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chapter one: the hurt

look, i’m sorry i didn’t grow up
to be like you wanted me to
i’m sorry i’m not that into girls
and would rather commit to a book
i’m sorry i’m a romantic

i’m sorry, please stop yelling

you have what some people would call
a “temper”

war vet who grew up learning to kick and scream
army made you worse
now you kick and scream,
threaten everyone around you
who disagrees with you 
can’t even say a word around you
make fun of everyone and everything
you get angry at every minor inconvenience
use it as an excuse to grab your guns and hurt,
physically and emotionally
you left the war behind but it didn’t leave you,
instead it haunts you
you made home a battleground 
in which your words are bullets
and even though they don’t pierce my skin
they still leave a bruise

not every problem can be solved with your hands
i’m not a car you can just fix up
i’m not a sink you can take apart and
put back together
i’m not a printer you can smack back into working
because I’m not broken

i may be damaged, yes
and I may believe that
no one will truly love me 
because you never could
and that i’m incapable of feeling anything but fear
and I do 50 extracurricular things
to stay away from home...

i’ve learned that I don’t have to leave home 
to be happy
and that taking my own life will
not make you feel regret
it’ll make me feel it
because even though i’m dead
i’ll still go to heaven or whatever

but heaven isn’t a peaceful place
where I’m surrounded by
my favourite books
it’s not an endless supply of coffee
and it’s not the house i’ll one day build
with a loving wife, three dogs and two kids

heaven is the suicide note
i kept in my wallet for two years
that I never needed
heaven is you finally feeling remorse for
constantly pushing and pulling me
trying to mold me like a piece of clay 
into the perfect child
as if the harder you run your hands
across the clay
the tougher the porcelain will be
as if, if i’m able to protect the flowers inside
when I fall I will not shatter,
but I did.

rather than coming back at your throat
like you do mine,
i’ll glue my pieces back together
i’ll live to see the day when I
throw out my second suicide note
because life is worth living now
i’m finally loved the way I deserve to be loved
i only cry when I’m happy now
i’ve forgotten the name of every person
that has ever hurt me
i’ve forgotten what your face looks like
and the look in your eyes every time you got angry
and how heavy your hands felt

i’m happy now

and it’s not because of you


-december 27, 2017



for a second,

your attention belonged to me.


for a second

we could talk for days

we were like two peas

in a pod, you and i

two inseparable souls

traveling through this

world, fueled only by our love


but then you moved on

first you went back to your ex

then it was this new guy

then another


and this new guy

he’s got everything


he’s tall,

so am i


he’s stubborn,

and so was i


he’s soft as a mattress

and gives the best hugs, you say

he’s handsome and funny

and understanding and cute

and tender, and knows all the right



we had all of that

maybe even more


you need him

for all his good and bad qualities


i could be him,

but i could never be like him

i’m still trying,

even after all this time

that’s more than i can say for him


if you’re going

then go

but don’t.



please come back to me,

even if just for a second


-november 5, 2016

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chapter two: the storm

life is complicated

we used to laugh at comedians and

listen to politicians

now we laugh at politicians and

listen to comedians


we remember 9/11

#never forget

but we ignore the rest of history

genocide, industrialization, slavery

the wrath of the white man

institutionalized racism today

is still a problem but all we care about is

the iphone 7 and kim k’s naked pics


everything is backwards

teens are expected to act like

adults, but are treated like children

the media is ignorant and corrupt

politician is just a fancy word for crook

most people do as little as they can to help

the previous generation

destroyed the world

blamed it on us

and expect us to clean it up

what they’re really saying is:

they’re bad parents,



life is complicated


-november 2, 2016



he tells me

“you need to get out more”

he tells me i don’t socialize enough

“go out and travel the world. discover yourself”

“i don’t need to travel the world”

i reply,

because i’ve seen it


i’ve seen the good in my mother’s heart

and the evil from my father’s hand


i’ve seen stars in strangers’ eyes passing,

harbouring endless stories


i’ve seen the depths of the earth in the

body of the boy with whom i lay


i’ve seen ignorant joy in

ignorant children


i’ve seen war


i’ve seen the battle you struggle to win

against yourself

every minute


i know the way you

lay awake at night




not asleep

just indifferent


you left

just over two years ago


i miss you


you’re not you


you’re me

you left and took away

my happiness, the balance

now i’m sad, i’m angry


i’m a fully functioning engine

in which none of the parts complain

because how could they know better?

how would they know what

happiness, and warmth feel like?




people love you

they have loved you,

and they will,

and they’ll stop

you need to love you

love you,



love yourself.


-october 12

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chapter three: the love


are anything but ordinary


you are a writer

intelligent, creative


you are incredibly talented

musically, poetically



who cares about

everyone as if there

weren’t a single evil

in the world



who reads

authorless poems



who wish to see the world


the little french towns

because paris is overrated


and the scandinavian islands

because they just “look cool”



with eyes of

amber and onyx


golden in the sunlight

you are anything but mediocre

from your brain

to your heart

to the way you stare at me



are beautiful


-october 3, 2016



you make every day feel like christmas eve

and i say eve instead of morning because

my mom used to say i was a good kid and

santa wanted me to get my presents early


now that i’m older i don’t believe in santa

anymore, but i do believe in being good

if not for me, then for you

i want to be the best version of me


because when i'm with you i forget how to breathe

i get butterflies every time you talk,

winter doesn't seem so cold anymore

and my middle name really is Danger


you make me want to say dumb stuff like,

“if my heart is an old dog

then you're all my new tricks

you've taught me how to love again”


it's been weeks and i still can't

wash off the taste of your lips

from our first kiss

not that I would want to anyway


you're like the amber ring

around the sky at sunrise

and the warm, fresh

gingerbread cookies


you can be gentle like a single snowflake

or go into full raging blizzard,

you're beautiful and terrifying

like nature herself


so let’s play tag across highways

we’ll blow steam in each other’s faces

and make perfect snow angels

we’ll feel like kids again

and never grow old


-november 30, 2016



i forget how to lose control

laying my head on your

warm chest that feels like home


i run my hands across your

soft skin, stare into your eyes

and I think:


you belong to me.


and I belong to you,

we belong to each other.


you and I are two peas in a pod,

two inseparable souls,

traveling through this world,

in a car fueled only by our love.


every day I fall in love with you

maybe that's because every day

you feel like someone new

i'm always discovering little surprises


i don't remember falling in love

but little by little, i did

i fell in love with your words

with your thoughts, your heart


i fell for the way your eyes glow in the sun

and the fact that you have five piggy banks

and collect rocks in your room and stars

in your soul.


i fell for you.

everything you are

and will be.


-may 17, 2017



after she leaves

you will hurt


you will remember her laugh

like it’s your favourite song


you will remember

counting the stars

in her eyes


her favourite movie

is your favourite movie

you watch it over and over again

thinking of her


you hurt

you will remember,

pine, rejoice,

then accept

she is gone


after she leaves

you will realize

that there is still

beauty left in the world


the universe isn’t mean

it’s looking out for you

whatever reason

she left you for

is a lesson


to grow


-november 10, 2017



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chapter four: growing up

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where it all started

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