Untitled:

Cursed.

Rehearsed.

When was your first heartbreak?

Was it your father?

Your mother?

Was it death?

Was it a pet?

When you first saw violence?

When you stayed in silence?

Was it being in the closet?

Was it society?

How do I set the tone?

I’m alone.

Alone.

Alone.

I feel so

Alone.

Alone.

Alone.

Home.

I want a home.

Warm.

Where there is no fighting.

No screaming.

What happened to family?

Broken kid

Falls for broken kid.

Life works like that.

Shared trauma isn’t love.

But in this story…

In this story

it was.

We run from signs

sent from above.

We run from reality.

Love.

What is love?

Sex.

What is sex?

Is it just a fleeting emotion to make you feel blessed?

Stress.

How do kids comprehend stress?

What does it mean to be queer and a teen…

No guidance, no saving from what will be seen.

Sexual violence.

We see it everyday.

Do we escape?

How do we stop the cycle?

John.

My name is John.

You can call me Jack.

Like JFK.

Like my moms dad.

Tone.

Set.

Ready?

Go.

fifteen:

I was fifteen.
He was forty-two.
Fucked for the first time.
Didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to.
There goes my innocence.
Can’t turn back again.
Emotions I’d never felt before.
Didn’t know I was wrong.
Now I struggle to be pure.
I swore that he cared.
I wanted it, I loved it, never scared.
Didn’t know it was wrong but the secrets ate me alive
just like they do.
Suppressed.
Suppressed emotions.
Emotions turn to stress.
Depressed.
I was in lust but they say It was molest.
Depressed.
What they say is true.
Now I’m just depressed. 
I was fifteen.
He was forty-two.

History Class:

We met in history class.

I wish I could go back.

I would have passed.

Jayden became my best friend.

He sat behind me.

Tried to sell drugs to him.

We became inseparable.

I was infatuated with him.

He was in the closet.

Still dating girls.

But I knew what would happen.

I could see it in his curls.

His  hair was soft with a perfect s pattern.

Skin like coffee and eyes that made me dream.

If only you could hear him sing.

I fell in love.

He was an artist.

Every day in class I remember how I wished that time could last.

Just wanted to be with him.

Forever.

Just wanted to be with him.

Just wanted to be with him.

Forever.

undercover:

Our love is undercover

you are dating my friend.

She had hopes for you when.

Our love is undercover.

We fuck on my couch for the very first time.

I never had sex with someone I was in love with before.

This is crazy

it’s wild

I need more.

Our love is undercover.

You tell me keep it secret.

Protected, you’re  my lover.

How deep can we go?

I feel you in my soul.

Our love is undercover.

You tell me about the pain you’re in.

We’ve seen the same things since we were kids.

Dads on drugs, family isn’t the same.

Our love was rooted in that name.

We lost our innocence the same exact way.

You tell me about how you do it for pay.

I'll keep your secret safe where we lay.

Our love is undercover.

To the world you are my best friend.

Inside the walls of the bed room you are my mine.

Undercover, underage, under stress, underpaid.

Your love was the start.

I prayed, “Jayden, please don’t break my heart.”

exstrange:

I brought Jayden to his house.
I don’t know why.
But I did.
I showed him the man I first had sex with.
It had been a few years and he had gotten older.
It was a moment of understanding.
A moment of clarity.
Why I am who I am.
The love of my life sitting next to my abuser.
I stared at both of them.
Are they both my abusers? 
The following night Jayden did the same.
The guy he used to fuck.
His man was white.
Mine was black.
Are these men us years into the future?
Alone, drunk, buying love, having sex with young?
I hope not.
He talked about his kids.
His ex wife and the military.
Mine was in the navy.
The parallels kept seeming to draw.
He bought us beer.
We took it back to our friends.
If only they knew who we really were.
What would they think? 
But now I know why Jayden is Jayden and he knows why I am me.
The exchange. 
We shared our scars.
Bonded our hearts. 
And we still loved just the same.
We loved each other.
More than we loved cocaine.
What does it mean to be seventeen?

monologue #1:

There was a night back when we first got together, I don’t remember the date but it was cold. Maybe fall or winter? In Jersey, the sky would be so gray during the cold months, relating my sadness to the color of the air. Jayden and I had posted an ad on Craigslist offering ourselves for a lot less than we should have. But we were seventeen so we didn’t exactly have full clarity of our surroundings. He told me he was used to this and had been doing it for a while so I listened. I was so in love, so infatuated with him, he probably could have convinced me to walk off a cliff... in hindsight he kind of did. So we posted our ad, a two for one deal one top and one bottom we knew it would sell. We got a lot of responses, our phones blew up quick. All kinds of ugly old men sending us pictures of their dicks promising us money and whatever we wanted. One was ready for us right away so we showered got dressed and jumped in the car. I was nervous, literally scared shitless. What the fuck is happening? But I would just keep looking over to his eyes and he promised me that everything was going to be fine. He promised that everything was going to be okay because he loved me and knew that I would stay. Because my self worth was dependent on his validation. This guys house wasn’t far from where we lived and when he opened the door he quickly made us rush in. He introduced himself, I forget his name but damn was he ugly I couldn’t believe I was about to do this. The three of us got in bed together he started sucking my boyfriends dick and I started sucking his and I remember looking up into Jayden’s eyes and he could tell exactly how I felt. He knew this wasn’t what I wanted to do but we kept going. Collected the cash and we left. We got in the car and he told me “I can’t believe how sad you looked” .... I’ll never forget him saying that. Like I was supposed to be happy? This wasn’t love but it was the only thing I had that was close enough. I didn’t wanna cry, I pushed it down and kept my tears inside. 
I’ll never forget that night because it was the first time. When I look back that image just plays in my mind I wish I could forget. I think after that alcohol became my best friend. Anything to make me forget did.

booked:

Desensitized,
detached from what I used to be
now this is a thing.
We are sex workers.
Prostitutes.
Underage
suppressed.
kept away
My boyfriend calls it “booked”.
When we find a client,
a man we can fuck.
He makes it seem fun.
We spend the morning online.
There’s usually arguing.
Crying.
“Why can’t we live regular lives?”
Slamming the door.
Slamming windows.
Wishing death upon each other.
Then we get the “book” 
The email comes in.
We get the address and go.
In the car we always rehearse different stories.
Make up lives of where we are from and who we are.
Never use our real names.
He holds my hand while I drive.
Tells me he loves me.
His puppy dog eyes are deep like the night, he’s so handsome so perfect, his smile keeps me alive.
Some clients want to watch us fuck.
Some want to fuck me.
Some wanted to be fucked by him.
Do all these men know we are just kids? 
We get to a house in a very nice place.
Town homes that Eagles players live in, the lawns are perfect and the cars are new.
He made us watch movies.
Ones from his own childhood.
I think it was Chevy Chase, the Christmas one.
Upstairs we go in the bed.
A full threesome.
We do everything and more.
We take our cash.
He locks the door.
There was something strange.
So we promise not to see him again.
We never go solo.
That’s the rule.
Then one night a few days later, Jayden comes home after being with “friends”.
We fuck for a while then he tells me the truth.
“I just fucked that book for some cash and a bottle” 
He lied.
We drank the whiskey.
I cried.
He broke the rule.
And then fucked me right after.
This was my happy ever after? 
I drank the booze that was earned by deception.
When I swallowed the shot I also swallowed my self esteem.
I wanted to scream.
I wanted to leave.
But I just wanted Jayden to love me.

dirty shoes:

The solo rule had been broken.
Now all I can ask for is honesty and to be informed at least.
Jayden has a book in Center City.
Philly.
We both wanted Doc Martens.
This man would get them for us.
I park my car.
I sneak into a bar.
I drink.
I drink for hours,
by myself while he does what he has to do.
Finally he comes back.
He gets served too.
We drink.
We get very drunk.
Beer.
Shots.
Shots.
Beer.
I hold him tight and kiss his face.
Showing off my man to everyone in the room.
I’m proud to be his.
I’m proud of the looks that they give.
We look like the perfect all American gay couple.
But we’re only teens.
We’ve seen more than half the people in this bar have seen.
We open up the shoes.
The smell is so brand new.
Then we leave.
We promised my younger sister we would sneak her to the dance.
She was grounded.
We got her there.
Drunk and sad as I was, my family is number one.
She looks at us like we’re the sun.
My family has no idea who we are at this point.
Our secretes still safe.
In public we look great. 
Thought he was gonna hit me that night cuz I wanted to stay in.
He screamed and threw a fit.
Left me to sleep alone.
God knows where he would go.
But we got the shoes.

my first solo:

Picked up down the street.
I walked in the cold, the trees were bare.
I had never been in a Range Rover before.
Lights pass me again and again I’m waiting for one to pull over.
Finally it’s him.
I get in.
His name is Terry.
“How are you, here warm up I’ll turn the seat heaters on,” he tells me.
The heat gets warm and I put my belt on.
“Everything is custom in here I just got this model.” He turns on the touch screen for me to play music.
I found Rihanna thank goodness.
We drive and we talk about the rules.
We were going to a nice restaurant in town and had a hotel booked down the street for after.
This was so much more legit than sucking dick for shoes with my boyfriend.
“If anyone sees us eating and says hello to me just go along with me when I say you are my nephew okay?”
“No problem” I say.
“I’m good at playing this game” I smile and grab his leg.
My skills are just as good as the adults that do it. I feel sexy, powerful, and wanted.
The interior of the rover was a custom Orange.
I keep my hand on his thigh feeling him get hard makes me feel in control.
We eat fancy steaks.
My parents can’t afford this place.
He was right.
People did approach the table.
He is well known.
I smile and introduce myself as his nephew.
“We were just getting ready to leave” he says to his friends.
Heading back to the hotel, he tells me he owns over 50 places nicer than that.
Has a jet for his Miami home that his wife and kids love.
Checking in to the room I start to get looks from the employees.
They have to know.
I feel like my cover is blown.
Key card swipes, we’re in.
His cock was fat just like his gut.
He was maybe in his fifties but still looked good.
It felt good to get fucked.
Just closed my eyes, pretended it was Jayden.
We played in the shower where he demanded his nipples to be sucked on.
Two hours later in the in the mess of the bed he finally cums all over my chest.
We take a shot together, I think it was crown?
Hands me a fat stack of cash.
Had never seen a thousand dollars like that.
Drives me back.
Back down the street, after all I can’t be seen.
I walk back home.
The next morning I wake up my friends.
We all head to Manhattan for the day.
I buy a bunch of cocaine.
Jayden and I lock ourselves away in the bathroom of a place ironically named “Jacks Place”
We ravish in love, we indulge in drugs.
I see the smiles on my friends faces under the neon lights of a city that always stays alive.
Kids that thought we were grown.
Just kids wandering home.
Thanks Terry
we had fun.

Health Class:

American education.

We already know how that goes.

But health class

that felt cold.

They make it seem like only gay men get HIV…

We watch films about it.

I think it might be me.

They don’t tell us where to get tested.

So I just convince myself that because I’m gay, I have it.

Anxiety.

Anxiety.

I really think that I’m dying.

Afraid to get tested.

So I just hope for the best.

What can end it?

Coach:

How did I end up here?

Home of the rival school  football teams coach?

He’s on the couch.

Legs open.

I’m on the ground.

Open mouth.

He’s low key hot.

Wants me to call him Dad.

These men have issues.

We start to fuck.

Then he instantly nuts.

That was easy

Now I can go home.

Made enough to get bottles for a party in Township.

Maybe some drugs, maybe I’ll have fun.

Coach hands me cash and slaps my ass.

I have to laugh just a lil.

Cuz I grew up playing football and this guy is a sicko.

Wonder if the kids know

their coach just bought my ass?

What does he tell them when they drill on the grass?

Again.

I have to laugh.

heroin dick:

My friend like a boy

boy was obviously gay.

We we driving home from the beach,

“Can you pull over I have to pee?” He says.

She stops near a park, it’s kind of dark so I tell him I’ll go with.

Alone.

We’re alone by a bridge in the woods.

He pulls his dick out and tells me to get down.

Well…

After ten minutes of sucking softness he tells me he’s addicted to heroin.

“This always happens.” He says.

Ew.

What a waste of giving head.

Now my friends gonna be mad

and it wasn’t even worth it.

At least I have J.

His works just fine.

Even when he’s high on lines.

Heroin is just nasty.

Don’t @ me.

Football:

There was an athlete in the apartment complex,

we fucked.

Creative director of a fashion label picks me up in his car,

we fucked.

In Lindenwold he lives alone,

we fucked.

In your brand new G Wagon,

we fucked.

Tied up in Manhattan,

we fucked.

My best friends boyfriend,

we fucked.

Outside of the parts store,

we fucked.

The doctor running from his wife,

we fucked.

The tattoo artist with the shop closed,

we fucked.

In the woods by the park,

we fucked.

Police officer,

we fucked.

Bent over top your car,

we fucked.

Outside Dunkin,

we fucked.

At your shore house while your family was at D*sney,

we fucked.

At the casino and you forget to pay me,

we fucked.

… Body count?

I’m counting down

Collingswood:

In the small town of Collingswood, New Jersey, lived a single, muscular man in his 40s.

He wasn’t ugly, wasn’t exactly beautiful.

He had a big old dick that made him feel youthful.

In the corner he would sit

Jayden and I up on his bed.

Jacking off to me getting fucked.

I even gave him head.

I don’t feel dirty here.

He was respectful.

Walked us out to the car.

Always had the cash ready to depart.

Maybe he was wrong tho?

Is it illegal to watch to teens fuck in your bed?

What about paying them?

Kids gotta make their bread?

Wasn’t so wrong, it still had to end.

news agency:

High on E

leave the party.

Walk down the road.

Ain’t got no clothes.

This girl

says she knows a place

where you can get dick

stay open late

we walk

down the road

the road we go

news agency

it says on the sign

she takes me inside

on a table someone is getting fucked

men stand around and jack off.

In booths

they are sucking dick.

Everyone is ugly

and not getting paid?

This is lame

Who fucks these people?

For free?

I don’t see anyone for me.

Well

I guess one.

He will do.

We fuck in another room.

Back to the party.

She says

“Tell nobody.”

She got gang fucked

looked a lil' fun.

Play a game.

Let’s run!

Bieber:

I get in the car.
Ironically parked near where I went to elementary.
This book has a request.
I have to pretend I’m Justin Bieber.
I go down on him.
He screams out “Fuck Yeah, Justin you like daddy’s cock” 
He’s getting his life.
I’m trying not to laugh.
Then I go to touch his body.
His arm is made of plastic.
Never felt that.
He bangs his prosthetic arm against my head.
Screaming,  Justin over and over again.
He cums.
I’m relieved.
I take my cash and I leave.
Never again do I wanna hear that song “Baby”.
But pretending to be someone else is fun?
So maybe?
Who else could I be?
Who else could I become?
Fun. 

Jayden 2:

He’s screaming in my ear and I don’t know why.
I wish I could but I’ve forgotten how to cry.
I want to die.
I start driving on the other side of the road.
295.
I tell him we both can die.
My thoughts of suicide come to the front.
He calms down.
Tells me he doesn’t mean it.
That he can’t control it.
He wants me to take him to a book.
He needs the attention more than the cash.
He needs to feel worth it.
Those men make him feel something.
He won’t quit.
All I want is for us to quit.
We aren’t ourselves anymore.
He says he loves me.
He is just like his father.
I’m scared for what’s next.
Am I already this depressed?
I have no goals.
My life is this.
I want happiness.
Jayden leaves with a kiss.

untitled:

Am I in love?
I’m just a kid.
Am I in love?
Why would I let a man do this?
I’ve dropped out of school.
I can’t focus.
I feel awful all the time.
He’s not there for me the way he should be.
But we are in love.
Maybe I just didn’t get enough.
The glue of my family dissolved
either dead or just gone.
There is a war going on both inside and out
my brain has started to create a fantasy as it’s only way out.
What do I want from life?
How do I get it?
How do I make what I see in my visions?

The Girl In The Woods:

Doing cocaine.

Downed a bottle of vodka.

We drive down to the shore, our friend is staying with this girl down there.

She has her own place.

Alone in the woods of a small beach town.

They’ve been living together for a little bit of time now.

Seems like a den of drugs and sex.

We throw a party there.

People get undressed.

In her room, It's just us and my boyfriend.

She starts to do heroin.

I pass up on that one.

She starts to break down a little and tears fill her eyes.

Her and my friend have been living a lie.

She tells me about the clients they fuck.

I think to myself, they’re just like us.

Down here alone, they host all their men.

She fucks them and he bottoms for them too.

She had a pretty big dick and a collection of unwashed wigs scatter the room.

They’re operating to get high.

Jayden and I just to survive.

We bond here.

We share our stories together and for the first time the secret is out.

I can be myself, they know what we’re about.

We do some lines of coke she offers more of her dope.

I think humans are all so much more connected than we think.

We share our stories, we grow and we learn.

No one has the answers.

The world just breathes and turns.

Why am I here?

Why?

What is my biggest fear?

Jakk Maddox:

I’m losing myself.
I’ve changed.
But I’m finding myself?
I could be something great.
What if I changed my name.
What if I could hide the truth?
No suffering just youth.
Fantasy.
A living art piece.
I could articulate every word that I say.
I could hide from the pain that Jayden gives and takes.
I could hide from the pain of my family.
I could hide from all the sadness.
I could hide from the reality.
Platinum hair
cheekbones,
it’s vanity.
I want to express myself with my body.
Imagery.
I want to create art that shares my story.
It’s poetry.
He’s stronger than me
for I feel weak.
He’s not insecure like me.
He’s tough and he doesn’t give a fuck.
Fashion.
I can turn my obsession with fashion into life.
I can escape this.
I know I can.
I don’t have to be what they want me to be.
I’m not a teenage whore.
I know I was made for more.
Fantasy.
I want my life to be the fantasy.
Fuck this reality.
I want to be model thin.
I want people to think that I’m sick.
I want everything I’ve never had.
Please God, I’m so over being sad.
Today we give birth.
Jakk Maddox is who I am now.
I hope I can make him proud.

end scene:

How does a man who loves you look you in the eye and tell         you everything is going to be fine?

How does he do this when all he does is lie?

Built my existence around the idea of you.

I have dreams of us being like every other great couple.

You want to be a musician and I want to be a model.

You are my inspiration but you treat me like I should be wasted.

I’ve never been so confused.

I’m hurt by everything you do.

My first love.

My true love.

Ripped my heart out my chest and turned me into someone else.

Why me?

I didn’t deserve to be treated this way.

Manipulation and control.

My entire soul you own.

Sex and it’s wrong.

Why does this still go on?

Jayden just tell me you hate me.

It would make more sense than what this is.

Why do you do this?

Why?

doses and mimosas:

It’s 6 am.

Staying at a hotel in center city.

The boys just got back from Camden with more blow.

New Year’s Eve.

I take acid in the bathroom.

We drink the free orange juice.

All of the sudden I’m in bed all day.

I’m wondering where is my boyfriend.

Where is Jayden.

Our lives are still a secret.

But it’s NYE, I want the kiss, to believe it.

He finally shows up right before we head out.

The room empty’s.

We kiss and walk out.

No one saw.

Secret is safe.

My boyfriend

says he loves me.

But that’s not what he shows me.

The drugs blocked my vision.

We got to the venue so I did some molly.

I'm trying to regulate my body.

Our favorite band.

Favorite place.

It almost feels right.

I almost feel safe.

Over:

Jayden told me he’s no longer attracted to me.
He left.
In the middle of the night.
That’s it.
I never want to think of him again.
It’s over
I can focus
I can be me.

Karma:

Upset.
I was upset.
Now I regret...
Next.
What happened next?
I called his ex.
My old friend too.
I told her everything.
She said she knew.
She said that he was manipulative too.
Every detail.
I gave away.
She outed him the very next day.
Regret.
I can’t forgive myself for something like that.
What happened, it happened.
But Jayden didn’t deserve what she did.
He wouldn’t have been chased down  the school hallway by her screaming “YOU’RE GAY” if I never gave our secret away.
Regret.
I know we’ll never speak again.

new again:

Maybe I could start new again?

Let me introduce myself again.

I feel empty without him.

Not a soul on earth knows what has happened.

I lie to my family.

I lie to my friends.

I’m embarrassed and I’m ashamed.

I let someone take my name.

I feel robbed of my youth.

Drugs and old men.

Does it get better? When?

I wanted the great love story.

I wanted to be with Jayden for the rest of my life.

High school romance that turned into something right.

Forever and ever right by my side.

I wanted to defy the odds.

My parents split young.

Moms on husband number three.

Dad is nowhere to be seen.

I didn’t want to be like them.

But turns out I’m exactly like them.

Into the same trap.

I guess it’s just family history.

Can’t run from you who you were born to be.

back to back:

Got fucked by two different guys back to back.

I’m sad.

I don’t know what to do.

I’m trying my best to focus on what I want and what I need.

I want Jayden.

I want a happy life.

I want a cool summer breeze.

Instead I’ll call another fuck.

I don’t know what else to do.

Highway Motel:

Near the abandoned movie theater.

Atco

there’s a motel.

He leaves the door open for me.

Upstairs.

This place is disgusting.

The bed, you can see the springs.

I just want the money.

Fattest man I’ve ever been with.

On top of me, I feel my organs start to crush.

The opposite of that feel good rush.

Trying to get the image out of my mind.

Something is burning and it just ain’t right.

Finally I go the the clinic for my very first test.

I’ve been worried I’ve been positive since high school.

They tell me I’m not.

But,
     a few days later..

Chlamydia.

My mind over reacts.

But it’s just a shot in the back.

Don’t wanna go through that again.

I’m not afraid now to get tested.

Every 3 months I’ll be there.

I lied on the form that said if I get paid for sex.

That’s my business.

That’s what’s best.

pure:

How do I explain this to the next?

How do I keep this secret in?

Is there life after this?

Sex

I know it as a business.

Sex

I need it for my self esteem.

Sex

I’m burned out

about to turn 19.

Orange:

A lil' orange pill.

Yes

I feel my best.

30XR

Feel it in my heart.

Focused.

Thin

thin

thin.

I don’t need to eat.

Just have a shake.

But now I start to shake?

Orange.

Orange pill.

It’s me and you.

Against the world.

Transylvania:

I think I met someone new.

He’s not like Jayden.

He is kind, soft spoken and listens.

I’m assisting to be a hairstylist.

I started taking Adderall every day.

I feel thin.

I feel beautiful and in control.

I’m not addicted.

Getting my shit together.

This boy shows me his heart.

We fuck on the beach for the first time.

He’s so gentle in every sense.

I wonder if I could stay with someone like him.

He doesn’t know about the life that I’ve lived.

He doesn’t know about Jayden, the drugs, the control, the sex.

He sees me for my actual soul.

