Zowie 

Another nightmare wakes me with a jolt.  I’m soaked in my own sweat.  I’ve had this nightmare continually for the last few years, but this time it was worst.  As usual I’m drowning all by myself, actually up to now it has been pretty peaceful as far as dying goes.  Usually the last thing I see is deep green peaceful eyes and it doesn’t seem that bad.  But tonight was different.  Tonight I see him, those black demon eyes, not the peaceful green ones that always end my tormented nightmare.  The water is clear.  I’m still tied up but just floating there, not moving, like I’m floating but I’m under the water, probably a good word would be lifeless.  I watch him reaching out to catch hold of me, still trying to touch me even as the car rolls and tumbles along the river bed.  He is struggling to get lose from the car to get me.  His face is like I remember.  A face I will never forget.  His dark evil eyes that haunt me every single day.  

The boot had popped open on impact when the car hit the cold water that night, water rushing around me, and the noise, of him yelling woke me.  Before I could work out where I was the water filling up the boot pushed me out.  I struggled to keep my head above water.  Having my legs and arms tied didn’t help. I gave up trying to see, it was hopeless with the little moonlight.  I gave up trying to catch air when the raging river allowed my head up into the cold night air.  The few times I did get a chance to bob up, I thought I saw the car lights, I remember panicking again, where was he.  The river currant was strong, there had been rain all week.  The muddy water tossed me around like a doll in a washing machine.  I had accepted that this was the end, my short life flashing before me.  Weirdly dying didn’t seem that bad.  I saw my mums face.  I watch myself playing with the dogs, swinging on the tyre swing, playing in the sunshine with my friends.  I saw old people smiling at me, thanking me.  Yep I was going to die but it seemed like I wasn’t that sad about it.

Then suddenly like a battered log that has been tossed around for ages I was pushed between two large boulders forcing me up to the surface allowing me to fill my lungs with air.  I felt someone picking me up by my arm and heavy breathing, I was looking at those green eyes, but it wasn’t me anymore, I was gone after that night now there was only black.  I don’t remember sirens, or people.  I never saw those green eyes again.  I came out of the coma about three weeks later.  I should of drowned that night.  I wish I had drowned that night instead of living each day remembering.  

The evil-eyed one’s family erected a memorial on the bridge indicating their loss.  Mum told me every week a new lot of flowers appear below the timber cross.  No one acknowledged me, my spirit died that night.  Dr Jamieson seems to think I’m not telling her everything so until I release the demon from deep inside I will continually have these horrible dreams.  His body was never found, and after they found the car they assumed he would of never survived the impact let alone the forces of water that night.  She seems to think because I never saw him dead to me he is still alive.  She is probably right, that is why I live here hiding.   She still doesn’t help and I’m not taking any more medication for it.  Once again Dr Jamieson thinks this is not a good idea.  So I will have just have to put up with no sleep and nightmares.  Why it’s getting worst after nearly three years, she has no idea.  Great, all those years of University and she is no help at all.

Once a month I go back home.  I like leaving the city, I feel brave when I drive my motorbike away, it is the only time I leave the security of my place.  Up until that night I never felt insecure at mums, I never felt insecure full stop.  My childhood home sits on a block backing on the bushland with no neighbors, so I have freedom there without people to annoy me.  I love to see Mum and Joey.  Joey is my two year old son, the prodigy of that horrible night.  It isn’t his fault I know, but I just switched off after that night.  Mum is raising him like he is her child.  I have disconnected from him.  Joey looks nothing like him, but sometimes seeing him even just once a month is too much emotionally.  He has blue eyes like me and blonde hair like mum.  Mum says he looks like me as a kid, but you would never know he was even related to me now.  He looks at me like he knows every secret.  I try to avoid eye contact knowing this.  It wasn’t his fault, it was mine.

When I drive into town, I have to cross that bridge, I have to see the flowers sitting there keeping his memory alive, not mine.  The town people forgot about me, now I’m just a stranger passing thru their town.  Mum has helped me so much.  I know she loves Joey.  She is different with Joey, calmer and wiser.  She was a good mum to me but she is a great mum to him.  We don’t speak to each other like we use to, and we never spoke about that night.  I don’t think she will ever believe that he did that to me.  I don’t know anything about what happened between her and him.   He use to just appear at our place, and I use to leave.  I didn’t like the way he looked at me.  I was a teenager.  I was suppose to do stupid things right. But she didn’t protect me, and I know she is riddled with guilt.  His family has no idea of anything that happened that night, as far as they are concerned his car went over the bridge and he died.

