I walked out of the room trying not to cry. 

This is the fourth time I've cried this week.

It's Thursday.

The guys didn't even notice I left. I walked into my room and hoped Matt wasn't coming in here anytime soon. I would get on twitter but that's what started this pathetic crying. I flopped on my bed and cried into my pillow. After a few moments I got a huge urge. The last time I did was only yesterday. I got up and walked into the bathroom. I locked the door and grabbed my razor. I debated if I should or not but then I got a tweet.

Go die you asian dumbass. No one likes you, that's why all those "Carter" girls changed. Just leave now before someone does it for you.

The tears flowed even harder.

Nothing new though. Death threats, hate, name-calling, it's all part of my usual day. I put the razor to my wrist and drug it across, watching the blood rise up in little beads. I sliced cut after cut, getting deeper and faster as I went. I stopped when my vision got blurry. I closed my eyes and next thing I know someone was pounding on the door.

I opened my eyes to the bright hotel light and looked at my arms. The cuts were the worst the had ever been. They were deep and wide.

Shit.

"Carter?" A voice rang out. Did I dream the knocking?

"Carter, are you in here? You didn't come back. M-Matt's worried." It was Sam. He choked on Matt's name. He sounded upset.

I made him upset.

I made my angel upset.

God I hate myself. I stood up and got dizzy. I steadied myself and then flushed the toilet to make him think I went to the bathroom. I washed my blade and hid it then washed my cuts with boiling hot water. I smiled at the stinging pain. I deserved this pain. I dried off and pulled down my sweatshirt sleeve. I checked my face decided I wasn't going to look any better in two seconds. I opened the door to see Sam, raised fist, ready to knock.

"Hi." He said breathlessly.

"Hi." I whispered not trusting my voice. His beautiful face was in a distraught look, he looked like he was about to cry.

"Are you okay?" I asked pushing past him. If I stayed there any longer I would've done something I would regret. He turned around as I sat on the bed and looked at me like I was crazy.

"I should be asking you the same thing!" He exclaimed. My breathing quickened. He cares.

"Why?" I asked quietly.

"You just got up and left. I thought you were just grabbing your charger or something but then you were gone for like an hour. I pointed it out and Matt suddenly freaked out. Acted like he cared the whole time. So I came in here and called for you. You didn't answer for a moment but then I heard a flush after the second time I said your name. But my question is, why did you leave?" He explained. My breath had hitched when he mumbled Matt acted like he care the whole time. He probably thought I didn't hear that. He sighed and sat down next to me. We were so close that all I had to do was look at him and we'd almost be kissing. I put my phone in my sweatshirt pocket. Before I could do so with my hands Sam gently grabbed my left hand. My heart rate sped up I thought it going to explode. I was getting heat waves and my stomach felt funny. He absentmindedly stroked his thumb across the back of my hand.

"Carter. Are you okay? Please be honest." He said suddenly looking at me. I looked up at him. Our faces at least a foot apart. Closer than I thought.

"I'm fine." I added a fake smile to prove it.

"Bullshit." He deadpanned. I started sweating.

"What do you mean? I'm fine." I said trying to keep him from completely tearing apart my lie.

"Take off your sweatshirt." He demanded. His eyes were soft but upset.

"Why?" I asked, drawing it out.

"Carter I'm done pretending. I busted the door open and saw you laying there. I- I know what you did- do. I wanted to see if you'd tell me. Carter tell me why. Please. Why would you hurt yourself? Why would someone as beautiful you do that?" His voice cracked. He pushed up my sleeves. I was paralyzed with shame, love, and fear.

"I'm not good enough. Everyone wants me dead anyways." I whispered. A tear ran down his face. He didn't make a move to wipe it away. He just held my hands as if I'd disappear if he let go. I looked at my lap.

"Take your pants off." He said suddenly. I looked at him like he was crazy.

"What?" I was truly confused.

"Do it." He persisted. Then I remembered my cuts. Those were always worse than my wrists. He knew so I stood up and pulled them down slowly. All the cuts were there. Hundreds on hundreds all the way down to my knees. He had tears freely flowing down his face. He pulled me down to the bed again.

"Carter." He choked out. I finally broke and started bawling. He pulled me onto his lap. He rocked me back and forth, kissing my head every once and awhile.

"Just let it out. You've been too strong and secretive for too long." He whispered. I wrapped my arms around his back. He hugged me tightly. I started to calm down. I climbed out of his grip and sat on the bed. He sat with his legs on either side of me as I was cross-legged. He put his hands on my face and wiped at the tears.