I don’t think I need to give away all the details.

We have fun together.

It’s simple and it’s joyful.

All the darkness just seems to fade.

Could it be?

A happy ending for me?

Take Him With Me:

He takes me out to Center City

a romantic truly, truly.

We have drinks and we laugh hold hands.

My phone rings, it’s a client again.

Fuck,

he’s gonna have to know.

I haven’t quit tricking

it’s like a drug and it keeps winning.

This time I answer the call.

“Who was that?” He asks.

“I’m going to be honest with you, I have sex for cash.”

“But this guy just wants me to beat him, it’s 2,000 just to whip. You in?”

“Excuse me?” He looks at me in shock.

“Listen I can explain more on the way but you should just come with me, we can split the money”

We got up and left.

He decided to come with.

Hand in hand.

Was having flashbacks of being with Jayden again.

History repeats.

The antagonist is now me.

We make out on top of him

he’s so hot and has such a big dick.

Our client is beneath us

he’s fitting right in.

We beat the shit out of him.

What have I done?

Fuck.

It was hot.

I’m turned on.

Got my first Versace jacket with that pay.

We even went to Six Flags the next day.

I’m glad he doesn’t hate me.

I hope this road doesn’t turn dark.

I really hope I don’t break his heart.

Locust Street:

In a high rise up on Locust Street.

I have my new regular Saturday adventure.

I just have to lay there and get my ass ate for an hour.

Not the hardest way to make 500?

Paying for my pills trying to stay thin.

Trying to save up for a new place.

I’d love to live in LA.

I go to his building now once a week.

He’s ugly.

But ass, he can eat.

Mauricio:

I had spent the afternoon trying to pick up clients in the park.

Wasn’t having much luck and it soon would would be dark,

I go to the bar alone.

I’m just 19, but getting served is nothing new.

A stranger next to me is buying me drinks.

One after another until I couldn’t really see.

Then I wake up.

In a house I had never seen, with a man laying next to me;

 I don’t remember meeting.

“Don’t worry” he says, “we didn’t have sex.”

“You were blacked out, I don’t know what happened to you but you took all your clothes off and they kicked you out. I didn’t wanna see something bad happen to you so I took you home and got you in bed. You are very beautiful, by the way, but I didn’t wanna have sex with you in that state- that’s just wrong. So let me introduce myself again, since you probably don’t remember. I’m Mauricio.”  He says.

He is so handsome, probably like ten years older than me but his smile was electric and I felt safe cuddled next to him.

I lean in to kiss him and we make out all morning and played in bed till I told him I had to go. I desperately needed a shower and a change of clothes.

“Come back over tonight I’ll take you out again. I promise this time nothing bad will happen.” He says.

“I’ll be back, I promise.” I respond.

I take the train home and get myself together.

This may have been my first hangover, ever.

I was really in shock about the man I had just met, he had saved me from what could have been a mess and he kept me protected, he’s the one that I should be with.

He knows what the meaning of respect is.

We go out again, he gets me into all the bars.

Another night at his house expect this time I remember.

Now we can share all of our scars.

night two:

Nothing is ever what it seems.

“Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see”

That’s what my mother told me.

Mauricio shows me the world of fun.

Being out with him I feel like number one.

Laid up in his bed while my hand stays on his chest, he tells me “I’m an escort professionally.” He says.

“The real reason I don’t want to fuck you is because I like you and I am HIV positive.” He adds.

I couldn’t pretend to even be shocked about him being an escort.

 He had a nice car and didn’t seem to have a job. I thought to myself- is this what you want? How can I not escape this life? Do I tell him I do the same? Why does this thing chase me? What does sex really want from me?

“How long have you been positive?” I ask.

“A few years now, I’m healthy and all that but I just want to breed the shit out of you and I can’t do that because of this. You are beautiful and all I want is to fuck you”

“We could use protection, I understand the risks and I’m grateful you are being honest.”

I really did have my heart set on him.

He was the typical South Philly Italian, so handsome and had a toughness that made me feel safe.

We talked about it all that night I told him my whole story. Still we didn’t fuck.

He drove me home.

While I was asleep he invited another guy over to suck his dick because he still didn’t wanna touch me like that.

But he was okay doing it to strangers?

He had respect for me, but not for them.

I was falling for this man.

But that’s just  God’s plan.

Glass:

Hidden in the town of Medford lakes.

A glass house and a man that bakes

I go over and he makes us drinks.

We walk around the giant house.

Windows so high, fine art on every shelf.

This isn’t like a normal book.

This man wants to date me.

“You could have all this, if you stay with me.” He says.

His house is huge tucked away behind a forest of trees down a winding road and he lives there alone.

A TV screen so big you can see it from the open kitchen that could provide for an army.

Upstairs there is so many bedrooms.

He lays me down in the one to fuck soon.

I spend all night with him.

He’s maybe 40 and half attractive.

Has a thick dick and a receding hairline,

holds me all night promising that life will be fine.

In the morning he makes breakfast, I have work soon and I have to go.

“Please come back tonight, I want to treat you right.” He says.

After work I come back just as planned.

We drink, we eat, we cuddle again.

Then my phone rings.

It’s Jayden.

I don’t answer.

But I leave.

Hyperventilating I drive to my sisters and she makes me me a drink.

Somehow he manages to ruin everything.

Just ran out his house like a crazy person.

No explanation just “I have to go”

Now I lose out on the view of the snow, the windows, the kitchen, I don’t get any of it, cuz I had memories of him.

Memories.

I want to erase.

I just want to feel safe….

June 27, 2015:

An ordinary day.

Just like the rest.

Woke up for myself together.

Got dressed.

Made my way to the salon where I had my job.

I take my pills on the way.

I like when they kick in as the music plays.

We are flowing and working having a great time.

News breaks from a client, gay marriage is legalized.

I want to cry, it feels so good to be recognized.

My boss who I assist is like a role model to me.

An older gay man who has seen everything.

Leaving work I call my friends, I know they’ll wanna go out.

We gotta celebrate, history has been made.

The lines are all long to get in the clubs.

Streets covered in people just start to flood.

I see Mauricio and his friends so we go follow them.

I meet a girl named Tina for the first time.

If you don’t know her, good for you.

A line of meth hurts the nose more than coke.

But fuck it makes you alive.

Mauricio ends up leaving me with his friends.

He went to go make money again.

My mind is scattered from the drug.

Shots.

Shots on shots.

His friends start to feel me up.

I get a ride home from them, I was too drunk 2 function.

I felt like one of them even gave me something.

This was more than speed?

I don’t remember getting to my house.

But I remember waking up with a dick in me.

This grown man triple my size, I thought I was safe.

Everything was a lie.

He didn’t take me home to be nice.

He took me home to take what he wanted.

In the haze I was in I couldn’t even stop it.

What the fuck was happening.

Why is this man on top of me.

In my house.

In my room.

What am I supposed to?

I get out from under and lock myself in the other room.

I stay there till the sun comes up.

I still don’t know what to do.

I finally hear him walk himself out.

I was terrified.

No longer could I move.

Spent the next three days getting high and writing poetry.

Locked myself away and wrote and wrote away.

Only left the room to get pizza or cigarettes.

More months go past and I finally realize what had happened.

My brain protected me, hid it in the back of my mind.

I had been assaulted in my own home.

Men can’t be raped?

That’s what they say.

This doesn’t happen to men, we can stick up for ourselves right?

Men enjoy sex?

I get paid for sex?

I lost my virginity by being molested.

How the fuck does this even happen?

June 27 is Jayden's birthday.

June 27 is the day I felt robbed of my pride.

Over and over again my head screams at me.

You deserved this just look at your life.

I’ve lost it.

What do I even write?

I have nothing.

I can’t cry anymore.

I want to be something.

I know I can be something more.

Survival mode.

It’s all I’ve ever known….

Nice Boy:

The nice boy told me he met someone else.

My feelings are hurt but I’ve moved on too?

Still.

It’s different when it’s you.

Didn’t even realize how much I liked him util he said that.

Now he’s out there tricking on his own I hear.

I feel bad.

I did that.

Now I’m full of fear.

95:

I’ve written two versions of this poem.

One I wrote exactly when it happened.

The other a few years after.

(A friend asked me for a ride from the airport, she was with Jayden)

It goes, cruising down 95 so fast I think I might be sick.

I look myself in the review over and over.

Do I look okay?

Am I over done?

I’ve lost a lot weight, my hair platinum blonde.

I haven’t seen you in months.

You broke up with me.

Said you wanted nothing to do with me.

I pull up at the arrivals at PHL.

Hearts racing, forehead sweat, hands shaking.

I’m really about to see you.

How am I still in love with you?

After everything you put me through?

Maybe we are soul mates.

Sometimes I believe that true love only happens once.

I hear my car doors open.

It’s you.

Sitting in the back of my car.

I turn around and smile and your face breaks my heart.

I know that I am in love with you still, and I will never be with you again.

Making sure I drop you off first and you still asked if I wanted to come in..

I go home.

I write this down in my bed.

Walking down another dead end street, still searching for your face in everyone I meet. Got everything I thought I was looking for, but it’s never enough. I still want more.

I don’t think that I’ll be fine.

I can’t be alone if you're alive.

And do you ever think of me?

Late at night when you can not sleep?

I know I have.

I know I have.

About 100 times…

reclaiming:

I got a job go-going. If I’m gonna be presented like they talk about me, I’m gonna be the one in control.

I think about June 27th.

Now I can escape that pain, cuz here I have security.

That kind of thing can’t happen to me.

I’m in control of who can touch me.

I'm taking control of who can fuck me.

You wanna see the things that I’ve seen?

Just keep on reading.

Keep on dreaming.

To the clients and johns I am  Justin.

That’s the name of the man who took my dignity.

That’s the man who assaulted me.

I take that name and I turn it for trade.

Justin Riley is my saving grace.

Another alter ego in this personality phase.

fuck me:

They all want to fuck me and no one wants to love me.

Giving myself away, they promise to me they’ll stay.

My heart continues to break without Jayden

 I don’t think that I’ll make it and I can’t even fake it.

My heart is in pain and shit it needs saving.

I give myself away.

Sex can be so great.

Self esteem to me?

How many guys want to fuck me?

Don’t know what self love is.

I’m spiraling.

I take pills all day.

Drink a bottle of vodka on my way to work.

Know one knows.

How can no one know?

I keep it down.

Too beautiful for that to be found

I keep it down.

I miss my boyfriend.

He was my best friend.

Other guys run when I tell them about my life.

They all leave eventually.

Just like my dad.

Just like my boyfriend.

Just like my self esteem.

Gone with the wind.

Gone.

I’m fucking gone.

I think about dying and I’ve lost the ability to cry.

I want to cry.

Please, I want to cry.

dreams:

I have dreams that go beyond where I am.

I wanna be a model one day.

I wanna live in LA.

I want Jayden by my side, I wanna be the rock star wife.

I see a vision of us together in the end.

It will happen.

My dreams always come to fruition.

Speak into existence exactly what you want

and get it.

May:

It was in May? I don’t remember the day.

Life had seemed calm.

I didn’t have any men.

I wasn’t tricking, was busy working at the salon.

Working my weekend job.

For once I felt...In control?

Maybe I have a shot at something normal here.

Came home from getting take out at my favorite Mexican food place down the way.

Turned the TV on, I was ready to relax.

Suddenly a fight starts to happen between my mom's husband and I.

This isn’t the first time, he has never been the nicest guy.

It escalated quickly.

Suddenly I’m in the kitchen and he tells me, “Faggot you're going to die of AIDS sucking all that ni**er dick”

I cried, I screamed back, I didn’t know what to do.

This man has done this to me before, last time was actually on Christmas Eve.

Mortified, I can’t contain my crying.

Why can I only cry when people make me mad?

I wish that I could cry when I was sad.

I run upstairs and hide in my bedroom.

I made a decision to pack up my shit.

I had no money.

But I wasn’t gonna stay.

Terrified of what could happen to Mom, they had their own history.

Guess that’s how I fell into my trap?

You do what you know, live what you’ve seen.

I don’t know how she does it.

She survives and does what she has to do.

Human, flawed, nothing new.

I left in the middle of the night.

Moved in with some guys at a house down the road, the nicest straight guys I had ever known.

Stayed there for the month while I processed and planned my life.

Had to figure out my next move.

I’m gonna make it, I told myself.

I needed to focus on my styling career, dreams of modeling   take a back seat.

Got a place in Chinatown at 9th and Arch.

Moved in with a boy I worked at the club with.

He was a friend, he understood, he got it.

For that first month of June, I felt at home.

I felt brand new.

A happier day was on the horizon I could feel it in my bones.

In the city where I belonged.

Sleeping With The Enemy:

We started texting a few days back, Jayden's sworn enemy, he sold crack.

I flirt  and decided to play the game.

If he wouldn’t love me I’d give this one brain.

Picked up outside in his BMW, skin dark and eyes big, always had a line ready for me.

Dangerous and toxic was all I ever heard.

But so was Jayden, what did that even mean?

In the club I start rolling on E, drink after drink, I want him all over me.

Sleeping with the enemy.

All I want is for Jayden to see.

This is my bat signal to get his attention.

We fuck all night at my new apartment.

In the shower, in the kitchen, in the bedroom we stay awake till noon.

Something this bad never felt so good.

Want to keep him inside me just to prove I could.

I always said if you hit it raw it’s cuz I loved you.

This was the first time that wasn’t true.

Is this my assent to the darkness?

The light blew out long ago.

Maybe I am the one who lost control.

Whatever.

Another pawn played in the game.

He’ll end up hating me once he knows I used his name.

Whatever it takes to get back to Jayden.

Pretty Woman:

That movie was a lie, I’m not some distressed hooker waiting for a client to save me.

That’s real right? The fantasy of a man getting the damsel in distress. Bullshit. I call bullshit.

This man finds my ad online and I get the usual email with a description and some pics.

Says he is here visiting from LA and would love to spend the night with me.

The night? Does he know how much an overnight costs? I haven’t done it before but I respond as fast as I possibly can because the rent is due, fuck, the rent is due.

He’s staying at The Rittenhouse, I’m gonna meet him there at 7pm. He wants to have sex first then dinner and drinks. Still not even twenty-one, but bars just serve me like I’m older than some. I get ready to empty out and shower; making myself smell good to be fucked like a flower. I dress in a way I usually don’t, something cleaner and classier. What if I choke? I start my walk, it isn’t far from me and I just hope and pray everything goes smoothly.

The lobby is beautiful and I make my way to the top floor where I know this man is waiting to fuck me like a whore… well I am a whore technically. He opens the door and I’m shocked how hot he really is. Undressing right away pins me up, in the shower and he kisses me like he loves me. I’m feeling this, I’ve never enjoyed sex with a client. In bed he keeps fucking me and just as I’m about to cum somehow I’m getting fucked and my dick sucked… power move sir, power move.

Holding hands in the park he tells me all about his life as a producer and how boys that look like me should stay away from the city. He says we end up washed up and used by every false promise in town. “Don’t lose that sparkle you have, they’ll tear you down” he says.  I’m completely infatuated with this man, drinking and dancing still hand in hand.

“Show me the way out of here, I want to eat at a real Philly diner.” He says in my ear of a jazz club on Sansom. I wave down a cab, we go to Oregon Ave, the best diner still open this late.

He’s in culture shock by our attitude on the east, keeps saying how real and honest I make him feel.

I tell him my dreams in life that I want so bad.

That’s when he grabs my hand again and tells me not to follow them. “Use your head instead, show the world the side of you that you show me. You’re more than beauty. You have everything.” He says while looking deep in my eyes, “I don’t ever want to see you strung out like all of these guys. Passing through my house parties just pretending to be something. You are something”

My eyes start to water and we had back to the hotel.

Cuddled in bed I fall asleep with love in my heart.

There is no way I love him?

In the morning, we wake up with breakfast and juice.

Shower, teeth brushed, dressed and groomed.

He walks to the safe and pulls out the cash. Kisses me on the lips for a few minutes before I make my way to the door.

“If I’m ever back in town, I hope to see you again” He says. I just smile and lean in for one more kiss as I say goodbye. The door shuts. My wallet is full but my heart is numb. Maybe Pretty Woman could be something to someone.

Maybe I could be somebody's someone.

Out Past Germantown:

I’m getting pretty booked.

Another client right in a row.

He lives alone in a large house.

I see a pattern.

Rich ass dudes with depressing lives spending money on youth trying to feel something inside.

I get it.

Money is usually all they have to offer because their personalities suck, they spent so much time being focused, they never had a chance.

It’s just how it is.

Easier.

This job is easy.

He just wanted a massage and for me to talk to him about myself.

Okay easy enough.

He has the table all set up.

D: “Where you from?”

Me: “I grew up in Berlin, it’s a fairly small town in Jersey.”

D: “You an only child?”

Me: “No I have three sisters, two older and one younger.”

D: “And your parents?”

Me: “Separated when I was three, my Dad and I recently started to speak again…. why do you want to know all this?”

D: “Justin, you are a person. You have feelings that’s why I brought you here. Just keep rubbing the oil in and let’s just keep talking. I want to know more… I care about people. I don’t think you are just this, you are the most beautiful person on that site. Too beautiful to be doing what you are doing.”

Me: “Listen, there’s really no need to go there right now. Let me just finish and I’m going to go.”

D: “What are you afraid of? People knowing who you are?”

Me: “Okay I think we are done here.”

D: “You still want to be paid?”

Me: “Obviously.”

D: “Then just tell me one more thing… do you have a boyfriend Justin?”

My mind does the thing where I zone out and can only focus on the pain that love has brought me. It starts wandering and slipping thinking about Jayden. My mind starts reliving every detail of our relationship over and over again.

Trying to bring myself back to the ground but now I feel a tightness in my body.

I need to come back down.

Breathe.

I tell myself to  focus on reality…

What does this mean?

Me: “I’ve never had a boyfriend. Guess I just have bad luck at love.” *laughing nervously*

“Can I have my money now. I really think I should go.”

D: “Go wait in the other room, I’ll be there in a few minutes”

What the fuck?

Why is this guy playing games?

I’m waiting, I’m anxious, thinking maybe he’s a serial killer.

There is nothing to protect sex work, what can I tell the cops?

My body really hurts.

I don’t understand.

Understand my worth.

D: “Here you go. I really expected more, but I guess you aren’t what I thought. Get home safe.”

I stare back in silence.

What the fuck.

At least we didn’t have to fuck.

I don’t even say goodbye.

The night is still young.

I’m gonna go get high.

Delco:

Why do people talk shit on Jersey when a place like Delco exists?

Gotta client over there.

Wants to jack off to me in my underwear.

The apartment is run down.

He looks like George from Seinfeld but creepier and fatter.

I lay on his couch.

He has screens all over.

Teens play on a loop.

Porn everywhere.

I just stay in my underwear.

He plays with his fat old man cock.

Staring at me like a dog stares at food.

“I love you nephew.”

Jesus Christ, what the fuck

Please

Please finish soon.

Is the money worth it anymore?

Some sick people

And I’m their whore?

When I get paid, I run.

Do you understand why I like drugs?

Intro:

I love, love.
I love the idea of being in love.
I love men.
I love their bodies.
I love being held.
I love sex because for a moment my insecurities fade.
If I’m wanted, I can’t be as worthless I tell myself I am?
To be fucked is to be valued.
Right?
I love, love.
I love hard and I love forever.
I love my first boyfriend.
I love every man that makes me feel worth something.
I love leading men on and shutting them out because I’m afraid of what they’ll find out.
I love, love.
And I love you.  

days:

The ashtray stays next to my feet while I smoke Marlboro lights and take speed.

I write on the floor.

I write on the table.

I lay in bed in silence.

I wish I was stable.

In my journal it reads…

“Tell me how I got this way? Tell me how I’m in t(his) place. Boy what did you mean? When you said, “it ain’t you it’s me?” I thought that I’d been hurt before, lord knows I’m trying but my heart needs more.

I wanted a life where we could grow. All you wanted was a life on the road. I’ve tried my hardest to be everything, keep on driving. They wanna hear you sing.

I walk around wearing all your favorite button downs.

Remembering old times about our hometown.

Was it love? Or was it the lines? Was it love or was it the lines?

I wanted a life on the road, and you were out there like some kind of rolling stone. I’ve tried my hardest to be everything, keep on driving. They wanna hear you sing.”

My mouth is like a desert

30XR and cigarettes is what makes me feel best.

What the fuck am I even writing about?

It’s music I hear in my head.

I write songs because in my brain Jayden sings them for me.

I stay on the floor.

Searching Grindr for money.

I need to feel fucking something.

The Party:

I’m outside the salon I work at, smoking a cigarette with one of my favorite people in the world, Gianna. A tiny Selena Gomez twin that has the attitude of someone you wouldn’t fuck with and a heart made of solid gold. We were outside when I got the call…it was Jayden.

Drunk he was, but happy. He said I needed to get to his party and come be with him; kept going on about how he wanted to see me. My heart fell into my asshole, I ran inside the shop and get a shot out of the freezer from the break room.

What the fuck?

What do I do?

Gianna tells me I should go, she knows how much I love him. But I’m terrified, even though it is exactly what I wanted.

I pace around and think of what to say.

Is it time to put the past behind us?

The abusive turbulent past? Did we grow up? Is there room for us to last? Everyone deserves a second chance, I wasn’t a saint either.

Life is so different now, I’m not the same person anymore.

Everything I’ve done in recent months was just a way to get his attention.

It worked and now I’m scared.

Gianna convinces me to go and tells me it’s gonna be alright.

What happens now?

Are we still gonna fight?

I’ve never been this nervous in my ENTIRE LIFE.

……

Flash forward to the next morning.

We are in bed together.

Cuddled.

Where I was born to be.

nowhere land:

Nowhere land is the place to be.

Inside the tent you will never sleep.

Come along, come with me…

Let me show you all the things that I breathe.

Stage is set, the lights turn on, giving the crowd exactly              what they want.

Running in circles, we end up back at the start.

Getting nowhere fast, gotta get to nowhere land.

Time doesn’t exist.

Just fantasy and dick.

Nothing even matters there 

as long as you got Calvin underwear.

Body’s touch and body’s fuck.

Awakened with the voice, upfront.

No jobs are to be held, we get distracted 

being obsessed with ourselves.

Nowhere is the place to be.

I’m on my way!

Please!

Please!

Wait for me! 

studio:

The apartment is quiet my roommate is on tour.

Jayden is in my bed.

He called and needed a place to lay his head.

A few days more this goes on.

We are only friends no more love again.

He’s writing music and following his heart.

Talking about our dreams again.

Healthy.

We are friends.

I’m in the studio and I hear him sing.

Laying down each vocal so carefully.

I don’t know a more talented artist. 

Never seen someone with more heart in it.

Forgiveness is where my mind is.