Really what is the use of ruining another family.  Contrary to what sort of person I knew him as, he was still their Dad.  I’m never around long enough to know if the sons he was raising are like him.  I can’t be here longer than a night or two.  I know it is wrong, I should be helping her with Joey but this is just how it is.  My spirit is broken, he ripped it from me that night.  I needed to become someone else and not trust anyone anymore, not be like I use to.  I use to be the town sweet heart.  The blonde blue eyed bubbly girl that everyone loved.  I did well at school, I was friendly with everyone.  I wasn’t nasty to anyone, I like everyone.  I volunteered my time everywhere in the community.  If I wasn’t at the local Aged home, or the hospital I was at the dog shelter.  I never kept still.  I would organise fund raisers, I could speak to my elders confidently, I could get things done around this place like no other.  I never stopped.  And I think I was happy.  Yes I was definitely happy.

Us teenagers would all meet down the river edge, gather around a bonfire, muck around, laugh and enjoy being young.  We all did silly things, daring each other.  I wasn’t as innocent as people thought.  We would all drink, too much sometimes but we seemed to get home safely.  I didn’t have one special boyfriend but sometimes I would hook up with someone then the next day it was forgotten, no big deal, all teenagers did it.  This was a small town so every parent knew all us kids.  They all knew where we lived, they all knew each parents phone numbers, they all accepted that once in a while us kids needed to let loose.  I liked letting go a little, my organizational skills that came naturally would sometimes put me under a little stress, so letting go occasionally was good for me.  I did however over do it that night.  Once again trusting people was a big mistake. 

That night another lot of boys from the next town had joined us.  I got drunk, then got confident, the stupidest thing I could of ever done.   I remember talking to a guy, drinking something he gave me, then deciding that I could walk home from there.  I only made it up to a small side street, plonking down against a street sign unable to go any further.  I couldn't even dial my mums mobile, even on speed dial my fingers just couldn't press that one button.  My brain stopped telling the rest of my body to move.  My legs were all twisted around as I sat there.  I wasn’t going anywhere.  That was when he appeared, scooping me up into his car.  Of course I didn’t worry, I knew him and besides I definitely wouldn’t be able to run anyway.

I remember snippets of that night.  In the dark damp shadows, laid across the backseat of his car with only the moonlight I see dark evil eyes, different from when he usually looked at me.  I smell stale whiskey breath.  I heard crickets and night birds.  I feel a bottle pushing against the back of my head but I can’t lift my arm to move it.  I can hear him breathing heavy and I can see him moving back and forth but I can’t feel anything.  I can see him kneeling there in between my legs that were dangling down off the car seat.  I try and lift them to kick him away.  But I can't.  I can't even turn my head to look away.  All I can do is close my eyes and wish that this is not real.  One last ditch effort I try to lift my arms up to push him off me but they don’t move.  I try to scream making a muffled sound that I can only hear.   He slaps me across the face.  I give up.  After I wake my head aches so bad and all I want to do is lean over and spew.  I can’t even do that.  I watch him grab the open door of the car behind him and  heave himself up, I can see him doing his pants up, he walks away, then I can hear tape ripping.  I work out what he had just done to me.  I was all by myself, and I was so embarrassed.  I couldn’t fight, I couldn't run, it was hopeless.  I then blacked out and accepted my fate.  

I’ve finally worked out now that I couldn't run with the drug I had taken, that I couldn't speak with my mouth taped, that my brain couldn't tell my body to fight but it doesn’t help ease the pain.  It only took a few seconds to destroy a whole life.

Now I keep very still.  I don’t associate with anyone I don’t need to.  I am insignificant, I blend in with the background,  I don’t have many friends and the few I have don’t know anything about me.  Mum doesn’t even know exactly where I live.  I stick to a routine, I never deviate from it.  If I do then there may be a chance that someone will invade it, wreck it, change it.  My friends tell me I need to loosen up but this is my protective shield, it is the box I live in, never allowing the four walls to be tampered with.  The only thing that changes in my life is the people I tattoo.  And even then I will only tattoo them in the studio that is below my home.  I only have to cross the road to shop, and on the other corner is a cafe for coffee.   I’ve become a no-one, it is easier this way.   
 

