My Hijab and I

 

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Chapter 1

Day One – Jan 23rd 2013.

Hi there. I’m Jess, I’m 21, and I’m a non-Muslim. However, today I have decided to wear a headscarf, or hijab as it is more commonly known, for a month. The reason I am wearing a hijab is simple - a friend of mine asked me to. Not because she wanted me to look stupid, but because World Hijab Day is on Feb 1st 2013 and she was asking all of her non-Muslim friends to join her in wearing the hijab.

I've wanted to wear a hijab for some time now, but have always shied away from it because I wasn't sure that I could since I am not Muslim. However, my friend assures me that the hijab is mostly about modesty, although it does obviously have ties to Islam as well. So today I thought "Why not?" and did my best to create a hijab with my scarf. I have ordered two hijabs and some pins, so until they arrive I will be wearing a scarf wrapped around my head.

However, my optimism wasn't quite shared with the rest of the world. On my walk to university today I saw over 60 people. Of those people, 16 of them looked me in the eyes and only 3 of them smiled back at me. Everybody else either studiously ignored me or looked at me and then hastily looked away. It was surprisingly upsetting for me, as I'm not used to being avoided in the street. Even my partner noticed that we were being avoided, almost as if we had the lurgy.

This made me realise that people are often casually racist without realising. By looking at someone and then looking away, you make them feel as if they should be ashamed. I certainly felt that way - I felt as if I should be looking down at the floor in shame, although I couldn't quite work out why I should be ashamed, or indeed what I should be ashamed of.

The people who looked at me seemed to have a surprised and curious look on their face, as if they couldn't work out why a white girl would be wearing a hijab. A lot of people expect those who wear the hijab to be of African or Middle Eastern origin, so to see me wandering about wearing a hijab might have been a suprise. However, I do wonder why it's such a surprise - England is, after all, a free and democratic society and one would think that anybody could wear whatever they wanted.

I also felt very angry as person after person avoided my gaze whilst I wore the hijab. To test my theory, I lowered my hijab and walked down a street bareheaded ... and the difference was immense! People returned my gaze and smiled back at me, but the minute I returned to wearing the hijab I also returned to being invisible and someone who shouldn't be looked at. One man even crossed the street the moment he realised that I was wearing a hijab!

It really disgusted me to see such judgment and rudeness from people who would normally have returned my gaze and possibly smiled back at me. I have always prided myself on being likeable and approachable, and to think that the simple wearing of a hijab would change the way people saw me was a real kick in the teeth. I almost felt betrayed in a way, and felt ashamed of my own people. To think that just 16 people had the decency to look me in the eyes and not care what I was wearing was really saddening, especially as I expected more people to look at me.

One thing that cheered me up was someone in a workshop that I'm taking part in. She said she thought that people like me who wore the hijab were "brave" because of the statement we were making and even made the point that "it's not something like a cross that you can hide in your shirt, it's something you wear on your head", which was a really pertinent point. Muslim women cannot hide the fact that they are Muslim - it's out there for the world to see, especially if they wear the hijab - and nor should they!

So that was my first day of wearing the hijab. I'd say I hope that things will improve, but don't hold your breath.

Day Two – Jan 24th 2013.

Today was a rather mixed bag for me. On the one hand, most of my university friends were very friendly towards me and treated me in exactly the same manner as they have done, but on the other hand ... some people were a bit more open with their discrimination.

My partner and I were getting the bus home from university between my morning lecture and my seminar (the first hijab was worn to my morning lecture and the second one was worn to my seminar) and there happened to be a woman standing in the aisle with her two young children. The bus pulled in to our stop and I went to get off after my partner. As he walked off, the lady didn't move her children, but as I got off the bus, she pulled her children away. And it wasn't just a case of moving them slightly out of the way - she literally yanked her children out of my path as if I were carrying a weapon. This really upset me because she had no reason to move her children. They were not in my way, and I was not in theirs. There was, in fact, enough room to fit two people in that aisle, so why she felt the need to drag her children away from me is beyond me.