Still haven’t told my bestest friend I’ve been hanging around him again.

No need to.

We are just friends.

Watching him create inspires me again, I start thinking about my love for fashion.

How badly I just want to be in.

The pain we put each other through seems so far removed. But does it ever go away? Could I really ever love him again that way?

They say true love just happens once.

Sometimes soulmates are too hot to touch.

If I forgive him now I could probably just move on?

What is making me listen to the song?

Never off key, the way he breathes is everything.

What happens next?

Can you really be just friends with your ex?

With lives so turbulent we can only hope for the best… I just can’t see it, what happens next?

eviction:

My apartment is empty.

I mix pills with vodka.

I sit on the floor and I write.

Nothing good but the speed tells me it’s genius.

This goes on for two months.

I’m not an addict… I’m an artist.

I’m creating.

I need that high of speed just to feel something.

My fridge has beer.

Only peanut butter in the cabinets.

Blinds are shut at all times.

I hate when my dealer wants to hang out inside.

He’s very nice, rides here on his bike.

He must be lonely too?

He just sits with me and tells me everything.

Maybe he wants to fuck?

No Jakk, shut the fuck up.

Now I get a notice under my door.

I’m being evicted….

What the fuck for?!

I got thirty days to vacate.

Well.

I’ll just sit on the floor some more.

I’ll sniff drugs, I’ll write and I’ll whore.

I don’t know what is next?

I just know I need sex…

dance:

The performance didn’t go as planned.

Crashed and burned in nowhere land.

Hopes and dreams scatter around

silence screams, foam of the mouth. 

I don’t wanna go back.

Where do I go?

Trying my best to pull off something impossible,

life seems to say it’s not what I deserve at all.

What about love?

Love seems to have taken everything away.

Distracted by pleasure, fueled by pain.

Jayden.

I’m not over Jayden.

Again and again I scream his name.

Happy.

I just want to be happy.

I want the picket fence, I want the family.

So the dance continues.

I’ve fallen again, it’s nothing new.

How do I create the visions that play?

I see colors that map out the time.

I’m afraid of red she is the alarm in my head.

How do you achieve your wildest dreams?

How do I mask my low self esteem?

Questions I ask and truths that I need.

The dance is really not what it seems.

For I continue to bleed, bleed, bleed.

It’s saving that I need, need, need.

sunrise:

Counted out, now the numbers are counting down

birds sing so loud.

In my head thunder pounds and pounds.

Nitrous tank finally kicks 

dividing the rest of coke in lines

I’m telling myself that I’m gonna be fine.

The sun is high now, we have that in common.

Jayden is sleeping, in his arms is where I feel his heart beating.

My friend Cat says we should go walk around the track.

We blend in with the moms who have just woken up, 

my heart rate is higher than heaven above.

“I’m in love with him still, I loved him then, I love him when. I’d do anything to be with him again.” I vent as we continue to loop around again and again.

“You deserve to be happy, I know he still loves you”

She says to me.

I see sweat on the moon.

Spacing out I feel like I might faint.

I'm in need of a blue Gatorade. 

We talk and gossip everything about life, my friend is searching in all the wrong men, she’s convinced it’s right.

But who am I to judge?

I’m in love with a man who put me through hell.

I’m worried I’d do it all over again.

…. why am I waiting for him to give a chance?

still waiting for him to

take my hand in the dance.

“Coming down from you was like crashing at noon.

Fuck it.

I just wanna be there for you.”

future self:

“You think we gonna make it?” I ask him out loud.

He’s taking his music so seriously, studying hard day after day.

I’m committed to a strict diet and heading to New York for test shoots. 

“You think we can pull this off?” I ask him again.

I get discouraged, rejection happens often.

He reminds me, “If it was easy everyone would do it”.

Artist to artist we have faith in what we want to accomplish.

I believe in him more than I believe in myself. 

The vision has to come to fruition.

We can make it out of here.

I have to lead without fear.

Gazing into Jayden’s eyes while he sings for me, my heart skips each time.

My best friend.

Till the very end.

The only one that can relate to the level of pain my soul takes and takes.

I forget how much he put me through.

They say time heals all wounds

It must be true...

the car ride:

“Would you ever have sex with me again?”

Jayden asks as we were drive to the store.

“Only if you were the last man on earth, even then probably not.” I say rolling my eyes.

That was a lie

I don’t understand what he’s getting at.

Since I had to move out of my place I’ve been with him nearly every day.

But we are friends.

He sees the guys I have sex with, we even almost fucked a client just for old time sake.

But now he wants to fuck me?

We lay in bed, getting high, talking about life.

Suddenly his hand is on my thigh, my heart is racing like I’m on speed.

I want him inside of me.

I can’t even resist it

There is no use trying to stop it.

Looking into his dark brown eyes, my hands push through his wild head of curls and now I realize he’s on top of me.

We kiss for the first time in what seems like years.

We fuck, I never thought this would happen again.

We fuck again.

We fuck again.

He finishes inside every time.

We fuck again and the sun is gonna rise soon.

I don’t think I’ve ever had better sex.

Maybe you just have to break up, build tension for a year and convince yourself you’re just friends.

Maybe you have to have a toxic past and heal from it?

What makes you get back with an ex?

Falling asleep in his armpit again.

There’s no way we are just friends.

“Remember when you told me you wouldn’t have sex with me again?”

He smiles at me and kisses my head.

We don’t talk for a few days.

I have to process what has happened.

What am I letting back in?

Can we be friends now?

How does something like this work anyhow?

It’s a Sunday night and I’m gonna go for drinks.

Somehow I end up at a bathhouse with Jayden.

We fuck in the rooms and another man fucks me after.

It’s a quiet night so we leave and head down the street.

Our favorite place where we used to meet.

We walk to the bar and start doing shots.

“I love you” He says.

“Will you stay by my side while I fuck the world?” I ask.

We make out like it’s the first time.

In a bar we would hide in, when we were making dimes.

Blacked out.

I wake up back in his bed.

It’s Facebook official.

He’s my boyfriend again.

happiness:

This could be it

like the kids say 

it’s lit.

Happiness.

Am I reaching happiness?

I’m in love.

Dreams are coming alive.

Prepared forever

To be by his side.

We have sex three times a day.

I can’t even do anything without him calling my name.

At the gym he blows up my phone.

“Please come home.”

“I'm all alone”

Plans set in motion.

I quit my job at my favorite salon.

Putting my hair stylist side on rest.

Following my ambition to be the best.

We spend all day and all night together.

This is how I want to feel.

Forever.

And ever…

It all started to change one day.

I guess we got a lil' of the honeymoon phase.

I came back from New York after working a shoot.

I told him I got fucked by I guy I met at a bar.

The way he scolded me broke my heart.

“I don’t understand why we can’t have an open relationship but only I can fuck other people. I don’t want you having sex with anyone else but I need to be able to fuck whoever I want”

Jayden starts yelling at me and we fight and we fuck.

Something about the combination becomes what we love.

I think it’s my fetish.

To fight and to be put down.

Having my feelings hurt and on the verge of tears but then fucking it all away.

Cuddled

drinking beer.

I wish I could choose who I was in love with.

It doesn’t work that way.

I’m forever in this place.

Forever with my Jayden.

payment:

Surprised.

My old email is still alive.

This book wants to meet.

Just to see me before he decides.

Wants to make sure I’m real.

Sounds strange?

Whatever.

I’m waiting in a parking lot

He pulls up.

Hands me 500 dollars.

Says this is to promise I’ll fuck him later.

I took the money and went home.

Never told my boyfriend.

Didn’t feel the need.

Spent it on bar tabs all week.

When we drink we are better

Clink!

exit:

You said you wanted to end it

cause I asked for a ride,

said you wanted to end it 

cuz I wanted to be with my friends.

Told me my best friend hates me

you said she’s not my friend

you hate her too

keeping me from her

cuz you know I’ll be with you.

Every time I’m honest you yell at me

I’m constantly going to bat for you

defending everything you do.

I quit taking pills.

Well the orange ones

now we take xans

that’s how you calm me down 

you make me upset

then it’s Xanax

dick

I’m confined to your bed.

Why are the only people I see your friends?

I spend my mornings with my Mom.

I always tell her we are fine.

That our love is perfect 

She knows I lie

but I’m not gonna tell her how we get high 

just to tolerate each other.

Do we actually hate each other?

We promised tonight after a fight, we won’t trick anymore,  that the past ends, doing it right.

Working one night a week dancing just so I can socialize and be out of the house.

You just sell drugs and we fight in the car cuz you hate the way I drive.

We bring up the past, let’s keep fighting about that.

You say what you did to me isn’t as bad as being outed.

Can’t compare pain like that.

You look in my face and scream, “Just SHUT THE FUCK UP JACK!”

I jump out of the car at a red light.

you loop back around and I get back inside.

Silence.

We make dinner.

We fuck.

I’m stuck.

I’m in love.

If my grandparents were alive they would hate me.

Fuck,

I hate me.

Leaf:

My strung out nights working at the club we met for the first time and had a connection of true love.

True friendship.

We went deep right away.

All of your secrets I still keep safe.

I told you about the real side of J.

You told me I shouldn’t stay.

We made a pact.

Brothers.

More like sisters.

We were gonna travel across the country together.

Didn’t matter if Jayden ever came, I had you.

Dancing all night in a dark crowded room. You. 

Carrying each other awake until noon.

You showed me that drinking tequila is the only option.

All those nights won’t be forgotten.

Luckily my boyfriend loved you just as much as I did so I wouldn’t be in trouble when it’s you I spend all my time with.

Beach days and summer nights.

The guiding light in my dark lit life.

So we made it official.

After New Orleans we won’t go back.

We’ll just keep driving.

We made a pact.

Friends forever.

Friends that last.

Train:

On the Ben Franklin Bridge the Patco froze

stopped

alarmed

stuck

we waited…

Twenty minutes go by

nothing

I tell Jayden, “The city is under attack I think we are about          to die.”

I start to panic

we start to hookup

I pull his dick out

we record it.

If we really about to die

I need it one last time.

The bell rings

we are gonna survive

A bucket list

I didn’t know I had

but I got it on the subway 

Guess I avoided death that day? 

dc :

I love any excuse to be drunk in public.

This is the first pride Trump is in office.

Ew.

I just documented his name.

Do I edit that out? 

An artist is to reflect the times.

The times are, well... not fine.

DC pride was a beautiful time.

Jayden and I partied, laughed the entire time.

Miley Cyrus even sang.

Everything was fine.

Till the car ride home…

Jayden tells me he’s breaking up with me.

I’m shocked and confused we just had a perfect weekend.

We didn’t even fight. Not once.

We never not fight.

So why now?

Why in this light?

“You make me feel invisible and small. Every guy just stares at you and wants to come up to. Everyone wants pictures with you and I’m just holding the camera. Over and over people tell you how beautiful you are and I didn’t hear it once. I feel ugly being with you, you just take up so much room.” He says.

This is out of my control

He’s upset with something I can’t control 

What do I do?

Is he right?

Am I wrong for being myself?

How can I tone it down?

My heart has a knot 

Pulling 

Twisting

What have I got?

What have I got to do?

Do I keep loving you?

“I can’t control the way I am J. I love you so much, please don’t leave me for something I can’t control. You are my boyfriend just because a bunch of people hit on me it doesn’t mean anything. I belong to you, all of that stuff is shallow and it doesn’t matter. It’s instant validation, it’s not real.” I respond.

“It matters to me. You wouldn’t get it and you will never get it. That’s why we can’t be together. I don’t want to be with someone who makes me feel less than or not worth it because I am worth it.” He says.

“You are worth everything and more, you are the most beautiful person I know. I’m so happy to be your man, I want to be with you till the end of time.” I say.

“That’s just not enough.” He mumbles.

“I don’t know what else you want me to do” I say.

“I guess we’re done” He exclaims.

2 hours of silence go by.

I hold his hand.

I try to keep my feelings inside.

If this is it then I will die.

I’ll probably just end my life.

We get back into town and we pull up to Primos.

“Are you hungry?” He asks.

Of course I was, especially for a veggie diablo.

We sit inside and we eat.

For the first time in a long time I hear the words,

“I’m sorry”

Guess this wasn’t the end.

Maybe he just wanted to ruin what seemed to be the perfect weekend.

company:

YOU are who you surround yourself with.

I’ll say it again...

You are who you surround yourself with.

I mean if you hang around trash, ya gonna start to stink.

Now I’m not here to point fingers

Or even here to blame.

Jayden always has to be with his friends.

But ever since he started being around certain ones again, he’s been worse to me.

It’s the company you keep.

I know they are bringing him down but I’ll mind my business and keep it to myself.

There’s about two that are actually on his side and he’s even bad for them sometimes.

I don’t know why they try.

I wish he could get better.

I wish we could get better.

I think about leaving.

I think about cheating.

I fucked I guy I met at the gym.

It’s July.

I’m gonna have to lie.

But I can’t stand the person Jayden is becoming.

I know who he really is and when he’s absorbed with the clowns...

Well

I don’t wanna be around.

ride:

Drank too much last night...

Left my car by the train.

I wake up,

need to go work out.

“Can you take me to my car babe?” I say.

“No, that’s your own problem take an Uber.” He responds. 

“I really don’t wanna spend extra money when you can just take me.” I say.

“You got yourself there, you spent money last night you can deal with it.” He shouts.

Why can’t he just give me a ride?

Why does he never make sense?

He just wants to sit in bed and get high 

Bowl already sparked

He doesn’t care about what I need

As long as I fuck him 

And give him my everything

Guess I’ve never really fucked for free...

Dad:

*muffled screaming in the background*

“Babe can you please come get me my dad and I just got in a fight he called the cops on me again.”

Jayden says, extremely upset.

“I’m on my way right now.”

I pull up to the house I see my boyfriend outside already his face swollen where his Dad hit him.

They got in a fight…

Not sure why…

His dad is an asshole.

Makes my man cry.

He’s the one that beat up his son.

Then calls the police and says they head butted him?

Homophobic.

Just another prick.

We go get dinner.

I tell him we gotta get out of here.

“I love you no matter what, fuck him, we are gonna have a new house soon so far removed from this shit. We won’t deal with people like your dad or my mom's husband anymore. It’s okay babe, I’m here. I’m never going anywhere I’m yours until the end.”

I grab his hand as we share a burrito bowl.

Which later that day I accomplish something great.

I bottom after Chipotle.

No mess.

A true miracle.

I have many talents as an artist.

And that’s just a new one on my list.

I gotta get us out of here.

Away from these adults.

They’re so toxic.

What is it like to grow up in a normal home environment?

Don’t touch my man.

Don’t ever lay a hand on someone you “love”

Dog Walked:

Exploring.

Whoring.

Sex.

It’s what I know best.

At a party.

No clothes.

Just leather.

He says, “Can I walk you on a leash?”

I get down on my knees.

Walks

up the stairs.

We fuck.

We leave.

His place.

We fuck again.

His mind.

Wow.

I want to do it again.

I tell him about my boyfriend.

Maybe three next time?

Gotta go.

Gotta go to work.

I run into Jayden.

He’s drunk.

Already drunk.

I tell him about the guy I just fucked.

He screams.

Runs off.

Makes me feel like shit at work.

I’m already in my underwear.

What else do I need?

My boyfriend to degrade me?

He doesn’t get the rules of being open.

I asked.

I told him.

When we got together.

I said, "stay by my side

while I fuck the world."

I was honest.

He was not.

He has issues with me.

He wants control.

Control of my body.

My mind.

My soul.

He wants control.

I’m done with it.

This time I’m leaving.

I’m breaking up with him.

Fuck.

I don’t need it.

rising:

Three days go by after he exploded on me.

Three days we don’t talk.

What is there to talk about?

The bouncer at work tells me I should give him a chance.

Hear him out.

But he’s an old coke head.

Doubt he knows what’s best for me.

My friend Jonathan says I shouldn’t deal with that.

Ran into him at a bar he says I should just break up with            him.

I didn’t do anything wrong.

We are open.

I was honest and he still hurt me.

Leaf says we still have LA.

We don’t need him.

Everything is gonna be okay.

I go back to sleep at my moms house.

He calls on day four.

Says he’s gonna come over.

We are gonna talk.

I don’t wanna talk.

He walks in, smiles that uncomfortable smile and just says         “Hi”

I’ve already forgiven him when I see his eyes.

Puts his bag on my living room table.

He bought new lube, and a bag of Xanax.

“Want to fuck and make up?”

No go fuck yourself asshole.

I grab his face and we get undressed. 

In my room we have round two.

Tells me he’s sorry.

If I leave him, he says he will kill himself.

We come to an agreement not to be open anymore because       he can’t handle it.

Only other couples.

Gonna try out  monogamy.

I’m not sure if that’s right for me.

“Do you still love me, even after I yelled at you like that?”           He says.

“I’ll never not love you..” I respond.

We fuck again.

Guess I’m not breaking up.

Guess I still have my boyfriend.

Ok:

I paint my face with three different shades.

I use bronzer to detail.

I shadow my eyebrow.

I’m dying inside but hiding with ambition.

If I have goals and complete them, they’ll never know.

Flashbacks.

I have flashbacks of being raped.

While Jayden is fucking me I tell him to get off immediately.

This is the first time that has happened to me.

I love sex.

Fucking is the only thing I can feel, the only thing that                seems real.

Flashbacks.

I could feel the moment all over again.

His face.

Running in the other room.

I still blame myself cuz it was me who took the ride that            night...

Not long ago he followed me home from work.

He shouted at me, out of his car.

Terrified.

I don’t think Jayden knows how to deal with this but he              respects me in this moment and we just cuddle and kiss.

I don’t want sex to be ruined.

What does this mean?

He asks for his name.

I still can’t give it up.

My joints start to hurt and I just want to sleep.

I’m so confused by what is happening.

There is pain in my neck and jaw.

Flashback.

Was like horror scene.

Begging God to feel clean.

Can I burn this memory away?

It stays in my brain like acid stains.

I’d do anything to forget.

June 27.

June 27.

I was 19 on June 27th.

I’m ashamed.

People don’t take it seriously because I use sex for pay.

How could someone like you ever be raped?

Ashamed.

Now.

I want to hide.

Please world,  go away.

Push: 

Arguing over money

money is so evil

it escalates 

he pushes me.

Hard

he’s never laid his hands on me before 

he says sorry right away.

Kisses me 

promises he won’t do that again.

We fuck 

I’m in love with him .

identity:

Run.

Run fast.

Run.

Run hard.

Something.

Something is not right.

I think I’m focused.

Laser focused.

Something is not right.

I’m anxious.

Nerves are starting to surface. 

My creation.

It’s alive.

I live, I breathe, I’m high.

Something is not right.

Something is not right.

I need help.

My boyfriend isn’t there for me like I wish he was.

I’m embarrassed.

Don’t want to tell my friends

or my family.

I want them to think we are perfect.

I’m embarrassed

because our relationship isn’t good.

Embarrassed.

Stressed.

Worried about being the best.

Trying to pull off my dreams

Jayden forgets what that means.

I forget.

I forgot

who I am.

I’ve already created something.

Something fake.

But that something is my escape.

To other people identity is something they don’t care to               think about.

They are happy with themselves and don’t need anything          else.

Me?

I have a vision.

I want to be like the boys on the screen.

I want to be a platinum blonde in a magazine.

I changed my name.

Created an identity, I played a game.

But I’m starting to skip.

Starting to slip.

I have Jakk Maddox, he’s the blonde ambition.

he is the model, the artist, the escape from who I was made      to be. My whole life now is one performance piece, I run             from the problems, attention they need.

Then there is Justin Riley

the sex worker.

I named him after I got raped in my house.

Taking back what was left of my dignity.

Trying to reclaim the parts still whole in me.

Jakk vs. Justin, when I wake up only one of them wins.

But what about John?

What about the inner child that once had dreams of being a      writer.

The kid that loves to laugh and once had his mom and dad

together.

I have a family, I have people who love me but I’m blinded          by a fantasy and obsessed with changing reality.

It’s the only way I can survive.

What does that kid think?

Before I was fifteen and I learned what my body could do.        Before I let so many of the wrong men in just so I could               feel something.

I get validation all day about how I look.

It’s never enough.

I feel ugly as fuck.

I don’t think Jayden ever healed from what happened in his        past.

I don’t think I’ve healed.

Childhood

death

I just kept moving.

Was told, “Nothing that happens to you in life is an excuse        to act out.”

All of my emotions after that became suppressed.

The only time I can feel anything is when I get undressed. 

Cry.

I haven’t cried in two years now.

I didn’t cry when my grandmother died

and she was the first love of my life.

Cry

I wish I could cry.

I just feel so numb all the time.

Something is not right.

Something is not right.

I think to myself….

Just keep up the fight

again:  

Maybe I had too much to drink?

Got a bag of shit coke for free.

I dance through my shift.

The club is empty.

Drinking on the job.

There’s a bottle in my bag.

I’m just another fag.

At the after hours I down more shots.

Black it out.

I don’t remember what.

I wake up in a stranger's bed.

He tells me we fucked.

I did it again.

Grab my shit and catch a cab.

Pretend in my head

That didn’t happen Jakk

Make it home.

Don’t get sick.

Is it withdraw?

Am I hungover?

The car just moves so quick.

“Where have you been?” He says.

“I just slept at a friends, was too drunk to drive”

“Sorry I didn't call.”I respond.

In the shower I get ready all over again.

My boyfriend fucks me.

He’ll never know who was inside me.

Actually?

I don’t know either.

Guess in the end

we both are the winners?

In the end

I’m the lying sinner.

AC Moore:

Idk if this is a poem.

But this is a fact

Got my ass eaten

in the middle of the store 

sewing supply section?

Just wanted to share that.

Ok.

Carry on.

Untitled:

“You think anyone else would deal with you the way I do? Really?” He yells.

“Who else would let their boyfriend walk around some club getting paid to flirt with guys?

Who else would love you doing what you do? Letting you just run amuck however you please.

Do you understand how hard it is to be with you?

Do you understand no one else is going to?

No one.

No one will”

That’s what he always says to me.

Love me.

Just love me.

It’s okay.

Because he loves me.

old city:

Well, I got a book.

He’s in old city

we meet for coffee.

we walk in the park.

I spend all day with him.

We go to  his place.

You know what happens next.

But I needed to fuck him.

This was for my boyfriend,

I bought us Gaga tickets.

We had to go.

I’m sure I’m not the first person that got fucked for a show.

When Jayden asks about my day I say I was furniture                  shopping.

When we see her hit the stage our hearts were stopping.

I fell in love with him again that night.

I lied to him.

Again.

Maybe I do deserve him then?

But hey, it was Joanne.

young, wild, American 

Face Value :

The asshole is the entrance to the soul.

Yes

it’s a portal.

So, what has gone wrong in my soul?