Zachary

My life was perfect.  Well as perfect as life goes.  I had a good lot of mates both male and female but no one special girl.  I didn’t mind, I was young and mum would tell me that my one true love would appear when I wasn’t looking.  I had a normal functioning family.  I was being raised by my mum and her second husband, a man I had known for many years.  I have two younger brothers, Jay and Joel that love me.  When my real dad died my mum was left a large inheritance, so we never had money issues.  She stayed single for a little while after Dad passed.  It was just her and me, it was good.  Then Billy, a boy she knew in school reappeared.  He was a really good man to me.  He was the only man I remember in my life, so yeah he was good.  He idolized my mum, and loved me just like he loved his own sons.  He hadn’t been married before but had a daughter.  A piece of him both mum and I never knew about.

I was very sporty at school, not as smart as some but good at sport.  Any and every sport I could do well.  I loved soccer the most.  I loved the team spirit.  I loved the calibration between a team.  We all won together or all lost together.  It didn’t matter, there was no judgement just as long as we did our best.  The boys in my team were like family.  We hung together in and outside of school.  We partied on the weekend, and hung at each others houses when we weren’t training.  We looked after each other and I knew these would be friends I would keep forever. 

Unfortunately that was what I thought.  When I was about twenty years old I found a lump on my ankle.  It never bothered me when I played soccer but it was getting bigger rapidly.  When it became unbearable mum dragged me off to the city to see a specialize.  It was not good news.  I had a fast growing tumor that had already moved up my leg  in just a short time.  I had my leg removed from just under my knee.  That was the end of soccer for me.  At the time it seemed that was the end of life for me.  Why did this happen to me.  I was at college learning to be a physical education teacher.  How stupid was it going to look with a cripple trying to be a PE teacher.  I only had only a few months before I graduated but so I continued on with my studies.  I would have to learn to walk again.  I would have to accept it.  

After I graduated before I started teaching I took a year off and went home.  I needed to adjust to things differently and I knew between my mum and my mates back home I would succeed.  I was glad I went home for mums sake as Billy my stepdad was going thru a difficult time also.  He didn't say much to me like he usually had.  He had gotten quiet.  He had changed.  At first I thought it was my fault, like I had failed him.  Mum made sure that I stopped thinking like that.  She told me he has changed in the last year.  He was drinking a lot and was very bad tempered.  When she asked him to see someone he would fly off the handle in a rage.  Then he would disappear into the bushland that stood behind the town.  Sometimes he was gone for days.  Mum thought with me being home he would stay around but he had distant himself from all of us. 

I asked mum if she thought there was another woman, and at this stage she actually didn’t care if there was.  I couldn't follow him and the boys were too young to have this burden.  I could however drive.  I had my car adjusted for my disability before I left college so I could follow him if he stayed near roads.  He would park in the street that ended at the bush edge.  Then he would drink at the pub for a while then stagger down the dead end street into the bush.  There was a small dirt track that a motorbike could use, but there was no way a car was going to fit.  I made a note of the times he would go.  The next thing I was going to have to do is talk someone into doubling me into the bush on a motorbike.

I used crutches more than my false leg, I was hoping to teach myself during this year off.  The local hospital had facilities if I needed help but quite frankly I think they like people to do it themselves.  I think this gave us disabled people the feeling of achievement.  I had already felt like I had achieved a lot in my life.  I didn’t need this but if I didn’t start moving forward I knew other muscles in my body would stop functioning.  While I was home I was encouraged to join a gym.  A couple of mates would swing around and take me.  

My large group of friends had dwindled down to just a handful, but that was alright.  Trev, Jonno and Harry would make me use every piece of machinery in the gym, they didn’t ever think of me as disabled.  At first this ticked me off, but I knew these guys, there was no judgement.  After gym one of the days we all went down to the pub to devise a plan.  Trevor was a year older than us and had lost his brother a few years ago in a traffic accident so he had become protective of us, a bit like a big brother.  We came up with the plan that we would follow him next time he toddled off into the bush.  Trev was going to help me, he was actually excited about the stalking.  

Billy would walk or more like stagger along the fence line until he came to one of a properties that had a old gate.  He would go thru and stumble up the old steps of a house.  “So who’s place is this then, you reckon he seeing someone else?” Trev asked while I counted how many houses from the street it was.  “Or is this where he just crashes out, seeing mum won’t let him in the house anymore when he has been drinking?” I said to Trevor.  Who lived here?  We drove back out the bush and counted the houses down along the street.  The house looked in need of some maintenance from the front.  We stopped a few houses up, not knowing whether we should go and knock on the door or just watch to see if he gets kicked out of this house too.  A few minutes later we heard the door slam and watched a girl came running out of the house.  She looked about seventeen, maybe eighteen.  She had long blonde hair, and of what I could see she looked pretty.  Trevor had already said she was ‘hot.’  I had reminded him that we aren’t here to check out the girl.  We both watched as she swung her bag into the front seat of her little car, the car also in need of maintenance I thought.  She reversed her car and took off.  As she passed she looked at both of us thru her hair that was blowing all over her face.  She didn’t smile but, she looked angry.  I wrote down the street name and would ask mum if she knew anyone who lived here.

