IGNORANT:-  is a state of being uninformed, unaware of important information or facts.

                                             
Before the summer of 2009 I was pretty ignorant, maybe even naive. I didn’t know how nasty people could be or about the way people thought.  I only believed in being kind, to treat people the same way I wished to be treated.  Up to now that worked for me, well at least with the few friends I had.  But not with my Mum and my big sister Cecilia.  It didn’t matter how much I tried they both would never have any love for me, but I had accepted this along time ago, it was just the way it was.  The only person in my family that loved me unconditionally was my Dad, and unfortunately for me he was overseas a lot, so if I was to continue living and breathing under the same roof as them peacefully then I might as well just shut up and get on with it.

For many years up until this very year, we holidayed with my mum’s boss and his family in their beach houses.   The Spencer family consisted of a Dad, Mum, twin boys Charlie and Thomas who were the same age as Cecilia, and Rosie the daughter my age.  The beach houses were only an hour away from home, right on the ocean.  I know it didn’t sound like much of a holiday but it was everything to me as Dad always made sure he was back for it.  I would not of cared where we stayed as long as my Dad was with us.  He would switch off from business, put on his board shorts and come and jump off the pier with us, or challenge us to swim out to the buoys that bumped and swayed in the middle of the harbour.  He knew how to spend time with the kids, it was never enough time, it was quality of time rather than quantity.  It was never enough but once again I just accepted it.

I even think my evil sister enjoyed herself these holidays.  She still ignored me, but seeing we were ‘on holidays‘ she relaxed a little bit more than usual.  I still tried to stay out of her way, but knew I was safe from her treachery while Dad was around.

24th September 2009 ~ That horrible day.

Dear Diary or who ever gives a shit,

I want to die.  Today was the worst day of my life.  Cecilia and the twins reminded me just how ugly I was.  Why? Why was I born like this.  Why did Cecilia get it all.  She is older than me, surely she should know better.  Why am I the girl known as flabbigail, some days fuzzagail.  Why did Charlie say those things, I expected that from Thomas but never Charlie.  Rosie is innocent, she just did what she was told.  I need to write down what happened, then when I forget and forgive like Daddy will tell me to do, I will read this and remember.  And will probably hurt all over again.  Right at this moment in time I will never forgive or forget, not ever.  Abigail :-(
                                                                    

What happened:~

To start with I had had the best two week holiday with the Spencer family.  Mum works for Mr Spencer.  His twin boys Charlie and Thomas are the same age as Cecilia my big sister, and Rosie, the little sister is my age, only difference between us is she has Downes Syndrome.  This makes no difference to me personally but it does to a lot of other people.  We live in the same area but go to different schools, I only get to see them on the week-ends when we all hang out.  There is not a lot to do in our town and I don’t venture out like Cecilia and the boys do.  Lately I have gone out late at night a few times to pick up one of them drunk and unable to get home.  I don’t mind helping and so far it hasn’t been a big deal.  One night recently I had a call from some girl to come and get Thomas.  I had to lift him off the lounge and practically carry him to the car.  He stayed quiet for the trip home and I was grateful.  I once again dragged him to his room, took off his shoes and tucked him in.  I went to walk away but his hand grabbed mine and he pulled me close “Take of your clothes and come and give me a hug.”  I tried to pull away as I spoke “I’m not who you think I am Thomas, it’s Abi.”  “I know who it is, it’s my Abi, sweet Abi, I want to see underneath all those clothes you always have on.”  I tried to pull away again, angered at him, stupid I know being angry at a drunk person, but I have to wear these large clothes to hide what’s underneath.  I look down at him, he is looking directly at me “Abs take off those glasses for me so I can see your eyes then.”  I lift my hand and remove my glasses, then I sit on the floor leaning against his bed where he is laying not facing him.  When he had looked at me, I thought I could see the boy I liked, just one second of a sober boy.  “I love your eyes” he mumbles before he turns over and falls to sleep.   I take a deep breathe knowing it is only the alcohol talking, wishing it wasn’t.  “Sweet dreams Thomas.”  I leave a glass of water and aspirin on his bedside table and we won’t talk about this night again.   

