Going out of home, rushing for the tube with a cup of coffee in hand, the normal first one of each morning, because let’s face it, without coffee right away, first thing in the morning, i just cannot function, not properly, not at all. Running in high heels became a support I am actually good at, something that requires training and time, although some might call me crazy for rushing around in the messy sidewalks around the neighbourhood  I surely know that I can do it, I am trained and I just can’t work without my sky scrapper shoes anymore, with a few exceptions. If it wasn’t for the traffic in London I would have been already driving to work, as the tube was this suffocating, smelly, sweaty place that became part of my routine two years before when I decided to move back and settled down in London. With a good job, actually a great job, and a good pay check I decided it was more than time for me to stop going from  place to place, changing cities, addresses and even countries every few months or so. It was not like I was old, I was not yet counting the months until my 30^th birthday, but still I thought that for a change, and a test to my limits I would try to stay as long as possible and I was counting on two whole years living in the same place by now, at least in the same city as I had to change places three times by that time but had finally found my right place to live.

Settling down in a whole new city also gave me some more opportunities to practice the sin of my little escapes from the everyday chaotic life, something that I did before but since staying around for longer was something I ended up doing much more often, with a little more danger to it.

I had quite a few meetings in that day, mostly small appointments with new upcoming designers, a few brands and one or two calls for events on the upcoming weeks. I loved my job, but some days I just wished that I could do more and better, something different, although I would not trade it for anything, and I aimed for higher goals and I was surely fighting for them and I would make them happen, I was already getting in my way to it. Angie was expecting me, with a smile across her face, seems permanently tattooed into her lips, and the only kind of smile that always seemed honest and kind around that place. The fashion world was a competitive, like war zone, industry, where fake smiles, dishonest pats on the back and more stabbing and pulling down than almost any other work, but I was used to it, and I loved a good fight and a good reason to keep on moving and keep on winning.

-Good morning, Angie. – I smiled as she passed me on another cup of coffee, a paper one that she had picked on the way to our office. She was not only my assistant but she was also a close friend of mine, perhaps the closest I had. As I kept moving from place to place through my entire life I was never one to make friends, at least the kind of friends that everyone have the good ones that you can count on for everything, no matter where or how you are. Acquaintances those I had a lot, but friends, people to trust and share secrets and moments with I would say that not even a hand full I could rely on, but Angie was in that rather scarce group and on the top of the list.

-Got you some coffee, black, two sugars. – She said and I smiled a little wider. She would usually bring me something new every day, something to my taste, but in those busy days she knew that the only thing that would get me working was the plane black good old coffee, that or quite a few amounts of espressos, but Angela seemed to take better care of my health than what I did. I never had a sister so she was the kind of person I could image as being an older sister, the amazing type we can rely and run to when something is wrong, the type of sister or friend that looks after us when we cannot or when we will not. I was glad that my first assistant decided to quit just after two weeks of work and Angela took her place, even if I was not that much willing to give her the place, that one moment I decided to give up and let her come was probably one of those “everything happens for a reason” kind of moment and it was clear where it lead us.

We both walked in into my office, a clear and large place, white walls and white furniture, appointments of colour and fresh flowers every other day, a huge mood board to messy for everyone else but just perfect for me to understand. I sat on the white leather sofa, Angie by my side, it was sort of our morning ritual, before I would go and dive ahead into my laptop, schedule and a million other things.

-So, for today you will have…-And so she started enumerating every single detail, even the least interesting ones from my day. I did my best not to laugh at times, she was so pervaded in her work that it made me wonder if she was not more fitting to this position than what I was, although I knew that she only aimed to be a journalist, while on my side I wanted to be a full time fashion editor, even if that meant that I had to give up from a lot in life. –That would be all. And it’s Friday, meaning we could go out and have a drink later tonight. And maybe tonight you could go home before it is morning, if you know what I mean. –She said as I stared at her raised eyebrow, giving me the “I am not judging but I am looking after you” look.