Hmmmm… well maybe, just maybe too many people in my      hole?

I’ve been fucked to to pay for festivals

two actually.

I’ve been fucked and taken to an ATM where I made a 70            year old man give me everything he had.

I’ve been fucked and given the answers on a test.

I’ve been fucked and had weekends paid for.

Fucked for shoes.

Fucked for wigs.

I even got fucked trying to get on TV.

Once there was on offer by a very strange man

to go to Connecticut and do a live sex show.

The other boy was from Florida we were to be out on a jet.

After the show we had to fuck everyone that bids on us.

Florida boy said we wouldn’t make it out alive.

Never went.

I still regret not making the money

instead I got spent.

Anyway.

Fucked.

I’ve been fucked for anything.

Fucked for drugs.

Fucked once for love.

My sanity?

HAHA

that really got fucked.

So maybe there is something wrong with my soul?

How do I pick better? 

Who gets in the hole?

goodbye:

September came so much sooner than planned.

September came and nothing had changed.

September came

2017.

September was here.

My last month here.

I’m leaving.

Me and Leaf are fleeing.

October 4 is our last night.

Jayden says he’ll meet me on the other side.

I’ll get life established for myself first.

He promises to meet me.

He promises not to leave me.

I take a step.

I take a breath.

I’ll say goodbye to my family and goodbye to my friends.

I want fashion.

I want to be one of them.

Anything

to escape the hell that's inside my head.

Still....

Something is not right.

But, now, it is time to start saying goodbye 

Inside:

Fighting almost every day just leading up, you would have           thought by now we would just break up.

I don’t understand.

Nothing I do makes him happy.

Everything is wrong.

Just trying to follow a plan.

Sex becomes a chore.

“Do you love me?” He says.

I just don’t know anymore.

Why do I love you?

Emotionally you are not there for me…

Giving me money, holding it over me. 

Why do I love you?

Why? 

Please god let us survive.

Let us get better.

He promises that he will get better

that he can change.

But I also need to change....

I am not the same. 

Just playing in this stupid game. 

Why?

Am I just in love because no other man will respect my past?

So I let him pull me down

until I see myself…

I'm the monster now.

Focused.

So focused I neglect all of his needs.

I know that I’m becoming absent

in the bedroom 

and emotionally.

Leaving in a week to LA…

I’m excited and scared and I wish Jayden would just come          with me.

A new start is what we both need to follow our dreams. 

But he says he’ll meet me there after Leaf and I settle in.

Every time he says it I know it is an empty promise.

Even empty promises mean something to someone.

Especially when they come from your “someone".

Done.

Coming undone.

Run.

I'm ready to run.

Me. 

This is for me.

Jayden

you don’t have to stay.

Dreams:

How do I explain it?

I don’t know.

Blood rushes out, still feels cold.

Knuckles, face, neck, and eyes

pain oh pain

to die

oh my.

Illusions can seem so real

more real than even the real

To feel..

Fantasy over reality

in the clouds

But I belong down below

I think I am the worst person I know

liar

cheater

whore

I take drugs and I’m self absorbed. 

Blinded with the mission.

To the world it’s ambition.

I just want to fit in.

To exist in this life is rather strange.

Do I want the world to know my name?

Why are we obsessed with fame?

It is a way out…

If you make it then all of the pain, the abuse, the work…

It was worth it.

But if you don’t?

How else do you cope?

Drugs?

Love?

Children?

What fills that void?

I just don’t know.

Scared.

I just want to grow. 

I just want 

a home.

Go:

Maybe

just maybe this ain't for me.

Insecure

insecurity

it’s gonna show

they

they all gon’ know.

How low

how low I go

I’m afraid

destiny..

What's meant for you, happens for you

no matter what

what you do. 

Turn off the news.

Something

I need something new.

Maybe, Maybe, Maybe.

Save me, Save me, Save Me.

Crazy, Crazy, Crazy.

Shoot, Shoot, Move.

Youth

I can’t waste my youth?

Chose.

Nothing

nothing to lose. 

last dance:

Hands are sweating

together they grasping.

Jayden and mine.

Sick

not feeling fine. 

Tomorrow morning I leave. 

Leave him.

Leave this place.

Everything. 

My hometown is like a graveyard of every book and fuck            stained in my heart. 

Everywhere I go I’m reminded of it

keeping in the dark. 

I see street signs where I’ve been picked up

places I’ve been left.

Cars that have crashed

ones that went in smoke. 

My childhood. 

Walking for miles

choked on coke.

Searching that figure in grown men.

I think of all the people that are dead.

I’ve chased someone down the street with a knife.

I've tried to kill myself and failed twice. 

I let my boyfriend twist my mind. 

What does it feel like when you go home?

How do you see yourself full grown?

Someone please help me

My mind it isn’t healthy.

Onward

we go.

Together?

Who knows?

Please listen

Whoever may read this.

I’m not fine. 

I don’t know what is wrong but something is not right.

Pushing.

I’m pushing myself.

But help

I NEED HELP

Numb, depressed, anxious.

I don’t understand why I feel this way?

My body scares me, what the mirror has to say.

What am I doing?

Why am I with James?

Why am I running away?

It’s for your career

You want to be a model

Do I though? 

I just want to down a bottle

Forget that I exist.

Forget about all the men I’ve ever slept with.

I wanna give my love to Jayden.

Why?

I don’t know.

I’ll never know.

Sleep.

 In the morning I wake up and Jayden tells me how messy the night was. I don’t really know how to feel or what to say there is a minor amount of embarrassment, didn't really expect that on what was supposed to be a good time.

We are already behind schedule, Leaf and I have to get to New Orleans, we are performing at Miss Gay America.

I try to assemble my things together and my car is already packed. Jayden tries to fuck but I don’t have time for that.

It’s time to go.

“Promise you won’t have sex with anyone while your gone”

He tells me.

At this very moment I love him and I believe half of what he tells me.

But there’s no knowing what happens next.

And if he really loved me he would be coming with us right now.

It’s not about money like he says, it’s about fear, it’s about me.

I look around the room and take it in.

We’ve fought in these walls so much, so many truths have been discovered about myself again and again.

Art has been made, sex has been had, laughing and screaming… my entire teens.

Finding the first client, hearing his first song, creating my dreams, taking care of him when he had the flu, making dinner together, always drinking beer together.

Doing lines on the floor, getting high in the bathroom, and having parties that lasted till noon.

Jayden and his bedroom represent my entire youth

My emotions are numb, all I’m worried about is getting to the top.

Jayden and I drive to Leaf's house, the car is quiet for the first time.

Usually it’s the place where all we do is fight.

Over on 20th and Dickinson we wait for him (he blacked out too).

Jayden and I blow each other for what feels like could be the last time.

I don’t know if I will ever really see him again because everything he says just feels like he’s lying.

That’s it.

We leave.

No longer is Jayden riding next to me.

Just Leaf.

A new adventure.

New beginning.

No way the past is gonna catch up with me…

Week One:

We crashed in Asheville along the way..

Stayed with Stacy.

Beer and pizza ready for us.

We hit New Orleans.

Stayed for 4 days

back up dancers for Miss Gay USA.

I haven’t cheated.

I call Jayden.

I tell him I love him.

Dallas happens

we stay with Greg.

Lost our phones at the Round Up.

Almost got stuck.

Still haven't cheated...

Motel in nowhere land

motel in Phoenix sand.

crash down in La La land. 

I flirt with a dude who lets us stay on his couch.

He stay tryna fuck, but I’m not the one.

Though our conversations at night fascinate me.

He’s so far removed; from a completely different world.

Kids born into money just never offer something...

To me.

I could be wrong?

I’m wrong a lot.

We crash for a week and we smoke all his pot.

Still… I haven’t cheated.

Jayden and I fight on the phone

everyday.

Why?

I’ll never know. 

I meet a guy at the gym, where I’ve been kind of half living. 

Showering there everyday. 

Plotting and designing how I’ll make it pay.

He invites Leaf and I over for wine night.

Super hot, super nice guy.

Lives in what I’d call a hippie commune.

His hair long and blonde, Jesus like and built.

His body.

Fuck,

his body.

A yoga teacher and art freak. 

Tells me to come back over without Leaf.

He wants to give me a private class…

Ok, that’s not bad?

So, the next night I go back.

We smoke this crazy strong weed.

Tells me to lay down and relax.

Feet to feet.

He pulls on my hands stretching out my back.

Back and forth.

Muscles.

More.

Lifting my legs to stretch by head.

“You’re so tight”

He said

“I know”

I said.

Pulling my body and stretching my back.

I just can’t hold back.

He leans in to kiss me and I don’t stop it.

Picks me up and drops me on the bed.

Going down on him, felt spiritual…

I’m dead.

Jayden can’t find this out.

Then he goes to fuck me.

I suddenly tell him to get off me.

Mood is killed.

I tell him,

“I have a boyfriend and I love him too much to do this.”

“That's okay.” He says.

“Hit me up when it’s over then.”... Over then?

I almost cheated

I promised Jayden I would be good.

He makes it so hard.

I wish I could.

How I wish I could…

Another Goodbye:

I lost my best friend today.

I want to cry and I want to scream.

I do actually.

We part ways.

He goes back with his ex.

I picked up my stuff outside the welfare office.

I call Jayden and I can’t believe whats happening..

Now I’m really on my own.

Trying to pull off the impossible.

I move in with these two guys

renting the living room space.

Got a job at The Abbey.

I get a text from an old fuck.

A guy I had sex with years ago.

He lives up the street.

He’s selling drugs.

He asks me what I need…

Never have I replied so quickly.

Orange pills.

Back on the orange pills.

Now I can be thin

I can take over the world.

Fuck betrayal

orange pills how I have missed you.

Spending hundreds a week just to have you.

You wouldn’t believe what I’ve been going through…

I cry to Jayden on the phone

he doesn’t know what I’m taking now.

I’m not gonna tell him.

We just keep fighting

he don’t need more ammo.

If he knew he would hold it against me.

But I don’t have a problem

I just want to be a model. 

Hey Neighbor:

Jayden makes me so sad.

How?

From 3000 miles away he still gets inside my brain.

Why?

Does he not want me to succeed?

I tell him I hate it here.

I want to go home but I can’t.

Still haven’t done what I need to do. 

I have my first test shoot.

Trying to get an agent, struggling with my body.

Any drug just to stay thin.

Smoking heavily now, at least a pack a day.

Not able to save any money that I make. 

I’m sad, I’m lost..

But I’m focused? I know what I want and I know I can get it.

Sad

still

sad

I wish my boyfriend was here…

So alone, never been this alone.

Not making friends because I’m too preoccupied thinking I’m better than them.

Jayden makes this hard.

He has the control even miles apart. 

We both are trying.

I think we both are lying.

We do the cute good morning texts.

But then fight right after that?

I talk to my neighbor in the elevator.

Says he has seen me around and we should hang out sometime.

I am in need of a friend. 

Got no one here, feel like I’m back in nowhere land. 

“Okay”

“Let’s chill later?”

I say.

“Cool, see you round 9?” He asks.

“Perfect.” I say.

I get off and take a nap in my space.

A few hours later I have a dick inside me.

For the first time in what felt like years.

My boyfriend is an asshole.

I love him.

But I couldn't stop myself this time..

Why?

Is it because I know in my head we are nearing the end?

Or

do I really just need that friend?

Fucking the neighbor

that’s original.

Far from

far from the goal. 

Liar:

I’m a liar now.

In the bed, still 

do I make my family proud?

Did meth again.

I think about doing it one more time.

Everyone in this city tells me how beautiful I am

every day I’m flooded with compliments.

My ego.

She grows.

I leave a sense of mystery.

What does that mean?

You see

I’m one of the prettiest

but In my head I’m convinced

I am the ugliest.

Though every stranger has something to say to me

And all these guys want to be with me?

I stay with Jayden.

My mirror says “UGLY FAT ASS BITCH”

Even though the truth says different…

I don’t love myself.

I need validation from strangers.

If I don’t get a contract soon I really must be ugly.

I’ve wasted time

That's true. 

Spiralling.

Focused?

I freak out on James

It’s because I'm lying

I am not the same

my insecurity grows and grows.

So I just hoe and hoe.

At a bathhouse I get fucked by different dudes.

Taking home a guy in the parking lot.

Was he even hot?

Sex.

Sex makes me feel less ugly.

I can’t be ugly if strangers want to fuck me?

But then again men would fuck anything with a warm hole        and a pulse..

So what does it mean?

What am I searching for?

What do they get from fucking me?

They get to say they did it?

I'm unattainable to the people I know.

But to strangers

I put on the show. 

This boy is full grown.

I’m on my own. 

Away from home. 

21

but

but

I am so alone...

The Robots:

I can’t be replaced by the robots…

You

not me

and I’m just a dumb thot.

Robot

gonna take your jobs.

Can’t replace the creatives

but...

What makes you famous?

The robot

can’t be the poet.

I can.

The robot

Only exists where 

A basic bitch lives

stealing your job

now you broke.

Life,

was it a joke?

A well oiled machine needs to be taken care of.

Society tells us what we should be scared of.

Robots won’t replace love

unless you believe that it’s something to be paid for...

Bottled up.

You can try

lots of people here do.

Love!

If you could buy it

I would by two!

you?:

People ask me,

“How are you?”

I always respond 

“Wonderful”.

I lie

I lie 

I lie….

What were to happen if I told the truth?

If I said

“I’m fucking terrible...Something isn’t right and I don’t               know why I feel this way.”

Would they listen?

Would they understand?

Everyone is just trying to get in your pants.

People don’t care about how you are doing.

That is what I think.

The world is scary.

No one is listening.

Alone, I battle alone.

My boyfriend isn’t helpful.

Sometimes he tries to be.

I just feel so sad

I just feel so bad.

I think I’m a monster.

Narcissistic, egotistical bitch.

All I care about is getting what I want and do whatever it            takes to get that.

Burned every bridge I’ve walked on so I can’t turn around.

I’m stuck.

Stuck here in this town.

Can’t get out.

Wish I could

wish I would

I’m leaving the bar now.

A man outside asks if I’ll go home with him,

I say yes.

We fuck all night.

My boyfriend calls me, about to book his flight.

He’s coming to see me for my birthday.

In someone else’s bed I lay.

I’m slipping

slipping away

chasing:

feeling is fleeting

anxious

anxious.

Jayden is about to be here.

I can’t wait to have sex

Sex

sex 

sex with someone I love 

not just a rush.

I’ve been through a lot 

thinking to myself, 

I just want to be loved

I ran away from home 

I don’t know how to heal 

so I keep setting goals

it's the only thing that's real.

I wonder if Jayden and I could stop fighting.

He does this thing 

where he convinces me I said something 

when I know I didn’t.

It messes with my head

I wish I could record us

and prove that I’m right.

I don’t know how he does it

but I love him

I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s anxiety?

I fear I’m not good enough to get what I want…

But I know he is, that he’ll go far.

So I stay.

I hope that he can make himself something

then I can quit.

… but it’s hell right now

Is it going to get better?

That’s what’s promised

we promise to get better

I hope it’s true

I pick him up at LAX

kissing right away 

bags drop

like a movie scene.

We get home.

We fuck. 

Maybe there is hope for us?

We haven’t fought yet.

I’ve missed him so much

just wanna stay in bed 

 and keeping giving him head…

Royal:

We made it 24 hours 

now the first fight happens.

In the car

of course 

where it always happens.

My friends are mortified in the back seat 

While he continues to just scream at me

Cuz I can’t find parking...

It takes a long time.

Have you ever lived in K-Town?

Don’t 

unless you don’t drive .

We make up.

Everything’s fine.

The next night we fight again.

This time it’s serious.

What started it?

I told him to take an Uber to get weed instead of the car…

He freaks out.

Bad. 

On the balcony he starts yelling at me

the fear comes over 

the rage 

I cry 

...For the first time I cry.

Why is it I can only cry when people are yelling at me?

Fighting back

it’s hard.

This is the first time water has filled my eyes since the night      my moms husband told me to die.

Fuck him.

I can’t go home and have a normal life.

I carry that pain deep down inside.

Jayden tries to wipe my eyes.

We go for a walk.

Sit on the street.

I cry some more

I say I can’t do this 

the fighting every day

we don’t deserve this

I don’t think we should stay .

He says we can change 

this is the last time.

We putting the past behind us.

Everything will be fine

We go to the movies

I get drunk on wine.

What is love?

Is this really it?

We smiled for a picture to post online…

Do they know I’m dying inside?

Do they know he fills my head with lies?

Screaming

I want us to stop screaming..

“You can’t give up on me… let me prove to you I’m not like       my dad. You have to give me a chance.”

That’s what he says.

So I stay.

What is love?

I’ve only ever seen toxic love…

The examples I’ve had 

they weren’t like a rose.

Fallen into the trap.

Can’t

can’t get back.

Love…

It’s because I’m in love…

agreement:

Jayden left.

I feel good about our future.

He plans to move here by February once I get a place.

I’ll see him next month when I go home to visit.

We are okay.

For once I think we might make it.

But I cheated again…

Now I have to fake it.

This time was with an athlete.

A professional one.

His wife, I had to run.

We fucked in his at home gym.

He was black and Asian just like Jayden.

Huge and built.

Perfection.

The sex was incredible.

But it was just sex.

We both are in relationships

so he gets it. 

I get what he needs

We are just getting off

no harm done.

I’m not a saint 

I see the damage I’m doing.

Lies,

they change you. 

I’m changing too.

It’s not the cheating that kills 

it’s the lying. 

In the back of my mind I know Jayden is never going to              move  here

He’s leading me on

still trying to control 

so I get sex while he’s gone

no harm done.

He will never know 

but the lies,

It’s making me bitter.

Lying to him

I

start

-

can’t control 

control 

my own heart...

Mariah Carey:

I was at the Bayou

Why?

Who knew.

That’s where I first 

I first saw you.

You lit up the room.

I saw your face.

Can’t take my eyes off you.

You sing All I Want For Christmas is You at the top of your        lungs.

I just keep staring…

Who are you?

Felt so familiar

like I’ve seen you before.

I saw you at The Abbey a few days later.

This time I say hello.

My nerves

they gonna show.

This time I get your name.

Your face

stained inside my brain.

Confused?

I’m happy?

You say,

“I’m Manny.”

When I look at you I completely forget that my boyfriend exists…         it’s you.

You I want to be with.

I realize that this feeling… it’s coming because my relationship is leaving.

I know it now.

The days are starting to count their way down…

Seven years of turbulent romance is going to soon see the          end.

I know this

but I’m not ready for it.

Can’t let go.

Maybe I shouldn’t let go...

I just can’t forget the feeling inside when I first looked into        Manny’s eyes. 

I don’t want to die

What does it mean?

To be alive?

Christmas:

Out to brunch.

Just a tad drunk.

Jayden calls 

starts a fight 

again.

We don’t know why.

“He’s trying to ruin your day cuz you are out having fun             and he’s at home by himself.” Says a friend.

Probably right.

Things start to make sense.

But I’m drunk.

Upset.

I sit on the ground and want to cry.

Hours later.

Apologize.

I’m with my friends.

still drinking into the night.

Do a line.

Sober up.

I go to the bath house.

I just want to get fucked…

Getting it with whatever dude 

he finishes

tells me the condom broke.

Fuck

now he came in me.

I pray that he’s free

don’t want no std

I gotta see my boyfriend soon

he would know

know what I been up to

if I had that too.

I leave annoyed and confused

this car pulls up to me as I’m walking back,

“get in” he says.

I’m confused staring at this old man

“How much?” He asks…

Fuck

this man wants it for cash.

Do I do it?

Tricking is like a drug

I just can’t seem to give it up..

Jack don’t do this 

You are better than this

I hop in the car.

Blow him while he drives me home.

Made a quick couple hundred.

Merry Christmas.

Pep: 

Post Exposure Prophylaxis 

Taking Truvada and Tivicay together for the next thirty              days.

Doctor said it will prevent getting HIV.

that condom breaking scared me

I don’t want to give Jayden anything 

then he’ll know I cheat. 

I get a shot in the butt

that gets rid of Gonorrhea. 

Gotta avoid drinking

avoid drugs.

I see Jayden soon.

Everything will be clear by then.

He will never know what happened.

Doctor told me not to worry.

I just wanna get this over with.

Hurry. 

Trees:

Soil composed of chemical waste.

I just don’t know

where I came from?

A forest 

ashamed

I don’t process things

I suppress

my feelings

I think

I try to think about life

who am I?

…. I don’t know.

Still searching for the truth.

The biggest pain of my life no one knows

I keep it in

I realized today it is why I stay.

My boyfriend knows

we share that trauma

our love is built on pain

built on sexploitation

built on sex work. 

He knows what I’ve been through...

I have no idea what I am worth.

The forest has many trees.

What about my family tree?

They have no idea who I am 

you see…

Maybe that's the problem.

I sit here alone in a city and I try to solve em’

alone

in my head I have always been alone

but now in a physical sense

I'm singular.

Long distance love won’t keep me goin’ no more

If I don’t succeed I created myself for nothing…

I just want to be something.

My family tree has roots that have been impaired

poisoned, torn, still trying to grow,

trying to form.

What would my mother think if she knew?

Could she handle the truth?

What I have done and still continue to do.

I carry so much shame

suppress so much pain

Pain turns to anger

I lash out on people around me.

I think about what my father might say.

He spent his entire life chasing a high

sober now, on year five.

Would they understand how this happened?

In my head

in my head

they just won’t relate.

Compassion…

Would they have it?

I just don’t know.

So I continue to fight, here on my own

I wish I could understand them better and the choices that        were made in their lives that have deeply affected mine.

Something in my head isn’t right.

Is that something passed down?

What kind of seeds were planted for me?

My tree

in a forest

capitalists have stolen my leaves

my branches taken by force.

Men

they use them for tools.

And what does family prove?

Connected at the root

but

Looking around

I don’t see the proof

Ashes.

Dust.

Are we closer to the truth?

Homecoming:

It’s been four months since I’ve left 

west, we went west.

I prayed and I hoped for the best.

Art has been made

progress

I chase.

I know I can achieve what I need

fashion

collaboration

connection

something is still missing.

I see my dreams coming to fruition.

Something is still missing.

In my head?

Thunder, turbulence, pain. 

Still

not enough

still

there is no love.

On my flight I get excited.

I’m excited to see my boyfriend

last time we saw each other it was heavy

I pray this trip

won’t end me. 

Late picking me up

I stand in the cold

he was getting drunk.

We go back to T-Moms

I want a city wide

just want to stay by his side.

Up all night.

Back in his room

we fuck

we fuck.

It was like when we first got back together again

I’m happy for a moment.

We see the Eagles win. 

We party with our friends. 

Inside

inside my head.

People are happy for me

when they see me

because I am doing things.

