Where did you go? Do I really have to grow up without you? Am I really alive without you? Are you in the stars? Is there a god, do you walk with him. Is he a she, is she in me? Will we ever talk again? Is it strange that I can’t wait to meet my fate; just to see your face again. I am looking for a brothers love in every single man. But you will never love me like my mother did, you will never need me like my mother did. There’s a blackhole in my soul, it’s beginning to show. Through my dilated pupils, behind eyelids half closed. I thought that I’d be fine by now, but suffering doesn’t die, it grows. Pretending to be perfect is perfectly fine, for all the individuals who are perfectly fine and grew up with the money and never fell on hard times; had trust funds that had too much fun with their full time dads. I have NEVER had it easy. So FUCK you for not believing me, and fuck ME for crying over spilled milk I never planned on drinking. I am a sunken ship, a drunken sip of something thick. I took a trip, there was no captain but you were my anchor. There were poisons and demons and rhymes with no reasons; and strangers but there were no danger. Grandpa taught me to not have envy, so I could have more than plenty. And you taught me to be complete, that you have to be empty and free from all the miseries and energies that hinder me. You brought me to my inner peace, you taught me it was meant for me. It ends how it begins my friend; until we meet again on my sunken ship.
You meet someone new like it’s nothing new. Everything you’re doing with him is something new, but to me is nothing new. Every time he expresses his feelings; just might not be true. You’d figure that he lies to you, but he tells you he speaks the truth. You’re lost to the center of the universe, you think your life is in reverse.. but really you caught a curse. Your heart was at burst, but it died down. Everything you’ve done with him died down. It slowed down; it slowed down like a carousel at a fair with games and big stuffed bears. You lost your heart there, you left it where he won that teddy bear for you. He never loved you. All those nights with cuddles and movies, all those heart warming messages, the first time he told you he loved you.. just to make you feel better. To make you happy, he lied to you the whole time. You want it PERFECT, you want your love PERFECT. But you lay there in your bed with your miserable taste in love. You lay there with your regrets & scars. Just how he left you. He told you that you were perfect, but you were insecure about your looks and imperfections on your body. He never liked them. Nothing is new, just like your last
You were my poison, you were my drug. Addiction. Something I knew I didn’t need, but I kept coming back for that good feeling. That spark in my heart, and my eyes would light up like the lights in your trashed ass room. MESSY, you were messy. Your life was messy, the shit you’d do was everywhere. You already broke my heart and put poison in me. Get away, LEAVE. LEAVE how everyone else did. Fuck you and your nasty lies. Your lies crumbled in the palm of your rusty jagged hands. I used to think they were soft, just like your pretty little heart. Now they’re just plain and have no emotion just like mascots at a lame basketball game. Remember the first game we gone to together? Shit was sweet, but I caught on right away before my third heart heartbeat. My heart will never be there for you again, just because of your fucking POISON! What’s in your blood? Are you cold blooded, do you have a cold heart? Well you must have one, because you didn’t give a fuck if you hurt everyone. I thought I could help you, and introduce you to new things. That was just swept to the side like your deep miseries at the end of your barrel. Now you’re back at the bottom of the barrel, just because you left someone that was good for you. But I guess I wasn’t good enough, I never was. Everyone told me I was way out of your league. But hey, I’m back to breaking hearts! You made me cold blooded. Fuck your feels, FUCK you. Like I said, “you will never need me like my mother did, you will never LOVE me like my mother did.” You lied, why would you say those things and you knew you never meant it. You weren’t my fucking anchor, I was my own. Behind your back, I had my own anchor and I was my own captain. Never had my back like you said, lean your way honey. Like we both were anyways. That night you told me your definition of “love”, I knew you didn’t love me. “Why tell it over the phone when you can show it in person”, you knew you’d never do that. You stopped showing it ever since that night. Relationships die down, but there’s always someone to keep it going. They already try to keep it going. Finding out, i was always the one in the long run to keep it going. I lost feelings, but I didn’t give up on you. Shit, we talked about doing things together but never came true. It was mostly you stirring up our brew. I really wanted memories, but you weren’t reacting with me. You didn’t SHOW me affection. What a girl needs.. all along, our tea was really yours. You were making your potion the whole time, your POISON. You tricked me into spilling everything out and taking everything in. Especially that poison of yours, now I’m cursed with your cold love. Don’t blame me for who I am now, you poisoned me.