-I am not sure of what you mean. –I smiled, apologetically.

-Oh, c’mon Cat, it is not like we do not know your certain predilection for one night stands and risky guys.

-They are not risky, I know what I am doing. It is not like I go on with any guy that shows up in front of me. I have certain standards and I do not go ahead if any of the parts is drunk, not even slightly. You know that. And we all have our ways to let go of stress, this is mine, it is more usual than what you or many others can imagine. I am no saint, but then again I am not looking for a place among those on the highs. –I said a bit sarcastically but she laughed and I looked at her in disbelief.

-I know that it is not the most unusual thing, at least you are not doing drugs or killing people, which would be much worse.

-And much dirtier. – I laughed, actually we both did.

-You are dirty enough on your own way. – She smirked and I lightly punched her. – Now seriously, what I think you need is a decent guy to make you…well, calm down your inner needs.

-A decent what? Guy? Decent guy? Those words can even go together? C’mon, Angie, all guys have one only thing in mind, and it is the same thing I have. Decent guys exist only in romantic movies and perfect Victorian novels.

-It is not so much like that, there are decent guys, not all of them are the same. Yes, they all want it, as we girls do, but honestly some men are quite decent and would do you very well.

-What do you know about it? I mean, you play on the other team, I would go for you if I needed advice with girls but with guys? I do not trust that kind for anything else other than pleasure.

-You are hopeless! And yes, I am a lesbian, one in a very happy relationship for all the matters, but I also have three brothers, all of them quite straight, and even though Johnny may still be one wild teenager whose hormones seem out of control, Lionel and Charles are decent man, one of them with a family and kids. –She smiled, proudly. Yes, she was the kind of girl that loved having a big family, nieces, nephews, brothers, parents, all the package. On my side, I had my father, no siblings and my mother had passed away about five years before with an aneurism, possibly developed by her extremely stressful life, which ended up being the only way to refrain my father from keep on having the same life style they both lived until her last days, going from place to place on work, business trips and so on. It was because of them that I moved ever so often. We had moved a little all over Europe, lived twice in the American continent and even spent quite a few months in the Southeast of Asia.

-Ok, you may know a couple of good guys, but a relationship would only keep me back from following my dreams and achieving what I want, you know what I aim for and having a guy with me, wanting me to stay around when I cannot, making me spend more time with him than with work and everything a relationship requires, would not be, right now, a good thing for me. –Right at that moment or perhaps ever. A life commitment to the fashion industry meant a life revolving around a work that takes up to sixteen hours of your day, sometimes even more, three hundred and sixty five days a year. It implies going from place to place, to travel constantly, to never be able to stay long enough to make someone happy and I was more than willing to take that chance. – Anyway, I do not need a man right now or any time in the near future, for other than a couple hours of course, but even in that situation I can clearly take care of things myself.

-Glad to hear that. –She laughed at me, winking and I rolled my eyes, giving out a smile. She was easy on making me laugh.

-Now, let’s work otherwise this conversation will not end any time soon. 

It was late by the time I left the office, night had already taken over the sky, but in the midst of October it was all but a natural thing. Angie told me to meet her at her place around nine, we would have dinner and then leave for a night out. It would be her and her girlfriend, me and some other work colleagues. For some reason I did not have the least disposition to go out in that night, I was tired and it was the Friday night of a very busy week, and the Friday night that preceded one of the busiest upcoming weeks in my schedule, still I could not say no to a night out, with a couple drinks, a good laugh and hopefully something to lay my eyes and hands on. I did not consider myself a nymphomaniac, neither did my psychologist, still I knew that it was not the most usual way to get a stress release, although many people used it, they just did not talk openly about it. For some reason, sex was never a real taboo in my life. I started having intercourse by the age of fifteen when my rebellious teenage -self realised that she needed something to put her anger into, and as I was not willing to do drugs or heavy metal, I, as many of my friends from those days, turned into boys, and more concretely into sex. It was a natural instinct and human need, something practiced by everyone, with a few exceptions, and it was a good way to get both pleasure and some exercise, not to mention how easy it was to let go of stress and other problems in just a few minutes.