 So, hence when we go to Mr Spencer’s beach houses together we all switch off from everyday life and really have great fun. The last few years we’ve holidayed together, them in the big house, us in the small one.  I mostly hung out with Rosie and Dad.  Sometimes Charlie stayed, sometimes he hung with Thomas and Cecilia elsewhere.  But this year was different.  Both Charlie and Thomas hung around me more.  Cecilia didn’t like not having both twins attention twenty-four-seven, and of course she made sure I knew this.  The boys said she had become way too demanding and a lot nastier, I just laughed at them, this was the only Cecilia I’ve ever known.  She had no time for me.  She is embarrassed to be seen with me, she actually hates me, tells me all the time.  Never in front of Dad but never cares if Mum hears.  Mum would just tell her not to be so cruel with a stupid little smile, then would give her money to go hang with her friends.  I know crazy, like rewarded her.

I have no relationship with my mother, I am not like her in anyway shape or form.  We just tolerate each other.  Charlie hates Cecilia.  He hears her being cruel to me.  He wonders why I take it.  Let’s face it she is beautiful I am not.  I’ve learnt to ignore her mostly, but I’m sure she knows if she ever crosses the line and goes after Rosie just to make herself feel better then wham, I would knock her out.  I might have a peaceful persona,  but I can give a pretty evil look.  And she gets it quite often.  I mean who would ever want to hurt Rosie.  Rosie is the sweetest person I know.  She tells me how much she loves me, she loves everyone.  I taught Rosie to jump off the pier, I taught her how to use her phone, how to use the computer.  I take her shopping and we check out boys together.  I am her best friend.  The boys are very protective of Rosie also.  They both see Cecilia putting crap on me, Charlie walks away with me, Thomas sticks with Cecilia.

Charlie isn’t a normal boy, contrary to being the twin of Thomas who is a ladies man, Charlie doesn’t like the ladies.  He has told me this and it is our secret.  At first I was sad for him, then I realised how happy I am for him.  He knows exactly who he is, unlike me who let’s other people make me feel awful, who hides inside large clothes, behind ugly thick rimmed glasses and avoids people.  He and I talk about everything, I am his best friend, and he is mine, he loves me just the way I am.  Both the boys are good looking, they are identical in every way except Charlie has a heart big enough for the both of them, and Thomas has the muscles.  Charlie defends Thomas mentally, with words.  Thomas defends Charlie physically, with fists.  Charlie tells me everything, Thomas only talks to me when he has to, usually when he is drunk.  But I know both of them would always protect me in their own ways. 

This summer although, Thomas talked more, watched me more.  He had normally sat and scowled at me, he usually sat and scowled at me with Cecilia.  But this summer he didn’t scowl at me at all.   He made me nervous this summer.  This summer he was definitely different.  We would all get together at the end of the day and BBQ on the deck.  Mrs Spencer would fuss over everyone, my mum would sit and wait to be served.  My mum looked and acted like a suck up princess, and Cecilia is the prodigy of her.  I’m like Dad, a bit rounder, a bit sloppier, not so fussy.  Mr Spencer is handsome, like the boys, Mrs Spencer is very sweet and homely.  She cooks and cleans and fusses all the time.  Rosie’s special needs have dominated her life, but I know she would not of had it any other way.  She always hugs me, tells me how much she loves me, I wish she was my mother most times.

On the last night of the holiday there was going to be a end of holiday party up the road.  Of course Thomas and Cecilia would be going.  Strangely Charlie was going and wanted to know if me and Rosie wanted to go.  I felt save with Charlie around.  I didn’t really want to go, but Rosie wanted to go. I wanted Rosie to be treated like a teenager just like a normal teenager.  It was only up the road, so if I wanted to come home early I could walk.  I agreed reluctantly.  While Cecilia fussed about what she was wearing, I just put on my usual baggy trousers and way too big jumper.  I tied my hair back into my usual fuzzy low pony tail, took off my glasses then looked in the mirror at my face, blurry looks better.  Thomas drove that night.  We both heard the horn beeped.  Cecilia pushed past me rushing her way to the front seat next to Thomas.  Charlie, Rosie and I sat in the back.  I could see Thomas watching me in the revision mirror, every time we made eye contact I could see his eyes smiling.  I would look away.  He was really making me feel uncomfortable, well more uncomfortable than I already felt.