When I got home and asked mum she told me she only knew one person in that street, it happened to be a girl she use to go to school with, but lost contact with her when they left school.  Mum told me it was just her and her daughter.  She told me the mum hadn’t done much with her life but the daughter was really popular.  She volunteers everywhere, organizes fund raisers, she seems to pop up everywhere.  My brothers might know her, I should asked them when they get home from school.  Then I had to ask her the fateful question.  Does Billy know the mum.  She told me that Billy was very popular in school, and she has no doubt that all the girls knew him.  When she asked me about my enquiry I didn’t have the heart to tell her until I knew exactly what was going on.

From then on I sat outside the house every time I knew Billy was in there, well I assumed he was in there.   I ended up working out that he was there whenever the girl left, it seemed every time Billy was in the house she would run.  I followed her just once,  she went to the Dog shelter.  Numerous times I thought I should go and knock on the door, but what use was that.  He would just get mad and make another women unhappy.  This went on for a few months.  In the meanwhile life just continued on like usual.  I was getting stronger and stronger with the gym hours I was putting in.  Trev, Jonno and Harry would come up with different silly plans to surprise Billy, they were trying to make me laugh but it was pretty sad.   He didn’t love mum anymore and is with someone else.  I was starting to feel a little protective of this family I didn’t even know.  I knew Billy’s raging was getting out of hand.
One of the nights when I had heard him yelling at mum, and I was feeling much more confident I confronted him.  I knew he couldn't face me, I would catch a glimpse of the man I loved like a father sometimes when he looked at me.  But this was only fleeting moments.  He packed a bag and stormed out.  Mum was crying but it was not for her lose but another women’s burden.  He had after all become a some what of a nightmare.  He was aggressive, he had mental issues which he was taking drugs for then mixing this with alcohol everyday.  We didn’t know him anymore, and when he left we resolved ourselves that this was it.  Mum still loved him, and he still had two sons that needed a dad.  How was this other woman going to cope.  And what about the young girl living in this house.  I had become quite familiar with her even thou I had never spoken a word to her.

On the night of the car accident when Billy died there had been two phone calls.  The first one mum hadn’t answered, I had.  It was a ladies voice.  She told me that Billy had been there after being gone for a couple of days.  He was out of control and she was frightened of him. She asked me to go look for him before he killed himself or someone else.  He was driving.  I knew I had to go look for him.  It had been raining and the roads were slippery.  I drove from one end of the town to the other.  I had got use to my new leg but the track going in to the bush was muddy and I knew I was limited to walking it.  I sat in the car in the middle of town trying to work out what to do next.  It was then that Billy drove past fast heading out of town.  I turned the car around and followed.  I watch the car swerve and go straight into the river instead of over the bridge.  I quickly pulled over as the car floating down the river.  The front lights bobbed in the current, I could see that the boot had popped open and the brake lights were on, his foot was still on the brake.

I ran along the side of the river, while I dialed the police.  I knew I couldn't go much further due to the rocks and bush that engulfed the river down stream.  I could see the car had snagged on a rock and the water was gushing against the open boot forcing it to close then open.  It was then that I saw something fall out.  Was that Billy? Had he climb thru the car going thru the back seat to get out of the boot? I had no idea but I could see it tossing and tumbling in the water.  I climb along the rocks, angry for my disability.  I stopped not able to go any further.  I looked down at the water to see if I could wade in a little.  It was then that I found her.  I automatically picked her up by her arm to drag her out of the water.  I had a sudden spurt of strength.  She gasped for air, and for one split second she looked at me.  Her eyes were bright blue, like the colour of the sky.  They looked at me with pure fear.  Her legs and arms were bound.  Who was this girl?  Where did she come from? Maybe she had been living under the bridge.  How she survived I will never know.  I will never know because after that night she totally disappeared.

I told the police all I knew, when I asked about the girl they didn’t seem to think they were connected, just a coincidence, just a strange happening.   They had no idea why she was tied up...They actually didn't say much at all after.  As far as they were concerned she was just a runaway who was swept downstream with the rising river and Billy died in an accident.  No-one spoke about it again.