My light headache was soon gone, even though it was a countersense as the bar had this loud music blasting in massive speakers. It was a new place and we had never been there, but Angie’s girl seemed to have a few contacts and got us in and I could already tell that the place was actually a good spot to find a few young stunning lads.

-Hey, earth calls Cat! – I heard Pattie shouting out and I turned back smiling while I grabbed my drink from the table as the waitress has just arrived to deliver them. I looked at Angie who gave me a quick nod with her head and I smiled, looking around the table. We were at the grand total of eleven woman, two in a lesbian couple, three in relationships, leaving six of us all free and willing to go dance and drink and flirt. Some of us were certainly looking for something more serious than the others, and I was at the far end of the “no commitment for me” road, and all I wanted was a fun time and maybe, just maybe, a good laugh. I liked going to their bed, but I also liked them to have some brains, it was as much attractive as a nice body, and dumb guys certainly turned me off. Even with my unusual habits I still had standards and morals, and I had a few rules I liked to follow along with, and it started by going only along with guys with no wives, girlfriends or similar. I was not a house wrecker, and I had a lot of respect for relationship vows even if I did not want for myself, I had only made that mistake once and I learnt with my errors, it was one of the most embarrassing and awful situations I could have gone through, but honestly I was lied to and manipulated, back in a time when I was still too naïve.

Thirty minutes later we were all at the dance floor, flowing to the sound of the music, laughing, having fun. Angie and Monica stood together, dancing like a slow music was on, although the upbeat made it all but a slow moment. By now Farrah was already on with some tall blonde hair muscle guy, who looked like a Ken and Action Man weird hybrid. All the other girls were dancing either with each other or with their eyes set on some kind of male prize. As for me, I danced alone, closing my eyes, letting out, trying to think of nothing but the sound of the music, and that was when I felt a grasp on my waist, something that I was not certainly used to, and turned very stunned to this dashing looking guy. He looked Nordic, certainly not the typical English guy, his skin was much fairer and less pink than the usual makes around, his hair was a nearly white shade of blonde and he had this sexy crocked smile. I smiled but pulled his hands away, he looked amazing but still I did not like the very intimate and such sudden feel of the touching and grabbing.

-Hi. – I said, as I kept on dancing, slower so we could actually talk.

-I am Hanson. –He smiled. –May I dance with you?- Yes, he really wasn’t English, though his accent was clear, I could notice an hint of Swedish or Norwegian.

-Well, you are already doing so. And, it is nice to meet you Hanson. – I smiled, and has he tried to grab again I took one step back. –Easy, tiger. You don’t want to scare a girl away, do you?

-No, but I thought you were really beautiful, if you let me say so.

-Please, do so. However, let me give you some advice, be more gentle, and smooth, there are girls like me to appreciate the subtle ways of a gentleman. –I laughed and he winked.-I am Alice, by the way. – For some unknown reason I just lied to the boy about my name, I usually did not do so, but something took over me.

-Like Alice in Wonderland?

-Depends on the wonder…-I said biting my lower lip and I could swear I saw him shivering, but he disguised it well with that bright sneer.

-I can take you there, to Wonderland.

-Would be my Mad Hatter? – I laughed and he nodded. ^

-I will even be the cat if you need me.

-Tickling me with your whiskers? No sir, I prefer a man in a hat.

-Anything you need.

-Though, your girlfriend might not like it. –I said, it was one of my ways to test men. Most of them would fall right away, others would eventually take a little more and understand the meaning of my tricks.

-No such thing. I just moved here recently and English woman do not seem to fancy me much. But I am a lonely soul…

-Looking for a warm bed at night? – I laughed. Great, no girlfriend, no attachments.

-Or something else warmer.

-Oh, I see. Maybe, I do not know, I think I can help you. I have very good references when it comes to help people get, well, warm. – I smirked and he pulled me closer. This time I did not mind and I let him do so. I was a little more confident and was letting him have his way, but not for long.

