glare. The little boy simply smiles at him. Nathaniel flips out his phone from his pocket and dials a number he's dialed way too many times to need to check his contacts for. He counts the rings until the person he's calling picks up.

            "Hey there," she says groggily. Her voice is husky, and Nathaniel instantly feels bad.

            "Hey, sorry if I woke you up," he says softly. He can't help it—he always gets that protective and tender side of himself out when he talks to Jesse. "But I'm kind of stuck out here."

            Jesse waves her hand, knowing that he can't see her. That just proves how tired she is. "No big deal," she mumbles after a while of silence.

            "You just waved you hand at me, didn't you?" he asks accusingly, but Jesse isn't fazed. Not much, at least.

            "So what if I did?" she asks. "Anyways, we're supposed to have each other's backs. We're the infamous Ryder trio. Well, more like Ryder duo and sister." She snickers, and Nathaniel knows that she hasn't slept well.

            "Jess, it's fine, but if you really want to, ask Mason if he can come pick me up. I'm by that little Rite-Aid," he says, and Jesse grunts. Then she shouts loudly for Mason and tells him what Nathaniel told her. Her brother smiles proudly. They're all the same.

            "Any news from Trent?" he asks, referring to Jesse's twin brother. The twins both have light brown hair and blue eyes, in addition to never growing above six foot, unlike Nathaniel. Their older brother has dark brown hair and gray eyes, and is 6'3, two inches taller than Logan and one shorter than Mason. "Actually, nevermind. You should sleep, Jess. You haven't been getting a lot lately."

            "How did you know?" she says sarcastically, and Nathaniel grits his teeth in annoyance. He loves his sister to bits but sometimes he just wishes that she would shut up and listen.

            "You better be sleeping, or at least attempting to, by the time I get home," Nathaniel warns, and Jesse grunts once more before ending the call abruptly. He sighs. He worries about her a lot.

            He waits there under some guy's balcony in the pouring rain. One, two, three, five, ten minutes pass and Mason still hasn't arrived. The brunet sighs extremely loudly, and you can see how forced it is from a mile away. The mother scoffs at him, but the little boy simply smiles up at Nathaniel. The nineteen year old smiles back at the boy and sticks his tongue out at him. The boy giggles and repeats Nathaniel's gesture, getting a scolding from his mother.

            "Jason!" she exclaims, and the boy pouts innocently.

            "But mom, he did it too!" the boy exclaims in return, attempting to defend himself. Nathaniel chuckles and shakes his head. He still remembers when he was a young boy and his parents would scold him for being disrespectful to someone without knowing it. What do children know?

            "Don't be so hard on him," the brunet says to the mother. The woman sends him a harsh glare, but Nathaniel rolls his eyes. "You can't seriously get mad at him for something so petty."

            "What are you, a father?" the mother snaps angrily. "Looking at you, you probably are one. Teenagers these days, getting pregnant left and right."

            If there's anything that makes Nathaniel more angry than anything else, it's when people judge and label him based solely on his appearance. He grits his teeth in annoyance and looks the mother up and down. She's wearing designer clothes and expensive earrings. Keeping up his blank expression, he looks up at the mother.

            "Looking at you, you're a snobby rich woman. Oh, that doesn't feel too nice, does it?" he hisses, feeling his facade drop slightly. The mother's expression softens and there's a hint of guilt, and that's when he calms down slightly.

            "I'm no father, but trust me, there are mistakes that parents make that result in horrible children," he says softly, then jumps in surprise when the familiar Range Rover stops in front of him and honks three times. Nathaniel breaks out into a grin, waves to the boy and his mother, then dashes through the pouring rain to the car. He throws open the passenger door and slams it after him.

            "Nate, watch the car!" the sandy blond exclaims in fake anger from the driver's seat. He knows that Nathaniel isn't ever going to be more careful with their car, and is probably going to slam the door even harder when they get home just to spite him. The brunet laughs, as expected, and claps Mason on the back.

            "Yeah, yeah. Just drive, you son of a bitch," he replies with a breathless grin, and Mason nods, driving off.

            For a while, the only sounds are the rythmic pitter-patter of the rain on the car, and the engine rumbling. Nathaniel pulls out his phone and plugs it into the AUX cord. He scrolls down through the Music app, then decides on a song. Mason grins at Nathaniel with a chuckle, tapping the steering wheel with his fingers to the beat.

