coffee shop worthy
chapter one: the hurt
look, i’m sorry i didn’t grow up
to be like you wanted me to
i’m sorry i’m not that into girls
and would rather commit to a book
i’m sorry i’m a romantic
i’m sorry, please stop yelling
you have what some people would call
a “temper”
war vet who grew up learning to kick and scream
army made you worse
now you kick and scream,
threaten everyone around you
who disagrees with you
can’t even say a word around you
make fun of everyone and everything
you get angry at every minor inconvenience
use it as an excuse to grab your guns and hurt,
physically and emotionally
you left the war behind but it didn’t leave you,
no.
instead it haunts you
you made home a battleground
in which your words are bullets
and even though they don’t pierce my skin
they still leave a bruise
not every problem can be solved with your hands
i’m not a car you can just fix up
i’m not a sink you can take apart and
put back together
i’m not a printer you can smack back into working
because I’m not broken
i may be damaged, yes
and I may believe that
no one will truly love me
because you never could
and that i’m incapable of feeling anything but fear
and I do 50 extracurricular things
to stay away from home...
i’ve learned that I don’t have to leave home
to be happy
and that taking my own life will
not make you feel regret
it’ll make me feel it
because even though i’m dead
i’ll still go to heaven or whatever
but heaven isn’t a peaceful place
where I’m surrounded by
my favourite books
it’s not an endless supply of coffee
and it’s not the house i’ll one day build
with a loving wife, three dogs and two kids
heaven is the suicide note
i kept in my wallet for two years
that I never needed
heaven is you finally feeling remorse for
constantly pushing and pulling me
trying to mold me like a piece of clay
into the perfect child
as if the harder you run your hands
across the clay
the tougher the porcelain will be
as if, if i’m able to protect the flowers inside
when I fall I will not shatter,
but I did.
rather than coming back at your throat
like you do mine,
i’ll glue my pieces back together
i’ll live to see the day when I
throw out my second suicide note
because life is worth living now
i’m finally loved the way I deserve to be loved
i only cry when I’m happy now
i’ve forgotten the name of every person
that has ever hurt me
i’ve forgotten what your face looks like
and the look in your eyes every time you got angry
and how heavy your hands felt
i’m happy now
and it’s not because of you
-december 27, 2017
for a second,
your attention belonged to me.
for a second
we could talk for days
we were like two peas
in a pod, you and i
two inseparable souls
traveling through this
world, fueled only by our love
but then you moved on
first you went back to your ex
then it was this new guy
then another
and this new guy
he’s got everything
he’s tall,
so am i
he’s stubborn,
and so was i
he’s soft as a mattress
and gives the best hugs, you say
he’s handsome and funny
and understanding and cute
and tender, and knows all the right
moves
we had all of that
maybe even more
you need him
for all his good and bad qualities
i could be him,
but i could never be like him
i’m still trying,
even after all this time
that’s more than i can say for him
if you’re going
then go
but don’t.
stay
please come back to me,
even if just for a second
-november 5, 2016
chapter two: the storm
life is complicated
we used to laugh at comedians and
listen to politicians
now we laugh at politicians and
listen to comedians
we remember 9/11
#never forget
but we ignore the rest of history
genocide, industrialization, slavery
the wrath of the white man
institutionalized racism today
is still a problem but all we care about is
the iphone 7 and kim k’s naked pics
everything is backwards
teens are expected to act like
adults, but are treated like children
the media is ignorant and corrupt
politician is just a fancy word for crook
most people do as little as they can to help
the previous generation
destroyed the world
blamed it on us
and expect us to clean it up
what they’re really saying is:
they’re bad parents,
people
life is complicated
-november 2, 2016
he tells me
“you need to get out more”
he tells me i don’t socialize enough
“go out and travel the world. discover yourself”
“i don’t need to travel the world”
i reply,
because i’ve seen it
i’ve seen the good in my mother’s heart
and the evil from my father’s hand
i’ve seen stars in strangers’ eyes passing,
harbouring endless stories
i’ve seen the depths of the earth in the
body of the boy with whom i lay
i’ve seen ignorant joy in
ignorant children
i’ve seen war
i’ve seen the battle you struggle to win
against yourself
every minute
i know the way you
lay awake at night
numb
not asleep
just indifferent
you left
just over two years ago
i miss you
except
you’re not you
you’re me
you left and took away
my happiness, the balance
now i’m sad, i’m angry
i’m a fully functioning engine
in which none of the parts complain
because how could they know better?
how would they know what
happiness, and warmth feel like?
listen.
people love you
they have loved you,
and they will,
and they’ll stop
you need to love you
love you,
me
love yourself.
-october 12
chapter three: the love
you
are anything but ordinary
you are a writer
intelligent, creative
you are incredibly talented
musically, poetically
you
who cares about
everyone as if there
weren’t a single evil
in the world
you
who reads
authorless poems
you
who wish to see the world
the little french towns
because paris is overrated
and the scandinavian islands
because they just “look cool”
you
with eyes of
amber and onyx
golden in the sunlight
you are anything but mediocre
from your brain
to your heart
to the way you stare at me
you
are beautiful
-october 3, 2016
you make every day feel like christmas eve
and i say eve instead of morning because
my mom used to say i was a good kid and
santa wanted me to get my presents early
now that i’m older i don’t believe in santa
anymore, but i do believe in being good
if not for me, then for you
i want to be the best version of me
because when i'm with you i forget how to breathe
i get butterflies every time you talk,
winter doesn't seem so cold anymore
and my middle name really is Danger
you make me want to say dumb stuff like,
“if my heart is an old dog
then you're all my new tricks
you've taught me how to love again”
it's been weeks and i still can't
wash off the taste of your lips
from our first kiss
not that I would want to anyway
you're like the amber ring
around the sky at sunrise
and the warm, fresh
gingerbread cookies
you can be gentle like a single snowflake
or go into full raging blizzard,
you're beautiful and terrifying
like nature herself
so let’s play tag across highways
we’ll blow steam in each other’s faces
and make perfect snow angels
we’ll feel like kids again
and never grow old
-november 30, 2016
i forget how to lose control
laying my head on your
warm chest that feels like home
i run my hands across your
soft skin, stare into your eyes
and I think:
you belong to me.
and I belong to you,
we belong to each other.
you and I are two peas in a pod,
two inseparable souls,
traveling through this world,
in a car fueled only by our love.
every day I fall in love with you
maybe that's because every day
you feel like someone new
i'm always discovering little surprises
i don't remember falling in love
but little by little, i did
i fell in love with your words
with your thoughts, your heart
i fell for the way your eyes glow in the sun
and the fact that you have five piggy banks
and collect rocks in your room and stars
in your soul.
i fell for you.
everything you are
and will be.
-may 17, 2017
after she leaves
you will hurt
you will remember her laugh
like it’s your favourite song
you will remember
counting the stars
in her eyes
her favourite movie
is your favourite movie
you watch it over and over again
thinking of her
you hurt
you will remember,
pine, rejoice,
then accept
she is gone
after she leaves
you will realize
that there is still
beauty left in the world
the universe isn’t mean
it’s looking out for you
whatever reason
she left you for
is a lesson
to grow
-november 10, 2017