-Honestly, I do not even what to dance anymore. –I said cheekily as I walked away and knew that he came right after me. I looked back just once but it felt like he was a puppy with a leash and I was her rightful owner. I stopped just outside the bar, in a place where finally was emptied of any other people beside, well, us.  I turned to him as he leaned against a wall and I smiled taking a deep breath, he tilted his heads staring at me in a way that I knew to be nothing but good. I knew what he wanted, I knew what I wanted and I knew that soon I would get if, if I wanted to, but it was my call, not his, I was the one controlling the whole situation not him.

-So, what are we going to do now? - he said. I could see the hint of desperation in his eyes, he wanted it badly, but then again he was the kind of guy who was just as regular and plain as any other one, hormones jumping like crazy, he wanted to get me laid and that was exactly what I was trying to get, no more, no less.

-Depends on what you have in mind. I am sure I open receptive to different ideas.

-I thought I had been clear about my intention.

-Oh yes, you were, very much. 

It must have been around seven when I finally woke up in the next working, in a quite messy hotel roam, with clothes all over the place, a shirt even hanging gracefully from a chandelier. By my side the boy from last night, Hanson, the blonde Nordic, slept deeply and undisturbed. I did not stare long, it was not my usual thing, as I liked to get up, dress up and leave before they could actually wake up and do any sort of questions. With only a few exceptions, as I had some guys on a “list” of usual suspects, that was my way to do things. As I got up and gathered my clothes, a bit left all over the place I looked back at the bed and somehow I was just looking back at the whole last night and how unsatisfactory and boring it all seemed at that point. I was either sick, as the boy knew what he was doing when he got me down on that hotel bed or I was just getting tired of the usual same old thing. I took one deep breath, dressed up quickly, picked up my bag making sure I had everything with me and left silently closing the hotel door behind me. I was soon out of the hotel and aware of my surroundings, the underground stop wasn’t far and it only took me five minutes to quickly make my way through the nearly empty stinky stone steps on that Saturday morning. I took my Oyster card, passing on through the main gates and heading to line that headed home, silently and reaching for my phone. Even though it was short past 7:30am I knew that I would mostly likely have a few emails from companies and brands working in different time zones, not to mention I was anxiously waiting from a few mails back from the USA. I sat down on one of those waiting metal, almost too dirty to even touch it, benches on the line, waiting for the next transport that would be taking about ten minutes to arrive. It seemed that for some reason on that specific weekend when I was dying to get home and get a proper bath the underground decided to run slower than usual. I felt someone sitting by my side a couple minutes later but not even looked up to see who it could be, it was not like I noticed much of people around me, beside what they were wearing. Most of the times I would have some kind of music playing on my earphones, mostly loud so I could block the hearing of any kind of conversation I would like to avoid, as it was mostly certain that when you ran in an underground who is daily frequented by literally thousands of people, if not more, you will end up hearing something you do not want to. I ended up letting my phone slide on its way back into my purse, having no truly important emails to respond to, looking up and around, taking a glimpse of the guy sitting next to me. He smiled back, which was rather unusual, mostly on Saturday morning, especially so early. Most people would look at you with either an uninterested stare or just a grumpy look. People would not get up so early and take the tube on a Saturday morning for pleasure, only for need. I smiled but and looked away, but felt almost as compelled to look back and he was still sort of looking, so I smiled back and stared just a little longer as he looked right ahead of him. He had quite the pretty jaw, that was probably the first thing I noticed about him. He was far from being the most stunning face I had ever seen, but something about him was incredibly attractive, maybe the crocked nose and the little dimple on his right cheek when he smiled, but then I was not the kind of picks up their guys on the tube, on the way home, I did like some action but I was not desperate, not now, not ever. I looked back down at my hands, I knew it could look really impolite to look back at someone for so long, mostly when the two of us were nothing but complete strangers to each other. I ended up getting up, stretching my legs before taking a few steps and that was when I saw, through the corner of my eyes, an hand reaching out for me. I turned to look and saw the pretty jaw lad who sat next to me handling me a piece of paper, smiling, to which I looked a bit confused.

