MEMORIES OF HOME 

'Smelly Shelly' 'Smelly Shelly’ Why? As a small grin appears I wonder why.  I have my I-phone playing my music ‘Somebody that I Used to know’ by Gotye  is playing loudly.   Pathetic really.  I have a playlist of soppy, lovey dovey songs that make me feel like this.  I really need to change to my heavy metal playlist.  I’m glancing out of a small window over what looks like ocean wondering just how many things will be different when I’m home.  It feels like I’ve been gone for so long.  I’m thinking things will have to be different surely.  We are thirty thousand feet in the air, so exact features of the earth below are hard to recognize, but yes, that does look like small white crests of waves in a hazy blue.  Ok ocean still.  I take a deep breathe.  Still a long way to go on this plane, still a long time for me to think about my life so far.  

I had other nicknames that I didn't mind.  Cory would call me Jelly Bean.  Years later when I asked why he told me ‘coz jelly beans are my favorite sweet thing.’  I was only sixteen when he told me this so I actually thought it was sort of cute ‘and jelly rhymes with Shelly, der.‘   Dad tended to call me Bub, after all I was the baby of the family, and no matter how old I am I will always be his baby I suppose.  Matt would call Shelly shadow, because that was what I was - Matts shadow, like everywhere he went.  Mum and Lissie just called me Shell.  I decided it must be a boy thing.  Why I was thinking of the torment Brett caused with ‘smelly shelly’ every afternoon on the local school bus journey home, I wasn't sure.  Just like many of the thoughts of home, most good ones, some bad ones.   Why I just didn't make a name back that rhymed with his name I'll never know.  Even if I had I was way too shy to have ever called kids names or tease anyone.  Well here I am, a school teacher I should be able to think of something that rhymes.... but no damn I still can’t.  

I wondered what Brett is up to now, he was from a nice family, he only ever called me a name, silly names should not of worried me, most kids use cute funny little names with one and other, I think I must of been a bit sensitive, also I certainly didn’t think I smelt!  He probably had the perfect opportunity to tease me seeing I use to sit up the front of the bus anxiously waiting for the older school kids to jump aboard so my big sister Lissie could plonk down beside me and give me her usual caring smile.  That is when Brett would go quite, sit and look out the window, glancing over to catch my eye, eagerly waiting to poke his tongue out or make a stupid face, he probably wanted me to laugh but I took it quite seriously.  All the other kids were happy to head towards the back of the bus, happy to chatter and muck around, but not little Shelly.

Lissie was sixteen, studying hard but was always kind and patient with me and would always asked me if everything was ok?  When Matt, my big brother got on the bus he would try to flick Brett's head, knowing he probably had been teasing me.  I think Brett actually enjoyed this, I think he like getting Matt’s attention, even if it was a clip around the ear-hole.  "Sticks and stones Shell” Matt would whisper to me as we jumped off the stairs of the bus,“that is what mum would say if she was here, you’ll be ok.”  Mum wasn't always around, it wasn't because she didn't want to be.  She loved her children dearly, she would tell me that Dad and us three kids are her world.  Her sun, her moon and her earth.  I asked her what that meant, she spoke softly while she embraced me - “The suns rays sink into my skin warming my heart especially when I feel cold.  The moon lights up my pathway in my times of darkness, and earth for all its colours.  Like colours of rainbows, sunshowers, storm clouds, red dirt and leaves that change colour with seasons.   But my favourite is blue.  Blue like deep oceans, or the blue right up until the sky disappears.  That’s how much I love you lot.”  

She couldn't help that she had been sick and was in and out of hospital.  Normally she would of been at work, she would of drove me every morning and then drove me home every afternoon, she was one of the local school teacher at my school, and the best teacher and mother anyone could of had.  Mum was a very popular teacher even parents would transfer their kids to our school, some parents were happy to drive the distance just so their kids could be in my mums class.  She also tutored kids with learning difficulties either in her classroom or sometimes at home.  She had a special way of teaching.  Maybe it was her soft understanding voice or the way she could explain things, the way children hear things, I could never work it out but knew that this is who I wanted to be like when I grew up.

We went to a small school in a small town where everyone knew everything about everyone else so maybe my mum did know that Brett teased me and thought I needed to toughen up, it didn't bother me that much, well I didn’t think it worried me that much.... maybe it did.