"Carter listen. I don't know how you're going to react to this. Carter," He sighed and was quiet for a moment. " Carter I love you. No, I'm in love with you. You're perfect. This kills me. I can't believe you think you aren't perfect. I don't understand why you hate yourself. Please don't hate me but I love you Carter." He confessed. He looked at me for a moment. I wasn't crying anymore. He suddenly leaned in and captured my lips in the most perfect kiss ever. I instantly kissed back. He pulled back.

"Sorry." He muttered.

"I'm in love with you too." I whispered. He looked at me with hopeful eyes.

"Really?" He asked like a little kid who was just told they were going to disneyland. I chuckled slightly.

"Yes Sam." I said. He picked up my wrists and kissed both of them.

"No more. Please come to me every time you feel the urge. I know it's hard. I know you can't just stop. You might even cut again after this. Even though the thought of you cutting hurts me so much. I know you can't just quit. But please try, for me. Try to fight the urge." He started crying again. He took a few deep breaths and wiped his tears.

"I'll try." Was all I could get out. He kissed my forehead, then my cheeks, then my nose. I scrunched up my nose and he chuckled.

"You are so adorable." He whispered. I blushed. He kissed my lips softly. He pulled away. He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me down so my head was in his lap. He ran his fingers through my hair. I started to fall asleep looking up at his perfect features.

"Carter, will you be my boyfriend?" He asked. I opened my eyes sleepily and l tried to focus on his face. He was looking down at me. I nodded my head. My eyes closed again. He was still running his fingers through my hair.

"Okay Carter you should change. It's 8:27. You should go to bed." He said. I didn't move, as I was comfortable and too tired to move. He stood up I curled into myself. He slid his arms around my torso.

"Come on baby boy get changed and you can sleep all night." He whispered soothingly. He stood me up and I hugged him, burying my face into his chest. My eyes burned from crying and I just wanted to sleep. He let go of me and walked over to my suitcase. I sat back down. He grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a tee shirt. He walked back over to me.

"Arms up." He said like I was a child. He grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it off. I was falling back asleep so I forgot about the burns and scars on my stomach.

Fat.

Ugly.

Stupid.

Those three words were carved in big letters across my stomach. I opened my eyes to his fingers running across my stomach. His touch sent tingles up my spine and chills throughout my body. He looked upset. He picked up the shirt and put on me. He pulled my pants off the rest of the way. He put the sweatpants on me.

"Will you stay with me?" I asked quietly.

"I wasn't planning on leaving." He replied. He pulled back the covers and I slid in and he did too behind me. I turned to face him and placed my head on his chest. He wrapped his arm around me. He kissed my forehead.

"I love you Carter. I always will." He whispered.

"I love you too Sam." I whispered back and fell asleep.

"I don't fucking get it." I groaned walking out of my last class, geometry. I was with my best friend Shawn.

"Neither do I bro." He said. We walked down to my locker.

"Wait I don't need anything. Dammit." I laughed and we started towards the café in our school. We walk in and I headed for my usual table while Shawn went and got us ice cream twix bars.

"Hey babe." A deep voice said while arms wrapped around my waist. I turned around to see my boyfriend. I put my bag on a chair and hugged him.

"Hi." I whispered. He ran his hand up and down my back, his other hand running through my hair. He always did this when I was upset.

"What's wrong baby boy?" He asked. I looked up at him. I came up to his chin so it was perfect.

"I don't understand a thing we're doing in geometry and we have a test tomorrow. I'm gonna fail." I said, tears welling up. Now usually I don't get so worked up over school. But it was closing in on the end of the year and I wanted to pass with halfway decent grades. Even though I was almost failing all my classes.

"Hey, hey. It's okay. Why don't I help you study tonight? Would that make you feel a little bit better?" He asked. I nodded. He tilted my chin up and kissed me softly. We heard some girls "awing" and pulled away chuckling. We had been dating for a year and everyone at school still hadn't gotten used to us yet. All the girls thought we were the cutest thing ever and all the guys supported us.

"Hey here's your twix slut." Shawn said tossing me the bar.

"Thanks skank." I replied. "Ooh extra points for rhyming." I added laughing. I sat down and Jack sat on my side of the booth and pulled me into his lap, wrapping his arms around my waist and nuzzling his head on my back.

"You tired babe?" I asked. He nodded. I finished my twix and went to go throw it away.

"No don't leave. You're warm." Jack whined. I turned around in his grip and kissed him, making his hold loosen.

"Aye Gilinsky, get some!" Dillon, one of the basketball players on the team with Jack, yelled. I pulled away blushing and then went and threw away the wrapper. I went back and sat on Jack again. When we had started dating it was weird. Everyone was more weirded out by the fact that Jack had been a Junior and I a Freshman at the time. Everyone was very accepting at our school.