Online they see new accomplishments

if only they knew what life really was…

The perspective would be so different.

I’m not sure people would be so proud

but I’m glad they are.

in this town. 

One day

years from now

I’ll settle down in this city

I have fear of being here

I see places where bad things happened

I run 

I am afraid

places bring the memories back.

one day I won’t have fear

and I’ll get married

life

will be clear

Jayden and I have had nothing but fun

suddenly the week is done.

Back to LA.

We have sex in the morning

I ask to see something

his phone.

No!

I’m told no!

Something is up

I don’t know….

He confesses to me that he got his ass ate by an old client for      money.

This is the moment where I should confess what I’ve been doing.

Jack, just end this relationship. 

God is giving you the chance

Its over.

Silence

I stay silent

I don’t react.

I’m silent the entire car ride to the airport

He leans in to kiss me goodbye…

“Are we still together?” He asks.

“Just give me a week to myself, just let me breathe.” I say

We kiss.

I leave.

We don’t speak for the entire week. 

End scene. 

Phone:

J: “Can we talk?”

Me: “About what?”

J: “I gave you a week, we need to talk about this.”

Me: “Fine let's talk then.”

J: “Are we good?”

Me: “Yeah, we are still together. I just bought a king size            bed. Need the extra room for you when you finally move.”

J: “That’s gonna take a little longer now too.”

Me: *trying not to get angry* “What the fuck? You have had     so much time to get ready for this, you know how bad I need     you here. You are all I have. You are my family.”

J: “I can’t handle this pressure from you, that's why I did             what I did in the first place. You make me feel so worthless.”

Me: “How do I make you feel worthless? All I do is try and build you up, I’m out here trying to create something for us, a better life. Worthless? How do I do that, you can’t blame your insecurity on me. I don’t do that to and you know how I feel about myself.”

J:”How dare you say something like that. You have no idea what it’s like being with you. I’m trying my best here to be calm when you are just so negative all the time. People talk about you, people don’t like you. You’re just the fat loser who dropped out of high school and always were and you always will be!”

Me: “Excuse me?!?!?! Really you want to go there? You just started tricking again, you’re nothing but a used up whore.”

J: “Wow so now you’re gonna slut shame me? I am just so over you, you are the most disgusting person I know. Why would you say that you know what I have been through.”

Me: “I’m not trying to slut shame you but did you hear what you just said to me? How am I supposed to respond? What am I supposed to do? You just yell at me all the time. What would you do if you were me?”

J: “I’m so over it. I’ve tried again and again you are just a monster. You are seriously crazy and unstable. My boyfriend shouldn't make me feel like shit all the time. That's all you do is put me down and I’m so over it Jack I really am done this time. Goodbye”

I’m screaming in the back of an uber. The poor driver. I’m just so          upset..

I’m the one who puts him down?

He wins every time somehow.

He is always in control.

He puts things in my head.

Yes I may have crossed a line calling him a whore but he has called      me so much worse in my life and the one time I go to his level, now       everything is my fault. 

I should just be honest

I should tell him everything

Then I can really be the villain he wants me to be. 

He thinks so many nasty things of me

fine

that's who I am gonna be. 

I’ll be the bitch he paints in my head.

I’m so over it. 

Tim:

I’m spiraling

searching for the answers. 

Tim, he's a dancer. 

We get a drink after work.

I vent to him.

Confide in him.

Tell him everything about my boyfriend

I think about ending it

He tells me I need to leave him

I tell him about the fighting

He tells me its called gas-lighting

we go back to my house

I don't have any furniture 

we do coke on the ground

blasting music 

singing all loud.

he makes me feel happy right now.

I’m done feeling wrong

we kiss

drink

laugh

I feel safe.

We take a shower together

We fuck in the bed I bought for me and Jayden. 

He stays the night.

Tells me how he feels about me.

Says he has loved me since the day he met me.

“I know you are going through a really hard time right now       so I don’t want to come off too strong. Ever since the day I         saw you the first time months ago I just knew. I just knew it       was you.” 

He has to go soon.

I just kiss him and smile.

He is so cute.

He comes over the next night around 3 AM.

This time is different.

Not as happy then. 

He cries to me.

He has a flight to Japan soon and I really need him to go.

Hes drunk,

crying, “I need you to wait for me while I’m gone. Please            promise me that you will.” 

I respond “I can’t promise anything, you really have to leave      soon you are going to miss your flight.”

His phone keeps ringing and he turns it off. 

We keep kissing, I keep telling him to go. 

When the sun starts to rise I get him to the door.

“Please wait for me” he says again.

I kiss him, close the door.

He doesn’t love me the way he thinks he does.

He loves the idea of me.

And I know that.

I can’t wait for him.

I don’t want to be with him.

I still haven't fully broken up with my own boyfriend. 

We have sex just once.

How can he be in love?

He’s not.

And I’m not the one. 

Eye:

I’m out every night

avoiding the fight

I’ll drink it away

won’t answer the phone.

Jayden says,

“I’m ready to try, to make it right.”

But I’m not

he says that again 

and again

just like before.

So I’ll go out and I’ll be a whore

because I am over the empty promises 

all the lies

nothing

it is for nothing.

I want to be something 

to someone 

not an emotional punching bag

not stuck

not feeling sad.

I’m very drunk

I meet a guy

at the club

My roommate tells him “You’re so hot I’d let you punch me      in the face.”

The guy gets excited and says okay.

He was hot.

So I take him home

He drives us there.

I put my address in

blow him the whole way

he carries me in

throws me down

we go to town.

It’s hot

best dick I’ve had all week

and I’ve had three.

Its rough

getting rougher 

then all of the sudden

BAM!
     Punched!

In the face!

My eye!

I go to scream and he hits the other side

“WHAT THE FUCK DUDE GET OFF OF ME.” I scream.

I see myself in my closet mirror next to the bed

My face is swollen

bleeding.

I can barely see

“You told me at the club you were into that, I’m so sorry            but I thought there was consent. You said you wanted to get       punched in the face.” He says,

Omg he thinks I’m my roommate.

We don’t even look alike

now I’m insulted

more pissed about that than being hit tbh.

He’s not hot.

Wow.

 “I think you just need to leave right now. Just get the fuck            out.” I say.

I go to the bathroom, I hear him leave.

I look in the mirror

now Jayden wants to Face Time me…

What perfect timing… 

“What happened to your face?” He asks when I pick up the          phone.

“Oh nothing someone threw their arms up while I was              standing behind them at the bar. Was an accident the guy           felt so bad he bought me a drink” I mumble frantically.

“But I’m super tired, gonna go to bed now. Love you, we              can talk tomorrow” I say.

Why do I continue to lie?

To protect the feelings of a man that makes me wanna die?

It isn’t good to lie.

My energy

it ain't right..

The End:

We are fighting on the phone.

He’s filling my head with things I never said.

I want to cry

I don’t want to be alone.

This is the end.

I know it’s true.

A few hours pass

I’m walking in the park and it’s a beautiful day.

I call him back.

“I don’t want to do this. But we have to.” I say

“I don’t want to do it either…”

  Jayden replies

“We are destroying each other. Jayden I love you till the end,      but I guess this is it. If you ever need me please call me, if I          ever see you out I hope there’s no hard feelings.” I cry.

“I love you too, this is what’s best for us. There isn’t any               hard feelings. I don’t hold anything against you."

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man you needed me to be…”            

At work I’m distressed.

I end up going home with another bartender after our shift.

In the morning we go to the beach.

Aperol Spritz.

I look at the ocean.

I pray that everything is gonna be okay.

I pray I can survive without Jayden.

I built my entire life around him.

Now what?

What do I do now?

It’s over like I knew it would be..

But I truly believe he was the only man made for me.

I keep staring into the ocean

praying

searching for the answer

So what happens now?

Do I stay in LA?

It was a dream for both of us

Now I’m just alone 

Not sure if this place is my home.

I look into the eyes of the man who fucked me last night 

no one could ever replace Jayden.

Now I have to make it.

I don’t want to leave his name in vain.

So what happens now…? 

Thirty One and Then Some:

Thirty days go by

I’ve filled my schedule as much as possible

I haven’t had a single drink

giving myself the time to think.

I quit smoking 

no more orange pills 

no social media

I’m trying... 

Trying to get better

and I will.

Thirty days go by 

I don’t think about him 

I’ve met someone knew

he’s a producer 

he takes me out 

I meet his friends

everything seems so according to plan.

Day thirty one

I get the call 

an agency finally wants to meet with me

I have my first contract

singed

by me.

Focused

sober 

we go to dinner

we celebrate

I have my first drink

we sleep together.

In thirty one days 

closer and closer

we start to get closer.

In the mail I get a magazine

in the middle there’s photos of me.

Things I fantasized 

happening. 

We are cuddled on the couch 

I’m about to fall asleep on his lap.

“Should we head upstairs to bed?” He asks.

Suddenly I open my eyes and look up

how I wish it was Jayden instead.

Fuck.

What the fuck.

Get out of my head. 

My life was doing fine now

get out of my head.

“I think maybe you should just go home” I say.

He never called back.

Not the next day.

Or after

any after that.

Just when everything was going to plan….

Nice

he was nice.

Normal

could have been good for me

I pushed him away

No coming back.

No

not from that. 

I’ve gotten what I wanted?

Why can’t I get a man?

This reality I manifested

when it finally came to life

I never felt so empty 

Why?

Why is it when this man is cuddled next to me

all I see I Jayden.

All I feel is pain.

Then I remember.

It’s only been thirty one days.

something isn’t right:

Still 

I think I’m still in love. 

We broke up 

I thought I knew who the monster was 

now

I think that it was me?

I think all the things that happened 

were because of me.

I deserved my life.

My body hurts.

The pain

stays behind my eyes 

my neck 

everywhere

my joints 

I like to stay in bed the most.

Something’s wrong 

I don’t know.

I’ve tried to call Jayden to apologize 

It was me…. it was all me.

I drove him to act that way.

I know it.

I know it.

I deserved it.

My ego.

Turned into a selfish bitch 

didn’t care about anything but what I wanted 

I get it.

I wish that we could be friends.

I wish that this love didn’t have to end.

I say I’m sorry.

You say I owe you two grand

…. fine.

I have a plan.

Images:

I see the images that I make.

I don’t recognize my own face.

Eyes 

eyes can say everything.

I miss hearing him sing.

I’m talented.

Selling any emotion

one frame

I can find the light. 

These images 

say what’s right.

I look good 

look good online 

I try 

but I can’t keep the lie.

Behind the eyes

is a week on K.

In the light, was a week on yay.

But when we edit 

then we post

no one

not a soul knows.

Beautiful

they say it’s true 

but I’ve never felt worse.

What do I do…? 

k:

You’re a model 

we have that in common.

I want to shoot together

so we just start fucking 

makes the art better. 

You’re great in bed.

Kind 

sexy

intelligent. 

Grabbing my ass in public. 

I like sleeping in your arms, 

you go back to New York 

I’m stuck here.

I wanted more..

your heart...

Body like a song I know,

doesn’t make you an art.

solitude:

My friends live 

far away

I can’t seem

to make a man stay 

I sit alone 

my thoughts scare me

I think about my youth 

what the fuck happened?

Why was I a prostitute?

I think about June 27th

over and over

I think about Jayden

no other man

will ever love me 

I know I ruined him.

It just makes sense

my mind

a prison 

no longer

do I fit in

now I’m cracked

the real part starts to show 

the human part

but

I still don’t know. 

Fabrication 

validation 

I need

a year vacation. 

The reasons I ran in the first place 

come to the surface 

there is pain in my face 

I do not want to be in this place.

Gia:

 (Conversation between my best friend and I at Coachella)

“I want to go home. I want my old life back.” I say

“Like home home? Like Jersey?” She asks.

“Yes like home. I fucking hate these people I lost my boyfriend and I’m just in the worst state of mind I’ve ever been in. I don’t care about chasing any kind of dream right now I’ve realized recently all that matters is the love you give and the love you receive. That’s it. Anything superficial can go, everything I’ve worked to create I would turn around and give it up tomorrow just to be home, with him. I ruined our relationship everything was my fault” I start to cry a little.

“I mean if that’s how you feel then you should just talk to him. But I don’t think that part is true you really weren’t the one that ruined you guys. He had so many chances to make things right and perfect you were constantly meeting in the middle just to forgive him. But if that’s how you feel then you have to try.” She says.

“He won’t talk to me, the only way I can say anything right now is by sending money and adding a comment on the Venmo.” I say embarrassed.

The desert is hot. Day 3 is getting to me. I’m at the Disneyland of the world and when I’m alone I think about killing myself.

I tell me friends not to leave my side.

When I’m high on molly

 for a second emotions hide.

Into another k-hole

just to deal with it all.

When I leave here I’m giving up.

I’m going home.

I want my old life back.

Not this one no more.

I’m too sad. 

Used up.

No more.

Empire:

Saw him a few weeks back.

He was perfect.

body was jacked.

In my DM's 

gives me his addy 

I shower 

Wish I had an addy.

Never have I seen a body so ripped

we fuck 

fuck all night 

he says he’s obsessed with my skin.

The tone against his. 

“You’re so pale and perfect.” He says

His skin is dark 

that beautiful night dark 

lips plumped 

huge dick 

everything 

He does look familiar though….

I think he is on that 

Empire show

I wanna stay wrapped in his arms

but I go 

go home to where I can be sad

and alone.

Venmo:

“For every time I expected you to pay for things and was an ungrateful bitch to assume you would.”

(- $100, March 25 2018)

“For letting my ego grow and putting you down when I should have been supporting your growth”

(- $100, April 4 2018)

“For allowing my insecurities and personal shame turn into anger and blind rage. Making me unsatisfied and empty.”

(- $100, April 15 2018)

“For every time I thought I was better than anyone and believing it, creating a destructive space.”

(- $100, April 21 2018)

“For not listening to your advice when I started to lose myself. For being neglectful your emotions.”

(- $100, April 27 2018)

Jayden calls me and tells me not to even worry about finishing paying him back if I’m going to just send pathetic apologies. “You’re embarrassing yourself.”  He says to me. I’m crying and losing it. I’m all alone in a place I don’t want to be.

I just want to die.

Why do I think about killing myself all the time?

“Please just leave me alone you’re crazy” He says as he hangs up the phone and blocks the number.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I live in mid-city LA with house mates that I hate. Only one seems normal the rest are straight snakes.

I want to go home.

I don’t care about a career. I’m supposed to go to Paris soon.

I don’t want to go anymore.

Just want my boyfriend back.

Only him that I Adore.

Now every day just feels like December. I tried to wait for you like flowers wait for June. There’s no me without you

November:

We have the same birthday 

I know this cuz I checked his ID.

Couldn’t stop

staring at me

I couldn’t stop staring at him 

drawn in again 

found another 

one night stand.

Met on the patio at The Abbey 

he comes over later 

longest fuck 

I’ve had in a long time

I feel like I’m exploring sex

for the first time?

Does that make sense?

I don’t count anyone that happened before this year                    honestly.

Sex feels different now.

I can’t explain it. 

I’m waking up.

Just want to fuck 

…. crazy

I forget the name 

but I know 

we have the same birthday.

K-Hole Kardashian:

Fuck

I think I’ve done too much.

At a friends apartment

right off Palm and Santa Monica 

(A Leo)

Railing a mix of adderall

coke

and molly

all at once

before the club.

Taking bottle service

that wasn't for us.

Pouring shots of tequila from the balcony 

to the mouths 

of the people below me 

I forgot there was a bag of K.

On the dance floor 

I key almost half into my nose

looking around

hot guys 

music 

lights 

I don’t want to be me anymore.

Wanna feel like this 

forever 

I soar. 

Suddenly I’m outside 

trying to give a random car two dollars to take me home

no shoes 

again 

and again 

going up to cars 

till a friend sees me

throws me in an Uber 

I feel like infinity. 

Space

and time 

don’t exist 

I’m back. 

Just fantasy and dick

out of my body 

where I belong 

Nowhere Land 

that’s the name of my song. 

Coming back to my body 

in my bed

I hit up the apps

not sleeping without getting fucked.

Tho

it’s love

it’s love what I want.

flip:

(I made a choice to get on a flight to go see Jayden and just show up at his house, I can't handle carrying this weight and feeling like shit all the time. I need some kind of closure ya know?)

here goes nothing…

Think I might be sick

I walk in his room

“So you brought your dog with you?” He looks at me

very confused. 

“We need to talk J.” I say

“Fine let's go outside then.” He replies

Me: “Look I know showing up here like this doesn’t look great. But I’m worried about you and my life has been horrible since we’ve parted. I can’t do this anymore I’m sorry I was such an awful boyfriend to you. I would do anything to do this again.”

J: “You weren’t awful. I was. I literally fucked a dude right before the last time I saw you,  didn’t even wash my dick before I fucked you.”

Me: “.... okay and it’s because I drove you to act that way. I made you unhappy. I get it Jayden we can just start over.”

J: “No we can’t. Jack you need to move on.”

Me: “How? How do I move on like that? I’ve tried. Tried being with other men but when I close my eyes all I see is you.”

J: “You just do I guess I don’t know, you’re an artist why don’t you just go make something. You know that’s what you should be doing right now is channeling your emotions.”

Me: “I just love you so much and I will never understand why. I’m gonna leave now. I’ll prob kill myself later.”

J: “Please don't do that.”

That’s it..

I leave 

I don’t get the ending that I dreamed.

The one where Jayden and I get back on the horse and ride into the sunset.

I go spend time with my friends 

I go to the bars where I used to live 

see all the faces 

the people who love me 

I go back to LA

and I feel somewhat okay.

I just need my friends at the end of the day. 

At the airport I pen this email….

“Just got to the airport getting ready to go home. Didn’t mean to be so dramatic but there was a part of me that truly believed you still loved me. That everything wasn’t for nothing and you would have done something. You had me convinced that I have done so much wrong in my life and I’ve spent so much time down on myself when I have a light in me and just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there and someone will see it one day. This isn’t the ending I ever wanted but I’m finally accepting the fact it’s the one I’m going to get. Now I don’t have to lay awake at night wondering about you and longing for you. When I get back I have to focus on life without you and my purpose. I hope you get everything you want out of life and continue to grow. Sorry I couldn’t be the person you needed me to be. I love you for real. Goodbye J.”

That’s it.

The saga of Jayden and I comes to an end.

My flight is about to board.

I’m never going to see him again

USC: 

The biggest 

the best 

he was a lot older. 

My first 12 incher

I had to forget about my ex.

Rode till dawn

I’m still turned on.

We recorded every part 

touching myself 

to myself 

I’m the dark.

Jayden is gone 

I gotta move on.

Move on.

Sex.

I’m gonna do my best.

Help. 

I need help.

I finally call a doctor 

time to check myself in

something ain’t right 

my head

there is a fight.

I just want to die 

only when I’m getting fucked

I feel alive.

I want to go home 

don’t want to be me anymore

What would you say?

Your kid calls with suicide on their brain?

I’m just gonna do it

I’ll swerve into the other lane

that’s how I tried last time 

When Jayden was in the car 

I gotta finish how I left off.

Maybe I’ll die on the 10?

The 101?

I don’t give a fuck.

I just want to be gone. 

Finally

he cums.

I’m going home

I didn’t drive, 

so I’ll kill myself next time.

home:

Break my back like you broke my heart 

should have known that it was dead from the start 

can’t stand to even look in your eyes 

but the way you lay it down

keeping me High. 

And I know, and I know, that you no good for me. 

When I lay in bed at night you are all I see?

Getting off to the thought of you just laying next to me.

Nothing we can do to fix what we been through. 

Pick up the phone.

Can you pick me up?

Can you take me home?

I just want to fuck.

Flashback

having flashbacks again…

In this mans car 

in the back seat

parked behind 

outside of Mickey's 

down on him 

got him inside of me 

keeping thinking of him,

just wanna be free.

Please pick up the phone. 

Can you pick me up?

Can you take me home?

I just want your love.

Cheesecake:

I’m just over it

Memorial Day

start to summer

yay?

Recently 

I’ve been feeling something

for someone 

nothing new

I’m at bar 

drunk

who knew? 

Then this man comes up to me 

upstairs at Beaches. 

Always hated that name for this place

What a great movie 

“You work in fashion?” He asks me

“Yeah I do actually.” I respond 

“What’s your Instagram?” He asks 

I give him my phone 

we exchange info 

modern life 

gotta check that IG

we do it instantly. 

“I’m John” He says

That’s my real name 

Should I tell him my real name?

“That’s my name! I go by Jakk though, Maddox is my last name” I say

My friends pull me back away..

I start telling them about a date I had recently 

a boy named Manny…

I saw him the first time around Christmas 

somehow we are texting now. 

He’s on tour 

he’s everything 

and then more. 

I have intake soon for mental health so until then I’m just          gonna keep drinking like a fish 

like tequila is gonna stop being made. 

I got this shit. 

I got this shit. 

I’m over him. 

I got friends.

Fashion 

I got fashion. 

Maybe just maybe 

I got Manny

Day 1:

It's only twelve weeks. 

I got 84 days. 

We sit down in the room for the first time.

I’m not even sure where to begin.

Anxious to speak. 

What this person is going to think of me?

Okay Jack

Where do we start?

What do we tell this man?

He’s here to help us 

ummmmm,

Start at the beginning?

Childhood?

Gotta start somewhere.

“So can I call you John?” He asks 

“Yes that’s fine.” I say 

“Cool, so do you know why you wanted to be here?” He asks. 

“Well I can’t feel anything. Literally nothing I can’t explain it I haven’t cried in so long, I would love to cry. I just feel nothing and life is great when I look at it from an outside perspective, right? Like I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to do in life but I feel nothing and I think about dying when I’m all alone at night. I think about everything in life,every bad detail plays on a loop in my mind over and over again. Like a movie and I can’t stop the visions, I so badly want them to stop.” I say.

There is a pause….

“I recently got out of a relationship that consumed the last seven years of my life… we used to fight a lot. We did a lot of things together but honestly was my fault.” I say.

“How was that your fault?” He says.

“.... I’m not exactly sure but like I just drove him to act a certain way ya know? He would just drive me to the point where we would start screaming, idk how he did it but he would convince me I said things that I didn’t.”

“I see… John did you ever get physical with your boyfriend?” He asks.

“Not really no we just screamed at each other a lot, I tried driving on the other side of the highway once… he wouldn’t stop yelling I didn’t know what to do. We were doing sex work at the time together.” I respond.

“So are you a sex worker?” He asks me.

“Not anymore I don’t really want to talk about that” I say.

“We don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to.” He explains.

Times about to finish 

I’ve spent an hour running in circles with my words.

This guy probably thinks I am crazy 

but 

I can’t be the only one he thinks of like that? 

