Documents of a teenage girl (perhaps pretentious and crazy)
Stars & Smoke
i often find myself questioning why sadness is a part of life
why would such a cruel design
such a cruel force
be projected through us
tainting us with cruel intentions
and cruel desires
making us slowly self-destruct
and causing hurricanes in our hearts
why would that be?
it may seem supernatural, but
you are never emotionless
you may have gone through heartache after heartache
cigarette box after cigarette box
razor after razor.
feeling like running to the edge of this terrible, terrific earth and calling out
hoping for a hand
to reach out and guide you
you may have.
you may not have.
but you have your own feeling of darkness
know that familiar feeling of
emptiness.
even so
is it actually emptiness? can a person ever truly be empty?
do these scars and broken hearts make you empty?
ask yourself the question
are you ever emotionless?
could it simply be
sadness,
vicious, fierce sadness crawling through you and nestling in your bones?
that same sadness, that we need in life and yet do not quite understand the mechanics of?
to me,
life without sadness
is like reading without imagination
like tea without sugar
like the galaxy without stars
you see, my darling
skies don't shine without stars
your eyes do not shine without sadness
learn to smile through that sadness and then your constellation tears will dance much more gracefully down your face.
we need sadness in this world
to keep us afloat
and remind us every once in a while
that we aren't empty beings at all.
Instincts & Armageddons
screaming days
days where you want to tear down walls and fly to another planet
days that you can physically feel draining your energy and devotion to anything on this earth
shitty days.
days where you knew deep down that your subconscious was right
a wise woman told me that “instinct is a fabulous thing”
days where you realise just how right she is.
days where you look in the mirror and tell yourself that you’ll always hurt and it’ll always sting no matter what happens
days where you would cry into the abyss forever and ever until you felt something again
but then
there are these days of clarity
days where you realise
that it’s just a teenage boy being typical
or a teenage girl
being typical
a stupid, confused boy with no mind other than the one that chases any equally confused girl willing
a naive girl with no mind at all
another teenager, like yourself, that you have the misfortune of wasting time on.
only, is it wasted time?
if you think about it, this time you’ve spent on this is all a learning curve
a wise woman told me that much, too.
this isn’t anything profound or poetic
it’s a learning curve.
a lesson.
this was just a fragment of your life that you’ll forget about any day soon
when a new problem arises
and your memories of any heartbreak you may have happened to feel
will float away
like just another rock in the river.
screaming days, it seems, are just normal days
days that will knock you for six and rip you up and then have the audacity to laugh at you
just for good measure.
days that you are strong enough to get over
because you know that much, you know you will get over it
you just need to learn how.
how does one get over their own little end of the world?
their personal armageddon?
it comes back to the fact that instinct is a fabulous thing
because you see
if you already knew about your armageddon,
you were very much prepared for it too.
Royal Lights
fatigue
the lights are too bright in this house.
and my head is spinning round
round and round
migraines
endless migraines forming
like a woodpecker hammering
on each one of your brain cells
the lights are too bright in this house.
but I'm scared of them turning off.
what if they turn off
do they represent life - but -
is anything really that deep?
can lights represent each being
surely not
we are all bulbs
blinking slowly
indicating help is needed
the king is a bulb
the queen is a bulb
do the evil in this world have bulbs?
are we all just dead bulbs
waiting to be replaced
with new hope and love each day
it can't be,
no?
the queen is a bulb
and so are you.
blinking to fight on another day.