After my seminar, I came home and did a quick check of my article, youtube video and post on the World Hijab Day page on Facebook. Whilst most of the comments were positive, a few of them were truly horrible. One person posted "that looks like a man not a woman" and someone else went on a ranting rampage about how I could not possibly understand how people feel and how I should try being somebody with a disability or with black skin. One other woman, whose point I can understand, asked me if the reason that I noticed how many people looked at me was because I was counting.

Let me clarify this once and for all for everyone out there who wants to be rude to me. I am doing this because my friend asked me to support World Hijab Day. I did not do this to upset anybody, anger anybody or receive abuse for stating my opinion. I wrote about my experiences and was very hurt to think that complete strangers would be so rude to me. These people don't know me, and never will, and yet they feel that a keyboard makes them immune. My first thought was "how dare you say such things about me?" and then I sat and calmed down. My thoughts now are that these people are sad, lonely people whosay such things because they think that a keyboard makes them untouchable.

I am going to continue to wear my hijabs that I bought from www.myscarfshop.com and am even considering buying a few more! I am also going to start reading an English translation of the Qur'an, as I want to learn more about Islam (and I thought that the Qur’an would be as good a place as any to start!).

So that was my day - most people were lovely to me and were willing to talk to me, look at me and even get to know me, but sadly some others were not. It's a shame that such people exist, but insh'Allah they will see how futile and infantile their actions are. They will not stop me from wearing the hijab or writing about my experiences, and nor will they make me feel upset or ashamed of myself. I am stronger than they are, and I know that I am doing this for the right reasons.

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El AK

This was really refreshing to read and I'm actually glad I could find another Muslim here on Tablo!

But aside from that, on Chapter 1, the last few sentences where you said "Insh'Allah", just to correct you, that it should be In Sha Allah.

Before I wouldn't have separated it but someone reminded me that in Arabic 'In Sha Allah' is three words and when I checked, she was right.

And combining it together would be dangerous because we might be changing the meaning of it completely. >_<

But other than that, May Allah Bless you and congratulations for converting to Islam! :D

Marufa Hoque

Simply beautiful! Please continue writing!

Chapter 2

Day Three – Jan 25th 2013.

Today has been truly amazing, although I have, once again, had some negative comments on what I am doing. I have removed them and will not allow them here. However, what I will do is reply to them.

Quite a few people have said "You will never know what it's like to be a Muslim, you think it's just a piece of cloth, it's not that at all" and I do agree. However, what these people do not realise is that I have been doing this for three days. Not my entire life, not even a month or six months ... three days. Of course I won't know what it's like to live as a Muslim after three days, and to suggest otherwise is ridiculous. Even I have not suggested that - I am simply writing about what I experience in my day-to-day life as I go about my business. I am not going to know what it is like to grow up as a Muslim, nor will I know what it is like to pray, fast, go on Hajj etc because I am not a Muslim and I'm hardly going to turn into a full-blown one after such a short amount of time!

I have also had people point out to me that not every Muslim woman wears the hijab. I am aware of this - after all, I am an intelligent woman of 21 who had a rather broad religious education at secondary school and who has read extensively on many subjects - and I do know several Muslim women who do not wear the hijab. In fact, two girls in my class at secondary school did not wear the hijab and they were both raised as Muslims. The idea was to wear the hijab and see the response, because had I not worn the hijab then the whole idea would have been a little bit farcical. After all, it's the obvious signs of someone's religion that provokes the reaction, not a person wandering down the street with no obvious signs of their religion.

Day 4 – Jan 26th 2013.

Today was a pretty good day. I went shopping at my local charity shops for some long-sleeved tops (most of my summer wardrobe is short-sleeved or no-sleeved) and everybody was really respectful to me! They were polite to me, smiled at me, met my gaze and were generally really pleasant. I'm starting to realise that the majority of people are lovely to those who wear the hijab, and that it is simply the narrow-minded few who do not show those who wear the hijab any respect.

