ayyy so this is a fanfic and i'm just trying this out

tw:: self-harm, suicide etc.

rare updates

go to https://www.wattpad.com/user/notsoamazingjace to find the rest of my fics (and probably the rest of this)

Name: Jeremy Ferguson
Age: 17
Status: Immediate risk
Disorders: Severe depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety

"Jeremy, do you know why I'm here?" Doctor Sykes asked. I didn't say anything; just looked down at the chipped black nail polish on my fingers and picked at it. He sighed, scribbling something down onto his papers. "Do you know why you're here?" He tried again.

Yep. Because, as my file says, I'm a danger to myself.

I shrugged.

"Jeremy, you're going to have to talk to me at some point, you know," he said.

We'll see about that.

I said nothing.

Sighing, he got up and walks out of the room. I counted the tiles on the ceiling, Suicidal Failure playing in my head. The song was right; I had suicidal tendencies, but I couldn't kill myself.

The room was silent, except for the sound of the clock ticking. The door opened, interrupting my train of thought as Doctor Sykes and an unfamiliar face came in. I frowned at the other person.

"Jeremy, this is Therapist Mora," he said, as they both sat down opposite me. I looked down, uninterested.

"Jeremy," Therapist Mora said softly, "I understand how you feel-"

No, you fucking don't.

I continued to chip my black nail varnish, ignoring my surroundings, and Therapist Mora's voice.

"-and I'm sure the others in your ward will understand how you feel too." With that, the so-called Therapist Mora left the room, leaving me and Doctor Sykes alone.

"Well, Jeremy, I'll take you to your ward," he said, standing up as he put down his clipboard.

Doctor Sykes lead me down a series of corridors and identical-looking wards until he reached the Intensive Watch ward.

"You'll be here until we deem you safe," he said gently as he opened the door.

Instantly, I started to shake. Everyone's eyes turned to me and followed me up the ward as Doctor Sykes lead me to my place.

Stay calm, Jeremy. Stay calm. No one is here. It's just you and Doctor Sykes.

"I-I can't do this," I whispered to him quietly. "I can't be here," Doctor Sykes simply quickened the pace as he led me to the end of the room.

"Jeremy, you'll be here," he said to me. "There is a curtain to pull around if you want privacy, although you can be alone if you want in the Leisure Room," I nodded, not wanting to say anything to him. Eventually, he left, and I looked around me, observing each patient.

I went through the other patients in my ward, until I reached the end. Opposite me was a boy who looked to be about my age, rocking back and forth with his head in his hands.

"Um... are you okay?" I asked him, walking over to him slowly.

"It's not real... It's not real..." He whispered over and over again. Lightly, I tapped his arm, my hand shaking a little.

"Um... Excuse me?" I asked nervously.

Startled, he looked up his wide.

"Oh my god!" He whispered, lifting a shaking hand to his mouth, his eyes glittering with unshed tears. I jumped back, a little stung.

"S-sorry," I stammered, "I-I ju-just wanted to s-see if you were o-okay,"

God, Jeremy. Can't you do anything right?

He wiped his eyes as he gave me a weak smile.

"N-no," he said, looking at me, his eyes still shining with tears, "it's fine, honestly." He looked at me before frowning. "Who are you? I haven't seen you before."

"I-I'm Jeremy," I replied, smiling a little. "I've just been admitted here today, Doctor Sykes brought me here about five minutes ago," I looked at him, a little concerned. "Are you sure you're okay?" I asked him softly.

"I'm Jake," he mumbled, avoiding eye contact with me. "I'm fine... I just hate being locked up in this planet hell."

"That makes two of us then," I said, smiling a little, trying to lighten the mood. Jake nodded, not saying anything. I stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to say. Stuck in the hospital, with only one blade, nothing else, I had to get out of there. I couldn't afford to get close to anyone anymore.

"Anyway... I... I have to go..." I mumbled, feeling a panic attack coming on.

Jesus Christ, Jeremy. Why the hell can't you just act normal? You fucking freak.

"I-I c-c-can't br-breathe," I panted in between deep breaths, sitting down on the floor. I hated myself for it, the fact that I couldn't even talk to a stranger for a minute without having a panic attack.

"Hey. Hey. Just breathe, okay?" Jake said softly, kneeling down next to me. I shook my head, laughing weakly.

"I'm t-try-trying t-to... pa-panic at-attack," was all I could manage to say.

Jake bit his lip and exhaled deeply as he put his hand on my shoulder.

"Listen to me, okay?" He said softly. "Breathe in for three, breathe out for three. Like so," he demonstrated, taking a few deep breaths.

"C-can't!" I repeated, starting to freak out. "I can't breathe!" My chest felt tight and I could feel myself shaking, clutching Jake's arms tightly as I tried to maintain a hold on consciousness.

The world spun, and I knew I wasn't going to stay awake.

The last thing I heard was Jake going, "stay with me!"

~

I woke up in a bed, white blinding me.

"Jeremy..?" Jake asked to me. I could see he had been biting at his lip; the signs were there. Merely nodding, I sat up and raked a hand through my hand. "I called Doctor Sykes.. you passed out.." I bit my lip a little. I didn't need any doctors to worry about me. I didn't need anyone to worry about me, full stop. 

"It was only a panic attack.." I mumbled, turning away. Less than a day here and I already had someone watching out for me. Great. "You don't have to worry about me." Jake sighed slightly, standing up. "I do." was all he said before he headed back to his bed, leaving me alone again.

The curtains around my bed shifted slightly, and I looked up to see Doctor Sykes standing there, a look of relief etched onto his face. "Jake told me you were awake," he said, scribbling something down on his clipboard. A strange urge to punch Jake washed over me, and I clenched my fists. "Panic attack, right?" Doctor Sykes asked, and I simply nodded. I had no plan of talking to him. I hated him so much. His condescending tone, the way he treated me, acting as if I was so fragile. "Well, I'm glad you're okay. I'll come and check up on you later, okay Jeremy?" I nodded again as the other left before studying my forearms carefully, stained with small silver lines.

And then there was my wrist. What a beautiful, bloody mess. Looking at it, there's no surprise why I ended up in hospital. After collapsing at home from blood loss, my dad called the hospital, and once I was well enough, they admitted me here. For how long I'd stay, I didn't know. I was stuck here, surrounded by people I didn't know, with no escape.

I wanted to get out. Jake and Doctor Sykes said they cared, but I knew they didn't. Doctor Sykes was paid to say that. Jake - I knew it was harsh, but I also knew that he didn't care. No one cared. I was merely another in-patient for Doctor Sykes, and merely another person to talk to for Jake. 

Jeremy, you know what you have to do, right? You have to kill yourself.