Zowie

I got up after waking from this last nightmare.  Outside was bustling with cars and people.  I loved this sound and usually slept comfortably with this.   I made myself a cup of tea, I stood in front of the stack of books that untidily cluttered my small lounge room pulling out one of my favorite books.  I sat in a shaft of sunlight that crept thru a gap in the curtain.  I sat flicking thru the photo’s of people cuddling, laughing, smiling.  I was jealous of these people captured in their happy moments.  I had felt that happiness once, I needed to find it again.  But my lifestyle, tattooing people all night then sleeping most the day was only going to find me someone like me.  Someone who didn’t function like a normal person.

By the afternoon I had a list of tonights tattooing sessions.  I had preparation to do towards one large drawing so I would start that soon.  Steve my boss had handed me a folder last night with the details of what the guy wanted.  I looked thru the folder at the mans suggestions, giggling to myself about some, then feeling sad about the reason he wanted this tattooed on him forever.  In the section that asks how you heard about us he had written that I had tattooed a couple of his mates and that he liked my style.  Ok, I better give him what he wants then, and it is going to cost him.  He was coming in around ten tonight.

I headed downstairs before we opened to share a pizza with the crew to find that it was only a few of us here tonight.  Great, I hope there isn’t too many walk ins.  Around nine thirty when I had just finished doing the last walk in which ended up being just a small butterfly I took a break before the large tattoo that was coming in next.  I went out the front door for a breathe of fresh air, and bumped into the usual old man that walked his dog every night.  He always seemed to appear when I was taking my break.  I leant down and smooched with his pug.  While I was leaning down I spotted four large men heading towards me.  I stayed down on my knees hoping that they were not who I had to tattoo tonight.  But they all turned into the doors and sat down all around the reception area.  I could see Steve talking to them then indicating to them that I was outside.  They all looked.  They just caught me making a smoochie face at the dog.  Oh well might as well see me, stupid face and all.

This was one of those times that I wished I had all that confidence that I use to have to just walk in there and make myself known.  But it was all gone.  Now I would have to go in and fumble my way thru the introduction.  I said goodbye to the old man and dog and opened the door.  All eyes on me, my cheeks instantly went red.  Jonno held his hand out first.  “Hey, Zowie you tattooed me last year, do you remember me?” letting my hand go to lift up his sleeve.  “Oh hey yeah I remember, looks good still.”  “Yeah you did mine earlier this year” Harry spoke up as he showed me his left calf muscle.  “Yeah I remember, it’s looking good too” as I headed behind the glass reception area.  “I’m Trev, I’m too pussy to get a big tattoo I only have a small one I’m too embarrassed to show you” Trev says to me smiling.  “It isn’t for everyone you know” I said trying to make him feel better.  Then I looked at the last fellow waiting for him to say something.  He was just staring at me.  “Zach get up here and introduce yourself” Trev said turning around to him with encouragement.  He just sat there staring.  It was making me really uncomfortable but I kept looking straight back at him.  “Um...Zach was it? Do you want to see what I’ve drawn up, see if you like it?  It is going to take quite a few sessions, hope your up for it?” I said as I started to pull out the large pattern I was going to put on his arm.  He got up and started to walk over.  I could see his friends making faces at each other.  “Sorry” he said as he came over.  I could smell him as he approached, and just as I was about to say something I had to lean over and sneeze.  “Bless you” Zach said.  I put my hand up to stop another sneeze, then grabbed a tissue.  “Thanks, sorry about that” I said.

“Ok, lets see if you like this” I said as I rolled out the drawing.  He just looked at it and smiled.  “Wow, this is fantastic, it is everything I wanted, look Trev it has all the things intwined into one drawing, really it looks great.”  The other boys had made there way over all looking over Zach’s shoulder at it.  “So, do you want to go ahead like tonight, or have a little think about it?” I said looking at him under my fringe.  “No, lets do this, how long do you reckon?” “I have all night, how long depends on how long you can take sitting here with me” I said with a little giggle.  “OK, I’m yours” he said cheekily back.  “I’ll just go and get it on a stencil to put on your arm, then I’ll have to shave the arm, unless you already did it” “Yes I already did that, so we are good to go” he says as he starts taking off his t-shirt.  “Um... that’s alright leave that until I’m ready if you want” I said nervously. 

Why? Why was this boy making me nervous.  I’m usually switched off to large muscle men but there was something about those eyes.  And the way those jeans sat on those hips, and his scruffy brown hair....snap out of it Zowie!  Remember you are a no-body, just a girl hiding in the darkness, staying far away, out of sight, out of mind.