We got to the house and the alcohol was flowing freely.  Rosie stuck close to me.  I could feel her unsure of herself.  Charlie leant into me “you know I love you don’t you Abs?” I leant back looking at his face “yeah Charlie, now go get me and Rosie a drink” I said to him wondering what that was all about.  He disappeared in to the crowd along with Thomas and Cecilia.  I gathered my thoughts, thinking again why Charlie just said that and knowing I just didn’t belong here.  After about half an hour of waiting for Charlie I deciding I definitely didn’t belong here.  As I turned to Rosie to see if she wanted to go, I suddenly got pushed, sort of falling into her, by a rather loud, drunk Thomas.  He smiled at me and flung his large arm around my shoulders, weighing me down slightly then started slurring his stupidity in my ear.  I tried to pull my head away but he leant in close.  “You smell so nice Abs” he said in my ear.  “Why don’t we go find somewhere so I can see whats underneath all these clothes of yours?” he said winking at me and grinning.  I leant back a little and looked at him to see if he was serious.

He moved closer.  I had never looked into his blue eyes this close before.  I looked at his lips that were smiling at me.  I thought, any other time I think I would of loved him this close, maybe even for my first kiss but tonight I grabbed hold of his t-shirt, pulling him close to speak to him, trying not to talk too loud, trying not to embarrass Rosie “I don’t think so Thomas I won’t leave Rosie, I’m actually going to go now.”  He made eye contact with me again, turned his lip down but while I kept him in my hold.   

I then pushed him away a little turning to tell Rosie I was leaving.  I could see Rosie’s eyes watching something so I turned to see, all the while Thomas’s hand had moved down gripping my waist, stopping me from going anywhere.  Luckily he only had hold of my jumper, but still managed to hold me there.  I looked down at where he was holding me then slowly looked up, it was Cecilia who suddenly appeared before me.  I could see her usual smirk, it looked worst than usual.  I could feel something was wrong.  Before I had a chance to flee she spoke up.  “Thomas darling, get over here, you don’t want Flabbigail germs” she snapped at him loudly and aggressively.   The crowd slowly parted, the music quieten, people whispered to each other, we suddenly had an audience, just the way she liked it.  Just the way I dreaded.

He let go of me and went over to her, like a faithful little puppy dog.  I looked around for an escape.  I looked over hoping for Charlie to help me.  But he stayed still looking down at the ground.  Cecilia took a deep breathe, stared at me, then she let rip.  She looked like she was performing an award winning stage show.  “Flabbigail!  Haha you think your so smart but you are so stupid.  You...you think that is what boys want? Smart, no boys want a body and face like mine.  You...you are so fucking ugly.  How in the hell you are related to me I’ll never understand.  Just look at me, then look at yourself, are you that stupid to think either Thomas or Charlie, or any other boy would ever want you, they would have to be more than blind fucking drunk to screw your disgusting body, hey boys?” slurring her words slowly turning to Charlie and Thomas for their answer.  

I had been looking at Charlie the whole time who hadn't taken his eyes off the ground.  He had listened to her make me feel so small and insignificant, then I slowly turned my face back to Cecilia.  I knew the blood had drained from my face, I even felt a little sick.  It was hot and stuffy but worst of all it was all the faces looking at me.  I didn’t look at her for long, I was trying to totally ignored her like I always did.  I did however look straight at Charlie again who was standing one side of her and had brought his head up.  “Yeah really fucking off his face drunk to touch that” Charlie said looking at me then Thomas.  I then turned looking at Thomas standing at the other side, my eyes starting to well with water.  “Shit yeah, I thoroughly agree bro” putting his hand up for an agreeing hand slap above Cecilia’s head.

Then the very worst thing that could ever happen happened - Thomas spoke up again.  “Rosie come over here, away from Flabs” smirking at me.  Of course she innocently went and stood with him, not knowing what was going on.  I hung my head down, I couldn't hold it up anymore.  I kept it down trying to work out what I should do next.  I should of bent down and charged Cecilia like a raging bull, but I didn’t.  Could of, should of, but didn’t.  I could hear her yelling ‘get out, go run away, go far away with Daddy so I don’t have to look at your ugly face anymore’ I could hear lots of stupid laughing.  Like who laughs at that, there had been no joke told, or anything funny happen, they had just seen pure bullying at it’s best.

Tears ran down my face, I tried so hard not to let them fall.  The walls started crumbling in on me, I could feel all the air leaving my lungs as people started pushing, laughing towards me.  I looked at Charlie one more time, I could see his eyes tearing, but maybe it was from the laughter.  I looked at Thomas he was trying to avoid eye contact, but I looked straight at his, and if he got any message from me I hope he knows exactly what I felt.  I looked at Rosie who held her face in her hands crying.  Seeing this absolutely broke my heart.  I then watched Cecilia put her arms around Rosie, like she was some sort of hero.  I never once looked at Cecilia, I would never look at that bitch again.