The town was mainly made up of farmers, people whose farms had been passed down with generations, people who had seen a lot of change over the years, sometimes accepting change sometimes sticking with the old fashion.  Some of the buildings had been renovated at street level, but had kept their authenticity above, this is where I had learnt to always look up, I appreciated the beauty held within old timber and wrought iron.  Every spare bit of land had some kind of fruit, vegetable or animal growing on it, and when spare land came up for sale, suddenly a new little house would emerge and a city family would join our community, the school was not going to stay small forever, and the high school was growing larger by the minute.

Sitting here thinking about the past made me feel happy.  ‘Home’ by The Falls was playing.  I smiled, I had had a great childhood.  I had felt secure in our little town.  I should never of turned my back on it for so long.  Did I make a big mistake leaving? Maybe I can bring something back to it, teach the kids to venture out and see how other people live, then they will learn to appreciate what is right under their feet, and love it dearly.   Why was I feeling so emotional?  If I knew then what I know now, how he made me feel, and how I left it all, just up and left, would I of gone.  Don’t be stupid Shell of course I had to go or I would of never known these feelings obviously.  But what if I never find that sort of love again?  Lets face it, I don’t think I’ve ever given up on him loving me, but after all these years Cory has got on with his life.  I suppose I must move forward too, accept the here and now, not base my life around what I had and what I let go of, no matter how hard it is going to be.  

I should of however said how I felt back then.  I should of asked him to wait. I should of asked him to come with me.  I wasn't even sure how I felt, I had nothing to compare him to, so even maybe then I was questioning if I had the right to ask him to wait for me, he hadn't had anyone else to compare me to either, so how had he known that I was his one and only.  This was the times in my life that I wish I had my mum, I then found a tear rolling down my cheek.  I wiped it quickly hoping no one else on the plane had seen it.

The school bus use to stop right out front of our property where we all got off.  Going up our driveway was a shortcut for Cory.  He had a long driveway that weaved around a big pond, our swimming hole in summer, that is if you didn’t mind swimming with the occasional snake or eel.  His house was across the paddock so he would get out at our place where he could weave his way thru the cane fields to his place.  Sometimes he would wait for Matt to ask him up to the house, or suggest an activity for us all to do a bit later.  He would cut thru our cane fields, thru his paddock which had cattle grazing on it, always carefully sneaking under the electric fence and always checking to see if the old bull wasn't around to chase him.  

Most times we would wait on the front balcony, watching, laughing at this boy running for his life across the grassy paddocks screaming for his life, with the giant big bull chasing him, he would then go to his balcony and wave back signalling he had made it, smiling from the chase.  I smiled and giggled to myself, “come on Shell, lets help Dad with the chores” Matt would say as he swung his arm over my shoulder, this was one of my happy memories, they always seem to include Cory, great childhood memories, not sad ones until I got bit older.  Later towards the end of Matt and Cory's school years, Matt would go straight from school to the boat shed where he had a part time job, which would leave just me and Cory on the bus. 

“I’ll walk you to your house Jelly Bean ok?” Cory would say confidently.   

“Do you want to come in for a cuppa, have a chat with Dad, I can help you with your homework?” I would say cheekily.  

Most times he would stay, sit and chat to dad, sometimes he would get his homework out and get me to help him.  I think he knew what he was doing, he was not dumb, maybe just a little lazy like boys are, or maybe he just wanted the company.  He didn’t have a dad around, I knew he really enjoyed my Dad’s gentle way.  I was starting to enjoy Cory’s company.  He was becoming one of my best friends, not a boyfriend, just a boy who is a friend.   

Our land was reasonably flat with a few gentle hills, with one larger more beautiful hill that rose above the rest.  On top stood a giant Morton Bay Fig tree.  That tree sat majestically above all the other trees on our land, and under this tree was my favorite place on all of the property.  It would groan and creak like it was speaking to me, the sun would filter light thru it's leaves, I would look up and close my eyes, seeing all the colors that would appear behind my eyelids.  It’s large branches would reach out, they would sway back and forth, gently dancing with the wind, this is when I could see the wind and hear all of natures sounds.  My tree was loved by everyone and was home for all creatures.  It was like a light house, a beacon, I would see it and knew I was home.