He’s got to be used to it…

“Are you still feeling suicidal?” He asks 

“I haven’t tried to kill myself recently but I just keeping going out, doing drugs, and fucking strangers without protection just hoping something takes me out… so maybe?” I say.

“We’re about to run out of time for today but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing what you have with me and that I hope you are feeling comfortable and will see you next week.” He says.

“Cool thank you.” I say.

hangover/dump:

The sun is way too bright 

a violent headache 

I don’t feel right. 

Anxiety is high. 

What did I do last night?

The anxiety is stronger when I’ve been hitting a bottle 

I wake up hating myself. 

Sweating.

Pacing a room. 

Checking my phone. 

Waiting for a text. 

What did I do?

I hit up a guy down the street

ass up

he gonna wait for me 

I fuck him 

cum in him 

and leave. 

Never gave my name 

never said hello.

I think maybe that’s how it should be 

I’d rather get fucked though.

Sex distracts me from my anxiety.

I’m too hungover.

Too sad

In that moment my brain says 

everything fine

… I hit up another 

call the line.

the husbands wife:

My friends thought I made you up.

a professional athlete 

married,

signed I would  never tell your name. 

Kept my word 

last time we fucked was at your home gym 

this time 

you come over my house. 

My normal neighborhood 

I live off La Brea and Adams. 

Nothing fancy. 

Not like his house. 

He got time away from his wife

I have an hour before work, 

I sneak you up my stairs 

All 6 foot 6 of you. 

I commend you 

for wanting to use condoms 

“I don’t want my wife to catch anything from me.” He says 

I wonder what she looks like?

Am I hotter? 

Struggling to get your dick in

somehow 

everyone still does. 

My shit like a rubber band.

I know this fuck is bad karma for me 

but in this moment 

it’s the only place I wanna be. 

When did I start fucking married men for free? 

What is wrong with me?

Mal:

My Roommate walked in on us making out on the couch 

didn’t know we were about to even get down.

Wasn’t  expecting it 

we caught up for the first time in months.

Shared to you

how I feel inside

walking around like a zombie 

how I feel about Manny. 

Such a close friend 

there for me 

emotionally 

why did we try?

Didn’t give my best performance 

had to cut the tension 

I’m glad we fucked.

It was just one time 

but 

mentally 

it started to change for me.

Sex

a tool for me 

a way to fill a void. 

Sex

toxicity 

but you’re my friend 

and it was normal 

important 

you see?

To experience sex 

without duplicity. 

To see things 

as they are meant to be.

When I think of sex with you, I think of the start

the beginning 

something new. 

I think it’s possible for me

a life of innocence 

set 

free.

IG:

I know who you are 

I’ve seen you 

but you so far

I remember sittin with J

scrolling up and down your page 

I couldn’t take my eyes away 

now we chat 

and it’s everyday 

How do I feel for you?

Never even met you 

just talk on the IG

flirt in the DMs

now you all that I think. 

….

Just who

who are you?

Mister Jerome.

Over 6ft tall…

He really might 

Just have it all

Week 2:

My second time in therapy.

The room is small.

A clock.

That’s it.

On the wall…

“I have this pain in my shoulders and neck that every time I am down it intensifies. Under my eyes too.” I say.

“Do you notice anything before the pain starts that brings that on?” He says. 

“I’m not sure, when ever I see anything that reminds of my ex, when I get stressed or ya know what!? I always lock up when men at the club are trying to grab me and make comments on my appearance. When I’m in a casting and a director makes a sexually loaded comment. I don't know why the pain intensifies. Sometimes my joints hurt so bad I can’t get out of bed. Is that normal? Like am I going to die?” I say.

“Interesting you say when people grab you. Now on your form it says you were sexually assaulted. Is that something you want to talk about?” He says.

“No.” I respond

“Okay no problem. How about for your homework you write down when the pain starts for me? If you notice anything that brings it on… okay?

“Okay yeah I can do that.”

I leave 

He walks me to the front 

sends me off

I look at the other people

I avoid eye contact. 

Rush to the elevator 

waiting 

waiting

the door opens. 

I see this other model I’ve met before,

“You come here?” I ask.

“Every week.” He says with a smirk.

Huh

Fashion

What is this?

no:

Never asked for you to love me.

just asked for you to fuck me.

Never wanted 

wait

maybe

never mind.

I wanted you to love me.

Why can’t you just fuck me?

Me:

Platomicy.

What does that mean?

I’ve finally made a friend 

that doesn’t wanna fuck me.

I’m learning 

how to love 

love on this level 

just as important

important as self love. 

I’ve always been so guarded

especially with men 

gay men 

I’ve had close friends.

I had Leaf. 

But even that was wrong. 

Learning how to love 

in the platonic sense.

No hidden agenda. 

We are the same. 

We see art.

And fashion. 

What we breathe. 

Never had a friend closer

someone understanding

guiding 

recovery 

my recovery. 

Getting back to being who I am. 

Well

supposed to be 

the power of love

the pure kind

the one that doesn’t judge .

John 

and John 

Closer. 

and closer. 

Healing.

I thinking I am growing.

That is what I am feeling?

My art has become light. 

I put out images of sunshine 

I wrap everything in rainbows 

a shift. 

To paint with a brush of pain 

but make something 

beautiful

soft 

and free.

Where I am right now?

Is cuz John taught me.

magazine:

John and I walk to the stand 

off vine

to see if they have a magazine

“My dress is on the cover.” He says.

“What on who?” I ask.

“This drag queen I think” he responds 

We get to the stand

so much fashion 

in La La Land.

He picks it up 

it’s Manny 

“That’s the boy I like! Well I mean he doesn’t look like that but yeah wow it’s such a small world!” I say.

The boy I like

dress by my best friend

That means something?

Right?

What does it mean?

I text Manny

I can’t wait to see them.

free/peace:

The pool at the Standard

the ground is so neon blue

we swim, we laugh, we kiss, I'm falling for you.

Drink

we drink to get drunk.

Grey Goose and soda.

Casamigos and splash of pine.

There is this dance we keep going

we get close but we never go home

feelings are strong but walls seem to be higher

we spend time apart

the distance grows on my heart.

You have shows and tours and people love to hear you sing.

They feel what I see.

connected to your inner child; I’m jealous.

Are we leading each other on?

I’m falling for you, but I’ve never been to bed with you.

Is that possible?

Can there be love without sex?

Or is this just not meant to be?

Because I can feel the energy, you make me nervous             whenever I speak.

You radiate love.

Complex you are, guarded is your heart.

We drink.

We drink to get drunk.

You love to be out.

You love having fun.

But I want to be home with you.

I want to be there for you.

Maybe it’s just not meant to be.

Maybe it’s me?

Nothing wrong.

Nothing bad.

Maybe I’m still too broken

I’m trying my best 

not to live 

chaotically 

but

I’m ready

ready for peace.

the art:

It’s not the heartbreak

no that’s not what hurts 

the brain 

glamorizes things 

you just think

everything was perfect.

Forget the bad 

all was good

The hard part

the hardest part is the art.

What did you listen to together?

What did you create together?

Your favorite albums 

favorite foods

films 

paintings 

dancers 

...I still can’t listen to All Night 

every song on Anti too.

See

even when things were bad 

you remember the good.

Blasting those songs.

Dancing all night long 

I can’t even write this right…

My heart.

Just why?

Jayden.

Why did you decide?

To do this to our life.

I try 

I try 

The good times

the really good times

I hold them so so tight. 

Does it outweigh the bad?

I’m growing 

I’m not the same man I was yesterday

and I plan to keep going…

forward 

trying my best

Jack don’t look back

Think of Jerome.

Think of Manny.

Think of Lukas.

Anyon.e 

Just don’t think of Jayden.

Please 

I beg 

beg you

because 

I 

I love you.

Week 3:

Me: “You know I always resented my father for being an addict my entire life. I don't even remember parents divorce I was so young, three I think? But yeah I always had this resentment until recently when I hit what I’m going to call my lowest point in life so far and it made sense. Illness it’s not something you really chose. I sat alone in my apartment and I was like this is why people do drugs, I thought about doing heroin because what else is there to live for? I should probably call him…” 

T: “That’s a great idea.” 

Me: “I told my mom about the assault, and the sex work. Not in detail I just called her and said, ‘We are going to talk about this once and never again but from the time I was 16-22 I was doing sex work’.”

T: “How did she react?”

Me: “She told me I have to forgive every man that has taken advantage of me in my head. That I have to let go or they will always have power over me.”

T: “And that’s some really solid advice.”

Me: “She’s so right but it is just so hard. I think about June 27th. Like why was I out there doing drugs? Why was no one watching me? I should have been acting like a kid I was only 19 *my eyes start to water* I was so alone and everyone was too preoccupied in a spiral to even notice what was happening. I carry so much blame on myself I was the one that got that fucked up. I remember being in my own bedroom, the house I grew up in, and the way he grabbed my shoulders back so I couldn’t move…”

T: “Wait let’s pause there. Your shoulders?”

Me: “Yeah he grabbed the back of me so tight, my shoulder and neck I remember it. I don't remember  a lot of it but the parts I do play on a loop over and over again.”

T: “Last time you were here you kept telling me about the pain in your body. How it locks up and it inflames. Now you are saying the same place he grabbed you is the same place that tightens. Muscles remember trauma John. Does this make sense? Your brain knows what happened though it may be foggy your muscles remember too.”

Me: “Oh wow.. that is the same exact spot. I’m starting to feel it now from talking about this.”

T: “We can move on. But I think it’s very brave of you to reach this point and that we have realized the source of this pain in your body.”

Pain

Pain in muscles 

Pain

Pain in brain

Pain

Stained

Acid 

I did too much 

In my younger days 

My brain 

In pain

…. in pain. 

Skinny Marg:

Tequila

I feel ya.

Always intrigued from the chase

you look me up and down

you wait.

You’re from New York

LA for work.

Producing another show

me

you want to know?

Taking me home

up on Sunset you take me for drinks.

Skinny margs, 

you got feelings on your arm.

Maybe you like 52?

Old enough to understand

kinda shit that I’ve been through. 

“I’ve never been with a model before”

Asking me questions

things about life

back at your place now

shots

make it right. 

One of your best friends is from my hometown

I think she is the only famous person to ever come round.

One night together

up on your roof

I tell you my story 

kissing 

making me horny.

“You need to sell this before someone writes it about you”

Never thought of that.

Never thought I was interesting enough.

Never. 

In bed with you

I spend the night 

I’m inspired by you

inspired by Life.

I should write my story…

Before someone else does…

Verse:

I don’t really like topping

that’s not my gig

just like getting fucked

that’s how I have fun

You beg me to fuck you

yeah

I want to land this commercial too

so I do

what

I have

to do.

But then

a mess happens

No big deal in my head

it happens..

But before I can go to rinse off my dick

you suck it all clean

now I might just get sick

suddenly

this commercial

just don’t seem worth it 

tell me?

Tell me how I earned it?

Show me

show me that I’m worth it…

Week 4:

“I think I loved some of them. Like I felt safe in the arms of these men that were paying me when I was just a kid.” I say

Sitting in this room

I have to walk through my life

hash it out 

make it right. 

“I know it was wrong, like I get it. I know I didn’t deserve it because technically I was molested over and over again. Before I was even old enough to know what sex was I just gave it away. And my ex, he just let it happen. The first time was with him. Together we just lived this fucked up life but I loved him. I will always love him no matter what they say.” I say.

Spilling my heart

I need to make art

spilling my mind

no longer 

we don’t pretend

everything fine?

“I just don’t understand sometimes. I can’t look at myself in the face and pretend that everything is okay. What if he never loved me? What if it was just shared trauma disguised as love? There is no way he loved me the way I loved him… or none of this. None of this would have happened. I believe I was the monster too. I became an evil bitch so maybe I did deserve this?

I don’t want to blame my parents for anything but where the fuck were they?  I guess having them as a blueprint fucked up the way I look at marriage. Because in her world a husband treats you like shit and gets away with it, I allowed the same thing to happen to me. I mean her husband completely destroyed me when I was younger and I had to always be the bigger person and I don’t think we will really ever be the same… they aren’t really healthy for me to be around. That’s why I’m here. I can’t be back there” I'm crying.

How, how do we get this far?

Scarred

all I have is my scars.

Like a tattoo

even those

I have a few.

Abuse

abuse in the home

violence

again

again

tackled 

stalked 

fire 

off

this was all I knew

toxic love.

So when it happened to me

I couldn’t even be surprised…

You see?

I got out

I’m flipping the script

I’m not a victim

I’m getting over this. 

“John, next week I have to give you a diagnosis. This is an important part because then from there we can start on a road to recovery. I thank you for sharing everything you have shared with me. You have been very brave and I think with what you have told me I can correctly asses you and get you where you need to be.” He says

That's it 

we’ve been leading up to this..

Finding out whats wrong

can’t believe it has taken this long

positive:

His tongue down my throat and body on top of mine

just a moment ago I was doing lines with my friend in the          bathroom stall of another West Hollywood staple.

Then I met this guy,

he looked familiar, wasn’t the first time.

Said “let’s go fuck.”

Sure.

So now here I am.

He’s hot.

I’m fine

though I think I’m falling for Manny.

This boy seems fine for the night.

We’re about to fuck and he says into my eyes, “I’m HIV       positive, I hope that’s fine.”

Me, not caring if I lived or died anymore let him hit it           without protection.

Guess I never got over those thoughts of suicide I promised my therapist I did.

Now I was just living hoping that an accident could take me out.

I could just get HIV.

Take no meds

and fade away.

Looks better than being found in the tub or from the             ceiling

my family would at least be beside me.

He was a good fuck.

We cuddled till morning then I sobered up

had to rush home and find my clothes.

Shower

gym

tan

work

repeat.

I’m starting to feel stuck again but it is a lil' different this     time.

I look at myself in the mirror and pray that I’m dying.

I got myself to the clinic a while after.

Waiting for the result.

Ready to lose it all.

They said that I was negative.

Well shit.

Now I have to live?

Back to square one again.

Guess I’ll update my portfolio?

I am the model after all.

An açaí bowl could be good for the soul.

Ew I just wrote that.

Los Angeles

what you doing to me? 

Week 5:

“Okay so we’ve walked through my childhood, we don’t gotta repeat that again. Ummm I’ve told you all of my darkest secrets, trying to think of where to start today?” I start speaking.

He asks me to just start at the beginning of my week, and we go from there.

what did happen this week?

Hh 

right 

scared.

“Well I slept with someone my friend is talking to and now I feel like shit about that. But Manny and  I haven’t had sex yet! I have all of these super strong feelings and I just get so anxious around him. I fucked it up already, I’m scared to mix sex with love again. I can fuck the world but for some reason I’m scared to fuck someone I actually might love. My wall is so high, it makes it hard to see a future for us.”

time

time goes by 

spilling out my feelings 

my anxiety 

rise 

staring at the wall

waiting

over?

fall?

“So last week I told you we had to give you a diagnosis right? So I have all your papers right here that you can take home and go over on your own too but I’m gonna explain this to you now.

You have PTSD. I know that sounds strange but it’s not something that just soldiers come back from war with.

You’ve experienced trauma, multiple times. There are different types of trauma, in your case we call that complex trauma. You have a lot of negative thoughts on your body and your confidence. I think you are also depressed and have general anxiety disorder. Now hear me out, I know this is a lot to take in at once, but now that we know what we are going up against we can try and get better.” He says 

“Is there a cure for any of it? Like just a pill and it goes away?” I ask 

“Unfortunately the thing with depression is that it never goes away fully, no. But you learn how to cope and use tools everyday to manage symptoms.”

I walk out

No cure?

For my head?

They can give you a shot for STI

but can’t stop

the dying inside?

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

More like Post Traumatic Sex Disorder…

All of this?

From these fucking men

all of this

pain

in my body 

it makes sense.

Fuck.

Fuck them.

Well I did 

Guess that’s the problem then?

eagle:

Three 

three different things

They say that’s what is wrong with me.

Breathe Jack, breathe.

Head in the clouds

I come crashing down

who would have thought that it would go this far

I was so young 

I just want to make art.

I want to be smart 

I can’t let this happen again.

To change the pattern 

gotta put the work in.

Okay

I’m gonna be okay 

tomorrow will be a different day.

Meeting Manny to go play pool

he doesn’t judge me 

he’s just so cool.

Work

gotta put in the work 

here we go

let’s show em, 

...Be first 

gonna find out 

just what I am worth?

The Boy From Brighton Beach:

I was attracted to the accent
I’m a cliche American.
He looked like high fashion Grizzly Adams.
Hairy, full browed, thin, tall; aesthetically had it all.
He liked to drink
I was on a cleanse.
I liked him cuz he was an artist.
A photographer to be exact.
I was a model.
I am a model? 
I’m an artist.
I wanted to collaborate
see inside his mind.
We met for a drink
I let him sleep over.
I always give away on the first night.
So we kept that going.
The sex was great
he loved to cook for me
that wasn’t so great.
We would swim, fuck, eat, and fall asleep on top of each other  even tho it was hot from desert heat. 
He even let my dog stay over.
She had her own bed, her own place.
It kept going. 
We would talk about fashion
our dreams and inspirations
our favorite films, he loved mostly old ones not very good ones, but ones that make you seem interesting. 
His creative vision was beautiful, he sketched how he wanted to shoot me.
I just wanted him to fuck me.
I never wanted him to love me.
I got ill.
Had never been this sick in front of anyone besides my family.
Here I was alone in the city. 
So he came with me to the hospital
cuddled in the bed with me, held my hand.
We stayed there all night.
The meds finally came
I was happy to leave.
Surrounded by screaming addicts, wasn’t so peaceful.
I write down in my journal,
“Always go to Cedars, never the hospital downtown. Never.”
Maybe this could be something?
It wasn’t in love.
but I loved what it was.
I knew that  it had a time limit and and I wanted him to know.
One night I said that exact thing.
“I already know who my soulmate is, but I like what we have, this is fun. But soul mates only happen once.”
He pretended to agree with me
but the way he disappeared after that night said something else.
Months later he asked me for his hoodie
I blocked him.
the hoodie was comfy.
Saw him at a party not long after that
he was different, he had changed
but not in a good way.
He became everything he swore he hated.
Sad really, but it’s LA. 
You either stick to your guns
or become one of them.
Still a solid 10 when it came to fucking...
Stamina
not many have it.
But anyway....
I thought I was the American cliche?

opinions:

Sex is rather boring

when I think.

Rather spend time 

with my head in a sink. 

Why do we write?

Why do we create?

A story 

something that won’t bore me?

Sex

sex is fun 

especially when I take off and run

I like control

please

don’t get close to my soul. 

Do you like sex?

Answer me this…

Is your self esteem just the men that you kiss?

Love

how do I love myself?

When all I want is somebody else…

Like cock and balls hanging in draws

I’m waiting

praying that I won’t end it all.

What turns you on?

I feel it in his songs.

Tahoe:

I’m in Tahoe

Manny is in Brazil.

I have time to think, to focus, reflect, and breathe. 

I write down what is in front of me

green, the color green.  

I know that patience is a virtue but I don’t feel like waiting.

I know that everybody wants you

now I feel like I’m fading.

When I close my eyes at night all I see is the color green and I’m   trying to figure out exactly what that means. 

To surrender to my environment and simply just be.

The only thing that matters is the love you give and love you         can receive. 

But still…

I’m terrified of what I used to be.

It’s the only thing I see beyond green.

I’ve tried to pray

spend some time with just me

I don’t want to relapse and be what you want from me. 

But when I am here

and when I am surrounded by love

when there is no judgment

no vanity

no fear

I can breathe

and I can give that love right back to me. 

Hey:

Am I really in this situation again?

this time we’re not in K-Town

but somehow

my new neighbor

takes my body down.

He just moved in

from Mexico

now I’m his hoe. 

Just before we started fucking

I had another guy over

who made me cum without touching 

but not enough

more

I needed more.

Self esteem low today

don’t know why the pain it stays,

doctor said PTSD

what does that even mean to me?

Woke up the other day

body in too much pain

canceled a shoot

canceled friends

canceled the entire day 

just to lay in bed.

And I say, “Why God, why did I deserve this? Bet you they   out there living it up. I’m the one that’s hurting!”

Joints inflamed

face in pain

it is physical 

not just in my brain.

Imagine thinking this shit ain't real?

To disregard just how I feel

I try

try to imagine a world

where life ain't like this 

because I can’t, 

don’t want to live like this.

Will it go away?

They say symptoms are manageable 

but I liked life better in survival mode

I got shit done.

Now that I’m recovering

I just want to run..

I can’t fuck all my neighbors forever

eventually 

I got to get better…

Woman:

I feel like I can’t get close to Manny.

Is it my fault?

Why I still got this wall?

Think he got one too…

Whatever.

“I’m done with men” I say out loud

in a crowded bar.

Someone heard my sound

“Well I’m not a man.. So what you say?” She says.

I turn around and see them. 

I wonder just how I meet them.

She’s right. 

She’s not a man.

Maybe I should give her a chance? 

“Okay, want to go next door where its quieter and I’ll buy   you a drink?” I ask.

Next thing I know

she’s in my bed

crying

telling me that she’s killed a man.

It’s only 3AM..

Who am I to judge?

I'm just having fun

we stay cuddled till the sun comes up.

I buy breakfast 

what even is this?

I been through some shit too…

We all just healing

dealing

with scars of mistakes and abuse 

so why not crack an egg?

With a girl you know will never stay.

Because first of all Jack

you’re gay.

Week 6:

We half way through.

Don’t even know what I’m gonna do 

I am comfortable here 

across

sitting in this room with you.

“I’m nervous for my casting today, my diet is completely wrong right now. I have been drinking too much. I have to stop that, but I need to drink to be social… If I’m not perfect looking. No one will take me seriously. *I touch my cheek bones against my head* You see this here? If that doesn’t stick out further than my temple I know that I am nothing. I rub it constantly to make sure I am still thin.”

What if I have said too much?

He knows

he knows

he knows

the real me is about to pull through

the bitch that decided to do this

the one obsessed with being model thin

I am the model

I do win

but still

still

fighting for a way in.

Sitting on the outside again. 

“I can not walk past any glass without looking at myself. Every window, every surface, even my rear view. I constantly have to make sure I am perfect. I know that when I step out there if I’m not perfect, I’m not worth it. I have so much pressure on me, pressure that I put there myself but I have to break through because if I don’t what Jayden told me is true. I am just a fat loser who dropped out of high school.”

Dreams seem so far from me

all I wanted in life was to be everything.

That was when I realized

everything is nothing…

Everything is nothing if I can’t even love myself...

MZ:

I’d be lying if I said your job didn’t  make us fuck.

You’re the editor of a magazine, bonus your dick is big.

I can ride you and even let you nut in me.

Fuck

fuck

it feels good to be me

fuck 

now 

just put me on the cover 

please. 