Sadly, this evening was where the illusion ended. I rang my parents, as I do every week, and told them about what I was doing so that they would not be surprised to hear about it later on or after the event. My father was the first person I spoke to, and he was not at all happy that his daughter is taking part in something worthwhile. You'd have thought he'd support me, but no. The entirety of our conversation was spent with him telling me how dreadful I was for doing this, and then he started attacking my upcoming wedding, saying that the timing was 'wrong' and how my idea of walking down the aisle to the Irish national anthem is ridiculous ... suffice it to say that he and I probably won't speak much for the foreseeable future.

My mother, on the other hand, was truly lovely. She told me she is 100% behind me, but did voice her concern for my safety, which is a natural thing to do. I understand where she is coming from and I totally respect her concerns, but I do hve to admit that it's unusual for my father to be so rude and patronising. He seems to think that I'm a little girl who can be manipulated and talked down to, but he is wrong. All he has done is spur me on to keep doing this and prove to him that actually I am a woman who knows her own mind and will not be told how to live my life by anybody, even if he is my father.

I respect that my parents are concerned for my welfare, which is a perfectly reasonable concern to have, but I do not respect the manner in which my father put his concern across. There are ways and means of telling your children that you are concerned about them, and putting them down is not the right way to do it. Insh'Allah my father will learn to accept what I am doing and will at least be proud of what I am doing rather than talking down to me as if I'm still nine years old.

I would just like to take this opportunity to thank everybody who has supported me so far. I know it's only been four days but the support has been overwhelming and I am proud of everybody who has spoken out to voice their support of everybody who wears the hijab - you are all tremendously beautiful people and I absolutely love all of you! Keep going, stay strong, and let's do this thing!

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Chapter 3

Day 5 – Jan 27th 2013.

Today is the first day all month when I haven't had to go somewhere or do something that requires going somewhere, so I thought I would take time to reflect on what I have learned so far. I know people will probably think "Well what could you learn in 5 days" but trust me, these last 5 days have basically been like a crash course in finding out about myself. It's like intensive therapy, it really is - and I've been on a massive rollercoaster ride.

One major thing I have learnt about myself is that I am beautiful both with and without the hijab. I can be beautiful on the inside and the outside, and I don't need to slap makeup onto my face or wear provocative clothing to be a beautiful person. Whilst the hijab keeps my beauty hidden from men whose eyes would be drawn to one place only, it does not make me any less attractive to my fiancé, nor does it make me any less of a person. In fact, it makes me more aware of myself and how my beauty is not for everyone to see.

I have also learnt that I am not as simple as I've tried to make myself out to be. I am actually a very complex person with many facets to my belief system. For example, I have taken some aspects of Christianity (the sanctity of marriage), some aspects of Buddhism (the belief in reincarnation and karma), some aspects of paganism (the Threefold law, karma, many of their more moral beliefs such as treating others as you want to be treated, and the herb lore, crystal lore and some spell work) and even some aspects of Islam too (keeping oneself modestly dressed, believing in the oneness of God, the idea that Mohammed, Jesus and Moses etc were Prophets of God, halal meat and no alcohol).

My belief system has become enriched and far more diverse than I could ever have imagined it becoming. When I was in secondary school and experiencing bullying, all sense of faith deserted me. I didn't believe in anything or anyone - to me, God was someone to be hated and pushed aside because I couldn't see how a supposedly merciful God could send such trials my way. Now I realise that actually God visited those trials upon me to teach me some vital life lessons, which I will list below.

  1. I am strong. God sent me the bullies who tormented me to teach me strength. Had I not been bullied so ferociously, I would not be able to stand up for myself and for what is right. I would be a quiet, shy, timid little thing sitting somewhere avoiding arguments and justice.

  2. Honesty really is the best policy.When I was in secondary school, I made up stories and lied to gain popularity because I felt insecure and inadequate. Nowadays I realise that it is other people who have problems with my honesty, and that lying will not get me anywhere. All that happens when you lie is that you get caught, and people don't like liars.

  3. I am a good person. I know I harp on about the bullies a lot, but they really did infiltrate my life to a disturbing degree. They made me feel as if I was worthless, ugly, stupid, too skinny, and generally a negative person. What I have now come to accept is that I am a good person, and that often my intentions are misconstrued. It's simply a matter of rectifying the issue, not blaming myself.