I swung around and yelled “MOVE” pushing my way thru the jeering crowd.  I could feel vomit rising up from my stomach.  The front door was open luckily giving me a clear pathway to run.  I leant over and vomited in the garden, then Oh and I ran, I ran as fast as I could away.  But I didn’t go home.  I ran, never looking back, running, running straight to the end of the pier then throwing myself in.   The water was cold, I gasped then I let all my breathe out screaming under the water.  Salt water made it’s way into my mouth and up my nose but I didn’t care.  I wished my body would fill up with water and make me sink to the ocean floor or my soaking wet large clothes would drag me down so I never felt another breathe of air.  And there I would stay forever.  But the natural human instinct kicked in, and I surfaced gasping for air.  I struggled to the stay on the surface desperate to catch my breath, uncontrollably crying.  I struggled treading water, coughing and spluttering.  I had no idea of what or where to go next.  I even stayed in the water praying and hoping a shark would come and just end it for me. I held on to the rusty ladder under the pier while I bobbed up and down with the ocean’s movements, shivering and sobbing.  I could hear footsteps running on the pier so I stayed attached to the ladder, shivering, alone and so, so ugly. 

Eventually out of pure exhaustion I dragged my sodden, wet self up the ladder, along the pier, slowly home.  No, no shark or I was going to end my life tonight.  Cecilia wins.  I will leave here, and never ever come back.  I snuck in the front door and went straight to my bedroom.  Within a few minutes Dad tapped on the door.  “Abs, what happened?  You didn’t come and say goodnight to me like you always do” he said cautiously.  “Nothing” was all I managed.  “Can I come in?” while opening the door before I could answer. “I don’t want to talk about it Dad” I said putting my head down.  Dad didn’t need to see the pain on my face, my body told the story.

I was sitting on the floor, my hair dripping down over my face, my jumper stretched over my knees.  He turned around, went into the hall and got a towel out of the linen closet.  He put the towel around my shoulders then he sat on the bed gently putting his hand on my shoulder.  I caught a rugged breathe, and without crying hysterically again spoke to my dad.  I looked up at him with a single tear leaving my eye.  “Can we just go home, can we go like now, then I want to move overseas with you, I don’t want to be here anymore, can I come with you tomorrow night to Dubai please Daddy?”  He plonked himself on the floor next to me and put his arm over my shoulder pulling me into his chest and holding me tight.  He didn’t answer me, he didn’t have to, I knew he would take me away from all this, I was going to be with him away from here, away from them, forever I hoped.
                                                                         

To whoever cares -

What we had done tonight was the lowest of lowest things anyone could of ever done to anyone let alone Abigail.  That girl is so innocent, so peaceful and wise.  She picks me up and looks after me, and I just shit on her so bad.  Charlie must feel way worst than me, I have managed to stay away from her, even though this holiday I was finding it incredibly hard.  Charlie already had her on his side, he finds the words with her easier than me.  I can’t talk to her, she is way out of my league.  I am not good enough, I probably never will be, I would never be able to say things I feel to her.  I have learnt to make people understand with physical communication.  But tonight I even failed at protecting her with that.  Tonight both Charlie and I broke her with vicious words, and at this stage the old saying ‘what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger’ does not include us two boys because this feels like I'm dying.

Thomas :-(
       

24th December 2009

Dear whoever gives a shit still...

Well it’s been three months exactly since that horrible day.  I left with Dad for Dubai the next day.  He won a contract that will keep him here for a while, so I enrolled in the international school down the road, and am here to look after him.  I sent a email to Rosie, telling her that I was sorry I didn’t say good-bye and that I love her.  That is all she will need to hear.  I have received emails from just one person, not mum worrying about me, not Cecilia apologizing to me, just from that one person, that someone who I thought loved me, but I have not opened them, I’m still very hurt...I still wish a shark had eaten me that night.  Merry Christmas Rosie.  Abigail. :-/
                                                                     

Dad took me home that horrible night.  We packed the next day and I flew away with him.  I didn’t say much to him.  I didn’t even say good-bye to mum.  She never bothered to say good-bye to me either.  Dubai was hot, but not unbearable.  The apartment was spacious and neat.  Dad walked early every morning, so I decided I would join him.  There was a large man-made lake in amongst the tall buildings, so we would walk around this a couple of times.  It was so different from home, but I needed different.  I will accept anything here rather than think of home. I had to wait for the new school term to commence before I started school.  I could walk to school from home, but the first few times Dad walked with me.  As I entered this new strange classroom, I took a deep breathe and held my head high.  I must admit I liked the school uniform, it covered me up very well.