I’ll let you keep this dick inside of me.

To quote Natalie D 

“Come cuddle with your cock in me”

I just want to 

want to be free.

set/bless:

On set 

shooting a music video 

the other model 

his name the same

same as my ex.

Not repeating 

I panic

memories are fleeting.

Changing in the bathroom

only to see I have seven missed calls from you.

I spiral 

my mind goes on a downfall.

Everything was going great.

Hands are shaking 

sweat from my brow is breaking 

makeup 

won’t cover what I am facing.

Back to filming 

one more shot 

you got this 

you got this John.

I see my phone again

texts, 

now we read the messages

he wants to know who my rapist is.

We haven’t spoken in months 

and this?

This is what you think of?

You think that’s okay?

My mind

spiral 

spiraling 

body locks.

I feel the muscles in my jaw start to swell

I’m booked after this too

I have no time to be alone.

Maybe I shouldn’t be alone...

Why?

Why did you reach me on my damn phone?

I block the number.

I push back the negative thoughts.

I down a bottle of tequila soon as I am off.

(At the bar)

“You wanna come back to my place?” A stranger asks.

“Absolutely, let me close my tab.” 

tourist trap:

In a blacked out state I brought this guy home

tall, blonde, uncut, and hung.

He's from Germany only here for the week.

Seemed good enough to keep the pain down for me.

I take him up to my room only to find my Roommate laid   up, across my bed.

Seemed like he wanted to give him some head.

Whatever.

I was drunk.

Wasn’t the first time he got in between.

German agreed that he was fine with three.

Then this thing happened

he was fucking him like he would, then he let out the fakest moan

made me lose my wood.

I had never heard something so bad not even in porn.

Was so turned off I prayed to be reborn.

I did the last line of K I had up on my dresser

that would be the last line I’d ever I do in general.

I let the drugs kick in and I blocked out the noise of the       worst acting voice in history of boys.

I woke up and I knew what I had to do.

Get the hell out of this house, this place, cuz the artifice just wants to be chased.

Swell:

John tells me to write down things that trigger me

we draw it out

patterns and connections.

Notice things to change things. 

Today my body is in a lot of pain.

Too much this time

I go for acupuncture to take the swelling down

under a lot of stress in this town.

I lay in the room needles in my feet

needles in my hands 

eyes closed 

praying that the pain 

the pain could go away…

My face is so swollen 

the muscles have created a knot.

I can’t be photographed and

I am trying so hard to relax.

To breathe in and out 

so tired of feeling bad.

What pattern got me here?

The call from Jayden?

Was it the binge drinking?

When I go off I hate my body, I yell at my mind.

Was it because I got reminded of Justin?

I have to figure this out.

See when some are down 

they are down.

When I go

I can’t even move my hands

they lock tight 

I can’t even write.

The needles come out

the swelling goes down.

I take another personal day

try to sweat out what I’m afraid to say…

I just want to get better.

John says, “You’ve already come along way.”

Facetime: 

I spent about four hours on the phone with Jerome.

Told him everything about me 

talking to him is so easy.

Why is he still so far from me?

He makes me want to move to Jersey.

No matter what

I know he is there for me. 

Jerome vs Manny

One is right in front of me

one is 3,000 miles away.

But one knows more.

Jakk this isn’t a game

stop keeping score.

Week 7:

“The other day I wrote some music with this guy who lives in my neighborhood. I can’t sing but I know how to write poetry and sometimes as an artist things just happen. Ever since I got back from Tahoe I have this deeper connection with the earth. I am inspired by the color green and I need to be in nature. I might just head to Denver for a few months, leave my phone at my sisters, and just write as much poetry as possible in a cabin or some shit, all by myself. Anyway I’m gonna read you the lyrics because I think they represent where I am right now.”

All that time I can’t get back

Now I fight to stay on track

Trying to stay above water

Staying alive, it gets harder.

Don’t die, don’t die, don’t die

Hey, you’re drifting

Hey, you’re missing

Missing all that love to give

Missing on that life to live

Hey, slow down

Hey, you’re grown now

Just think of what your Mom would say

Promise me that you will stay…

Longing for a simpler time

Heart of gold so I’ll be fine

Trying to get smarter

Recovering, it gets softer

Don’t die, don’t die, don’t die

Hey, you’re drifting

Hey, you’re missing

Missing all that love to give

Missing on that life to live

Hey, slow down

Hey, you’re grown now

Just think of what your Mom would say

Promise me that you will stay…

Coming down i’m finally free 

All the love is inside of me 

Don’t die, don’t die, don’t die

“That’s beautiful. You are a great writer. You can always write something and share it with me in here if that's a better way to express your emotions. I feel like I just got more insight from just that one piece.” He says.

“Thanks. I’m glad my therapist thinks I’m talented.” I laugh.

“I am serious about locking myself away in the mountains though. I think I have to really connect with nature in order to connect with myself again and write what I need write.” 

Session over. 

Home.

Waiting for John and Daniel to come over.

Need to figure out Halloween…

It’s already next week.

Burgers and Fries:

“This coke kind of burns when it hits but It def keeps you up”

I take a hit

“This is meth you idiot.”

I’ve tried my best to stay away

here we are.

Feels like hot sauce and razor blades

now I’m gonna be awake for days. 

At the club gotta bottle for free

not sure who paid for it

wasn’t gonna be me.

Some man is sucking on my feet

I got heels on

six inch heels, now they play my song. 

Fuck I want him inside of m.e

Suck his dick in the uber 

on the way to the after

he looks like The Boy From Brighton Beach 

but hotter.

My poor friend is next to me

kicked out of the party

my friends have to dress me.

Foot man is still beside me. 

He takes me home

Somehow now there is two guys in my bed

when they leave, I still can’t sleep

this is why you don’t do meth on Halloween.

A guy from Grindr comes knocking at the door

he finishes 

he leaves

I still need more.

I hit up an old friend who is down the street.

When we are fucking cum falls on the floor

“Dude that's not from me, who else have you been with tonight?”

This is so embarrassing. 

I get some rest

At home back in bed. 

Work

work all day. 

No sleep

But I still go out to play…

I black out 

wake up at a hotel near the airport.

Next to me 

oh my God…

He looks just like Jayden.

I panic 

wake him up

then I hear him speak

his English accent calms me. 

Relieved.

Did I really just have sex with five guys in a row?

Should I stay in this bed?

I think I should go..

I meet John at Runyan

but I packed mimosas in my bag.

“Let’s just go day drink instead”

Later that night, I met Jason…

Went home to change

but I remembered his name.

Rule #6388:

No meth on Halloween

maybe it’s time 

we get clean…

Why:

What is keeping me going?

What is keeping me alive?

My insides are rotted by

alcohol 

protein shakes

drugs

no more cigarette breaks.

What keeps me going?

What keeps me alive?

Fashion does 

when I am dressed and shot

I feel something

my friends

push me forward

my enemies stress me more.

I’m sure that I’m the toxic bitch in someone else's story.

Everyone has a different point of view. 

The truth is

there is no truth at all.

We just sit around and become our own downfall.

What keeps me going?

What is keeping me alive?

I booked a movie 

I get fitted in McQueen

my favorite designer

my first time on the screen.

When I get home from set

I lock my door

down a bottle of wine

I keep telling myself

everything’s fine.

What keeps me going?

What keeps me alive?

Poetry

art

amphetamine 

love

sex

soon I’ll be 23.

What does that mean to me?

I aspire to be confident.

I aspire to be symptom free... 

Week 8:

“I guess I just never thought this would happen to me. Ya know this whole depression thing… I’ve seen other people struggle but I’ve always been focused. I’ve always gotten whatever I set my mind to but on this part of the journey, I just feel so, well… defeated. I think about my life and the things I’ve done and the messes that I have made and sometimes I can’t even believe that was me.”

Live

Reflect

Create 

“I have always been so insecure about my image. I have to be in control of the way people perceive me, rather than just letting things go naturally. Maybe that’s why I love Jerome the way I do. The distance is safe for me, keeps me in control so he actually can’t see the real part of me. The dark parts.”

To be an artist to experience life through a completely different lens.

One that can magnify emotions and hyper zoom in. 

You could sleep with over 100 men

but the way you paint the image is all that matters in the end. 

“I used to make art in my parents' garage. I always felt inspired in the chaotic mess that surrounded me. The day my grandfather died I sat in the attic and wrote poetry and played the piano. As a twelve year old I had this understanding of the way words could create emotions and I knew how to channel that. You can sculpt words into so many beautiful forms of art. I used to write treatments for films and plays that I would perform in my head. When I got into fashion I made sure everything had a purpose, every color had intention. I’m not going to just post something for the sake of it, what I do is completely different.”

Love

do you dream one day to be in love?

Creativity is like period blood

you can either stop the flow

or let the course run. 

“Now that I am awake, I am taking into account all of the things that I’ve done and for the first time I can say I do not know what is next. I don’t have any plans right now, we just gotta fix what’s in my head. Then whatever happens next… happens next. I’m learning to let go of the things I can not control. Closer to God, closer to what’s in my soul.”

I am up against evil

I have battled so long

it is not quite over

I attracted them in during a darker time.

Now all that's left is to break the ties. 

Energy attracts energy.

If you are pulling in negative people

I have news for you…

How could YOU?

How could you?

HOW could you?

God:

Dear God,

Here we are again. Is it my anxiousness? Or are you my onl friend?

Who else can I speak to a quarter past three?

My heart won’t stop racing, in fear of what could be.

Is there anyone there? Anyone listening... I think about giving up , calling it a quits. 

Maybe I wasn’t really cut out for this.

I was born to create, but why does it come with pain? 

Like rainbows and sunshine, like the color pink

I surround myself with simple things to make me not think. 

Imagine a brick wall just ten feet tall, labeled fragile, caution to all.

I can not control what happens next.

I can not control anything.

I just do my best.

I don’t think I’m talking to God after all.

It’s me, myself just typing on glass

convincing Jakk, that it’s alright.

Let’s pray we get some sleep tonight…

J2:

I don’t think I’m attracted to you.

Can’t really see myself in love with you.

But you are safe.

I need proof 

I need truth.

When I’m in bed with you there is a calmness

and it's serene.

I think of you like the guys in a dream.

Distant and far from reality.

What do you like about me exactly?

I’m looking at you as a chess game move.

But the closer I get, the worse I feel.

I wanted to use you…

Maybe move in with you…

But I just can’t do that

No

you don’t deserve that.

I’m taking that old pattern back.

Jayden never had a problem using anyone.

But I just can’t do it.

I just

I just want real love.

another queen:

It’s not right that I lead you on.

I know, I know, I know.

Just trying to fill the hole in my soul.

If I can’t be with Manny

I'll look for him in you.

But he’s not there 

he never will be

you will never be him.

No one will be.

We go on cute dates and you make me smile and you text on breaks.

I don’t want to have sex.

But 

I’m going to keep leading you on because there’s no one else right now.

I just don’t feel so empty, how?

What I need isn’t another drag queen.

What I need is to sit by myself 

and focus on me.

Week 9:

“So I brought in this clicker I want to give you and I want you to try and count at least five things you like about yourself a day. Worth a try?” He asks me as he hands over the neon orange clicker.

Five things???

You know how hard that is?!?

I don’t know anything about myself I like.

I’m like a shell 

I used to like me 

now 

I know I have nothing.

“Okay I’ll start one right now. Umm, I’m creative.” I say… I can’t really think of much else.

Am I nice?

Am I smart? 

Kind?

I don’t know.

Am I a compassionate person?

Can I become one?

Am I a good listener?

I’m good at getting fucked.

This is hard.

This is hard.

“I can’t really do this right now. But I’ll finish it later when I get home I promise.” I say.

I'm never going to finish this list.

“I think I’m mortified of being a top because when I was ya know, a prostitute I was fucking this man who was like 70, we were down in Atlantic City. Anyway his asshole felt like a wet paper bag and ever since then I just can’t do it. His butt cheeks felt like paper, the grossest shit I’ve ever experienced. But then I would make him take me to the ATM and empty out a thousand or two so it was always worth it.” I say.

Oh God

now my therapist really knows too much.

I’m scared of what happens to me after he is gone.

I don't wanna hear the sound of that song.

“So John we only have a few sessions left but I think it’s best you stay in treatment. I scheduled an appointment for you to be in a male sexual assault survivors group. It’ll be all men like you for another twelve weeks. Okay?” He says.

“Yeah that’s fine.” I answer.

Another twelve weeks?!?

I panic 

I freeze.

I’m not sure if I can do that.

What’s the outcome if I don't? 

It can’t be that bad.

emergency: 

Well looks like I did it again.

Just when I thought 

cocaine and big dicks were my best friend.

Spent the night doing blow.

Deep throating a ten incher.

Feeling alone.

So my throat closed again.

Sick.

I get ill for a week.

No it’s not strep.

Gotta go to the emergency.

They drain the swelling

There is blood everywhere.

I sit for a few hours 

alone in this chair.

The doctor comes back in.

“Do you do drugs?” She asks.

“No of course not.” I say.

She looks to her colleague.

“Well he’s lying because his throat says different. I’m gonna need you to never do cocaine again… if that’s what it is.”

WHATTTTT????

Never again??? 

But … but

My only friend.

“What about deep throating?” I ask.

She turns back at me with a shocked face.

“I would say to keep it under 10 inches if you have too.         You’re sensitive and also get your tonsils removed.”

Well there goes my life… gone right before my eyes.

No more cocaine.

No more big dicks.

What else am I supposed to do? 

I look around the emergency room

there’s so much blood and pus that was vacuumed out of me.

What about life, what’s gonna happen to me?

It’s not about mental health anymore.

I really have to stay clean.

the battle:

Geared up and greased up

kiss him on the forehead

I wish him luck

he fights so hard

he fights so smart

every move seems rehearsed

what is his cause?

fighting the thing that he also he seeks?

Are you trying to take us down?

Seems like he wants the crown.

Round 2.

We’re both beaten and used.

His eyes tell me he’s already dead inside. 

I’m growing weak.

I’m too caught up in the boys mystique. 

He takes me down.

He takes my crown.

“Finally!!” He cheers and the crowd gets loud.

“All I’ve ever wanted was for a way in, to be adored and loved”

“Good bye now you’ll never see me again”

The boy vanished.

End.

fucking ugly:

Insecurity always gets the best of me

the mirror is my number one enemy.

I can’t see what they see.

The look my eyes give myself just screams and yells.

Not good enough

never enough.

The mirror says my loved ones hate me

that people only tolerate me cuz they think that I’m crazy.

Imagine a world where a selfie didn’t define your worth. 

Fuck instant validation.

Brainwashed, following the code, this isn’t how I want to leave this earth. 

Why is it the only time I even feel worth it is when I’m in     bed  with a stranger?

My self esteem must have left as a teen

survival mode all I ever known.

Only mission now is to create a home.

I wanna say that I love myself and actually mean it. 

Not just something I write so they read it.

Week 10:

I’m not sure if I am getting better.

What if all this work is for nothing?

I pray one day to feel something.

Didn’t know much about depression

I was just a kid who wanted a way in…

To be loved and loved in return. 

The memories still play, like an old movie

but not in a glamorous way..

“I think I still love Jayden. After telling you almost everything, there is a part of me that highlights the good. I remember being maybe seventeen? It was Christmas Eve, somehow I had gotten in a fight with my mother’s husband. He started screaming at me in the car, every racist and homophobic slur.  I tried so hard to keep my feelings in, I never understood how my mom could be in love with him. I mean after you’ve explained the cycle of abuse to me, it shined some light but I mean this man is such trash. Anyway we get back home and the fighting escalates, I’m being screamed at in my face for having not just a boyfriend but  a black boyfriend. Then he punches me in the face, starts screaming more. My sister tries to defend me and he throws a beer bottle at her head. My mom just cries and acts like there is nothing she can do. I hide out on my front porch and I chain smoke Marlboro Lights and wait for Jayden to come over. This was our first holiday officially as a couple. And this is where he comforted me as I cried.”

I pause

this memory

is one 

that forever stays close to me. 

“I laid my head on his lap and we tried to figure out why both of our mom’s stayed with such awful men. We drank moonshine from the fridge and we make pacts to never turn out like them. We got really drunk and the tears turn into laughter after a few hours pass. Jayden asked me to go down on him and then this part is how I knew our love was real... I guess it was the amount of moonshine I had but I threw up all over his lap instantly. He doesn’t yell at me and we laugh it off, I was mortified but he still comforted me. There is something so special about that night… Jayden saw me at my worst and he stayed by my side. I think our lives being so alike and sharing similar trauma is what kept us close. Was it even love? Or was it just shared abuse?”  I say.

“I think it could have been both.” He says

“How did you like group?” He asks. 

“I fucking hated it and I’m not going back. I was super anxious in that room. Yeah the therapists were very friendly and that is great but I couldn't handle it I just got super uncomfortable. Plus it is centered on not talking about what happened and just your symptoms? It’s not for me, I don’t want to fail you but I am not going to continue.” I say. 

Maybe I am never going to get better.

Group made me so anxious.

Even though those men have been through the same thing. 

I don’t want to be labeled as some kind of victim. 

Honestly I’m very much over this whole process. 

My friend said therapy is where artists go to die. 

Well here I am, and I still won’t die.

Got it tatted on my knuckles now 

“Don’t Die”

I look down and I remind myself

to keep myself alive

long enough to one day say goodbye. 

No I don’t think that I’ll be fine, can’t be alone if you’re alive. 

Shared trauma and love

that’s what it was.

But we were young…

And it was us. 

I pray in two more weeks,

I’m over this.

Because I know you are over me. 

“No man shall ever have power over me, I don’t care how     high the wall I build is. This is how it will be.” 

End, end scene. 

Week 11:

Only one more week

then what?

I’m on my own to do what? 

I’m terrified of coming un-done.

“Every time things in my life start going well, the floor just falls out from under me and I’m in free fall again. I don’t want to be in free fall anymore I want stability. I’m scared.” I say

“Why are you scared? Just look how far you have come, look how much you have been able to share with me in our time together. To be very honest someone is going to be really lucky to have you in their life one day and it is probably going to take them maybe six months of getting to know you before you show them the real you. And that the real you is beautiful, though you have walls and alter egos and you have done what you have to do to survive, John you have a beautiful soul. And when you get up every single day you should love yourself so much, you have so much to offer this world and it is only just beginning.” He says.

My mind goes blank.

I just can’t begin to thank.

No one has ever seen all those parts of me

and said those things. 

Suddenly I do think I love myself…

I do. 

“I’ve just been through so much and this year it felt like I just woke and all of those things were somewhat of a dream. I know somebody will love me one day and I would love to be in love with Manny one day even though I can’t have sex with him right now... It doesn’t even matter who I end up with because for the first time I am going to say this out loud and mean it. I love myself, I have never loved myself ever and because of you and because of this time we have spent together I can say that and mean it. That is a gift I can’t ever thank you enough for.” I start to cry and try and finish my words.

“You gave that gift to yourself! And look you almost started crying! You can cry, maybe it just isn’t safe for you to do so. And that’s okay!" He says.

I look at both of my feet placed on the ground. 

They are planted firmly and I stop to think before I make another sound.

I’ve finally had the breakthrough I had been hoping for.

What do I do now that I know?

Self love

and I feel so powerful. 

Relapse:

Tricking is like a drug to me

I have been so good so clean

but I have no money 

no money to go home for Christmas.

My family I want to see

Jerome I want to meet…

Flights last minute are 1,500

I’ve blown through my bank account.

Drugs, parties, bar tabs, clothes and food

Where did it all go? 

What happened to the boy I once knew. 

Back to square one, I know how to use my body

and I get what I want.

I find a man

ugly as shit

says he will pay for my flight home 

I just have to sit.

Sit at his home and suck on his dick.

In the bathroom I shower, shave, and douche. 

I feel myself getting into character.

That boy I once knew. 

Justin is back. 

Sex is my crack. 

I thought I buried the hatchet on this?

Is there ever going to be a moment when I can really quit?

I fake gag  on his little old man dick

He says out loud, “Yeah you like my big cock?”

Big? Where?

This man should feel thankful to have me on him right now

I’m a fucking model.

But tonight my body is no longer free.

Hmmm…

Kind of the same thing as modeling..

Right?

You never really own your body.

Everything is prostitution

I do what I have to do

I get the ticket

flight is booked

now I can surprise my mom

She will be so proud of me…

She will have no idea.

And that’s okay with me.

Anxiousness down:

I don’t feel that anxious anymore

I’m still leading leading this one boy on.

He brought me soup when I was sick with coke flu.

Starting to talk to Jason more

and I haven’t heard from Manny

That’s my own fault too. 

Now I can finally meet Jerome when I get home.

This is it 

I think to myself

The fairy tale ending to a life made of shit. 

Everything has to be perfect..

What if he really is the man of my dreams?

During the shortest days I found myself more time.

To think.

To breathe. 

The air got colder but somehow my heart got warmer.

A life full of turbulence was nearing a dawn of innocence.

The sun is starting to rise.

I feel the warmth against my face for the very first time…

Week 12:

This is it, I’ve made it to my last session. 

Now what?

What happens after this?

“I’m just going over your papers here and I have the same one you filled out when we started and the one from last week. Compared to the beginning your anxiety has dropped a lot, but your depression seems so have gotten worse.” He says. 

“Well I mean let’s at least celebrate that right?!” I laugh nervously. 

Will I ever be depression free?

How do I rid the stains inside of me?

I still want to die sometimes 

but I can’t let him know that

don’t want to fail

anyone

I just want to be free.

I used to wait for you like the flowers wait for June.

Now I have my own roots

fed from a storm your lungs once blew. 

Now everyday ain’t like December. 

The warmest I’ve felt in forever. 

Life is only getting better.  

“I really am so proud of you John. I think you are going to do something amazing with your life and I can’t wait to see you shine. Though, in public we can’t really acknowledge each other if you say hello first, I won’t stop you. You should be so proud of all the progress you have made, just think back to that day we first met in here… You are far from that person now. And you are only going to keep getting better and achieving more and more I know that.” He says.

I can’t not let him be proud of me.

I can’t tell him about the drugs

that I just fucked a new client 

and I got my flight for free…

He is so proud of my recovery...

But just as I got better, I took three steps back you see. 

This shit isn’t linear

and there is no formula for happy me. 

All I know

is all that matters

is the love you give

and the love you receive.

As long as everything I do comes from a place of love

as long as I stay authentic to myself

everything that happens is what's meant to be.

“Thank you so much, truly, for everything” I say as I leave.

I’ve spent so much time walking through my trauma

shit I didn’t even know it was trauma…

Until I unpacked and said it out loud…

Now, I’m ready to make it sound.

One of these days

I’ll write it all down.

Ariana said it best with every lyric of No Tears Left To Cry..