  4. I am beautiful both on the outside and the inside. God has blessed me with a beautiful body and a beautiful soul, and it is about time that I accepted that. I know it might sound arrogant to say that I am beautiful, but I see it as honesty. I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world, I know that, but I am not ugly or disgusting to look at. I am attractive to my fiancé and I am beautiful in the eyes of God, and that is all that matters.

  5. Life is not about what other people think of you. God does not care what other people think of us. He is only interested in how we act and how we behave. Whilst other people's opinions are important, they do not define us and they have no real impact upon how we live our lives.

  6. Life is a beautiful thing to be lived and enjoyed. God sent us this life to live, and sitting around moping is not going to get us anywhere. Life is there to be enjoyed, no matter how dark things may seem. Just remember that the dark times are there to teach you something, and instead of seeing the misery of it, we should see the lesson and learn from it.

So, whilst I will not be converting to Islam, I have taken a great deal from it. This experience has taught me that I am not the person that I thought I was - I am a creation of God and I am a good person. My belief system is made up of elements from different religions, and that is not a bad thing. That is a good thing because I can teach my children to have a broad belief system and that they do not have to fit a certain mould. Religion, like life, is there to be enjoyed and its diversity shows that.

I will continue on my journey with the hijab, and I hope that my journey continues to be as happy, fulfilling, peaceful and informative as the last 5 days have been.

Day 6 – Jan 28th 2013.

Today has been a day of yet more wonderful news. As I wrote a few days ago, the BBC approached me to do an interview with them, which will be going out this Friday (so everyone in Norfolk, look out for it!). I have now also been asked to submit my story to an online magazine, which I have done, and I may also be appearing on Look East to do a televised interview. The last interview is still being thrashed out, so don't get your hopes up just yet! I will let you know what is happening with it as soon as I know.

Today was also another happy day for me, because wherever I went people were respectful and lovely to me. Even the pub landlord was very respectful to me and brought me my tea - something that most pub landlords don't normally do for me. We saw our wedding co-ordinator to discuss our menu with the hotel chef, and I am very pleased to announce that they will be providing halal meat for all of our guests, as well as some fish and vegetarian options for those who do not eat meat! It's a great step forward for us, and I am glad that we have managed to put a little bit of Islam into our wedding, despite it being a non-religious ceremony.

I also bought myself a copy of the Qur'an to read (the Abdullah Yusuf Ali translation for those who are interested!) after I finish the one I have borrowed from my library. I believe it's good practice to read as many translations of a book as you can so that you can see how other people translate it and make your own judgement of it. So far I've done this withThe Odyssey,The Aeneid and even some French poetry, although finding different translations of French poetry sometimes proves difficult!

In another step along my journey's path, I went shopping today for our weekly groceries and took the step of omitting pig meat from the list of things to buy. I am not sure if our butcher is a halal butcher, but I know that he sources his meat locally and slaughters it humanely, so I suppose that will have to do until I can find a halal butcher. I'm sure that Norwich has some somewhere - it's a big enough city to have one! I will look into it and see if I can shop there the next time I buy our groceries.

The final step that I have taken is to remove as much alcohol as I can from my wedding. We are having a cash bar, where guests pay for their own alcohol, but none of the drinks on the tables will be alcohol. Our reception drinks are lemonade, there will be apple juice and water on the tables during the wedding breakfast, and the toast drink will be something non-alcoholic, although we have yet to decide upon this. We can't ban alcohol entirely, but we can at least allow people the option of staying sober as opposed to getting drunk.

Tomorrow will mark the first week of me wearing the hijab, and yet it feels like a lifetime. It sounds clichéd, but I honestly cannot remember my life without the hijab. I know that wearing it around my parents will invite criticism, and I still have not yet decided if I will be able to pluck up the courage to wear it around them, but I will definitely wear it more often (not every day, but more often).

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank my friend Widyan from the bottom of my heart. Without her, I would not be doing this or have the courage to continue despite the rude, disgusting and sometimes downright vile comments I have received. She is the most amazing woman I know and she inspires me every day. Thank you Widyan, you are the best friend I could have asked for and I love you as my sister in Islam. Subhan'Allah!

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