Up at my tree, early in the morning, the crows would congregate, moaning and sighing to wake the rest of the birds, then they would compete with the laughter of the kookaburra’s who would make sure they were louder, then the cockatoos would all land in its branches, busily chewing, chatting to one and other, squawking and arguing about who sat with who.  In the safety of the lower branches the smaller birds would be busy coaxing their young along to follow them with their daily foraging.  But nothing grew under this tree, in the cool shade, where the cows would sit during the day looking disconcerted, just sitting there, looking like they were chewing gum.  The large roots would protrude and make perfect balancing beams or perfect hiding places to shrink down in when we played hide and seek. When the sun set it was like a painting, the tree would sparkle, the leaves would turn pale, it would join in with all natures colours, the sun shining on the evening clouds against the last of the blue sky that was today.  The light would reflect off the fruit trees that stood in rows, like a perfect patchwork quilt, with patches of red soil that would bare itself just to make sure it joined in all the spectacular colours the earth offered. 

I had seen a fair bit of the world by now but nothing compared to the colours of our land.

‘Cory’

I felt protective of Shelly, probably being the youngest with three older very protective big sisters, who followed me around and picked me up every chance they had when I was little.  I hoped I was not over-bearing, I just wanted to look after her.  I would ask her if she was ok, knowing everyone else asked her this continually.  I did try and stop asking but it was hard not to make sure nearly every-time I saw her.  She would answer me when she was younger cutely,  but as she got older she would say it with a bit more sarcasm “before you ask Cory, I’m ok, ok” she would say.  Ha it was so damn cute, I had to keep asking even just for that reply.

She would look at me with those gorgeous big blue eyes and I would melt, I hoped and prayed that when she got older that she would not know how to use those eyes to her advantage because those eyes were what was going to get any man to fall for her, without knowing just how beautiful inside she was.  I wasn’t that worried about Brett teasing her, I think she would of stood up for herself if she really needed to, she would rumble with me and Matt, and was not the little weakling that everyone thought she was.  She was an observer, smart and calculating, but so gentle and sweet.  

I didn’t want to tell her that he was seeking her attention, she couldn’t understand why he just didn’t talk to her like I talk to her.  “Maybe he is just a little shy around girls” I would tell her.  Crazy of him not to know how she could talk to anyone, Shelly could explain things so simply and never made you feel stupid if you didn't understand, she just had this special way even at this young age.  She was very much like her mum.  

I loved having a cuppa in the afternoon with them, her dad would include me in all the farm stories for the day, sometimes Shell’s mum would join us, but most times I knew she would be resting.  I would let Shelly think she was helping me with my homework, sometimes she would zombie off looking out the window, deep in thought, “earth to Shell, hello a little bit of help here please.”  I would gesture to my books, she would apologies for the lack of concentration, but I knew she was thinking about things way beyond her young years.

“Cory where do you think we will be in five years from now?” she asked me once.

“I hadn’t thought about it, maybe still here having a cup of tea with your dad” I nervously laughed.

“You should be thinking about it Cory, your older than me, I know what I’ll be doing, so you should have some idea where you’ll be.”

Was I going to answer this or not, tell the truth. tell her that I will be married to her, living on this land, even maybe with a kid or two running around, could I honestly say this to this fifteen year old girl, the little sister of my best friend, the girl next door, even if I knew already that she was the love of my life, my one and only. 

We lived in an old Queenslander, (a raised house, so the breeze could flow under to keep the house cool, and raised also in case of floods).  It was in a little need of a paint job.  Dad knew this but hadn't found time in the last few years with mums illness.  You had to climb about seven huge stairs that lead to a big stained glass front door, with heavy old windows that you had to slide up and a big balcony that wrapped right around the perimeter.  It had old polished timber floors, so we could never sneak in quietly.  We were probably consider a loud family, even thou with mum sick we really did try to keep things quiet.  We were outside kids, so there was very rarely a T.V. on, but Dad and Mum really loved music, all sorts of music, a bit of rock, a little bit of pop, some older music and sometimes modern stuff, so there was always music playing, sometimes loud, sometimes too loud, then sometimes just quietly in the background, but always there.

We would all run in, chuck our bags down, yell out to see who was home, always knowing dad would be there but never knowing if mum would be.  I think this should of made me insecure not knowing who or what I was coming home to but Dad would appear, smiling happy to see us, then he would let us know what sort of day mum had and where about mum was, and how she is feeling.  Sometimes mum would be sitting on the porch waiting for us to come home, these days were few and far between and ofcourse they were the best.  I would go change out of my school uniform, I had learnt early to be tidy.  Lissie would go straight to her room to do her homework.  She was the smart studious type, she knew she wanted to be a doctor and was very dedicated and passionate about her future.  She was usually always in her room studying but would often go and sit under my tree to study, sometimes she would just sit and watch the sunset, now when I think about it she was probably thinking about her future and how things where going to change soon.