            "Good choice, Ryder," Mason compliments, and Nathaniel waves his hand in the air, as if it will dispel the flattery.

            "Whatever, Mason, you know I'm the only one here with a decent taste in music," he retorts with a scoff, and it's true, depending on what you view as a decent taste in music. Mason is all about the hip hop, rap, and sex songs, Logan likes country for some unfathomable reason, and Jesse listens to mostly Top 40 and Pop. Nathaniel's taste, on the other hand, consists of a wild mixture of a bit of pop, alternative, alternative rock, indie, alt-pop, rock, and indie pop. That's also why he's usually the 'DJ' on car trips.

            "Why didn't you just turn on The End?" Mason asks in genuine curiousity. The End is Nathaniel's favourite music radio station, and he usually plays it when they're in the car.

            "I feel like New Politics," Nathaniel replies with a shrug, then throws a careless smirk at Mason. "Why? Are you complaining? I remember you saying Dignity is one of your favorites out of all my songs."

            Mason rolls his eyes. Nathaniel is always trying to get him to admit that he likes the boy's music(which he doesn't, he just tolerates it). "So, what happened?" Mason asks, referring to the impatient bouncing of the brunet's knee. Nathaniel stops when he understands what Mason is talking about.

            "That's strange. I didn't even notice that," he mumbles. He leans back and closes his eyes, taking in the music. He goes back to the bus stop and the intriguing little brunette from the bus. "I met a girl."

            Mason stops abruptly at the red light, and turns to Nathaniel. "You met a girl?"

            "Her eyes were this amazing shade of green," he continues, knowing the exact reason behind Mason's reaction. Nothing good ever comes from 'I met a girl'. Kayla started with that exact same phrase, and look how they ended up. "Pine green. Like a forest. She's definitely that mysterious."

            "Nate, no offense, but you sholdn't ever contact her again," Mason says sternly, glancing between the brunet and the stop light.

            "I'm not interested in her," Nathaniel growls. Sure, he was a mess before, but he isn't going to make the same mistake once more. He's tired of the three of them making sure he doesn't get close to a girl again. "You're not my dad, Mase. Drop it."

            Mason stays silent and hangs his head slightly in guilt. "You know we're only looking after you, Nate."

            "Fuck that," the nineteen year old snaps as the light turns green and they drive away.

            Nathaniel is silent the entire car ride home. When they arrive, he doesn't even have the motivation in him to slam the door to piss Mason off, which is worrying. Mason attempts to approach him, but Nathaniel pushes him away and tells him to drop it. They shout their greetings, which echo throughout the house, and Nathaniel goes up the polished wooden stairs. The walls in the hallway are cream, like most of the other walls in the house, and he goes to the second door on the left side. He slowly opens it to see the light-haired brunette lying on her side under the covers. She stirs and turns to look at him with a warm smile. Nathaniel slowly walks towards the bed and sits down by her.

            "Hey," he says quietly, tenderly stroking her hair. Jesse's blue eyes look up and lock with Nathaniel's gray irises for a moment before she closes her eyelids again and shifts.

            "Hey, Nate," she mumbles, rolling on her back and stretching out her arms. "How was work?"

            "It was good."

            "What happened?" she asks curiously. "You seem... different."

            Nathaniel sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "Promise me you won't freak out?"

            Jesse chuckles and opens one of her eyes. "I promise."

            "I met a girl," he whispers, and Jesse's drooping eyelids lift. She isn't angry or worried, just shocked.

            "Really?" she asks.

            Nathaniel smiles. "Yeah."

            "Was she pretty?"

            "Beautiful."

            Jesse giggles, then yawns. Nathaniel glances at her digital clock. It's almost 10 PM. Was he really out that long? The boy sighs and kisses Jesse's forehead. "Sleep tight, sis. We have school tomorrow."

            Jesse groans and rolls on her side, with her back facing her older brother. He sighs and stands up, pulling the covers up over her shoulders. He kisses her cheek, then carefully walks out of the room and quietly shuts the door. Jesse needs her sleep. She’s been distracted by something and she’s been staying up late and waking up in the wee hours.

            Yet, as Nathaniel strips himself down to his boxers he finds his own thoughts caught up on a distraction of his own. One with pine green eyes and long brown hair.

 

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