What a strange time we are currently living in.
I don't really know what to say, how to make anything better. This is rough for everybody, so now is the perfect time to be thankful for what and who you have.
I somehow had forgotten how much I loved writing, so this is my attempt at turning the turmoil into a form of normality I suppose !
Please enjoy, I would love any sort of feedback, but most importantly, STAY SAFE x
What a question! Time to answer it, I suppose.
I have lived in fear. I have experienced the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows. I have hated who I am for the majority of my life; the decisions I made, what I wore, my face, my body, my personality, all of it. I have lived in self-loathing, guilt, jealousy, and I've barely lived at all.
Sometimes the skin of your teeth is the most important part of you.
School was never really a good time, which I'm sure you knew if you ever read anything I posted a few years ago, or have spent more than five minutes with me in person. (Yikes!)
I am in a place now where it isn't all that bad, not anymore. I can now accept who I am, what I'm doing, where I want to go. Good for you Izz, your mum was always right and you probably were just an angsty child. Probably still are, sometimes.
That isn't all it boils down to, though.
I have wanted to live in so many different places.
Somewhere warm, where nothing can hurt me, being protected by too-bright rays of sun.
Somewhere busy, to keep me distracted and deter me from spiralling.
Somewhere that felt like a home.
My family are everything I could ever wish for, and more. They accept me, tolerate me, love me, no matter what. I'm incredibly lucky, and I'm aware of that. It has never been about them, and this is not to their detriment.
I don't keep it a secret that I hate where I'm from. People tell me that I should never forget my roots. I'm sorry, but I think that's wrong. I prefer my branches!
I am in a place where it isn't all that bad, but I have made that place myself.
I can face being outside, something I used to be terrified I could never do, not properly. I live how I have always wanted to; as myself.
I like being out, even.
It's much more fun when you aren't lying to yourself.
How tragic now, that I want to be outside, but I am physically unable to be. Oh, the irony, but it'll pass. I have waited eighteen years to be myself, so I don't mind eighteen more.
If you take anything from this shit piece of writing, (I never know what to call what I post on here), take that it will be better. Nothing is forever, and although it feels like the entire world is on fire, it will eventually be over.
This all feels like a big tangent.
My point is, I haven't had the best time figuring out who I am.
I'm not saying that university is the magic wand that got every one of my ducks in a row, but it's pretty close.
I have craved for so very long to simply feel ok in who I am.
I can happily say that I'm happy. There are rubbish days, cathartic days, long days, and awful days, because of course there are.
But they just don't feel empty anymore, because I know I have something worth going back to when this does blow over.
I have worth, a purpose, a reason, things I truly believed I lacked.
I finally know who I am, and I'm working on liking it, too.
Thanks for taking the time to read this! Again I would love any sort of feedback on it.
Keep washing your hands and staying inside ! xxx