"You know we could leave now, right?" Jack asked slightly loud as there was a lot of students in the café.

"We could... But then we'd be leaving Shawn alone and I'm not doing that." I said. He just smiled and kissed my nose.

"I love how you love your friends so much." He sighed happily. I blushed. We sat there talking to Shawn and Matt who joined us a little later with his girlfriend Mahogany.

"I'm so alone. I hate you all." Shawn jokingly pouted. Although me being his best friend, I could he was truly jealous of us at least a little.

"Aw is little Shawny jealous?" Matt cooed. We all laughed.

"No but seriously. We should find Shawn a boyfriend." I said. I smiled even wider.

"No Hayes. Don't you dare tell them." He said once he saw my smile.

"We should try and set him up with-" I cut myself off as Shawn stood up. I waited for him to sit back down. "Carter Reynolds." I said quickly and hugged Jack to protect myself. He just laughed and pushed me off.

"Sorry babe but you deserve this." He pushed out of the seat. I ran around to the opposite side so I was facing Shawn across the table.

"Please don't hurt me. I'm only helping you! I swear." I pleaded. He chased me in some tight circles for a little bit before I sat down, tired and defeated, next to Jack.

"Okay. Okay. I'm sorry." I said in between breaths. Jack wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

"No. Too hot. Tired." I gently pushed his arm off. He chuckled and kissed my forehead. I was breathing hard.

"Damn you are out of shape. I saw you run like once around this table." Nash laughed walked up to the table. I flipped him off. "So you coming home with me or is Gilinsky driving you?" He asked.

"I'm going with Jack." I told him. He nodded.

"See you at home." He called, walking away. We sat around talking a little more until Matt and Mahogany had to leave.

"Bye guys. See you tomorrow." Mahogany waved and they left.

"They are an adorable couple." I commented. We waited until Shawn's mom was here then we all walked out together.

"Bye Hayes, good luck with studying. No sex until after he understands it!" He called, the last part directed to Jack. I flipped him off. Jack and I walked with our fingers intertwined to his car. The drive to my house was a comfortable silence.We got out and walked in. No one was home. Figures.

"Okay go to your room and put your stuff down. I'll make us smoothies." Jack said kissing my cheek. I went up to my room and put my bag down. I got out the MacBook Air every student got this year and plugged it in. I grabbed my folder and pulled out every worksheet and notes sheet that would pertain to this god forsaken test tomorrow. I sat on twitter waiting for Jack.

"Here you are my beautiful prince." Jack said in a, very good, british accent. He handed me my smoothie and I took a drink. This is why I love him, it was perfect.

"Okay so geometry." He said and I groaned. I was sat on my bed, resting against the headboard, papers spread across the bed in front of me. He was right next to me; also leaning against the headboard. He wrapped his arm around my waist, rubbing small circles with his thumb on my hip.

"You're fine. I'll help you through it all." He whispered against my temple then kissed it. I smiled. "So which part do you absolutely not understand?" He asked.

"All of it..." I said sheepishly. He chuckled. We set our drinks down and got to business. Jack would rub my back if I got extra upset. Every time I'd start to understand things he'd kiss me.

"Jack I just don't understand. Why do we need to know this? Why is this so important? It's too confusing and when in the fucking hell will I ever have to graph a congruent angle in my life?" I complained.

"Sorry to be a know-it-all but you don't graph congruent angles. I-" I cut him off.

"I don't care. I really don't. I don't care about any of this so why do I need to know it?" I whined. Jack pulled me onto his lap. He rocked back and forth and kissed my head.

"You just do. Hayes, I know it seems stupid-" I interrupted him.

"It doesn't SEEM stupid. It IS stupid."

"Fine. It may be stupid but if you want to pass this year you have to know it. So come on. You have one more worksheet left and then you're done. You can do this." He soothed. I sighed and slid off his lap. I had already finished my smoothie and I was getting hungry. I checked the time. It was 7:36 at night. We finished the worksheet and I was drained.

"I'm tired. I feel like I just ran a marathon." I whined. Jack laughed.

"You didn't even move anything besides your hand." He picked my hand up and started rubbing circles on the palm.

"Exactly." I said in a "duh" tone. He leaned over and kissed me. I smiled. I put all of my stuff away and Jack I were cuddling on my bed.

"I'm so tired." I said sleepily. My body was in between his legs, my head on his stomach, his left arm under mine with our hands intertwined, his right running through my hair.

"I'm proud of you. You got it all done. You got this Hayes. You'll pass that test. I believe in you." Jack told me. I smiled.

I passed the test.