-I believe this fell from your purse. –He smiled and I took the paper, carefully and just letting it slip back into my pocket, smiling. –Are you not even going to see if it is yours?

-Oh, no, I mean, I am a little late already and the tube is just arriving. – I said nearly at the same time that we could hear not far on the rails the metal sound of the breaks.

-Right, none of my business. –He laughed lightly and got up, taking a couple steps, standing by my side and just looking to the rails as the tube approached promptly and stopped.

-Thank you. – I smiled, taking one last glimpse at the guy, who nodded and turned on his way into the tube, sliding his way among the line of people waiting to leave and enter, and I was soon doing the same, just through another door, losing sight of him.

I was soon back home, under the hot running water of the shower, closing my eyes and making no plans to enjoy my weekend other than working and preparing the busy week that I had planned.

One busy week had started, perhaps the busiest of those two months, and I was packed and ready to travel. Quite a few bags, required practically by my job followed me everywhere I would eventually go. Angie was not coming with me, I was travelling to Italy and this time around she seemed to have better plans back home than those of going with me, running every single day from meetings to shows, to meeting designers and haunting shops. I was on my own but perhaps it was just better in that way. Lately Angie had been nagging me about the fact that I needed to meet “decent” guys and maybe, just maybe, trying to have something as normal as everyone else, what she did not seem to understand was the fact that I was not everyone else, not like them and surely not wanting to be like them, at all or ever. I knew how society saw life, you are born, you grow up, and then you study, find a job, get a relationship, get kids, grow old and die, just to sum it up. For me the growing and studying was all done and then came the job and I stopped right there because that was my life long mission, my one true calling. I was good in what I did, I started as a journalism student and ended up working for a major fashion magazine, along with some more studying in the area, and once I knew what I wanted in life I had hold on to it making the most out of the opportunity to.  I knew that Angela was happy in her love life with Monica, but for me it was all about my work and how life and time consuming it was, and the simple fact that I had sex with different guys because it was both a way of relieving stress but also a natural human need that almost any everyone else, I could not repress. I guess that what mostly bothered me was the fact that it was totally fine for a guy to sleep with a lot of women, but for a woman to sleep with a lot of man it just seemed to be a call for attention, a cry for help or the work of a wench, but for me if meant nothing more than having a few hours of pleasure without the need to commit to someone and put at their disposal my rather precious time.  Honestly Italy gave me a good excuse to go a bit wild during my free nights, which were not many, without having to face the judgmental looks of Angie while she asked me how my previous night or day had been like and I told her nearly all the details of my, last call it, conquers. I knew that she was worried about me and the fact that sometimes I not even knew this guys, but I did my best to choose the ones I thought to be the best ones, the ones that would not cause me trouble, and so far, after so many years of this kind of deviant lifestyle, as she called it, I had never faced any kind of troubles, besides that one time that I would rather not be remembered about.  

I had finally left the airport in Italy, taking a cab to reach the centre of Rome, I would be spending a couple days there before catching a train to head north to Milan and one last stop in Venice before leaving back to London in the end of the week, without even having the chance to once more visit Florence, my favourite city in Italy, and one of my most loved places in the world. I had first been there when I was about six or seven. My mother had just been travelling to Italy to take care of some political affairs that I could no longer remember, leaving me and my father with plenty of time to go around without having to care to be home on time. We spent three days running the whole place, from museums to historical places, sipping coffee, and in my case caffellatte, decaf of course. It was perhaps the time when I was closest to my dad, but in all honesty until my mother’s death we were both quite close, as it was my mother’s job who took the most time away from her family, so most days it was just me and him, that when he did not have to work himself and I was either left alone with a guardian or left back in a private intern college, the kind of place where I spent most of my teenager years, turning me into a rebellious little fifteen years old self.