Before the roads were paved


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In this story you will learn what its was like for a young child to be raised by a mother with special needs. You will feel joy, sadness and heart ache Most important you will experience the unconditional  mother- child love. I hope to touch each and every one of your souls.

                             " i've got a darkness

                                it illuminates me

                                you've had it all wrong

                               its not the devils song

                               i'm glowing in mystery

                                its radiating mastery

                               who would've knew

                               I brightens the room"

                                             JM Blackdog








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Chapter 1

She realized she was born in a strange and exciting place. given a family of disgrace and the forgotten. Her mother trembled in her steps and staggered in he speech, she watched her closely heart full of faith. She was a child eagerly placed on purpose. there was not a doubt in her mind that in that home was where she belonged.

Her little brother sat silently on the floor. she watched him grunt and point to communicate what he wanted. Her mother sat with him on the floor to help help learn to develop his motor skills. She studied her mothers movements and understood her brothers needs.

And she knew her little brother was just like her mother. She had a satisfied heart and faith that her brother would be fine. She didn't know what faith was but she had the faith and certainty of a child for sure. 

As her mother tried and spend time teaching the same things to her brother her baby sister would scream for attention. And the girl would watch as her mother would handle it most the time with a gentle approach. But the girl saw the deep sadness that her mother carried in her heart. Her bright blue eyes had grey clouds over them.

The memory of her brother etched into her mind. That blue baby romper with his perfectly combed hair, parted on the left and combed to the right. Not an easy task for her mother. They boy had thick ash blonde hair that sprung up against gravity. 

The girl saw that her brother carried a gentleness within him too. His cry was soft and sweet like a new born kitten. Never piercing like most newborns, and he didn't say any words. He remained this way until he was about five. He was magical being born on mothers day he was meant to be gifted to our mom. She realized he was going to teach her how to understand herself. She learned what unconditional love meant when she was given a child exactly like her. A woman, a mother raising a son with significant developmental delay. He was soft and cuddly she dressed him in baby blue, bathed him daily and combed his hair too.

He was a beautiful child she remember his hue. He had a soft face and smelled like fresh baby. she would keep an eye on him for her mom when she tended to her baby sister and it was a challenge for the mother.

She took care of all  her children on her own. And she wasn't that good at it at first. People stepped in to get her on track. But as the children got a little older she fell right into her role.

Her mom was always moving around except when her soaps where on. Keeping busy making us meal, cleaning the house, doing laundry. You see, she was like any other mother, homemaker. She instinctively knew the the deal.

This particular day five year old (              ) felt the warm autumn sun with a kiss off brisk air resting against the skin on the back of her hands and face. She liked to play a game. really it was not a game just activity. The kind children do. She would step into the shade of a large grey oak tree, out of the suns warmth. It was striking to her how the warmth disappeared unlike a few days ago when the warmth was flt even in the shade. 

Just earlier she was inside watching her mother care for her brother and sister. Now shes out side looking in to the neatly kept double wide mobile home. The flowers skirted the base of the trailer and she could see her little brother still sitting in the same place. Her mother kept the sliding glass doors very clean. Not an easy task im sure, with the lot of us running and crawling like a fresh pack of wild pups.

she would take a moment to watch them from her spot in the yard, then she would raise her eyes to the tall trees. The yard was scattered with oak trees. She was a climber, in her mind she knew there would be no tree she couldn't climb. She stared for a while at the oaks and pines and decided it was time to climb. She chose a pine tree. She wanted pine nuts. Not really she just wanted to climb and touch the sky.

I was chilly, but not cold so she kicked off her shoes and gave it a go. She was nearly half way when a taxi came down the drive she watched as it dropped off her dad and then pulled back down the drive, but it stopped and came back again . backing up all the was until it was back in the spot it let her dad out. 

She got down from the tree siding a bit getting bark in her hands. She didn't even grab her shoes, her dad was home and she was full of cheer. But he didn't stay, he only stopped by to give her mom money. He saw the girl standing on the porch, stopped and gave a pat to her head the assumed she would understand that he just couldn't stay.

He left and her mind never lingered on her dad leaving again and why, instead she was focused on living right then.

Her mom doing her thing in the kitchen, making the kids sombreros and rice.. It was fried bologna. The best! Her mom made every moment rich. Even the poorest. The feeling was warm, as if it was a fresh spring mornig every day growing up with her little family. Only the warmest days remained in her mind, until her teens. 

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Good or bad that's all she had

Sure SJ fried up bologna for meals. But there was other things she did to make her kids smile. She included the other children. Remembering each of them by their names. And having the ability to associate their favorite food or treat possibly television show with each of them. 

And her daughter noticed this. She did take note, she was learning how magical her mother was. She realized her potential. The childs' mind never lies. She would follow SJ around closely, on her heels every where shed go. After tripping , stepping and knocking into her little girl, in frustration she asked her. "Why do you keep following me, Why wont you leave me alone?"

The girl looking up with her little brown eyes and chubby cheeks she began to speak but not before she stretched a beautiful smile across her face crowding her face."Because you're my mommy, I have to follow you." The girl continued to follow her.

Sj laughed and shook her head. 

What is a girl to do, with a mother from heaving so gentle and true. This girl wasn't going to let her mother out of her sight. She was made of magic, she could see her fate her future in her eyes. Isn't this how every child sees their mother? 

SJ began to take on some what of a child like role in comparison to her oldest daughter. The girl began giving her instructions on daily activities. By the time the girl was almost six she was able to cook. And knew if her mother needed help with her siblings, however with this knew knowledge she found that it carried responsibility and then she found that all she wanted to do was go, just go out side and play for a little while. She was holding onto being a kid. And keeping the window of responsibility open so she would know when it was time to help out.

That's a lot to take on for a girl her age. But it was nothing, seemed to just happen a little. Even though her mother was the lead she was the advisor. This was a trait that became a trend within her family as well. Even her grandmother asked her for advice. 

What lotto numbers to pick. What to make for dinner. Its possible the girl had a lofty imagination and really felt like she was truly the boss. This wasn't something that was normal. 

The girl wanted a good life, she wanted her mom and siblings to live happy with  no bullies, she used to beg to move with her cousins out of state. It wasn't the land, that was her medicine, her escape. It was the people. The anger and the pain. The egos walking around all around her. 

Not the greatest thing in the life of a young girl.

SJ wow she was brilliant though. She always made the best of things. Shed make cookies ad put on a favorite show for the kids. Shed turn up the radio and let the kids sing and dance. Mucis was SJs favorite thing to enjoy.

Those dirt roads where long. The pickup was small and the windows where always rolled down. The girl was always on the floor at her mothers feet. Singing along to the radio. To any song the came across. She knew the words. She felt the energy. 

It was peaceful for the girl. Outside of civilization, away from the snobs. Good ties and bad. Really that's all they had.




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Mothers evolution

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Telling stories

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We're all part something.

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No they're paving it!

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In the cold

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