Before I even got to sit down, I’m told to stand and introduce myself.  I look around at everyone else, so many different nationalities, I had never even seen an African person before.  I tried not to look, I could feel myself blushing, then before I swing around to sit in the nearest chair to me I hear a sweet little english voice tell me to ‘come sit with me.’   “Hi, I’m Grace, sit with me, not many of these kids speak good english, and I like to talk like a lot.”  I sit down with her, looking at her pale skin and bright blue eyes.  “So tell me all about yourself then” she said speaking so fast I could barely understand. “Ok, Grace was it, I’m Abigail...Abi if you like” I say to her, still not knowing what else to say.  “Yeah Grace, I only just started last term so I’m pretty new like you...I know where everything is pretty well but, so stick with me ok.  You seem pretty shy, I’ll do all the talking if you want.” “Ok, thanks Grace.”

From then on Grace and I were good friends.  The school was very full of very astute students from all over the world.  I was a bit of a nerd, but most of the kids here were way bigger nerds than me.  Grace lived in a few buildings over from me, so we would walk to and from school together.  Her Mum was a surgeon, and Grace was left alone a lot so she would come and stay with us, which became a regular occurrence, with Dad not minding at all.  We would walk around the large shopping centers and sometimes go to the movies.  I was feeling a little happier with life.  She would drag me from shop to shop, holding up designer clothes, knowing I was not interested.  She tried so hard, but I wouldn't relent.  I knew I needed to get out of this funk.  Badness wasn’t here anymore, this was a new place, a fresh start, a chance to become someone else.  Not to lose the Abigail I am in my heart, the one my Dad loves but to become the Abigail I could love to look at in the mirror.

Dad and I got on well together and made a great team.  I slowly learnt how to do his paperwork, so he started paying me.  I didn’t want money but he knew girls like to shop so he always made sure I had money.  Luckily because by now I had to buy new clothes because it was way hotter than home, and with all the walking I had done I had lost a little weight.  Now Grace  got excited on shopping days.  She would pick clothes up and shove me in the dressing room.  We spend hours dressing each other, giggling and enjoying each others company.  I didn’t have much to complain about living here, I was feeling healthier, the only thing effecting me was  how much the heat effected my sinus’s.  I had never realised just how much I sneezed, and sniffed.  Dad had noticed, continually thinking I was coming down with a cold so he decided this wasn’t normal and wanted me to get this checked. 

Eventually I was told I would need a nose operation to fix the problem.  I didn’t think I had a problem, and I was nervous.  This was my first operation ever.  Luckily Grace’s mum was the surgeon, so I knew I was in good hands.  I had the nose job done, and went back to school looking like a different person.  I never thought of my nose changing my face so extremely and with this it gave me so much more confidence.  I looked at myself a few more seconds in the mirror now.  I even turned side ways to check out my new face.  I had no photo’s of myself to compare, and had put away any photo Dad had of us, so I rummaged in his wardrobe to retrieve the old photo in its frame to compare.  “It looks so different Abs” Dad said walking into his room and sitting with me on the bed.  “You reckon, I knew it was sort of crooked and big but I can’t believe how different it looks now I said to him looking at the mirror at us.  “Just as long as I still have my Abi behind that new nose I will never care” he said as he gives me a kiss on the head as he gets up.  I look one more time in the mirror and smile for one of the first times ever at myself.
                                                                        
Still to whoever, whoever cares -

Three months of continual guilt is not good for the heart.  I feel angry.  I’ve been taking it out on the gym equipment and spar partners.  I don’t talk to Charlie about it much.  He has been sending an email to Abi once a month expressing his feelings.  He makes me read them so he knows he isn’t talking behind my back, but really I’m sure that a lot has been said about how weak I was that night by plenty of people.  I feel sorry for him, anxiously waiting for her to return an email.  He is stupid if he thinks she will ever forgive us.  Cecilia goes on like nothing happened.  Seeing she thinks the whole world evolves around her then if she is happy then we all are also, how bloody wrong she is.  I never even got a real chance to get to know Abi that well, I mean she was there to pick my drunk arse up off the floor and put me to bed, and she probably heard me talk then, but other than that, I’ve just realised I had never even just sat and spoke to her about anything.  Maybe it is for the best, if she knew the real me, she would realise how much better she is than me.

Thomas :-/