Occasionally I would join her under the tree, pretending that I was trying my hardest to concentrate on my homework.  Lissie would look out, thinking with her pen to her mouth, then would quickly write down her thought, it look so easy for her.  I would look like I was also busy writing but it wasn't homework, it was usually my feelings whether I was feeling a little sad or happy, I would jot down my feelings, like a diary of thoughts.  Occasionally I would sketch the horizon, it was no work of art but it had everything in it that I could see, things that made me feel peaceful.  This little diary, with my childhood books managed to stay with me, close to me, to remind me of home.  I would love being with Lissie, she would make me help her cook dinner, maybe secretly she was preparing me for the future, I didn't care if it was a chore, we were together.  

“What are you going to do when you grow up Shelly? I think you would make a great chef” she would say encouragingly. 

“A school teacher like mum, that’s what I want to be” I would say confidently.  I would see a little sadness in Lis’s face, she felt sadness for the situation we were in, she must of felt so tired always being happy around me when really she was probably feeling so sad. 

“That’s a great career too, and yes you would be good at that sis, your so much like mum.”   I beamed she had said this, this I know I loved to hear. 

Matt would run into his room, get changed, grab some food then head off down to his small boat which was pulled up on the old timber jetty at the bottom of our land.  He would easily lift the boat, flip it over into the water, then jump in.  He had perfect balance and would stand up while the boat drifted out to the middle of the water while attaching the oars.  I couldn’t lift the boat, I tried numerous time, and could never even budge it an inch, much to Matt and Cory’s amusement.  When he invited me to join him I would sit straight down and hang on to the sides.  I would feel the boat sway from side to side and gripped on the sides tightly.  I was a good swimmer but just the thought of falling in always made me worry.  Ofcourse Matt would ask me if I'm ok and that he would always rescue me. 

He would start rowing his way down stream, this looked like hard work to me, but he relished it, I was always happy just to enjoy the momentum.  I’d smile at him truly happy to have such a great big brother,  he would always give me a big smile back, this warmed my heart.  I loved going down the river, dipping my hands on the surface of the water, looking out for pelicans hiding amongst the mangroves, or staring down in to the water ever hopeful of spotting a sting ray or turtle skimming away from the boat.  We all loved the water but not as much at Matt.  He was in the rowing and swimming teams in school, in anything that involved water. 

Sometimes he would head off in the boat up river to Cory's place, where Cory would join him, most times they would chuck in a line and sit ever hopeful of catching a fish promising me that they wouldn't kill any fish they caught.  But most times they would just muck around jumping off and swimming, climbing up the rope swing and thoroughly enjoying just being young and free.  As I got older Mum was happy for me to hang around with the boys.  She would wave us off, telling us to go straight to the beach, and not to swim out too far.  She would remind Matt that I’m still his little sister, so make sure he looks after me.  Great, this is all I needed, him and Cory continually checking if I was ok.  I could feel my hormones raging, coaxing me to be older, then have my big brother treat me like a kid. 

Matt, Cory and I where pretty inseparable in school holidays, we would go all the way down stream to where the river joined the ocean. The boys would have a try at fishing I was just happy to lie on the sand.  I would let my best friend Caz know that I’m down the beach, sometimes she would meet us down there.  We were outside kids, our skin was permanently tanned, and our hair sun-bleached after every summer.   I would lay my towel out on the sand, strip down to my swimmers, lie down on my stomach cuddling the earth, letting the sun soak in to my skin while I listened to the gentle rhythm of the waves.  I would massage my toes in to the sand, smiling and thinking there is no other place than here near the ocean or up at my tree that I actually felt pure peace.  

Matt would spend hours throwing his rod back and forth in the breaking waves, never catching anything big, but enjoying it none the less.  Cory didn't have as much patience with fishing, he would rather have a bodysurf, then knowingly he would love coming up saturated and dripping wet, making sure he shook his hair close enough to drip on me.  He laid down beside me smiling, knowing he was getting my attention. 

“How’s it going Jelly Bean, you don’t need to sun bake your skin is beautiful and olive already, come in for a surf with me, why don’t you ever want me to teach you surf, are you scared of sharks or something?”