I listen to that track 

and I know that I'll be fine. 

Christmas 2018:

This holiday is a lot different than the last.

I’m not strung out leaving a bath house.

Not with some random for cash

I’m on a red-eye to New Jersey.

Suddenly I let go of everyone who’s ever hurt me.

I hope my Mom is happy to see me.

Had to bring back my old act,  just be seen.

Calm, I feel calm.

Maybe LA isn’t where I am meant to be.

I feel so much better every time I leave.

There are butterflies in my stomach 

and they scream Jerome’s name.

Finally I get home and walk in the house I grew up in.

Seeing my mom burst to tears almost makes my numb heart feel something.

I look around the room and a flood of memories hits me like a tidal wave.

I see her husband and I think of everything.

I see the place where Jayden and I first had sex.

I think of when I had to run from this.

But I do not panic.

I do not freeze.

I just smile and fake everything.

For I am excited 

and I am happy to be

Somewhere that is a “home”

even as broken as that seems.

It’s the only one I’ve ever known.

When I return to my roots, I always have to deal with everything I’ve ever been through.

I can complain

and I can talk shit

but if you ever did

you’d have to get hit.

I deal with flashbacks everyday but it’s such a different feeling when you’re actually in that place where it all happened.

The pain in my back starts it’s throbbing.

Go down to the local dive 

I take three shots of Casamigos with my sister. 

Getting calmer.

Now we have a big family dinner.

I'm just gonna go out to the city,

maybe I'll find someone that's still winning.

green hair:

Blacked out again

back in Philly.

This time I wake upon a stranger’s bed.

Look over and I see your green hair, I'm dead. 

We make out again

we start fucking again.

You’re hot

but I don't have a clue

exactly sir 

who are you?

You look familiar 

Have we fucked before?

“You don’t remember when me and your ex fucked you at that bath house?” He says.

Oh my god I do.

Wow.

We cum on each other, smoke a cigarette and cuddle.

Got a bus to catch if I want to meet Jerome.

If I don't, might just end it all.

I can’t believe I forgot we had sex

And he said we had sex for hours last night too.

His name was Ricky.

His hair was neon green.

And I felt so warm 

when he was inside of me.

His energy was perfect and free

something that I aspire to be.

But I guess it’s just another one night fling.

But one I’ll remember this time.

Forever, green.

No Jerome:

Missed the bus

almost threw up.

Haven’t been this hungover since the day my ex boyfriend and I broke up.

On the subway back to my Mom's house

I'm feeling the whole world starting to crash down.

Open Grindr just to browse.

I’m getting off at Ashland and the first thing I see is Jayden looking right at me.

So I click on his IG…

I guess he unblocked me and

I see everything I don‘t want to.

A new boy, blonde, white, and blue eyes.

Fuck he even has the same name as me.

Oh he’s so different, he doesn’t need the H.

But who are you?

And why do I feel this way?

I just got fucked all night and now I’ve missed out on meeting a love of my life.

They’re all gone.

They’re all gone.

I get home, eat a veggie diablo with my mom.

I show her my phone, show her new ***.

How the fuck is he a Sagittarius too?

Like I just want to show up at Jayden's house and scream.

If you wanted me, I’m here, don’t try and replace me.

Weren’t you the one who wrote a song about how I’ll search for you in everyone?

Wow…

Maybe that was about you.

The sun falls down.

I’m ready to get out of this town.

I start drinking old booze in the kitchen.

I do a drive by his house in the pick up truck and I scream from the top of my lungs.

“Tell me God, why did you choose us?” I scream again.

At the end of the day Jayden was my closest friend.

And losing him will haunt me till the end.

I head to the bar and catch up with my friend Brandon.

For the first time I’m honest about what my year has been.

How I lost my boyfriend Jayden, tried to kill myself, did too many drugs, and left Manny on a shelf.

That everything was hard and to the outside world I made it so perfect, none of it, none if it was worth it.

I miss Philly, I miss New Jersey, but I’m afraid of everything that hurt me.

Drinks turn to shots I catch up with everyone on the block.

How I’ve missed these friends so much…

I get in the car before the sun comes up…

Right before I get dropped off I make a call.

“Hey” He says right away.

*sniffling my nose and wiping my eyes*

“Jayden can you just pick me up, I’m at my mom's right now and I don't want to be here anymore.”

That’s the only thing I remember I saying.

I wake up blacked out in my bed.

The phone log says we talked for almost 3 hours.

I have so many of my thoughts to gather.

LA isn’t where I want to be.

Not ready to go back.

I’m ready to be clean.

January:

Sober as I’ve ever been. 

I spend the month trying to focus on me and

ready myself for London Fashion Week.

Jayden is sending me videos of himself jerking off.

I have to pretend like I’m not turned on.

I spend nights on the phone with him, he says he’s so alone and that’s something I can relate to.

“Where is your boyfriend? Isn’t this his job?” I ask.

“He’s not my boyfriend I promise.” He says.

“Whatever you say, I hope you having fun with the less hot version of me.” I say as we both laugh.

“Don’t get me started on the boys you’ve been with. Your new boo looks like Janis Ian.” He says.

I snap photos of me on set.

Wearing Thom Browne 

I feel like I did this without him..

And now he’s back?

He’s sad he can’t be with his band.

“So when are you gonna come see me?” I ask.

“Let me figure out the dates.” Jayden responds.

Now it’s almost February. 

What is going on?

why:

I flew into Denver on account of emergency. 

My sister said someone was in her house with a gun.

We settle the drama

and we go out to have fun.

I meet a boy named Skyler and he takes me up to the mountains.

We fuck in his car, suddenly we get snowed in.

I’m freezing to death waiting for a tow truck.

We wake up the next morning, I feel so safe in his arms.

When we fuck he asks “In you or on you?”

Wow he has class

I want this moment to forever last.

He is the first man that makes me forget.

Usually when I’m with someone all I see is Jayden.

And now, I could even forget his name.

He convinced me to go on a mini road trip.

I cancel my work week.

Praying that no one sees me.

His car breaks down about an hour in and we end up staying at one of his friends. 

Abort mission.

I feel at home in his arms.

I’m starting to think this is where I belong.

I wake up to three missed calls from J.

I kiss Skyler goodbye and get on a flight to LA.

Jayden calls me again when I’m at TSA.

“Why did you call me last night?  I was with someone…”

I ask.

“I was just drunk and calling my friends, wanted someone to talk to.” He says.

“Oh so we friends? Hold on a sec I gotta put my shoes and shit  in the bin” I say.

*my phone goes through the X-ray where I’m sure J is still talking to me*

“Where are you right now?” He asks as he laughs so loud.

“I’m at the airport heading back home… and I think I’m in love.” I explain.

“Airport? What, why? And in love? Yeah I’m sure, you said that about Manny. You probably just got good dick and attention for the first time since me.” He says.

“Shut up, I know this time it is something it’s so different. And I was in Denver trying to help my sister and then I met this dude he wanted to do this drive to move some product, and yes when we fucked, for the first time I didn’t close my eyes and think of you.” I slur into the phone.

“Jack listen to me you are hilarious and I love you but you are dickmatized. And where is the dog?” He asks.

“I had to rehome her to pay for fillers.” I say.

Jayden starts laughing uncontrollably.

“This is why I love you, I gotta go. Let me know when you get back to LA.”

I have no idea who I’m meant to be with anymore

but I got some head in the bathroom on the way back.

That helped calm my anxiety attack.

Who would ever even want to be with me?

I’m just trash.

born and raised in Jersey.

done:

Sitting on the bathroom floor.

My symptoms are bad.

I’m so far from home right now and I just want to scream. 

Why does this always happen to me?

I call Jayden.

“Trouble in London?” He says, when he answers the phone and can hear me crying.

“When I get back I think I’m going to leave LA, I can’t do it anymore. I need to connect with myself again and focus on my art. I fucking hate the people I live with and now I’m on the phone crying to my ex boyfriend because I know you will give me the advice I need and you know how to listen to me. I’m going to head to Colorado, I think I can stay with this guy or my sister, I just really need to be around family.” I’m trying my best not to cry to get my words out.

“I think you need that. Go be with people who love you,  I can’t imagine living with people you don’t like. You did what you had to do and it’s okay to move on.” He says to me and I start to breathe.

“Can you still come out here before I leave? I just wanna  have fun on the beach.” I ask.

“We do have a lot of fun together, I still have to see I’m trying to finish recording this EP. But I would like to come. I hope this move is good for you.” He says.

“I hope so too, I gotta get up off the floor and go out to eat but thanks for listening to your crazy ex again. Tell your boyfriend I send my best.” I say and start to laugh.

“I told you he’s not my boyfriend for the last time, and yeah of course you know you can always call me. I’ll let you know when I’m coming soon.” He laughs as we both say goodbye and hang up the phone.

Well that’s it.

It’s over.

It’s really over.

When I get back to the states.

Everything is going to change.

blonde boy gone:

I want to get rid of my fake ass name, the one that I created from a place of pain.  I just feel so detached from Jakk, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to give that back.

I could go by John, or Jack.  

Whatever gets/ but not whack.

I know I’m leaving in a month so part of me feels like I’m giving up.

What if this isn’t meant to be?

Anxiety gets the best of me.

I head out to the bars on Santa Monica and go home with the first guy that asks me.

Blonde hair, high cheekbones, he reminds me of the old me.

I mean if I’m about to leave this town I might as well go out with a bang.

Literally…

We have great sex and we go back out dancing at Mickey's.

The room is neon blue with go go boys on the white bar tops too.

We decide to fuck again behind the dumpster outside.

That’s when I realize

I’m a dumpster inside.

Here I am, getting fucked in the alley and all I can think is I wish my ex was inside of me.

What would he even think of this scene?

I’m just going to black out again tonight.

What else am I supposed to do with life?

powder:

I made the choice on NYE, no more powder.

Nothing up my nose, I want to be clean.

I’ve been drinking a lot and I see my body change.

I think about the next act of life.

I want meaning, I want to pave my lane.

I pray every single night now when I’m home alone.

Locked in my bedroom with God on the phone.

I chased something that I thought I wanted but I was still broken, so we never got it.

You can get anything you want in life when you put in the work, but if you don’t heal what is inside none of it has worth. 

What is my worth?

It’s more than this…

My life is bigger and bolder than the 150 men that I’ve been with.

My past doesn’t define me, it isn't who I am.

I’ve survived so much and now I’m ready to touch the ground.

I used to be so smart and so keen until I got obsessed with fake digital screens. 

I was always good enough for everything I dreamed I could be.

Life gets in the way sometimes but talent never leaves.

What is my next act?

What happens after this?

Will I forever been in a constant state of change?

Jumping and running, or am I learning and sewing?

Sewing the fabric of my life back together with thread made of gold and leather, making the terry cloth patches into a painting again.

The painting says to me John, you’ve always had this in you.

You were always complete and you never needed any fixing.

You searched the world for validation but nothing was missing.

So what happens now?

Am I ready to move on and make my inner child proud?

I have to ask myself these questions and speak them out loud.

The colors you see in the visions at night, they all have a purpose… make them shine bright.

death:

When I’ve tried to kill myself, it was usually behind the wheel.

Swerving into the other lane, driving the wrong way, or flooring it towards a poll.

If it looks like an accident, it's not my fault at all.

I might even make the news, my name in a headline with nothing left to prove.

I fantasize about my funeral.

Who is going to be there? Who is going to cry?

What will be said about me when I leave this life?

I lead with kindness every day.

Doing my best to put a smile on someone’s face because it’s been so long since I haven’t felt pain.

All I want from life is for people to understand my intentions come from love.

I’ve made mistakes, and I have royally messed up; but I have never tried to hurt anyone.

I understand how the demon came into my life and what that energy means.

The demon isn’t anyone, the demon was me.

When you spiral out, you attract the same energy.

I’m reverting back to who I was before my youth was stole from me.

Before I learned the power of sex and what I could get for free…

But none of it was ever really free...

It cost me every part of my sanity.

Gaining that back now, I have to guard who gets closer to me.

The dream isn’t over, the dream has changed.

I don’t want to be another strung out beauty fighting for my time.

I just want to be happy and I want to be fine.

I say this now because I’m sober as could be. 

Let’s see how I feel at a quarter past three.

I’ll throw away my integrity and let the wrong person inside of me.

I’ve had so many shots handed directly to me but I couldn’t get up that leather studded hill, because I was ignoring the fact that I’m mentally ill. Now I have to stand in that light and do what's best for me.

I pray, I pray, to be symptom free.

duality:

Sometimes I think that I am evil.

Or am I just messy?

What is messy?

That could be anything…

I want to clean up my act.

I want to be in love with me.

Taking shots at the bar turns into my friend breeding me in the bathroom.

I only feel bad cuz his boy was there too.

If someone did that to me, I would cry and run away.

Maybe that’s why I can’t seem to make a man stay.

I leave this city next week.

I end up sleeping at this boys house and fucking all night.

I think I came maybe three times. 

Everything is going to be fine.

People:

“People, and by people I mean those pushy “just cheer up” people... but people love to tell me things about my own illness. I still don’t even understand this shit. But I do understand the way my body reacts. Let’s start with the physical pain. I’m in the back of a car right now, my face is throbbing (under my eyes is where it gets bad) my neck is locked and my throat is starting to swell in reaction to stress like it always does. I was in the hospital three times for that for that in the last six months (well once due to dick)... but I don’t look like I have a disability right? I blend in, I’m “beautiful” that’s all I ever hear. People refuse to believe how much pain I’m in on the inside because of my image and now I sound like an asshole for admitting that. If only I had a dollar for every time a man tried to tell me I’m too good looking to ever feel this way, that I should be more grateful for what I've been given. But exactly what have I been given? Great genes? That have blessed me with blonde hair and blue eyes? I just can’t grasp the way people think vanity is everything. Not everyone is beautiful, there are a lot of people that have to try super hard to get half as far as I have in life and that’s okay. What isn’t okay is to undermine my illness, my intelligence, or my boundaries.  

I’m a twenty-three year old human. I’m battling this internally but I’m sick. I get physically sick all the time when assholes trigger the part of my brain that reminds me of how many time my body has been used as fuck puppet for old ass men that never deserved to breathe the same air as me.

When people focus on my image it reminds me of the character I created to escape the fact that I lost my virginity to molestation but I loved it. When you grab my ass, smirk at me, and tell me I should smile more;  I think of when I was nineteen and taken out of a bar and fucked unconscious high on drugs in my own house.

So please tell me how beautiful I am and that I am selfish to feel what I feel. Tell me it’s not that deep one more time and I swear on my loved ones I’ll check out tonight. But I won’t because my mother is still too broken from her own trauma in life that me doing that would take her down as well. As I type this the pain in my jaw is getting tighter and I’m itching to get into my bed turning off the lights and pretending that just for the next hopefully eight hours I do not exist. That’s all I want is my bed, silence, and darkness. When I’m sleeping the images stop. When I’m sleeping there is no one passing judgment on my body and I belong to myself. I’m in control of my dream world and in control of my body. 

“Oh but you’re a model, you’re so lucky, so many people want what you have.” I could go the rest of my life without ever hearing that shit again.”

fuck you frank:

When you saw me walking home and asked if I wanted a ride, why didn’t you just say you just wanted to fuck?

I let you sit on my couch so you could sober up, why didn’t you say you just wanted to fuck?

Now you ask if you can just sleep over because it is late, why didn’t you say you just wanted to fuck?

I’m getting changed in my room and suddenly you are behind me trying to grab my ass, what the fuck?

“Get the fuck out.” I say.

Then you cry “No please I didn’t mean it like that.”

Boy this whole time you’ve been wasted and I’ve been nice because that’s the kind of person I am.

But you didn’t care about me.

You just wanted to fuck.

Well you can go fuck yourself Frank because I’m not that weak anymore.

I’m learning how to stick up for myself.

Learning to love myself.

Don’t cry just because I won’t fuck you.

Cry because you still don’t know what consent is and blame it on being a Gemini rich kid.

goodbye jayden:

I stayed up all night with you on the phone, crying.

You promised you would come see me before leaving.

But I realized that’s probably not a great idea.

I have no intentions of ever being with you again.

Why did I think we could be friends?

Somehow you always know how to comfort me, but you also make me relive the memories.

I see how happy you are with new *** and I just can’t take that.

So I texted you to let you know I have to block your number and social media for the sake of my sanity.

Nothing is wrong, I’ll love you forever but it’s just not something I can see.

I think it’s best to never speak again.

We try again to be friends sending each other memes but we end up just sending nudes.

You are one of  my soulmates but sometimes soulmates are too hot to touch.

What we did to each other wasn’t fair...

But what I have to do now is be gone.

Aware.

I hold nothing against you Jayden, forever and always, I hope  our peace stays remained.

The antagonist of my life story was never you.

The antagonist was trauma…

Kids coping with drugs and sex, just running from their issues.

I’m at an understanding of everything we’ve been through.

There is no evil when it comes to you.

Just love, love that was misunderstood.

vocal rest:

Sick.

Very sick.

But I’ve been through worse.

My last days in LA.

I guess God doesn’t want me to party.

I feel like I’m going to rehab.

Away

I’m going away

from the crazy.

No clubs, no glamour.

What does that mean?

I can’t even talk

feels like my throat is closing.

So this is all I have.

Better than screaming out loud?

I wanna walk around naked.

But I live near a school I’d go to jail.

I was always in survival mode

I didn’t care about choices

I just went.

I’m nervous

anxious.

worried.

I need to not give a fuck.

That’s what.

But I do....

In the back of my mind I think “is this the right move?”

I fucking hate my roommate.

Blasting shit music.

She calls all art by black people “ratchet” she’s the worst            kind of racist.

When I bring that up she counts her black friends for me.

Puts on her fav hip hop cd, no diggity.

We all know that story.

I hear Def Leppard from my bed.

This is why Floridians don’t deserve rights.

Okay.

I’m making the right move.

Reality: 

I’m not always gonna be in this place

not always gonna look this way.

The city seems to forget what reality is. 

Insecure always see the worst cuz it’s the only way to feel valid.

I can be anything.

A million different sides coexist within one simple being

but sometimes I feel too deeply.

Over analyze every thought that I think.

The things I would do to be next to you.

One thing people refuse to is told hold themselves accountable      too.

I apologize for I was only healing, I was just growing 

changing again, for the sake of survival, you do what you need.

No one has all the answers.

I’m far from where I wanna be

but years from where I used to be.

I was just a kid.

Just wanted a way in.

To feel love and be loved in return.

I found it in every single one of them.

But the whole world stopped when I found it in me.

last:

It was only noon when we left the gym.

At your place we fuck and when it first goes in,

I look into your eyes and I see everything.

Flashes of my past, present, future all at once.

Grabbing you by the face and kissing you with my love.

We just met right before this moment, an hour later round one is over.

Cuddled in the sweat next to you…

Looking into your eyes that are the size of the moon.

“When I was fourteen my uncle molested me.” He says.

“I think about when I told my family they all chose his side, my mom was never on my team. Never there for me. Had to be on my own ya know? It was hard…

Sorry I was just thinking about it earlier. We can go back to fucking.” He tells me.

I think of our parallels here… I feel safe here.

So vulnerable a stranger can be.

You can tell everything to someone the first time you meet.

“You’re really brave… you should know that. Nothing that happened was your fault, you know that right?” I say.

“Yeah I know.” He says and leans in to kiss me.

We start going again and I feel like I’m having sex with an old friend.

Hours go by and it never gets boring.

Every position, every emotion.

I’m still processing what should be commotion.

We shoot a load at the same time and smile because that’s what feels right.

“I wish we could have met before today. I’m literally leaving for Colorado in a few days.” I tell him.

“For what?” He asks.

“Two things… the first I thing, if I stay here I’ll probably end up dead of either a drug overdose or suicide. I really want to be with my sister right now because I’m afraid for my life. Second thing is I really want to write a book. I’ve had this dream for a while where I go away, hide from everything I know and write away.” I respond.

“What’s the book about?” He asks.

“I’m not exactly sure yet.” I say.

I know it will come to me, I know it will.

We go for round three.

I’ve been in this boys bed all day.

I’ve gotten nothing accomplished but we’ve shared our hearts and bodies, I wish this was often.

This time he ties me up, confined and I have nothing but trust.

This boy wears his heart and his sleeve and has shared with me everything.

I’ve never told a hook up how I think about killing myself.

We finish again.

I just came three times and we just met.

“You prob gotta go soon. I live with this older guy, kind of like a sugar daddy and he gets off work in a few.”

He tells me.

Sugar daddy? I’m having flashbacks of me.

“You about that life?” I say jokingly.

“Well kind of, I started tricking when I was just a teen. And I guess I never could really escape it. Especially with my family turned against me.” He says.

My jaw hits the floor.

We share the same trauma, I think of everything and more.

He starts walking me to the door.

In my head, I’m in my head.

I can’t believe how we are the same and we just met.

He might be the most important man I’ve ever had sex with.

“So what is your book going to be about?” He asks.

“I think you just inspired it.” I tell him.

“Oh yeah, so what does that mean? It’s about me?” He laughs.

“It’s about sex, it’s about shared trauma, professional sex, abusive sex, and well meaningless sex. But mostly, I think it’s going to be about survival… it was really nice spending the day with you.” I say.

“You too, hope I see you again one day.” He says.

We kiss…

I leave.

Now here I am…

I’m in Colorado right now.

In the town of Westcliffe to be specific.

It is the middle of fucking nowhere

and I just wrote a book, I did exactly what I wanted to do.

I can break the fourth wall now and talk directly to you in present time.

Sex…

There was three kinds of sex in my life.

Professional, Abusive, and Meaningless.

So what’s next?

What happens now?

Will there ever be sex that means something to me?

Am I worried about who I’ll end up with one day?

I used to be.

But that’s not something I can think about right now...

I’m alone with my thoughts here and I have time to breathe.

I have time to think and time to heal.

As an artist you have one chance to be as honest as possible no matter how hard or ugly the truth may be, the truth will always set you free.

Writing this project saved my life. 

I’m far from fashion right now but I’ve never been closer to what is right.

What is meant for me is to continue writing and healing what’s inside of me.

When I leave this poetry retreat, I’ll return to my home.

The one I’ve been so afraid of.

The one that forced me to pack up and run.

With a new found confidence and a new found love.

I’ve never been so in love…

With who you might ask?

With me, I can’t wait to just be in love with me.

Praying and getting closer and closer to the truth.

Nothing was ever wasted, not even my youth.

I stare into the mountains on the front porch of this cabin. 

I drink iced coffee and I eat a snack.

My happiness, it starts to form like a rainbow from a storm..

I wonder to myself…

Why have you been gone for so long? Stay here with me now, please… I’m off the merry go 'round and leaving Nowhere Land.

Happiness stands with me; hand in hand.