“No....I’m not scared Cory! I like just laying here, I don’t want to surf, I’m happy just lying here listening to the ocean ok!  Have you ever just stopped and listened?”  Cory just laid there watching me, of course not for long, with no patience.

“I don’t hear anything other than the waves, isn’t that all you can hear?”

“It’s only been a second Cory just stop for one bloody minute would ya!” I said crankily.  It was only another minute when he suddenly decided to challenge me to a staring competition. 

“But you don’t like to lose Cory.” 

I’m not going to” he said making a stupid face to try and make me laugh.

“Girls are way better at staring competitions Cory, your too impatient, but if you want to be a looser then bring it!”  I relaxed my face on my arms that were tucked up under my head.

“Yeah I know... I’m a boy, I am impatient, besides you know I’ll lose every time you look at me.  You can look straight into my soul with those eyes of yours Shell, I’ll never win against you and those eyes” he leaned in closer to me to say.  At the same time his toe was gently stroking the side of my foot.  This alone was going to bork me.

“You think that is going to help you win?”

“I don’t care about winning, this feels way better.”

He then leant closer to me and gently kissed my arm.  We were so close I could see the freshly shaven stubble on his chin and above his mouth.  I stared at his mouth, imagining how soft his lips would feel on mine, WHAT! What was I just thinking.   ​What just happened...my heart just had a little flutter.  Cory's gorgeous eyes didn't leave mine.  He had leant in, kiss my arm, and I couldn't take my eyes of him.  I swear all my body was tingling.  I had leant towards him just a little also, just to feel his body close to mine, even just on my arm.  Oh boy, I think I'm in trouble.  Suddenly the spell we were both under got broken by noisy Caz joining me on the sand. 

“What in the hell was going on just then Shell?” she said too loudly standing with her hands on her hips, haha just like a school teacher when I think about it now.  

“Nothing, we..we..we were just having a staring competition, and I won like usual, that’s all, nothing was going on.”  

“Yeah, yeah and I believe you....NOT” she replied, stripping down to her swimmers, laying her towel down, then covering herself in sunscreen.  Caz had fairer skin than mine and usually went straight to red in the sun, so she always made sure she was covered all over.  Cory got up, gave me his little secret smile and ran back into the ocean.   By afternoon we where always tired from the ocean.  Caz would walk home, we would head home, hose the salt off us, have lunch then most times Matt would go back out, having an afternoon shift at the boat shed.  Cory usually had had enough, he would just hang with me, we would play the playstation, watch a dvd or go sit up at my tree.  

“One day I might write a book” I spoke up.

“Is that why you are always writing Jelly Bean?” he asked me, leaning in close to spy over my shoulder. 

“Yes just feelings and stuff” I said leaning away looking at him over my shoulder.  

“What is it going to be about?” he said interested.  

“You’ll have to wait and buy the book, won’t ya” I said as I held my diary to my chest.   He moved out of my space, smiling and happy with himself.  He was invading my space more frequently now, and didn’t I know it.  I think that smile of his knew he had known it too. Later that day when we were watching the sunset up at my tree we got talking again.  We talked a lot, well I talked a lot.

“What you thinking about Cory?”

“You go first, what are you thinking about Shell?”  

“I’m thinking how your my best friend, guy friend that is.”

 “Your my best friend too.  I don’t mean girlfriend, but a friend who is a girl.  You know what I mean?”

“Yeah I do.  Why don’t you have a girlfriend then Cory?”

“I’m too busy, I don’t get a chance to socialise, and besides I like being with you.”

“But we don’t kiss and stuff.  Would you be angry if a boy ask me out?”

“No...well yes probably.  And you just said guy friend, when it should of been ‘man’ friend.”

“Haha your a dag.  I don’t see no man here.”

“Hey, that’s it.  I’ll show who is the strong man here.”  That conversation ending hastily when he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and carried me home.  Talk about cave man attitude with boys.  Wow he just told me I’m his best friend.  I think I wanted to be more like his girlfriend.  Wait what difference would there be except maybe the kissing part which actually I really wanted to do now I just decided.  Most of Matt and Cory’s mates actually thought I was Cory’s girl.  They use to all sit with me and Caz at school, but the minute Cory appeared they would move over for him to be next to me.  I didn’t think of this early in my teen years, but was way more aware of this towards the later years.  Also towards the later years he would often sling his arm over my shoulders whilst we walked.  I had learnt to control the blushing, or I just got use to it.

Cory was such a great listener, not like other boys, he understood me, he just got me.  I knew when he was listening to me.  He would look down, most times smiling, even when I wasn't trying to be funny, then I would spend the next hour finding out what made him smile.  

“What...what did I say?” 

“Nothing, I’ll tell you later ok.”

“Your cruel, you know I can’t wait.”

“Patience, that’s what you always say to me!”

“But I didn’t say anything funny!”

He told me years later that it was the way I told him things that made him smile.  He didn't have to be looking at me when I spoke to him, just listen to me, he imagined what my expressions on my face would be, then when he would look at me, they were exactly what he pictured, this made him smile.  That was cute.  When I thought about this I pictured us talking a lot, me throwing my hands and arms all around in expression and him with his head slightly hanging, usually with his hand in his pockets, quietly listening and smiling always.  I thought I was pretty quiet, but to Cory I must of been a real chatterbox!  This memory was a good one.

‘Cory’

Wow when Shell stripped down to her swimmers so innocently, it was like she had grown overnight, I had never looked at her like this before.  Luckily I was in the surf and she couldn’t see what was happening in my boardies.  Matt was way up the beach fishing, so I knew he would not of seen what I was thinking.  When I had cooled off, I was drawn like usual to her, like a moth to the light.  I shook my wet hair all over her, she didn’t react like a little girl, she tried to ignore me, so I laid down beside her, probably a little too close, ever so aware of how this might get me into trouble.

She told me to stop and listen to the ocean, which I did, for about a second, before I challenged her to a staring competition.....wrong thing again, that girl could see right thru to my soul with those eyes I swear she could read me like a book.  I was ready to kiss her right there and then, I wanted to kiss her so badly.  Her salty smooth arm was the closest to me.  I had already started something by rubbing my toe against her foot, so I just couldn’t resist and kissed her arm.  We were stuck in a moment, and for once in my life that day I was happy to see Caz!

I noticed lately Shell was looking sad, she would daze off, I knew she was worrying about her mum, I couldn’t imagine not having my mum around.  I would ask her not to ever hold in her feelings, she could always tell me, I think she knew this, she had told me she loved talking to me, I was however finding it so hard not to touch her in some way.

All of our mates would stir me about my Shelly addiction, not around Matt but, I wasn’t sure what he felt about her with me.  I asked him once if it is ok that I hang around her when he isn’t around, with him answering me that he didn’t really care, Shelly probably thinks of me as a brother anyways.  Great I thought, no way is she going to want to kiss me now.

Matt never sat close to her or slung his arm over her shoulders like I did, just having her that close felt so good, so I kept doing this so she knew I was thinking of her more like my girl rather than my sister!  And also so everyone was fully aware who she belonged to also.

Towards the end of mums life, when I got home from school I would quietly wonder thru the house always approaching mums room with a little hesitation wondering if she was there.  Most times my dad would be close and would let me know where she was or whether I could give her a hug today.  If I couldn't he would console me by giving my shoulder a little squeeze, then kiss the top of my head.  “How about we make mum a cup of tea Bub, she would love that.” I would always be very willing to make a tea, always adding extra sugar to Dad's, always waiting for his reaction. 

"Shell this is awfully sweet, how many sugars did you put in today?”

“Ha got ya Dad” I would joke.  Mum would smile and sit up, Dad would fuss about her pillows.  

“She a cheeky one this one, she gets you every time Darling” she would smile at him.  Dad would hastily drink his tea, leaving mum and me a little time.  

“How was school sweet girl? Everyone playing nice? Boys still being silly around you?”

“How did you know mum?”

“Shell, boys will be boys, no matter what, they like playing silly little games to get our attention, don’t take it to heart, let them think they are right, even when you know they aren’t.  You just have to have a little patience with them.  They are a little complicated, but will always tell you us women are way more complicated than them.  I let them think that, it is way more fun that way.”

“Ha mum I think I’m learning that.”  That beautiful smile of hers will be etched into my heart always.  

Only a few days before her life ended, mum asked me to take her up to my tree so she could listen to the wind, and see all the colours of nature.  It was a warm day but I was determined.  I pushed her up the hill in her wheelchair, luckily Dad always kept a mowed track for me, quite honestly it took all my effort but I so wanted to share every moment with her, especially up at my tree.  I huffed and puffed but it was all worth it in the end.  Unbeknown to me, it was one of her last days with me.  

“This tree makes me feel so brave, I hope it will for you too.  You will know where to find me when I’m not here on earth anymore, I will be here with your tree, you know that don’t you” she gently smiled.  I leant down to her to allow her to kiss me on my forehead.  She had got so small and weak, but was still so pretty.  

“How will I know when you’re around mum?” sitting down beside her, holding her hand.

“I’ll always be looking out for you Shell, please keep looking out for signs, like a feather or a pebble, something earthy, maybe there will be something someone special says that will remind you of me, that would be my sign for you.”  

“But I’d rather you physically mum, I won’t have anyone to answer so many questions I have.”  

“I know, but you are so wise already Shell, I know you will do the right thing” she said as she brought my hand to her lips for a kiss.  I squeezed her hand acknowledging that I had listened and smiled, but behind that smile I felt such sadness.

Mum passed away with all of us by her side the next morning.  

Lissie had returned from University the evening before, Matt had been around physically but was mentally somewhere else.  I don’t remember a lot of things from that day - the music in the house was slow and steady, like mums breathing, except the music had kept playing.  The room was dim but outside was bright, we were all crying but I don’t remember sobbing.  On that day the colour of my life was grey, the skies should of been dark and overcast, the trees should of been dull, and the ground should of been brown.  But my Mums brightness was everywhere, the sky was brilliant blue, the trees shimmered all kinds of greens, even the dirt was deep red.  The breeze was balmy, with a hint of salt in it.  

I stood up at my tree with Cory wrapped around me.  I took a deep breathe.  I felt Cory squeeze me.  He reassuring me that I was going to be ok.  He leant down and kissed my shoulder, then squeezed me tightly.  From that day on I looked at the ground more often, I had tended to look up watching the changing sky.  I had to start taking more notice of the treasures at my feet.  

“Look at me Shell, your not sad are you?” Cory asked walking beside me. 

“No I’m fine, just looking.”

“Looking for a sign? You will get one soon Sweetie, I know you will” squeezing my hand.  

Cory and I had started holding hands, not always, but mostly walking up the tree, or going to the movies, or watching a movie, or at the local cafe, or down the beach.....ok we held hands a lot!  Holding my small hand in his large one made me feel connected to someone.  He would often pick up an unusual pebble when he had been for a surf.  He would dive down to the ocean floor and bring it to the shore for me.  I’d put it in my pocket, give him a kiss on his cheek, and thank him.  When I got home I’d put in a wicker basket I had in my bathroom.  Often when I needed to catch my breathe, I would hold on to one of these, they fitted deep into my hand, nestled there, smooth and cool, it would soothe me, it would help me get thru that day.   

I took a deep breathe, reached for another tissue, checking once again to see if I had been disturbing other people around me on the plane, but everyone was engrossed in their books or the screen in front of them, oblivious of the girl in seat 22A having a breakdown.  ‘The Day you went away’ by Wendy Matthews had been playing to me, making me remember the day my mum left me.

‘Cory’

I could not help her, I would see her so sad, she stopped talking all the time, just looking out towards the horizon or glancing to the ground.  It gave me the opportunity to talk a little more, so I was very careful as to what I talked about.  I would hold her hand, rubbing my thumb in little circles so she knew I was attentive, just in case she thought I was just doing that to annoy her.  I loved her long slender fingers interlocked with mine, she never pulled away when I held her hand, I think she liked knowing I was there, we had a thing happening, but I had to go slow and tenderly especially as this time in her life. 

For the first time I could not fix it, it was her journey, all I could do was be by her side, to have and to hold, she would cry with me, I would make her laugh, and if I thought she was pulling away I would grab hold of what I could and bring her back to me.  I knew she felt despair, I would talk to her about the future, I knew she had stop thinking so far ahead, she had experienced loosing someone she loved at such a young age, I vowed I would not let her close down, I would not let her beautiful spirit be broken.

I would sit on my surf board out in the ocean, looking back at her on the shore, and if I could see the bottom I would take a deep breathe and dive down, grabbing a hand full of sand and pebbles.  When I resurfaced I always found one special pebble to take to her.  She always loved these, and had a collection in her bathroom, it wasn’t the special one she was waiting for but they were my gift to her, and I knew she loved them.